Reading time: 2,990 words, 7 to 12 minutes including the jokes that follow.

The last few years, I’ve received a number of “It’s great to be a man” type of jokes. It’s always women who send me these jokes. Perhaps women are beginning to suspect they’ve short-changed themselves by allowing themselves to be led down the garden path. One can only hope. Read on.

If there were a God, I’d thank her every night for two things; not making me a woman, and keeping me single. Based on considerable observation I’ve concluded that North American women are “make-work projects.” Most of them create their own work. As a bachelor, I do a fraction of the household work most women do. And yet my home and clothes are reasonably clean, the fridge is well stocked and I cook more of my own food (and better) than most women I know.

I cannot understand why you use a coffee cup only once. I use the same cup all week and rinse it between uses. Some women freak out when they hear that.

Women often rationalize their heavy workload because they have to look after hubby and the kids. But, a hubby and kids don’t create ten times the work I do as a bachelor. Much of women’s work and self-sacrifice is unnecessary and self-induced.

Take cleaning for example. Women complain that men don’t contribute their fair share of the cleaning. Why should they? Men like dirt. Men aren’t clean-freaks. Men don’t mind getting greasy working on the car or muddy from playing ball. The odd dust-bunny under the bed doesn’t send them into hysterics. On the other hand, many women are obsessed with cleanliness. They like nothing better than soaking in the tub for an hour to get squeaky clean.

I’ve known women who have gone on a cleaning strike. They wait for hubby to notice. They might as well wait for hell to freeze. They usually end the strike long before hubby even notices the dirt let alone says anything about it. The truth is women don’t clean for men; they clean for themselves and how they see themselves in the eyes of others; their friends, their mother (& in-law) and the neighbors. If they want help cleaning they should ask their friends, their mother and the neighbors because that’s who they’re cleaning for. Of course, they would never ask such a thing. It would shatter their self-image.

After decades of ‘feminism’ women are still slaves to the eyes of others. The result is miserable, unhappy, burnt-out Super-Moms. Women have thrown off the shackles of subservience to men and chained themselves to the demands of ideology and the media. That’s freedom? So how come there aren’t enough hours in the day to do everything they are told they should want to do. That’s not freedom; that’s slavery. Read the lists below from my 'HUMOR' category on why “It’s great to be a man” and see how many of women’s problems are self-induced and you’ll see how far women still have to go before they can really stand on their own feet.

Women definitely create most of their own problems. And, to make matters worse, few of them take responsibility for their problems; it’s usually the other person’s fault i.e. her man. They say “He’s such a jerk!” to which I respond, “Ok, so why did you marry a jerk? Did somebody hold a gun to your head?” That’s denial of responsibility.

Don’t you find it odd that so many women respect their fathers whom they did not choose and have contempt for the husbands they did choose? It’s politically correct to call this “low self-esteem.” In the first place political correctness disgusts me. It’s the notion that you can pick up a piece of shit from the clean end. In the second place it’s not low self-esteem; it’s denial of responsibility.

We are saddened to hear the divorce rate is about 50% and yet we fail to realize that most of the rest are living lives of quiet desperation in unhappy marriages. Question: how many happy women do you know over the age of forty? If you know even one then that’s more than I’ve ever met.

It doesn’t surprise me that some men “import” their brides from overseas. It’s not because foreign women are subservient; it’s that they have somewhat more realistic expectations (at least until they become “North Americanized.”) Modern North American women want to have their cake and eat it too. They expect both marriage and independence. They expect both family and freedom. Women pretend these contradictions are simply part of the nature of womanhood thus denying that such contradictory expectations are impossible to achieve. When women’s expectations are unrealistic; when they expect more than they deserve, more than is possible and then deny responsibility for their choices, that’s a guarantee for failure and unhappiness. Small wonder there’s so many bitches and sad ladies.

A colleague of mine once complained about the endless projects his wife had him doing. “First she had me rip up the hedge and put in a flower bed. Then next year she had me rip up the flower bed and put in a lawn. Then she had me rip up the lawn and put in a hedge. Now she has me ripping up the hedge to put in a flower bed again. When will she ever make up her mind?”

I bit my tongue and kept silent. I didn’t have the heart to tell him she knows exactly what she wants. She made up her mind long ago to keep him busy doing make-work projects. Women hate to see a man with time on his hands because it’s a reminder that much of women’s work is unnecessary. Many women even hate to see a man reading a book because it means he has time that could be better employed on unnecessary make-work projects.

Several years ago, I attended another company’s 75th anniversary. I accompanied one of our senior sales reps as well as a mechanic who had restored an old motor grader that he drove in the anniversary parade. The three of us and the mechanic’s wife stayed at a three room suite where we planned to meet after the day’s activities before going out for dinner.

The mechanic’s wife was there when I arrived so we waited for the other two. She was watching TV. As soon as I began reading my book she started a conversation. We chatted a bit, she went back to her TV and no sooner did I pick up my book and start reading when she started another conversation. I put down the book and chatted a few minutes before she went back to her TV again. I thought, “she’s not going to do this a third time is she?” No sooner did I start to read again when she struck up another conversation.

After going back to her TV, I picked up my book and went to my room. No sooner did I start reading and she’s standing in the doorway flapping her lips again. I got up, said “Excuse me” and slammed the door shut.

Needless to say we did NOT have a foursome for dinner. I did however, have a very entertaining dinner with an experienced sales rep who had many colorful stories to tell. There’s a lesson here. Be true to yourself and the idiots self-edit themselves out of your life.

Recently, in a brief moment of temporary insanity, I let it be known that I might consider marriage in my retirement. It would be nice to have a partner to bounce ideas off, to act as a sounding board and drag me back to reality when I got too far into the stratosphere.

When word spread about my matrimonial inclination, a number of husbands and several wives took me aside (never with significant others present) and told me I was crazy to give up my freedom. Then my brother called and suggested I do the on-line match-making thing. It doesn’t cost anything unless you want to contact someone; then you need to buy a membership.

So I did two different match-making services. I completed my profile as honestly as I could because that would determine the type of profiles they would send me to review. Being the ripe age of 61, I selected an age range of 45 to 65 (baby boomers.)

Over six months I looked at between a dozen to twenty profiles a day that totaled two to three thousand profiles. Some were funny; some were sad but all of them had no problem describing themselves and what they wanted in a relationship. Many wanted the sun, the moon, the stars and all the heavens.

However, it finally occurred to me that not one – not a single one said anything about what they would bring to a relationship. It was all gimme, gimme, gimme (typical self-indulgent boomers). I finally came to my senses when I realized I was not prepared to give up my freedom for a dictatorship. I wanted a partner, not a slave-driver.

In any case, that’s why I’m a happy-go-lucky bachelor. I refuse to marry a “make-work project”, I refuse to live with someone who thinks relaxing with a book is a sin and I refuse to take the blame for someone else’s undeserved unhappiness

Compared to the rest of the world, we have so much to be thankful for…..yet why are so many women miserable? The answer I think is denial of responsibility combined with unrealistic expectations. Living a lie creates unhappiness. Or as Janis Joplin said, “It’s not what isn’t, it’s what you wish was, that makes unhappiness.”

Another example of denial of responsibility is women’s “victimhood.” The list of items in “It’s great to be a man” jokes are funny because they’re true but it’s also sad in a way. Women use this as a crutch; “men are so lucky.” The unspoken corollary is “women are so downtrodden.” As a white male, I sometimes wish I was a visible minority (actually we are.) We make up 48% of the population, women make up 52% but everybody pretends that 48% is a tyrannical majority.)

If I were a real visible minority I could blame my shortcomings and bad choices on my minority status. As it is, we males bear our crosses in silence. We aren’t even allowed the luxury of feeling sorry for ourselves. We take the blame for everyone else’s shortcomings.

Oh, and another of life’s imponderables: if women are so great at multi-tasking, how come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time? Ok, I’m kidding but feel free to use this question at an appropriate moment. Just be prepared to sleep on the couch for a while.

I never had much use for the late Ann Landers and her judgments based on one side of the story but one of the best things she ever said was “No one can take advantage of you without your permission.” By embracing unrealistic expectations and denying responsibility for their choices, women are their own worst enemies. Good thing there’s men around to take the blame.

Now, read the lists below and you’ll see how much tragedy underlies humor and how much of our humor is based on reality.

Gerold
September 1, 2012

COOL THINGS ABOUT BEING A MAN

Yes, it’s good to be a man……

1. Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

2. Your orgasms are real. Always.

3. Your last name stays put.

4. The garage is all yours.

5. Wedding plans take care of themselves.

6. You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

7. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

8. You don’t give a rat’s ass if someone notices your new haircut.

9. Hot wax never comes near your pubic area.

10. Same work…more pay.

11. Wrinkles-add character.

12. You don’t have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

13. Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

14. If you retain water, it’s in a canteen.

15. People never glance at your chest when you’re talking to them.

16. New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

17. One mood, ALL the damn time.

18. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds.

19. A five-day vacation requires only 1 suitcase.

20. You can open all your own jars.

21. You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

22. Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

23. If you are 34 and single, nobody notices.

24. You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger’s seat.

25. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

26. You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever
thinking “He must be mad at me.”

27. No maxi-pads.

28. If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might
become lifelong friends.

29. You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

30. You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

31. You are unable to see wrinkles in clothes.

32. The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

33. Your belly usually hides your big hips.

34. One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

35. You can “do” your nails with a pocketknife.

36. Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th, in minutes.

37. The world is your urinal

By the way – No. 4 ‘The garage is all yours’ really means ONLY the garage is yours. Everything else is the wife’s. I’m amazed how many men I know practically live in the garage. One fellow I know spent so much time in the garage he added a fridge, stove, sink, bathroom and shower. He’s going through a painful divorce now. Hopefully, he’ll learn the old lesson. “I’m not going to get married again, I think I’ll just find a woman that hates me, then buy her a house.”

Another fellow I know has two Atco trailers on his property; he lives in one and the other is his office.

That’s another thing I take for granted about being single; the bathroom is all mine.

Here’s another one that shows that women are their own worst enemies:

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend

2. A companion

3. A lover

4. A brother

5. A father

6. A master

7. A chef

8. An electrician

9. A carpenter

10. A plumber

11. A mechanic

12. A decorator

13. A stylist

14. A sexologist

15. A gynecologist

16. A psychologist

17. A pest exterminator

18. A psychiatrist

19. A healer

20. A good listener

21. An organizer

22. A good father

23. Very clean

24. Sympathetic

25. Athletic

26. Warm

27. Attentive

28. Gallant

29. Intelligent

30. Funny

31. Creative

32. Tender

33. Strong

34. Understanding

35. Tolerant

36. Prudent

37. Ambitious

38. Capable

39. Courageous

40. Determined

41. True

42. Dependable

43. Passionate

44. Compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. Give her compliments regularly

46. Love shopping

47. Be honest

48. Be very rich

49. Not stress her out

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself

52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself

53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. Never to forget:

* birthdays

* anniversaries

* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer & food

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And, in the interests of fairness and equal opportunity (I almost gagged when I wrote that) here’s one from the other side of the fence – why it’s tough to be a man. However, ask yourself this: have you ever heard a man complain about these things?

IT IS TOUGH BEING A MAN

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp. If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.

If you thump her, it’s wife bashing. If she thumps you, it’s self-defense.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert. If you don’t, you’re gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist. If you don’t, you’re unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain. If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re full of yourself. If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she’s tired. If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you’re oversexed. If you don’t, there must be someone else.

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