Having long pondered humanity’s condition, I have recently developed a truly bizarre theory to explain it.

Being the über-skeptic, I believe in neither heaven nor hell and the older I get and the more I see and learn, the more I begin to doubt the very existence of earth itself. However, if I were to design the perfect hell, it would have curbs and taxes and movies and mosquitoes and laughter and incurable disease. My hell would have both love and hate; one as a counterpoint to the other. It would have politicians, thieves, scoundrels and mass murderers as well as good, decent people. And every so often, the better of us die young and are plucked from misery which is why the good die young. This is a training ground for heaven and failure prolongs the stay in hell. I haven’t had anyone agree with me. They can’t. It’s not designed that way.

In a perfect hell, most of the inhabitants would earn barely enough to feed themselves but to prevent the inhabitants from truly understanding their condition, there would be a few regions with an above-average amount of wealth and a tiny fraction of inhabitants would have enormous wealth that the rest would aspire to and so very few of the impoverished inhabitants would question their poverty as they aspired to a greater wealth that they would never achieve.

The leaders of this hell would try to solve symptoms rather than identify the root cause of problems which would inevitably lead to more problems and more fruitless attempts to treat ever increasing symptoms; a condition known as insanity which a genius named Einstein once described as doing the same thing over and over and hoping for a different result.

In this hell, the inhabitants would ingest cockroach & rat poison called fluoride; a waste-product of the aluminum smelting industry once headed by the chairman of the largest aluminum producer and also Secretary of Health who, after one year of a ten year study, forced many of hell’s inhabitants to accept this poison which admittedly strengthens tooth enamel and helps prevent cavities when applied topically (on the surface) but acts as a slow poison when applied systemically i.e. ingested as fluoride treated water thus relieving aluminum smelters of the burden of disposing their waste waste as well as being scraped from the chimney stacks of fertilizer manufacturers to produce an industrial grade (not pharmaceutical grade) fluoride rife with arsenic, lead, radioactive contamination and other toxins and, when combined with chlorine increases water’s acidity to leach lead from the solder in water pipes as well as increasing heavy metal accumulation in bodies; all of which is supported by many so-called health authorities who soothe the concerns of hell’s inhabitants with admonitions that a little bit of poison is necessary to help disadvantaged minorities who are too friggin’ stupid to regularly brush their teeth.

The perfect hell would have the risk-manager of the bankrupt Lehman Bros appointed as Vice President and Treasurer to the World Bank whose own President would laud her “extensive background in the financial industry and a demonstrated record of leadership, innovation, and integrity” while the fawning media morons would dutifully report it verbatim without ever questioning the sanity of the appointment.

If I designed hell it would have the illusion of freedom because many of the inhabitants would be able to vote for their leaders never realizing it did not make an iota of difference who they voted for because the candidates were all sociopaths who believed their own lies nor what party they voted for because ultimately they differed in name only as their goals were identical which is to say that they fostered the notion that only governments were capable of solving their problems most of which were caused by governments in the first place.

The perfect hell would have insanity so rampant they would boil water with nuclear reactors powered with fissile material some of which remains poisonous for billions of years in order to drive electricity generating turbines operated by complete imbeciles incapable of repairing them when they fail and who built not just one but six of them so close to each other that if just one met with disaster all six would be abandoned to suffer the same fate and they would be precariously situated not only close to an earthquake and tsunami-prone geologic fault but on the shore of the largest ocean which, when radioactively contaminated, its currents would spread throughout hell and eventually poison the sea food of all the inhabitants.

In a perfect hell, 90% of computers would take forever to boot up, even longer to power down, they’d be built on an unstable platform that requires constant updating, they’d be prone to constant crashing with error messages like, “Windows has stopped working” and be designed by an Alfred E. Neuman look-alike who made billions of dollars intimidating competitors and imitating better products.

If I designed the perfect hell, the most powerful group of its inhabitants would bully the rest into submitting to exploitation by soulless corporations or suffer military invasion and the threat of nuclear war would be used as necessary instruments for peace and global prosperity while the national security of that group whose war-mongering President as well as the leader of a foreign terrorist organization are both awarded the Nobel Peace Prize unquestioningly accepted by a complicit mainstream media forming an integral part of a propaganda machine where war is peace, ignorance is bliss, black is white and supporting a culture with an embedded cult of killing that pervaded it’s movies, television and video games.

The perfect hell would be based on an incomprehensible economic system designed by a former central banker with markedly socialist leanings who believed that only governments, the source of most evil and the architect of all social, political and economic problems was solely responsible for fixing the very problems that quasi-sociopathic governments created in the first place and to perpetuate this insanity, governments would control the education of most of hell’s inhabitants in a vast Stockholm Syndrome so that they believed the government is actually supposed to help them when, in fact, the governments’ primary function is to support and enable an obscenely wealthy and parasitic elite in sucking up devalued assets from hell’s inhabitants after the governments’ Ponzi scheme counterfeiting currency out of thin air inevitably causes economies to crash and throw vast numbers of hell’s inhabitants out of work and onto the mercy of temporary government safety nets supported by the few heavily-taxed inhabitants who remain employed.

In a perfect hell, the most powerful nation would have perpetual electioneering and no governing by the politicians who stood around with their thumbs up their nether regions while Wall street regulators, most of whom originated from Wall Street in a revolving door merry-go-round, watched the obscenely greedy and swindling, grifter banksters loot the nation into depths of poverty you’d expect to find in a banana republic while waging five costly foreign wars and planning the invasion of several others, all in the name of peace none of which would be questioned by the ass media all of whom are controlled by a handful of soulless corporations.

In this hell, a candidate for the Nobel Peace Prize, Irena Sendler, part of the Polish underground who, during World War II, saved thousands of Jewish children by helping to smuggle them out of the Warsaw Ghetto, was caught by the Nazis, beaten severely, had both arms and legs broken and was overlooked by the Nobel committee who instead awarded the Peace Prize to both the President of the most powerful group of hell’s inhabitants who then became the greatest war-mongering President in history by instigating five wars at the same time and another Peace Prize awarded to a former Vice-President for his documentary on global warming which has since been exposed as a hoax based on junk science and which has now been replaced by another hoax called “climate change” the implementation of which would allow Wall Street banksters to reap enormously obscene commissions and bonuses by trading artificial financial instruments created out of thin air called ‘carbon credits’ which would, of course, be blessed by governments as a thinly disguised new tax designed to further impoverish hell’s inhabitants who seem incapable of understanding why they just never seem to get ahead.

In this perfect hell, insanity would be prevail and it would be so prevalent it would be accepted as normal behavior so those who are sane would be seen as deviant and anyone questioning this would be deemed a terrorist.

In this hell, sentences exposing unpleasant truths would be a paragraph long.

However, most important of all, the perfect hell would be one where the inhabitants did NOT know they were in hell because that would make their pain, suffering and torment so much more exquisite, inexplicable and barely bearable.

Gerold
August 15, 2011

Postscript: as I uncover more hellish forms of torment, I’ll add them here.
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In hell, food and drug regulators would test “sugar-free” Aspartame at room temperatures where it is relatively benign rather than at body temperature where Aspartame breaks down into various compounds, three of which include aspartic acid (ant sting venom), methyl hydrate (gas-line antifreeze) and such quantities of formaldehyde (embalming fluid) that one sugar-free soft drink contains 250 times the daily allowable limit for orange juice and where long-time soft drink imbibers are unable to have open-casket funerals because the formaldehyde oozing from their skin washes off the undertaker’s make-up and when exhumed even after long burials, their corpses are still well preserved. – Aug. 16, 2011
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The history books of hell are written by morons for morons who have been made to believe in the “Great Man” theory; that major turning points in history are engineered by special individuals thus fostering the complacency of hell’s inhabitant’s and diminishing the impact that each of hell’s inhabitants actually has such that Martin Luther is credited with initiating the Protestant Reformation by nailing his 95 theses (rants) on a church door when, in fact, society was ready for a major shift because thousands of inhabitants were fed up with Church corruption so Luther merely provided a spark to the powder keg just like future historians will likely credit the impoverished Tunisian fruit peddler setting himself ablaze to protest repressive economic conditions thus initiating the uprising and revolutions in the Middle East part of hell inhabited by millions who were already fed up with their deteriorating situation, aided and abetted by the cell phones and social media that also assisted revolutions in the Western part of hell where such technology is threatened with cancellation and the denial of free speech. – Aug. 18, 2011

Sauce, originally invented to disguise the taste of rancid food, is now used as a marketing ploy by industrialists to dispose garbage like spare ribs which are mostly bone and fat as well as chicken wings which are mostly skin, bone and fat so, as a result, the inhabitants of Hell are actually paying the industrialist to buy garbage that was once converted to dog food or disposed at landfill sites and now, smothered in tasty sauce, this garbage is recycled through their bodies to the detriment of their health and ever-expanding waist lines (or should that be waste-lines?) – Nov. 12, 2011

In my perfect hell, millions would mourn the death of a pop singer Whitney Houston while 100’s of millions are starving to death and no one cares. – Feb, 2012

The perfect hell would lack the practice of rescinding one old law for every new law that was passed so that eventually it would have over 100,000 laws and by-laws, none of which are taught in public schools and all of which cannot possibly be remembered by the judges, lawyers and the very legislators who introduce and pass the laws and yet ignorance of the law is deemed to be an insufficient excuse for a defense. – May 14, 2013

The perfect hell would have laws against texting while driving and, in some jurisdictions, prohibit all use of cell phones while driving to prevent distracted drivers causing accidents and yet, those who enforce these laws would have police stations adorned with large and bright signs continually flashing rapidly changing community messages that constantly distract the attention of drivers. – October 5, 2014

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Heaven has a wall, a gate, and a strict immigration policy.
Hell has open borders.
Let that sink in.
– Oct 24, 2018

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