In spite of all the grim news, there’s always room for some humor. More than 300 pages of jokes, cartoons and funny stuff below. New ones will be posted periodically. Enjoy!
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THE QUEEN AND THE GENTLEMAN
At Heathrow Airport, in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Canada’s designated VIP aircraft and the Canadian Prime Minister strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence and the coach filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a poor manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Harper and explained, “Mr. Prime Minister, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control.”
Stephen Harper, the ever Canadian gentleman, replied, “Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn’t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.”
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PUSHING DRUNK
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring rain is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband – “It’s three o’clock in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was it?” asks his wife.
“Just a drunken stranger asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks
.
“NO, I didn’t – it’s three in the morning and raining cats and dogs out there!”
“Well, you’ve got a short memory,” says his wife.
“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down on our vacation and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him.” The man does as he is told, gets dressed, goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark.
“Hello-are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes the answer.
“Do you still want a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” the drunk replies.
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SO, WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF?
1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down
4. Baseball is Canadian
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers ass
10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin’ Donuts ass
11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back…past their ‘White House’. Then we burned it…and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied…Go figure.
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.
14. Our civil war was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing… but showed up just in time to get caught.
16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth’s surface and is still around as the world’s oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
20. We don’t marry our kin-folk.
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
BUT MOST IMPORTANT!
24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!!
Oh yeah… and our elections only take one day.
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PROOFREADING IS A DYING ART, WOULDN’T YOU SAY?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
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Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
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Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!
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Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
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Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
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Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
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War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
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If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Ya think?!
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Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
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Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
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Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
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Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
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New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
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Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
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Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
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Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
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And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
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PRODUCT WARNING
In Honor of Stupid People.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(and that would be how???….)
On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(But, it’s “just” a suggestion).
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) – “Do not turn upside down.”
(well…duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought????…)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me more time)?
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(and…I’m taking this because???….)
On most brands of Christmas lights –
“For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to…what)?
On a Japanese food processor –
“Not to be used for the other use.”
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.”
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)
On a child’s Superman costume –”Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Oh my God! Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
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PONDERABLES…
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
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I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
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OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
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Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
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When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
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Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
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Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
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Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
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I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
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Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
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24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
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When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
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What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
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I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out. (Now I know why I have
problems)
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I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
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Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
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For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
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No one is listening until you make a mistake.
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Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
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The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body
is required to be on it.
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The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the bread.
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The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism — to
steal from many is research.
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The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
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Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
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The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
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A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
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If you must choose between two evils, pick the one
you’ve never tried before.
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A fool and his money are soon partying.
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Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
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If you think nobody cares about you, try missing
a couple of payments.
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Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
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I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
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Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
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Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
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Half the people you know are below average.
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42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
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POLITICAL SCIENCE MADE EASY
LIBERAL
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Bono sings for you.
CONSERVATIVE
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?
NEW DEMOCRAT
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
COMMUNIST
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, HARPER STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, DION STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
ONTARIO CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
QUEBEC CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
TALIBAN CORPORATION
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
IRAQI CORPORATION
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
POLISH CORPORATION
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
BI-LINGUAL CORPORATION
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s English.
The English cow won’t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the English cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
FLORIDA CORPORATION
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
CALIFORNIA CORPORATION
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
[Steve, an old friend of mine added this]
CANADIAN LAWS
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You have no license to own them
You are jailed and your cows are confiscated
Your neighbor has taken the cow ownership course and has an acquisition certificate for same. He gets your cows
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*THE PHONE CALL*
Hello?”
“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
***Brief Pause***
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you emptied it last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”
***Long Pause***
***Longer Pause***
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? . . . Is this 555-486-5731?”
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ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the far north will be cold while the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, “What’s that one?”
“Ah,” said God. “That’s Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. “What about balance, God. You said there would be BALANCE!”
God replied wisely. “Wait until you see the size of the loud biker gang I’m putting next to them.”
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LIFESPAN
On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow,
“Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years.” The cow objected. “What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the last 30 years – I’ll give back to you.”
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, “What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come by, or in, you will have to bark at them! I’ll give you a life span of 20 years!” The dog objected. “What? All day long I have to sit by the door? No way! Let me live for only 10 years. I give you back my other 10 years of life!”
So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, “A monkey has to entertain people. You’ve got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. And I’ll give you a 20 year life span.” The monkey objected. “What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years – I’ll give back to you.”
So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, “Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. For this kind of life, I’ll give you a 20 year life span.” The man objected. “What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man! Why don’t we make a deal? Since Cow gave you back 30 years, Dog gave you back 10 years, and Monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?”
So God agreed.
AND THAT IS WHY…
In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and doing monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in front of the door and bark at people.
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LIFE LESSONS
Lesson Number 1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson 1: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson 2:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson Number 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some
dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lessons 3:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
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THE PRIEST’S RETIREMENT DINNER
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”…..
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”
Moral: DON’T BE LATE.
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LIFE EXPLAINED
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.
A tourist complimented the local fishermen
on the quality of their fish and asked
how long it took him to catch them.
“Not very long.” they answered in unison.
“Why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?”
The fishermen explained that their small catches were
sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
“But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
“We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children,
and take siestas with our wives.
In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends,
have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs.
We have a full life.”
The tourist interrupted,
“I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day.
You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.”
“And after that?”
“With the extra money the larger boat will bring,
you can buy a second one and a third one
and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man,
you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants
and maybe even open your own plant.
You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City,
Los Angeles, or even New York City!
From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.”
“How long would that take?”
“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years.” replied the tourist.
“And after that?”
“Afterwards? Well my friend, that’s when it gets really interesting,”
answered the tourist, laughing. “When your business gets really big,
you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!”
“Millions? Really? And after that?”asked the fishermen.
“After that you’ll be able to retire,
live in a tiny village near the coast,
sleep late, play with your children,
catch a few fish; take a siesta with your wife
and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.”
And the moral of this story is:
…….. Know where you’re going in life… you may already be there!!
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LIFE AS A SENIOR (it’s not for sissies)
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen” he replies. “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Sure.”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. You’d better write it down because you know you’ll forget it.”
He says, “I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, so you’d better write it down!” she retorts.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says – “Where’s my toast?
Keep Reading ~~
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So I hear you’re getting married?”
“Yep!”
“Do I know her?”
“Nope!”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Not really.”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well then, is she good in bed?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”
Keep Reading ~ ~
Three old guys are out walking. First one says,
“Windy, isn’t it?”
Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!”
Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”
Keep Reading ~ ~
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”
Keep Reading ~ ~
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc. ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’
” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.”
Keep Reading ~ ~
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “arthritis.”
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LIBERAL OR CONSERVATIVE?
I was traveling between Toronto and Ajax the other day when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van.
He yelled out the window, “Need a lift?”.
“Yes, I sure do,” I replied.
“You a Liberal or Conservative,” asked the old man.
“Conservative,” I replied.
“Well, you can just go to Hell,” yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
Again, I gave the same answer, “Conservative.”
The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Conservatives.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Liberal or Conservative.
“Liberal” I shouted.
“Hop in!” replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn’t help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, “Please stop the car.”
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
“What’s the matter?” she asked.
“I can’t take it anymore,” I replied. “I’ve only been a Liberal for five minutes and already, I want to screw somebody”.
*
*
*
*
LETTER TO DAD AND DAD’S ANSWER
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on.
—————————————————————-
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
*
*
MARRIED LIFE
*
*
LET’S GET STARTED FOR ST. PAT’S
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
“S’cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, “what was that all about?”
“Nothin’, said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”
*******************************************************
“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
“No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?”
“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.
*****************************************************
“Water to Wine”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
\The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
***********************************************
“The Brothel”
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the
Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.
*************************************
Irish Cemetery
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”!
Just then, Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else
is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”
***************************************************
Irish Predicament
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.”
***************************************************
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady’s after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father…”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun!’
*
*
*
*
LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT!”
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY,
YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE CANADIAN OR AMERICAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU GET:
A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE, A LOBBYIST IN OTTAWA OR WASHINGTON, BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE,THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT, AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION.
*
*
*
*
LES AMERICAINS ….
Once again the American’s motto: Might is Right!!! (sigh!..)
Below is the actual radio conversation of a US navy ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
*
*
*
*
ON THE TOPIC OF LAWYERS
These are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts,” which presents excerpts that are allegedly taken, word for word, from courtroom transcripts…
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you #*%^@ %) me?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you #@%*&$ @ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh… are you qualified to ask that question?
________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
*
*
LAST REQUESTS
My Wife and I were sitting in the living room, watching TV news about somebody in the hospital on life-support, and I said to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer.
*
*
*
*
IT IS TOUGH BEING A MAN
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp. If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it’s wife bashing. If she thumps you, it’s self-defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If she asks you, it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert. If you don’t, you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist. If you don’t, you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain. If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re full of yourself. If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she’s tired. If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you’re oversexed. If you don’t, there must be someone else.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN…..THEY WANT TO!!
*
*
*
*
IS SEX WORK OR PLAY?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, “My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.”
The man thinks: “What does a priest know about sex?” So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply: “Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!”
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, ” My son, sex is definitely play.”
The man replies, “Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?” The Rabbi softly speaks, “My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.”
*
*
OUTHOUSE INJUSTICE
“One would think the most prominent injustice of an outhouse is its foul odor.
In actuality, it is the inability for visual confirmation of accomplishment!”
*
*
*
*
IMPORTANCE OF ENGLISH
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line. Just one lady in front of me . .. an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated
She asked the teller, ‘Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?’
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Fluctuations’
The Asian lady says, ‘Fluc you white people, too’.
*
*
IF COLLEGE STUDENTS WROTE THE BIBLE
Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.
The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.
Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s e-mail to abuse@romans.gov.
Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh,
He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
*
*
*
*
IDIOTS OF 2008
Some people should wear and “Idiot” sign.
Number One Idiot of 2008
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
Here’s your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot of 2008
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here’s your sign, guys. Don’t get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot of 2008
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, ‘Put all your muny in this bag.’ While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, ‘OK’ and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don’t bother with this guy’s sign. He probably couldn’t read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Four Idiot of 2008
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, ‘Because I don’t believe you are over 21.’ The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Five of 2008
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, ‘Nobody move!’ When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn’t even deserve a sign
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six of 2008
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
STAY ALERT! They walk among us… and they REPRODUCE…!!!
*
*
*
*
IDIOTS IN THE WORLD
IDIOTS IN SERVICE. This week, all our office phones went dead and I had
to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between
8:00 a.m. and 7:00p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time
window.
The pleasant gentleman asked, “Would you like us to call you before we
come?” I replied that I didn’t see how he would be able to do that since
our phones weren’t working.
IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase
when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless
the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to
compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the
one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently
had a new Neighbor call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer
were being hit by cars and she didn’t want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He
said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. At another Taco Bell, I was
asked if I wanted the food to go. I said no. She asked, do you want to eat
it here? I said, can I eat it on the roof?
IDIOT SIGHTING #1 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?” To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?” She smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
IDIOT SIGHTING #2 The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe To
cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if
I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people
when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people
doing driving?”
IDIOT SIGHTING #3 At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker
who is leaving the company due to “downsizing,” our manager commented
cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not a word was
spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights
stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4 I work with an individual who plugged her power strip
back into itself and for the life of her couldn’t understand why her
system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5 When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in
it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
“Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open!” To which he replied, “I
know – I already got that side.”
*
*
*
*
I THINK YOU’RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS…
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He’s rather taken a back because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
*
*
I THINK THE LIFE CYCLE IS BACKWARDS
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead and thus get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old folks home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you’re generally promiscuous, you
then get ready for University, then Secondary School.
You go to Primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have
no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then…
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions, with central heating, room service on tap, larger
quarters to live in every day, and then
you finish off as an orgasm
*
*
*
*
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
24. Sympathetic
25. Athletic
26. Warm
27. Attentive
28. Gallant
29. Intelligent
30. Funny
31. Creative
32. Tender
33. Strong
34. Understanding
35. Tolerant
36. Prudent
37. Ambitious
38. Capable
39. Courageous
40. Determined
41. True
42. Dependable
43. Passionate
44. Compassionate
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes
.
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer & food
*
*
*
*
HOW WALL STREET WORKS
An author out of Bangalore who goes by “Thejendra BS” sent this parable:
“Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.” The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.”
*
*
*
*
*
*
I LIE AWAKE
I lie awake waiting for you.
As I lie on my bed, thinking about you,
I feel this strong urge to
grab you and squeeze you,
because I can’t forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly
during the balmy and calm night,
and what happened in my bed
still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly,
without any reservations,
you lay on my naked body…
You sensed my indifference,
so you applied your hungry mouth to me
without any guilt or humiliation,
and you nearly drove me crazy
while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone.
I searched for you but to no avail,
only the sheets bore witness
to last night’s events
My body still bears faint marks
of your enthusiastic ravishing,
making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake
waiting for you…
You f**king mosquitoes!!
*
*
HUMOR QUOTES FROM MAXINE
Marriage can be fun some of the time but the trouble is you’re married all the time.
Why adopt a highway when I already drive like I own the road.
Most stress is caused by money, family and family with no money.
Age doesn’t cause forgetfulness; it’s having too many stupid things to remember that causes it.
Some people can have all the lights on and still be in the dark.
I keep hitting the “Escape” key but I’m still here.
*
*
*
*
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
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HOW TO FIND INNER PEACE…………………
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace was to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn’t finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of Valium
prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of chocolates.
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HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, have you ever danced?”
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet.
The old prospector –not wanting to get a toe blown off– started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said, “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s ass?”
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir….. but… I’ve always wanted to.”
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don’t waste ammunition.
Alcohol makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don’t mess with old men; they didn’t get old by being stupid.
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GUIDE TO WINNIPEG
First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is WIN-A-PEG, not VIN-A-PEG and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places.
Winnipeg has its own version of traffic rules. Never forget that downtown Winnipeg is composed in large part of one-way streets. The only way to get out of the center of town is to turn around and start over when you reach the river.
All directions start with, ‘Go down Portage.’
Portage Avenue has no beginning and no end.
The 8:00 a.m. Rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30a.m.
The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m.
Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, there’s no chance you’re from Winnipeg. Yellow lights are for sissys.
Lagimodiere Blvd. Can only be pronounced by a native Winnipegger, so do not attempt the phonetic pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. (And let’s not forget Noter Dayme! And of course, Portidge.)
Bingo, Bugs and Perogies are a way of life. Deal with it.
Construction on the Winnipeg streets in summer is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. (Especially those dopey-looking city workers holdingup signs in traffic that say in big orange letters ‘SLOW’. ( I always want to yell, ‘You don’t really need to advertise, buddy!)
Many bizarre sights can be explained simply by realizing, ‘Oh, we’re in Transcona!’
Construction crews aren’t doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.
If someone actually has his turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory where the car was made.
Buying a Winnipeg street map is a waste of money since the termination or continuation of any street is entirely at the discretion of the Works Department of the City: e.g.: Salter, Isabel, Balmoral, Colony, Memorial, Osborne, Dunkirk and Dakota. You’ve gone two miles down the same road and the name changes eight times.
Asking directions will help you get acquainted with numerous happy-to-help residents. It may not be any help at all for finding the address you seek.
Never honk your horn at another car in traffic. The bumper sticker that reads, ‘Keep honking, I’m reloading.’ is considered a fair warning.
Exit and entry ramps on the Perimeter Hwy. are just the recommended way of entering and exiting, feel free to exit at any grassy point you wish.
All drivers frightened of heights, stay clear of Charleswood and its ten-foot ditches. Believe me when I say you won’t get out without a hundred-dollar towing bill.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your bluespruce.
Down South to you means Grand Forks, ND.
Your 1 July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find 0 degrees ‘a little chilly.’ But it is still t-shirt weather.
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GRADE 6 HISTORY TEST
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
11. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
12. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
13. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
14. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin covered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
15. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Postscript – It might interest you to know that the students who took this test all moved on to grade 7!
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GOVERNMENTIUM
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
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GOOD EXCUSE
A middle aged man bought a brand new Porsche convertible.
He took off down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
“This is great,” he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a police car behind him, blue lights flashing.
“I can get away from him, no problem”, thought the man, he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 210 km/h to escape.
Then he thought, “What the hell am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing”, and pulled over to the side of the road, waiting for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver’s side.
“Sir, my shift ends in five minutes, and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason that I’ve never heard before as to why you were speeding, I’ll let you go.”
The man looked up and said, “Last week my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The policeman said, “Have a nice day.”
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GOLFING NUN
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asks the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’
‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’
‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’
‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’
‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’
‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster,Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!’
‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’
‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’
‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized Mother.
‘But I didn’t, Mother Superior!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’
‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.
‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…’You missed the
f**king putt, didn’t you?
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GLOBALIZATION
What is the definition of Globalization?
Answer:
Princess Diana’s death.
How come?
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines
and this is sent to you by an Armenian,
using Bill Gates’ technology,
and you?re probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,
that use Taiwanese-made chips,
and a Korean-made monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
trucked by Mexican illegals, and finally sold to you.
That is Globalization!
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MATHEMATICS
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint it goes like this:
What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life?
Here’s a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:
If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.
Then:
H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and
K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,
A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
And,
B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T
2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%
AND, look how far ass kissing will take you.
A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G
1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%
So, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that, while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will get you there, it’s the Bullshit and Ass kissing that will put you over the top!
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GEEZER FORGETFULNESS
While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch.
After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on th table.
And, she didn’t miss them until after they had been driving about twenty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man.
He fussed and complained and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. The more he chided her, the more agitated he became.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.
And as the woman got out of the car and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her…….
“While you’re in there, you might as well get my hat, and credit card.”
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THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT
A guy sitting at an airport bar in Atlanta noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him.
He thought to himself, “Wow, she’s so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?”
Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Slogan, “Love to fly and it shows?”
She gave him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thought to himself, “Nope, not Delta.”
A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned towards her again, “Something special in the air?”
She gave him the same confused look. He mentally kicked himself, and scratched American Airlines off the list.
Next he tried the United slogan, “I would really love to fly your friendly skies?”
This time the woman savagely turned on him, “What the f**k do you want?”
The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said….
Ahhh, Air Canada.!”
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FEEL SMARTER INSTANTLY
You’ll feel smarter after you read these quotes.
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: “I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.” –Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest.
“Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can’t help but cry. I mean I’d love to be skinny like that, but not with all those flies and death and stuff.” –Mariah Carey
“Smoking kills. If you’re killed, you’ve lost a very important part of your life.” –Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for federal anti-smoking campaign.
“I’ve never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body,” –Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.
“Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country,” –Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.
“I’m not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers. We are the president,” –Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents.
“That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I’m just the one to do it,” –A congressional candidate in Texas.
“Half this game is ninety percent mental.” –Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark
“It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in
our air and water that are doing it.” –Al Gore, Vice President
“I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.” –Dan Quayle
“It’s no exaggeration to say that the undecideds could go one way or another” –George Bush, US President
“We’ve got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?” –Lee Iacocca
“I was provided with additional input that was radically different from the truth. I assisted in furthering that version,” –Colonel Oliver North, from his Iran-Contra testimony.
“The word “genius” isn’t applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein,” –Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.
“We don’t necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people.” –Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.” –Bill Clinton, President
“We are ready for an unforeseen event that may or may not occur.” –Al Gore, VP
“Traditionally, most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.” –Keppel Enderbery
“Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances.” –Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina
“If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there’ll be a record.” –Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman
..Feeling smarter yet?
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DUMB BLONDES
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.
“Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”
“What sort of question?”
“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”
~~~~~
There is a blonde and a brunette in an elevator and a man walks in with really bad dandruff.
The brunette says, “Someone should give him head and shoulders.”
The blonde replies, “I know how to give head but how do you give shoulders?”
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DON’T ASK GRANDMA
Little Jordan was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He’d been playing outside with some of the neighborhood children for a while when he came into the house and asked her, “Grandma, what is it called when people sleep on top of each other?”
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth.
“It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Then she explained all about the birds and the bees to him in some detail.
Little Jordan just said, “OK” and went back outside to play.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, “Grandma, it is NOT called sexual intercourse! It’s called bunk beds!”
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CUSSING
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are upstairs in their bedroom.
“You know what?” says the 6 year old. “I think it’s about time we
started cussing.”
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues, “When we go downstairs for breakfast, I’m
gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he
wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some
Cheerios.”
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor,
gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot
pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his
room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a
stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your fat ass it won’t be
Cheerios!”
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CREATION STORY
In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow and red vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.
Then using God’s great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry’s Ice Cream and Krispy Kreme Donuts. And Satan said, “You want chocolate with that?” And Man said, “Yes!” and Woman said, “And as long as you’re at it, add some sprinkles.” And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.
And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair. And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat and sugar from the cane and combined them. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.
So God said, “Try my fresh green salad.” And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.
God then said, “I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them.” And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.
God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it “Angel Food Cake,” and said, “It is good.” Satan then created chocolate cake and named it “Devil’s Food.”
God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds. And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds
Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition. And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.
God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite. And Satan created McDonald’s and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then Satan said, “You want fries with that?” And Man replied, “Yes! And super-size them!” And Satan said, “It is good.” And Man went into cardiac arrest.
God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
Then Satan created long waits for Canadian health care.
Thought for the day . . .
There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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COP JOKES
These are actual police officer quotes collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic violations.
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”
“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”
“In God we trust, all others are suspects.”
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COOL THINGS ABOUT BEING A MAN
Yes, it’s good to be a man……
1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.
2. Your orgasms are real. Always.
3. Your last name stays put.
4. The garage is all yours.
5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.
6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.
7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.
8. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.
9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.
10. Same work…more pay.
11. Wrinkles-add character.
12. You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.
13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
14. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.
15. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.
16. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
17. One mood, ALL the damn time.
18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.
19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.
20. You can open all your own jars.
21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.
23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.
24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.
25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking “He must be mad at me.”
27. No maxi-pads.
28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become lifelong friends.
29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.
30. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.
32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.
34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
35. You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.
36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th, in minutes.
37. The world is your urinal
*
*
*
*
THE COMPANY CHRISTMAS PARTY
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place
on December 23, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill
House. There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small
band playing traditional carols…feel free to sing along. And don’t be
surprised if our CEO shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree
will be lit at 1:00pm. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that
time; however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts
easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! Our CEO
will make a special announcement at that time!
Merry Christmas to you and
your family.
Patty
******************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees.
We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides
with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on
we’re calling it our “Holiday Party.” The same policy applies to any other
employees who are not Christians or those still celebrating ReConciliation
Day. There will be no Christmas tree present. No Christmas carols sung.
We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family.
Patty
********************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous
requesting a non-drinking table … you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy
to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA
Only”; you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore. How am I supposed to handle
this? Somebody? Forget about the gifts exchange, no gift exchange is allowed
since the union members feel that $10.00 is too much money and executives
believe $10.00 is a little chintzy. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED.
Patty
*********************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
To: All Employees
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20 begins the
Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during
daylight hours. There goes the party!
Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employee’s beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party- or else package everything for you to take it home in a little foil doggy baggy. Will that work?
Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the restrooms. Gays are allowed to sit with each other. Lesbians do not have to sit with Gay men, each will
have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangement for the Gay
men’s table.
To the person asking permission to cross dress, no cross-dressing allowed
though, we will have booster seats for short people. Low-fat food will be
available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food,
we suggest for those people with high blood pressure to taste first. There
will be fresh fruits as dessert for Diabetics; the restaurant cannot supply
“No Sugar” desserts. Sorry! Did I miss anything?!?!?
Patty
********************************************
FROM: Patty Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F**king Employees
RE: The F**king Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks, I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this
party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly
at the table furthest from the “grill of death,” as you so quaintly put it,
and you’ll get your f**king salad bar, including organic tomatoes. But you
know, tomatoes have feelings, too. They scream when you slice them.
I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW! I hope you all
have a rotten holiday!
Drive drunk and die,
The Bitch from HELL!!!!!!!!
**********************************************
FROM: Joan Bishop, Acting Human Resources Director
RE: Patty Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Patty Lewis a speedy recovery and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and give everyone the afternoon off with full pay.
Seasons Greetings,
Joan
*
*
*
*
COINCIDENCE
A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says “How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!”
He turned to her and said, “What a coincidence.” Continuing, he said “This is a special day for me, I’m celebrating.”
“This is a special day for me, too, and I’m also celebrating!” says the woman.
“What a coincidence.” says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, “What are you celebrating?”
“My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I’m pregnant!
“What a coincidence.” says the man. “I’m a chicken farmer. For years all my hens were infertile, but today they’re finally fertile.”
“That’s great!” says the woman, “How did your chickens become fertile?”
“I switched cocks,” he replied.
“What a coincidence,” she said.
*
*
*
*
CLEVER WORD PLAY
DORMITORY
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM
PRESBYTERIAN
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER
ASTRONOMER
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER
DESPERATION
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT
THE EYES
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE
GEORGE BUSH
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE
THE MORSE CODE
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS
SLOT MACHINES
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME
ANIMOSITY
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY
ELECTION RESULTS
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES – LET’S RECOUNT
MOTHER-IN-LAW
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER
SNOOZE ALARMS
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z’S
A DECIMAL POINT
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE
THE EARTHQUAKES
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE
ELEVEN PLUS TWO
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE
AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA:
When you rearrange the letters
(With no letters left over and using each letter only once):
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
*
*
CORPORATE DOGS
*
*
CLEVER SIGNS
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
***************************
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
**************************
On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:
“Yesterday’s Meals on Wheels”
**************************
At a Proctologist’s door:
“To expedite your visit please back in.”
**************************
On a Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
**************************
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
**************************
At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
**************************
On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
**************************
On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
**************************
At an Optometrist’s Office
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
**************************
On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
**************************
On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”
**************************
At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet — miss a car payment.”
**************************
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
**************************
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
**************************
At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”
**************************
In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”
**************************
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
**************************
At a Propane Filling Station,
“Thank heaven for little grills.”
**************************
And don’t forget the sign at a St. Pete Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak”
*
*
*
*
TERRIBLY CLEVER PUNS
1. Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says, “I’m sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2. Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
3. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it, too.
4. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: “I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.”
5. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
6. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
“But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain. They name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
8. These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him…. what? A super callused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10. A termite goes into a pub, hops up on a barstool and says to the guy sitting next to him, “Is the bar tender here?”
And now, I just can’t resist: There was a man who thought the Terribly Clever Puns might give his friends a chuckle. So he sent ten different puns to his colleagues, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
*
*
*
*
CLEVER FEMALE
Just a reminder of how clever a female can be!
There was a man who had worked all of his life and had saved all of his money. He was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved money more than just about anything, and just before he died, he said to his wife, “Now listen, when I die, I want you to take all my money and place it in the casket with me. I wanna take my money to the afterlife.”
So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all the money in the casket with him.
Well, one day he died. He was stretched out in the casket; the wife was sitting there in black next to her closest friend. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said “Wait just a minute!” She had a shoe box with her; she came over with it and placed it in the casket.
Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.
Her friend said, “I hope you weren’t crazy enough to put all that money in the casket.”
She said, “Yes, I promised. I’m a good Christian, I can’t lie.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put every cent of his money in casket with him?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and I wrote him a check.”
*
*
CLEAN JOKES
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
“Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”
So he tied her up and went golfing.
**************************************************
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
**************************************************
A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:
‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z’
“Can you read this?” the optician asked.
“Read it?” the Polish guy replied,”I know the guy.”
**************************************************
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, “I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.”
“Thank God,” said an elderly nun at the back. “I’m so tired of chardonnay.”
**************************************************
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
*
*
*
*
CHRISTMAS JOKE
A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn’t been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland.
Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note… not too romantic and not too personal.
Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.
Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.
Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
………………………………………………………………
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I’ve noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove).
These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks.
I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn’t needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
*
*
*
*
CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED
1. Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia — I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and
Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks
and Trees and…..
6. Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an
Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry,
I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder — Silent night, Holy oooh look at
the Froggy – can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder — Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle,Bells, Jingle Bells,
*
*
*
*
JEAN CHRETIEN’S RETIREMENT PARTY
At a dinner thrown in her husband’s honor, a man turned to Madame
Chrétien and said, “Your husband has been such a prominent public figure with such a busy schedule. How quiet retirement will seem in comparison.
“What are you most looking forward to in these retirement years?”
“A penis,” replied Madame Aline Chrétien.
A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer yet no one knew what to say next.
Jean leaned over to his wife and said, “Aline, in Hinglish dey pronounce dat word, “Appiness”
*
*
CHINESE SICK LEAVE – “I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!”
Hung Chow calls into work and says, “Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomachache and legs hurt, I no come work.”
The boss says, “You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that.”
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. “Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house.”
*
*
*
*
CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES
How to Learn Chinese in 5 minutes …. works better if you say it out loud!!!!!!
1) That’s not right …………….. Sum Ting Wong
2) Are you harboring a fugitive? ……. Hu Yu Hai Ding
3) See me ASAP …………………….. Kum Hia Nao
4) Stupid Man …………………………… Dum Fuk
5) Small Horse ……………………… Tai Ni Po Ni
6) Did you go to the beach? …………. Wai Yu So Tan
7) I bumped into a coffee table …. Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
8) I think you need a face lift ………… Chin Tu Fat
9) It’s very dark in here ………………. Wao So Dim
10) I thought you were on a diet? …. Wai Yu Mun Ching
11) This is a tow away zone ………….. No Pah king
12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week…………..Wai Yu Kum Nao?
13) Staying out of sight ………………. Lei Ying Lo
14) He’s cleaning his automobile …… Wa Shing Ka
15) Your body odor is offensive …….. Yu Sting Ki Pu
16) Great …………………………… Fa Kin Su Pah
*
*
*
*
CHILI CONTEST
* Note: If you pay attention to the first two judges, the reaction of the third judge is even better!!
For those of you who have lived in Texas, you know how true this is.
They actually have a Chili Cook-off about the time the Rodeo comes to
town. It takes up a major portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome.
The notes are from an inexperienced Chili taster named Frank, who was
visiting Texas from the East Coast:
Frank: “Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off. The Judge #3 called in sick at the last moment and I happened
to be standing there at the judge’s table asking for directions to the
Budweiser truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two
judges (native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy and,
besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted”.
Here are the scorecards from the event:
————————————————————————
Chili # 1 Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
Judge # 1 — A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 — Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 — (Frank) Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could
remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
Chili # 2 Arthur’s Afterburner Chili
Judge # 1 — Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
Judge # 2 — Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 — Keep this out of the reach of children. I’m not sure what
I’m supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who
wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer
when they saw the look on my face.
Chili # 3 Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
Judge # 1 — Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more beans.
Judge # 2 — A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 — Call the EPA. I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels
like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now.
Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced
from all of the beer.
Chili # 4 Bubba’s Black Magic
Judge # 1 — Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 — Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish
or other mild foods, not much of a chili.
Judge # 3 — I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable
to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the
barmaid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch
is starting to look HOT. . . just like this nuclear waste I’m
eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Chili # 5 Linda’s Legal Lip Remover
Judge # 1 — Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding considerable kick. Very impressive.
Judge # 2 — Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 — My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I
can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed
paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning
my lips off. It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to
stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!
Chili # 6 Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety
Judge # 1 — Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of
spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 — The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic. Superb.
Judge #3 — I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat
through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that
slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips
anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
Chili # 7 Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili
Judge # 1 — A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 — Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of
chili peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about Judge ! #3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 — You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I
wouldn’t feel a thing. I’ve lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds
like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to
match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they’ll know what killed
me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it; I’m
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in
through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
Chili # 8 Tommy’s Toe-Nail Curling Chili
Judge # 1 — The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not too
bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 — This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild
nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out,
fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not
sure if he’s going to make it. Poor dude, wonder how he’d have reacted
to really hot chili?
*
*
*
*
CHANGING ENGLISH
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.
In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter .
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a ril sensibl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
*
*
*
*
BRAINTEASERS
A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms.
1.The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of Brain Teaser assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven’t eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wonderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. There are two plastic jugs filled with water. How could you put all of this water into a barrel, without using the jugs or any dividers, and still tell which water came from which jug?
4. What is black when you buy it, red when you use it, and gray when you throw it away?
5. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
6. This is an unusual paragraph. I’m curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.
Scroll down for Answers
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Answers:
1. The third. Lions that haven’t eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman was a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.
3. Freeze them first. Take them out of the jugs and put the ice in the barrel. You will be able to tell which water came from which jug.
4. The answer is Charcoal.
5. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
6. The letter “e,” which is the most common letter in the English language, does not appear once in the long paragraph…
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PATIENCE IS A VIRTUE
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A BOY A MAN AND A DONKEY
An old man, a boy, and a donkey were going to town.
The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.
As they went along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking and the boy was riding.
The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.
Later, they passed some people that remarked, “What a shame, he makes that little boy walk.”
They then decided they both would walk !
Soon they passed some more people who thought they were stupid to walk when they had a decent donkey to ride. So, they both rode the donkey.
Now they passed some people that shamed them by saying how awful to put such a load on a poor donkey.
The boy and man said they were probably right, so they decided to carry the donkey.
As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the animal and he fell into the river and drowned.
The moral of the story ?
If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass good-bye.
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BOSSY WIFE
A man was tired of being bossed around by his wife; so he went to a
psychiatrist. The psychiatrist said he needed to build his self-esteem,
and so gave him a book on assertiveness, which he read on the way home.
He had finished the book by the time he reached his house.
The man stormed into the house and walked up to his wife. Pointing
a finger in her face, he said, “From now on, I want you to know that
- I – am the man of this house, and my word is law! I want you to prepare
me a gourmet meal tonight, and when I’m finished eating my meal, I expect
a sumptuous dessert afterward. Then, after dinner, you’re going to draw
me my bath so I can relax. And, when I’m finished with my bath, guess
who’s going to dress me and comb my hair?”
“The f**CKING funeral director,” said his wife.
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PROBLEM WITH THE NEIGHBOR?
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ANNUAL SENIOR CITIZEN’S TEST
This may be of interest to you regardless of your age. How do you rate?
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles. As we grow older, it’s important that we keep mentally alert.
The saying, “If you don’t use it, you’ll lose it” also applies to the brain, so
below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence
OK, relax, clear your mind and . . . begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
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Answer: “bread.” If you said “toast,” then give up now and go do something
else. Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, “bread,” go to Question 2.
2. Say “silk” five times. Now spell “silk.” What do cows drink?
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Answer: Cows drink water. If you said “milk,” please do not attempt the next question.Your brain is obviously over stressed and may even overheat. It may be that you need to content yourself with reading something more appropriate such as Children’s World. If you said “water” then proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
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Answer: Greenhouses are made from glass. If you said “green bricks,” what.the devil are you still doing here reading these questions????? If you said.glass,” then go on to Question 4.
4. It’s twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany
(if you will recall, Germany at the time was politically divided into West
Germany and East Germany.) Anyway, during the flight, TWO of the engines.fail. The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing,
decides on a crash landing procedure. Unfortunately the engine fails before
he has time and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of “no man’s
land” between East Germany and West Germany. Question: where would you bury.the survivors? East Germany or West Germany or in “no man’s land”?
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Answer: You don’t, of course, bury survivors. If you said ANYTHING else,
you are a real dunce and you must NEVER try to rescue anyone from a plane crash. Your efforts would not be appreciated.
If you said, “Don’t bury the survivors”, then proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator – You are driving a bus from London to Milford
Haven in Wales. In London, 17 people get on the bus. In Reading, six people get off the bus and nine people get on. In Swindon, two people get off and four get on. In Cardiff, 11 people get off and 16 people get on. In Swansea, three people get off and five people get on. In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on. You then arrive at Milford Haven. What was the name of the bus driver?
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Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don’t you remember your own name? It was YOU!!
Now tell all your so-called “smart friends” to try this test and hope they do better than you did.
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A NEWFIE WAS WALKING HOME
A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
‘Twenty dollars…’ she whispers.
He’d never been with a hooker before , but decides what the hell, it’s only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes.
They’re going ‘at it’ for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It’s a police officer.
‘Now my son, what’s going on here’? asks the officer.
‘I’m making love to me wife’ the Newfoundlander answers sounding annoyed.
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ says the cop, ‘I didn’t know.’
‘Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face!’
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A FUNERAL SERVICE
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away.
At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket they hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket.
As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: “Watch that wall!”
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A FEW THINGS TO PONDER ABOUT
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once — or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart. Now what?
Protons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can’t make me happy.
If the world were a logical place, men would ride horses sidesaddle.
What is a “free” gift? Aren’t all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible … and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he’ll never be able to merge his car onto a freeway.
Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
The shampoo promised me extra body and I gained three pounds.
One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread? Hmmmm?
My weight is perfect for my height — which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
The cost of living hasn’t affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help “groups”?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to “get away from it all”?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What’s another word for thesaurus?
Is Marx’s tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I’ll show you a man
who can’t get his pants off.
It’s not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
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HAVE A POLITICALLY CORRECT INTERVAL
The standard ‘Merry Christmas & Happy New Year’, after it has been redesigned by our Investment Committee, passed the Socially Responsible Investment filter, been cleared by Compliance and carries the benefit of input from Legal Counsel:
“Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress, non-addictive, gender and carbon neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own religion as well as those who choose not to practice any religion at all; plus, a fairly taxed, fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year, but not without due respect for the calendars of choice of the other cultures whose contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race, creed, color, religious, or sexual preference of the wishees.”
Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for him/herself or others and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to those not caught up in the holiday spirit.
Bob Hoye
Published by Institutional Advisors
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VARIOUS VIEWS ON SEX & THE AUTHORS
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date.”
- Rodney Dangerfield
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.”
- Woody Allen
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women, chief amongst which is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”
- Lynn Lavner
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
- Camille Paglia
“Sex is one of the 9 reasons for reincarnation.
The other 8 are unimportant.”
- George Burns
“Women might be able to fake orgasms, but men can fake a whole relationship.”
- Sharon Stone
“Hockey is a sport for white men
Basketball is a sport for black men.
Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.”
- Tiger Woods
“My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.”
- Jack Nicholson
“Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
- Barbara Bush (Former U.S. First Lady, and you didn’t think Barbara had a sense of humor .)
“Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
- Robin Williams
“Women need a reason to have sex.
Men just need a place.”
- Billy Crystal
“According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful.”
- Robert De Niro
“There’s a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what’s the problem?”
- Dustin Hoffman
“There’s very little advice in mens’ magazines because men think: ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked’.”
- Jerry Seinfeld
“Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house.”
- Rod Stewart
“See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.”
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2 NUNS
Two nuns are riding their bicycles down the back streets of Rome trying to find their way to the convent.
One leans over and says to the other, “I’ve NEVER come this way before.”
The other nun blushes and whispers, “It’s the cobblestones.”
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5 YEAR OLD’S FIRST JOB
Here’s a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 5-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.
A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew began to build a house on the empty lot.
The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in the goings-on and spent much of each day observing the workers.
Eventually the construction crew, all of them ‘gems-in-the-rough,’ more or less, adopted her as a kind of project mascot. They chatted with her during coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.
At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars. The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars ‘pay’ she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.
When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied, ‘I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.
‘Oh my goodness gracious,’ said the teller, ‘and will you be working on the house again this week, too?’
The little girl replied, ‘I will, if those a**holes at Home Depot ever deliver the f**kin’ drywall…’
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13 REASONS TO SMILE
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Marriage changes passion. Suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it. So I said “Implants?” She hit me.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America?
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail…but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, “Wow…that was fun!”
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn’t have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go “skinny dipping,” now I just “chunky dunk.”
Don’t argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press ‘Ctrl Alt Delete’ and start all over?
Why is it that our children can’t read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
Wouldn’t you know it…
Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FATcells live forever.
Bumper sticker of the year:
“If you can read this, thank a teacher and, since it’s in English, thank a soldier”
Life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
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23 SIGNS THAT YOU’VE HAD TOO MUCH OF THE 90′S
1.You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
3. You call your son’s beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?”
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother clogs up your e-mail inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
11. The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
12. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
13. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
14. You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
15. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
16. Your idea of being organized is multiple-colored Post-it notes.
17. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
18. You turn off your Modem and get this awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
19. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
20. You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and check your E-mail on your way back to bed.
21. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. 
22. You’re reading this.
23. Even worse, you’re going to copy & forward it to someone else
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5 WAYS TO TELL YOU’VE GROWN UP
1. Your houseplants are alive and you can’t smoke any of them
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge
4. 6:00 A.M is when you get up, not when you go to bed
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator
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30 THINGS STRESSED WOMEN MAY SAY AT WORK
1. Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf**k you.
2. You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
3. Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.
4. Well, aren’t we a damn ray of sunshine?
5. Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
6. Do I look like a people person?
7. This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
8. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.
9. Therapy is expensive. Popping bubble wrap is cheap. You choose.
10. Why don’t you try practising random acts of intelligence and senseless acts of self-control?
11. I’m not crazy. I’ve been in a very bad mood for 30 years.
12. Sarcasm is just one more service I offer.
13 . Do they ever shut up on your planet?
14. I’m not your type. I’m not inflatable.
15. Stress is when you wake up screaming and you realize you haven’t gone to sleep yet!
16. Back off!! You’re standing in my aura.
17. Don’t worry. I forgot your name too.
18. I work 45 hours a week to be this poor.
19. Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
20. Wait…I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.
21. Chaos, panic and disorder .. my work here is done.
22. Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
23. You look like shit. Is that the style now?
24. Earth is full. Go home.
25. Aw, did I step on your poor little itty bitty ego?
26. I’m not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
27. A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
28. You are depriving some village of an idiot.
29. If assholes could fly, this place would be an Airport.
30. Look in my eyes. Do you see one ounce of ‘I-give-a-shit ‘ ?
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80 YEAR OLD MAN
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began, “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season.
“One day when he was setting off to go hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male bear drinking at the water’s edge.
“He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘BANG, BANG’. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the bear fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, “if you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that bear.’
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
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1997 TO 2008
1977: Long hair
2008: Longing for hair
1977: KEG
2008: EKG
1977: Acid rock
2008: Acid reflux
1977: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
2008: Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor
1977: Seeds and stems
2008: Roughage
1977: Going to a new, hip joint
2008: Receiving a new hip joint
1977: Rolling Stones
2008: Kidney Stones
1977: Screw the system
2008: Upgrade the system
1977: Parents begging you to get your hair cut
2008: Children begging you to get their heads shaved
1977: Passing the drivers’ test
2008: Passing the vision test
1977: Whatever
2008: Depends
If you remember 1977 and you weren’t feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
The people who are starting university in 2008 were born in 1992.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Their lifetime has always included AIDS.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
The CD was introduced the 3 years before they were born.
They have always had an answering machine.
They have always had cable.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who he is.
They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.
It’s good to have friends who know about these things and are still alive and kicking!
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2002 DARWIN AWARDS
For those of you not familiar with the Darwin awards, they are awarded annually for the most extreme act of (occasionally terminal) stupidity – these are the awards for 2002….enjoy.
First Place – The 2002 Darwin Award Winner:
When his 38-caliber revolver failed to fire at his intended victim during a holdup in Long Beach, California, would be robber James Elliot did something that can only inspire wonder: He peered down the barrel and tried the trigger again. This time it worked…..
And now, the honorable mentions:
The chef at a hotel in Switzerland lost a finger in a meat cutting
machine and, after a little hopping around, submitted a claim to his insurance company. The company, suspecting negligence, sent out one of its men to have a look for himself. He tried the machine out and lost a finger. The chef’s claim was approved.
After stopping for drinks at an illegal bar, a Zimbabwean bus driver found that the 20 mental patients he was supposed to be transporting from Harare to Beltway had escaped. Not wanting to admit his incompetence, the driver went to a nearby bus stop and offered everyone waiting there a free ride. He then delivered the passengers to the mental hospital, telling the staff that the patients were very excitable and prone to bizarre fantasies. The deception wasn’t discovered for 3 days.
An American teenager was in the hospital yesterday recovering from serious head wounds received from an oncoming train. When asked how he received the injuries, the lad told police that he was simply trying to see how close he could get his head to a moving train before he was hit.
A man walked into a Louisiana Circle-K, put a $20 bill on the counter, and asked for change. When the clerk opened the cash drawer, the man pulled out a gun and asked for all the cash in the register, which the clerk promptly provided. The man took the cash from the clerk and fled, leaving the $20 bill on the counter. The total amount of cash he got from the drawer? $15. (If someone points a gun at you and gives you money, was a crime committed?)
A thief burst into a Florida bank one day wearing a ski mask and carrying a gun. Aiming his gun at the guard, the thief yelled, “FREEZE, MOTHER-STICKERS, THIS IS A f**k-UP!” For a moment, everyone was silent. Then the snickers started. The guard completely lost it and doubled over laughing. It probably saved his life, because he’d been about to draw his gun. He couldn’t have drawn and fired before the thief got him. The thief ran away and is still at large. In memory of the event, the banker later put a plaque on the wall engraved with the words, “Freeze, mother-stickers, this is a f**k-up!”
Seems this Arkansas guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape.
As a female shopper exited a New York convenience store, a man grabbed her purse and ran away. The clerk called 911 immediately, and the woman was able to give them a detailed description of the snatcher. Within minutes, the police apprehended the snatcher. They put him in the car and drove back to the store. The thief was then taken out of the car and told to stand there for a positive ID. To which he replied, “Yes, officer, that’s her. That’s the lady I stole the purse from.”
The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan, at 5 a.m., flashed a gun, and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn’t open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren’t available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away.
Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home – with the chain still attached to the machine, with their bumper still attached to the chain, and with their vehicle’s license plate still attached to the bumper. They were quickly arrested.
A 5-STAR STUPIDITY AWARD WINNER!
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find a very sick man curled up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his siphon hose into the motor home’s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he’d ever had.
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HOW TO CLEAN THE TOILET
1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the
bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.
4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power-wash” and rinse”.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
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HOW TO RECRUIT THE RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB
Put about 100 bricks in some particular order in a closed room with an open window.
Then send 2 or 3 candidates in the room and close the door.
Leave them alone and come back after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.
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If they are counting the bricks.
Put them in the accounts department.
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If they are recounting them..
Put them in auditing ..
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If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks.
Put them in engineering.
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If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order.
Put them in planning.
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If they are throwing the bricks at each other.
Put them in operations .
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If they are sleeping.
Put them in security.
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If they have broken the bricks into pieces.
Put them in Information technology.
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If they are sitting idle.
Put them in human resources.
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If they say they have tried different combinations, yet not a brick has been moved.
Put them in sales.
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If they have already left for the day.
Put them in marketing…
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If they are staring out of the window.
Put them on strategic planning..
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And then last but not least.
If they are talking to each other and not a single brick has been moved.
Congratulate them and put them in top management
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HOW, WHAT, WHY?
How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too Long?
Polaroids
What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn’t work?
A Stick.
What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
What Do You Call Santa’s Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quatro Sinko.
What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a Vampire?
Frostbite.
What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
What’s The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
Why Don’t Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
Why Did Pilgrims’ Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
What’s The Difference Between a Bad Golfer, and a Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, “Damn” !
A Bad Skydiver Goes “Damn” ! Whack.
How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce The Same?
Somebody’s Gonna Lose A Trailer
*
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*
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WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED
Men Are Just Happier People – What do you expect from such simple creatures?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be President.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
A wedding dress is $5,000 but a Tux rents for $100.
People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades!
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes; one color for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
No wonder men are happier.
*
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*
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WHY SHE LEFT ME
She told me we couldn’t afford beer anymore & I’d have to quit buying it.
Then I discovered she had spent $65.00 on make-up.
I asked her why I had to give up stuff I wanted & she didn’t have to
She said she needed the make-up to look pretty for me.
I told her that’s what the beer was for.
I don’t think she’s coming back!
*
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PERKS OF BEING OVER 50
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run–anywhere.
4. People call at 9 pm and ask, ” Did I wake you ???? “
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won’t wear out.
8. You can eat dinner at 4 pm.
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.
11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.
13. You sing along with elevator music.
14. Your eyes won’t get much worse.
15. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.
17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
*
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WHY WE LOVE KIDS
A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he’d found a cat.
She asked him if it was dead or alive.
Dead.” She was informed.
“How do you know?” she asked her pupil.
“Because I pissed in its ear and it didn’t move,” answered the child innocently.
“You did WHAT?!?” the teacher exclaimed in surprise.
“You know,” explained the boy, “I leaned over and went ‘Pssst!’ and it didn’t move.”
_______________________________
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later….
“Da-ad….”
“What?
“I’m thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?”
“No. You had your chance. Lights out.”
Five minutes later:
“Da-aaaad…..”
“WHAT?”
“I’m THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??”
“I told you NO!” If you ask again, I’ll have to spank you!!”
Five minutes later……
“Daaaa-aaaad…..”
“WHAT!”
“When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?”
_______________________________________________
An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, “How do you expect to get into Heaven?”
The boy thought it over and said,
“Well, I’ll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says,
“For Heaven’s sake, Dylan, come in or stay out!’”
_________________________________________________
One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her son into bed.
She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice,
“Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?
The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug.
“I can’t dear,” she said.
“I have to sleep in Daddy’s room.”
A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: “The big sissy.”
_________________________________________________
It was that time, during the Sunday morning service for the children’s sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, “That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?”
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor’s clip-on microphone, “Yes, and my Mom says it’s a bitch to iron.”
_________________________________________________
When I was six months pregnant with my third child, my three year old came into the room when I was just getting ready to get into the shower.
She said,”Mommy, you are getting fat!”
I replied, “Yes, honey, remember Mommy has a baby growing in her tummy “
“I know,” she replied, but what’s growing in your butt?”
_________________________________________________
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine….”
His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I’m doing my math homework, Mom.”
“And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?” the mother asked.
“Yes,” he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning addition.”
The mother asked, “And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?
After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four.”
_________________________________________________
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer.
She read, “…. and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling!”
The teacher paused then asked the class, “And what do you think that farmer said?”
One little girl raised her hand and said, “I think he said:
‘Holy Shit! A talking chicken!’”
*
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RELAXED CAT!
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WORD GAMES
The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stop bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.
9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
10. Karmageddon: It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
11. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
12. Glibido: All talk and no action.
13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
17. Ignoranus: A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
*
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WORK VS PRISON
Just in case you ever get these two environments
mixed up, this should make things a little more clear:
IN PRISON……….you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK…………you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
.
IN PRISON……….you get three meals a day.
AT WORK…………you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
.
IN PRISON………you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK…………you get more work for good behavior.
.
IN PRISON………the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK……….you must often carry a security card and open all the doors for yourself.
.
IN PRISON……….you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK…………you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
.
IN PRISON……….you get your own toilet.
AT WORK………..you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on the seat.
.
IN PRISON……….they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK…………you aren’t even supposed to speak to your family.
.
IN PRISON……….all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK…you get to pay all your expenses and they deduct taxes to pay for prisoners.
.
IN PRISON………you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out
AT WORK ………..you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
.
IN PRISON ………you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK…………they are called managers
.
ENJOY YOUR DAY AT WORK!!
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YOU KNOW YOU’RE A REDNECK WHEN …
1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.
2 You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.
3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.
5. You think “The Nutcracker” is something you do off the high dive.
6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.
7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don’t want it.
8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.
9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.
10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
12. Your grandmother has “ammo” on her Christmas list.
13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.
14. You’ve been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
15. You go to the stock car races and don’t need a program.
16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
17. You have a rag for a gas cap.
18. Your house doesn’t have curtains, but your truck does.
19. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
20. You can spit without opening your mouth.
21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say “Cool Whip”on the side.
24. The biggest city you’ve ever been to is Wal-Mart.
25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.
26. You’ve used your ironing board as a buffet table.
27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.
28. You’ve used a toilet brush to scratch your back.
29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.
30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65 mph.
*
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AIDS OR ALZHEIMERS?
Mr. Smith goes to the doctor’s office to collect his wife’s test results. The lab technician says to him……”I’m sorry, sir but there has been a bit of a mix-up and we have a problem. When we sent the samples from your wife to the lab, the samples from another Mrs. Smith were sent as well and we are now uncertain which one is your wife’s. Frankly, it is either bad news or terrible news!”
“What do you mean?” said Mr. Smith.
“Well….one Mrs. Smith tested positive for Alzheimer’s, and the other Mrs. Smith has tested positive for AIDS. We can’t tell which is your wife’s test.”
“That’s terrible!” said Mr. Smith. “Can we do the test over?”
“Normally, yes. But you have Blue Cross Health Care, and they won’t pay for these expensive tests more than once.”
“Well, what am I supposed to do now?” said Mr. Smith.
“Blue Cross Health Care recommends that you drop your wife off in the middle of town. If she finds her way home, don’t sleep with her.”
*
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DRIVING IN IRAQ
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AAADD
KNOW THE SYMPTOMS…..PLEASE READ!
Thank goodness there’s a name for this disorder. Somehow I feel better even though I have it!!
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. – Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:
I decide to water my garden. As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.
As I start toward the garage, I notice mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.
I lay my car keys on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.
But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Pepsi I’d been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Pepsi aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over.
The Pepsi is getting warm, and I decide to put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the Pepsi, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye–they need water.
I put the Pepsi on the counter and discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers.
I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table.
I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I’ll be looking for the remote, but I won’t remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor.
So, I set the remote back on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill.
Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day:
the car isn’t washed
the bills aren’t paid
there is a warm can of Pepsi sitting on the counter
the flowers don’t have enough water,
there is still only 1 check in my check book,
I can’t find the remote,
I can’t find my glasses,
and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day, and I’m really tired.
I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my email….
*
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*
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THE SHOEBOX
A man and woman had been married for more than 60 years. They had shared everything. They had talked about everything. They had kept no secrets from each other except that the little old woman had a shoe box in the top of her closet that she had cautioned her husband never to open or ask her about.
For all of these years, he had never thought about the box, but one day the little old woman got very sick and the doctor said she would not recover.
In trying to sort out their affairs, the little old man took down the shoe box and took it to his wife’s bedside. She agreed that it was time that he should know what was in the box. When he opened it, he found two crocheted dolls and a stack of money totaling $95,000.
He asked her about the contents.
‘When we were to be married,’ she said, ‘ my grandmother told me the secret of a happy marriage was to never argue. She told me that if I ever got angry with you, I should just keep quiet and crochet a doll.’
The little old man was so moved; he had to fight back tears. Only two precious dolls were in the box. She had only been angry with him two times in all those years of living and loving. He almost burst with happiness.
‘Honey,’ he said, ‘that explains the doll, but what about all of this money? Where did it come from?’
‘Oh,’ she said, ‘that’s the money I made from selling dolls.’
*
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A Prayer…… .
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man;
Love to forgive him;
And Patience for his moods;
Because Lord, if I pray for Strength,
I’ll beat him to death,
Because I don’t have the freakin’ time to crochet.
*
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HEAVENLY HUMOR
An old lady dies and goes to heaven.
She’s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.
Don’t worry about that,’ says St. Peter, ‘It’s only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.’
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.
‘Oh my goodness,’ says the old lady, ‘now what is happening?’
‘Not to worry,’ says St. Peter, she’s just having her head drilled to fit the halo .’
‘I can’t do this,’ says the old lady, ‘I’m going to hell .’
‘You can’t go to that nasty place,’ says St. Peter. ‘You’ll be raped and taken advantage of.’
‘Maybe so,’ says the old lady, but I’ve already got the holes for that.’
*
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INSULTS WITH CLASS
The exchange between Churchill & Lady Astor: She said, “If you were my husband I’d give you poison.” He said, “If you were my wife, I’d drink it.”
A member of Parliament to Disraeli: “Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.” “That depends, Sir,” said Disraeli, “whether I embrace your policies or your mistress…”
“He had delusions of adequacy.” – Walter Kerr
“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.” – Winston Churchill
“I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure.” Clarence Darrow
“He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary.” – William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).
“Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I’ll waste no time reading it.” – Moses Hadas
“I didn’t attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.” – Mark Twain
“He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.” – Oscar Wilde
“I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend…. if you have one.” – George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill
“Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second… if there is one.” – Winston Churchill, in response.
“I feel so miserable without you; it’s almost like having you here.” – Stephen Bishop
“He is a self-made man and worships his creator.” – John Bright
“I’ve just learned about his illness. Let’s hope it’s nothing trivial.” – Irvin S. Cobb
“He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others.” – Samuel Johnson
“He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up.” – Paul Keating
“In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily.” – Charles, Count Talleyrand
“He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.” – Forrest Tucker
“Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?” – Mark Twain
“His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork.” – Mae West
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go.” – Oscar Wilde
“He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts… for support rather than illumination..” – Andrew Lang (1844-1912)
“He has Van Gogh’s ear for music.” – Billy Wilder
“I’ve had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn’t it.” – Groucho Marx
*
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PAINTED CEILING FOR SMOKERS
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Romance & The Point System: “Men Cannot Win For Trying!!!”
In the world of romance, one single rule applies to the men: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points. Do something she dislikes, and points are subtracted. You don’t get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that’s the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system:
==============================
SIMPLE DUTIES:
You make the bed. (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow. (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets. (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants. (+5)
In the rain. (+10)
But return with beer. (-15)
You check out a suspicious noise at night. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing. (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something. (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod. (+10)
It’s her pet. (-25)
==============================
SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS:
You stay by her side for the entire party. (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college buddy. (-2)
Named Tina. (-4)
Tina is a dancer. (-10)
Tina has breast implants. (-80)
Tina has really big breast implants. (-200)
==============================
HER BIRTHDAY:
You take her out to dinner. (0)
You take her out to dinner and it’s not a sports bar. (+1)
Okay, it is a sports bar. (-2)
And it’s all-you-can-eat night. (-3)
It’s a sports bar, it’s all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team. (-10)
==============================
A NIGHT OUT:
You take her to a movie. (+2)
You take her to a movie she likes. (+4)
You take her to a movie you hate. (+6)
You take her to a movie you like. (-2)
And it’s called “Death Cop”. (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans that was featured on “Oprah”. (-15)
==============================
YOUR PHYSIQUE:
You develop a noticeable potbelly. (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it. (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly, resort to baggy jeans & baggy Hawaiian shirts. (-30)
You say, “It doesn’t matter, you have one too.” (-10,000)
==============================
THE ‘BIG’ QUESTION:
She asks, “Do I look fat?” (-5)
[Yes, you LOSE points no matter WHAT you say.]
You hesitate in responding. (-10)
You reply, “Where?” (-35)
Any other response. (-20)
==============================
COMMUNICATION:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression. (0)
You listen for over 30 minutes. (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV. (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep. (-5,000)
*
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REVENUE CANADA – THE TAX MAN
A bright, young, fresh out of school tax auditor just joined Revenue Canada excited to begin tracking down high powered offenders – just like the Enron or WorldCom guys.
Anxious for his first high-powered audit, he was a bit dismayed when his assignment was to audit a Rabbi. Looking over the books, his taxes were pretty straight forward, and the Rabbi clearly very frugal, so he thought he’d make his day interesting by having a little fun with the Rabbi.
“Rabbi”, he said, “I noticed you buy a lot of candles”.
“Yes” answered the Rabbi.
“Well Rabbi, what do you do with the candle drippings?” he asked.
A good question noted the Rabbi “We actually save them up and when we have enough we send them back to the candle maker and every now and then they send us a free box of candles”.
“Oh” replied the auditor somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer so he thought he’d go on in his obnoxious way. “Rabbi what about all these matzo purchases? What do you do with all the crumbs from the matzo?”
“Ah yes” replied the Rabbi calmly “we collect up all the crumbs and when we have enough we send them in a box back to the manufacturer and every now and then they send us a box of matzo balls”.
“Oh” replied the auditor, thinking hard how to fluster the Rabbi. “Well Rabbi” he went on “what do you do with all the foreskins from the circumcisions?”
“Yes, here too we do not waste,” answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and when we have enough we actually send them to Revenue Canada”.
“Revenue Canada” questioned the auditor in disbelief.
“Ah yes” replied the Rabbi, “Revenue Canada, and about once a year they send us a little prick, just like you”.
*
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HUMOR FOR LEXOPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS): or Nice Puns!:
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.
*—————————————————–*
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
*—————————————————–*
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all
right now.
*—————————————————–*
The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference.
*——————————————————*
The butcher backed up into the meat grinder and got a little behind in
his work.
*——————————————————*
To write with a broken pencil is pointless.
*——————————————————*
When fish are in schools they sometimes take debate.
*——————————————————*
The short fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
*——————————————————-*
A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
*——————————————————-*
A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened
criminal.
*——————————————————-*
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.
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We’ll never run out of math teachers because they always multiply.
*——————————————————–*
When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
*——————————————————–*
The math professor went crazy with the blackboard. He did a number on
it.
*——————————————————–*
The professor discovered that her theory of earthquakes was on shaky
ground.
*———————————————————-*
The dead batteries were given out free of charge.
*———————————————————–*
If you take a laptop computer for a run you could jog your memory.
*———————————————————–*
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
*———————————————————–*
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
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A will, is a dead giveaway.
*———————————————————–*
Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
*————————————————————-*
A backward poet writes inverse.
*————————————————————-*
In a democracy it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count
that votes.
*————————————————————–*
A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
*————————————————————–*
If you don’t pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.
*————————————————————–*
With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
*————————————————————–*
Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A- flat
miner.
*—————————————————————*
When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
*—————————————————————*
The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
*—————————————————————-*
A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France, resulted in Linoleum
Blown apart.
*—————————————————————-*
You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
*—————————————————————–*
Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
*—————————————————————–*
He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
*——————————————————————*
A calendar’s days are numbered.
*——————————————————————*
A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
*——————————————————————*
A boiled egg, is hard to beat.
*——————————————————————*
He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
*——————————————————————-*
A plateau, is a high form of flattery.
*——————————————————————*
Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
*——————————————————————-*
When you’ve seen one shopping center you’ve seen a mall.
*——————————————————————–*
If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
*——————————————————————-*
When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye
*
*
COME SEE THE KITTENS, DAD!
*
*
IT VS MANAGEMENT
A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended further and shouted to the lady “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don’t know where I am”
The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.”
“You must be in IT,” said the balloonist.
“Actually I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?”
“Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct but I’ve no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.”
The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.”
“I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?”
“Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are or where you’re going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it’s my f***ing fault…”
*
*
INTERESTING FACTS – WITH COMMENTARY
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)
If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
(Now that’s more like it!)
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)
A pig’s orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)
A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I’m still not over the pig.)
Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home…… maybe at work.)
The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male’s head off.
(“Honey, I’m home. What the….?!”)
The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It’s like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes… lucky pig… can you imagine??)
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life…quality over quantity)
Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm……..)
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you’re ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing….)
A cat’s urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)
Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)
Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they’ll live a lot longer.)
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)
*
*
*
*
INTERNATIONAL MEDICAL BREAKTHROUGH
A French doctor says ‘Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another, and have him looking for work in six weeks.
A German doctor says ‘That is nothing; we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another, and have him looking for work in four weeks.
The Russian doctor says ‘In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.
An American doctor, not to be outdone, says you guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Illinois, put him in the White House, and now half the country is looking for work.
*
*
INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR CONTRACTIONS
A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on ‘Involuntary Muscular Contractions’ to his first year medical students.
Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, ‘Do you know what your asshole is doing while you’re having an orgasm?’
She replied, ‘Probably deer hunting with his buddies.’
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom………
*
*
JOB INTERVIEW
A man seeking to join a border state Sheriff’s Department is being interviewed.
The Sergeant doing the interview says: ‘Your qualifications all look good, but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted.’
Then, sliding a service pistol across the desk, he says: ‘Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six meth dealers, six Muslim extremists and a rabbit.’
‘Why the rabbit?’ the man asked.
‘Great attitude,’ says the Sergeant. ‘When can you start?’
*
*
*
*
JOKE OF THE YEAR 2010
A Marine squad was marching north of Fallujah when they came upon an Iraqi terrorist who was badly injured and unconscious. On the opposite side of the road was an American Marine in a similar but less serious state. The Marine was conscious and alert and as first aid was given to both men, the squad leader asked the injured Marine what had happened.
The Marine reported, “I was heavily armed and moving north along the highway here, and coming south was a heavily armed insurgent. We saw each other and both took cover in the ditches along the road.
I yelled to him that Saddam Hussein was a miserable, lowlife scum bag who got what he deserved. And he yelled back that Barack Obama is a lying, good-for-nothing, left wing Commie who isn’t even an American. So I said that Osama Bin Laden dresseD and actED like a frigid, mean-spirited lesbian! He retaliated by yelling, “Oh yeah? Well, so does Nancy Pelosi!”
“And, there we were, in the middle of the road, shaking hands, when a truck hit us.”
*
*
JOKE OF THE YEAR 2010 #2
Three men – a Canadian farmer, Osama bin Laden and a White Trash Biker are all walking together one day.
They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
‘I will give each of you one wish, which is three wishes in total – one each’, says the Genie.
The Canadian says, ‘I am a farmer and my son will also farm. I want the land to be forever fertile in Canada ‘
POOF! With the blink of the Genie’s eye, the land in Canada was forever fertile for farming.
Osama was amazed, so he said, ‘For my wish I want a wall around Afghanistan, Palestine, Iraq and Iran so that no infidels, Americans or Canadians can come into our precious land.’
POOF! Again, with the blink of the Genie’s eye, there was a huge wall around those countries.
The Biker says, ‘I am very curious. Please tell me more about this wall.’
The Genie explains, ‘Well, it’s about 5,000 feet high, 500 feet thick and completely surrounds those countries. Nothing can get in or out; it’s virtually impenetrable.’
The Biker sits down on his Harley, cracks a beer, lights a cigar, smiles and says, ‘Fill it with water.’
*
*
WATCH THIS A BIT
*
*
IT’S ALL THEIR FAULT
Okay, Okay, it all makes sense now…I never looked at it this way before:
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnecologist .
AND .
When there’s REAL trouble, it’s a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women’s problems start with MEN?
*
*
THE GOVERNMENT CAT
Four men were bragging about how smart their cats were.
The first man was an Engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth man was a Government Employee.
To show off, the Engineer called his cat, “T-square, do your stuff.”
T-square pranced over to the desk, took out some paper and pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.
But the Accountant said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said, “Spreadsheet, do your stuff.”
Spreadsheet went out to the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies .Everyone agreed that was good.
But the Chemist said his cat could do better. He called his cat and said Measure, do your stuff.”
Measure got up, walked to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop into the glass.
Everyone agreed that was pretty good.
Then the three men turned to the Government Employee and said,
“What can your cat do?”
The Government Employee called his cat and said…..”Coffee Break…..do your stuff.”
Coffee Break jumped to his feet…. ate the cookies….. drank the milk….. sh*t on the paper……. screwed the other three cats……… claimed he injured his back while doing so……… filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions……. put in for Workers Compensation……..and went home for the rest of the day on sick leave
*
*
*
*
HEAVEN OR HELL
While walking down the street one day a corrupt politician (that may be redundant) was tragically hit by a car and died.
His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.
“Welcome to heaven,” says St.. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”
“No problem, just let me in,” says the politician.
“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”
“Really?, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the politician.
“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”
And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.
The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.
In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.
Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.
Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.
They are all having such a good time that before the politician realizes it, it is time to go.
Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.
The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven…”
So, 24 hours passed with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.
“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”
The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”
So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell…
Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage.
He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.
The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.
“I don’t understand,” stammers the politician. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”
The devil smiles at him and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning.”
“Today, you voted.”
*
*
MY ACCIDENT
I rear-ended another car this morning. I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn’t you know it! He was a DWARF!
He looked up at me and said “I am NOT Happy!”
So I said, “Well, then, which one ARE you?”
And that’s how the fight started…….!
*
*
YOU KNOW YOU’RE IN CANADA WHEN …
CANADIAN BUS SERVICE
*
CANADIAN ROAD HAZARD
*
CANADIAN CHRISTMAS TREE
*
DRY CANADIAN SUMMER
*
HOCKEY SENTIMENT IN CANADA
*
TORONTO POLICE
*
SHORTS IN CANADIAN WINTER
*
Canadian snow day
*
*
THE BEST DRINKING STORY EVER
From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Texas.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five different vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.
To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!
Dumbfounded, the officer said “I’ll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken.”
“I doubt it,” said the man, “tonight I’m the designated decoy.
*
*
*
*
NEWFIE JOKE # 4
The Newfoundland RCMP pulled over a pickup truck on Highway 1.
The RCMP officer asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
*
*
MORAL / ETHICAL DILEMMA
You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading…
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.”
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations. Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”
However, the correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner against the bus stop sign, then drive off with the old friend for some beers.
*
*
Grandpa’s Audit … Thinking Outside the Box!
Another example of why you should never underestimate a cagey old-timer…
Revenue Canada decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the tax office.
The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, ‘Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure we find that believable.’
I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,’ says Grandpa. ‘How about a demonstration?’
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, ‘Okay. Go ahead.’
Grandpa says, ‘I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.’
The auditor thinks a moment and says, ‘It’s a bet.’
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, ‘Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.’ Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
‘Want to go double or nothing?’ Grandpa asks ‘I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.’
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
‘Are you okay?’ the auditor asks.
‘Not really,’ says the attorney. ‘This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.’
*
*
*
*
A Blonde and her Dogs
A girl was visiting her blonde friend who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex.
Her friend said, “Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?”
“Hellooooo,” answered the blonde, “they’re watch dogs!”
*
*
The State Trooper and the Cowboy
A cowboy was pulled over by a state trooper for speeding.
The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in
general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel
uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket.
As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing
around his head.
The cowboy said, “Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?”
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, “Well, yeah, if that’s
what they are. I never heard of circle flies.”
So the cowboy says, “Well, circle flies are common on ranches. See, they’re
called circle flies because they’re almost always found circling around the
back end of a horse.”
The trooper says, “Oh,” and goes back to writing the ticket.
Then after a minute, he stops and asks, “Are you trying to call me a
horse’s ass?”
The cowboy says, “Oh no, trooper. I have too much respect for law
enforcement to even think about calling you a horse’s ass.”
The trooper says, “Well that’s a good thing,” and goes back to writing the
ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy says, “Hard to fool them flies, though.”
*
*
GUY RULES
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
1. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear
.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine….. Really.
1. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as sports, the weather, or hunting.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round is a shape.
1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don’t mind that? It’s like camping.
*
*
*
*
CV’s
THESE ARE TAKEN FROM REAL CVs AND COVERING LETTERS AND WERE PRINTED IN FORTUNE MAGAZINE.
1. “I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms.”
2. “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
3. “Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year.”
4. “Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions.”
5. “Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave.”
6. “Failed bar exam with relatively high grades.”
7. “It’s best for employers that I not work with people.”
8. “Let’s meet, so you can ‘ooh’ and ‘aah’ over my experience.”
9. “I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”
10.”Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments.”
11.”I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
12.”I am loyal to my employer at all costs. Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.”
13.”My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
14.”I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant.”
15.”Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far.”
16.”Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chainstore.”
17.”Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
18.”Marital status: often. Children: various.”
19.”The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers.”
20.”Finished eighth in my class of ten.”
21.”References: none. I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”
.
THESE QUOTES WERE TAKEN FROM ACTUAL PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS.
1. “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.”
2. “I would not allow this employee to breed.”
3. “This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won’t be.”
4. “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”
5. “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.”
6. “When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there.”
7. “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.”
8. “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”
9. “This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better.”
.
THESE ARE ACTUAL LINES FROM MILITARY PERFORMANCE APPRAISALS
1. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn’t watching.
2. A room temperature IQ.
3. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.
4. A gross ignoramus — 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.
5. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.
6. As bright as Alaska in December.
7. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.
8. He’s so dense, light bends around him.
9. If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.
10. It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm.
11. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.
*
*
*
*
BLONDE STOWAWAY
A pretty, young, blonde woman in Vancouver was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean.
She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier, crying.
He took pity on her and said, “Look, you have so much to live for. I’m off to Hawaii in the morning. If you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day.”
Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her waist and added, I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy.”
The blonde nodded. What did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Hawaii would give her life new meaning.
That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in the bowels of the ship.
From then on, he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit every night, and they made passionate love until dawn.
Two weeks later, the blonde was discovered by the Captain during a routine inspection. “What are you doing here?” he asked.
I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and a trip to Hawaii and in return he’s screwing me.”
He certainly is,” said the Captain. “This is the Nanaimo ferry.”
*
*
JIM AND EDNA
Jim and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom, pulled Jim out and brought him to his room.
When the hospital director became aware of Edna’s heroic act, she immediately ordered that Edna be discharged from the hospital because she now considered Edna to be mentally stable.
She went to Edna and said, “I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you’re being discharged because you responded so rationally to a crisis. By jumping in the pool to save the life of another patient, you displayed sound mindedness.
The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself in his bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he’s dead.”
Edna replied, “He didn’t hang himself. I put him there to dry. How soon can I leave?”
*
*
*
*
JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE
Another case of underestimating the ammo requirements
As reported earlier this week, some dirtbag who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop in Florida ended up “executing” the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed.
A statewide manhunt ensued. The low-life piece of human garbage was found hiding in a wooded area with his gun. SWAT team officers fired and hit said low-life 68 times.
Asked why they shot the guy 68 times, Polk County Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel.
“That’s all the bullets we had.”
*
*
HUSBANDMART
A HusbandMart opened where a woman may go to choose a husband from among
many men. The store is composed of six floors, and the men increase in
positive attributes as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a
catch. As you open the door to any floor you may choose a man from that
floor, but if you go up a floor, you cannot go back down except to exit the
building. So a woman goes to the shopping center to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 – These men have
jobs. The woman reads the sign and says to herself, “Well, that’s better
than my last boyfriend, but I wonder what’s further up?” So up she goes.
The: second floor sign reads: Floor 2 – These men have jobs and love kids.
The woman remarks to herself, “That’s great, but I wonder what’s further
up?” And up she goes again.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 – These men have jobs, love kids and are
extremely good looking. “Hmmm, better” she says. “But I wonder what’s
upstairs?”
The fourth floor sign reads: Floor 4 – These men have jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking and help with the housework. “Wow!” exclaims the
woman, “very tempting. BUT, there must be more further up!” And again she
heads up another flight.
The fifth floor sign reads: Floor 5 – These men have jobs, love kids, are
extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic
streak. “Oh, mercy me! But just think … what must be awaiting me further
on?” So up to the sixth floor she goes.
The sixth floor sign reads: Floor 6 —You are visitor 1,260,459,789,015 to
this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at HusbandMart and have a nice day.
*
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ALARMING STATISTICS
DOCTORS:
1. The number of doctors in Canada is 700,000
2. Accidental deaths caused by physicians per year are 120,000
3. Accidental deaths per physician is 17.14%
STATISTICS COURTESY OF THE CANADA DEPT. OF HEALTH AND HUMAN RESOURCES
GUNS:
1. The number of guns owned in Canada is 80,000,000 (yes that’s 80 million)
2. The number of accidental gun deaths per year, all age groups, is 1,500.
3. The number of accidental deaths per gun owner is 0.001875%
STATISTIS COURTESY OF THE RCMP
So, statistically, doctors are approximately 9,000 times more dangerous
than gun owners.
Remember, guns don’t kill people, doctors do.
FACT: NOT EVERYONE HAS A GUN, BUT ALMOST EVERYONE
HAS AT LEAST ONE DOCTOR.
Please alert your friends to this alarming threat. We must ban doctors
before this gets completely out of hand!!!
Out of concern for the public at large, statistics on lawyers has been
withheld for fear the shock would cause people to panic and seek medical
attention. Then we would be in real trouble.
*
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CYANIDE CHUCKLE
A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, right up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, “I would like to buy some cyanide.”
The pharmacist asked, “Why in the world do you need cyanide?” The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”
The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband! That’s against the law!
I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.
The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now. That’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”
*
*
*
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GREAT IDEAS FROM THE PAST
1. “Computers, in the future, may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.”
– Popular Mechanics, forecasting the relentless march of science, 1949.
2. “I think there is a world market for, maybe, five computers.”
– Thomas Watson, chairman of IBM, 1943.
3. “I have traveled the length and breadth of this country, and talked with the best people, and I can assure you that data processing is a fad that won’t last out the year.”
– The editor in charge of business books for Prentice Hall, 1957.
4. “But what is it good for?”
– Engineer at the Advanced Computing Systems Division of IBM, 1968, commenting on the microchip.
5. “There is no reason anyone would want a computer in their home.” – Ken Olson, president, chairman and founder of Digital Equipment Corp.,1977.
6. “This ‘telephone’ has too many shortcomings to be seriously considered as a means of communication. The device is, inherently, of no value.”
– Western Union internal memo, 1876.
7. “The wireless music box has no imaginable commercial value.
Who would pay for a message sent to nobody in particular?”
– David Sarnoff’s associates in response to his urgings for investment in the radio in the 1920s
8. “The concept is interesting and well-formed.
But, in order to earn better than a ‘C,’ the idea must be feasible.”
– A Yale Univ. management professor in response to Fred Smith’s paper proposing reliable overnight delivery service.( Smith went on to found Federal Express Corp.)
9. “Who wants to hear actors talk?”
– H.M. Warner, Warner Brothers, 1927
10. “I’m just glad it will be Clark Gable who is falling on his face and not Gary Cooper.”
– Gary Cooper on his decision not to take the leading role in “Gone With The Wind”.
11. “A cookie store is a bad idea. Besides, the market research reports say America likes crispy cookies, not soft and chewy cookies like you make.”
– Response to Debbi Fields’ idea of starting Mrs. Fields’ Cookies.
12. “We don’t like their sound and guitar music is on the way out.”
– Decca Recording Co. rejecting the Beatles, 1962
13. “You want to have consistent and uniform muscle development across all of your muscles? It can’t be done. It’s just a fact of life. You just have to accept inconsistent muscle development as an unalterable condition of weight training.”
– Response to Arthur Jones, who solved the “unsolvable” problem by inventing Nautilus.
14. “Stocks have reached what looks like a, permanently, high plateau.”
– Irving Fisher, Professor of Economics, Yale University, 1929
15.” Airplanes are interesting toys, but of no military value.”
– Marecha Ferdinand Foch, Professor of Strategy, Ecole Superieure de Guerre.
16. “Louis Pasteur’s theory of germs is ridiculous fiction.”
– Pierre Pachet, Professor of Physiology at Toulouse, 1872
17. “The abdomen, the chest, and the brain will forever be shut
from the intrusion of the wise and humane surgeon.”
– Sir John Eric Ericksen, British surgeon, Surgeon-Extraordinary to Queen Victoria, 1873.
and finally…….
18. “64K ought to be enough memory for anybody.”
– Bill Gates, 1981
*
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*
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EXERCISING
Walking can add minutes to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old and we don’t know where the hell she is.
The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
I joined a health club last year, spent about 400 bucks. Haven’t lost a pound. Apparently you have to go there.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.
And last but not least: I don’t exercise because it knocks the ice out of my glass.
*
*
DUTIES
Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.
Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed to be done at their house.
He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.
Jimmie had married a woman from Australia.
He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the house cleaning, dishes, and the cooking.
He told them that the first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day it was better.
By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.
The third man had married a Canadian girl.
He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal.
He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye; enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.
God Bless Canadian Women!
*
*
PUT A LITTLE PUN IN YOUR DAY
Some old, some new…
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” “Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two termites walk into a bar. One asks, “Is the bar tender here?”
BUT WAIT — THERE’S MORE!! Here are the 10 first place winners in the International Pun Contest
1) A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, “I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”
2) Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says “Dam!”.
3) Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
4) Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says “I’ve lost my electron,” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies “Yes, I’m positive.”
5) Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
6) A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because”, he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
7) A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
8) These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to “persuade” them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he’d be back if they didn’t close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
9) Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)….. A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
10) And finally, there was the person who sent ten different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
*
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ROPING A DEER
This will take a few minutes so you may want to use the rest room first …
…Names have been removed to protect the stupid !
Actual Letter from someone who writes, and farms.
I had this idea that I was going to rope a deer, put it in a stall, feed it up on corn for a couple of weeks, then kill it and eat it.
The first step in this adventure was getting a deer. I figured that, since they congregate at my cattle feeder and do not seem to have much fear of me when we are there (a bold one will sometimes come right up and sniff at the bags of feed while I am in the back of the truck not 4 feet away), it should not be difficult to rope one, get up to it and toss a bag over its head (to calm it down) then hog tie it and transport it home.
I filled the cattle feeder then hid down at the end with my rope.
The cattle, having seen the roping thing before, stayed well back. They were not having any of it.
After about 20 minutes, my deer showed up — 3 of them. I picked out a likely looking one, stepped out from the end of the feeder, and threw my rope. The deer just stood there and stared at me.
I wrapped the rope around my waist and twisted the end so I would have a good hold. The deer still just stood and stared at me, but you could tell it was mildly concerned about the whole rope situation.
I took a step towards it…it took a step away. I put a little tension on the rope and then received an education.
The first thing that I learned is that, while a deer may just stand there looking at you funny while you rope it, they are spurred to action when you start pulling on that rope.
That deer EXPLODED.
The second thing I learned is that pound for pound, a deer is a LOT stronger than a cow or a colt. A cow or a colt in that weight range I could fight down with a rope and with some dignity.
A deer– no chance.
That thing ran and bucked and twisted and pulled. There was no controlling it and certainly no getting close to it. As it jerked me off my feet and started dragging me across the ground, it occurred to me that having a deer on a rope was not nearly as good an idea as I had originally imagined. The only upside is that they do not have as much stamina as many other animals.
A brief 10 minutes later, it was tired and not nearly as quick to jerk me off my feet and drag me when I managed to get up. It took me a few minutes to realize this, since I was mostly blinded by the blood flowing out of the big gash in my head. At that point, I had lost my taste for corn-fed venison. I just wanted to get that devil creature off the end of that rope.
I figured if I just let it go with the rope hanging around its neck, it would likely die slow and painfully somewhere.
At the time, there was no love at all between me and that deer. At that moment, I hated the thing, and I would venture a guess that the feeling was mutual.
Despite the gash in my head and the several large knots where I had cleverly arrested the deer’s momentum by bracing my head against various large rocks as it dragged me across the ground, I could still think clearly enough to recognize that there was a small chance that I shared some tiny amount of responsibility for the situation we were in, so I didn’t want the deer to have it suffer a slow death, so I managed to get it lined back up in between my truck and the feeder – a little trap I had set beforehand…kind of like a squeeze chute.
I got it to back in there and I started moving up so I could get my rope back.
Did you know that deer bite? They do! I never in a million years would have thought that a deer would bite somebody, so I was very surprised when I reached up there to grab that rope and the deer grabbed hold of my wrist.
Now, when a deer bites you, it is not like being bit by a horse where they just bite you and then let go. A deer bites you and shakes its head -almost like a pit bull. They bite HARD and it hurts.
The proper thing to do when a deer bites you is probably to freeze and draw back slowly. I tried screaming and shaking instead. My method was ineffective. It seems like the deer was biting and shaking for several minutes, but it was likely only several seconds.
I, being smarter than a deer (though you may be questioning that claim by now) tricked it.
While I kept it busy tearing the bejesus out of my right arm, I reached up with my left hand and pulled that rope loose. That was when I got my final lesson in deer behavior for the day.
Deer will strike at you with their front feet. They rear right up on their back feet and strike right about head and shoulder level, and their hooves are surprisingly sharp.
I learned a long time ago that, when an animal — like a horse –strikes at you with their hooves and you can’t get away easily, the best thing to do is try to make a loud noise and make an aggressive move towards the animal. This will usually cause them to back down a bit so you can escape.
This was not a horse. This was a deer, so obviously, such trickery would not work. In the course of a millisecond, I devised a different strategy.
I screamed like a woman and tried to turn and run.
The reason I had always been told NOT to try to turn and run from a horse that paws at you is that there is a good chance that it will hit you in the back of the head.
Deer may not be so different from horses after all, besides being twice as strong and 3 times as evil, because the second I turned to run, it hit me right in the back of the head and knocked me down.
Now, when a deer paws at you and knocks you down, it does not immediately leave. I suspect it does not recognize that the danger has passed. What they do instead is paw your back and jump up and down on you while you are laying there crying like a little girl and covering your head.
I finally managed to crawl under the truck and the deer went away.
So now I know why when people go deer hunting they bring a rifle with a scope so that they can be somewhat equal to the Prey.
*
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STUCK IN THE ELEVATOR
Four guys and a woman are stuck in an elevator.
While they are stuck, they strike up a conversation.
The first guy says, ‘I’m a Y.U.P.P.I.E., you know. ”Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist”
The second guy says, ‘I’m a D.I.N.K.Y., you know… ”Double Income, No Kids Yet. ‘
The third guy says, ‘I’m a R.U.B., you know. ”Rich, Urban, Biker. ‘
The fourth guy says, I am a D.I.L.D.O., you know… ”Double Income, Little Dog Owner.”
They turn to the woman and ask her. ”What are you?”
She replies: ‘I’m a WIFE, you know. ‘Wash, Iron, F**k and Entertain.”
*
*
Stephen Harper was looking for a call girl
He found three such girls in a local pub, a blonde, a brunette and a redhead.
To the blonde he said, I am the Prime Minister of Canada.
Now how much would it cost me to spend some time with you?’
She replied, $200.’
To the brunette he asked the same question.
Her reply was $100.
He then asked the redhead…
Her reply was,
‘Mr. Prime Minister, if you can get my skirt up as high as my taxes, my pants as low as my wages, get as hard as the times we are living in, and keep it rising like the price of gas, keep me warmer than it is in my apartment and screw me the way you have the retirees, then it isn’t going to cost you a damn cent !’
*
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IDIOTS IN THE WORLD
IDIOTS IN SERVICE. This week, all our office phones went dead and I had
to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between
8:00 a.m. and 7:00p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time
window.
The pleasant gentleman asked, “Would you like us to call you before we
come?” I replied that I didn’t see how he would be able to do that since
our phones weren’t working. He also requested that we report future outages by
email (Does YOUR email work without a telephone line?).
IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase
when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless
the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to
compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the
one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently
had a new Neighbor call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer
were being hit by cars and she didn’t want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He
said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. At another Taco Bell, I was
asked if I wanted the food to go. I said no. She asked, do you want to eat
it here? I said, can I eat it on the roof?
IDIOT SIGHTING #1 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?” To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?” She smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
IDIOT SIGHTING #2 The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe To
cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if
I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people
when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people
doing driving?”
IDIOT SIGHTING #3 At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker
who is leaving the company due to “downsizing,” our manager commented
cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not a word was
spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights
stare.
IDIOT SIGHTING #4 I work with an individual who plugged her power strip
back into itself and for the life of her couldn’t understand why her
system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5 When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in
it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
“Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open!” To which he replied, “I
know – I already got that side.”
*
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HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-Alan, age 10
No person really decides before they grow up whom they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with.
-Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-Camille, age 10
No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married.
-Freddie, age 6 (Very wise for his age)
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MUM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
Both don’t want any more kids.
-Lori, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-Lynnette, age 8 (Isn’t she a treasure)
On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-Martin, age 10
WHAT WOULD YOU DO ON A FIRST DATE THAT WAS TURNING SOUR?
I’d run home and play dead. The next day I would call all the newspapers and make sure they wrote about me in all the dead columns.
-Craig, age 9
WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
When they’re rich.
-Pam, age 7
The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn’t want to mess with that.
-Curt, age 7
The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It’s the right thing to do, so make sure it counts
-Howard, age 8
IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
I don’t know which is better, but I’ll tell you one thing. I’m never going to have sex with my wife. I don’t want to be all grossed out.
-Theodore, age 8
It’s better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-Anita, age 9 (Bless you child)
HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN’T GET MARRIED?
There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn’t there?
-Kelvin, age 8
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck.
-Ricky, age 10
*
*
GETTING EVEN……….
One December day we found an old straggly cat at our door.
She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny, and hair all matted down.
We felt sorry for her, put her in a carrier and took her to the vet.
We didn’t know what to call her, so we named her “Pussycat.”
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.”
He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye.
The vet calls my husband ‘El-Cheap-O’, and my husband calls the vet ‘El-Charge-O’.
They love to hate each other, and constantly ‘snipe’ at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet. The MD’s waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.
A side door opened and the vet leaned in – he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said,
“Your wife’s pussy doesn’t stink any more, and it’s finally clean and shaved, so she now smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God only knows who the father is!”
Then he closed the door.
Now THAT is getting even!
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Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
*How did God make mothers?*
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
*What ingredients are mothers made of?*
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
*Why did God give you Your mother & not some other mom? *
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.
*What kind of little girl was your mom?*
1. My Mom has always been my Mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
*What did Mom need to know about dad before she married him?*
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
*Why did your Mom marry your dad?*
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.
*Who’s the boss at your house?*
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
*What’s the difference between Moms & dads?*
1 . Moms work at work and work at home & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but Moms have all the real power ’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
*What does your Mom do in her spare time?*
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
*What would it take to make your Mom perfect?*
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.
*If you could change one thing about your Mom, what* *would it be?*
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get rid of that.
2. I’d make my Mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.
*
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*
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Why Parents Get Gray Hair!
A father passing by his son’s bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.
Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, “Dad.”
With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:
Dear Dad,
It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with you and Mom.
I’ve been finding real passion with Joan and she is so nice. I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it’s not only the passion, Dad, she’s pregnant.
Joan says that we are going to be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood, enough for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Joan has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn’t really hurt anyone. We’ll be growing it and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we’ll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Joan can get better; she sure deserves it!
Don’t worry Dad, I’m 15 years old now and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I’m sure we’ll be back to visit so you can get to know your grandchildren.
Your son, Chad
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I’m over at Tommy’s house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that’s in my desk drawer.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
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Why Rednecks aren’t Paramedics
A couple of rednecks are out in the woods hunting when one of them suddenly grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn’t seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled
back in his head.
The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911.
He gasps to the operator, “I think Bubba is dead! What should I do?”
The operator, in a calm soothing voice says, “Just take it easy and follow my instructions.
First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There is a silence … and then a shot is heard.
The guy’s voice comes back on the line, “Okay, now what?”
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Why women live longer than men
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Why parents drink
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employee’s home phone number and was greeted with a child’s whisper.
“Hello.”
“Is your daddy home?” he asked.
“Yes,” whispered the small voice.
“May I talk with him?”
The child whispered, “No.”
Surprised, and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”
“Yes.”
“May I talk with her?”
Again the small voice whispered, “No.”
Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”
“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman.”
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee’s home, the boss asked,
“May I speak with the policeman?”
“No, he’s busy”, whispered the child.
“Busy doing what?”
“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the earpiece on the phone the boss asked, “What is that noise?”
“A hello-copper” answered the whispering voice.
“What is going on there?” asked the boss, now truly alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, “The search team just landed the hello-copper.”
Alarmed, concerned, and even more then just a little frustrated, the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: “ME.”
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Golfers’ Sons Successes
Four men went to play golf one day. Three of them headed to the first tee and the fourth went into the clubhouse to take care of the bill.
The three men started talking and bragging about their sons.
The first man told the others, “My son is a home builder, and he is so successful that he gave a friend a new home for free.”
The second man said, “My son was a car salesman, and now he owns a multi-line dealership. He’s so successful that he gave a friend a new Mercedes, fully loaded.”
The third man, not wanting to be outdone, bragged, “My son is a stockbroker, and he’s doing so well that he gave his friend an entire portfolio.”
The fourth man joined them on the tee after a few minutes of taking care of business.
The first man mentioned, “We are just talking about our sons. How is yours doing?”
The fourth man replied, “Well, my son is gay and go-go dances in a gay bar.”
The other three men grew silent as he continued, “I’m not totally thrilled about the dancing job, but he must be doing well. His last three boyfriends gave him a house, a brand new Mercedes, and a stock portfolio.”
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Wife 1.0 Software
Computer Problems….Wife 1.0 Software
Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I can’t seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications.
I’m thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn’t work on Wife 1.0.
Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.
REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!
It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under “Warnings-Alimony/Child Support.”
I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application “Yes Dear” to alleviate software augmentation.
The best course of action is to enter the command C: \ APOLOGIZE, because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway.
Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how you use these programs.
Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5.
Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Diamonds 5.0.
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3.
This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support
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With A Five Year Old…
WHAT YOU SEE IS WHAT YOU GET
Jake is 5 and learning to read. He points at a picture in a zoo book and says, “Look Mama! It’s a frickin’ Elephant!”
Deep breath … “What did you call it?!”
“It’s a frickin’ Elephant, Mama! It says so on the picture!”
And so it does…. “A…f r i c a n Elephant.”
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Will I live to be 80?
I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well” for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him,
“Do you think I’ll live to be 80?”
He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer?”
“Oh no”, I replied, “I’ve never done either.”
Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbequed ribs?
I said, “No, I’ve heard that all “red meat” is very unhealthy!”
“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf?” he asked.
“No I don’t,” I said.
He said, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or fool around with sexy women?”,
“No,” I said, “I’ve never done any of those things.”
He look at me and said, “Then why in hell do you want to live to be 80??”
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A little jewelry goes a long way!
An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side.
He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.
The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him.
The old man said, “I don’t think you understand, I want something very special.”
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
“Here’s a stunning ring at only $40,000,” the jeweler said.
The young lady’s eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, “We’ll take it.”
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, by check.
“I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I’ll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I’ll pick the ring up Monday afternoon,” he said.
Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man.
“There’s no money in that account.”
“I know”, said the old man, “but can you imagine the weekend I had?”
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SOUTHERN GRANDMA
Lawyers should never ask a Southern grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me? “
She responded, “Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams I’ve known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you’ve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven’t the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.”
The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked,
“Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”
She again replied, “Why, yes, I do. I’ve known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He’s lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your
wife. Yes, I know him.”
The defense attorney almost died.
The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, “If either of you asks her if she knows me, I’ll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt.”
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A WOMAN’S VOCABULARY
Keywords and their meaning.
FINE – This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES – This is half an hour. It is an equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so I feel that it’s an even trade.
NOTHING – This means something and you should be on your toes. “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. “Nothing” usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with the word “Fine”.
GO AHEAD – (with raised eyebrows) This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over “Nothing” and will end with the word “Fine”.
GO AHEAD – (normal eyebrows) This means “I give up” or “do what you want because I don’t care”. You will get a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH – This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A “Loud Sigh” means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over “Nothing”.
SOFT SIGH – Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. “Soft Sighs” are one of the few things that some men actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.
OH – This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; “Oh, let me get that”. Or, “Oh, I talked to him about what you were doing last night”. If she says “Oh” before a statement, run, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is “Fine” when she is done tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.
“Oh” as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get raised eyebrows “Go ahead” followed by acts so unspeakable that I can’t bring myself to write about them.
THAT’S OKAY – This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say to a man. “That’s Okay” means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for what ever it is that you have done. “That’s Okay” is often used with the word “Fine” and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow “Go Ahead”. At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO – This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a “That’s Okay”.
THANKS – A woman is thanking you. Do not faint, just say you’re welcome.
THANKS A LOT – This is much different than “Thanks”. A woman will say, “Thanks A Lot” when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the “Loud Sigh”. Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the “Loud Sigh”, as she will only tell you “Nothing”.
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BAD GIRL
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub… She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
“Are you the manager?” she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
Actually, no,” he replied.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him,” she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” breathed the bartender. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes. I need for you to give him a message,” she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender’s lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?” the bartender managed to say.
“Tell him,” she whispered, “there’s no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room.”
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OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR WOMEN:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent: Oil Change $30.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $31.00
OIL CHANGE INSTRUCTIONS FOR MEN:
1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.
2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O’Reilly to Recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid’s pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.
12) Clean up mess.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Look for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.
16) Beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
30) Drink beer.
31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December (1992) in the left boob.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over — arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Make bail.
50) Get car from impound yard.
Money spent: Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $25.00
Total– $4150.00
But you know the job was done right!
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CO-WORKERS ON HOLIDAY # 1
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CO-WORKERS ON HOLIDAY # 2
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CO-WORKERS ON HOLIDAY # 3
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CO-WORKERS ON HOLIDAY # 4
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CO-WORKERS ON HOLIDAY # 5
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WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE ……. A point of view.
Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan , several years before the Afghan conflict. She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.
She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the oppressive Taliban regime, the women are happy to maintain the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, ‘Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you once tried so desperately to change?’
The woman looked Ms. Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, ‘Land Mines.’
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FAVORITE ANIMAL
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…
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NEOLOGISMS
Thanks to Verdran Vuk of Casey Research, these are originally from the winning submissions from a Washington Post neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. The winners are:
Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists
.
Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year’s winners:
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
Karmageddon (n): it’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n..): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
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CHAIN EMAILS
Hello, my name is Randy and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion Friggin’ chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor 6-year-old girl In Arkansas born with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show.
Do you honestly believe that Bill Gates is going to give you, and everyone to whom you send “his” email, $1000?
How stupid are we?
“Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I’ll get laid by a supermodel I just happen to run into the next day!”
What a bunch of bullshit.
Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower.
Well, screw ‘em!
If you’re going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing. I’ve seen all the “send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being” forwards about 90 times.
I don’t friggin’ care.
Show a little intelligence and think about what you’re actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it’s our own unpopularity.
The point being, if you get some chain letter that’s threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it’s funny, send it on.
Don’t piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the 5 cents per letter he’ll receive if you forward that email.
If you don’t forward emails, tomorrow morning your underwear will NOT turn carnivorous and will NOT consume your genitals.
So there!
Have a nice day!
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Did the English language survive Dubbya?
Complain about Obama but don’t forget how dumb Bush was. Here follow some “Bushisms”
‘The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.’ – George W. Bush
‘If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.’ – George W. Bush
‘One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is ‘to be prepared’.’ – George W. Bush
‘I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.’- George W. Bush
‘The future will be better tomorrow.’ – George W. Bush
‘We’re going to have the best educated American people in the world.’ – George W. Bush
‘I stand by all the misstatements that I’ve made.’ – George W. Bush
‘We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe .’ – George W. Bush
‘Public speaking is very easy.’ – George W. Bush
‘A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.’ – George W. Bush
‘We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.’ – George W. Bush
‘For NASA, space is still a high priority.’ – George W. Bush
‘Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.’ – George W. Bush
‘It isn’t pollution that’s harming the environment. It’s the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.’ – George W. Bush
‘It’s time for the human race to enter the solar system.’ -George W. Bush
Nuff said!
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DRUNKEN COWBOY
A drunken cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in a Calgary theatre.
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the cowboy, “Sorry, sir, but you’re only allowed one seat.” The cowboy groaned but didn’t budge. The usher became more impatient:
“Sir, if you don’t get up from there I’m going to have to call the manager.” Once again, the cowboy just groaned.
The usher marched briskly back up the aisle, and in a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success.
Finally they summoned the police.
The Officer surveyed the situation briefly then asked, “All right buddy what’s your name?”
“Sam,” the cowboy moaned.
“Where ya from, Sam?” asked the Policeman?
With terrible pain in his voice, and without moving a muscle, Sam replied, “… the balcony…”
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DRUGSTORE DIAGNOSTICS
One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him.
“My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor”.
Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies.
There’s a diagnostic computer at the drugstore at the corner. Just give it a urine sample and the computer’ll tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten bucks, a hell of a lot cheaper than a doctor
So Jacks deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to the drugstore. He deposits the dollars and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits.
Ten seconds later the computer ejects a print out: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to the drugstore, eager to check the results.
He deposits ten dollars pours in his concoction, and awaits the results.
The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant….twin girls. They are not yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
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Doc’s office …
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor’s office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what’s wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There’s nothing worse than a Doctor’s Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it.
An 86 year old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk.
The Receptionist said, “Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?”
“There’s something wrong with my dick”, he replied.
The receptionist became irritated and said, “You shouldn’t come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that.”
“Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you,” he said.
The Receptionist replied; “Now you’ve caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.”
The man replied, “You shouldn’t ask people questions in a room full strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.
The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, “Yes??”
“There’s something wrong with my ear”, he stated.
The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.
“And what is wrong with your ear, Sir??”
“I can’t piss out of it,” he replied.
The waiting room erupted in laughter. Mess with seniors and you’re gonna lose!
*
*
The Caretaker’s Call!
At dawn the telephone rings. “Hello, Senor Humphrey? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.”
“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, sir, that your parrot died”
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”
“Si, that’s the one.”
“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?”
“From eating rotten meat.”
“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody senor. He ate the meat of one of the dead horses.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Mr. Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire.”
“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”
“The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”
“What the…..!!! But there’s electricity at the house!!!! What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral.”
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?!”
“Your mother in law’s…She showed up one night out of the blue and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver.”
SILENCE………………..”Ernesto if you broke that driver you’re fired.”
*
*
*
*
CANADIAN QUEBECER JOKE
A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper.
“Black pepper or white pepper?” asked the concierge.
“Toilette pepper!” yelled the Quebecer.
*
*
*
*
HOSPITAL TALK
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each
other, outside the operating room.
The first kid leans over and asks, “What are you in here for?”
The second kid says, “I’m in here to get my tonsils out and I’m a little nervous.”
The first kid says, “You’ve got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It’s a breeze.”
The second kid then asks, “What are you here for?” The first kid says, “A circumcision.”
And the second kid says, “Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born…………..
Couldn’t walk for a year”
*
*
THE HIT MAN GOLFER
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, “Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”
“Sure,” they said, “You’re welcome.” So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, “What do you do for a living?”
“I’m a hit man,” was the reply. “You’re joking!” was the response.
“No, I’m not,” he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight. “Here are my tools.”
“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” said the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.” So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window. Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked!! Wait a minute, that’s my neighbour in there with her. He’s naked, too!!! The bitch!”
He turned to the hit man, “How much do you charge for a hit?
“I’ll do a flat rate for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”
“Can you do two for me now?”
Sure, what do you want?”
“First, shoot my wife, but don’t kill her, she’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour, he was a friend of mine, but don’t kill him either, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson.”
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
“Are you going to do it or not?” said the friend impatiently.
“Just be patient,” said the hit man calmly, “I think I can save you a grand here…”
*
*
INTERNATIONAL SYMBOL OF MARRIAGE
*
*
Things people said in court
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and are things people actually said in court. Taken down by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lay there.
__________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: In what way does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
__________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: ‘Cathy, where am I?’
ATTORNEY: Why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty year old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He’s twenty one.
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shittin’ me?
__________________________
ATTORNEY: The date of the conception ( of the baby ) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh….I was gettin’ laid…..
__________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS : Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you serious? Your Honor, I need a different attorney…Can I get a new attorney?
__________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: By whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or female?
WITNESS: Guess……
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here today pursuant to a deposition notice I sent to you attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
_________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL of your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started about 8:00 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Smith was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him……..
__________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Uh, are you qualified to ask that question?
__________________________
last one~
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Then, could it be possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be sure?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive anyway?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
*****
And, this is one I heard a few years ago as a witness in another court case in Atikokan, Ontario.
Judge: “How much time do you think you need?”
Defendant: “About three months.”
Judge: “No, I mean how much time will you need in court?”
That defendant had just voluntarily pleaded guilty right then and there. I bit my tongue to keep from laughing.
*
*
*
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QUICK, BEFORE IT STARTS
A man came home from work, sat down in his favorite chair, turned on the TV and said to his wife, “Quick bring me a beer before it starts.”
She looked a little puzzled, but brought him a beer. When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start.”
This time she looked a little angry, but brought him another beer.
When it was gone, he said, “Quick another beer before it starts.”
“That’s it!” She blows her top. “You jerk! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don’t even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave. Don’t you realize that I cook and clean, and wash and iron all day long!!”
The husband sighed, “It started!”
*
*
THE PARROT
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and tried to change the bird’s attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to “clean up” the bird’s vocabulary.
Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got even angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.
For a few minutes, the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly, there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior”.
John was stunned at the change in the bird’s attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the parrot continued, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
*
*
FRANCE
“France announced today that it plans to ban fireworks at Euro Disney.
Reason: Last night’s display caused soldiers at a nearby French army garrison to surrender.”
*******************
“Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.” – Donald Rumsfeld –
Actually this was a Ross Perot quote during the first gulf war.
******************
If you want to get France involved in a war with Iraq, you must first convince them that Saddam is hiding fields of truffles. – Comedian on the Tonight Show
***********
Q: What do you call a group of 100,000 Frenchman with their hands in the air?
A: The French army, of course.”
Q: How many French men does it take to defend Paris?
A: Nobody knows since no Frenchman has ever tried.
Q: How do you stop a French tank?
A: By shooting the soldier pushing it.
Q: Why does the new French Navy have glass-bottom boats?
A: So they can see the old French Navy.
Q: How can you recognize a French veteran?
A: Sunburned armpits.
Q: What is a Frenchman with a sheep under one arm and a goat under the other arm? A: Bisexual.
Q: Did you hear about the old French rifles for sale on Ebay?
A: Never been fired, dropped only once.
Q: The French have just ordered a new national flag.
A: It’s a white cross on a white background
Q: Why do the French eat snails?
A: It gives them speedier reactions.
Q: How many gears in a French tank?
A: Six: five reverse and one forward, in case they are attacked from behind.
************
Jay Leno says it’s no surprise the French won’t help us get Saddam Hussein out of Iraq. They didn’t help us get Germany out of France, either. Still, it’s essential for them to join us in the war against Iraq. They can teach the Iraqis how to surrender.
************
In a rare show of bravery, a French soldier answered an order from his commanding officer and ran out on to the field of battle in the line of fire to retrieve a despatch case from a dead soldier and dashed back to his HQ.
The officer said: I’m recommending you for a medal for risking your life to save the details of the locations of our secret warehouses.
“Warehouses?”, said the soldier. “Sacré bleu! I thought you said whorehouses.”
***********
Jay Leno, a few summers ago:
“France is now being hit by an extreme heat-wave, so the French government is advising its citizens to “stay indoors and do nothing”. You know, like they did in WWII….”
*********
In 1966 upon being told that Charles DeGaulle had taken France out of NATO and that all U.S. Troops must be evacuated off of French soil President Lyndon Johnson told Secretary of State Dean Rusk: Ask him about the cemeteries Dean! So at end of the meeting Dean did ask DeGaulle if his order to remove all U.S. troops from French soil also included the 60,000+ soldiers buried in France from World War I and World War II.
DeGaulle never answered.
******************
Something to ponder:
You are the President of the United States. Scientists have discovered a meteor that is headed towards the earth. They have calculated that it will strike France in 2 days, at approximately 2:30 A.M. The meteor is large enough to completely wipe France from the face of the earth forever.
France and the United Nations have requested that the United States send all available ships and aircraft to help evacuate the country. Among the ships and planes you could be sending are many that are being used to fight the war on terror overseas. As the President, you must decide: Do you stay up late on the night of the impact to watch the coverage live, or tape it and watch it in the morning?
*
*
*
*
*
*
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal.� What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later.
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on “START”………….
*
*
Golf # !
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize.
“Please allow me to help. I’m a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you’d allow me,” she told him.
“Oh, no, I’ll be all right. I’ll be fine in a few minutes,” the man replied, still in pain, still in the fetal position, still clasping his hands together in his groin. But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked, “How does that feel?”
He replied, “It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!”
*
*
*
*
MARRIAGE ON HIS MIND
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates.
He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man.
She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.
As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000.
She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account.
She Tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs. Men are like that, you know.
*
*
CANADA, EH?
A recent study found that the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found that Canadians drink an average of 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 miles per gallon.
Now that’s something to brag about!
*
*
BUTT DUST
What, you ask, is “Butt dust?” Read on and you’ll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine . . . NO adult is this creative!
.
JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: “Mom, why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?”
MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn’t remember any more. Melanie said, “If you don’t remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six.”
STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom goodnight. “I love you so much, that when you die I’m going to bury you outside my bedroom window.”
BRITTANY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a chewable aspirin. She tried in vain to take the lid off the
bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a childproof cap and she’d have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: “How does it know it’s me?”
SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. “Please don’t give me this juice again,” she said, “It makes my teeth cough.”
D. J. (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: “How much do I cost?”
MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: “Why is he whispering in her mouth?”
CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, “I don’t know what’ll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?”
JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: “The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt. Concerned, James asked: “What happened to the flea?”
TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, “Why doesn’t your skin fit your face?”
The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget . . .
It was Sunday, and time for the Minister’s sermon. “Dear Lord,” he began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. “Without you, we are but dust.” He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter (who was listening!) leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, “Mom, what is butt dust?”
The most wasted day is that in which we have not laughed!
*
*
*
*
A HORSE, A CHICKEN & A HARLEY
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.
One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.
Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!
Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.
Running around, the chicken spied the farmer’s new Harley.
Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend’s life.
Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.
After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer’s bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!
Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.
The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.
A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!
The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle.
Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.
The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.
The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
“When You’re Hung Like A Horse, You Don’t Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks.”
*
*
*
*
*
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HOW YOU CAN HELP THE ECONOMY
“Most of us are stretching to make ends meet so we can’t spend more to help stimulate our economy but we can spend WISELY. Here is some helpful advice on how to best help the economy.
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, most of it will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline most of it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al Queda.
If you purchase a computer most of it will go to Taiwan.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car most of it will go to Japan and Korea.
If you purchase prescription drugs most of it will go to India.
If you purchase heroin most of it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan
If you give it to a charitable cause, you know it will go to Nigeria.
“And none of it will help our economy. We need to keep that money here. You can keep the money in our country by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball or hockey game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic only), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in North America.”
*
*
STUDENT OBTAINED 0% ON EXAM
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die?
* his last battle
Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
* at the bottom of the page
Q3. River Ravi flows in which state?
* liquid
Q4. What is the main reason for divorce?
* marriage
Q5. What is the main reason for failure?
* exams
Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast?
* Lunch & dinner
Q7. What looks like half an apple?
* The other half
Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
* It will simply become wet
Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ?
* No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
* You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ?
* Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
* No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
*
*
ETERNAL TRUTHS
>Once over the hill, you pick up speed.
>I love cooking with wine. Sometimes I even put it in the food.
>If it weren’t for STRESS I’d have no energy at all.
>Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
>Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
>I know God won’t give me more than I can handle. I just wish He didn’t trust me so much.
>Dogs have owners. Cats have staff.
>If the shoe fits……buy it in every color.
>If you’re too open minded, your brains will fall out.
>Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
>If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
>Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
>Some days are a total waste of makeup.
>Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
>A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
>Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
>Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
>Junk is something you’ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
>Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a mistake when you make it again.
>By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
*
*
*
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Cinderella At 75
Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.
One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother.
Cinderella said “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?”
The Fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?”
Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.”
Instantly, her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear.
Cinderella said, “Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother”. The Fairy Godmother replied “It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?”
Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: “I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again”. At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her.
Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke “You have one more wish, what shall you have?”
Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, “I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man”.
Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up, that when complete he stood before her, a man, so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen, so fair indeed that birds began to fall from the sky at his feet.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke, “Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life.”
And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone.
For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms.
He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered, “I bet you regret having me neutered now, don’t you?”
*
*
WINTER HUMOUR, EH?
A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in the long line of
judgment.
As he stood there he noticed that some souls were allowed to march right
through the pearly gates into Heaven. Others though, were led over to
Satan who threw them into the burning pit.
But every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan
would toss a soul off to one side into a small pile.
After watching Satan do this several times, the fellow’s curiosity got the
best of him. He strolled over and asked Satan what he was doing.
“Excuse me, Prince of Darkness,” he said: “I’m waiting in line for
judgment, but I couldn’t help wondering, why are you tossing those people
aside instead of flinging them into the Fires of Hell with the others?”
“Oh those” Satan groaned: “They’re all from Canada. They’re still too
cold and wet to burn.”
*
*
*
*
World History – WHAT THEY WON’T TEACH YOU, EH?
Humans existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunter/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during
the summer and would go to the coast and live onfish and
lobster in winter.
The two most important events in all of history were the
invention of beer and the invention of the wheel.
The wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the
foundations of modern civilization and together were the catalyst
for the division of humanity into two distinct subgroups:
Liberals and Conservatives.
Other sub groups trended to appear at times like the NDP and the
Greens but these were soon discovered as aberrations of the
Liberals and tended to die off prematurely.
Once beer was discovered it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor
aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early human
ancestors were sitting around waiting for them to be invented,
they just stayed close to the brewery. That’s how villages
were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to
B-B-Q at night while they were drinking beer. This was the
beginning of what is known as “the Conservative movement”.
Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned
to live off the Conservatives by showing up for the nightly
B-B-Q’s and doing the sewing, fetching and hair dressing.
This was the beginning of “the Liberal movement”. Some of these
liberal men eventually evolved into women. The rest became
known as ‘girlie-men.’
Some noteworthy Liberal achievements include the domestication
of cats, the invention of group therapy and group hugs and the
concept of democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat
and beer that the Conservatives provided.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food
are standard liberal fare.
Another interesting revolutionary side note: most of their
women have higher testosterone levels than their men. Most
social workers, personal injury lawyers, journalists, dreamers
in Hollywood and group therapists are liberals. Liberals invented
the designated multicultural rule because it wasn’t “fair”
to have a Canadian cultural identity.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat
and still provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game
hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers,
firemen, medical doctors, police officers, corporate
executives, athletes, soldiers, and generally anyone who works
productively. Conservatives who own companies hire other
conservatives who want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to “govern” the
producers and decide what to do with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Canadians.
That is why most of the liberals remained in Europe when
conservatives were coming to Canada. They crept in after the West
was settled and created a business of trying to get MORE for nothing.
Here ends today’s lesson in world history:
It should be noted that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to
leave an angry comment or assert that Conservatives are “scary”
and have a “hidden agenda”.
A Conservative will simply laugh and be so convinced
of the absolute truth of this history that “true believers” will be
confirmed in the supreme righteousness of Conservative thought.
While it may be true that these facts are mildly distorted,
I’ll bet you ended up with a smile, unless of course you are
from Ontario and always vote Liberal which tends to keep
Canada in a perpetual state of mediocrity.
*
*
A Drunk
A Drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring the customers!”
“I’m just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls.”
With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says……….You idiot! , you’re sitting on the mop bucket “
*
*
*
*
CAPE BRETON LOVE STORY
An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite biscuits wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs. With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen.
Were it not for death’s agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite biscuits.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Nova Scotian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a biscuit at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked by his wife with a wooden spoon ……“Hands off’ she said, ‘they’re for the funeral.’
*
*
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
There’s an annual contest at the University of Arkansas calling for the most appropriate definition of a contemporary term. This year’s term was: “Political Correctness.”
The winning student wrote:
“Political correctness is a doctrine — fostered by a delusional, illogical minority and rapidly promoted by an unscrupulous mainstream media — which holds forth the proposition that it is entirely possible to pick up a piece of shit by the clean end.”
*
*
One Wish
I met a fairy today who said she would grant me one wish.
“I want to live forever,” I said.
“Sorry,” said the fairy, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!”
“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their asses!”
“You crafty bastard,” said the fairy.
*
*
DOGS VS CATS
Excerpts from a Dog’s Diary:
8:00 am – Dog food! My favourite thing!
9:30 am – A car ride! My favourite thing!
9:40 am – A walk in the park! My favourite thing!
10:30 am – Got rubbed and petted! My favourite thing!
12:00 pm – Lunch! My favourite thing!
1:00 pm – Played in the yard! My favourite thing!
3:00 pm – Wagged my tail! My favourite thing!
5:00 pm – Milk bones! My favourite thing!
7:00 pm – Got to play ball! My favourite thing!
8:00 pm – Wow! Watched TV with the people! My favourite thing!
11:00 pm – Sleeping on the bed! My favourite thing!
.
.
Excerpts from a Cat’s Daily Diary:
Day 983 of my captivity.
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects.
They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry nuggets.
Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.
The only thing that keeps me going is my dream of escape. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today I decapitated a mouse and dropped its headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates what I am capable of. However, they merely made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am.
Bastards!
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
Today I was almost successful in an attempt to assassinate one of my tormentors by weaving around his feet as he was walking. I must try this again tomorrow — but at the top of the stairs.
I am convinced that the other prisoners here are flunkies and snitches. The dog receives special privileges. He is regularly released -and seems to be more than willing to return. He is obviously retarded. The bird has got to be an informant. I observe him communicate with the guards regularly. I am certain that he reports my every move. My captors have arranged protective custody for him in an elevated cell, so he is safe. For now…
*
*
EVERY MAN'S DREAM !!
*
*
Deserted Island Thoughts.
On a chain of beautiful islands in the middle of nowhere, the following people are stranded:
Two Italian men and one Italian woman
Two French men and one French woman
Two German men and one German woman
Two Greek men and one Greek woman
Two English men and one English woman
Two Bulgarian men and one Bulgarian woman
Two Japanese men and one Japanese woman
Two Chinese men and one Chinese woman
Two Irish men and one Irish woman
Two American men and one American woman
One month later, on these absolutely stunning deserted islands in the middle of nowhere, the following things have occurred:
-One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the Italian woman.
-The two French men and the French woman are living happily together in a ménage a trois.
-The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of alternating visits with the German woman.
-The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.
-The two English men are waiting for someone to introduce them to the English woman.
-The two Bulgarian men took one look at the Bulgarian woman and started swimming to another island.
-The two Japanese have faxed Tokyo and are awaiting instructions.
-The two Chinese have opened a convenience store, restaurant, laundry, and have gotten the woman pregnant in order to supply employees for their store.
-The two Irish men divided the island into north and south and set up a distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the picture because it gets somewhat Foggy after a few liters of coconut whiskey. However, they are satisfied because the English aren’t having any fun.
-The two American men are contemplating suicide, because the American woman will not shut up and complains relentlessly about her body, the true nature of feminism, what the sun is doing to her skin, how she can do anything better than they can, the necessity of fulfillment, the equal division of household chores, how sand and palm trees make her look fat, how her last boyfriend respected her opinion and treated her nicer than they do, how Her relationship with her mother is the root of all her problems, and why didn’t they bring a damn cell phone so she could call 911 and get them all rescued off this Godforsaken deserted island in the middle of freaking nowhere so she can get her nails done and go shopping.
*
*
CANCEL YOUR CREDIT CARD BEFORE YOU DIE
A lady died in January, and Citibank billed her for February and March for their annual service charges on her credit card, and added late fees and interest on the monthly charge. The balance had been $0.00 when she
died, but now somewhere around $60.00. A family member placed a call toCitibank. *
Here is the exchange:
Family Member: ‘I am calling to tell you she died back in January.’
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member: ‘Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.’
Citibank: ‘Since it is two months past due, it already has been.’
Family Member: So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?’
Citibank: ‘Either report her account to frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!’
Family Member: ‘Do you think God will be mad at her?’
Citibank: ‘Excuse me?’
Family Member: ‘Did you just get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?’
Citibank: ‘Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.’
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member: ‘I’m calling to tell you, she died back in January with a $0 balance.’
Citibank: ‘The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.’
Family Member: ‘You mean you want to collect from her estate?’
Citibank: (Stammer) ‘Are you her lawyer?’
Family Member: ‘No, I’m her great nephew.’ (Lawyer info was given)
Citibank: ‘Could you fax us a certificate of death?’
Family Member*: ‘Sure.’ (Fax number was given )
After they get the fax:
Citibank: ‘Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.’ *
Family Member: ‘Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.’
Citibank: ‘Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.’
(What is wrong with these people?!?)*
Family Member: ‘Would you like her new billing address?’*
Citibank: ‘That might help…’*
Family Member: ‘ Odessa Memorial Cemetery , Highway 129, Plot Number 69.’
Citibank: ‘Sir, that’s a cemetery!’
Family Member: ‘And what do you do with dead people on your planet???’
Priceless!! Have you wondered why Citi is going broke and needed a bail-out!!
*
*
*
*
THE BURNED OUT GYNECOLOGIST:
A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to change careers and became an auto mechanic.
He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently and learned all he could. When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with ease.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor saying, “I don’t want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wondered if there has been an error that needs adjusting?”
The instructor said, “During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly which is also worth 50% of the mark.”
The instructor went on, “I gave you the extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler.”
*
*
BUBBA’S FRIENDS
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, “You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.”
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, “OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise?”
“Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.”
So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise’s door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, “Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!”
Although impressed, Bubba’s boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise’s house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba’s knowing Cruise was just lucky.
“No, no, just name anyone else,” Bubba says.
“President Bush,” his boss quickly retorts.
“Yes,” Bubba says, “I know him, let’s fly out to Washington.”
And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, “Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let’s have a cup of coffee first and catch up.”
Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
“The Pope,” his boss replies. “Sure!” says Bubba. “I’ve known the Pope a long time.”
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, “This will never work. I can’t catch the Pope’s eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I’ll come out on the balcony with the Pope.” And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss’s side, Bubba asks him, “What happened?”
His boss looks up and says, “I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, ‘Who’s that on the balcony with Bubba?”
*
*
These are actual police officer quotes collected from numerous people stopped for moving traffic violations.
“If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
“The handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
“So, you don’t know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”
“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”
“No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”
“Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
“Life’s tough, it’s tougher if you’re stupid.”
“In God we trust, all others are suspects.”
*
*
GRAPHIC: dog pack eats alligator
*
*
You don’t have to own a cat to appreciate this one…
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard.
They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house.
They don’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit.
Waiting in the cab, the wife doesn’t want the driver to know the house will be empty for the night. She explains to the driver that her husband will be out soon. “He’s just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. “Sorry I took so long”, he says as they drive away. “Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!”
The cabdriver hit a parked car…
*
*
The Official Canadian Temperature Conversion Chart
50 Fahrenheit (10 C) Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens. (Manitobans sweat uncontrollably)
35 Fahrenheit (1.6 C) Italian cars won’t start. Canadians drive with the windows down. (Manitobans put on T-shirts)
32 Fahrenheit (0 C) American water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker. (Manitobans put studded carbides on flip-flops)
0 Fahrenheit (-17.9 C) New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season. (Manitobans still BBQ…the rest of Canada are wimps)
-60 Fahrenheit (-51 C) Mt. St. Helens freezes. Canadian Girl Guides sell cookies door-to-door. (Manitobans wear baseball hats and long sleeve shirts sitting on a log ice fishing)
-100 Fahrenheit (-73 C) Santa Clause abandons the North Pole. Canadians pull down their ear flaps. (Manitobans put on sox with their sneekers)
-173 Fahrenheit (-114 C) Ethyl alcohol Freezes. Canadians get frustrated when they can’t thaw the keg. (Manitobans snicker as they pull out their wineskins)
-460 Fahrenheit (-273 C) Absolute zero; all atomic motion stops. Canadians start saying ‘Cold eh?’ (Manitobans walk to work when their Ontario built car won’t start)
-500 Fahrenheit (-295 C) Hell freezes over. The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup.
*
*
VERY FUNNY FOR US WHO REMEMBER�
Hollywood�Squares:�
If you remember the Original Hollywood Squares and its comics, this may bring a tear to your eyes. These great questions and answers are from the days when ‘ Hollywood Squares’ game show responses were spontaneous, not scripted, as they are now. Peter Marshall was the host asking the questions, of course..�
Q.�Do female frogs croak?�
A. Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.�
Q.If you’re going to make a parachute jump, at least how high should you be?�
A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.�
Q.�True or False, a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.�
A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.�
Q.You’ve been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman?�
A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.�
Q.�According to Cosmopolitan, if you meet a stranger at a party and you�think that he is attractive, is it okay to come out and ask him if he’s married?
A. Rose Marie: No; wait until morning.�
Q.Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?�
A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.�
Q.�In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say ‘I Love You’?�
A. Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.�
Q.�What are ‘Do It,’ ‘I Can Help,’ and ‘I Can’t Get Enough’?�
A. George Gobel: I don’t know, but it’s coming from the next apartment.
Q.As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or les s with your hands while talking?�
A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.�
Q.�Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear leather?�
A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.�
Q.Charley, you’ve just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get any during the first year?�
A. Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.�
Q.�In bowling, what’s a perfect score?�
A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.�
Q.�It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps. One is politics, what is the other?�
A. Paul Lynde: Tape measures.�
Q.�During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?�
A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.�
Q.�Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?�
A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.�
Q.�When you pat a dog on its head he will wag his tail. What will a goose do?�
A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?�
Q.If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?�
A. Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.�
Q.�According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the habit of kissing a lot of people?�
A.. Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army.�
Q.�It is the most abused and neglected part of your body, what is it?�
A. Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused, but it certainly isn’t neglected.�
Q.Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head, what was he trying to do?�
A. George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.�
Q.�Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?�
A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?�
Q.When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for its sex?�
A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.�
Q.�Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they?�
A. Charley Weaver: His feet.�
Q.�According to Ann Landers, what are two things you should never do in bed?�
A. Paul Lynde: Point and laugh�
*
*
*
*
Going to Heaven!
Sam and Edith were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates, and there an escort was waiting to show them inside.
He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. And their favorite clothes hanging in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”
Sam asked how much all this was going to cost. “Why, nothing,” their companion replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
Sam looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever-built on Earth.
“What are the greens fees?” grumbled the old man.
“This is heaven,” the companion replied. “You can play for free, every day.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
“Don’t even ask,” said their companion to Sam. “This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.”
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at Edith. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked.
“That’s the best part,” the companion replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”
Sam pushed, “No gym to work out at?”
“Not unless you want to,” was the answer.
“No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…”
“Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.”
Sam glared at Edith and said, “You and your fu*@%ing bran muffins. We could have been here 15 years ago!!!
*
*
Catholic girls
A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are all in the heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, “Gloria, have you ever had contact with a penis?” She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched one with the tip of my finger . . .” St. Peter says, “Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates.”
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Catherine, have you ever had contact with a penis?” The girl is a little reluctant, but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.” St. Peter says, “OK. Dip your whole hand in the holy water and pass through the gate.”
All of the sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, “Lisa! What seems to be the rush?”
The girl replies, “Well, if I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Stephanie sticks her ass in it!”
*
*
*
*
THINGS AREN’T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR
A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the
plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant
explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted
to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.
Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind. The man
had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind
because her Seeing Eye dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front
of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the
pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, “Kathy, we are
in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and
stretch your legs?” The blind lady replied, “No thanks, but maybe my
dog would like to stretch his legs.”
Picture this:
All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when
they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a Seeing
Eye dog!
The pilot was even wearing sunglasses. People scattered. They not
only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change
airlines!
True story…. Have a great day and remember…
THINGS AREN’T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.
*
*
CANADIAN MEDICARE JOKE
An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses present asked him what happened.
Well,” said the American, “I remember the crash, and then there was a beautiful light, and then the Canadian and the Scot and I were standing at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter approached us and said that we were all too young to die, and said that for a donation of $50, we could return to earth. So of course I pulled out my wallet and gave him the $50, and the next thing I knew I was back here.”
“That’s amazing!” said the one of the doctors, “But what happened to the other two?”
Last I saw them,” replied the American, “the Scot was haggling over the price and the Canadian was waiting for the government to pay his.”
*
*
CBC Television is developing a Canadian version of “Survivor” the popular TV show.
The rules are simple:
Each contestant must travel to Alberta and go from Edmonton to Fort McMurray through High Level, Grand Prairie, Peace River, Hinton, Edson, Jasper, Banff, Red Deer, Calgary, Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, Brooks, Drumheller, Lloydminister and back to Edmonton again driving a Volvo with bumper sticker that reads:
I voted for Chretien, I’m Gay and I’m here to Take your Guns”.
The first to complete the round-trip alive is the winner.
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Very Interesting!
The next time you are washing your hands and complain
because the water temperature isn’t just how you like
it, think about how things used to be. Here are some
facts about the 1500s:
Most people got married in June because they took
their yearly bath in May, and still smelled pretty
good by June. However, they were starting to smell, so
brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body
odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet
when getting married.
Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.
The man of the house had the privilege of the nice
clean water, then all the other sons and men, then the
women and finally the children. Last of all
the babies. By then the water was so dirty you could
actually lose someone in it. Hence the saying, “Don’t
throw the baby out with the bath water.”
Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with
no wood underneath. It was the only place for animals
to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it rained it
became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip
and off the roof. Hence the saying “It’s raining cats
and dogs.”
There was nothing to stop things from falling into the
house. This posed a real problem in the bedroom where
bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice clean
bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over
the top afforded some protection. That’s how canopy
beds came into existence.
The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something
other than dirt. Hence the saying “dirt poor.” The
wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in
the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on
floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore
on, they added more thresh until when you opened the
door it would all start slipping outside. A piece of
wood was placed in the entranceway.
Hence the saying a “thresh hold.”
(Getting quite an education, aren’t you?)
In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a
big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every day
they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They
ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They
would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in
the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the
next day. Sometimes stew had food in it that had been
there for quite a while.
Hence the rhyme, “Peas porridge hot, peas porridge
cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel
quite special. When visitors came over, they would
hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of
wealth that a man could “bring home the bacon.” They
would cut off a little to share with guests and would
all sit around and “chew the fat.”
Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with
high acid content caused some of the lead to leach
onto the food, causing lead poisoning death. This
happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400
years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous
Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the
burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the middle,
and guests got the top, or “upper crust.”
Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The
combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for
a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would
take them for dead and prepare them for burial. They
were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of
days and the family would gather around and eat and
drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence
the custom of holding a “wake.”
England is old and small and the local folks started
running out of places to bury people. So they would
dig up coffins and would take the bones to a
“bone-house” and reuse the grave. When reopening these
coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have
scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had
been burying people alive. So they would tie a string
on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through
the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a
bell. Someone would have to sit out in the graveyard
all night (the “graveyard shift”) to listen for the
bell; thus, someone could be “saved by the
bell” or was considered a “dead ringer.”
And that’s the truth… Now, whoever said that History
was boring ! ! !
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Fishing
More Than Twenty Differences between Fishing and Sex
#20 – No matter how much whiskey you’ve had, you can still Fish.
#19 – A limp rod is still useful while Fishing.
#18 – You don’t have to hide your Fishing magazines.
#17 – It is perfectly acceptable to pay a professional to Fish with you once in a while.
#16 – The Ten Commandments don’t say anything against Fishing.
#15 – If your partner takes pictures or videotapes of you Fishing, you don’t have to worry about them showing up on the Internet if you become famous.
#14 – Your Fishing partner doesn’t get upset about people you Fished with long ago.
#13 – It’s perfectly respectable to Fish with a total stranger.
#12 – When you see a really good Fishing person, you don’t have to feel guilty about imagining the two of you Fishing together.
#11 – If your regular Fishing partner isn’t available, he/she won’t object if you Fish with someone else.
#10 – Nobody will ever tell you that you will go blind if you Fish by yourself.
#9 – When dealing with a Fishing pro, you never have to wonder if they are really an undercover cop.
#8 – You don’t have to go to a sleazy shop in a seedy neighborhood to buy Fishing stuff.
#7 – You can have a Fishing calendar on your wall at the office, tell Fishing jokes, and invite coworkers to Fish with you without getting sued for Fishing harassment.
#6 – There are no Fishing-transmitted diseases.
#5 – If you want to watch Fishing on television, you don’t have to subscribe to the Playboy channel.
#4 – Nobody expects you to Fish with the same partner for the rest of your life.
#3 – Nobody expects you to give up Fishing if your partner loses interest in it.
#2 – You don’t have to be a newlywed to plan a vacation primarily to enjoy your favorite activity.
#1 – Your Fishing partner will never say, “Not again? We just Fished last week! Is Fishing all you ever think about?”
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Do the Math, Baby
A man who knows his math writes:
I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver, who
cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing the driver to drive onto the shoulder to avoid hitting her.
This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and gave the woman the finger.
“Man, that guy is stupid,” I thought to myself. I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and here’s why:
I drive 48 miles each way every day to work. That’s 96 miles each day.
Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.
Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8 lane highway.
There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles.
That works out to 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.
Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure
I pass at least another 4000 cars.
That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day.
Statistically, females drive half of these.
That’s 18,000 women drivers!
In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS.
That’s 642.
According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as
dissatisfying or unrewarding.
That’s 449.
According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have
seriously considered suicide or homicide.
That’s 98.
And 34% describe men as their biggest problem.
That’s 33.
According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons and this number is increasing.
That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.
Give her the finger? I don’t think so.
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A Parable:
I was talking to a friend of mine’s little girl, and she said she wanted to be President some day.
Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, ‘If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?’
She replied, ‘I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.’
‘Wow – what a worthy goal.’ I told her, ‘You don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that. You can come over to my house and mow, pull weeds, and sweep my yard, and I’ll pay you $50. Then I’ll take you over to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out, and you can give him the $50 to use toward food or a new house.’
She thought that over for a few seconds because she’s only 6. And while her Mom glared at me, she looked me straight in the eye and asked, ‘Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over and do the work, and you can just pay him the $50?’
And I said, ‘Welcome to the Republican Party.’
Her parents still aren’t talking to me.
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God’s thoughts on lawns
GOD:
Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colours by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS;
It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers “weeds” and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD:
Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colourful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.
GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS:
You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.
ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them hauled away.
GOD:
No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?
ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD:
Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE:
“Dumb and Dumber”, Lord. It’s a story about….
GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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Stupid people
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, ” I’m Stupid”.
That way you wouldn’t rely on them, would you? You wouldn’t ask them anything. It would be like, “Excuse me… oops, never mind. I didn’t see your sign.”
It’s like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbour comes over and says “Hey, you moving?” “Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here’s your sign.”
A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes,
“Hey, y’all catch all them fish?”
“Nope talked ‘em into giving up. Here’s your sign.”
I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there’s only one way to test it. “Alright Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good… They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you.” “Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don’t wanna lose it.”
Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side of the road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, “Tire goes flat?” I couldn’t resist. Said, “Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here’s your sign.”
We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house; he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, “Darn that’s hot!” See? If he’d been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.
I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn’t you know I misjudged the height of a bridge? The truck got stuck and I couldn’t get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning… ok. No problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign…… until he asked “So, is your truck stuck?” I couldn’t help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said ….”no I’m delivering a bridge…here’s your sign.”
I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, “Are you still here?”
I replied, “No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here’s your sign.”
Anybody you know need a sign today?
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Old Virus Resurfaces!
It seems that there is a virus out there called the Senile Virus that even the most advanced anti-virus programs cannot take care of.
Symptoms of Senile Virus
1. Causes you to send same e-mail twice.
2. Causes you to send blank e-mail.
3. Causes you to send to wrong person.
4. Causes you to send back to person who sent it to you.
5. Causes you to forget to attach the attachment.
6. Causes you to hit “SEND” before you’ve finished the
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More Laws
Agnes Allen’s Law: Almost anything is easier to get into than out of.
Army Laws: If it moves, salute it. If it doesn’t move, pick it up. If you can’t pick it up, paint it.
Barth’s Distinction: There are two types of people: those who divide people into two types, and those who don’t.
Bartz’s Law of Hokey Horsepuckery: The more ridiculous a belief system, the higher the probability of its success.
Baruch’s Rule for Determining Old Age: Old age is always fifteen years older than I am.
Basic Law of Construction: Cut it large and kick it into place.
Becker’s Law: It is much harder to find a job than to keep one.
Benchley’s Law: Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn’t the work he is supposed to be doing at that moment.
Berra’s Law: You can observe a lot just by watching.
Bicycle Law: All bicycles weigh 50 pounds: A 30-pound bicycle needs a 20-pound lock and chain. A 40-pound bicycle needs a 10- pound lock and chain. A 50-pound bicycle needs no lock or chain.
Boling’s Postulate: If you’re feeling good, don’t worry. You’ll get over it.
Bombeck’s Rule of Medicine: Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Boren’s Laws of the Bureaucracy:
1 When in doubt, mumble.
2 When in trouble, delegate.
3 When in charge, ponder.
Borstelmann’s Rule: If everything seems to be coming your way, you’re probably in the wrong lane.
Bralek’s Rule for Success: Trust only those who stand to lose as much as you do when things go wrong.
Brien’s First Law: At some time in the life cycle of virtually every organization, its ability to succeed in spite of itself runs out.
Captain Penny’s Law: You can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time, but you can’t fool MOM.
Cardinal Conundrum: An optimist believes we live in the best of all possible worlds. A pessimist fears this is true.
Character and Appearance Law: People don’t change; they only become more so.
Clarke’s Law of Revolutionary Ideas: Every revolutionary idea — in Science, Politics, Art or Whatever — evokes three stages of reaction. They may be summed up by the three phrases:
1 “It is completely impossible — don’t waste my time.”
2 “It is possible, but it is not worth doing.”
3 “I said it was a good idea all along.”
Clarke’s Third Law: Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.
Cleveland’s Highway Law: Highways in the worst need of repair naturally have low traffic counts, which results in low priority for repair work.
Clyde’s Law: If you have something to do, and you put it off long enough, chances are someone else will do it for you.
Cohen’s Law of Wisdom: Wisdom is considered a sign of weakness by the powerful because a wise man can lead without power but only a powerful man can lead without wisdom.
Cole’s Axiom: The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
Cole’s Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.
Colvard’s Logical Premise: All probabilities are 50%. Either a thing will happen, or it won’t.
Commoner’s Three Laws of Ecology:
1 No action is without side- effects.
2 Nothing ever goes away.
3 There is no free lunch.
Cooper’s Law: All machines are amplifiers.
Dieter’s Law: The food that tastes the best has the highest number of calories.
Displaced Hassle Principle: To beat the bureaucracy, make your problem their problem.
Ducharm’s Axiom: If you view your problem closely enough, you will recognize yourself as part of the problem.
Dykstra’s Law: Everybody is somebody else’s weirdo.
Edelstein’s Advice: Don’t worry over what other people are thinking about you. They’re too busy worrying over what you are thinking about them.
Ehrlich’s Rule: The first rule of intelligent tinkering is to save all the parts.
Ettorre’s Observation: The other line moves faster. Corollary: Don’t try to change lines. The other line — the one you were in originally — will then move faster.
Farber’s Third Law: We’re all going down the same road in different directions
Finagle’s Laws of Information:
1 The information you have is not what you want.
2 The information you want is not what you need.
3 The information you need is not what you can obtain.
4 The information you can obtain costs more than you want to pay.
Finnigan’s Law: The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
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Technologically challenged
Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically
challenged, you “ain’t seen nuthin’” yet. This is an excerpt from a Wall Street Journal article:
1. Compaq is considering changing the command “Press Any Key” to “Press Return Key” because of the flood of calls asking where the “Any” key is.
2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.
3. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn’t get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the “Send” key.
4. Yet another, Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.
5. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was “Bad and an invalid.” The tech explained that the computer’s “bad command” and “invalid” responses…..shouldn’t be taken personally.
6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it “couldn’t find printer.” The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn’t “see” the printer.
7. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn’t get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, “I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens.” The “foot pedal” turned out to be the computer’s mouse.
8. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand new computer wouldn’t work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked, “What power switch?”
9. Another IBM customer had trouble installing software and rang for support. “I put in the first disk, and that was OK. It said to put in the second disk, and had some problems with the disk. When it said to put in the third disk, I couldn’t even fit it in…” The user hadn’t realized that “Insert Disk 2″ implied to remove Disk 1 first.
10. A story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:
CALLER: “Hello, is this Tech Support?”
TECH: “Yes, it is. How may I help you?”
CALLER: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
TECH: “I’m sorry, but did you say a cup holder?”
CALLER: “Yes, it’s attached to the front of my computer.”
TECH: “Please excuse me. If I seem a bit stumped, it’s because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotional at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?”
CALLER: “It came with my computer. I don’t know anything about a promotional. It just has ’4X’ on it.” At this point, the Tech Rep had to mute the caller because he couldn’t stand it. He was laughing too hard. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.
11. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was “running it under windows.” The woman responded, “No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine.”
12. TECH SUPPORT: “O.K. Bob, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen.
Now type the letter “P” to bring up the Program Manager.”
CUSTOMER: “I don’t have a ‘P’”.
TECH SUPPORT: “On your keyboard, Bob.”
CUSTOMER: “What do you mean?”
TECH SUPPORT: “‘P’ on your keyboard, Bob.”
CUSTOMER: “I ain’t! gonna to do that!”
13. And last but not least: NOT BLONDE and not exactly tech support, but. . . When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil.
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Blonde Hunters
Two blonde hunters were dragging their dead deer back to their car.
Another hunter approached pulling his along too. “Hey, I can tell you that it’s much easier if you drag the deer in the other direction. Then the antlers won’t dig into the ground.”
After he left, the two decided to try it.
A little while later one hunter said to the other, “You know, that guy was right. This is a lot easier!”
“Yeah,” the other added, “but we’re getting farther away from the truck”
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Woman Fishing
A couple goes on vacation to a fishing resort. The husband likes to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife likes to read.
One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a short nap. Although the wife isn’t familiar with the lake, she decided to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and continues to read her book.
Along comes the game warden in his boat.
He pulls up alongside her and says, “Good morning Ma’am, what are you doing?”
“Reading my book,” she replies, thinking “isn’t it obvious?”
“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.
“But officer, I’m not fishing. Can’t you see that?”
“Yes, but you have all the equipment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.
“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with rape,” says the woman.
“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.
“That’s true, but you do have all the equipment.”
MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.
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Eleven reasons why e-mail is like a penis:
11. Those who have it would be devastated if it was ever cut off.
10. Those who have it think that those who don’t are somehow inferior.
9. Those who don’t have it may agree that it’s neat, but think it’s not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
8. Many of those who don’t have it would like to try it, a phenomenon psychologists call “E-Mail Envy.”
7. It’s more fun when it’s up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
6. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that’s the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it mostly for fun.
5. If you don’t take proper precautions, it can spread viruses.
4. If you use it too much, you’ll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
3. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
2. If you’re not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble.
And the number One reason e-mail is like a penis:
1. If you play with it too much, you could go blind.
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Dedicated Hockey Fan
It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there.
“No,” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.”
“This is incredible”, said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for final game of the Stanley Cup playoffs and not use it?”
The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married in 1967.”
Oh … I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head, “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
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CANADIAN BEER JOKE #2
A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, “Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?”
I got it for my wife, eh.” answers Bob.
“Oh!” exclaims Doug, “Good trade.”
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WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?
JERRY FALWELL: Because the chicken was gay! Isn’t it obvious? Can’t you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the “other side.” That’s what “they” call it: the “other side.” Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And, if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like “the other side.” That chicken should not be free to cross the road. It’s as plain and simple as that.
PAT BUCHANAN: To steal a job from a decent, hardworking American.
DR. SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed, I’ve not been told!
ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die. In the rain.
MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
GRANDPA: In my day, we didn’t ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.
KARL MARX: It was a historical inevitability.
SARAH PALIN: What chicken?
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.
FOX MULDER (X-FILES): You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe it?
FREUD: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.
BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken 2010, which will not only cross roads, but also will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook. Internet explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.
EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken?
LOUIS FARRAKHAN: The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the “black man” in order to trample him and keep him down.
THE BIBLE: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, “Thou shalt cross the road.” And the chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
COLONEL SANDERS: I missed one?
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Happy Trails
On a transatlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm.
The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming, she stands up in the front of the plane. “I’m too young to die,” she wails.
Then she yells, “Well, if I’m going to die, I want my last minutes on earth
to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?”
For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril. They all stare, eyes riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.
Then a cowboy named Curtis from Edmonton Alberta stands up in the rear of the plane.
He is handsome: well built, with dark hair and powerful green eyes. He starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt. One button at a time.
No one moves. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest.
She gasps…
He whispers, “Iron this — and then get me a beer.”
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Getting a Canadian Passport
Dear Mr. Minister,
I’m in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Radio Shack has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a T.V. cable from them back in 1997, and yet the Federal Government is still asking me where I was born and on what date.
For crying out loud, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my social insurance card, it’s on all the income tax forms I’ve filed for the past 30 years, my health insurance card, my driver’s license, on the last eight bloody passports I’ve had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I’ve had to fill out before being allowed off the planes over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms that are done at election times.
Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother’s name is Maryanne, my father’s name is Robert and I’d be absolutely astounded if that will ever change between now and when I die!
I apologize, Mr. Minister. I’m really pissed off this morning. Between you an’ me, I’ve had enough! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my address. What is going on? You have a gang of Neanderthals workin’ there?! Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don’t want to dig up Yasser Araft, for crying out loud. I just want to go and park my butt on a sandy beach. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days?! If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, I’d sure as hell not want to tell anyone!
Well, I have to go now, ’cause I have to go to the other end of the city and get another copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of $60! Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day?? Nooooo, that’d be too easy and maybe make sense.
You’d rather have us running all over the place like chickens with our heads cut off, then find some asshole to confirm that it’s really me on the stupid picture – you know, the one where we’re not allowed to smile?! Hey, you know why we can’t smile? We’re ticked off!
Signed – An Irate Canadian Citizen
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Daffy Definitions
ADULT
A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR
A place where women curl up and dye.
CANNIBAL
Someone who is fed up with people.
CHICKENS
The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST
Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF
Cold Storage.
INFLATION
Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.
RAISIN
Grape with a sunburn.
SECRET
Something you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES
Something other people have. You and I have character lines.
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How to avoid the flu
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. Get plenty of exercise
because exercise helps build your immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead
of the elevator, etc. Wash your hands often. If you can’t wash
them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. Get lots of fresh air.
Open windows whenever possible. Get plenty of rest. Try to eliminate
as much stress from your life as you can.
OR
Take the doctor’s office approach. Think about it…When you go for
a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why?
Because alcohol kills germs.
So…….
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise )
I put lime in my Corona…(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh..(eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it…
If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can’t get you!!!!
My grandmother always said, “A shot in the glass is better than one
in the ass!”
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Haircut
A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.”
The guy left.
A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.”
The guy left.
A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and half.”
The guy left.
The barber turned to a friend and said, “Hey, Bill, do me a favor. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.”
A little while later, Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, “So where does that guy go when he leaves?”
Bill looked up, tears in his eyes and said, “Your house.”
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Definition of Politics
Son: “Dad, I have to do a special report for school. Can I ask you a question?”
Dad: “Sure son, what’s the question?”
Son: “What is POLITICS?”
Dad: “Well, let’s take our home as an example. I earn a salary, so let’s call me MANAGEMENT. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her GOVERNMENT. We take care of you and your needs, so let’s call you the PEOPLE. We’ll call the maid the WORKING CLASS and your baby brother the FUTURE. Do you understand?”
Son: “I’m not really sure, Dad. I’ll have to think about it.”
That night the boy was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. The boy want to see what was wrong. Discovering the baby had seriously soiled his diapers, the son went to his parent’s room and found his mother sound asleep. He then went to the maid’s room where, peeking through the keyhole, he saw his father in bed with the maid so the boy returned to his room and went back to sleep.
The next morning:
Son: “Dad, now I think I understand POLITICS.”
Dad: That’s great son. Explain it to me in your own words.”
Son: Well, Dad, while MANAGEMENT is screwing the WORKING CLASS, the GOVERNMENT is sound asleep, the PEOPLE are being completely ignored and the FUTURE is full of shit.
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Lucky Lady
An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president’s office.
The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit.
She placed her purse on his desk and replied, “$165,000″. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money.
The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, “What kind of bets?”
The elderly woman replied, “Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.”
The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the
President and said, “Would you like to take my bet?”
“Certainly”, replied the president. “I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.”
“Done”, the elderly woman answered. “But given the amount of money involved, if you don’t mind I would like to come back at 10 o’clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.”
“No problem”, said the president of the Bank confidently.
The next morning at exactly 10 o’clock the elderly woman arrived at the president’s office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president’s testicles were square.
The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige.
The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and
asked the president if she could touch them.
“Of course”, said the president. Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.”
The elderly woman did so with a little smile.
Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, “Oh, it’s probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o’clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!”
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Jackie Mason talks about Starbucks:
If I said to you, “I have a great idea for a business. I’ll open a whole new type of coffee shop.
Instead of charging 60 cents for coffee I’ll charge $2.50, $3.50, $4.50, and $5.50.
Not only that, I’ll have no tables, no chairs, no water, no free refills, no waiters, no busboys, serve it in cardboard cups, and have the customer clean it up for 20 minutes after they’re finished.”
Would you say to me, “That’s the greatest idea for a business I ever heard! We can open a chain of these all over the world!”
No, you would put me right into a sanitarium.
And it’s burnt coffee! It’s burnt coffee at Starbuck’s, let’s be honest about it.
If you get burnt coffee in a coffee shop, you call a cop. You say, “It’s the bottom of the pot.
I don’t drink from the bottom of the pot. But when it’s burnt at Starbuck’s, they say,
“Oh, it’s a special roast. It’s a special bean from Argentina…..” The bean is in your head!!! I know burnt!!!
You want coffee in a coffee shop, that’s 60 cents. But at Starbuck’s, if it’s Cafe Latte: $3.50. Cafe Creamier: $4.50. Caffe Suisse: $9.50. For each French word, another four dollars. Why does a little cream in coffee make it worth $3.50?
Go into any coffee shop; they’ll give you all the cream you want until you’re blue in the face.
Forty-million people are walking around in coffee shops with pitchers of cream:
“Here’s all the cream you want!” And it’s still 60 cents. You know why? Because it’s called “coffee.”
You want cinnamon in your coffee? Ask for cinnamon in a coffee shop; they’ll give you all the cinnamon you want.
Do they ask you for more money because it’s cinnamon?
It’s the same price for cinnamon in your coffee as for coffee without cinnamon – 60 cents, that’s it.
But not in Starbucks. Over there, it’s Cinnamonnier – $9.50.
You want a refill in a regular coffee shop, they’ll give you all the refills you want until you drop dead.
You can come in when you’re 27 and keep drinking coffee until you’re 98.
And they’ll start begging you: “Here, you want more coffee?”
Do you know that you can’t get a refill at Starbucks? A refill is a dollar fifty, two refills, $4.50. Three refills, $19.50. So, for four cups of coffee – $35.00.
And there’re no chairs in those Starbucks. Instead, they have these high stools.
You ever see these stools? You haven’t been on a chair that high since you were two.
Seventy-three year old Jews are climbing and climbing to get to the top of the chair.
And when they get to the top, they can’t even drink the coffee because there’s 12 people around one little table, and everybody’s saying, “Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me, excuse me…..
“Then they can’t get off the chair. Old Jews are begging Gentiles, “Mister, could you get me off this?”
Do you remember what a cafeteria was? In poor neighborhoods all over this country, they went to a cafeteria because there were no waiters and no service.
And so poor people could save money on a tip. Cafeterias didn’t have regular tables or chairs either.
They gave coffee to you in a cardboard cup. So because of that you paid less for the coffee. You got less, so you paid less.
It’s all the same at Starbucks – no chairs, no service, a cardboard cup for your coffee – except in Starbucks, the less you get, the more it costs.
By the time they give you nothing, it’s worth four times as much!
Am I exaggerating? Did you ever try to buy a cookie in Starbuck’s?
Buy a cookie in a regular coffee shop. You can tear down a building with that cookie.
And the whole cookie is 60 cents. At Starbuck’s, you’re going to have to hire a detective to find that cookie, and it’s $9.50.
And you can’t put butter on it because they want extra.
Do you know that if you buy a bagel, you pay extra for cream cheese in Starbuck’s? Cream cheese, another 60 Cents. A knife to put it on, 32 cents. If it reaches the bagel, 48 cents. That bagel costs you $3.12.
And they don’t give you the butter or the cream cheese. They don’t give it to you. They tell you where it is.
“Oh, you want butter? It’s over there. Cream cheese? Over here. Sugar? Sugar is here.”
Now you become your own waiter. You walk around with a tray.
“I’ll take the cookie. Where’s the butter? The butter’s here.
Where’s the cream cheese? The cream cheese is there.”
Then there’s a sign that says please clean it up when you’re finished.
You walked around for an hour and a half selecting items, and then the guy at the cash register has a glass in front of him that says “Tips.”
You’re waiting on tables for an hour, and you owe him money?
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Guts or Balls…
There is a medical distinction. We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:
GUTS – Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: ”Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”
BALLS – Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ”You’re next, fatty.”
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions. Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.
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George Carlin’s New Rules
New Rule: No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings. Now it’s for babies and new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn’t gift giving, it’s the white people version of looting.
New Rule: Stop giving me that pop-up ad for classmates.com! There’s a reason you don’t talk to people for 25 years. Because you don’t particularly like them! Besides, I already know what the captain of the football team is doing these days — mowing my lawn.
New Rule: Don’t eat anything that’s served to you out of a window unless you’re a seagull. People are acting all shocked that a human finger was found in a bowl of Wendy’s chili. Hey, it cost less than a dollar. What did you expect it to contain? Lobster?
New Rule: Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged . I have a better description for these kids: ‘Lucky bastards.’
New Rule: If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you’re a dope. If you’re a kid, the cards are keep sakes of your idols. If you’re a grown man, they’re pictures of men.
New Rule: Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here’s how much men care about your eyebrows: Do you have two of them? Good, we’re done.
New Rule: There’s no such thing as flavoured water. There’s a whole aisle of this crap at the supermarket, water, but, without that watery taste. Sorry, but flavoured water is called a soft drink. You want flavoured water? Pour some scotch over ice and let it melt. That’s your flavoured water.
New Rule: Stop screwing with old people. Target is introducing a redesigned pill bottle that’s square, with a bigger label. And the top is now the bottom. And by the time grandpa figures out how to open it, his ass will be in the morgue. Congratulations, Target, you just solved the Social Security crisis.
New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a ‘decaf grandee, half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n’-Low, and One NutraSweet,’ ooooh, you’re a huge asshole.
New Rule: I’m not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering My PIN, pressing ‘Enter,’ verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don’t want Cash back, and pressing ‘Enter’ again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.
New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn’t make you Spiritual. It’s right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to ‘beef with broccoli.’ The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to G-d you weren’t pregnant. You’re not spiritual. You’re just high.
New Rule: Competitive eating isn’t a sport. It’s one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN Recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What’s next, competitive farting?’
New Rule: I don’t need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I’m extra hungry for M&Ms, I’ll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: If you’re going to insist on making movies based on crappy old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what’s playing on the other screens. Let’s remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn’t good enough to be a movie.
New Rule: And this one is long overdue: No more bathroom attendants. After I zip up, some guy is offering me a towel and a mint like I just had sex with George Michael. I can’t even tell If he’s supposed to be there, or just some freak with a fetish. I don’t want to be on your webcam, Dude. I just want to wash my hands.
New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don’t need to hear ’27 months.’ ‘He’s two’ will do just fine. He’s not a cheese. And I didn’t really care in the first place.
New Rule: If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays better than Minimum wage, then for G-d’s sake don’t pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying, ‘Do you want fries with that?’
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Missing Wives
Two old guys are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide. The first old guy says to the second guy, “Sorry about that. I’m looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going.”
The second old guy says, “That’s OK, it’s a coincidence. I’m looking for my wife, too. I can’t find her and I’m getting a little desperate.”
The first old guy says, “Well, maybe I can help you find her. What does she look like?”
The second old guy says, “Well, she is 27 years old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?”
To which the first old guy says, “Doesn’t matter, — let’s look for yours.”
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No Refills
A distraught senior citizen phoned her doctor’s office.
“Is it true,” she wanted to know, “that the medication you prescribed has to be taken for the rest of my life?”
“Yes, I’m afraid so,” the doctor told her.
There was a moment of silence before the senior lady replied, “I’m wondering, then, just how serious is my condition because this prescription is marked ‘NO REFILLS’.”
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‘DEAR ABBY’ ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THESE.
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I’ve never seen a man go into or leave their apartment.
Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?
Dear Abby, I have a man I can’t trust. He cheats so much, I’m not even sure the baby I’m carrying is his.
Dear Abby, I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman who has been on the pill for two years. It’s getting expensive and I think my boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don’t know him well enough to discuss money with him.
Dear Abby, I’ve suspected that my husband has been fooling around, and when confronted with the evidence, he denied everything and said it would never happen again.
Dear Abby, Our son writes that he is taking Judo.
Why would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby, I joined the Navy to see the world. I’ve seen it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby, My forty year old son has been paying a psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years.
He must be crazy.
Dear Abby, I was married to Bill for three months and I didn’t know he drank until one night he came home sober.
Dear Abby, My mother is mean and short tempered.I think she is going through mental pause.
Dear Abby, You told some woman whose husband had lost all interest in sex to send him to a doctor.
Well, my husband lost all interest in sex and he is a doctor. Now what do I do?
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Man, Wife and a Cop
A man seeing flashing red and blue lights in his rear view mirror pulls to the side of the road. A minute or so after coming to a stop, a police officer approaches the car.
The man says, “What’s the problem officer?”
Officer: You were going 75 miles an hour in a 55 mile an hour zone. I’m afraid I’m going to have to ticket you.
Man: No sir, I was going a little over 60.
Wife: Oh, Harry. You were going at least 80! The man gives wife a dirty look.
Officer: I’m also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn’t know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you’ve known about that tail light for weeks!
The man gives his wife another a dirty look.
Officer: I’m also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh, Harry, you never wear your seat belt!
The Man turns to his wife and yells, “For cryin’ out loud, can’t you just shut up?!”
The officer turns to the woman and asks, “Ma’am, Does your husband talk to you this way all the time?”
Wife says, “No officer, only when he’s drunk.”
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THE LAWS OF ULTIMATE REALITY
Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.
Law of Gravity – Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner.
Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.
Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.
Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.
Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
Law of the Theater - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last.
The Starbucks Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
Murphy’s Law of Lockers - If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug.
Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance - If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.
Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. Don’t make an appointment and you’ll stay sick.
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BIKERS
A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink. Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!”
The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!”
The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing. The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!”
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says, “Go home Grandpa, you’re drunk”.
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GEOGRAPHY OF WOMEN
Between 18 and 22, a woman is like Africa: half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile soil.
Between 23 and 33, a woman is like Canada; well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.
Between 33 and 43, a woman is like India; very hot, relaxed, and convinced of her own beauty.
Between 43 and 50, a woman is like France; gently aging but still warm and a desirable place to visit.
Between 51 and 59, a woman is like Great Britain with a glorious and all conquering past.
Between 60 and 65, a woman is like Yugoslavia; lost the war and haunted by past mistakes.
Between 66 and 70, a woman is like Russia; very wide and borders are now unpatrolled.
After 70, she becomes Tibet; a mysterious past and the wisdom of the ages…. only those with an adventurous spirit and a thirst for spiritual knowledge visit there.
GEOGRAPHY OF MEN
Between 1 and 80, a man is like America – ruled by a dick.
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DEAF WIFE
A man feared his wife wasn’t hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.
Here’s what you do,” said the Doctor, “stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away, let’s see what happens.” Then in a normal tone he asks, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?”
No response.
So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
Again he gets no response.
So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. “Honey, what’s for dinner?” Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. “Honey, what’s for dinner?”
She said, “Ralph , for the FIFTH F *** ing ‘ time, CHICKEN!
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Scary Story from the Rock
This happened in a little town, Norris Arm, in Newfoundland, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it’s absolutely true.
Warning: Quit now if you have no stomach for ghost stories.
This guy was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night in the middle of a terrible rainstorm, and no cars were on the road. The storm was so strong the guy could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car come toward him and stop.
The guy, without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door and only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the wheel!
The car started to move very slowly.
The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way.
Petrified, he started to pray, begging for his life.
He had not come out of shock when, just before the car hit the curve, a hand suddenly appeared through the window and moved the steering wheel.
The guy, now paralyzed in terror, watched how the hand appeared every time the car was approaching a curve.
Finally, although terrified, the guy managed to open the door and jump out of the spooky car.
Without looking back, the guy ran through the storm all the way to the nearest town.
Soaking wet, exhausted and in a state of utter shock, the pale, visibly shaken guy, walked into a nearby bar and asked for two shots of Screech.
Then, still trembling with fright, he started telling everybody in the bar about the horrible experience he just went through with the spooky car with no driver and the mysterious hand that kept appearing.
Everyone in the bar listened in silence and became frightened, listening to this eerie story.
Hairs stood on end when they realized the guy was telling the truth because he was crying, and he definitely was not drunk!
About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same bar and one said to the other,
“Lard Thundern Jasus, me son, there’s the arsehole who got into the car while we were pushing it!”
*
*
*
*
Easter Explained
Three blondes died recently and found themselves standing before St. Peter.
He told them that before they could enter the Kingdom of Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter represented.
The first blonde, an American, said, “Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.”
And the show must go on and on and on
St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and sent her to Purgatory to study for her next test.
The second blonde, a Brit, said, “Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts.”
St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he also sent her to Purgatory.
The third blonde, a Canadian, said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said, “So, please tell me.”
She said, “Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish Festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with his disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder.”
St. Peter said, “Verrrrrry good.”
Then the blonde continued, “Now, every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey.”
*
*
Dad at the mall
I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes. We decided to
Grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next
to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?”
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response. “Got drunk once and screwed a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
*
*
California -160 years ago!
Do you know that 160 years ago 1850 California became a State.
At that time:
- The State had no electricity.
- The State had no money.
- Almost everyone spoke Spanish.
- There were gun fights in the streets.
So basically, it was just like California today except the women had real breasts and the men didn’t hold hands.
*
*
Take Your Kid to Work Day
*
*
Fire Fighters
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company’s secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone’s amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant….and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norske fire fighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film asking, “What are you going to do with all that money?”
“Vell,” said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, “da furst thing vedo is fix da brakes on dat foocking truck!”
*
*
A Teacher’s Workday
TEACHER: Maria, go to the map and find North America.
MARIA: Here it is.
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: Maria.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell “crocodile?”
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L”
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
_______________________________________________
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
__________________________________
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
_______________________________________
TEACHER: ; Millie, give me a sentence starting with “I.”
MILLIE: I is…
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, “I am.”
MILLIE: All right… “I am… the ninth letter of the alphabet.”
_________________________________
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the ax in his hand.
______________________________________
TEACHER: Now, Simon, tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on “My Dog” is exactly the same as your brother’s. Did you copy his?
CLYDE: No, teacher, it’s the same dog.
__________________ _________________
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher.
*
*
Paddy at the pub
Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of the
night celebrating Ireland’s draw with Germany.
Mick, the bartender says, “You’ll not be drinking anymore tonight, Paddy”.
Paddy replies “OK Mick, I’ll be on my way then.”
Paddy spins around on his stool and steps off. He falls flat on his face.
“Shite” he says and pulls himself up by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door and get some fresh air he’ll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe. He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels much better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat on his face. “I’m fockin’ focked,” he says.
He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and shimmies up the doorframe, opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says “No fockin’ way”.
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says “I can make it to the bed.” He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says “Fock it” and crawls into bed.
The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says, “Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night?”
Paddy says, “I did Jess. I was fockin’ pissed. But how’d you know?”
“Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub again.”
*
*
Dogs had better watch out !
*
*
SASKATCHEWANISMS
How do you know when you’re staying in a Moose Jaw hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, ‘I gotta leak in my sink,’ and the clerk replies, ‘Go ahead.’
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear that they have raised the minimum drinking age in Kindersley to 32?
It seems they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What do they call reruns of ‘Hee Haw’ in Saskatchewan?
Documentaries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Did you hear about the $3 million Saskatchewan Lottery?
The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A guy walks into a bar in Prince Albert and orders a mudslide. The bartender looks at the man and says, ‘You ain’t from ’round here are ya?
‘No,’ replies the man, ‘I’m from Winnipeg’.
The bartender looks at him and says, ‘Well, what do ya do in Winnipeg? ”I’m a taxidermist,’ said the man.
The bartender, looking very bewildered now, asks, ‘What in the world is a tax-e-derm-ist?
‘The man says, ‘I mount animals’. The bartender stands back and hollers to the whole bar…
‘It’s okay boys, he’s one of us’ !
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural Saskatchewan. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer’s field on the other side of a fence.
As the lawyer was climbing over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked what he was doing.
The litigator responded, ‘I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and I’m just going over to retrieve it.’
The old farmer replied, ‘This is my property, and you are not coming over.’
The indignant lawyer said, ‘Listen, I’m one of the best trial attorneys in Canada and, if you don’t let me get that duck, I’ll sue you and take everything you own.’
The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Apparently, you don’t know how we settle disputes in Saskatchewan. We settle small disagreements like this with the ‘SaskatchewanThree Kick Rule’.’
The lawyer asked, ‘What’s the ‘Saskatchewan Three Kick Rule’?!?’
The Farmer replied, ‘Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, first I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up.’
The attorney quickly thought about this rule and decided that he could easily take the old codger. So he agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer’s groin and dropped him to his knees. His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer’s last meal gushing from his mouth. The barrister was on all fours when the farmer’s third kick to his rear-end sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and managed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, ‘Okay, you old coot. Now it’s my turn.’
The old farmer smiled and said, ‘Naw, I give up. You can have the duck.”
*
*
THE CANADIAN OIL SHORTAGE
A lot of folks can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage in Canada
Well, there’s a very simple answer.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn’t know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in Alberta, Newfoundland, Saskatchewan and B.C.
Our DIPSTICKS are located in Ottawa, Ontario.
*
*
CANADIAN BEER JOKE
After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.
The guy from Corona sits down and says, “Hey Senor, I would like the world’s best beer, a Corona.” The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.
The guy from Budweiser says, “I’d like the best beer in the world, give me ‘The King Of Beers’, a Budweiser.” The bartender gives him one.
The guy from Coors says, “I’d like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.” He gets it.
The guy from Molson sits down and says, “Give me a Coke.” The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, “Why aren’t you drinking a Molson’s?”
The Molson president replies, “Well, I figured if you guys aren’t drinking beer, neither would I.”
*
*
Keyboard key we'd want
*
*
Blind man
A blind man enters a Lesbian Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a
barstool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells
to the bartender, “Hey, you want to hear a blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky, voice
the woman next to him says, “Before you tell that joke, Sir, I think it is
just fair – given that you are blind – that you should know five things:
1. – The bartender is a blonde girl.
2. – The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. – I’m a 6 ft tall, 200 lb blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. – The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a professional weightlifter.
5. – The lady to your right is a blonde and is a professional wrestler.
Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
“Nah ……. not if I’m going to have to explain it five times.”
*
*
Know Your Shit
The most functional word in the English language is… Shit. That’s right, shit! Consider this:
You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains. With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or, decide to shit or get off the pot.
You can smoke shit, buy shit, sell shit, lose shit, find shit, forget shit, and tell others to eat shit and die. Some people know their shit, while others can’t tell the difference between shit and Shinola.
There are lucky shits, dumb shits, crazy shits and sweet shits.
There is bull shit, horse shit and chicken shit. You can throw shit, sling shit, catch shit, shoot the shit, or duck when shit hits the fan.
You can give a shit or serve shit on a shingle. You can find yourself in deep shit or be happier than a pig in shit. Some days are colder than shit, some days are hotter than shit and some days are just plain shitty.
Some music sounds like shit, things can look like shit, and there are times when you feel like shit. You can have too much shit, not enough shit, the right shit, the wrong shit or a lot of weird shit.
You can carry shit, have a mountain of shit, or find yourself up shit creek without a paddle. Sometimes everything you touch turns to shit and other times you can fall in shit and come up smelling like a rose.
When you stop to consider all the facts, it’s the basic building block of life. And remember, once you know your shit, you don’t need to know anything else.
Pass this along—if you give a shit.
*
*
Jackass
Father O’Malley rose from his bed. It was a fine spring day in his new Washington, DC parish.
He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead in the middle of his front lawn. He promptly called the US Senate for assistance
.
The conversation went like this. “Good morning. This is Senator Kerry. How might I help you?
“And the best of the day te yerself. This is Father O’Malley at St. Brigid’s. There ‘s a jackass lying dead in me front lawn. Would ye be so kind as to send a couple o’yer lads to take care of the matter?”
Now Senator Kerry, considering himself to be quite a wit, replied with a smirk, “Well now father, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!”
There was dead silence on the line for a long moment. Father O’Malley then replied.
“Aye, that’s certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin.”
*
*
I AM CANADIAN
I am in the minority in Calgary, Vancouver, Toronto and every casino in this country.
I was born in the forties, fifties, sixties or seventies yet, I am somehow responsible for some First Nations people being screwed out of their land in the 1700′s!
I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.
I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seat belt.
All the money I make until mid-July must go to paying taxes.
I live and work among people who believe Americans are ignorant…. These same people cannot name this country’s new territory.
*
*
What Sheep Dogs Do When They're Bored
Blonde Genies
A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp
partially buried in the sand.
He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted
three wishes.
The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he’s in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women.
He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100.00 bills.
Then, there’s a knock at the door.
He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.
They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead.
The Klansmen walk off.
As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it’s the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one:
“Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire, but to be hung like a black man is beyond me.”
*
*
Another blonde
A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. “Would you mind telling me, Doctor,” she asked, “how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?”
“Nothing is easier,” he replied. “You ask him a simple question which everyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track.”
“What sort of question?”
“Well, you might ask him, ‘Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?’
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, “You wouldn’t happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don’t know much about history.”
*
*
Bubba dies in a fire
Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.
Cooter arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet,
Cooter said, ‘Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Cooter said, ‘Nope, ain’t Bubba.’
The mortician thought this was rather strange. So he brought Gomer in to confirm the identity of the body.
Gomer looked at the body and said, ‘Yup, he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.’
The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, ‘No, it ain’t Bubba.’ The mortician asked, ‘How can you tell?’
Gomer said, ‘Well, Bubba had two assholes.’
‘What? He had two assholes?’ asked the mortician.
‘Yup, we never seen ‘em, but everybody used to say, ‘There’s Bubba with them two assholes.’
*
*
*
*
Marketing explanations
People have often ask for an explanation of Marketing. Perhaps the
following analogies will help clear it up.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.”
- That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a handsome guy. One of your friends goes up to him and pointing at you says, “She’s fantastic in bed.”
- That’s Advertising.
You see a handsome guy at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, “Hi, I’m fantastic in bed.
- That’s Telemarketing.
You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You get up and straighten your dress. You walk up to him and pour him a drink. You say, “May I,” and reach up to straighten his tie brushing your breast lightly against his arm, and then say, “By the way, I’m fantastic in bed.”
- That’s Public Relations.
You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. He walks up to you and says, “I hear you’re fantastic in bed.”
- That’s Brand Recognition.
You’re at a party and see a handsome guy. You talk him into going home with your friend.
- That’s a Sales Rep.
Your friend can’t satisfy him so he calls you.
- That’s Tech Support.
You’re on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome men in all these houses you’re passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated toward the center and shout at the top of your lungs, “I’m fantastic in bed.”
- That’s Spam.
You hear about girls like this but never meet one.
- That’s False Advertising.
*
*
MY GOLDFISH DIED
Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbor Tom peered over the fence. Interested in what the youngster was up to, he asked in his friendliest way, “What are you up to, Nancy?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor commented, “That’s an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Nancy patted down the last heap of earth and then replied, “That’s because he’s inside your cat.”
*
*
Bible from the Mouths of Kids
Pay special attention to the wording and spelling. If you know the Bible even a little, you’ll find these responses hilarious. Kids were asked questions about the Old and New Testaments. The following statements were written by children and have not been corrected.
1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS. GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.
2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH’S WIFE WAS JOAN OF ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.
3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE DURING THE NIGHT.
4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.
5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL LIKE DELILAH.
6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.
7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .
8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENT S.
9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.
10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.
11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA . THEN JOSHUA LED THE HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.
12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.
13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.
14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES
15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.
16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS IN THE MANAGER.
17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.
18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.
19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.
20. IT WAS A MIRICLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE. DECIBELS.
22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.
23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.
24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.
25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.
*
*
Only in Winter
*
Casino blonde
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table.
A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrived ….and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless.”
With that, she stripped to the waist; rolled the dice; and yelled, “Come on,baby….Southern Girl needs new clothes!”
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up-and-down….and squealed… “YES! YES!
I WON! I WON!”
She hugged each of the dealers…and then picked up her winnings and her clothes, and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumfounded. Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?”
The other answered, “I don’t know… I thought you were watching.”
Moral -
Not all Southerners are stupid.
Not all blondes are dumb.
But all men…..are men.
*
*
Cabbie picks up a Nun
Cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY
handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend
you”.
She answers, ” My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am
and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask
that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to
be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”
“OK,” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker
blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and
I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween
party.”
*
*
Spend your money wisely
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your money wisely:
If you spend that money at Wal-Mart, all the money will go to China.
If you spend it on gasoline it will go to Hugo Chavez, the Arabs and Al Queda
If you purchase a computer it will go to Taiwan.
If you purchase fruit and vegetables it will go to Mexico, Honduras, and Guatemala (unless you buy organic).
If you buy a car it will go to Japan and Korea.
If you purchase prescription drugs it will go to India
If you purchase heroin it will go to the Taliban in Afghanistan
If you give it to a charitable cause, it will go to Nigeria.
And none of it will help our economy. We need to keep that money here in our country. You can keep the money here by spending it at yard sales, going to a baseball or hockey game, or spend it on prostitutes, beer (domestic only), or tattoos, since those are the only businesses still in the country.
*
*
Christmas Rum Cake Recipe
Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Christmas Rum Cake recipe so here goes: Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!
1 cup Sugar
1 tsp. Baking Powder
1 cup Water
1 tsp. Salt
1 cup Brown Sugar
Lemon Juice
4 Large Eggs
Nuts
1 Bottle Rum
2 cups Dried Fruit
Sample the Rum to check quality. Take a large bowl; check the Rum again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Repeat. Turn on the electric mixer. Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl. Add 1 teaspoon of sugar. Beat again. At this point, it is best to make sure the Rum is still OK. Try another cup just in case. Turn off the mixerer thingy. Break 2 eegs and add to the bowl and chuck iin the cup of dried fruit. Pick the fruit up off the floor. Mix on the turner. If the fried druit getas stuck in the beaterers, just pry it loose with a drewscriver. Sample the Rum to test for tonsisticity. Next, sift 2 cups of salt, or something. Check the Rum. Now shift the lemon ice strain your nuts. Add one table. Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find. Greash the oven. Turn the cake tin 360 s and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner. Finally, throw the bowl through the window. Finish the Rum and wipe the counter with the cat.
Cherry Mristmas
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Living Will
Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
“I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
She got up, unplugged the TV and then threw out my beer.
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Male Rules
We always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are “Their” rules.
1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up; you need it down. You don’t hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
2. Sundays = Sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
3. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
4. Crying is blackmail.
5. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it.
6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
7. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
8. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
9. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
10. If you don’t dress like Victoria Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
11. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us.
12. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad, we meant the other one.
13. If you already know best how to do it, just do it.
14. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
15. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we.
16. ALL men see only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkins are also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
17. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
18. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
19. If you ask a question you don’t want the answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
20. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
21. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation, monster trucks, etc.
22. You have enough clothes.
23. You have too many shoes.
24. I am in shape, round is a shape.
25. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know that men really don’t mind that. It’s like camping.
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Worth an English Laugh
Two English businessmen in London were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store. As yet, the store wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, ‘I bet any minute now some idiot tourist is going to walk by, put his face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.’
No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious Irishman walked to the window, had a peek in, and in a thick Irish accent asked ‘What might ye be sellin’ here?’
One of the men replied sarcastically, ‘We’re selling assholes.’
Without skipping a beat, the Irishman said, ‘Well then, it looks like you’re doin’ quite well… only two left!’
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Clever Paint Job
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Bear Remover
A man wakes up one morning in Alaska to find a bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for ‘Bear Removers’.
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he’ll b over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He’s got ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
‘What are you going to do?’ the homeowner asks.
‘I’m going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles, and not let go.
The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage, in the back of the van.’ Then he hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
‘What’s the shotgun for?’ asks the homeowner.
‘If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog.’
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Blond in a Blizzard
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.
She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation
.
Finally she remembered her daddy’s advice, that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.
That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift. This made her feel much better and, sure enough, in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow, she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After quite some time had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snow plow stopped.
The driver got out, came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window. The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was alright, as she had been following him for a long time.
She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy’s advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was OK with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Zellers parking lot and was going over to plow the Canadian Tire parking lot next.
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A city girl marries a Colorado rancher.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
“The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2×4 just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?”
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one right here.”
The man, assuming he is dealing with an airhead blonde, asks, “Tell me lady, ’cause I’m dying to know; how would YOU know this is the cow to be bred?”
“That’s simple. By the nail over its stall,” Amy explains very confidently.
Laughing rudely at her, the man says, “And what, pray tell, is the nail for?”
The blonde turns to walk away and says sweetly over her shoulder, “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”
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Good Answer
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company’s fancy lawyer was questioning Clyde.
“Didn’t you say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine,’?” asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, “Well, I’ll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite mule, Bessie, into the…”
“I didn’t ask for any details”, the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, ‘I’m fine!’?”
Clyde said, “Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road….”
The lawyer interrupted again and said, “Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde ‘s answer and said to the lawyer, “I’d like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie”.
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded.
“Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn’t want to move. However, I could hear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, “How are you feeling?”
“Now what the F*** would you say?
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Bear Alert
“Put this bell on your pack.”
The odd-sounding order came from my guide, a lifelong mountaineer and expert tracker who (and I’m not making this up) answered to the nickname, Buck.
This took place several years ago. I’d been in the area several times, but my companions felt compelled to have me attach one of the little noisemakers to my backpack, and I obliged.
Buck continued to speak, as we got ready to move out.
“It helps to take precautions,” he said. “Also, make sure to carry pepper spray in case you meet a grizzly bear unexpectedly.”
As we started to walk, Buck cautioned me to “watch out for signs that grizzlies are in the area – like fresh bear [droppings].”
“How will I know when I see it?” I asked
“Because,” Buck noted with a wry smile, “it’ll smell like pepper and have lots of small bells in it.”
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Bank Robber
A man walks into a bank, gets in line and when it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank!
Just to make sure he leaves no witnesses, he turns around and asks the next customer in line. ‘Did you see me rob this bank?’
The customer replies, ‘Yes!’
The bank robber raises his gun, points it to the customer’s head and BANG !!! Shoots him in the head and kills him!
He quickly moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, ‘Did you see me rob this bank?’
The man calmly responds …’No, but my wife did!’
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HOW TO IDENTIFY WHERE A DRIVER IS FROM
1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: MONTREAL
2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window: TORONTO
3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic: OTTAWA
4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, cradling cellphone, balancing Tim Horton’s coffee on knee, foot solidly on accelerator: CALGARY
5. One hand on wheel, one hand on non-fat double decaf cappuccino, cradling
cell phone, brick on accelerator, gun on lap: LOS ANGELES
6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: SASKATOON, but driving in TORONTO
7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in the back seat: QUEBEC CITY
8. One hand on 12 oz. double shot latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game, banging head on steering wheel while stuck in traffic: VANCOUVER
9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the brake and both feet on the accelerator throwing McDonald’s bag out the window: RED DEER
10. Four wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on the floor, raccoon tails attached to the antenna: PRINCE GEORGE
11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield driving 40 km/hr on Hwy 1 in the left lane with the left blinker on: VICTORIA
12. One ski-doo mitt on steering wheel, one ski-doo mitt scraper in hand out front window scraping frost, Guess Who on the 8 track playing Share The Land, hockey equipment smelling up car interior, waiting at lights for snow removal equipment to finish clearing intersection: WINNIPEG
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Balcony Sex
Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their ten year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. “There’s a car being towed from the parking lot,” he said.
“An ambulance just drove by.
A few moments passed. “Looks like the Andersons have company,” he called out, “Matt’s riding a new bike and the Andersons are having sex.”
Mom and Dad shot up in bed. “How do you know that?” the startled father asked.
“Their kid is standing out on the balcony too,” his son replied.
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Dear Grand-daughter:
The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a “Honk if you love Jesus” bumper sticker.
I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting. So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.
Boy, am I glad I did, what an uplifting experience that followed. I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn’t notice that the light had changed. It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn’t honked, I’d never have noticed. I found that lots of people love Jesus!
While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, for the love of God! Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!
What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!
Everyone started honking! I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people. I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love!
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach. I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant. He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.
Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.
My grandson burst out laughing. Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!
A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.
So, I waved at all my brothers and sisters grinning, and drove on through the intersection. I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.
So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away.
Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!
Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma
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Bacon and Eggs and ……………….
A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores. “Not yet,” said the little boy. His mother tells him no breakfast until
he does his chores.
Well, he’s a little upset, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig.
He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.
“How come I don’t get any eggs and bacon? Why don’t I have any milk in my cereal?” he asks.
“Well,” his mother says, “I saw you kick a chicken, so you don’t get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don’t get any bacon for a week either. I also saw you kick the cow, so for a week you aren’t getting any milk.”
Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen. The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, “Are you going to tell him, or should I?”
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Women Drivers!
Driving into the city this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new red Mustang doing 75 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on eyeliner.
I looked away for a couple seconds shaking my head in disbelief and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her darn makeup!
Well, it scared me so bad that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the doughnut right out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car out using my knees against the steering wheel, I knocked my cell phone away from my other ear, which fell into the coffee mug between my legs and making me scream in pain and DISCONNECTING A VERY IMPORTANT CALL!
DANG CRAZY WOMEN DRIVERS!
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Managerium
The heaviest element known to science is Managerium.
This element has no protons or electrons, but has a nucleus composed of 1 neutron, 2 vice-neutrons, 5 junior vice-neutrons, 25 assistant vice-neutrons, and 125 junior assistant vice-neutrons all going round in circles.
Managerium has a half-life of three years, at which time it does not decay but institutes a series of reviews leading to reorganization.
Its molecules are held together by means of the exchange of tiny particles known as morons.
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Letter from Saskatchewan
Dearest Son,
I’m writing this slow because I know you can’t read fast.
We don’t live where we did when you left home. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn’t have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I’m not sure about it though. I put a load of clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven’t seen them since.
The weather isn’t bad here. It only rained twice last week; the first time for three days and the second time for four days.
Auntie Maude has sent you a pair of socks she knit. She put a third one in because she heard you have grown another foot since she last saw you.
Jimmy locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven’t found out what it is yet so I don’t know if you are an aunt or an uncle. The baby looks just like your brother.
Uncle Bobby fell into a screech vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn’t get the tailgate down.
There isn’t much more news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened.
Your Favourite Aunt,
Mom
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At the Cemetery
Dear Diary:
I’m a self-taught bagpiper and I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man who had no family or friends. The funeral was to be held at a cemetery in the remote countryside outside a small town and this man would be the first to be laid to rest there.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods area, I became lost and being a typical man, did not stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late. I saw the backhoe and the crew who were eating lunch but the hearse was nowhere in sight. I apologized to the workers for my tardiness and stepped to the side of the open grave where I saw the vault lid already in place.
I assured the workers I would not hold them up for long but this was the proper thing to do. The workers gathered around, still eating their lunch. I played out my heart and soul. As I played, the workers began to weep.
I played and I played like I’d never played before, from ‘Going Home’ and ‘The Lord is My Shepherd’ to ‘Flowers of the Forest’. I closed the lengthy session with ‘Amazing Grace’ and walked to my car.
As I was opening the door and taking off my coat, I overheard one of the workers saying to another, “Lard Sweet Jazus, Mary ‘n Joseph and the wee donkey, I have never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.
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Zen of Sarcasm
01. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
02. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
03. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
04. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.
05. Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
06. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
07. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.
08. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
09. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
11. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.
12. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
13. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.
14. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
15. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
16. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
17. Duct tape is like ‘The Force’. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
18. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works .
19. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
20. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
21. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
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HAVE A POLITICALLY CORRECT INTERVAL
The standard ‘Merry Christmas & Happy New Year’, after it has been redesigned by our
Investment Committee, passed the Socially Responsible Investment filter, been cleared by Compliance and carries the benefit of input from Legal Counsel:
“Best wishes for an environmentally conscious, socially responsible, low stress,
non-addictive, gender and carbon neutral, winter solstice holiday, practiced within
the most joyous traditions of the religious persuasion of your choice, but with
respect for the religious persuasion of others who choose to practice their own
religion as well as those who choose not to practice any religion at all; plus, a
fairly taxed, fiscally successful, personally fulfilling, and medically
uncomplicated recognition of the generally accepted calendar year, but not
without due respect for the calendars of choice of the other cultures whose
contributions have helped make our society great, without regard to the race,
creed, color, religious, or sexual preference of the wishees.”
Disclaimer: This greeting is subject to clarification or withdrawal. It implies no
promise by the wisher to actually implement any of the wishes for him/herself or others
and no responsibility for any unintended emotional stress these greetings may bring to
those not caught up in the holiday spirit.
[PUBLISHED BY INSTITUTIONAL ADVISORS, THURSDAY, DECEMBER 13, 2007]
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Eighty Year Old Man
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said, “Things are great and I’ve never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?”
The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began, “I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off to go hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.
As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver at the water’s edge. He realized he’d left his gun at home and so he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went ‘BANG, BANG’.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead.
Now, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.
The 80-year-old said, “If you ask me, I’d say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
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ARE YOU A LIBERAL, A CONSERVATIVE OR AN ALBERTAN?
Here is a little test that will help you decide.
The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You’re walking down a deserted street with your wife and
two small children. Suddenly, an islamic terrorist with a huge
knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams
obscenities, praises allah, raises the knife, and charges at
you. You are carrying a Glock .40 caliber, and you are an expert
shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your
family. What do you do?
……………………………………………………….
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN
Liberal Answer:
Well, that’s not enough information to answer the
question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed?
Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire
him to attack?
Could we run away?
What does my wife think?
What about the kids?
Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his hand?
What does the law say
about this situation?
Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind
of message does this send to society and to my children?
Is it possible he’d be happy with just killing ME?
Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be
content just to wound me?
If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my
family get away while he was stabbing me?
Should I call 9-1-1 ?
Why is this street so deserted?
We need to raise taxes, have paint and weed day and
make this happier, healthier street that would
discourage such behaviour.
This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with
some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
……………………………………………………
Conservative’s Answer:
BANG!
…………………………………………………….
Albertan’s Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! Click….. (Sounds of reloading)
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG!
Daughter: “Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the
Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?”
Son: “Can I shoot the next one!”
Wife: “You’re not taking THAT to the Taxidermist!”
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WOMEN & SHOPPING
A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50 percent when her cell phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman asked the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she’d be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to hit a couple of more shops on the way to the hospital.
She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a slice of yummy chocolate cake, compliments of the last shop. She was jubilant.
Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her husband’s condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, ‘You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn’t you!? I hope you’re proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It’s just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And taking care of him will now be your career!’
The woman was feeling so overwhelmed with guilt she broke down and began sobbing.
The lady doctor then chuckled and said, ‘I’m just pulling your leg. He’s dead. Show me what you bought.’
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DRAFTING MEN OVER 60
I am over 60 and the Armed Forces thinks I’m too old to track down terrorists. You can’t be older than 42 to join the military. They’ve got the whole thing ass-backwards. Instead of sending 18-year olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys. You shouldn’t be able to join a military unit until you’re at least 35.
For starters: Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more than 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.
Young guys haven’t lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. ‘My back hurts! I can’t sleep, I’m tired and hungry’ We are impatient and maybe letting us kill some asshole that desperately deserves it will make us feel better and shut us up for a while.
An 18-year-old doesn’t even like to get up before 10 a..m. Old guys always get up early to pee so what the hell. Besides, like I said, ‘I’m tired and can’t sleep and since I’m already up, I may as well be up killing some fanatical son-of-a-bitch.
If captured we couldn’t spill the beans because we’d forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.
Boot camp would be easier for old guys.. We’re used to getting screamed and yelled at and we’re used to soft food. We’ve also developed an appreciation for guns. We’ve been using them for years as an excuse to get out of the house, away from the screaming and yelling.
They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I’ve been in combat and didn’t see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training.
Actually, the running part is kind of a waste of energy, too. I’ve never seen anyone outrun a bullet.
An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He’s still learning to shave, to start up a conversation with a pretty girl. He still hasn’t figured out that a baseball cap has a brim to shade his eyes, not the back of his head.
These are all great reasons to keep our kids at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off into harm’s way..
Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten coward terrorists. The last thing an enemy would want to see is a couple of million pissed off old farts with attitudes and automatic weapons who know that their best years are already behind them.
How about recruiting Women over 50 ….in menopause! You think Men have attitudes! Ohhhhhh my God! If nothing else, put them on border patrol… They’ll have it secured the first night!
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BEER, FISHING, SEX and GOLF
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, “If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?”
“No, I had to stop drinking years ago,” the homeless man replied.
“Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?” the man asked.
“No, I don’t waste time fishing,” the homeless man said. “I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive.”
“Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?” the man asked.
“Are you NUTS!” replied the homeless man.. “I haven’t played golf in 20 years!”
“Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?” the man asked.
“What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?” exclaimed the homeless man.
“Well,” said the man, “I’m not going to give you the money. Instead, I’m going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife..”
The homeless man was astounded. “Won’t your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I’m dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting.”
The man replied, “That’s okay. It’s important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex.”
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ANNUAL NEOLOGISM CONTEST
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. And the winners are:
1. Coffee (n.): the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.): appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3. Abdicate (v.): to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.): to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy~nilly (adj.): impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.) : describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.): to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n.): olive-flavoured mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.): emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.): a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.): a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.): the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n ): a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.): a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish~isms.
15. Circumvent (n.): an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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YES … PUN INTENDED
Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t serve food in here.”
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love and get married. The ceremony wasn’t much but the reception was great.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?
Two cows standing next to each other in a field, Daisy says to Dolly
“I was artificially inseminated this morning.”
“I don’t believe you,” said Dolly.
“It’s true, no bull!”
Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my electron.”
The other says, “Are you sure?”
The first replies, “Yes, I’m positive…”
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?”
“Well,” says the vet, “let’s have a look at him.” So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What, just because he’s cross-eyed?”
“No, because he’s really heavy.”
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.
I went to a seafood disco rave last week…. and pulled a mussel.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, “dam.”
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ANDY ROONEY, 2004
1. Andy Rooney on Monica Lewinsky of Bill Clinton fame.
Can you believe it? Monica turned 28 this week.
It seems like only yesterday that she was crawling round the White House on her hands and knees.
2. Andy Rooney on Vegetarians.
Vegetarian – that’s an old Indian word meaning “lousy hunter”.
3. Andy Rooney on Prisoners.
Did you know that it costs forty thousand dollars a year to house each prisoner? Jeez, for forty thousand bucks apiece I’ll take a few prisoners into my house. I live in Los Angeles. I already have bars on the windows. I don’t think we should give free room and board to criminals I think they should have to run twelve hours a day on a treadmill and generate electricity. And, if they don’t want to run, they can rest in the chair that’s hooked up to the generator.
4. Andy Rooney on Fabric Softeners.
My wife uses fabric softener . I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath, “Married!” and walking away. Fabric softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring. But, it’s hard to get that April Fresh scent out of your clothes.
5. Andy Rooney on morning differences.
Men and women are different in the morning. We men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve.
6.Andy Rooney on cripes
My wife’s from the midwest. Very nice people there. Very wholesome. They use words like ‘Cripes’ ‘For Cripes sake.’ Who would that be; Jesus Cripes? The son of ‘Gosh’ of the church of ‘Holy Moly’? I’m not making fun of it. You think I wanna burn in ‘Heck’?
7. Rooney on Grandma
My grandmother has a bumper sticker on her car that says, ‘Sexy Senior Citizen.’ You don’t want to think of your grandmother that way, do you? Out entering wet shawl contests. Makes you wonder where she got that dollar she gave you for your birthday.
8. Rooney on answering machines.
Did you ever hear one of these corny positive messages on someone’s answering machine? “Hi, it’s a great day and I’m out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is: “Share the love.” BEEP.
“Uh, yeah…this is the VD clinic calling….Speaking of being positive, your test results are back. Stop sharing the love..”
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MAKING A BABY
The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, ‘Well, I’m off now. The man should be here soon.’
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. ‘Good morning, Ma’am’, he said, ‘I’ve come to…’
‘Oh, no need to explain,’ Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, ‘I’ve been expecting you.’
‘Have you really?’ said the photographer. ‘Well, that’s good. Did you know babies are my specialty?’
‘Well that’s what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat !.
After a moment she asked, blushing, ‘Well, where do we start?’
‘Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.’
‘Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn’t work out for Harry and me!’
‘Well, Ma’am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I’m sure you’ll be pleased with the results.’
‘My, that’s a lot!’, gasped Mrs. Smith.
‘Ma’am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I’d love to be in and out in five minutes, but I’m sure you’d be disappointed with that.’
‘Don’t I know it,’ said Mrs. Smith quietly.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. ‘This was done on the top of a bus,’ he said.
‘Oh, my God!’ Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
‘And these twins turned out exceptionally well – when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with.’
‘She was difficult?’ asked Mrs. Smith.
‘Yes, I’m afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look’
‘Four and five deep?’ said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
‘Yes’, the photographer replied. ‘And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling – I could hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.’
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. ‘Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh….equipment?’
‘It’s true, Ma’am, yes.. Well, if you’re ready, I’ll set-up my tripod and we can get to work right away.’
‘Tripod?’
‘Oh yes, Ma’am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It’s much too big to be held in the hand very long.’
Mrs Smith fainted.
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ANAL GLAUCOMA
A woman calls her boss one morning and tells him that she is staying home because she is not feeling well.
“What’s the matter?” he asks.
“I have a case of anal glaucoma,” she says in a weak voice.
“What in tarnation is anal glaucoma?”
She says, “I can’t see my butt coming into work today.”
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THE MAN & THE OSTRICH
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke,’ and turns to the ostrich, ‘What’s yours?’
‘I’ll have the same,’ says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order ‘That will be $9.40 please,’ and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, ‘A hamburger, fries and a coke’
The ostrich says, ‘I’ll have the same.’
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. ‘The usual?’ asks the waitress.
‘No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,’ says the man.
‘Same,’ says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, ‘That will be $32.62.’
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. ‘Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?’
‘Well,’ says the man, ‘several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.’
‘That’s brilliant!’ says the waitress. ‘Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!’
‘That’s right. Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,’ says the man.
The waitress asks, ‘What’s with the ostrich?’
The man sighs, pauses and answers, ‘My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.’
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CRUISE SHIP MAGICIAN
A magician worked on a cruise ship. The audience was different each
week so the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There
was only one problem: The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week
and began to understand how the magician did every trick.
Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show,
“Look, it’s not the same hat! “or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under
the table!” or “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”
The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was, after all, the
captain’s parrot. Then one stormy night on the Pacific, the ship unfortunately
sank, drowning almost all who were on board. The magician luckily found
himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would
have it … with the parrot.
They stared at each other with hatred, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day.. and then 2 days … and then 3 days…
Finally on the 4th day, the parrot couldn’t hold back any longer
and said, “OK, I give up. Where’s the damn ship?”
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WORLD’S FASTEST QUIZZ
Passing requires ONLY 4 correct answers!
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last?
2. Which country makes Panama hats?
3. From which animal do we get cat gut?
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
5. What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
6. The Canary Islands are named after what animal?
7. What was King George VI’s first name?
8. What color is a purple finch?
9. What country do Chinese gooseberries come from?
10. What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
- Scroll down for the answers
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ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ:
1. How long did the Hundred Years War last? Answer: 116 years
2. Which country makes Panama hats? Answer: Ecuador
3. From which animal do we get cat gut? Answer: Sheep and Horses
4. In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? Answer: In November
5. What is a camel’s hair brush made of? Answer: Squirrel fur
6. The Canary Islands are named after what animal? Answer: Dogs (Latin: canaria)
7. What was King George VI’s first name? Answer: Albert
8. What color is a purple finch? Answer: Crimson
9. What country do Chinese gooseberries come from? Answer: New Zealand
10. What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane? Answer: Orange, of course.
…. So, how many did you get?
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NEW SALESMAN
A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big “everything under one roof” department store looking for a job.
The Manager says, “Do you have any sales experience?”
The kid says “Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota.”
Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job. “You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did.”
His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.
“How many customers bought something from you today?
The kid says “one”.
The boss says “Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?”
The kid says “$101,237.65″.
The boss says “$101,237.65? What the heck did you sell?”
The kid says, “First, I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4×4 Expedition.”
The boss said “A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?”
The kid said “No, the guy came in here to buy Tampons for his wife, and I said, ‘Dude, your weekend’s shot, you should go fishing.’ “
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A FEW ZEN THOUGHTS FOR NOT TAKING LIFE TOO SERIOUSLY
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
A day without sunshine is like, night.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Remember, half the people you know are below average.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
Support bacteria. They’re the only culture some people have.
Monday is an awful way to spend one-seventh of your life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
Get a new car for your spouse. It’ll be a great trade!
Plan to be spontaneous….tomorrow.
Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise my hand…
If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory; Some just don’t have film.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering “WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED?!!!”
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THERMODYNAMICS OF HELL
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington
chemistry mid-term. The answer by one student was “so profound” that
the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of
course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic
(absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law,
(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some
variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we
need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and the rate they are
leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell,
it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving.
As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different
religions that exist in the world today. Some of these religions state
that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since
there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to
more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell.
With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of
souls in Hell to increase exponentially.
Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s
law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay
the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are
added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until
all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa Morrison
during my freshman year, “…that it will be a cold day in Hell before
I sleep with you,” and take into account the fact that I still have not
succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then #2 cannot be true, and
thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze.
The student received an “A”.
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A FINE WOMAN
You’ve got to love this little girl. What a fine woman / wife she’ll make!
A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?”
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life is four little animals.”
The teacher asked, “Really and what four little animals would that be?”
The little girl said, “A mink on my back, a jaguar in my garage, a tiger in my bed and of course, I’ll need a jackass to pay for all of it.”
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86-YEAR OLD LADY’S LETTER TO A BANK
Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old woman.
The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the New York Times.
Dear Sir:
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month.
By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it..
I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension, an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally answer your telephone calls and letters, — when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.
From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen employee to complete.
I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Notary Public, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.
In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service.
As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.
When you call me, press buttons as follows:
IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
#1. To make an appointment to see me
#2. To query a missing payment.
#3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
#4. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping
#5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
#6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home
#7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized Contact mentioned earlier.
#8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 through 7.
#9. To make a general complaint or inquiry. The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service.
#10. This is a second reminder to press* for English.
While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
Your Humble Client,
And remember: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to piss us off.
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GM VS MICROSOFT
At the 2002 computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated : ” If GM had kept up with technology like the Microsoft has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon. “
In response to Bill’s comments, General Motors issued a press release stating : ” If GM had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever GM cars would crash twice a day.
2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3. Occasionally, GM cars would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart, and drive on.
4. Occasionally, executing a manoeuvre such as a left turn would cause GM cars to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car99″or “CarNT”, but then you would have to buy more seats.
6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on 5% of the roads.
7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single “general car fault” warning light.
8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt.
9. The airbag system would say, “Are you sure?” before going off.
10. Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, GM cars would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the car’s performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department.
12. Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyer would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
13. You would press the “Start” button to shut off the engine.
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SASSY AIRLINE SOLUTIONS!
After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you’re right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
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ACTS 2: 38
A woman had just returned to her home from an evening of church
services , when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the man in the
act of robbing her home of its valuables and yelled: ‘Stop! Acts 2:38!’
(Repent and be Baptized, in the name of Jesus Christ , so that your sins
may be forgiven.)
The burglar stopped in his tracks. The woman calmly called the police and
explained what she had done.
As the officer cuffed the man to take him in, he asked the burglar: ‘Why
did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to
you.’
‘Scripture?’ replied the burglar. ‘She said she had an ax and two .38s!’
*
*
A UKRANIAN WALKS INTO A BANK
A Ukrainian walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loan officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Kiev on business for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank. The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Ukrainian handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Ukrainian produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Ukrainian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank’s underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Ukrainian returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is; why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”
The Ukrainian replied: “Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”
*
*
A BOY’S CONFESSION
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, “Is that you, little Joey Pagano?”
“Yes, Father, it is.”
“Well, who was the girl you were with?”
“I can’t tell you, Father. I don’t want to ruin her reputation.”
“Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?”
“I cannot say.”
“Was it Teresa Mazzarano?”
“I’ll never tell.”
“Was it Nancy Capelletti?”
“I’m sorry, but I cannot name her.”
“Was it Cathy Pirangia?”
“My lips are sealed.”
“Was it Rose Angelo, then?”
“Please, Father, I cannot tell you.”
The priest sighs in frustration.
“You’re very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you’ve sinned and you have to atone.
I’m sorry, but you cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now go and behave yourself.”
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Frank slides over and whispers, “What’d you get?”
“Four months of vacation and five good leads.”
*
*
21 ECONOMIC MODELS EXPLAINED
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk
away.
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.
SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow has dropped dead.
ROYAL BANK OF SCOTLAND VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.
A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organize a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called “Cowkimon” and market it worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5,000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.
AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.
A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.
AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No one believes you, so they bomb the crap out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least you are now a democracy.
AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate.
A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.
*
*
6TH GRADE SCIENCE TEACHER
The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, “Which human
body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”
No one answered until little Molly stood up and said, “you should not be
asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents and
they will go tell the principal, and you’ll get fired!” She then sat back
down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, “which body part
increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”….little Molly’s mouth
fell open and she said to those around her, “boy, is she gonna get in big
trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “anybody?”
Finally, Jimmy nervously stood up and said, “The body part that increases
to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “very good, Jimmy.”
She then turned to Molly and continued, “as for you, young lady, I have
two things to say: first, you didn’t read your homework.
And second, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.”
*
*
5 Little Old Ladies
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 KPH. Says he to himself: “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies – two in the front seat and three in the back – wide eyed and white as ghosts.
The driver, obviously confused, says to him “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”
“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “you weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers..”
“Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly…Twenty-two kilometers an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly.
The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 is the highway number, not the speed limit.
A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.
“But before I let you go, Ma’am, I have to ask…is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven’t made a peep this whole time,” the officer asks.
“Oh, they’ll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Highway 189.”
*
*
5 PEARLS OF SCOTTISH WISDOM
1. Money cannot buy happiness but, somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes Benz than in a Yugo.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the bum’s s name.
3. Help a man when he is in trouble & he will remember you when he is in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Alcohol does not solve problems, but then neither does milk.
*
*
Are You Taking Anything for It?
A man and a woman were seated next to each other in the first class section of an airplane.
The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, and then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.
Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, “I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?”
“I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm.”
The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. “I have never heard of that condition before,” he said. “Are you taking anything for it?”
The woman nodded, “Pepper.”
*
*
A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding…
Is there a problem, Officer?
Yes ma’am, I’m afraid you were speeding.
Oh, I see.
Can I see your license please?
Well, I would give it to you but I don’t have one.
Don’t have one?
No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.
I see…Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.
I can’t do that.
Why not?
I stole this car.
Stole it?
Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.
You what!?
His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see
The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.
Ma’am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle. Is there a problem sir?
My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.
Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!
Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.
Is this your car, ma’am?
Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.
My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.
The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.
The officer examines the license quizzically.
Thank you ma’am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn’t have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!
Bet he told you I was speeding, too.
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