Reading Time: 11,356 words, 27 to 45 minutes
Preface – this is an article I wrote for my godson about 13 years ago when he was single. He’s married now and he recently dug this up for his wife to read so I think the rest of the world might be ready for this too.
A NOTE TO MY GODSON REGARDING THE FEMALE OF OUR SPECIES
A NOTE TO MY GODSON REGARDING THE FEMALE OF OUR SPECIES
As I am approaching a half century of a very fulfilling and interesting life and since you are a young man as yet unmarried, I thought it fitting to share with you some of the lessons I’ve learned about the female of our species. Actually, I should refrain from using the word ‘female’ as it sounds so clinical and the word ‘girl’ sounds patronizing so let us, instead, speak of ‘women’.
You might well ask me “what do I, a bachelor, know about women?” Well, in the immortal words of the comedian Milton Berle, “Bachelors know more about women than married men do, otherwise they’d be married.” 🙂 Furthermore, not only do I have the uncommon ability to learn from my own mistakes, although I’ve repeated some lessons more than once, I also have the unusual talent of learning from the mistakes of others.
Keep in mind, I do not propose to lecture you, tell you how to live or what to do with your life. You are a free man, capable of making your own decisions and mistakes. I share these thoughts with you in the hope it gives you both amusement and ammunition, and perhaps, prevents some of life’s surprises from blind-siding you. Women can be quite surprising. I will give you my blessing in whatever you do; I will support whatever decisions you make and, if necessary, I will help you pick up the pieces. If you see a bit of blood dribbling down my chin, it is only from biting my tongue to keep from saying “I told you so.”
Be warned; some of this is amusing, some isn’t. Some of this you will agree with, some you won’t. This is reality as I see it. I make no attempt to be ‘politically correct’ (a phrase that disgusts me.) If you think some of this is old-fashioned, you’re right. Women have been around for millions of years and men have been trying to understand them from the beginning of time. Some of the writers and thinkers I will quote go as far back as ancient Greece. I firmly believe that the painful truth is better in the long run than comfortable lies. As the writers John Wooley and Ron Wolf say; “The truth shall set you free but, first it will make you miserable.”
Some of the thoughts I shall cover are;
– Feelings and emotions are so much shit
– Married men don’t live longer than single men; it just feels that way
– Love is a four letter word
– Women want marriage even if they say they don’t
– Women want children even if they say they don’t
– Never marry a beautiful woman; let someone else pay the price
– Never seduce a woman; let them make the first move
– Sex is not a four letter word but, it is over-rated
– Complete honesty will kill a relationship
– If it doesn’t work the first time, give up
– Women become unhappy with age
– Women are clean-freaks
– Women don’t think; they feel
– First man on the rebound doesn’t last
– If she’s still living at home, keep looking
– Never hit a woman, no matter how much she deserves it
– Don’t settle for second best, you’ll be judged by the company you keep
– If she can’t stand to be alone, she probably bores others too
– Neurosis has been outlawed by political correctness
– Night sex is lousy sex
– Women are merciless
– Women just don’t understand relationships
Let’s take that last one first; WOMEN JUST DON’T UNDERSTAND RELATIONSHIPS. There are many different types of relationships and by the time you’re finished reading this you’ll probably be sick of the word ‘relationship’ (I know I am). There are political relationships, economic relationships and mechanical relationships. There are astronomical, interpersonal, nuclear and a wide range of electromagnetic relationships; everything from the solar wind to hooking up a TV and DVD player to repairing house wiring. There are hundreds of different types of relationships. Men are ‘generalists’ in that most men understand many of these relationships to one degree or another.
Women are relationship ‘specialists’. They specialize in one type of relationship; interpersonal. Say the word ‘relationship’ to a woman and she immediately thinks of interpersonal relationships. You don’t even need to say ‘interpersonal’ because, to a woman, it’s redundant; it’s the one type they understand the most. They understand interpersonal relationships to an incredible degree but, to the exclusion of many other types of relationships.
This is why women are often, and mistakenly, labeled ‘shallow’. They aren’t shallow; it’s just that their priorities are different than men’s. Note the cosmetics industry; women spend billions of dollars a year on face paint that isn’t even skin deep. Note the fashion industry; women spend billions of dollars a year on clothing which is nothing more than appearances.
Take another example; a man looks at a car and he sees whether it’s a 2-door or a 4-door, whether it’s an import or domestic, whether it’s economical or expensive. The last thing a man notices is the color because, to a man, the least important part of a car is its color. You can’t change a Chevy into a Honda, you wouldn’t change a 4-door into a 2-door but, for about a thousand dollars or so, you can easily have it repainted any color you want.
A woman looks at a car. The first thing she sees is the color. The second thing is the color. The only thing she sees is the color (or maybe the dirt if it’s dirty). Women have difficulty getting beyond the surface of most things except interpersonal relationships.
This is not meant to be demeaning to women but, to illustrate the differences between men’s and women’s perceptions. To understand and get along with women, you must understand that most men are generalists and most women are specialists. The woman in your life may support your career, not because she understands your work (or even cares) but, because she has an interpersonal relationship with you and, in order to maintain that illusion of security, it’s to her benefit to support your career.
In his book ‘Time Enough for Love’, Robert Heinlein has ‘generalists’ in mind when he says; “A human being should be able to change a diaper, plan an invasion, butcher a hog, con a ship, design a building, write a sonnet, build a wall, set a bone, comfort the dying, take orders, give orders, cooperate, act alone, solve equations, analyze a problem, pitch manure, program a computer, cook a tasty meal, fight efficiently, die gallantly.”
Although Heinlein wrote this in 1973, he is still ahead of his time. It is interesting that his next sentence is “specialization is for insects.” Keep reading.
Whether you call it Mother Nature, evolution, or survival of the fittest; over millions of years the struggle to survive has selected those woman who can understand their mates, guide him, support him and select the right mate in the first place so that he can provide her with the means and security to raise children. Humans are one of only a few animals that require a dozen or more years to raise their young. That’s why woman have evolved to specialize in interpersonal relationships.
Today we live on a planet overcrowded with human beings. It is not enough to specialize in interpersonal relationships and pick a few roots and berries. Note that Heinlein did not say that men should be generalists but that ‘human beings’ should be generalists. In Heinlein’s stories, REAL women are generalists. Yet, today, most women remain specialists. No wonder the world is overcrowded. It is all too easy for men to fall for a specialist because they specialize in us. But, beware; if you choose a specialist, your life will be a never-ending chatter of dishes, diapers, drapes and gossip. No wonder so many men take up such boring and time-consuming games as golf and curling. It’s their only escape from mindless chatter and screaming kids.
The reason I’ve belabored this to death is that you will be beaten over the head for the rest of your life with this relationship thing. Thank goodness there are exceptions but, most women still understand only interpersonal relationships to the exclusion of most other types. And, they will manipulate you and try to make you feel guilty about your lack of specialization in interpersonal relationships. And, it’s ironic because if you weren’t a generalist you might go bankrupt by choosing an expensive car when you can’t really afford one (financial relationships), you might deprive your “better half” of the afternoon soaps because you can’t hook up the TV (electromagnetic) etc. etc. If men weren’t generalists, we wouldn’t have sailed to the New World (geographic relationships), invented the steam engine (physical) etc. etc. How many discoveries and inventions have women made compared to men? Women enjoy the fruits of the generalist’s labors yet whine about our lack of interpersonal specialization.
And, don’t expect help from your male friends in this matter. They’ve probably had their spines extracted in exchange for the promise of perpetual sex and they aren’t going to jeopardize that illusory prospect just to help a buddy. So, choose your women carefully.
FEELINGS AND EMOTIONS ARE SO MUCH SHIT
You will also spend the rest of your life being beaten over the head, not only with this relationship thing but, with great feeling and emotion. And it will be done very easily because the words ‘feeling’ and ‘emotion’ are difficult to define; like trying to nail Jell-O to the wall. For instance, ‘feeling’ is defined as “possessing great sensibility.” So, looking up ‘sensibility’, we find “the capacity to experience emotion or feeling.” This is going in circles.
Let’s try another approach; looking up ‘emotion’ we find “that which brings about an intense state of feeling.” So, we’re back where we started; nowhere.
Beware indefinable words! Most capital letter words are indefinable; Love, Honor, Truth, and the list could go on and on. As Ann Landers was fond of saying; “No one can take advantage of you without your permission.” If you allow others to define indefinable words, they will enslave you with words. Women will do it. So will politicians, religious leaders and other crooks.
The best defense is a good offense. Demand a definition! Play dumb; say “what does that mean?” If they can’t define their words or if their definition is circular or wishy-washy then you know you’re being manipulated. Tell ’em that and watch the fireworks!
Consider using one of Formal Debating’s best tactics; define your own words. If someone is going to use words to take advantage of you and they refuse to define them to your satisfaction, then strategically define them yourself to your best advantage. And defy them to come up with a better definition.
In “The Spade of Reason“, Jim Cowan writes;
“Interesting how we use the same verbs to describe sensation – I felt warm – as we do to describe emotions – I felt numb. Hidden in our language are truths about ourselves. In this case…the hidden truth is that the neural circuits that process sensation are the same neural circuits that create emotion. The difference between sensations and emotion is that information flows the other way. Emotion is nothing more than sensation in reverse…The word itself – E-motion means ‘flowing out.’ Emotion is simply sensation we create.”
And the difference between emotion and feeling is that emotion is what’s happening now whereas feeling is thinking, talking about or playing with it afterwards. Emotion is an inevitable part living. We cannot help having an emotion and no one should feel guilty about having one. Neither can we help having thoughts. Close your eyes and try NOT to think about a pink elephant. So, no one should feel guilty about having thoughts. We are NOT responsible for our thoughts and emotions. But, we ARE responsible for what we do and say. We don’t have to act on our thoughts and emotions. We can have an emotion, examine it, learn from it and get on with life.
Now look at it from a different perspective. We eat food. Our bodies extract nutrients from it and the rest is called shit. Shit is an inevitable part of living. But you don’t have to play with it afterwards. Babies, who don’t know any better, sometimes play with their shit. It’s theirs; they created it, and it’s fun smearing it around. Eventually, most of us grow up and stop playing with our shit.
However, many women never seem to grow out of their shit-playing stage. Emotions are like shit; they’re an inevitable by-product of living. But women keep playing with their emotions the way babies play with their shit except women call it “feeling.” Remember, the difference between emotion and feeling is “emotion is while it’s happening’ and feeling is ‘thinking, talking about it or playing with it afterward.”
Women will try to make you feel guilty because you don’t play with your shit (feeling). Furthermore, women have the advantage of greater verbal skills than men have and they will use (and abuse) words better than men can. So, whenever you find yourself being beaten over the head with words or made to feel guilty; demand a definition. And, don’t settle for “well, everyone knows…” because if everyone knows then it should be easy to define.
Or, create your own definition and put them on the defensive. It won’t make you popular but you keep your spine intact. You also keep your self-respect for not caving in.
As my father was fond of saying – there’s two kinds of people in this world; there are those who accept me for what I am and the rest can go f**k themselves.
MARRIED MEN DON’T LIVE LONGER THAN SINGLE MEN, IT JUST FEELS THAT WAY & OTHER BULLSHIT STATISTICS
I think it was Mark Twain who said; “There are lies, damn lies and then there are statistics.”
I once found myself at a gathering of journalists and other media types. I was dying to ask them a question to confirm what I’ve long suspected. I asked if any of them had ever taken courses on statistics. The silence was deafening. I was never invited back. Wonder why?
Ignorant as they are, the media will report, verbatim, whatever bullshit statistics the government or any other supposedly credible institution hands them – without ever questioning them. I’ve taken courses in Statistical Analysis and Statistical Methodology. Give me the data and the study’s parameters and I can make statistics ‘prove’ whatever you want.
For instance, married men are less likely to engage in self-destructive behavior than single men. Many drug addicts, Main Street “rubbies”, mercenaries, soldiers of fortune and other high risk occupations are single men. Because they tend to have a much shorter life span, they skew the statistics for single men. Single men are less likely to eat healthy food than married men unless they’ve gone out of their way to learn to cook healthy meals. If you factor out the statistics for poor diets and self-destructive individuals – that’s what’s known as ‘outliers’, then single men live a lot longer.
Another statistic designed to make men feel guilty are those statistics that show women earn less than men. This is supposed to demonstrate inequality in the workplace or whatever feminist propaganda is popular this week. This is a ‘leap of faith’. Those statistics prove nothing except women earn less than men. Period. You have to dig a little deeper to find the cause of this ‘inequality’. For one thing, many women have jobs, not careers. A job is usually 9 to 5 with no unpaid overtime, little travel and no transfers. A career is long irregular hours, unpaid overtime, more travel and a greater likelihood of transfer. Many working women are mothers who sacrifice higher pay and longer hours to spend more time with their family. Furthermore they are less willing to travel for the same reason and less willing to transfer unless their husbands can move with them. When you factor in these and other variables such as maternity leave and extended time-off for family reasons, you find that the “inequality” exists in the family and not the workplace. In fact when you compare apples to apples, young single career women earn 102% of young single career men.
If you ever have the opportunity to take extra-curricular courses, I would recommend a) Statistics and b) Informal Logic – the art of argument (part of Philosophy). Needless to say, both courses are difficult to find. Government, business and special interest groups would rather keep you ignorant and pliable; all the easier to feed you bullshit statistics and propaganda.
Meanwhile, here’s some statistics you can bank on. Disbelieve 100% of statistics because 90% are wrong and the remaining 10% are only half right.
LOVE IS A FOUR LETTER WORD
Beware; here we go again with an indefinable word. Look up “love” and you find “affection.” Look up “affection” and you’re back to “love” and here we go round and round again.
Love, as in Romantic Love, is a relatively recent invention having been created by the poets in the Middle Ages and is still largely confined to the Western World. The vast majority of earth’s people do not subscribe to the notion of Romantic Love and most find it rather silly. However, it is useful in the making of certain types of movies, certain types of music (both Rock and Country) and certain types of books (Harlequin Romances, etc.)
Other types of love are much older and more enduring. Love for one’s nation, tribe or clan predates Romantic Love and love for one’s parents, children and siblings has been around since the advent of writing and probably long before. But, it is Romantic Love that we are considering here.
The writer, William Hallahan says; “You have to be very crazy or very brave to love someone. You know you’re going to take a beating”.
Still, I strongly encourage you to love, although at your age you probably don’t need much encouragement. It’s an incredible experience and as they say; “It’s better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.”
Many thinkers, much wiser than I, have tried to analyze and explain love. Their efforts have been futile. I suspect hormones, chemistry and lust plays a part but, ultimately love is one of those things best left as a mystery because a complete understanding of it would destroy it. Analysis can be paralysis.
The writer, Orson Scott Card put it this way; “Women are just bellies waiting to get filled up with babies, and they pump our handles whenever they get to feeling empty. All that other stuff about true love and devotion and commitment and fatherhood, that’s a bunch of lies we tell each other, so we don’t have to admit we’re no different from dogs – except our bitches are in heat all the time.”
Alas, love doesn’t last. As the Canadian writer, Robertson Davies said; “Short love is sweetest, and most love curdles if you keep it.” The down side of love is heart-break which is a tremendous character-building exercise but, don’t tell that to someone whose heart is broken. My own experience is that the first few heart breaks last about as long as the relationship lasted. And the first major heart break is the worst. The second is almost as bad but, not quite. By my third heart break, it was becoming familiar territory; I survived it before and I knew I could survive it again. After that it was like water off a duck’s back and I welcomed it like an old friend. More on this later.
If you listen to nothing else I’ve said, then listen to this. DON’T MARRY UNTIL YOU’VE HAD YOUR HEART BROKEN AT LEAST THREE TIMES. There are several reasons for this.
First, you aren’t really mature until you’ve survived at least three heart breaks and you shouldn’t marry until you’re mature and know what you’re doing.
Second, you will be much better at choosing a mate once you’ve had your heart seriously broken a few times. At first, you will choose women you think you want. When you’re mature, you’ll choose a woman you need. In other words, immature choices are Hollywood dream-boat types; a mature choice will be a down-to-earth mother-of-your-children type.
Third, heartbreak really does build character. If life were fair, we could build character with pleasure instead of pain. Life ain’t fair. Get used to it.
Fourth, in every break-up there is the heart breaker and the heart broken; the one who leaves and the one left behind. You will be a cold and callous heart breaker until you’ve suffered your own heart break and thus learn to let her down gently.
And last, assume you will divorce. Everyone assumes they won’t, yet many do. There are few things more pathetic and painful to see than a divorced man experiencing his first heart break. Ironically, the more you experience heartbreak the less likely you’ll need the experience because you’re more likely to choose a good and lasting partner in the first place.
I could be wrong about the following but, in my experience women don’t suffer heart break as long or as intensely as men do. Another writer, Gene Wolfe put it this way; “…women love as ‘long as’ – as long as you have a good job, as long as you don’t bring your friends home, and so on. You shouldn’t blame them for that because it’s part of their natures… For women, love is a spell that can be broken by picking a flower or throwing a ring into the sea.”
Heart break seems to make bigger fools of men than women. However, if you’re the heart breaker, that’s no excuse to be rough on her; let her down as gently as you can. There are a couple of good reasons for this.
Number one; it’s the proper thing to do but if that doesn’t convince you then consider number two, a far-sighted and practical perspective.
Number two; she has friends. She may also have sisters. Her friends have sisters. Her sisters have friends. And there’s relatives and neighbors. Women talk and they compare notes. You aren’t breaking up with just one woman; you’re putting your reputation on the line with hundreds of women, most of whom you haven’t met yet; some of whom you will meet in the future. Women remember. If you break up well, you will meet many of these women in the future. If you break up badly, you may never see another.
No matter how shitty she acts when breaking up, don’t stoop to her level. Be a gentleman; grin and bear it because there are hundreds of eyes and ears watching and listening. If you burn your bridges behind you, you could end up burning your butt as well as your reputation.
WOMEN WANT MARRIAGE EVEN IF THEY SAY THEY DON’T
I don’t know at what point I realized I didn’t wanted to marry. It wasn’t a sudden revelation; just a slow and gradual understanding. I would tell every woman I went out with that I had no intention of marrying. I made a point of telling them once a month. I even marked it on the calendar.
Most of them said they felt the same way; they too had no intention of marrying. This isn’t surprising; I got good at choosing short-term women. And, looking back I suspect what they meant was they had no intention of marrying ME. Anyway, I naively believed them. As time passed, one by one, most of my former girlfriends got married.
WOMEN WANT CHILDREN EVEN IF THEY SAY THEY DON’T
I don’t know at what point I realized I never wanted children. It wasn’t a sudden revelation (does this sound familiar?) To make a long story short – I told every woman etc. etc. and most of them agreed etc. etc.
As time passed, one by one most of my former girlfriends had children.
If this doesn’t convince you then consider these sordid details; for me variety was the spice of life. If I’d stuck with the first woman, I’d never have met the rest. The longest I ever went out with the same woman was 3 years, the shortest – 3 months, average was about a year then I’d get bored. No wonder I stayed a bachelor. If they didn’t leave voluntarily, I’d casually mention that, oh by the way, I’ve had a vasectomy. They’d be gone in a flash.
A woman’s middle name is Hope. They hope if they love you hard enough or long enough then they can change you. However, you can tell them something again and again but, if their ears are plugged with hope, you might as well talk to the wall.
There’s an old saying: “Women hope their husbands will change, men hope their wives won’t and they’re usually both disappointed”
NEVER MARRY A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN; LET SOMEONE ELSE PAY THE PRICE
John Le Carre writes; “Dealing with beautiful women is…like dealing with known criminals.” In other words, you should know better.
They say beauty and brains don’t mix. That’s not true. I’ve known and loved some very intelligent and beautiful women. However, I’ve known few beautiful women with strength of character. Some of them have been “real characters” but they lacked the strength to see them through adversity. Perhaps if I’d stuck around… but then I’m probably giving myself more credit than I deserve.
Just as suffering is necessary for the development of an artist, so is hardship necessary for the development of character. As an aside, did I ever tell you the difference between ‘trouble’ and ‘adventure’? Trouble is while its happening, adventure is talking about it afterward. If people don’t have character by age 30, they’ll probably never have it.
Beautiful women rarely have the opportunity to develop character because they can open doors with a smile. They don’t learn to solve problems because there’s always someone willing to do it for them. They don’t learn to understand or appreciate solitude because they need others to reflect their beauty. So, the care and feeding of a beautiful woman becomes a high-maintenance, full-time occupation.
Beauty doesn’t last and, in this regard, women are at a distinct disadvantage. Blame evolution. Traditionally, men favor young women because they have more child-bearing years ahead of them than do older women. However, an older man can still be attractive to women because of status, money and reproductive ability long after women of the same age have reached menopause. This holds true not only for humans but for our hominid cousins, too.
There are few things more sad than watching a faded beauty trying to cope later in life, opening doors herself, trying to solve problems she’s never had to deal with and struggling with loneliness.
Living with a beautiful woman is hell. Many women suffer low self-esteem and a beautiful woman is no exception. She is never sure if you love her for her looks or for herself. She requires continual affirmation of your devotion. Then, too, the constant attention she attracts is unnerving and worrying. When you’re with her you’re constantly dealing with the attention of other men. When you aren’t with her, you’re worrying because she’s attractive and you know most of what she’s attracting is trouble.
So, the next time you see a man with a beautiful woman, ask yourself how long you’ve looked at her and how long, if at all, you noticed him. It’s ironic; men want a beautiful woman on their arm, yet few notice him when he does.
NEVER SEDUCE A WOMAN; WAIT FOR HER TO MAKE THE FIRST MOVE
When I was young, horny and stupid I tried to seduce women. It never worked. But, when I waited for them to make the first move, it worked like a charm and then, ironically, they’d say “what took you so long?”
I don’t know why it works like that. Maybe it’s just me. I’ve never asked another man. Why give trade secrets to the competition? I’ve never asked a lover. Whatever they told me, I wouldn’t believe it anyway.
SEX IS NOT A FOUR LETTER WORD BUT, IT IS OVER-RATED
Losing one’s virginity is often awkward, clumsy and embarrassing. To show you how unfair life is; you never forget the first time. If life were fair, you’d remember the best times. But, life isn’t fair. I got used to it.
The best sex is usually the first time with a new lover. It’s often downhill from there. That’s from a man’s point of view. I don’t know if women feel the same way. I doubt it.
Again, blame evolution. Don’t underestimate evolution just because it’s a scientific theory. Gravity is also a scientific theory although it is commonly called a law. You wouldn’t walk off the edge of a cliff just because gravity is a theory.
A man produces millions of sperm each time he ejaculates. A woman, however, produces only one egg a month for a lifetime total of only several hundred. A man ensures the greatest contribution to the gene pool by having as many lovers as possible. A woman needs to horde her few eggs and deploy them as efficiently as possible. Consequently, evolution has selected those men who want a wide variety of different partners. And, evolution has selected those women who strive to keep her mate from straying. Small wonder the two genders are often in conflict.
That’s how guilt was invented. Women are masters of the guilt thing. Nancy Friday writes; “The boy wants sex but feels he is wrong to want it. Women have placed his body at war with his soul… How can a man not be in rage with members of the sex who make him feel guilty about the very desires they have gone to such pains to provoke in him.”
North American society has a titillating attitude toward sex compared to the rest of the world. Because of our ‘sex-phobic’ Puritan background, we are so much more interested in sex because it is forbidden. Advertisers make great use of the ‘forbidden fruit’ aspect of sex. Only in North America could Playboy magazine have been invented. The magazine and Playboy clubs eventually expanded overseas. The overseas clubs were the first to go out of business and the magazine continues to sell fairly well only in North America.
Another of life’s injustices is the difference in peak sex drives between men and women. Men reach their peak sex drive in their late teens and early twenties and then they begin a slow decline into old age. On the other hand, women reach their peak sex drive in their mid- thirties to mid-forties. They have little desire in their teens (there are exceptions but they’re usually dangerous). Men your age are hornier than ten-peckered Billy goats but women your age couldn’t care less. By the time you reach forty, you’ll be long past your peak (thankfully) but women that age will be hornier than a nymphomaniac on Viagra. For a real show, go to a strip joint featuring male strippers and watch the female patrons (mostly middle-aged). They make feeding day at the zoo look tame.
Unfortunately, long term sex with the same partner becomes boring for men. Look at the 100 best-selling non-fiction books or browse through a book club’s catalogue or book stores. You’ll find dozens of current titles purporting to put the “zing” back into old relationships; How to Stay Lovers for Life, Keeping Love Alive, Secrets to Lasting Love etc. Men don’t buy these; women do.
Another interesting perspective on the declining satisfaction of long term sex with the same partner is the old practical joke about ‘beans in the jar’. There was a time before the birth control pill when sex was (supposedly) saved for marriage. As a prank, newlyweds were encouraged to put a bean or a penny in a jar whenever they made love during the first year. After a year, they were to remove one when they made love. Sadly, the jar never emptied. It’s a lame joke but very revealing!
Men and women perceive sex differently. To a man the importance of sex is the arousal and physical sensation. To a woman the importance of sex is the love and intimacy. In other words, men give love in order to get sex; women give sex in order to get love. Men and women aren’t just from different planets, they’re from different galaxies.
COMPLETE HONESTY WILL KILL A RELATIONSHIP
Let me tell you a story. After I gradually came to the realization that I did not want to encumber myself with children, I decided I should have a vasectomy. Since this was a major decision and a process not easily reversed, I felt I shouldn’t rush into it and I should talk to parents about their experience raising a family.
The question I asked was; “If you could do it again, would you raise a family?” This was not an open-ended, essay-type of question. I assumed there was only a limited number of answers like; ‘yes, no, maybe, I don’t know or none of your business’. And yet, at first I didn’t get simple answers. I got responses like; “We love our children” or “We did it for the kids.” Well, I certainly hope they love their kids; they got ’em. And, bringing someone into existence for the sake of their existence still baffles me.
After a while I realized what I was doing wrong was talking to both parents at the same time. It was only when I talked to each parent privately that I got real answers. And, the answers surprised me. More than 2/3 of the mothers said “No.” The fathers were split about 50/50.
I drew several conclusions from this informal survey. Despite the inroads made by feminists, most of the work of child-rearing is still done by women so if anyone is fed up with all the work in raising a family it’s women. Also, comparing the bullshit responses when parents were together versus the straightforward answers when they talked privately, led me to the conclusion that there’s a lot of illusion and self-deception necessary to keep a marriage and family together. The other conclusion is frightening; if parents ever honestly compared notes with each other, there’d be a lot more abandoned children in this world.
Illusion and self-deception seem to be necessary to keep a long term relationship going. Diplomacy is far more useful than complete honesty. Moral of the story: say you’re honest but be diplomatic.
WHAT DO WOMEN WANT ?
You will find yourself asking the question; “What do woman want?” many times. Actually, the answer is simple although somewhat disconcerting; women want everything. What they want is completely contradictory but that doesn’t seem to bother them.
Women want the most money, the biggest house and the fanciest car on the block. Of course, this requires that one or both of them work their butts off, putting in long hours away from each other. Women also want their husbands to spend lots of quality time with them and the kids. This is contradictory.
Women will spend money on cosmetics and fashion in order to find a tall, dark and handsome fellow who will sweep them off their feet. Women also want to be appreciated for themselves and not just their looks. This, too, is contradictory.
Women want to be in charge of their lives and the captains of their fate. Women also want the man in their life to be responsible for their happiness and fulfillment. This is contradictory.
Women want marriage and family. Women also want to be free and independent. This, too, is contradictory.
I could go on and on in the same vein but, I don’t wish to deprive you of the joy of discovering for yourself how irrational, illogical, contradictory and exceedingly wonderful a woman can be. Not surprising, women find men to be just the opposite; cold, rational and overly consistent. Different galaxies, remember?
IF IT DOESN’T WORK THE FIRST TIME; GIVE UP
You’ve no doubt heard; “If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again.” This may hold true for many things. It does not apply to interpersonal relationships.
I once broke up with the same girl four times. I use the word “girl” because we were both teenagers wallowing in love, lust and stupidity. Yet, each time we got back together, it lasted shorter than the previous time. That should have been a hint. A long time later, I broke up with a woman twice. Even hard earned lessons need to be re-learned occasionally.
If it doesn’t work the first time, there’s a reason for it. And afterwards, it’s human nature to remember the good time and forget the bad times. And, so, we’re tempted to get back together.
If it doesn’t work the first time; give up. Or else, learn the hard way. Everyone has the right to make a fool of themselves; sometimes more than once.
If a woman breaks up with you, she may try to lessen the blow by suggesting; “let’s still be friends.” Or, you may be tempted to make the same suggestion if you’re doing the breaking-up. Avoid the temptation! Don’t do it. Make a clean break otherwise the heartbroken one will continually hope there’s still a chance to get back together. “Let’s still be friends” may be well-intentioned but it’s nothing short of torture.
WOMEN BECOME MORE UNHAPPY WITH AGE
You may have never thought about this but, how many happy women do you know? Think about this a moment. Your answer is probably somewhere between “not very many” and “none.” If you answer “lots”, I want names and phone numbers.
The bad news is they get even more miserable and bitter with age. In fact, older women get either downright bitchy, religion, or both.
I can only speculate as to the reasons for this. For one thing, I’ve known only one woman who understood that she, and no one else, was responsible for her happiness. She’s old enough to be my grandmother and it took her a long time to come to that realization; too long for her husband to reap any benefit as he had already died.
Women want someone else to make them happy; to fulfill them and give their lives meaning. This is impossible. Each one of us is responsible for our own happiness. The responsibility for happiness cannot be delegated to someone else. Young “liberated” women talk about self-actualization and self-fulfillment but, that’s all it is; talk. So they’re unhappy because you didn’t make them happy. They’re bitter because they put all their expectations for happiness on your shoulders and you failed, you miserable low-life cretin.
Another reason they’re unhappy is they box themselves into a prison of their own making. They think that finding a man or boyfriend will make them happy. It doesn’t. Then they hope that marriage will make them happy. It doesn’t. Then they hope that having children will make them happy. It doesn’t. OOPS! Now they’re stuck in a marriage and family from which there’s no escape.
Unrealistic expectations are, I believe, the root cause of their unhappiness. They expect more than they deserve and when they don’t get it they become bitter. The late Janis Joplin put it well; “It’s not what isn’t, it’s what we wish was that makes the greatest unhappiness.”
Remember, we’re talking about people who spend a great deal of their time living in a fantasy world; a world of magic and make-believe. Look at the magazine rack in a store. Look at the number (and the size) of bride’s magazines. Look at how many fashion and glamour magazines there are. Most cover models are teenagers or women who are anorexic enough to pass for teenagers. Who watches most of the soap operas? Who reads most of the romance novels? It ain’t men. No, siree, none of that fantasy stuff for us; we know wrestling is real.
Now look at men’s magazines. No, not THAT kind! I means the other ones; the ones about photography, computers, ATV’s, 4 X 4’s, stereos, skiing, fishing, boating, hunting etc. They’re about men’s toys. A man driving his snowmobile isn’t pretending to be a cowboy; he’s having fun. A man fishing from his boat isn’t pretending to be Captain Ahab; he’s having fun. It may be fun but, it’s real. No wonder women hate it when men have fun with their toys. They realize what men are doing is real and what women do is phony, OOPS, I mean fantasy. Worse, men are having fun without them. And, women, like children, need constant attention so when men are having their fun they aren’t paying attention to women. Miserable, low-life cretins, men are!
WOMEN ARE CLEAN-FREAKS
Wives often complain that hubby doesn’t help with the cleaning. It’s true. What women don’t understand is that women are clean-freaks, men are not. A woman is happy after soaking in the tub for an hour getting squeaky clean. Men are quite happy getting greasy from working on the car, muddy from playing ball or sweaty from working out.
I’ve known women who have gone on “clean strikes”; they stop cleaning in the hope that hubby will notice the dirt and pitch in to help with the cleaning. It never works. Women give up in disgust long before hubby notices a few dust bunnies under the bed.
This shouldn’t be a surprise because women don’t clean for men. Oh, they think they do (fantasy again) but actually they clean for their mothers, friends and neighbors. They clean because they’d be embarrassed if their mothers, friends and neighbors saw the dirt. So, instead of expecting hubby to share in the cleaning, they should ask their mothers, friends and neighbors to pitch in because, after all, that’s who they’re cleaning for.
WOMEN DON’T THINK; THEY FEEL
Instead of thinking, women feel. That’s not as harsh as it sounds. Men don’t think. Period. More on that in a moment. Meanwhile, back to women.
Women feel or, more specifically, they emote and they act on their emotions (impulse) and they’ll talk about it (feelings) and when they do think it’s to rationalize their actions. In other words; emotion or feelings come first, then action and lastly, they put their brains into gear to dream up an excuse for what they’ve done (rationalization).
On the other hand, men don’t emote much. So, there’s nothing much to talk about. Women gripe that men don’t talk about their feelings. Of course not, they don’t have any… well, not many. So, men act. When they have to explain what they’ve done, it’s “Duh?” So, women still come off better by comparison.
I’ve often wondered why women are more emotional than men. I suspect that Jim Cowan’s definition of emotion as “sensations that we create” can shed light on this. Men are sensation seekers; much more so than women. Men are more likely to experiment with drugs than women, more likely to get drunk, more likely to push the envelope of experience than women. Consequently, men don’t need to create the outward flowing sensation of emotions because we are less afraid to let in sensations. In fact, we seek sensations. Some of us are sensation addicts … OOPS I mean some of YOU are sensation addicts. I snowboard and roller-blade for exercise. Adrenaline’s got nothing to do with it.
Women, on the other hand, are control freaks; they’re afraid to let themselves go, to lose control. And, it’s no wonder; if they let themselves go they can pay a high price. Pregnancy and a bad reputation are only two of such consequences. So, women compensate for their lack of incoming sensations by creating more outward flowing sensations (emotions). Men tend to get more embarrassed by emotions than woman do. Women aren’t embarrassed by emotions because they create them, they control them and they’re fun to smear around.
That’s another reason that life with women is so interesting. Then again, the Chinese have an old curse; “May you have an interesting life.”
Perhaps another reason so many women are unhappy can be explained by Walpole when he says; “The world is a comedy to those who think, and a tragedy to those who feel.”
FIRST MAN ON THE REBOUND DOESN’T LAST
Here’s another of life’s mysteries. A woman whose relationship has recently broken up is considered “on the rebound.” The first man she goes out with won’t last. I speak from considerable experience. In fact, I almost made a career out of being the “first man on the rebound”
I was going out with a woman on the rebound and, after a few months of good times and good lovin’, we parted amicably. A little while later she introduced me to a girlfriend of hers who was on the rebound. And, it kept happening. After a while, I was getting more referrals than I could handle. Remember what I said about breaking up well? Women talk. Word gets around.
Let me make several points. First, they’re fragile on the rebound. They need a friend, not a lover so don’t even think of trying to seduce them. If and when they’re ready, they’ll let you know. And then it’ll be, “What took you so long?” Don’t answer.
Secondly, don’t expect it to last. If you do; you’ll be disappointed or heart broken or both. A broken heart is like broken wings and when they’re mended, they fly away.
Third, there’s a limit to how long you can do this. In my experience, I didn’t burn out although it felt that way. After many years and lovers, I got jaded (satiated, over-dosed). It’s possible to get too much of a good thing. Variety may be the spice of life but too much spice can be overwhelming. Rudyard Kipling understood the risks when he said;
“I’ve taken my fun where I’ve found it,
And now I must pay for my fun,
For the more you ‘ave known ‘o the others
The less you will settle to one.”
Word of advice; if you’re going to marry, then marry young. If you wait too long, you’ll know better.
And, last, if you ever figure out why the first man on the rebound doesn’t last, let me know.
IF SHE’S STILL LIVING AT HOME; KEEP LOOKING
Unless they have a really horrible home life, most people don’t like to leave the nest and set out into the great unknown. Yet, most of us do. And then, the character-building really begins.
People (of both genders) who stay at home after about age twenty seem to stop maturing. Every year spent at home seems to delay maturity and after a certain point they seem to regress a couple years for every year at home. By age 25, they’re pretty much an emotional basket-case and beyond that they’re hopeless. Having a relationship with someone still living at home will teach you the meaning of words like ‘dependent’, ‘clinging’, and ‘possessive’.
NEVER HIT A WOMAN NO MATTER HOW MUCH SHE DESERVES IT
Never hit a woman unless your life is in danger. For one thing, because of zero-tolerance, the law and social norms are stacked against men. For another thing, it’s beneath your dignity to hit a woman.
I’ve already mentioned women’s superior verbal skills. Any woman who uses her tongue as a weapon doesn’t deserve you. Don’t hit her. Walk out. Don’t look back.
Let me tell you a couple of stories. Back in the days when I had a TV, there was one week all the afternoon talk shows were on the subject of wife abuse (coincidence, I’m sure). Sally Jessie Rafael was interviewing battered wives and asked one woman why her husband hit her. When the woman answered; “Because I wouldn’t keep my mouth shut”, Sally couldn’t change the subject fast enough. Heaven forbid that the victim should share some of the blame.
Another time, I was in the Trapper’s Tavern in Thompson and I overheard a domestic dispute escalating behind me. The conversation went like this;
She: “Nag, nag.”
He: “Yeah, OK.”
She: “Nag, nag, nag.”
He: “Alright, I said I would, now shut up!”
She: “Nag, nag, nag, nag.”
He: “Alright already, I agreed, NOW SHUT THE F**K UP!!!”
She: “Nag, nag, ……”
And then I heard “Kerpow!” and I turned around in time to see her flying backwards out of her chair.
She said “What’d you hit me for?”
Someone else in the tavern yelled “She’s still talking! Hit her again!” I’m not saying he did the right thing but I am saying she is at least somewhat complicit in her fate.
The pendulum of public opinion swings from one extreme to the other. Right now public opinion is such that the victim of violence is always blameless. That is utter bullshit.
Let me tell you another story. I was walking with my niece and her new boyfriend. This was the first time I’d met him. After a few minutes he asked me what branch of the Services I’d been in. I told him that, other than a few years with the Air Cadets, I had no formal military training. He said he was surprised because I don’t walk; I march. I told him I’d been told this before. Then, he asked me something I’d never been asked; whether I’d ever been in trouble on the street. I had to think about that a bit and I admitted that, although I’ve had more than my share of trouble and adventure, I’ve never been in trouble on the street. Now, I’m a walker (OK, a marcher). I’ll walk anywhere, day or night; in Winnipeg down Main St., Jarvis, Langside; in Chicago along the waterfront late at night and I’ve had guns pointed at me. And, although I’ve bumped into some ugly people, I’ve never had trouble on the street. Remind me to tell you a few stories some time …
Anyway, I thought nothing more of it. Several months later I’m pushing a grocery cart into a store and I see, coming towards me, a fellow who looks very determined and in a hurry. My first thought was; “Get the hell out of his way!” A split second later I realized that I was looking at my own reflection in a large, floor-to-ceiling mirror. Imagine that; I scared the crap outa myself. And, I’m not a formidable looking guy. I stand five foot nothing.
The point is that if you look like a victim, walk like a victim, act like a victim and talk like a victim; chances are you’ll get victimized. If you poke a dog repeatedly with a stick, chances are you’ll be bitten. If a woman keeps nagging a man repeatedly, she shouldn’t be surprised if she loses a few teeth. In all the aforementioned cases the victim bears a certain degree of responsibility. Don’t expect this to hold up in court. Courts are courts of law, not courts of justice. Laws are made by politicians. Politicians are assholes. Therefore, the law is an ass.
DON’T SETTLE FOR SECOND BEST; YOU WILL BE JUDGED BY THE COMPANY YOU KEEP
If you settle for second best, you’ll have trouble finding the best because you’ve set precedence. People judge you on the basis of the company you keep. It is better to wait for the right woman, at the risk of being alone, than to grab the first person who comes along. Again, think long term.
I don’t know why people judge you on your company. I suppose its human nature but, that isn’t really an explanation. People don’t have time to do interviews and study personal resumes before judging. Most judgments occur within the first few seconds.
On the other hand, most people are followers, not leaders. Women in particular lack confidence in their choices due, probably, to low self-esteem. If you doubt that many women have low self-esteem, consider the fact that most women have more respect for their fathers whom they did not choose than their husbands whom they chose.
IF THEY CAN’T STAND TO BE ALONE, THEY PROBABLY BORE OTHERS TOO
I once heard a woman say; “I can’t stand to hear myself think.” I almost fell over when I heard that. Nothing could be more horrible than to be afraid of your own thoughts. I’m surprised no one’s made a horror movie out of this idea but then there probably wouldn’t be much of a story in it.
People who need constant noise will be a vexation to your spirit. People like that equate being alone with being lonely. They are emotional vampires; they’ll suck the energy out of you and they’ll never be full or satisfied. If you choose one as your mate you’ll be old before your time. You’ll have to take up golf or curling just to get away.
A healthy person needs a certain amount of solitude, some more than others. There is little in our society that encourages solitude, probably because there’s no money in it. In fact, we are encouraged from an early age to avoid solitude. We’re praised for “playing well with others.” When’s the last time you heard someone praised for being alone?
Mind you, the other extreme; perpetual solitude is also unhealthy. Even hermits have occasional visitors. Here’s a quotation by Anonymous; “Man is a gregarious animal, and much more so in his mind than in his body. He may like to go alone for a walk, but he hates to stand alone in his opinions.”
People who visit my home for the first time, regardless where I live, often remark how peaceful it is. The conversation usually goes like this;
They: “Maybe it’s all the books?”
Me: “I doubt it.”
They: “Maybe it’s all the plants?”
Me: “I doubt it. Listen and tell me what you hear.”
After a pause, they say: “Nothing.”
Me: “There’s your answer.”
NEUROSIS OUTLAWED BY POLITICAL CORRECTNESS
There used to be a condition called neurosis or, more accurately; psychoneurosis. Definition; “Functional nervous or emotional disorder in which the patient’s anxieties, fears and various physical complaints are emotional and without physical cause.” It was widely understood that many women and some men were neurotic. Woody Allen is a good example of a male neurotic. The idea of neuroses was propounded by Sigmund Freud who, today, has been largely discredited.
The Psychiatric diagnostic manual has recently deleted neurosis thereby miraculously curing everybody of the condition. It was dropped for two reasons. One; since most neurotics were women, it was deemed sexist i.e. politically incorrect. Pardon me, while I puke. Two, since it was a natural condition, there’s no cure although its treatment paid for a lot of psychiatrist’s Mercedes.
The woman who couldn’t stand to hear herself think would have been considered neurotic. She’s cured now that the condition no longer exists. She still can’t stand to hear herself think, though. Another example of neurotic behavior was in a news article about an American company that, for only $9,600 U.S. trains women to find husbands. One woman explained her problem like this, “If a man liked me more than I liked him, that would be the last time I saw him… Men seem pretty nerdy when they do what you want. Except that that’s what you want. So it’s like we’re crazy, and we make them crazy.”
It’s going to take a lot more than $9,600 to straighten her out. Although you have to admit to a problem before you can solve or cure it. However, if you look closely at her statements you’ll see she’s still in denial. Only in the first sentence does she use the word “I”. After that it’s “you” and “we”.
Self-destructive behavior is common to all genders. The difference is that men’s self-destructive behavior is mostly physical i.e. drugs, alcohol, fighting, etc. Women’s self-destructive behavior is more emotional and related to interpersonal relationships. After what you’ve read so far, this shouldn’t be surprising.
NIGHT SEX IS LOUSY SEX
Women complain that we roll over and go to sleep after sex. They’re absolutely right about that when it comes to making love late at night. It’s night, we’re tired, we’re doing most of the work, they’re doing next to nothing except laying there. The fact is we wanted to go to sleep even BEFORE sex so now they’re upset that we want to go to sleep AFTERWARDS?
Listen girls: if you want good lovin’ do it in the morning when we’re wide awake and ready and rarin’ to go. Or in the afternoon when we still have some energy. Even early evening is ok. But when you want sex at night, don’t get your tits in a wringer if we fall asleep afterwards because it’s NIGHT and that’s what people do at night is SLEEP.
We men give women plenty of reasons to bitch during waking hours but sleeping at night is NOT a legitimate gripe.
WOMEN ARE MERCILESS
Your father and I grew up in a booming mining town and by the end of our teen years we had seen things most people wouldn’t see in a lifetime. Watching fights outside the Thompson Inn were some of the tamer forms of entertainment. I’ve seen many fights between men, between women and between men and women. The greatest difference between the way men and women fight is mercy. Men have it. Women don’t.
A man will stop fighting once he’s bested his opponent. When his opponent is on the ground either unconscious or begging for mercy, the fight’s over. Women won’t stop. They’ll keep kicking, gouging and ripping clothes, hair and limbs long after their opponent is begging for mercy, unconscious or dead.
Fortunately the cop-shop was across the street and the cops usually intervened before death. I’ve seen young, inexperienced cops try to separate two fighting women. I’ve seen those women turn on the cops and beat them unconscious before once again turning on each other. Experienced cops will hold the crowd back and wait for women to tire themselves before separating them
Of course, fighting need not necessarily be physical. Law suits, divorce, malicious slander and gossip are other forms of aggression. Keep this in mind if you ever get into a fight with a woman – it’ll be ugly, merciless and a fight to the finish.
If you want to understand women, study married women. Single women are on their best behavior until they hook a man.
If you want to see what a woman will look like in 20 years, look at her mother.
If you want to see what a woman will sound like in 20 years, listen to her mother.
If you want to see if a woman is struggling with a weight problem and will get fat in future, look at her upper arms. If they’re fat, she’ll follow.
REASONS FOR MARRIAGE
Marriage is an institution. There’s a solid definition of institution; “a fundamental behavioral pattern of a culture.” An institution, once firmly established in history, law and custom can remain long after it has outlived its usefulness. During the second half of the 20th century, many people in our society have questioned the usefulness of marriage. Many alternatives have been tried to varying degrees of success such as cohabiting (shacking up), open marriage, communes, contract marriage, etc. Same shit, different pile. According to another writer, David Marusek; “The one sure cure, guaranteed to make a man and a woman wish they’d never met, was for them to cohabitate. If there was one thing humankind had learned in four million years of evolution, it was that man and woman were not meant to live in the same hut.”
As I’m a bachelor with no experience in marriage, I shall rely on the experience and wisdom of others. This means I’ll be using a lot of quotations. Historian, Will Durant had an interesting observation; “The notion that a man’s wife is the nearest person in the world to him is a relatively modern notion, and one which is restricted to a comparatively small part of the human race.”
Marriage originated from a time when the average life expectancy was less than 30. Even in Roman times the ‘average’ life expectancy was 22 because of high infant mortality. Anyone who survived infancy was old at 30 and few lived beyond 40. Thus, most people were married less than 20 years. Today the average life expectancy is close to 80 and climbing. The high rate of marital failure in our society underscores the old adage that “familiarity breeds contempt.”
Based on what I’ve seen, heard and studied, there’s only one good reason for marriage and that’s to raise a family. This begs the question, “why raise a family?” There’s only one good reason to raise a family in this over-populated world and that’s if you have nothing better to do with your life. Keep reading. There were other reasons for raising a family but they no longer apply in the modern world.
It is not for no reason that the poor, the disenfranchised and the uneducated have the most children. They can least afford it but they have nothing better to do. Once upon a time there were economic reasons for marriage and family. You needed the extra hands to help run the farm or else you starved. The larger your family the better you could defend yourself. There was no social security or pensions so an ‘extended family’ was a source of security in old age. Women wore themselves out bearing as many children as possible because up until about a century ago, 4 out of 5 children never reached their 5th birthday.
However, times have changed. Children are no longer an asset; they’re a liability. Only 3% of our population lives on a farm and even that number is dropping. Most children now survive into adulthood. Yet, the institution of marriage is still around and the institution is in trouble. More than half of all marriages end in divorce and of those that don’t, many are miserable.
Never trust the public image that people project. As time goes on, you will be surprised that people you thought were happily married are getting divorced. I’ve developed a rule of thumb; scratch the surface of those who publicly appear weird or eccentric and underneath what you see is what you get. However, scratch the surface or those who publicly appear normal or ‘pillars of the community’ and you discover they have a closet full of skeletons.
A few years ago there was an interesting documentary on marriage. It tried to be upbeat but, it failed despite good intentions. It concluded that there were several things that kept a marriage together. First, it was love which, of course, doesn’t last. Then it was kids who eventually leave home (you’d be surprised how many kids are conceived as ‘glue’ to try to hold a marriage together.) After that it was habit. I could add another one; the recognition of skills deficiency i.e. he can’t cook, she can’t drive. The recognition of this can cause resentment and the feeling of imprisonment.
I am a hypocrite. I decided two things long ago. One, I wouldn’t marry. Two, I would do everything I can to support married couples and their families. Note that I didn’t say I supported marriage but, I support married couples and their families. I support people, not the institution.
Once you have kids, you got ’em; you can’t stuff ’em back in again. And, once you’re married, it’s a done deal. Even if you divorce there’s alimony, child support payment, visitation rights arguments, etc. I am too much a coward to ever consider something as tough and futile as marriage and raising a family in today’s world where the odds, the law, the courts and public opinion are stacked against men.
I believe the Greek philosopher, Diogenes, when he was asked what was the right age for marriage, he said; “For a young man, not yet; for an old man, not at all.” Notice too, he spoke of only one gender. I believe it was G.B. Shaw who said; “It was a woman’s job to marry as soon as possible and a man’s job to delay marriage as long as he could.”
On the other hand, I also believe it takes a village to raise a child. Consequently, I help those who need all the help they can get. My hypocrisy is this; I may knock marriage to you who are single but I wouldn’t say the same things to married people. They have it tough enough. They need all the support they can get.
If you allow a woman to read this, you do so at your own risk. Pretend you don’t know me or pretend you disagree with all the bad parts (bad parts being whatever she disagrees with, subject to change, of course.) On the other hand, for a quick education on women’s thinking (or lack thereof) press her for more details. Use the Socratic technique. Socrates was a great Greek philosopher who asked questions in order to lead people to the correct conclusions. He understood human nature. Besides, you’re more likely to hold people’s attention by asking them questions and getting them to talk than you are by lecturing them. So if they disagree with any (or all) of this, ask the childishly simple “why?” Chances are you’ll discover that what people mean by “disagree” is actually “dislike” because it doesn’t support their fantasies. I didn’t write this to be popular; the truth never is.
You’ll discover that those who are incapable of sustaining a rational argument will attack the person (i.e. name-calling) and not the argument. Keep in mind that many people live in a fantasy world. Fantasy and truth based on experience don’t mix very well.
If anyone calls me a misogynist (woman-hater) they’re only half right. I am a misanthrope – I hate everyone equally. OK, that’s an exaggeration. What I really hate is stupidity. Anyone who believes everything they’re told without question is stupid.
The late Frank Zappa had this to say about stupidity; “Some scientists claim that hydrogen, because it is so plentiful, is the basic building block of the universe. I dispute that. I say there is plenty more stupidity than hydrogen and that is the basic building block of the universe.” Didja ever wonder why the universe is so big? Because there’s so much stupidity!
Consider this; we discover there’s no Santa Clause and we still believe everything else we’ve been told. Then we discover there’s no Easter Bunny and we still believe everything else we’re told. We discover the Stork doesn’t bring babies and we discover there’s no Tooth Fairy and on and on. How many lies and ‘stories’ must we uncover before we realize EVERYTHING we think we know is wrong? There’s food for thought. The beginning of wisdom is admitting we know nothing.
If anyone calls me a chauvinist, they’re correct. Definition of chauvinist; “Anyone possessed of an exaggerated enthusiasm for a cause.” My cause is truth, a reality based on experience (not lies and fantasy) and an understanding of human nature. Guilty as charged.
If anyone calls me a cynic, they’re right again. G.B. Shaw, one of the greatest observers of human nature said; “The power of accurate observation is called cynicism by those who have not got it.” Or, according to a T-shirt I wish I had bought; “I’m not cynical, just experienced.”
If anyone calls me anything else, I couldn’t care less. Like my Pappy says – there’s those who accept me for who I am and the rest can go f**k themselves.
I leave off with an interesting set of guiding principles according to the writer, Dean Koontz;
“One, do as little harm to others as possible; two, be there always for your friends; three, be responsible for yourself and ask nothing of others; four, grab all the fun you can. Put no stock in the opinions of anyone but those closest to you. Forget about leaving a mark on the world. Ignore the great issues of the time and thereby improve your digestion. Don’t dwell in the past. Don’t worry about the future. Live in the moment. Trust in the purpose of your existence and let meaning come to you instead of straining to discover it. When life throws a hard punch, roll with it – but roll with laughter.”
Let me know what you think of this.
As ever, your godfather
Your comments are WELCOME! Lengthy comments may time-out before you’re finished so consider doing them in a word doc first then copy and paste to “Leave a Reply” below.
– I can agree with A LOT OF things being written here.
– Another example. If a real estate broker/sales person wants to sell a house then he/she must make sure that the sales man convinces the woman to buy the house. Then the sale is already a “done deal” for say 80%. Then the woman will keep nagging her husband until he gives in to buy the house. It’s the woman who makes the decision to buy a house and which house in most cases.
– Again spot on.
You’re right Willy2 that’s it’s the Missus who makes the buying decisions. I learned that when I was a high school student working part-time in furniture store. When it came to appliances or furniture, always sell to the ‘little lady.’ She decides. Hubby’s simply the wallet.
I am afraid I don’t agree completely . These are generalization which do not explain great women like Indira Gandhi , Madam Teresa or even Margaret Thatcher
At first when reading through your post, I thought you were a MGTOW (Men Going Their Own Way). As I read on, I believe you may be someone who highly prizes their independence and who is unwilling to delude yourself with the Global Media programming of what ‘should’ make you a happy and competent person.
It takes work to view your own shortcomings and to decide what you will do with your hard won clarity. As a 56 yo (formerly beautiful) content woman at peace with herself and others, I’m likely not the ‘westernized woman’ you warned your Godson against. In fact, I rather enjoy living my life under the radar of pervasive male attention.
It’s likely a rough childhood prepared me to cut through the bullshit and not buy into the hype that my beauty at puberty somehow made me a ‘better’ person. I always viewed beauty as a genetic lottery tool and not who I am; I vowed at an early age to develop my character and hone concrete skills that would serve me long after the surface beauty faded. I take care of myself and feel really good in my skin.
I too chose sterilization at 23, built my own business, and practiced serial monogamy until my first short lived marriage at 35. That 5 year ‘starter’ marriage taught me how woefully immature I still was, and my indulgence in fantasy & wishful thinking hurt a good man who was not right for me. My thoughtful and kind former husband wasn’t honest, yet it was my wrong decision to marry him in the 1st place and subsequently not accept responsibility for my own flaws. I did learn though and took my time to eventually court and marry a wonderful, strong, resilient, sensual man who has been the light of my life for the past 16 years.
I make conscious choices of how to make myself interesting and valuable; moreover, I choose to only be around people who make this journey worthwhile. The women I know and socialize with are widowed or divorced, either in a happy relationship or happily single, and not one of them is bitter. They are joyful and plugged in to our community. The men I work alongside with and lead are creative, concise, and relatively drama free. Both the men and women in my life share mutual respect, admiration, and a straightforward ability to recognize our own strengths and compensate for our individual shortcomings.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that I wonder why you aren’t meeting happy women over 50? There are a lot of us, and just because you haven’t met them doesn’t mean they don’t exist.
*I came across this post after reading your truly excellent https://geroldblog.com/2015/04/11/fukushima-forever-the-pacific-ocean-is-dying/
I am a 26 year old Asian American female and I came across this blog because I googled “how to deal with my own incompetence.” I am single, just started my career, but could not agree more with what you have written (agreeing from personal experience)
Self awareness and seeing the nasty woman side of myself has made me realize my own incompetence. I always considered myself very intelligent and have achieved more than the average at my age level. Now that I am working, I realized that there were certain unidentifiable traits that prevented me to push myself further… Until I came across your blog.
Do you have any specific strategies on how women who desire change can improve themselves? What are healthy hobbies that a woman can take up?
I hope that you have a granddaughter so that you could write one of these to her…
I’m glad you enjoyed the article as it’s based on a long lifetime of experience. And, yes, I do have a god-daughter. She’s all grown up, found a good man and married him.
You pose some interesting questions. Are you sure you’re incompetent or are you talking about shortcomings? We all have shortcomings where we fall below our potential. However, incompetence is altogether a different matter. I wrote an article how to identify incompetent people. You might want to read it to see if it applies to you (I suspect it doesn’t.)
If you mean shortcomings, then congratulations! Many people lack the self-awareness to realize they have shortcomings. The fact you realize it means you’ve already achieved the first two steps in solving a problem; realizing there is a problem and wanting to do something about it.
The next step is identifying your shortcomings and being aware of your behavior. This requires brutal honesty and is difficult because human’s default position is denial and self-deception. Once you identify shortcomings you can monitor your behavior and adjust it accordingly.
Good question about hobbies. Everyone is wired differently so you’d need to identify the things you like doing. I’d suggest anything that involves other people because interacting with others exposes our shortcomings and gives us the opportunity to overcome them. Also, never be afraid to ask for help because most good people are willing to lend a hand.
Thank you for your advice. I’m happy to hear about your god-daughter and knowing she is not of the majority you speak of.
I re-read your article on incompetent people. I identify with many traits listed of an incompetent person. However, a second read made me realize that I am using isolated instances to generalize. Another way to phrase this is that I am such a great liar to myself that I will believe whatever I want to believe. So thank you for helping me see that these are shortcomings!
Hobbies that expose shortcomings and provide an opportunity to overcome would then not equate to common female hobbies such as shopping. The hobbies you speak of cannot be handled by those with insecurity issues, which is perhaps one reason why these hobbies are more popular among women.
What are your thoughts on Tinder? I agree that marriage as an institution is not necessary any longer for many individuals. But what about marriage and societal norms? Because of the expectation of marriage, single women and men could not go around openly sleeping together. Do you think that it is acceptable for society to be more open about these types of casual hook ups? I think that it has damaged the character of many individuals in my generation and further propagates destructive self denial.
Congratulations on your brutal honesty. Self-deception is a uniquely human trait that separates humanity from the rest of the animal kingdom. Nor do you have a monopoly on insecurity because most people, especially women are afflicted with it. The fact you realize it puts you miles ahead of many people. Knowledge is power and admitting a problem is the first step in dealing with it.
I’m leery of Tinder and most dating sites. For one thing too many sites get hacked. Don’t forget what happened at Ashley Madison. Also, I find them too one-sided.
I’m a life-long bachelor. About every decade, I re-examine my life to see if any changes are needed. Although I’ve known and loved some of the most wonderful women in the world when I was young, I’ve never wanted to marry. Now, I thought I should consider marriage to see if perhaps I was ready for it in my old age so I joined two on-line match-making services.
It took a couple weeks to learn to read between the lines. I examine more than two thousand women’s profiles over six months and came to the realization that no one is honest. Like social media, everyone presents only the best side of themselves and most are as phony as a three dollar bill. I’ll gladly remain a bachelor which is too bad because it would be nice to have a woman as a friend, but I know it would never work as they have too many ulterior motives.
You’re right to question openly sleeping together. I speak from considerable experience that left me jaded. If you’re going to marry, then marry young because of you wait too long, you’ll know better. Also, back in my day if a person contracted disease, it was easily curable with a shot of penicillin whereas nowadays it’s a death sentence.
This is so true, I am scared to admit it, as a transgendered man, ironically, I am de-feminizing myself. Though, most of the things you stand also stand true for most of the human beings..which is sad. The capacity to which human beings can bs themselves is astounding.
I really have realised that men a different species and I would like to enjoy than than to destroy it.. women should actually marry women then and have sex with men, things would be better (in case of straight men)
Excellent idea about women marrying women and having sex with men! I never considered that, but it makes a lot of sense. That way, women could put up with each others’ nonsense and still procreate the species.
The concept of traditional marriage dates from a time when lifespans were much shorter. Small wonder the divorce rate is 50% and many of the remainder are miserable because man and woman were never designed to live under the same roof for a long time.
Thanks, though I would like to know as a trans woman, I have come across many women, some my own friends, who think more and more that men are flaky, wishy-washy and indecisive. They generally do not like the idea of being in a relationship, that they are commitment phobics.
I myself have experienced this, as men generally experience things and never analyse what it means, whereas women analyse everything, and look for meaning etc. But are men a bit too laid back?! Do they want to have the cake and eat it too?
I think men are more accepting. Women tend to analyze things to death including relationships. “Analysis can be paralysis.” I’ve seen women destroy perfectly fine relationships because they can’t leave well-enough alone. I think insecurity might be an issue.
I found this very interesting to read, full of many insights. Considering all your life experience, I was curious about one thing, have you ever seen a lesbian breakup?
It’s funny to me because I had a decent amount of gay friends and acquaintances. I had one best friend from youth that turned out to be gay. During college he joined the campus LGBT and I met many gay people, partied with them, etc.
One thing that was a known fact in this community was that lesbian breakups are like nuclear war and the subsequent fallout. One time a few of the guys were discussing this and honestly seemed perplexed by it. Personally having been through serious relationships with women I was able to clue them in.
I always saw this no-mercy-all-out-war as the result of most women’s self classification and embracement of victim-hood. Women need to be the victim in order to help relieve taking responsibilities for their actions. Also in our modern society it is undoubtedly a powerful position to be in. For instance feminists constantly play eternal victim to get laws passed in their favor.
In a relationship with a man it’s easy for her to paint the man as a victimizer, society buys anything she says. Obviously the relationship failed due to him being so uncaring, so selfish, so hurtful, so unthoughtful, etc.
So in female female breakups, they try to out-victim each other. Friends and anyone else that’ll listen become nothing but pawns to help prop up their ultimate victim-hood. The normal truth manipulation and lies continue to magnify upon themselves exponentially as each of these women claw at each other and their friends, demanding that sides be taken and recognition of who wronged who be applied.
It’s truly a sight, and that sight–in more ways than I care to sit here and write–is unequivocal proof of the underlying truths to what you wrote.
Here I sit 34 and not yet married. Pretty damn happy about it too. Can only look back and think of bullets I’ve dodged and not anything I’ve missed out on. I got to gym and am healthy, fit, and content… Which reminds me, despite having many women approach me, if a relationship develops they soon complain about my gym going even though my heathy lifestyle is what attracted them.
Sigh, can’t win.
Thanks for your insightful comments, J.F.S. Fortunately, I’ve never witnessed lesbians breaking up, but given what I’ve seen of women’s merciless fighting (physical, legal, marital, etc.) and the flakiness of some of the gays I’ve known (not all) I can only imagine how ballistic a lesbian fight can get.
And, you’re right about our cult of victim-hood. People embrace it because:
a) it works because people surrender to it so it becomes self-perpetuating
b) never under-estimate humans’ refusal of responsibility – that’s why we invented the devil
c) denial is more than a river in Egypt
You mention the bullets you’ve dodged. You’ll really appreciate that as you get older. I went to two high school reunions, ten years apart. Looking at some of my high school heart throbs and their current wretched condition I realized “There but for the grace of God …” (and I’m not even religious). Thank you, intuition. Thank you, intuition. Thank you so much for keeping me out of trouble even if I didn’t know why or what the hell I was doing at the time. The only time my intuition is wrong is when I ignore it.
Ah! If only I’d had such a wise relative explain these topics to me before I made the great mistake of marrying!
Actually, it didn’t do my godson much good as he married a beautiful woman.
Alas, advice only serves he who gives it.
All you can do is try. You put it out there once, and you let them follow the path they choose, knowing that you did.
I think it was Nietzsche’s Zarathustra that said, “Don’t follow me.” In other words, everyone has to find their own way. All we can do is give them the tools to help them do that.
Of course Mr. Gerold, as a matter of fact, I did save your quotes to my computer. And I will look out for the works of the other half of your favorite social critics. Also, I had read some of your other posts.
To be fair, self-deception can be fun, especially when you perceive them from other people. I think generally women are better at this peculiar “skill” than us. They can hope for the best in the worst situation, dreaming about fairyland while living in slum (hence their prince comes to the rescue). Self-deception is, without a doubt, our greatest guardian, shielded us from all kind of catastrophes. When one’s life becomes miserable, which is usually a large part of one’s life, one immediately seeks refuge under its protection. A synonym for self-deception is mind-masturbation (excuse me) while a euphemism would be imagination.
As I came to acknowledge that humans are descendants of primates, my biggest surprise was why hadn’t we, with all that nuclear weapons and deadly technologies, blown up the planet yet? It’s MUST be a miracle! Nature herself must be pretty courageous to trust her safety to the hands of a bunch of monkeys. And it’s not surprising at all that our economic system is now a mess (since when were they actually good?).
There was a saying: If you believe in everything then you believe in nothing at all. I think the same thing can be said about the government. It’s bad enough to have a group of corrupt oligarchies in control. But if you don’t have any governments, that would mean everyone will share the power of running a country. In other words, everyone will long to a body of government called “the people” or “the public”. Urgh. That’s not a pretty thought, given how brilliant people are on your Stupidity post. Both options lead to a dead end. One entirely deserves what one gets or as you put it everyone must be responsible for themselves.
I don’t know. But I’m sill being hopeful about finding a woman companion, if possible, for life. Who know, maybe the women of the 21st century will have many more exceptions than her mothers and sisters in the past. (Ops, self-deception detected) Not to mention I’m currently living in a country where women’s virginity is still valued. If you don’t mind please tell me how you and the ones you love most broke up? Nevertheless, next times I’ll only get involved with a woman who share some common hobbies with me. Oh well, I’ll be punished for my optimism.
Have a good week Mr. Gerold.
Gosh! I wish I had had a godfather like you! Regarding about the lovely women of our species, as a well-known writer had well put: “In this world there are only two tragedies. One is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it.”
I wish you all the best godfather.
Thanks, I needed a good chuckle! This was the first I’d heard of the irony of the two tragedies. Good one! Thanks for that, too.
Hello again. Pardon me if the name Oscar Wilde had already occurred in your mind. He was a contemporary and fellow Irishman of G. B. Shaw. Here are more of his lines in case you’re interested: http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Oscar_Wilde
I came across your blog while I was searching for information about the possibility of wars resulting from the (hypothetical) collapsing of the economic system. Luckily enough, I tumbled into your blog and voila. Turned out there’s a lot more to learn from you. Really, really appreciate your writings. 😀 As for my weird name, it’s because I’m from Saigon. I’m browsing the books listed in your library now.
One thing funny about human, I think, is that we haven’t changed much (if not at all). Here’s an old maxim from Antoine de Rivarol: “The most civilized people are as near to barbarism as the most polished steel is to rust. Nations, like metals, have only a superficial brilliancy.”
(I would also recommend Candide by Voltaire. Again, I assumed you already knew him so you would want to reread this passage:
“But do you believe,” said Candide, “that the earth was originally a
sea, as we find it asserted in that large book belonging to the
“I do not believe a word of it,” said Martin, “any more than I do of the
many ravings which have been published lately.”
“But for what end, then, has this world been formed?” said Candide.
“To plague us to death,” answered Martin.
“Are you not greatly surprised,” continued Candide, “at the love which
these two girls of the Oreillons had for those monkeys, of which I have
already told you?”
“Not at all,” said Martin. “I do not see that that passion was strange.
I have seen so many extraordinary things that I have ceased to be
“Do you believe,” said Candide, “that men have always massacred each
other as they do to-day, that they have always been liars, cheats,
traitors, ingrates, brigands, idiots, thieves, scoundrels, gluttons,
drunkards, misers, envious, ambitious, bloody-minded, calumniators,
debauchees, fanatics, hypocrites, and fools?”
“Do you believe,” said Martin, “that hawks have always eaten pigeons
when they have found them?”
“Yes, without doubt,” said Candide.
“Well, then,” said Martin, “if hawks have always had the same character
why should you imagine that men may have changed theirs?”
“Oh!” said Candide, “there is a vast deal of difference, for free
Tan, for some reason I can’t reply to your last post so I’ll leave a reply here instead.
Congratulations! You’ve identified half of my favorite social critics and curmudgeons: Wild and Shaw. The other half are H.L. Mencken and Ambrose Bierce. Their era is a century or more which demonstrates how few contemporary geniuses there are nowadays.
I see you’ve also discovered how thin the veneer of civilization is. The only thing that separates mankind from the rest of the animal kingdom is our dubious ability of self-deception. A monkey might fool another monkey but a monkey won’t fool itself; only people do that so we can pretend we’re better than dogs.
That’s an interesting quote by Voltaire. Alas, Candide thinks too much of free will. That’s self-deception again; pretending we’re better than dogs.
If you like this sort of perspective, check my ‘Quote’ category. There’s a few quotes from my favorite curmudgeons.
BTW – no need to apologize for an interesting name.
Tan, that’s an interesting analogy with self-deception acting as hope to shield us from the worst depredations that life inflicts on us. And yes, women do seem to be well-skilled in that art.
I too am surprised we monkeys haven’t blown up the world yet. Then too, we are still in early days. Most economic depressions are followed by World Wars and given the trajectory of all the conflicts world-wide, we may yet see some interesting times. So far, the only time we’ve seen atomic bombs used was at the end of the last World War. Let us hope that’s the only time.
Good question about losing my loved ones. It’s not so much losing them as failing to hang on to them. Part of it was youthful stupidity but mostly because I never had any desire to marry. As I saw it, the only reason to marry is to raise a family. This begs the question why raise a family in an over-populated world? To that I have no answer so the compromise, sacrifice and loss of freedom involved in marriage makes no sense to me.
Being single is a luxury; one which we may no longer be able to afford if economic conditions continue to deteriorate. Having a partner confers survival benefits when times are hard. That’s the only benefit I see.
I wish you all the best luck in finding a good wife. My understanding is that your country’s traditional culture is more conducive to finding a partner than here in the West. Here, women are more dictators than partners and male-bashing has become accepted.
Some time ago I tried on-line match-making. After looking at thousands of profiles I realized that not one – not a single one of them said anything about what they would bring to a relationship. It was all gimme, gimme – they want the moon, the stars, the heavens and eternal happiness and they want someone else to give it to them. No wonder Western women become disappointed and bitter bitches.
So I truly wish you all the best finding a good partner. Hope she doesn’t become Westernized.
Wow, I really liked your blog post here. I married a chinese woman, who always has an opinion but really knows how to take care of me. Sometimes she does too much for me and I have to tell her to go relax, I’ll do the dishes. I believe that if you truly worship your wife and treat her as the love of your life,..You will have a long happy life.
I appreciate your perspective. Respect is the foundation of a lasting relationship. Enjoy a long happy life!
Or that is what you will tell yourself once she’s trained you to kiss her derriere.
Being a female of the species I was expecting to be either appalled by a generalistic whine as seen on other sites or entertained by recognising my own flaws. I experienced neither by reading yoru article, I mostly felt like you were discussing another species altogether.
Perhaps it’s the cultural difference (outback Australian from poor convict stock), in any case I am intrigued by the alienation.
I appreciate your considered comment. As you’ve noticed, my aim was not to criticize but to provide a different perspective. There’s only two sides to a coin but many different sides to life.
For what it’s worth, the article was written from a Canadian perspective. Not being very familiar with Australia, although the few Aussies I’ve met were a fun-loving, large-living bunch – I’m not sure how much cultural difference there is between us.
Accurate observations. Had me thinking about everyone I know and reflecting on my own self. I’m proud to say that I can see it from both sides, having grown up as a tomboy. Laughed out loud a few times. I only wish that you’d have written a version of this for me in my early twenties, though I’d have likely not been ready to read it back then. Thanks for sharing.
I’m glad you enjoyed it. It’s said that advice serves only the person giving it. I can see why because I found that writing it 13 years ago made me examine my opinions and lighten up a few of them. Re-reading it recently served the same purpose. I posted it because I believe that knowledge is useless if it’s not shared.