<strong>In spite of all the grim news, there’s always room for some humor. There’s more than 700 pages in Volume 3 below.
As well, there are more than 900 pages of jokes, cartoons and funny stuff in <a href=”https://geroldblog.com/2013/01/27/humor-jokes-n-stuff-vol-2/”>Volume 2</a> and over 1,000 pages in</strong> <a href=”https://geroldblog.com/2011/11/04/humor/”>Humor, Jokes ‘n Stuff – Vol. 1</a></strong>
<strong>New ones will be posted here periodically with the newest at the top. Enjoy!</strong>
<span style=”color:#ff0000;”><strong>Last updated Sept 2, 2017 </strong></span>
WIFE IS SCARED ABOUT BEING STRANDED ON A DESERTED ISLAND
An elderly couple was flying to Hawaii for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 50th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the captain announces, “Ladies and gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news. Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives.”
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later, the husband turns to his wife and asks, “Honey, did we pay the car bill this month?”
“No, sweetheart,” she responds.
Sill shaken from the crash landing, he then asks, “Did we pay our credit card bill yet?”
“Oh no! I’m sorry. I forgot to send the check,” she says.
“One last thing, did you remember to pay the medical bill for the hospital visit last month?” he asks.
“Oh, forgive me, sweetheart,” begged the wife. “I didn’t send that one, either.”
The husband grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 50 years. She pulls away and asks him, “What was the hug for?”
The husband answers, “They’ll find us!”
Allegedly, this letter was sent to employees at a major employer in Calgary.
As the CEO of this organization, I have resigned myself to the fact that Rachel Notley is our NDP Alberta Premier and that our taxes and government fees will increase in a BIG way. To compensate for these increases, our prices would have to increase by about10%. But, since we cannot increase our prices right now, due to the dismal state of the economy, we will have to lay off 60 of our employees, instead.
This really has been bothering me, since I believe that we are family here, and I didn’t know how to choose who would have to go.
So, this is what I did. I walked through our parking lot and found 60 ‘NDP bumper stickers’ on our employees’ cars and have decided that these folks will be the ones to let go. I can’t think of a more fair way to approach this problem.
They voted for change, so I gave it to them.
I’ll see the rest of you at the annual company picnic!
In the great days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to an South African bush outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.
After welcoming his replacement and showing the usual courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches etc) which protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet my Adjutant, Captain Smithers, He’s my right-hand man and is really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”
Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a hunchback, one eyed, toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.
“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”
”Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of…..”
At that point, the colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, he can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to f**k off.”
British humour: absolutely politically incorrect!
It has been announced that the police are going to be allowed to use water cannons on rioters. They are putting some in Persil washing powder to stop the coloureds from running.
Two Muslims have crashed a speedboat into the Thames barrier in London . Police think it might be the start of Ram-a-dam.
Following the riots in Tottenham, it’s important to remind ourselves that not all black people are stereotypical liars, thieves and arsonists. Many are drug dealers.
Riots in Birmingham last month caused over £1 million worth of improvements
Muslims have gone on the rampage in Manchester, killing anyone who’s English.. Police fear the death toll could be as high as 8 or 9.
They’ve had to cancel the pantomime ‘Jack & the Beanstalk’ in Birmingham, Bristol, Oldham, Bradford, Burnley, Leicester, Manchester and London. Apparently the giant couldn’t smell any Englishmen.
Years ago it was suggested that, “An apple a day keeps the doctor away.” But, since all the doctors are now Muslim, I’ve found that a bacon sandwich works great!
Police in London have found a bomb outside a mosque…
They’ve told the public not to panic as they’ve managed to push it inside.
During last night’s high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for the Birmingham City council said “We didn’t even know they were living up there”.
Jamaican minorities in the UK have complained that there are not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pick pocketed.
How could anyone stoop so low.
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”
AVOCADOS AND MORE
Avocados and milk.
A wife asks her husband, “Could you please go shopping for me and buy
one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6”.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The
wife asks him, “Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?”
He replied, “They had avocados.”
Note: If you’re a woman, I’m sure you’re going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.
Water in the carburetor.
WIFE : “There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous ”
WIFE : “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor.”
HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out.
Where’s the car?”
WIFE : “In the pool”
HE MUST PAY.
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, “He
fought with me again, I am coming to live with you.”
Mom said, “No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to
live with you”.
Today’s Short Reading from the Bible.
From Genesis: “And God promised men that good and obedient wives would
be found in all corners of the earth.”
Then He made the earth round … and He laughed and laughed and laughed.
What My Mother Taught Me
- My mother taught me to appreciate a job well done.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
- My mother taught me religion.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
- My father taught me about time travel.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
- My father taught me logic.
” Because I said so, that’s why.”
- My mother taught me more logic.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
- My mother taught me foresight.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
- My father taught me irony.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
- My mother taught me about the science of osmosis.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
- My mother taught me about contortionism.
“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
- My mother taught me about stamina.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
- My mother taught me about weather.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
- My mother taught me about hypocrisy.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”
- My father taught me the circle of life.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”
- My mother taught me about behaviour modification.
“Stop acting like your father!”
- My mother taught me about envy.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
- My mother taught me about anticipation.
“Just wait until we get home.”
- My mother taught me about receiving.
“You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”
- My mother taught me medical science.
“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”
- My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
- My father taught me humour.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
- My mother taught me how to become an adult.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
- My mother taught me genetics.
“You’re just like your father.”
- My mother taught me about my roots.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
- My mother taught me wisdom.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.
- My father taught me about justice.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
Checks in the Bear
Two guys were walking in the woods one day, and they all of a sudden came across a bear. The bear noticed them, and started growling and generally getting really mean.
The bear started to chase one of the guys, who, as it turns out, was from Czechoslovakia. The bear soon caught up with him, and ate him alive. The other guy turned around and ran for his life.
A little while later, the second guy found a park ranger station and told his story. The ranger took his gun, and they both went out in search of the bear, in order to destroy it.
Soon, they came across two bears, one male, and one female. The ranger turned to the other guy and said: “Quick… tell me which bear ate your friend!” The ranger levelled his gun and got ready to shoot.
“I’m not really sure,” said the other guy, “they both look similar.”
“QUICK! Make up your mind!” said the ranger.
“O.K.,” said the other, “it was the male.”
The ranger promptly aimed and shot the female bear. The male ran off. Using his knife, the ranger cut open the belly of the female and found the body of the other man.
“But why didn’t you shoot the male when I thought it was the male who ate my friend?” the other man asked.
“Well,” said the ranger…
“I never trust anyone who says that the Czech’s in the male!”
Three Grandmas and a Grandpa
Three old Grandmas were sitting on a bench outside the nursing home when an old Grandpa walked by.
One of the old Grandmas yelled out, ‘Hey, we bet we can tell exactly how old you are!’
The old man said, ‘There is no way you can guess my age!’
One of the Grandmas said, ‘Sure we can! Just drop your pants and undershorts and we can tell your exact age.’
Embarrassed, but anxious to prove they couldn’t do it, he dropped his drawers.
The Grandmas asked him to first turn around a couple of times and then jump up and down several times.
Determined to prove them wrong, he did it.
Then they all said in unison, ‘You’re 87-years-old!’
Standing with his pants down around his ankles, the old gent asked, ‘How in the world did you guess my age?’
Slapping their knees, high-fiving and grinning from ear to ear, the three old ladies happily crowed…..
‘We were at your birthday party yesterday.’
JEWISH TIE SALESMAN
A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack – selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, “Do you have water?”
The Jewish man replied, “I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5.”
The Taliban shouted hysterically, “Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!”
“Sorry, I have none – just ties – pure silk – and only $5.”
“Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you but… I must conserve my energy and find water!”
“Okay,” said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need… Go In Peace.”
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he crawled back to the old Jewish man, almost dead and gasped…
“They won’t let me in without a tie.”
DUCKS IN HEAVEN !!!
Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, ‘We only have one rule here in heaven: Don’t step on the ducks!’
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, ‘Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!’
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing.
With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on …. Very tall, long eyelashes, muscular.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, ‘I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?’
The guy says, ‘I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.
MUSLIMS ON STAR TREK
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a United States Marine Corps General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, “I have just one question about what I have seen in America .”
The General said, “Well, is there anything I can do to help?”
The Iranian whispered, “My son watches this show called ‘Star Trek’ and in it there is… Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, and Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why there aren’t any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on ‘Star Trek’.
“The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, “That’s because it takes place in the future…”
Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, with a warning from the
Mother Superior not to get even a drop of paint on their habits.
After conferring about this, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the
room, strip off their habits, and paint naked…
In the middle of the project, there’s a knock at the door.
“Who is it?” calls one of the nuns.
“Blind man,” replies a voice from the other side of the door.
The two nuns look at each other and shrug, both deciding that no harm can
come from letting a blind man into the room. They open the door. The blind man walks in.
“Nice boobs,” says the man. “Where do you want the blinds?”
GOD CREATED CANADA
On the sixth day, God turned to the Archangel Gabriel and said, “Today I am going to create a land called Canada. It will be a land of outstanding natural beauty. It shall have tall majestic mountains full of mountain goats and eagles, beautiful sparkling lakes bountiful with bass and trout, forests full of elk and moose, high cliffs over-looking sandy beaches with an abundance of sea life, and rivers stocked with salmon.”
God continued, “I shall make the land rich in resources so as to make the inhabitants prosper, I shall call these inhabitants Canadians, and they shall be known as the most friendly people on the earth.”
“But Lord,” asked Gabriel, “don’t you think you are being too generous to these Canadians??”
“Not really,” replied God. “Just wait and see the winters I am going to give them!”
FEMALE MEDICAL EXAMINATION
During the medical examination of a female patient, the British doctor says, “Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure area all fine. Now, let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble.
The lady starts to take off her undies, but is interrupted by the doctor.
“No! No! Just stick out your tongue.
Little Bruce and his friend Jenny are only 10 years old, but they know they are in love.
One day they decide that they want to get married, so Bruce goes to Jenny’s father to ask him for her hand.
Bruce bravely walks up to him and says, “Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage.”
Thinking that this was just the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, “Well, Bruce, you are only 10. Where will you two live?”
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Bruce replies, “In Jenny’s room. It’s bigger than mine and we can both fit in it nicely.”
Still thinking this is just adorable,
Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, “Okay, then how will you live? You’re not old enough to get a job. You’ll need to support Jenny.”
Again, Bruce instantly replies, “Our allowance, Jenny makes five bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That’s about 60 bucks a month, so that should do us just fine.”
Mr. Smith is impressed. Bruce has put so much thought into this.
“Well Bruce, it seems like you have everything figured out. I just have one more question. What will you do if the two of you should have little children of your own?”
Bruce just shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well, we’ve been lucky so far.”
Mr. Smith no longer thinks the little shit is adorable…
DONALD TRUMP and HILLARY CLINTON IN A BAR
DONALD TRUMP and HILLARY CLINTON are in a bar.
Donald leans over, and with a smile on his face, says, “The media are really tearing you apart for ‘That Scandal’.”
Hillary: “You mean my lying about Benghazi?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the massive voter fraud?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the military not getting their votes counted?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Using my secret private server with classified material to hide my activities?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The NSA monitoring our phone calls, emails and everything else?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Using the Clinton Foundation as a cover for tax evasion, hiring cronies, and taking bribes from foreign countries?
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean the drones being operated in our own country without the benefit of the law?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Giving 123-Technologies $300 Million, and then it declared bankruptcy and was sold to the Chinese?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean arming the Muslim Brotherhood and hiring them in the White House?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Whitewater, Travelgate, the suspicious real estate deals, Vince Foster’s sudden suicide?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “The IRS targeting conservatives?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “Turning Libya into chaos?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “Trashing Mubarak, one of our Muslim friends?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “Turning our backs on Israel?”
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “The joke Iran Nuke Deal? “
Trump: “No the other one:”
Hillary: “Leaving Iraq in chaos? “
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The DOJ spying on the press?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “You mean HHS Secretary Sibelius shaking down health insurance executives?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Giving our cronies in SOLYNDRA $500 MILLION DOLLARS and 3 Months later they declared bankruptcy and then were bought by the Chinese ?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The NSA monitoring citizens?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “The State Department interfering with an Inspector General Investigation on departmental sexual misconduct?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Me, The IRS, Clapper and Holder all lying to Congress?”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “Threats to all of Bill’s former mistresses to keep them quiet”
Trump: “No, the other one.”
Hillary: “I give up! … Oh wait, I think I’ve got it! When I stole the White House furniture, silverware and China when Bill left Office?”
Trump: “THAT’S IT! I almost forgot about that one”.
AN IRISH MIRACLE
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.
He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.
He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen.
But he won’t say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.
He leads Fr.Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.
“Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top.”
“No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy
“Oh my Lord,” says Fr. Flanagan, “dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It’s a mir….
Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it. He’ll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc.”
A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.
Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.
“It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.
Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side.
As a woman passed her daughter’s closed bedroom door, she heard
a strange buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed her daughter with a vibrator.
Shocked, she asked: ‘what in the world are you doing?’
The daughter replied: ‘mom, I’m thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
The next day, the girl’s father heard the same buzz coming from the other side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he observed his daughter making passionate love to her vibrator.
To his query as to what she was doing, the daughter said: ‘dad I’m thirty-five, unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I’ll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me alone.’
A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip, placed the groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that buzzing noise coming from, of all places, the living room.
She entered that area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, downing a cold beer, and staring at the TV.
The vibrator was next to him on the couch, buzzing like crazy.
The wife asked: ‘What are you doing?’
The husband replied: ‘I’m watching football with my son-in-law.
SELF EXAMINATION FOR ALZHEIMER’S DISEASE
If you are over 40 yrs. old, you SHOULD take this Alzheimer’s Test.
See how fast can you guess these words and fill-in the blanks?
1. _ _NDOM
2. F_ _K
You got all 6 wrong….didn’t you?
You do NOT have Alzheimer’s.
You are a Pervert.
ON THE OTHER HAND
Abbott and Costello give one of the best explanations of the unemployment rate.
COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.
ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It’s 7.8%.
COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?
ABBOTT: No, that’s 14.7%.
COSTELLO: You just said 7.8%.
ABBOTT: 7.8% Unemployed.
COSTELLO: Right 7.8% out of work.
ABBOTT: No, that’s 14.7%.
COSTELLO: Okay, so it’s 14.7% unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, that’s 7.8%.
COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 7.8% or 14.7%?
ABBOTT: 7.8% are unemployed. 14.7% are out of work.
COSTELLO: If you are out of work, you are unemployed.
ABBOTT: No, Congress said you can’t count the “Out of Work” as the unemployed.
You have to look for work to be unemployed.
COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!
ABBOTT: No, you miss the point.
COSTELLO: What point?
ABBOTT: Someone who doesn’t look for work can’t be counted with those who look
for work. It wouldn’t be fair.
COSTELLO: To whom?
ABBOTT: The unemployed.
COSTELLO: But ALL of them are out of work.
ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of
work gave up looking and if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the
COSTELLO: So if you’re off the unemployment roles, that would count as less
ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!
COSTELLO: The unemployment goes down just because you don’t look for work?
ABBOTT: It absolutely goes down. That’s how it gets to 7.8%. Otherwise it
would be 14.7%.
COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring
down the unemployment number?
ABBOTT: Correct. Two ways.
COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?
COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?
COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the
two is to have people stop looking for work.
ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like an economist.
COSTELLO: I don’t even know what the hell I just said!
ABBOTT: Now you’re thinking like a politician!
THE MIND OF A WIFE!
“Honey it’s me. I don’t want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office. Paula brought me to the hospital.
They have checked me over and done some tests and some x-rays.
The blow to my head was severe. Fortunately it did not cause any serious internal injury. However I have three broken ribs, I have a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot.”
“Who is Paula?”
AN ALBERTA LOVE STORY
Alan and Sandra lived on a cove at Gull Lake Alberta.
It was early winter and the lower portion of the cove had frozen over.
Alan asked Sandra if she would walk across the frozen part of the cove to the general store and get him some smokes and beer.
She asked him for some money, but he told her, “Nah, just put it on our tab.
Old man Stacey won’t mind.”
So Sandra, being the good wife walked across the ice, got the smokes and beer at the store and then walked back home across the cove.
When she got home with the items she said, “Alan, you always tell me not to run up the tab at Stacey’s store.
Why didn’t you just give me some money?”
Alan replied, “Well, Sandra, I didn’t want to send you out there with cash when I wasn’t sure how thick the ice was!”
SOME CLEVER SIGNS
In a shoe repair shop: We will heel you. We will save your sole. We will even dye for you.
In a gynecologist’s office: Dr. Jones, at your cervix.
In a podiatrist’s office: Time wounds all heels.
In an optometrist’s office: If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.
On a plumber’s truck: We repair what your husband fixed.
On a maternity-room door: “Push. Push. Push.”
In a veterinarian’s waiting room: Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!
In a restaurant window: Don’t stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.
In the front yard of a funeral home: Drive carefully. We’ll wait.
At a propane filling station: Thank Heaven for little grills.
Sign on the back of a septic-tank truck: Caution – This Truck is full of political promises.
THOUGHTS FOR THE DAY
1. I’m not saying let’s go kill all the stupid people. I’m just saying let’s remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.
2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
3. You can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she’s probably pissed.
4. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you’ve just met? That’s common sense leaving your body.
5. I don’t like making plans for the day. Because then the word “premeditated” gets thrown around in the courtroom.
6. I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes 1,500 days in a row.
7. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
8. Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers: If you find one, what’s your plan?
9. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.
YOUNG POLAR BEAR
A young polar bear came into his den and asked his mother, “Mom, am I a real polar bear?”
“Of course you are.” His mother replied.
The young polar bear asked his father. “Dad, am I a real polar bear?”
“Yes, you are a real polar bear.”
A week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, “Are grandma and grandpa real polar bears?”
“Yes” said his parents.
Another week passed and the young polar bear asked his parents, “Are all my relatives real polar bears?”
“Yes, they are all real polar bears.” said his parents.
“Why do you ask?” inquired his mother.
“Because,” said the young polar bear, “I’m f**king freezing!
PECANS IN THE CEMETERY
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence. One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me,’ said one boy.Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he heard, ‘One for you, one for me, one for you, one for me…’
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
‘Come here quick,’ said the boy, ‘you won‘t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls!’
The man said, ’Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.’ When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery.
Standing by the fence they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.’
The old man whispered, ‘Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, ‘One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now… let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.’
They say the old man had the lead for a good half-mile, before the kid on the bike passed him.
NOMINATED THE BEST JOKE OF 2015 …
A Syrian arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to Canada.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. Canadian, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, monthly income support, free medical care, free housing, free dental and a free education!”
The passer-by says, “You are mistaken, I am Egyptian.”
The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada.”
The person says, “I not Canadian, I am Pakistani.”
The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, “Thank you for wonderful country Canada.”
That person pulls up his hand and says, “I am from Afghanistan. I am not Canadian.”
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you a Canadian woman?”
She says, “No, I am from Africa.” Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the Canadians?”
The African lady checks her watch and says, “Probably at work.”
Grandpa and grandma were watching the television evangelical show and the preacher said, if the viewers at home wanted to be healed, place one hand on the television set and the other hand on the body part where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead.”
GREEK AND ITALIAN
A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.
Over coffee, the Greek says “Well, we built the Parthenon.”
The Italian replies “We built the Coliseum.”
The Greek retorts “We Greeks gave birth to mathematics.”
The Italian, nodding, says “But we built the Roman Empire”.
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says “We invented sex!”
The Italian replies “That is true, but it was the Italians who included women.
THE ONION ON ERGONOMICS
Health Experts Recommend Standing Up At Desk, Leaving Office, Never Coming Back
Via: The Onion:
In an effort to help working individuals improve their fitness and well-being, experts at the Mayo Clinic issued a new set of health guidelines Thursday recommending that Americans stand up at their desk, leave their office, and never return.
“Many Americans spend a minimum of eight hours per day sitting in an office, but we observed significant physical and mental health benefits in subjects after just one instance of standing up, walking out the door, and never coming back to their place of work again,” said researcher Claudine Sparks, who explained that those who implemented the practice in their lives reported an improvement in mood and reduced stress that lasted for the remainder of the day, and which appeared to persist even into subsequent weeks.
Sparks added that Americans could maximize positive effects by using their lunch break to walk until nothing looks familiar anymore and your old life is a distant memory.
A southern farmer got in his pickup and drove several miles to a neighboring farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. A young boy, about 12, opened the door. “Is yer pa home?” he asked.
“No sir, he sure ain’t,” the boy replied. “He went to town.”
“Well,” said the farmer. “Is yer ma home?”
“No, she ain’t here either. She went to town with pa.” “Well, then, how about yer brother, Joe, is he here?” “No sir, he went with pa and ma.”
The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.
“Is there anything I kin do fer ya’?” inquired the young boy politely. “I know where all the tools are, if you want to borry one; Or maybe I could take a message fer pa.”
Well,” said the farmer uncomfortably, “I really wanted to talk to yer pa. It’s about your brother Joe getting my daughter, Pearly Mae, pregnant.”
The boy considered for a moment. “You would have to talk to pa about that,” he finally conceded. “I know that pa charges $500 for the bull and $250 for the boar hog, but I really don’t know how much he gets for Joe.”
CANADA REVENUE CALLED
Message on my answering machine allegedly from Constable So-and-So from supposedly Canada Revenue Agency saying that somebody had done such-and-such in my name and if I didn’t call this number immediately they would arrest me. “Have a nice day and God bless you.”
After I stopped laughing … I thought … wait a minute! A roof over my head, no rent, three square meals a day, benefits, no taxes, learn a trade and my company pension plan keeps compounding.
I called, gave them my address and told them to hurry …
VIRGIN BRIDE’S FOURTH WEDDING
A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.
“Of course, madam,” replied the sales clerk, “exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?”
The bride-to-be said, “A long frilly white dress with a veil.”
“Please don’t take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning.”
“WELL!,” replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk’s directness,
“I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.
You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.
My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.”
“What about your third husband?”
“That one was a Democrat”, said the woman, “and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be…but nothing ever happened.”
Environment Canada has issued a travel warning due to snowfall and bad road conditions.
They suggest that anyone travelling in the current icy conditions should ensure they have the following:
Blankets or sleeping bag
Extra clothing including hat and gloves
24 hours of food
Flashlight with spare batteries
Road Flares or Reflective Triangles
Full gas Can
First Aid Kit
I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning!
A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.
Three women, one from England, one from Wales and one from Scotland were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.
The English woman said, “Have you ever had a hug?”
The man said “No.” So she gave him a hug and walked on.
The Welsh woman said, “Have you ever had a kiss?”
The man said, “No.” So she gave him a kiss and walked on.
The Scottish woman came to him and said, “Ave ya ever been f**ked, laddie?”
The man broke into a big smile and said, “No.”
She said, “Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in.”
NO ONE BELIEVES SENIORS
No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.
An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired.
Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they’d shared, where Andy had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home.
There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars! Andy said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?
Sally said, No.
Andy said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning. Andy said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We’re outta here!
MY DADDY SLEEPS NAKED
“Late again!” the third-grade teacher sternly said to little Ranger.
“It ain’t my fault this time, Miss Russell. You can blame this ‘un on my
Daddy. The reason I’m three hours late is my Daddy sleeps naked!”
Now, Miss Russell had taught grammar school for thirty-some-odd years.
Despite her mounting fears, she asked little Ranger what he meant by
that. Full of grins and mischief, and in the flower of his youth, little
Ranger and trouble were old friends,…… but he always told her the
“You see, Miss Russell, out at the farm we got this here low down fox.
The last few nights, he done ate six hens. Last night, when Daddy heard
a noise out in the chicken pen, he grabbed his double barreled shot gun
and said to my Ma, “That fox is back again… I’m a gonna git him!”
“Stay back,” Daddy whispered to all us kids!
“My Daddy was naked as a jaybird — no boots, no pants, no shirt! To the
hen house he crawled, just like an Injun on the snoop. Then, he stuck
that double-barreled 12-gauge shotgun through the window of the coop. As
he stared into the darkness, with a fox on his mind, our old hound dog,
Rip, had done gone and woke up and comes sneaking up behind Daddy. Then,
as we all looked on, plumb helpless, old Rip done went and stuck his
cold nose in my Daddy’s butt!”
“Miss Russell, we all been pluckin’ chickens since three o’clock this
SHORT STORY OF AN AIRLINE PILOT
“Once upon a time,” a pilot asked a beautiful princess, “Will you marry me?”
The princess said, “No!!!!”
And the pilot lived happily ever after and flew jets all over the world and drove hot cars and chased skinny, long-legged, big-breasted flight attendants and hunted and fished and went to topless bars and dated women half his age and drank Weihenstephaner German beer and Captain Morgan and never heard bitching and never paid child support or alimony and kept his house and guns and ate cold leftover meals, potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was frickin’ cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.
DOGS AT THE VET’S OFFICE
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet’s when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, ” So why are you here? ”
The Black Lab replied, “I’m a pisser. I piss on everything….the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner’s bed.” The Yellow Lab said, ” So what’s the vet going to do?” “Gonna cut my nuts off ” came the reply from the Black Lab. “They reckon it’ll calm me down.”
The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked “Why are you here ” The Yellow Lab said, “I’m a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I’m inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners’ couch.” “So what are they going to do to you? ” the Black Lab inquired. “Looks like I’m losing my nuts too,” the dejected Yellow Lab said.
The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, “Why are you here?” “I’m a humper,” said the Great Dane. “I’ll hump anything. I’ll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.” “Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn’t help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away.”
The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
“So, it’s nuts off for you too, huh?”
The Great Dane said, “No. Apparently I’m here to get my nails clipped!”
THE DEAF ITALIAN BOOKKEEPER
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing and would therefore never have to testify in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about the missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, “Ask him where the money is.”
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where’s the money?
Guido signs back, “I don’t know what you are talking about.” The lawyer tells the Godfather, “He says he doesn’t know what you are talking about.”
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido’s head and says, “Ask him again or I’ll kill him!”
The lawyer signs to Guido, “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him.”
Guido trembles and signs back, “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno’s house.”
The Godfather asks the lawyer, “What did he say?”
The lawyer replies, “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”
You gotta love lawyers!!
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What’s worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn’t even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn’t even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian.
What should I do?
Grow up and dump him. You don’t need him anymore! Good grief woman, you’re running for President of the United States.
Joe was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
Joe introduced himself to the woman saying, “I may look like just an ordinary man, but in just a few years, my father will die and I’ll inherit 20 million dollars.”
Very impressed, the woman obtained his business card and three days later, she became Joe’s stepmother.
Women are so much better at estate planning than men.
An old man went to a doctor for a check-up.
The doctor told him, “You’re in terrific shape. There’s nothing wrong with you. Why, you might live forever; you have the body of a 35-year-old. By the way, how old was your father when he died?”
The 60-year-old responded, “Did I say he was dead?
The doctor was surprised and asked, “How old is he and is he very active?
The 60-year-old responded, “Well, he is 82 years old and he still goes skiing three times a season and surfing three times a week during the summer.”
The doctor couldn’t believe it! So he said, “Well, how old was your grandfather when he died?”
The 60-year-old responded again, “Did I say he was dead?”
The doctor was astonished. He said, “You mean to tell me you are 60 years old and both your father and your grandfather are alive? Is your grandfather very active?”
The 60-year-old said, “He goes skiing at least once a season and surfing once a week during the summer. Not only that,” said the patient, “my grandfather is 106 years old, and next week he is getting married again.”
The doctor said, “At 106 years why on earth would your grandfather want to get married?”
His patient looked up at the doctor and said, “Did I say he wanted to?”
I MISS BILL
It doesn’t matter what party you belong to – this is good natured political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton.
“Yep, that’s right – I miss Bill Clinton!”
*He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.
*He played the sax.
*He smoked weed.
*He had his way with ugly white women.
*Even now? Look at him … his wife works, and he doesn’t! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
*Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America ‘s shelves this week with ” Clinton Soup,” in honor of one of the nations’ distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
*When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, “I don’t know, I never had one.”
*The Clinton revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.”
* Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.
A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him.
He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman hit the roof, and the horn, screaming in frustration as she missed her chance to get through the intersection.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, finger printed, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. “I noticed the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”
QUICKEST WAY IN NEWFOUNLAND
An American tourist was visiting a small village in Newfoundland.
He approached a local person and asked; “What’s the quickest way to Marystown?”
The local, scratched his head; “Are ya walkin’ ER drivin’?” He asked the stranger.
“I’m driving.” said the stranger.
“Well, that’s the quickest way.” said the Newfie.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. The first thing he said was, “Don’t.”
“Don’t what?” Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit,” God said.
“Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
Hey, Eve…we have forbidden fruit!”
“Do NOT eat the fruit!” said God.
“Because I am your Father and I said so!” God replied, wondering why he stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw his children having an apple break and he was ticked!
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit?” God, as our first parent, asked.
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you?” said the Father.
“I don’t know,” said Eve.
“She started it!” Adam said.
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus, the pattern was set and it has never changed! But there is reassurance in this story. If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what made you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
HOW THE INTERNET REALLY STARTED
HOW THE INTERNET STARTED ACCORDING TO THE BIBLE. DO NOT GOOGLE THIS ONE OR CHECK WITH SNOPES. THEY WILL LIE TO YOU. TRUST ME!
In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a healthy young wife by the name of Dorothy (Dot for short). Dot Com was a comely woman, large of breast, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why dost thou travel so far from town to town with thy goods when thou canst trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. The sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS).”
Abraham thought long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums. And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.
To prevent neighboring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures – Hebrew to The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS. And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land. Indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates’ drumheads and drumsticks.
And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. “And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or eBay as it came to be known. He said, “We need a name that reflects what we are.”
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators. ”
“YAHOO,” said Abraham. And because it was Dot’s idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham’s cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot’s drums to locate things around the countryside.
It soon became known as God’s Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
That is how it all began. And that’s the truth. Hey, I would not make up this stuff.
THE PIG WITH A WOODEN LEG
A fellow driving past a farm noticed a pig with a wooden leg. Curiosity got the better of him so he pulled into the farm yard and asked the farmer, “What’s the story with the pig with the wooden leg?”
The farmer said, ‘Well, that’s a wonderful pig. One night the house caught on fire, but the pig broke out of its pen, dragged us to safety and saved our lives. Wonderful pig!”
“That’s interesting, but what’s that go to do with his wooden leg?”
“Well, another time I was on the tractor, it flipped over, pinned me to the ground and I would have suffocated, but the pig dug me free and saved my life. Wonderful pig!”
“That also interesting, but what’s that got to do with his wooden leg?”
“Well, a wonderful pig like that … you don’t want to eat him all at once!”
THE ART COLLECTOR’S WIFE
A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called and asked to speak to his client, “Saul, I have some good news and, I have some bad news.”
The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day; let’s hear the good news first.”
The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15-20 million. I think she could be right.”
Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”
The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”
TWO BLONDES FISHING
Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, “Excuse me, ladies, I’d like to see your fishing licenses.”
“We don’t have any.” replied the first woman.
“Well, if you’re going to fish, you need fishing licenses.” said the game warden.
“But officer,” replied the second girl, “we aren’t fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we’re collecting debris off the bottom of the river.”
The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. “Well, I know of no law against it,” shrugged the game warden, “take all the debris you want.” And with that, the game warden left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. “What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn’t he know that there are Steelheads in this river?!”
TO START YOUR WEEK
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
ITS A BOY” I shouted “A BOY, I DON’T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY”. And with tears streaming down my face I swore I’d never visit another Thai Brothel!
A boy asks his granny, ‘Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?’ Granny replies, screw the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?’ Hubby looks her up and down and replies, ‘Your sense of humour!
The wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”
I woke up this morning for breakfast at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!”
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!” “Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.
I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.
LITTLE FRENCH BASTARD
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dog’s collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
“Young Leafs Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal,” he starts writing in his notebook.
“But I’m not a Leafs fan,” the little hero replied.
“Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were.” said the reporter and starts again. Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack” he continued writing in his notebook.
“I’m not a Jays fan either,” the boy said.
“I assumed everyone in Toronto was either a Leafs or Jays fan. What team, do you root for?” the reporter asked.
“I’m a Montreal Canadiens fan.” the child said.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, “Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet.”
WEEKLY BRIDGE GAME
Just Before the Weekly Bridge Game Mr. and Mrs. Jones were an average middle-aged couple who got along well enough as long as Mr. Jones didn’t put his foot in his mouth.
One day, she was running late for the weekly bridge game with her friends she was hosting, and just before she got into the shower, she gave her husband strict instructions to just let the ladies in without talking to them ‘too much…’
When she finished having her shower and was finally done, she came downstairs all dressed up for the little party, but no one was there except her husband.
Mr. Jones looked somewhat bewildered, and he began to explain immediately, “Mrs. Smith said she had been having trouble with mice in her house, and Mrs. Brown said that she just stuffed steel wool in their little holes, so I asked her who held their little legs apart.”
A cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, “You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The cowboy replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all left our home in Texas , we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I’m drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one for myself.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says,
“I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss.”
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
“Oh, no, everybody’s just fine,” he explains, “It’s just that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking.”
“Hasn’t affected my brothers though.”
THE LION AND THE MOUSE
A lion was getting married. At his wedding was a mouse shouting away and congratulating the lion.
“All the best, my brother. Good luck.”
Seeing the mouse shouting away claiming that the lion that was getting married is his brother, another lion grabs the mouse in anger and asks, “Who do you think you are? How can you be my brother? You are only a little mouse.”
The mouse replies, “Calm down, brother. I, too, was a lion before I got married.”
The year was 1947. Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, a little more than 66 years ago, numerous witnesses claim that an Unidentified Flying Object, (UFO), with five aliens aboard, crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell, New Mexico.
This is a well-known incident that many say has long been covered-up by the U.S. Air Force, as well as other Federal Agencies and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April, year 1948, nine months after the alien crash, the following people were born:
Barrack Obama Sr.
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
William J. Clinton
John F. Kerry
Charles E. Schumer
This is the obvious consequence of aliens breeding with sheep and jack-asses.
I hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you.
And now you can stop wondering why they support the bill to help all Illegal Aliens.
ALERTS TO THREATS IN 2015 EUROPE
From JOHN CLEESE
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France ‘s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels ..
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be right, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.
John Cleese ,
British writer, actor and tall person
And as a final thought – Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray. Welcome back to 430 BC.
LIFE IS TOO SHORT
A clergyman was walking down the street when he came upon a group of about a dozen boys, all of them between 10 and 12 years of age.
The group surrounded a dog. Concerned lest the boys were hurting the dog, he went over and asked “What are you doing with that dog?”
One of the boys replied, “This dog is just an old neighborhood stray. We all want him, but only one of us can take him home. So we’ve decided that whichever one of us can tell the biggest lie will get to keep the dog.”
Of course, the Reverend was taken aback. “You boys shouldn’t be having a contest telling lies!” he exclaimed. He then launched into a ten minute sermon against lying, beginning, “Don’t you boys know it’s a sin to lie?” and ending with, “Why, when I was your age, I never told a lie.”
There was dead silence for about a minute. Just as the Reverend was beginning to think he’d gotten through to them, the smallest boy gave a deep sigh and said, “All right, give him the dog.”
Two terrorists were in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class, when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his butt.
“If you do not mind me saying,” said the second terrorists, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out ?”
“I regret I cannot”, lamented the first terrorist. “It is permanently stuck into my butt.” “I do not understand,” said the other.
The first terrorist says, “I was walking along the beach when I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in an American flag with a white beard and top hat came boiling out. He said, “I am Uncle Sam, the Genie. I can grant you one wish. ”
I said, “No shit?”
THE POPE ARRIVES IN HEAVEN
The pope arrived at the pearly Gates and St. Peter greeted him and quickly told him that it was very difficult to get an audience with God.
The Pope said he did not mind because when he was alive he had the same problem.
They chuckled together over this and St. Peter said he realized the pope was probably anxious to know a few things judging from the number of times he prayed for guidance.
The pope agreed saying that he had a real hankering to see the original scriptures.
So St. Peter showed him to the room where the original manuscripts were stored. He left the old gentlemen there to search them out and soon forgot all about him.
A while later he heard a great wail coming from the room. St. Peter went to investigate and found the Pope in an awful sweat.
St. Peter asked the Pope what was wrong and this loud pitiful voice replied Oh, NO! It says C-e-l-e-b-r-a-t-e not c-e-l-e-b-a-t-e!!!-
CANADIANS IN HELL
Two guys from Toronto die and wake up in hell.
The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks them, “What are you doing? Isn’t it hot enough for you?”
The two guys reply, “Well, you know, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh.”
The devil decides that these two aren’t miserable enough and turns up the heat.
The next morning he stops in again and there they are, still dressed in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks them again, “It’s awfully hot down here, can’t you guys feel it?”
Again the two guys reply, “Well, like we told ya yesterday, we’re from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We’re just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit, eh.”
This gets the devil a little steamed up and he decides to fix these two guys. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. The people are wailing and screaming everywhere. He stops by the room with the two guys from Canada and finds them in light jackets and bucket hats, grilling sausage and drinking beer.
The devil is astonished, “Everyone down here is in abject misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves.”
The two Canadians reply, “Well, ya know, we don’t get too much warm weather up there in Toronto so we’ve just got to have a cook-out when the weather’s THIS nice.”
The devil is absolutely furious, he can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in hell.
The next morning, the temperature is below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere; people are shivering so bad that they are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth.
The devil smiles and heads for the room with the two Canadians.
He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, toques, and mittens. NOW they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men!!!
The devil is dumbfounded, “I don’t understand, when I turn up the heat you’re happy. Now it’s freezing cold and you’re still happy. What is wrong with you two???”
The Torontonians look at the devil in surprise, “Well, don’t you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Maple Leafs have won the Stanley Cup.”
An Italian, a Scotsman, and a Chinese guy are hired at a construction site. The foreman points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, “You’re in charge of sweeping.” To the Scotsman he says, “You’re in charge of shovelling.” And to the Chinese man he says, “You’re in charge of supplies.”
So the foreman goes away for a couple of hours and when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He asks the Italian, “Why didn’t you sweep any of it?”
He replies “I no hava no broom, you saida to the Chinese guy that he wasa ina charge of supplies, but he hasa disappeared and I no coulda finda him nowhere.”
The foreman turns to the Scotsman and says, “And you, I thought I told you to shovel this pile.”
He replied, “Aye, ye did lad, bit ah couldnae git masel’ a shuvl! Ye left thon wee Chinese mannie in chairge of supplies, bit ah couldnae fin’ him onywhar.”
The foreman is really pissed off now and storms off towards the pile of sand to look for the Chinese guy. As he approaches the mound, the Chinese guy leaps out from behind the sand and yells…
God looked at earth and wanted to know what kind of behaviour that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out.
So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time.
When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are not.”
God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too.
When the angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true-the Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving and 5% are being good.”
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what that E-mail said?
I didn’t get one either.
TRUCK DRIVER & BIKERS
A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner for lunch and ordered a cheeseburger, coffee and a slice of apple pie. As he was about to eat, three bikers walked in.
One grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger and took a huge bite from it. The second one drank the trucker’s coffee, and the third wolfed down his apple pie.
The truck driver didn’t say a word as he paid the waitress and left.
As the waitress walked up, one of the motorcyclists growled, “He ain’t much of a man, is he?”
“He’s not much of a driver, either,” the waitress replied. “He just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorcycles.”
GETTING MARRIED IN HEAVEN
A young couple was on their way to get married when they were involved in a fatal car accident. It was really bad, like something from a Quentin Tarantino movie.
At any rate, they soon found themselves standing in front of the pearly gates of heaven staring at St. Peter himself. Upset, but wanting to make the best of a bad situation, the woman asks St. Peter if the can get married in Heaven, since they couldn’t before they died.
“Wow,” he said, “that’s the first time in all of eternity anyone has ever asked me that. I’ll go check!”
So, for what seemed like an eternity, St. Peter was gone. Innumerable amounts of people were backing up the line at the gates of heaven. He was gone for so long, the young couple began having doubts as to whether they really wanted to be with each other for all of eternity.
Just when they were about to give up hope, St. Peter finally returned. “Good news! Looks like we can make this happen!” he said with an exhausted smile.
“Great!” replied the young man, “but before we go through with it, we were wondering… what if it doesn’t work out? Can we get a divorce in heaven?”
“Jesus Christ!” gasped St. Peter. “It took me four months to find a priest up here, do you have any idea how long it would take to find a lawyer?
A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery. Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.
A passer-by remarked, “That guy must have been a very avid fisherman.”
“Oh, he still is,” remarked one of the mourners. As a matter of fact, he’s headed off to the lake as soon as we bury his wife.
Illegal immigrants are boycotting Arizona by the thousands, showing their outrage with Arizona ‘s controversial new SB-1070 law by moving elsewhere.
In the small town of Guadalupe, AZ, Manuel Renaldo is one of those who is punishing Arizona by leaving.
As he loaded his car with his belongings and family of ten, Renaldo told this reporter through an interpreter “It’s a matter of principle; I refuse to be supported by a state that treats me like a criminal!”
The effects of the exodus are being felt by Arizona retailers, who are reporting dwindling sales of beer, spray paint, and ammunition. Also hit hard, are the state hospitals, which have reported a dramatic decline in births and emergency room visits. Tattoo parlors are in a state of panic.
Renaldo told a reporter through an interpreter that he and his family are moving to Alberta, an NDP province with high taxes, where hard working people will support him and his family with dignity!
Kind of brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it??
While strolling around the Marina this morning about 7 a.m., I noticed a character shouting “Allah be praised” and “Death to all infidels” and suddenly he tripped and fell into the water.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he was carrying. If he didn’t get help he would surely drown.
Being a responsible citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Police, the Coastguard , the Immigration Office and even the Fire Department.
It is now 11 a. m., the terrorist has drowned, and all of the authorities have yet to respond. I’m starting to think I wasted four postage stamps.
NEWFIE ROAD WORK
A road crew supervisor in Saskatchewan hired Herb from Newfoundland, to paint the yellow line down the middle of route 32 heading up toward Prince Albert. He was sceptical about hiring him since he didn’t have any painting background, but he appeared enthusiastic and told him that he really needed the job. At least his wife Lorrie- Jane, told him so.
He explained to Herb, that his work day would be to complete 2 miles of centreline on the road.
He was set up with brushes and paint and his boss got him started.
After the first day, the supervisor was pleased to find that he’d painted 4 miles of road in his 8 hour shift, instead of the two expected of him.
He told Herb, that he did an excellent job, and said how pleased he was with his progress.
On the second day, Herb completed painting just the 2 miles
of road that was asked of him.
His supervisor was surprised, because on the first day, he had completed twice as much work. But he didn’t say anything, since 2 miles of road was the amount that the job required anyway. He decided to just accept it, and to look forward to the next day when he was sure that Herb would pick up the pace again.
On day 3, the supervisor was disappointed to learn that in his 8 hour shift, Herb completed painting only 1 mile of road. Herb was
called to the supervisor’s office and asked what was the problem.
“On your first day, you completed 4 miles of road, on your
second day, 2 miles of road, and now on day 3, you were only able to complete 1 mile of road. What’s the problem, Herb?”
“Well,” Herb replied, “I’ll tell you watt is da problem dare boy, but I taught a smart man like you would figger it out fer yourself. Every day I got farder and farder away from da paint can.”
MARY POPPINS VISITING
Mary Poppins was traveling home, but due to worsening weather, she decided to stop at a hotel for the night. She approached the receptionist and asked for a room for the night.
“Certainly madam”, he replied courteously.
“Is the restaurant open still?” inquired Mary.
“Sorry, no,” came the reply, “but room service is available all night. Would you care to select something from this menu?”
Mary smiled and took the menu and perused it. “Hmm, I would like cauliflower cheese please,” said Mary.
“Certainly madam,” he replied.
“And can I have breakfast in bed?” asked Mary politely. The receptionist nodded and smiled. “In that case, I would love a couple of poached eggs please,” Mary mused. After confirming the order, Mary signed in and went up to her room for the night.
The night passed uneventfully and next morning Mary came down early to check out.
The same guy was still on the desk.
“Morning madam…sleep well?”
“Yes, thank you,” Mary replied.
“Food to your liking?”
“Well, I have to say the cauliflower cheese was exceptional, I don’t think I have had better. Shame about the eggs tho….they really weren’t that nice at all,” replied Mary truthfully.
“Oh…well, perhaps you could contribute these thoughts to our Guest Comments Book.
We are always looking to improve our service and would value your opinion,” said the receptionist.
“OK, I will…thanks!” replied Mary….who checked out, then scribbled a comment into the book. Waving, she left to continue her journey.
Curious, the receptionist picked up the book to see the comment Mary had written.
IN THE GRAVEYARD
An old man and old woman had been married for about 52 years when one day the old woman died. The entire family showed up to the funeral.
Every day after the funeral the old man would show up at the grave with his dog and spend a few minutes out there. About two months later a priest saw the old man out there with his dog and decided to go talk to the old man.
“Hello there. You know, we see you come out here every day to visit your wife’s grave and we just think that so sweet. We were all wondering if the dog is something that was special to your wife since you always bring it out here with you.”
“No, actually I bring the dog out here to pee on the grave. I’d do it myself, but I’d get arrested for indecent exposure!”
Q: How do you know celebrities are suffering in this tough economy?
A1: Paris Hilton changed her name to Paris Red Roof Inn!
A2: Heidi and Spencer actually had to get real jobs!
A3: Brangelina (Brad Pitt, Angelina Jolie) can only adopt 1 kid this year!
A4: A-Rod had to switch from using steroids to flintstone vitamins!
A5: P Diddy is now buying his bling at Kay Jewelers!
A6: Rockstar Eddie Money’s new name is just Eddie
A7: Heather Mills is now marrying guys for love!
A8: Bill Maher is going to church to pray!
A9: Robin Leach has a new show “Lifestyles of the people who still have a job”
A MAN LOST HIS EARS
A man lost both his ears in a very serious automobile accident but as a result received a large insurance settlement. After some period of time he realized that he needed an assistant to help him manage his money.
He decided to interview several candidates.
The first candidate was very impressive and answered all the questions satisfactorily.
The interviewer then posed one final questions, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”
“Well, yes,” the candidate replied. “You don’t have any ears.”
The interviewer was outraged as he was very sensitive about his lack of ears and dismissed the candidate.
The second candidate was a very attractive woman who also answered all the questions satisfactorily. Again the interviewer posed one final question, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”
“Well, yes,” the woman replied. “You don’t have any ears.” The angry interviewer dismissed her immediately.
The third and final candidate was shown in. He too, answered all questions correctly.
Finally the interviewer asked him, “Do you notice anything unusual about me?”
The candidate replied, “I notice you’re wearing contact lenses.” The interviewer was delighted.
“How insightful. How did you happen to notice I was wearing contacts?”
“Well, you couldn’t be wearing glasses, you don’t have any ears.”
THE DUCK WANTS GRAPES
One day a duck walks in a store and ask the manager if they sell grapes.
The manager says, “No, we don’t sell grapes.”
The duck goes home and comes back the next day and asks the same question.
The manager says the same thing again, “No, we do not sell grapes.”
The duck goes home, comes back the next day, and asks the manager if they sell grapes.
This time the manager says, “No, we don’t sell grapes! If you ask one more time, I will nail your beak to the floor!”
The duck goes home. It comes back the next day and asks the manager if he has any nails.
The manager says, “No, I don’t have any nails.”
The duck says, “Okay, good. Do you sell grapes?”
In the back woods of Tennessee, a redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be at lantern and said,
“Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing.”
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there,” said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.” Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
“Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl.
“No, no don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?”
I MISS BILL
It doesn’t matter what party you belong to – this is good natured political humor from a show on Canadian TV, where a black comedian said he misses Bill Clinton.
“Yep, that’s right – I miss Bill Clinton!”
*He was the closest thing we ever got to having a real black man as President.
*He played the sax.
*He smoked weed.
*He had his way with ugly white women.
*Even now? Look at him … his wife works, and he doesn’t! And, he gets a check from the government every month.
*Manufacturers announced today that they will be stocking America’s shelves this week with ” Clinton Soup,” in honor of one of the nations’ distinguished men. It consists primarily of a weenie in hot water.
*When asked what he thought about foreign affairs, Clinton replied, “I don’t know, I never had one.”
*The Clinton revised judicial oath: “I solemnly swear to tell the truth as I know it, the whole truth as I believe it to be, and nothing but what I think you need to know.”
* Clinton will be recorded in history as the only President to do Hanky Panky between the Bushes.
ORIGINAL VERSION OF THE DOG JOKE
A reporter approaches a North Korean, a Saudi, a Cuban and a New Yorker and asks, “Excuse me gentlemen, what is your opinion of the current meat shortage?”
North Korean: “What is ‘meat’?”
Saudi: “What is ‘shortage’?”
Cuban: “What is ‘opinion’?”
New Yorker: “What is ‘excuse me’?”
ENGINEER OR DOCTOR?
Which would you rather be…an engineer or a doctor?
An Engineer was unemployed for long time. He could not find a job so he opened a medical clinic and puts a sign up outside: “Get your treatment for $500, if not successfully treated, get back $1,000.”
One Doctor thinks this is a good opportunity to earn $1,000 and goes to his clinic.
Doctor: “I have lost taste in my mouth.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “This is Gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor gets annoyed and goes back a couple of days later to recover his money.
Doctor: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”
Engineer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”
Doctor: “But that’s Gasoline!”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”
The Doctor leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Doctor: “My eyesight has become weak.”
Engineer: “Well, I don’t have any medicine for this. Take this $1,000.”
Doctor: “But this is only $500…”
Engineer: “Congratulations! You got your eyesight back. That’ll be $500”
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD .
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.
She steps out of the car and asks the man what’s wrong.
“I feel terrible,” ! he explains, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM.”
The blonde says,”Don’t worry.”
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny, bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.
The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops, turns around and wavesagain, he hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, “What is in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?”
The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label.
“Hair Spray. Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave.”
CHINAMAN vs ENGLISHMAN
A Chinese man and an Englishman were asked to make a sentence using 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9,10
The Englishman tried very hard but could not do it . He turned towards the Chinaman and very confidently said , ‘ if I cannot do this , I am sure that this is way beyond your ability . ”
The Chinaman thought for a while and came up with …
1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to peep. But the couple saw me, so I panic and 4 down.
The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me.
I ran until I felt 6 and threw up.
So I got into 7- Eleven and grabbed some 8 to throw at him.
Then I took a 9 and tried to stab him.
10 God he run away.
10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-Eleven.
Next day I called my boss and told him I was 6.
He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work .
He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down.
I don’t understand.
I am so nice 2 him but I don’t know what he 1.
The Englishman fainted!
Never underestimate a Chinaman!
A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door.
“Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.
He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”
“Nonsense,” said the wife. “You’re so drunk you miscounted. Get out of bed and try again. You can see better from over there.”
The husband climbed out of bed and counted. “One, two, three, four. You’re right, you know.”
HANG ON TO YOUR NEW NEWFIE QUARTERS
Hang on to any of the new Newfoundland quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The Canadian Mint announced today that it is recalling all of the Newfoundland quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each province.
“This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices.”
“The problem lies in the unique design of the Newfoundland quarter, which was created by a team of Newfoundlanders,” Shackleford said.
“Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming up the machines.”
THOUGHTFUL SCOTTISH HUSBAND
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub. He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘Brenda – put your hat and coat on, lassie.’
She replied, ‘Awe Dear heart, that’s nice – are you taking me to the pub with you?
‘Nay,’ he replied ‘I’m turning the heat off while I’m out.
POLICE WORK AT ITS BEST
Two policemen (Constable Ken and Bob) call the station on the radio.
“Hello. Is this the Sarge?”
“We have a case here. A woman has shot her husband dead for stepping on the floor she had just mopped.”
“Have you arrested the woman?”
“No sir. The floor is still wet.”
LITTLE JOHNNIE AGAIN
Little Johnnie’s neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, “What a beautiful baby.”
The mother said, “Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, “He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see well?”
“Yes”, the mother replied, “we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.”
“That’s great”, said Little Johnnie,”coz he’d be fu*ked if he needed glasses”.
MUSLIM TRIBUTE BAND
I went to see a Muslim tribute band last night at a popular Laval hangout.
They were called “Bomb Jovi”.
They were brilliant.
Their last song “Living on a Prayer Mat” almost brought the house down.
Then this Muslim bloke started bragging about how he had the entire Koran on DVD.
I thought I would be funny, so I asked him, “Can you burn me a copy?”
Well, that was when the trouble started . . .
THREE MEN AT THE PEARLY GATES
Three men stand before St. Peter awaiting admission into Heaven. However, St. Peter has been informed that Heaven will only admit 33% of applicants today. The admissions standard: Who died the worst death? So, St. Peter takes each of the three men aside in turn and asks them about how they died.
First man: “I’d been suspecting for a long time that my wife was cheating on me. I decided to come home early from work one afternoon and check to see if I could catch her in the act. When I got back to my apartment, I heard the water running. My wife was in the shower. I looked everywhere for the guy, but couldn’t find anyone or any trace that he had been there. The last place I looked was out on the balcony.
I found the bastard hanging from the edge, trying to get back in! So I started jumping up and down on his hands, and he yelled, but he didn’t fall. So I ran inside and got a hammer, and crushed his fingers with it until he fell twenty-five floors screaming in agony. But the fall didn’t kill the asshole. He landed in some bushes! So I dragged the refrigerator from the kitchen (it weighed about a ton), pulled it to the balcony, and hurled it over the edge. It landed right on the guy and killed him. But then I felt so horrible about what I had done, I went back into the bedroom and shot myself.”
St. Peter nodded slowly as the man recounted the story. Then, telling the first man to wait, he took the second aside.
Second man: “I lived on the twenty-seventh floor of this apartment building. I had just purchased this book on morning exercises and was practicing them on my balcony, enjoying the sunshine, when I lost my balance and fell off the edge. Luckily, I only fell about two floors before grabbing another balcony and holding on for dear life. I was trying to pull myself up when this guy came running onto what must have been his balcony and started jumping up and down on my hands. I screamed in pain, but he seemed really irate. When he finally stopped, I tried to pull myself up again, but he came out with a hammer and smashed my fingers to a pulp! I fell, and I thought I was dead, but I landed in some bushes. I couldn’t believe my second stroke of luck, but it didn’t last. The last thing I saw was this enormous refrigerator falling from the building down on top of me and crushing me.”
St. Peter comforted the man, who seemed to have several broken bones. Then he told him to wait, and turned to the third man.
Third man: “Picture this. You’re hiding, naked, in a refrigerator…”
AN ALBERTAN IN EUROPE
An Albertan is on vacation in Europe, and is touring Paris.
When his tour group approached the Eiffel Tower, the first question he asked the tour guide was: “How many barrels a day does it produce?”
In the summer of 1988 there was a fierce sandstorm in Saskatchewan. A farmer found a hat laying in his field.
He picked it up and found the head of his neighbour, very much alive.
“Wow, exclaimed the farmer”, I’ll get a shovel and dig you out!”
“You better bring a backhoe,” was the response, “I’m sitting on a horse!”
The drunken wino was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, sir. You’re obviously drunk”
The wasted wino asked, “Ociffer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Obviously relieved, the wino said “That’s a relief – I thought I was a cripple.”
ADVANTAGES OF MOTHER’S MILK
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. One question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages. However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground the cat can’t get at it.
He got an A.
THE CHICKEN GUN
The true story of the Chicken Gun. Too funny not to share! Sometimes it does take a rocket scientist!
Scientists at NASA built a gun specifically to launch standard 4 pound dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the British engineers.
WHEN THE GUN WAS FIRED, THE ENGINEERS STOOD SHOCKED AS THE CHICKEN HURLED OUT OF THE BARREL, CRASHED INTO THE SHATTERPROOF SHIELD, SMASHED IT TO SMITHEREENS, BLASTED THROUGH THE CONTROL CONSOLE, SNAPPED THE ENGINEER’S BACK-REST IN-TWO, AND EMBEDDED ITSELF IN THE BACK WALL OF THE CABIN, LIKE AN ARROW SHOT FROM A BOW.
THE HORRIFIED BRITS SENT NASA THE DISASTROUS RESULTS OF THEIR EXPERIMENT, ALONG WITH THE DESIGNS OF THE WINDSHIELD AND BEGGED THE U.S SCIENTISTS FOR SUGGESTIONS.
NASA RESPONDED WITH A ONE-LINE MEMO — “DEFROST THE CHICKEN.”
MISSING WIFE or HOW MEN ARE PROGRAMMED!
A husband went to the sheriff’s department to report that his wife was missing:
Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home.
Sergeant: What is her height?
Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.
Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.
Sergeant: Color of eyes?
Husband: Never noticed.
Sergeant: Color of hair?
Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.
Sergeant: What was she wearing?
Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.
Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?
Husband: She went in my truck.
Sergeant: What kind of truck was it?
Husband: Brand new Ford F150 King Ranch 4X4 with eco-boost 5.0L V8 engine special ordered with manual transmission. It has custom matching white cover for the bed. Custom leather seats and “Bubba” floor mats. Trailering package with gold hitch. DVD with navigation, 21-channel CB radio, six cup holders and four power outlets. Added special alloy wheels and off-road Michelins. Wife put a small scratch on the driver’s door.
At this point the husband started choking up.
Sergeant: Don’t worry buddy. We’ll find your truck.
*Women’s response to a survey on size *
2 inches – I can’t even hold it.
3 inches – Never been so unsatisfied
4 inches – I’ve had bigger than that
5 inches – Good, but I wish a bit bigger!
6 inches – Perfect.
7 inches – Love it.
8 inches – Wow!, but can’t have it all.
9 inches – Painful but manageable.
10 inches – Too much pressure on stomach.*
*This survey was Customer’s Feedback on different SIZES of Subway Sandwiches..*
*But I’m a little disturbed at the way you think*
LET’S OFFEND EVERYBODY
Q. What’s the Cuban National Anthem?
A. Row, Row, Row Your Boat.
Q. Where does an Irish family go on vacation ?
A. To a different bar.
Q. What did the Chinese couple name their tan, curly-haired baby?
A. Sum Ting Wong .
Q. What do you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A. A speech impediment.
Q. Why aren’t there any Afro-Americans on Star Trek?
A . Because they’re not going to work in the future either.
Q. Why do Driver Ed classes in redneck schools use the car only on
Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?
A. Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
Q. What’s the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo?
A. The southern zoo has a description of the animal along with a recipe.
Q How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the ‘F’ word?
A. Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell, ‘BINGO!’
Q. What’s the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?
A. A northern fairytale begins, ….’Once upon a time…’
A southern fairytale begins,… ‘Y’all aren’t going to believe this shit.’
Q. Why doesn’t Mexico have an Olympic team?
A. Because all the Mexicans who can run, jump or swim are already in the United States.
SASKATCHEWAN HUNTING ACCIDENT
A Saskatchewan guy went out duck hunting in the Fall and a gust of wind blew, his gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in his private parts.
Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.
“Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin, there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot.”
“What’s the bad news?” asked the hunter.
“The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I’m going to have to refer you to my sister.”
“Well I guess that isn’t too bad,” the hunter replied. “Is your sister a
“Not exactly,” answered the doctor.
“She’s a flute player in the Regina Symphony Orchestra . She’s going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don’t pee in your eye.
Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out, “Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”
Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”
Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse!”
“Ma replies, “Stick yur head in the hole!”
Pa yells back, “I ain’t stickin my head in that hole!
“Ma says, “Ya have to stick yur head in the hole to see what to fix.”
So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin wrong with this outhouse!”
Ma hollers back, “Now take your head out of the hole!”
Pa proceeds to pull his head out of the hole, then starts yelling, “Ma! Help! My beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!”
To which Ma replies,”Hurts, don’t it?!” Now fix it!!
UNDERSTANDING ENGINEERS OR NOT
#1: Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, “Where did you get such a great bike?”
The second engineer replied, “Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, “Take what you want.”
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, “Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn’t fit you anyway.”
#2: To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty.
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
#3: A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”
The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”
The priest said, “Here comes the greens-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”
He said, “Hello George, What’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”
The greens-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!”
The group fell silent for a moment.
The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”
The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything she can do for them.”
The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”
#4: What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers?
Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
#5: The graduate with a science degree asks, “Why does it work?”
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, “How does it work?”
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, “How much will it cost?”
The graduate with an arts degree asks, “Do you want fries with that?”
#7: Normal people believe that if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain’t broke, it doesn’t have enough features yet.
#8: An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want.”
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess and that I’ll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look, I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog – now that’s cool.”
7 KINDS OF SEX
The 1st kind is called Smurf Sex: This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone, and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
The 2nd kind is called Kitchen Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for a short time, and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.
The 3rd kind of sex is called Bedroom Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your love life has gotten routine, and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.
The 4th kind of sex is called Social Security Sex: You get a little each month but not enough to enjoy yourself.
The 5th kind is called Hallway Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say “Screw” you.’
The 6th kind is called Catholic Sex: Which means you get “Nun” in the morning, “Nun” in the afternoon and “Nun” at night. (Very Popular!!!)
And, last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called Courtroom Sex: This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and “screws” you in front of everyone.
I’ve disconnected my home alarm system and de-registered from the Neighborhood Watch.
I’ve got two Pakistani flags raised in the front yard, one at each corner, and the black flag of ISIS in the center. The local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching my house 24/7.
I’ve never felt safer and I’m saving $49.95 a month.
30 PINTS OF GUINNESS IN 30 SECONDS
I found myself in a pub in Cork, Ireland.
A group of American tourists came in. One of the Americans said, in a loud voice, “I hear you Irish think your great drinkers. I bet 5,000 euros that no-one here can drink 30 pints of Guinness in 30 minutes.”
The bar was silent, the American noticed one Irishman leaving, but no one took up the bet.
40 minutes later the Irishman who left returned and said “Hey Yank, is your wee bet still on?”
“Sure” said the American, “30 pints in 30 minutes for a bet of 5,000 euros.”
“Grand,” replied the Irishman, “so pour the pints and start the clock.”
It was very close but the last drop was consumed with 2 seconds to spare.
“OK Yank, pay up.” said the Irishman..
“I’m happy to pay, here’s your money” said the American
“But tell me, when I first offered the wager I saw you leave. Where did you go?’
The Irishman replied, “Well sir, 5,000 euros is a lot of money to a man like me, so I went to the pub across the road to see if I could do it.”
THE PEARLY GATES
Saint Peter is sitting at the Gates when two guys from the north end arrive.
St. Peter looked out through the Gates and said, “Wait here, I’ll be right back.”
St. Peter goes over to God’s chambers and tells him who is waiting at the entrance.
God says to Peter: “How many times do I have to tell you? You can’t be judgmental here.
This is heaven. All are loved. All are brothers. Go back and let them in!”
St. Peter goes back to the Pearly Gates, looks around, and lets out a heavy sigh. He returns to God’s chambers and says,
“Well, they’re gone.”
“Who! ….The guys from the north end?” asked God.
“No. The Pearly Gates.”
A MIME IN THE ZOO
One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn some money as a street performer. Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper grabs him and drags him into his office.
The zoo-keeper explains to the mime that the zoo’s most popular attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that attendance at the zoo will fall off. He offers the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they can get another one. The mime accepts.
So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the cage before crowd comes. He discovers that it’s a great job. He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just swinging on tires.
He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. Not wanting to lose the attention of his audience, he climbs to the top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top to the lion’s cage. Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it. At the end of the day the zoo-keeper comes and gives the mime a raise for being such a good attraction.
Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion, the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up. Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion, he slips and falls. The mime is terrified. The lion gathers itself and prepares to pounce.
The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage with the lion close behind. Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, “Help, Help me!” but the lion is quick and pounces.
The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry lion and the lion says, “Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?”
HOW MANY CANADIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHT BULB?
Four to form a parliamentary committee to discuss the changing of said lightbulb.
One from the Women’s Action Coalition to complain about how women are under-represented in this joke.
One from the First Nations to complain how natives were left out of the joke-making process.
One to duck across the border and buy a lightbulb duty-free.
Someone to actually change the lightbulb.
Another to buy a case of Molson’s for everyone to enjoy and finally, one to drop the puck.
DIS IS AH VERY OLD ONE BUT YOU GO STILL SMILE
Two young Jamaican guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking some weed.
The judge says, “You seem like nice young men, and I’d like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of smoking weed. I’ll see you back in court Monday.”
On Monday, the judge asks the first guy, “How did you do over the weekend?”
“Well, your honor, Mi persuaded 17 people fi give up drugs forever.”
“Seventeen people? That’s wonderful. How did you do it? ”
Mi used a diagram, your honor. Mi draw two circles like dis sah, O o.
Den mi tell dem dat di big circle is the size of your brain before smoking weed
and di small circle is the size of your brain after the weed.”
“That’s admirable,” says the judge, you’re discharged.
Then he turns to the second guy. “And how did you do?”
“Well, your honor, Mi persuaded 156 people fi give up weed forever sah”.
“Wow!” says the judge.. “156 people! How did you manage to do that?”
“Well sah, mi used a similar diagram,” the guy says. “Mi draw two circles like dis: o O.
Den mi point to di little circle an say, “Dis is yu battyhole before Jail…….”
HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
God went to the Arabs and said, ‘I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.’
The Arabs asked, ‘What are Commandments?’ And the Lord said, ‘They are rules for living.’
‘Can you give us an example?’
‘Thou shall not kill.’
‘Not kill? We’re not interested..’
So He went to the Blacks and said, ‘I have Commandments.’
The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said, ‘Honor thy Father and Mother.’
‘Father? We don’t know who our fathers are. We’re not interested.’
Then He went to the Mexicans and said, ‘I have Commandments.’
The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said ‘Thou shall not steal.’
‘Not steal? We’re not interested.’
Then He went to the French and said, ‘I have Commandments.’
The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery.’
‘Sacre bleu!!! Not commit adulter y? Non. We’re not interested.’
Finally, He went to the Jews and said, ‘I have Commandments..’
‘Commandments?’ They said, ‘How much are they?’
‘We’ll take 10.’
There. That should upset just about everybody.
A VERY TOUCHING STORY
Once upon a time a small boy named Hameed lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him, “You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!”
One day his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told her honestly that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her whole career. The mother could not accept such a feed-back and she took her son out from that school. She even moved to another city.
25 years later, that teacher got a cardio disorder and all the doctors have advised her to go for an open heart operation which only one surgeon could perform. Left with no other choice she did it and the surgery was successful. When she opened her eyes, she saw a handsome doctor smiling to her,
Being under anesthesia effect, she wanted to thank him but could not talk. In turn, he was staring at her face which started turning blue. She was raising her hand trying to tell him something but in vain and she died.
The doctor was shocked and was trying to understand what just happened, till he turned back and saw our friend Hameed (working as a cleaner in that hospital) who had unplugged the ventilator to connect his vacuum cleaner.
Don’t tell me you were thinking that Hameed became a doctor …
WHY MEN WEAR EARRINGS
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?
A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense”
The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a big deal, it’s only an earring,” he replies sheepishly.
His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask, “So, how long have you been wearing one?”
“Ever since my wife found it in my truck.”
DON’T FEEL BAD
There’s a few guys who always get together on Fridays after work for a drink…
One Friday, Jeff showed up late, sat down at the bar, and kicked back his entire first beer in one gulp…
Then he turned to Bob and said, “Times are getting tough my friend, I mean, just today my wife told me that she’s going to cut me back to only two times a week… I can’t believe it”…
At which point Bob put his hand on Jeff’s shoulder and said reassuringly, “You think you’ve got it bad, she’s cut some guys out all together.
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being six again?’
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed.
‘I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!’
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he’s gonna get it wrong.
HASSAN & HABIB
Hassan and Habib are beggars. They beg in different areas of Sydney ..
Habib begs just as long as Hassan but only collects $2 to $3 every day.
Hassan brings home a suitcase FULL of $10 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Habib says to Hassan, ‘I work just as long and hard as you do but how do you bring home a suitcase full of $10 notes every day?’ s
Hassan says, ‘Look at your sign, what does it say ?’
Habib’s sign reads; ‘I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support’.
Hassan says, ‘No wonder you only get $2- $3 !’
Habib says… ‘So what does your sign say ?’
Hassan shows Habib his sign….
It reads: ‘I only need another $10 to move back to Pakistan ..’
LITTLE JOHHNNY STRIKES AGAIN – THINGS THAT END WITH “TOR”
A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with “tor” and that also eats things.
The first little boy said, “Alligator.”
“Very good James, that’s a big word.
The second boy said, “Predator, Miss.”
“Yes, that’s another big word, Alan. Very well done!”
Little Johnny says, “Vibrator.”
After nearly falling off her chair, the teacher says, “That is a big word Johnny, but it doesn’t eat anything.”
“Well my mother has one and she says it eats batteries like there’s no tomorrow!”
THE VANCOUVER BLIZZARD
Day 2 – Vancouver Blizzard – Revenge of the Commuters
Chilled Vancouver commuters faced their second day of winter hell today, as an additional ¼ centimeter of the peculiar white stuff fell, bringing the lower mainland to its knees and causing millions of dollars’ worth of damage to the marijuana crops.
Scientists suspect that the substance is some form of frozen water particles and experts from Saskatchewan are being flown in. With temperatures dipping to the almost but not quite near zero mark, Vancouverites were warned to double insulate their lattes before venturing out.
Vancouver police recommended that people stay inside except for emergencies, such as running out of espresso or biscotti to see them through Vancouver’s most terrible storm to date. The local Canadian Tire reported that they had completely sold out of fur-lined sandals.
Drivers were cautioned to put their convertible tops up, and several have been shocked to learn that their SUV’s actually have four wheel drive, although most have no idea how to use it.
Weary commuters faced soggy sushi, and the threat of frozen breast implants. Although Dr. John Blatherwick, of the Coastal Health Authority reassured everyone that most breast implants were perfectly safe to 25 below, down-filled bras are flying off the shelves at Mountain Equipment Co-op.
“The government has to do something,” snarled an angry Trevor Warburton. “I didn’t pay $540,000 for my one bedroom condo so I could sit around and be treated like someone from Toronto.”
71 YR OLD WOMAN
A woman went to the doctor’s office where she was seen by one of the younger doctors. After about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the young doctor was writing on his clipboard.
“What the hell is the matter with you” the older doctor demanded. “Mrs. Terry is 71 years old, has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?”
The younger doctor continued writing and without even looking up said,
“Does she still have the hiccups?”
“Take a bunch of flowers home for your wife, sir,” urged the street vendor.
“I haven’t got a wife,” replied the young man.
“Then buy a bunch for your sweetheart.”
“I don’t have a sweetheart, either.”
“Well then, buy a couple of bunches to celebrate your luck.”
JOB TEST CHEATER
Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company.
They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the Department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one of the questions.
The manager went to the first applicant and said, “Thank you for your interest, but we’ve decided to give the job to the other applicant.”
“And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct,” asked the rejected applicant.
“We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed,” said the Department manager.
“And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?” the rejected applicant inquired.
“Simple,” said the Department manager, “Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, ‘I don’t know.’ You put down, ‘Neither do I.'”
A young boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered what money his parents gave him.
“Hmmmm,” he wonders, “How am I gonna get more dough?”
Then he gets an idea. He calls his father. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here that will teach Fido how to talk!”
“That’s absolutely amazing!” his father says.
“How do I get him in that program?”
“Just send him down here with $1000,” the boy says, “I’ll get him into the course.”
So, his father sends the dog and the $1000. About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out. The boy calls his father again.
“So how’s Fido doing, son?” his father asks.
“Awesome, dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this -they’ve had such good results with this program, that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!”
“READ!?” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”
“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.”
And his father sends the money. At the end of the semester, the boy has a problem. When he gets home, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home, his father is all excited. “Where’s Fido? I just can’t wait to hear him talk and listen to him read something!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. This morning, when I got out of the shower, Fido was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does. Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your dad still messing around with that little blonde who lives on the next street?’
The father says, “Oh, sh*t; I hope you SHOT that lying son of a bitch!”
“I sure did, Dad!”
“That’s my boy!”
A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children.
“You all have obsessions,” he observed.
To the first mother, Mary, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.”
He turned to the second Mom, Ann: “Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.”
He turned to the third Mom, Joyce: “Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your child’s name, Brandy.
At this point, the fourth mother, Donna quietly got up, took her little boy by the hand, and whispered, “Come on, Dick, this guy has no idea what he’s talking about. Let’s pick up Peter and Willy from school and go get dinner.”
A UN SURVEY
A world-wide survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was…
“Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a huge failure because…
* In Africa they didn’t know what “food” means.
* In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” means.
* In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” means.
* In China they didn’t know what “opinion” means.
* In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” means.
* In South America they didn’t know what “please” means.
* In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” means
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.
As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, “Give that man five days in the lockup for vomiting!”
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
“Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he’d also took a dump in your pants.
YOU DID WHAT TO MY STEAK?
A waiter brings the customer the steak he ordered with his thumb over the meat.
“Are you crazy?” yelled the customer, “with your hand on my steak?”
“What” answers the waiter, “You want it to fall on the floor again?”
A mother is driving her little girl to her friend’s house for a play date.
‘Mommy’, the little girl asks,’how old are you?’
‘Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,’ the mother replied. ‘It’s not polite.’
‘OK’, the little girl says, ‘How much do you weigh?’
‘Now really,’ the mother says, ‘those are personal questions and are really none of your business.’
Undaunted, the little girl asks,’Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?’
‘That’s enough questions, young lady! Honestly!’
The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.
‘My Mom won’t tell me anything about her,’ the little girl says to her friend.
‘Well,’ says the friend, ‘all you need to do is look at her driver’s license. It’s like a report card, it has everything on it.’
Later that night the little girl says to her mother, ‘I know how old you are. You are 32.’
The mother is surprised and asks, ‘How did you find that out?
‘I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.’
The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
‘How in Heaven’s name did you find that out?’
‘And,’ the little girl says triumphantly, ‘I know why you and daddy got a divorce.’
‘Oh really?’ the mother asks. ‘Why?’
‘Because you got an F in sex.’
Lady calls up police department: Officer, there is a man exposing himself in the next building.
Officer: OK, we’ll be right over, lady.
Five minutes later at her apartment.
Officer: Which way, lady?
Lady: This way officer, he’s still shamelessly baring himself.
Officer: Where is he, lady? I don’t see no without clothes man.
Lady: Oh, you have to look through this telescope
Way down in the out ports of Newfoundland, Murph’s old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said. “Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!
“Ain’t dat grand!!” Murph got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, “Hold on! We ain’t finished yet!”
The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, “Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter!!!! She is a pretty lil ting, too….”
Murph got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, “Hold on, we ain’t got done yet!”
The doctor then delivered another boy and said, “Murph, you just had yourself another boy!”
Murph said to the doctor, “Doc, what caused all of dem babies?” The doctor said, “You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception.” Murph said, “Ah yeah, during conception.”
When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, “Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.” She said, “Yeah, I remember dat night…”
Murph said, “I’ll tell you, bye, it’s a fookin’ good ting we didn’t use dat WD-40!!
A woman went to the men’s section of a department store and asked the salesman to help her choose a white dress shirt for her husband. When the salesman asked about his size, the woman looked stumped at first, then her face brightened. She held up her hands, forming a circle with her forefingers and thumbs.
“I don’t know his size,” she said, “but my hands fit perfectly around his neck.”
The reception had ended and the newlyweds had just sneaked off to the honeymoon resort. After supper and champagne, the groom retired to the bedroom. But the bride pulled a chair up to the balcony doors and sat there, gazing at the stars.
“Dear,” asked the somewhat impatient husband. “Aren’t you coming to bed?”
“No,” she announced. “My mother told me this was going to be the most beautiful night of my life, and I don’t want to miss a single minute of it.”
A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his application, he waited anxiously for the outcome.
The employer read all his application and said, “We have an opening for people like you.”
“Oh, great,” he said, “What is it?”
“It’s called the door!”
BIRDS AND BEES
One day little Johnny came up to his father and asked, “Dad, where did I come from?”
Dad squirmed a bit, but thought it was time his son knew the facts of life. So, Dad told his son how the expression of love resulted in the beginning of life, how life developed in the womb and finally how a child was born.
As Dad told the story, his son’s eyes got wider and wider.
When Dad was finished, his son said, “Wow, that’s really neat. That sure beats what Billy told me. He said that he came from Philadelphia.”
DIDN’T LIKE IT
A well-dressed gentleman entered an upscale restaurant in the East End of Manhattan, and took a seat at the bar. The bartender came over and asked “What can I get you to drink, sir”?
The gentleman responded, “Nothing, thank you. I tried alcohol once, didn’t like it, and never tried it again.”
The bartender was a bit perplexed, but being a friendly, outgoing sort, he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and offered the gentleman a cigarette.
The gentleman refused, saying, “I tried smoking once, didn’t like it, and never did it again. The point is, I wouldn’t be in here at all, except that I’m waiting for my son.”
The bartender retorted, “Your only child, I presume?”
Ken and Marjorie finished their breakfast at the retirement home and were relaxing in the library.
“You know,” said Marjorie, “today, in most marriage ceremonies, they don’t use the word ‘obey’ anymore.”
“Too bad, isn’t it?” retorted Ken. “It used to lend a little humor to the occasion.
1. A girl is said to be grown up when she starts wearing a bra. A boy is grown up when he starts removing it.
2. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
3. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks – PRICELESS.
4. Breaking News: Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman’s husband.
5. Arguing over a girl’s bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I haven’t verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit…A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
There were three generals, one Chinese, an Iraqi, and a Turk. They were bragging about how good each of their armies were.
The Chinaman said, “My army would kill themselves for their country!”
Then he put a platoon in a little room and told them, “When this feather hits the floor I want all of you to shoot yourselves!”
He then went outside the room and five seconds later there were numerous gunshots and everyone in the room was dead.
Next came the Turkish General and he said the same thing to one of his platoons. About seven seconds later they heard gunshots and once again everyone was dead.
Finally came the Iraqi and he did the same to his platoon. Several seconds past and there were no gunshots. They decided to wait a little longer. Then several more seconds past and still no gunshots.
Finally they went in and the whole Iraqi platoon was on the floor blowing under the feather to keep it up.
A man came back from a long business trip to find that his son had a new $300 mountain bike.
“How’d you get that, son?”
“Yeah, every night, Mom’s boss came over and gave me $20 to take a hike.”
FUNNY COLLEGE QUOTES
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
If you want to get laid, go to college. If you want an education, go to the library.
George Edwin Howes
The chief value in going to college is that it’s the only way to learn it really doesn’t matter.
Dr. A. Lawrence Lowell
Of course there’s a lot of knowledge in universities: the freshmen bring a little in; the seniors don’t take much away, so knowledge sort of accumulates….
Third Law of Applied Terror
80% of the final exam will be based on the one lecture you missed and the one book you didn’t read.
Alice Duer Miller
Don’t ever dare to take your college as a matter of course – because, like democracy and freedom, many people you’ll never know have broken their hearts to get it for you.
Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.
Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education.
A college education should equip one to entertain three things: a friend, an idea and oneself.
TURPENTINE vs HOLY WATER
A little boy was sitting on the footpath with a bottle of Turpentine. He was shaking it up and watching all the bubbles.
A Priest came along and asked the little boy what he had.
The little boy said, ‘This is the most powerful liquid in the world; it’s called Turpentine.’
The Priest said, ‘No, the most powerful liquid in the world is Holy Water. If you rub it on a pregnant woman’s belly, she’ll pass a healthy baby.’
The little boy replied, ‘If you rub this turpentine on a dog’s ass, he’ll pass a Harley Davidson!’
The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office.
“What is your name?” was the first thing the manager asked the new guy.
“Bobby,” the new guy replied.
The manager scowled, “Look, I don’t know what kind of a mamby-pamby place you worked at before, but I don’t call anyone by their first name.
“It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only – Smith, Jones, Baker – that’s all. I am to be referred to only as Mr. Robertson. Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?”
The new guy sighed and said, “Darling. My name is Bobby Darling.”
“Okay, Bobby, the next thing I want to tell you is…”
THE COOLIDGE EFFECT
An old joke about Calvin Coolidge when he was President …
The President and Mrs. Coolidge were being shown [separately] around an experimental government farm.
When Mrs. Coolidge came to the chicken yard she noticed that a rooster was mating very frequently. She asked the attendant how often that happened and was told, “Dozens of times each day.”
Mrs. Coolidge said, “Tell that to the President when he comes by.”
Upon being told, the President asked, “Same hen every time?”
The reply was, “Oh, no, Mr. President, a different hen every time.”
The President said, “Tell that to Mrs. Coolidge.”
PERFECT FUTURE PLANS
Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says: “I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, Find me the finest girlfriend, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while having sex with her three times a day”.
The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson…
“And how about you, Sarah?”
Sarah: “I wanna be Johnny’s Girlfriend.”
WITH AGE COMES WISDOM
A guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, “Pick me up.”
He looked around and couldn’t see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, “Pick me up.”
He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, “Are you talking to me?”
The frog said, “Yes, I’m talking to you. Pick me up, then kiss me and I’ll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I’ll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!”
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, “What, are you nuts? Didn’t you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride.” He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, “Nah, at my age I’d rather have a talking frog.”
THE MIRACLE OF TOILET PAPER
Fresh from my shower, I stand in front of the mirror complaining to my husband, Joe that my breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it’s not so, Joe uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion.
If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.’
Willing to try anything, I fetch a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts. ‘
How long will this take?’ I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,’ my husband, Joe replies.
I stopped. ‘Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?’
Without missing a beat Joe says, “Worked for your ass, didn’t it?”
Joe’s still alive and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.
TO: ALL EMPLOYEES
FROM: Human Resources
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their coworkers. Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will be no longer tolerated.
We do however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with coworkers. Therefore, a list of TRY SAYING new phrases has been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner without risk of offending our more sensitive employees. SO…
TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: When the hell do you expect me to do this?
TRY SAYING: I’m certain that is not feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f**king way!!
TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh*tting me.
TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh*t.
TRY SAYING: Of course I’m concerned.
INSTEAD OF: Ask me if I give a sh*t.
TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my frigging problem.
TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the hell?!?!
TRY SAYING: I’m not sure I can implement this.
INSTEAD OF: F**k it. It won’t work.
TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the hell didn’t you tell me sooner?
TRY SAYING: Are you sure this is a problem?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell cares?
TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the problem.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his A*s.
TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh*t and die.
TRY SAYING: So, you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my A*s.
TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at this moment.
INSTEAD OF: F**K it! I’m on salary.
TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your A*s!
TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This job sucks.
TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the hell died and made you boss?
TRY SAYING: I see.
INSTEAD OF: Blow me.
TRY SAYING: Yes, we really should discuss it.
INSTEAD OF: Another darned meeting!!!
TRY SAYING: I don’t think this will be a problem.
INSTEAD OF: I really don’t give a sh*t.
TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a frigging prick.
TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a ball busting bitch.
TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the hell you’re doing.
TOO MUCH SEX
I couldn’t help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties while sitting at the bar last night.
One of the guys says to his buddy: “Man you look tired.”
His buddy says: “Dude I’m exhausted. My girlfriend and I have sex all the time. I just don’t know what to do.”
An older fellow, sitting a couple of stools down, also overheard the conversation.
He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: “Marry her. That’ll put a stop to that shit.”
Q: How can you know if your bank is hurting from the mortgage crisis?
A: You try to cash a check and they tell you to come back with a gun!
Q: Why is Bed Bath and Beyond hurting during this economic downturn?
A: Because gay guys are starting to buy unscented candles!
Q: What Does AIG stand for?
A: And It’s Gone!
Q: Why is the stock market like Britney Spears?
A: Yes, it made a nice comeback today, but at any moment, it could chug a Red Bull and shave its head and punch a photographer and we’ll be right back where we started.
Q: What will happen if the economy gets any worse?
A: Well learn how to live off the land like Sarah Palin!
Q: Why isn’t Halloween “special” anymore?
A: The lights are out, the windows are boarded up and the lawns aren’t cut. Everyday is Halloween in America now.
An American journalist once asked Mohandas Ghandi a question, “What is your opinion of American civilization?”
Ghandi smiled and replied to the American journalist, “I think it would be an excellent idea.”
What does urine and American beer have in common?
They both taste the same going in and coming out.
WHY ARE THE TORONTO MAPLE LEAFS LIKE CANADA POST?
The both wear uniforms and don’t deliver!
BEST COUNTRY IN THE WORLD
An Australian goes to a bar and stood beside a Scotsman. “Where are you from, pal?” asked the Scotsman, after they had chatted for a while.
“I’m from the finest country in the whole wide world,” said the Australian.
“Are you?” said the other, “you have a damn funny accent for a Scotsman.”
A MUSLIM DIES
A Muslim dies and by some error in handling ends up in heaven.
He`s stopped at the Pearly Gates by St-Peter who says sorry, but we don`t
allow Muslims into Heaven.
What? replies the Muslim, and why not?
Well, we just don`t !!
The Muslim complains and carries on until St-Peter gets fed up and says,
well have you ever done anything good in your life?
Ummm……the Muslim replies. Yes, the other day a lady stopped me on the
street collecting for a children`s charity so I gave her ten dollars.
Last week I donated ten dollars to the Canadian Cancer Society and a couple
of weeks ago a tramp asked me if I could spare any money so I gave him my
last ten dollars!
Alrighty then says St-Peter, wait here and I’ll have a quick word with God.
Five minutes later St-Peter returns and says to the Muslim.
Listen, I`ve spoken with God and he agrees with me……
Here`s your 30 bucks back, now get lost!!!
“So tell me, Mrs. Smith,” asked the interviewer, “do you have any other skills you think might be worth mentioning?”
“Well, actually, yes,” said the applicant modestly. “Last year I had two short stories published in national magazines, and I also finished my novel.”
“Very impressive,” commented the interviewer, “but I was thinking of skills you could apply during office hours.”
Mrs. Smith explained brightly, “Oh, that was during office hours.”
This guy brings his best mate home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30pm, after work.
His wife screams her head off while his friend sits open mouthed and listens to the tirade…
“My bloody hair & makeup are not done, the house is a f****** mess, the dishes aren’t done.
Can’t you see I’m still in my f****** pajamas and I can’t be bothered with cooking tonight!
Why the f*** did you bring him home unannounced you stupid idiot?”
“Because he’s thinking of getting married.”
A GRANDPARENT’S ADVICE
A tough old sheep farmer from Scotland gave some good advice to his granddaughter.
He told her that the secret to a long life was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder onto her porridge every morning.
The granddaughter followed this dictum religiously until her death at the venerable age of 103.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren, 25 great-great grandchildren and a forty foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
A blonde goes for a job interview in an office. The interviewer starts with the basics. “So, miss, can you tell us your age, please?”
The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for about 30 seconds before replying “Ehhhh… 22!”
The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice. “And can you tell us your height, please?”
The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces “Five foot two!”
This isn’t looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics. “And, ehh, just to confirm for our records, your name please?”
The blonde bobs her head from side to side for about twenty seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying “Mandy!”
The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks “Just out of curiosity, miss. We can understand your counting on your fingers to work out your age, and the measuring tape for your height is obvious, but what were you doing when we asked you your name?”
“Ohh, that!”, replies the blonde, “I was just running through ‘Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…'”
THE ITALIAN VIRGINITY TEST
Mario is planning to marry and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, “Mario, all the Italian men I know use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself Virginity Test Kit¦ a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel.”
Mario asks, “So, what do I do with these things, doc?
The doctor replies, “Before you climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, ‘That’s the strangest pair of balls I’ve ever seen!’, …you hit her with the shovel.”
TWO GOOD OLD BOYS
Two good old boys, Mick & Paddy, have been promoted from privates to Lance Corporals.
Not long afterward, they’re out for a walk and Mick says, “Hey, Paddy, there’s the NCO Club; let’s you and me step in.”
“But we’re only privates,” protests Paddy.
“We’re Lance Corporals now,” says Mick, pointing to his stripe and pulling him inside. “Now, Paddy, I’m a-gonna sit down and have me a drink.”
“But we’re privates,” says Paddy.
“You blind, boy?” asks Mick, pointing again at his stripe. “We’re Lance Corporals now!”
So they have their drink, and pretty soon one of the Army lasses comes up to Mick.
“You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to date you, but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”
Mick pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Paddy, go look in the dictionary and see what Gonorrhea means. If it’s okay, give me the okay sign.”
So Paddy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Mick the big Thumbs Up.
Three weeks later Mick is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.
Mick says to Paddy, “Why did you give me the thumbs up?”
“Well Mick, in the dictionary, it say gonorrhea affects only the privates and we’re Lance Corporals now! ”
WATERGATE HOTEL JOKE
A honeymoon couple is in the Watergate Hotel in Washington.
The bride is concerned. “What if the place is still bugged?”
The groom says, “I’ll look for a bug.”
He looks behind the drapes, behind the pictures and under the rug. “AHAH!” Under the rug was a disc with four screws.
He gets his screwdriver, unscrews the screws, and throws the disc out the window.
The next morning, the hotel manager asks the newlyweds, “How was your room? How was the service? How was your stay at the Watergate Hotel?”
The groom says, “Why are you asking me all of these questions?”
The hotel manager says “Well, the room under you complained about the chandelier falling on them!”
Two old fellers were talkin one day and decided that before they die they would have one big party. That night they hop on a bus & go to St. Johns, fill their pockets with Viagra and condoms & have a few too many beer.
They then decide to look for a house of ill repute. They knock on the door & the madam answers.
1st ol guy Garge says we wants a woman me ducky. So the madam gestures for a lady then whispers in her ear look at these 2 drunk old fools go upstairs and put a couple of rubber dolls in the bed for them.
At that the madam led Garge & Pat to their rooms.
Next morning they wake up in the hotel and exchange their stories. Garge says, “ya know Pat i tink dat one i was wit last night was dead.”
“Wat do ya mean?’ asks Pat.
“Well,’ says Garge “I was on top doin me lovins. She never moaned, groaned, smiled, or farted.
‘Well,” says Pat. “I tink mine was a witch.”
“A witch?” asks Garge.
“Yes, by. I was on top doin’ me lovin’s & I tought I would try out me new false teeth so I bit her on the tit & she farted & flew out da window.
It is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity known as the ‘barbeque’. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill – drink in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.
Here comes the important part:
(5) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another drink while he flips the meat.
(8) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauce and brings them to the table.
(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed her ‘night off,’ and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there’s just no pleasing some women.
SAFE AT LAST
I’ve torn out my alarm system & de-registered from the Neighbourhood Watch.
I’ve got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the centre.
The local police and other intelligence services are all watching my house 24/7.
I’ve never felt safer 🙂
IRS & THE BOAT OWNER
The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn’t paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them”.
Boat Owner: “Well, there’s Clarence, my deckhand, he’s been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there’s the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally”.
IRS AUDITOR: “That’s the guy I want to talk to – the mentally challenged one”.
Boat Owner: “That would be me. What would you like to know”?
I KNEW IT WOULD COME OUT ONE DAY
Secret Ingredients in Viagra.
I knew that labs and drug companies would bend to public and government FDA pressure, and someday divulge what are the ingredients in this “wonder” pill. Well, the waiting is over, here it is:
Vitamin B 4%
Vitamin C 2%
Vitamin E 3%
Spray Starch 2%
A student comes to the office of a young professor. Before entering, the lovely young lady glances in both directions down the hall, then closes his door behind her and kneels down before him, pleadingly.
“I would do anything to pass this exam.” She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.
“I mean”, she whispers, “I would do… Anything!”
He returns her gaze, “Anything?”
“Yes,… anything”, she says!
His voice softens, “Anything?”
“Anything”, she repeats again.
His voice turns to a whisper, “Would you be willing to … study?”
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY
A family was having dinner on Mother’s Day. For some reason the mother was unusually quiet. Finally, the husband asked what was wrong.
“Nothing,” said the woman.
Not buying it, he asked again, “Seriously, what’s wrong?”
“Do you really want to know? Well, I’ll tell you. I have cooked and cleaned and fed the kids for 15 years and on Mother’s Day, you don’t even tell me so much as ‘Thank you.'”
“Why should I?” he said. “Not once in 15 years have I gotten a Father’s Day gift.”
“Yes,” she said, “but I’m their real mother.”
DRINKS SHOW YOUR PERSONALITY
Before you order a drink in public, you should read this! Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail’ a woman’s personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts. The results:
PART A: WOMEN-DRINKS
Personality: Causal, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the ass.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabana boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows EXACTLY what she wants.
Your Approach: You won’t have to approach her. If she’s interested, she’ll
send YOU a drink
Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually, she has NO clue.
Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is…this should be an easy target.
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk… and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed. Nothing to do but wait, however, be careful not to make her mad!
No explanations required – everyone just KNOWS what happens there.
PART B: MAN-DRINKS
The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: He’s poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid .
Wine: He is hoping that the wine will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesn’t give a damn about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: He’s gay.
Driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the freeway. Nothing is moving.
Suddenly a man knocks on the window. The driver rolls down his window and asks, “What’s going on?”
“Terrorists have kidnapped President Obama. They’re asking for a million dollar ransom, otherwise they’re going to douse him with gasoline and set him on fire. We’re going from car to car, taking up a collection.”
The driver asks, “How much is everyone giving, on average?”
“About a gallon.”
As an Edmonton trucker stops for a red light, a blonde who has been driving behind him for many city blocks catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says “Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load”. The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken before, the blonde says brightly, “Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says…
Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in Edmonton and I’m driving the SANDING TRUCK!”
Three men were sentenced to die – a Chinese, a Jamaican, and Trinidadian.
On the day they were sentenced to hang, the priest asked each man – “what’s your last wish?”
The Chinese said “Give me a moo goo gai pan.” After he ate the meal, they hung him.
The Jamaican was next. He said “give me some ackee, saltfish and jerk chicken.” After he ate his meal, they hung him too.
The Trinidadian then gave his last wish. He said: “Well, it’s a very long time that I haven’t sucked a mango.”
The priest replied: “Sorry, it’s not mango season.”
The Trini replied: Well, I will wait.”
BURGLARY IN FLORIDA (You can’t make this stuff up!!)
When southern Florida resident Nathan Radlich’s house was burglarized recently, thieves ignored his wide screen plasma TV, his VCR, and even left his Rolex watch. What they did take, however, was a white box filled with a grayish-white powder. (That’s the way the police report described it.)
A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said that it looked similar to high grade cocaine and they’d probably thought they’d hit the big time.
Later, Nathan stood in front of numerous TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: “Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago.”
The next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a local drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan’s doorstep. The white box was there too; about half of Gertrude’s ashes remained.
Scotch taped to the box was this note which said: “Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted half of your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day.”
LITTLE JOHHNY AT THE POLICE STATION
Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted criminals.
One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The detectives want very badly to capture him.”
Little Johnny asked, “Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?”
GEORGE CARLIN: NAPALM & SILLY PUTTY DROPPINGS
Now, a few basic points about driving. One of the first things they teach you in Driver’s Ed is where to put your hands on the steering wheel. They tell you put ’em at ten o’clock and two o’clock. Never mind that. I put mine at 9:45 and 2:17. Gives me an extra half hour to get where I’m goin’.
Fun at the ballpark: Y’ever notice a lot of guys bring a glove to the game to catch a foul ball? Never mind that, bring a bat! When a foul ball comes flying toward you, BAM! Hit it back to the players. Everyone will sense you’re a fun fan. They’ll be glad they came to the ballpark on straitjacket night.
I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.
In some hotels they give you a little sewing kit. You know what I do? I sew the towels together. One time I sewed a button on a lampshade. I like to leave a mark.
I always refer to any individual member of the Red Sox as a Red Sock. Is this correct?
I think they ought to have black confetti. It would be great for funerals. Especially if the dead person wasn’t too popular.
You say to a guy, “How are ya?” He says, “Fine and dandy.” Not me. I never say that. You know why? because I’m never both those things at the same time. Sometimes I’m fine. But I’m not dandy. I might be close to dandy. I might be approaching dandy. I might even be in the general vicinity of dandyhood. But not quite fully dandy. Other times, I might indeed be highly dandy. However, not fine. One time, 1978. August. For about an hour. I was both fine and dandy at the same time. But nobody asked me how I was. I coulda told ’em, “Fine and dandy!” I consider it a lost opportunity.
An american was touring Mexico. After his day’s sight-seeing, he stops at a
local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he notices a sizzling, scrumptious
looking platter being served at the next table. Not only it looked good, but
the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, “What was that you just served
the gentleman at the next table?”
The waiter replied, “Ah, senor, you have excellent taste! Those were the
bull’s testicles from the bull-fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American was momentarily daunted when he learnt the origin of the dish.
But then he said, “What the hell? I am on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day,
since there is only one bull-fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow
and place your order, you will be sure to have this delicacy!”
The next morning, the American returned, placed his order, and was served
the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he called
the waiter and said, “These are smaller than the ones I saw you serve
The waiter replied, ” Si, senor, I know. But sometimes the bull wins.”
LIVE WITH THE MAPLE LEAFS
A child stands in court before a judge. His parents are divorcing and the judge is asking him which parent he would like to live with. “Would you like to live with your mother?” the judge asks.
“No! She beats me every night I don’t want to live with her!”
So the judge says “Ok, you can go live with your dad then.”
The child replies, “No! He beats me every night as well! I don’t want to live with him!”
The judge replies, “Well if both your parents beat you then who do you want to live with?”
The boy replies, “The Toronto Maple Leafs.”
The judge is puzzled. “Why would you want to live with them?” he asks.
The boy replies, “Because they don’t beat anyone!
LONE RANGER AMBUSHED
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party.
The Indian Chief proclaims, “So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger” …
“In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days.”
“Before I kill you, I grant you three requests”
“What is your FIRST request???’
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back.
As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse”,
“But I will still kill you in two days. What is your SECOND request???”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse.
Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse’s ear.
As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.
She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
“You are indeed a man of many talents,”
“But I will still kill you tomorrow.”
“What is your LAST request?”
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse, …. alone.”
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent.
Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, listen Very Carefully
FOR… THE… LAST… TIME… I SAID … “BRING POSSE”
2 TOUGH QUESTIONS
If you knew a woman who was pregnant, who had 8 kids already, three who were deaf, two who were blind, one mentally retarded, and she had syphilis, would you recommend that she have an abortion?
Read the next question before looking at the response for this one.
It is time to elect a new world leader, and only your vote counts.
Here are the facts about the three candidates.
Associates with crooked politicians, and consults with astrologists. He’s had two mistresses. He also chain smokes and drinks 8 to 10 Martinis a day.
He was kicked out of office twice, sleeps until noon, used opium in college and drinks a quart of whisky every evening.
He is a decorated war hero. He’s a vegetarian, doesn’t smoke, drinks an occasional beer and never committed adultery.
Which of these candidates would be our choice?
Decide first… No peeking, and then scroll down for the response.
Candidate A is Franklin D. Roosevelt.
Candidate B is Winston Churchill.
Candidate C is Adolf Hitler.
And, by the way, on your answer to the abortion question:
If you said YES, you just killed Beethoven.
Pretty interesting isn’t it?
Makes a person think before judging someone.
Remember: Amateurs … Built the ark.
Professionals … Built the Titanic
THE BLONDE PILOT
This is the story of the poor dizzy blonde flying in a two-seater airplane with just the pilot.
He has a heart attack and dies. She, frantic, calls out a May Day.
“May Day! May Day! Help me! Help me! My pilot had a heart attack and is dead.
And I don’t know how to fly. Help me! Please help me!”
She hears a voice over the radio saying:
“This is Air Traffic Control and I have you loud and clear. I will talk you through this and
get you back on the ground. I’ve had a lot of experience with this kind of problem.
‘Now, just take a deep breath. Everything will be fine! Now give me your height and position.”
She says, “I’m 5’4″ and I’m in the front seat.”
“O.K.” says the voice on the radio…. “Repeat after me: Our Father…. Who art in Heaven. .
SHE’S NOT MY WIFE
A woman told her husband, “I finally got rid of those headaches that have killed me all these years. I saw a hypnotist today and he told me to stand before a mirror and repeat to myself, ‘I do not have a headache’ three times. It worked! My headache is gone.”
Her husband replied, “That’s wonderful. Maybe he could help my libido.”
The next day he went to the hypnotist. When he got home, he ripped off his clothes, picked up his wife, carried her to their bedroom, put her on the bed, and said, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back.”
He spent a few minutes in the bathroom, returned, and made passionate love like he hadn’t in years!
His wife said, “That was wonderful! Want to go again?”
He said, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back” and headed to the bathroom.
Curious, this time she followed him. She found him standing before the mirror saying, “She’s not my wife. She’s not my wife! She’s…”
His funeral service will be held on Friday.
One of Microsoft’s finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and bullets.
He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.
The tech looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again.
He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”
A MAN’S RANDOM THOUGHTS
Went out last night and got really wasted. I woke up in the middle of the night next to some chick that was snoring and farting, so I knew I made it home OK!
The wife’s back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.
I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell “disaster”.
My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.
I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or “foreplay” as she likes to call it.
After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, “Screw it, soldier on!”
I woke up this morning at 8, and could smell something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald’s serves breakfast until 11:30.
Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.
The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her, “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!”
My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!”
“Oh,” I replied, “so now you want me to stay!”
A Catholic boy in confession says, “Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister.”
“That’s a disgrace,” said the priest, “especially when you have two gorgeous brothers.”
I’ve just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she’s moving during sex.
A fart is a pleasant thing…
It gives the belly ease…
It warms the bed in winter…
And suffocates the fleas.
A fart can be quiet…
A fart can be loud…
Some leave a powerful…
A fart can be short…
Or a fart can be long…
Some farts have been known…
To sound like a song…..
A fart can create…
A most curious medley…
A fart can be harmless…
Or silent…and deadly.
A fart might not smell…
While others are vile…
A fart may pass quickly…
Or linger a while…
A fart can occur…
In a number of places…
And leave everyone there…
With strange looks on their faces.
From wide-open prairie…
To small elevators…
A fart will find all of us sooner or later.
But that farts are all bad…
Is simply not true…
We must never forget…
Sweet old farts like you!
The Northerner’s son graduated from college and was offered a good job, but it was in the Deep South .
Dad was worried about his son going off to such a strange land and he warned him to avoid entanglements with southern women.
“They can’t cook the kind of food we northerners eat, they won’t keep the house clean, they don’t like sex, and if you marry one
she’ll call you a Damn Yankee the rest of your life.”
After a few months, the son telephoned Dad and told him he had just met a wonderful Southern girl, and thought he was in love with her.
Dad repeated his warnings about Southern women and their shortcomings.
After another couple of months, the son called Dad and told him he and his Southern girl were getting married. Dad just moaned and groaned and repeated his warnings.
Two more months go by and son telephones Dad……”Dad, you were wrong. My wife is a great cook, keeps the house neat as a pin, and she absolutely loves sex.”
Dad responded, “Well, what about the fourth thing — her calling you a Yankee?”
“Oh, we reached an agreement on that. She won’t call me a Yankee and I won’t call her a nigger.”
One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class.
Teacher : What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
Johnny : I would want a wife like the moon
Teacher : Wow! What a choice… Do you want her to be beautiful and calm like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning…
You are too Canadian if…
1. You know all the words to “If I Had a Million Dollars”, including the inter-stanza banter between Steven and Ed.
2. You dismiss all beers under 6% as “for children and the elderly”.
3. You experience a warm fuzzy feeling while picturing a fat man with a blonde Mr. Spock haircut giving a recorder recital to an audience of two: an orange and purple sleepy-eyed giraffe with a voice like Lee Marvin and a pin-headed hyper rooster who is made out of a flannel tea cozy and lives in a bag on the wall.
4. You can easily get several people near you to wax nostalgic on this same image (#3).
5. This doesn’t bother you at all (#4).
6. You know who Ernie Coombs is.
7. You can still whistle the theme to “The Littlest Hobo”.
8. Whenever you hear the word “car”, you have to stop yourself from involuntarily reaching back for a hockey net.
9. You remember when Alanis Morisette was “Too Hot To Hold”.
10. You have memorized the Heritage Foundation’s Heritage Moments, including your favourites, “I smell burnt toast, Doctor”, “You all know I canna read a word… (was that REALLY Sarah McLachlan in that one?)”, “Of course, the medium is the message”, and “Kanata”.
11. You send angry letters to the CBC demanding the return of the “Hinterland Who’s Who” spots so you can finally find out what happens to the arctic ptarmigan in winter.
12. You participate in “ParticiPACtion”. At least, until you fall down laughing when you think of how your hair is getting “sweat-EE and out-of-CONtrol”.
13. You spend sleepless nights wondering if Peter Mansbridge and Wendy Mesley will ever find again the blissful love they once knew.
14. You have an Inuit carving by your bedside with the rationale, “What’s good enough protection for the Prime Minister is good enough for me”.
15. You really miss the ongoing saga of Jacques and William. Did they ever escape those soldiers? And what about the girls? Strangely, just thinking about it makes me thirsty…
16. You wonder if you’re the only one who would like to see Ralph Benmergui and Ian Hanomansing team up and become the new Wayne and Shuster.
17. You wonder why there isn’t a 5 dollar coin yet, because you can really use more change (You are already wearing your pants halfway down your ass and the hair and three layers of skin is worn off the front of your thighs from carrying your pocket money around). The new coin should have a picture of a musk-ox on it and be the size of a hamburger pattie and have fifteen different kinds of metals in it, including poutine.
18. You know Ashley MacIssac isn’t Celtic enough.
19. Unlike any international assassin/terrorist/spy in the world, you don’t possess a Canadian passport.
20. You have been on Speaker’s Corner. Bonus points if The Devil’s Advocates made fun of you.
21. You use a red pen on your non-Canadian textbooks and fill in the missing ‘u’s from labor, honor, and color.
22. You know the French equivalents of “free”, “prize” and “no sugar added”, thanks to your extensive education in bilingual cereal packaging.
23. You are excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada. You make a mental note to talk about it at work the next day.
24. Pet stores, even now, bring back fond memories of Hammy the Hamster
25. You can do all the hand actions to Sharon, Lois and Bram’s “Skin-a-ma-rinky-dinky-doo” opus.
26. You can eat more than one maple sugar candy without feeling nauseous.
27. You wonder idly if there is some government coverup of a covert operation behind shifting the shooting location of “X Files” from British Columbia to California, but you’re far too apathetic to do anything about it anyway, though it was nice seeing some of the old “Beachcombers” cast getting some TV work now and then.
28. You wonder how the hell JD Roberts moved from MuchMusic VJ to national anchor for CBS.
29. You know that a “Premier” isn’t a baby born a few weeks early.
30. You read rather than scanned this list
NOTE ON THE FRIDGE
I came home from the golf course today.
The wife had left a note on the refrigerator:
“IT’S NOT WORKING, I can’t take it anymore!! Gone to stay with my mother.”
I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold…
What’s she talking about?
THE BLUE PIGEON
The Mayor of London was very worried about a plague of pigeons in the City Centre.
He could not remove the pigeons from the city. All of London was full of pigeon poop, the people of London could not walk on the pavements, or drive on the roads.
It was costing a fortune to keep the streets and pavements clean.
One day a man came to the Town Hall and offered the Mayor a Proposition.
‘I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons without any cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any questions or, you can pay me one million pounds to ask one question.’
The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free proposition. The next day the man climbed to the top of the Nelson’s Column, opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in the air and flew up into the bright blue London sky.
All the pigeons in London saw the blue pigeon and gathered up in the air behind the bird. The London pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew eastwards out of the city.
The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to the man on top of Nelson’s Column.
The Mayor was very impressed. He felt the man and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous service to rid London of the plague of pigeons. Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing, the mayor presented him with a cheque for 1 million pounds and told the man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to pay the 1 million just to get to ask ONE question.
The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his ONE Question.
The Mayor asked:
‘Do you have a blue Muslim?
PLAYING BY THE RULES
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?”
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?”
The little boy nodded yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “when a strike is called, or you’re out at first, you don’t argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?”
Again the little boy nodded.
“Good,” said the coach, “now go over there and explain it to your mother.”
A CLOSE SHAVE
A Texan walked into a barbershop, sat on the barber’s chair and said, “I’ll have a straight-razor shave and a shoe shine.”
The barber began to lather his face while the most beautiful woman that he had ever seen, knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The Texan drawled, “Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a hotel room.”
She replied, “I’m married and my husband wouldn’t like that.”
The Texan said, “Tell him you’re working overtime and I’ll pay you the difference.”
She said, “You tell him. He’s the one shaving you!”
FLOWERS … AGAIN!
Two friends, a blonde and a redhead, are walking down the street.
They pass a flower shop where the redhead saw her boyfriend buying flowers.
Red sighed and said, “Oh, crap, my boyfriend is buying me flowers again.”
The blonde looked quizzically at her and said, “You don’t like getting flowers from your boyfriend?”
The redhead said, “I love getting flowers, but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don’t feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.”
The blonde says, “Don’t you have a vase?”
POLICEMAN TESTIFIES IN COURT
If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman’s credibility….
Q: “Officer — did you see my client fleeing the scene?”
A: “No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.”
Q: “Officer — who provided this description?”
A: “The officer who responded to the scene.”
Q: “A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?”
A: “Yes, sir. With my life.”
Q: “With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have
a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?”
A: “Yes sir, we do! ”
Q: “And do you have a locker in the room?”
A: “Yes sir, I do.”
Q: “And do you have a lock on your locker?”
A: “Yes sir.”
Q: “Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?”
A: “You see, sir — we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.”
The courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.
ARE YOU BITTER?
Did you make it through that last relationship alive? Did you come out the other end a better person? Bitter or Better?
Here’s your chance to find out for yourself. Why pay some expensive shrink who’s only going to tell the ex anyway?
1. You’re drunk at a party. You’re talking to a nice looking woman about:
a. The last 10 years of your sporting achievements.
b. How many ‘chicks’ you ‘scored’ last year.
c. The new computer you bought.
d. The bitch that ripped your heart out of your chest, threw it on the ground, stomped on it, shot it, kicked it, set it on fire, chopped it into little pieces, then FLUSHED IT DOWN THE TOILET!
2. The best song ever sung was:
a. “We Will Rock You”, Queen.
b. “With a Little help from my friends”, Joe Cocker.
c. “Video killed the Radio Star”, The Buggles.
d. “Everything about you”, Ugly Kid Joe.
3. For your holiday you have booked yourself into:
a. The presidential suite of a luxury waterfront hotel.
b. The Betty Ford Clinic.
c. A course on the latest incarnation of Windows NT.
d. Any place where there aren’t any bloody women to torment you!
4. Some friends of your ex come in from out of town. You’ve always got on well with them. You:
a. Invite them out to a bar for a couple of drinks to catch up on what’s new in their lives.
b. Invite them out on a 12 hour Nightclub-Bender.
c. Offer to fill their laptop with the latest pirated games.
d. Invite them out to dinner, then half-way through slip out and torch their car.
5. Your ex calls to see how you are. You:
a. Say you’re good and it was for the best.
b. Say that you bar buddies are right, you realise that you can do better.
c. My ex what?
d. Tell her she’s NOT going to worm her way back into your affections like that just so she can RIP what’s left of your heart out and STOMP it some more, but you do really miss her and won’t she just reconsider?
6. Some psychology students want to interview you for a profile of how the everyday “Joe” deals with rejection. You:
a. Say “Sure, any time”.
b. Say “Maybe, what does it involve?”
c. Say “Sexual, Social, Physical or Operating System?”
d. Say “Sure, I’VE GOT SOME STORIES TO TELL! LET’S DO IT, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!”
7. Your ex’s parents still like to keep in touch. They’re having a party, the theme of which is “funny t-shirts”. You buy:
a. The shirt with “Beam me up Scotty, there’s no intelligent life down here!”.
b. The shirt “Sex Instructor, First Lesson Free”.
c. The shirt “My co-worker installed OS/2 and all I got was this lousy t-shirt”.
d. A shirt with “The world can kiss my shiny, stainless steel butt” on the front, and “Pucker up Buttercup”(and large arrow) on the back, because you know SHE is going to be there.
How did you rate?
You’re a survivor. You’ll go on to do good things. Women will love you. Often.
You’re not so much a survivor, but your pit-crew back at the bar can always get you to the condition of JUST socially roadworthy.
What are you doing taking this test? Don’t you have confidence and nerve to burn?
DOWN BOY! You’re so bitter you use lemon as a sweetener! Your vanity plates probably say “KILL ME”! You need help, lots of it, right now!
A woman went into a bar in Calgary and saw a Mountie with his feet propped up on a table.
He had the biggest boots she’d ever seen. She asked him if was true what they say about men with big feet.
The Mountie grinned and said, “Sure is, little lady.
Why don’t you come over to the barracks and let me prove it to you?” The woman wanted to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him.
The next morning she handed him a $100 bill. Blushing, he said, “Well, thanks, ma’am. I’m real flattered, nobody ever paid me for my services before.”
“Don’t be flattered…take the money and buy yourself boots that fit.”
TWO CATHOLIC PARROTS
A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, “Father, I have a problem.
I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”
“What do they say?” the priest inquired.
They say,”Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
“That’s obscene!” the priest exclaimed. Then he thought for a moment. “You know,” he said, “I may have a solution to your problem.
I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we’ll put them in the cage with Francis and Peter.
My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying that phrase in no time.”
“Thank you,” the woman responded, “this may very well be the solution.”
The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest’s house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage holding rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: “Hi, we’re hookers! Do you want to have some fun?”
There was stunned silence.
Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, “Put the beads away Francis, our prayers have been answered!”
ARE YA WALKIN’ O DRIVIN’?
An American tourist was visiting a small village in Newfoundland.
He approached a local person and asked, “What’s the quickest way to Marystown?”
The local, scratched his head, “Are ya walkin ER drivin?” he asked the stranger.
“I’m driving,” said the stranger.
“Well, Yep….that’s the quickest way for sure…” said the Newfie, as he waved good bye.
You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender even in English.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It’s an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it’s often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there’s the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they’re soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it’s always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn’t changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it’s handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it’d be male, didn’t you? But consider this – it gives a man pleasure, he’d be lost without it, and while he doesn’t always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
THE YEAR WAS 1955
Did you hear the post office is thinking about charging 7 cents just to mail a letter?
If they raise the minimum wage to $1.00, nobody will be able to hire outside help at the store.
When I first started driving, who would have thought gas would someday cost 25 cents a gallon?
Guess we’d be better off leaving the car in the garage.
I’m afraid to send my kids to the movies any more.
Ever since they let Clark Gable get by with saying DAMN in GONE WITH THE WIND, it seems every new movie has either HELL or DAMN in it.
I read the other day where some scientist thinks it’s possible to put a man on the moon by the end of the century.
They even have some fellows they call astronauts preparing for it down in Texas.
Did you see where some baseball player just signed a contract for $50,000 a year just to play ball?
It wouldn’t surprise me if someday they’ll be making more than the President.
I never thought I’d see the day all our kitchen appliances would be electric.
They’re even making electric typewriters now.
It’s too bad things are so tough nowadays. I see where a few married women are having to
work to make ends meet.
It won’t be long before young couples are going to have to hire someone to watch their kids so they can both work.
I’m afraid the Volkswagen car is going to open the door to a whole lot of foreign business.
Thank goodness I won’t live to see the day when the Government takes half our income in taxes.
I sometimes wonder if we are electing the best people to government.
The fast food restaurant is convenient for a quick meal, but I seriously doubt they will ever catch on.
There is no sense going on short trips anymore for a weekend. It costs nearly $2.00 a night to stay in a hotel.
No one can afford to be sick anymore. At $15.00 a day in the hospital, it’s too rich for my blood.
If they think I’ll pay 30 cents for a haircut, forget it.
It was early morning at the military base, and the first sergeant was calling out names for the daily work parties listed on a piece of paper: “Johnson”
No answer was heard again.
The troops remained totally silent.
At that point, someone whispered into the first sergeant’s ear. He looked again at what the last name really said, turned a bright crimson red, and quickly turned over the list to continue calling the names printed on the other side.
This morning I went to sign my dogs up for welfare.
At first the lady said, “Dogs are not eligible to draw welfare.”
So I explained to her that my dogs are mixed in colour, unemployed, lazy, can’t speak English and have no frigging clue who their daddies are.
They expect me to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care.
So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My dogs get their first cheques on Friday.
Damn, this is a great country, eh?
A GREAT WRITER
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define “great” he said, “I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!”
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
At the War College, the general is a guest lecturer and tells the class of officers that the session will focus on potential problems and the resulting strategies.
One of the officers in the class begins by asking the first question, “Will we have to fight a World War Three?”
“Yes, comrades, looks like you will,” answers the general.
“And who will be our enemy, Comrade General?” another officer asks.
“The likelihood is that it will be China.”
The class looks alarmed, and finally one officer asks, “But Comrade General, we are 300 million people and they are about 1.5 billion. How can we possibly win?”
“Well,” replies the general, “Think about it. In modern war, it is not the quantity, but the quality that is the key. For example, in the Middle East, 5 million Jews fight against 50 million Arabs, and the Jews have been the winners every time.”
“But sir,” asks the panicky officer, “Do we have enough Jews”?
There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had inegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address although it did have a return address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. Have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope…Can you please help me?
The postal worker was touched.
He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends. Christmas came and went.
A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it might have been those bastards at the post office.
You’re getting old when you don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go with them.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his Doctor instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
At my age, “getting a little action” means I don’t need to take a laxative.
Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through the Senate.
WHEN U BLACK, U BLACK
When I was born, I was BLACK,
When I grew up, I was BLACK,
When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,
When I got cold, I was BLACK,
When I was scared, I was BLACK,
When I was sick, I was BLACK,
And when I die, I’ll still be BLACK.
Now, you ‘white’ folks……
When you’re born, you’re PINK,
When you grow-up, you’re WHITE,
When you go in the sun, you get RED,
When you’re cold, you turn BLUE,
When you’re scared, you’re YELLOW,
When you get sick, you’re GREEN
When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,
And when you die, you look GREY.
So, why y’all be callin’ us COLORED folks?
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like ‘X’ and ‘Y’ and refer to themselves as ‘unknowns’, but we have determined that they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval and have coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, ‘There are 3 sides to every triangle’.
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, ‘If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, he would have given us more fingers and toes.’
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
THE LIGHT TURNED YELLOW
The light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer. The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a while, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door she was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, “I’m very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak.
I noticed the ‘What Would Jesus Do’ bumper sticker, the ‘Choose Life’ license plate holder, the ‘Follow Me to Sunday-School’ bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally….I assumed you had stolen the car.”
I was going to write a joke about alcoholic midgets but I don’t want to lower the bar.
Two midgets walk into a mini-bar.
You lost me at “non-alcoholic”
I’m a recovering alcoholic. Or, as my mate describes me; hung-over.
I was drinking at the bar last night, so I took a bus home…That may not be a big deal to you, but I’ve never driven a bus before.
An alcoholic hits his woman; a stoner hits it with his woman.
I’m not alcoholic; I only drink twice a year. When it’s my birthday, and when it’s not my birthday.
Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is stand up and say, “My name is Tom and I’m an alcoholic?”
THE END OF MAXINE
As we progress through 2014, I want to thank each one of you for your educational e-mails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery.
I can no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, nor let the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can’t sit down on a hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
I have trouble shaking hands with someone who has been driving because the number one pastime while driving alone is picking one’s nose.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans-fats I have consumed over the years.
I can’t touch any woman’s handbag for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public toilet.
I must send my special thanks for the email about rat poo in the glue on envelopes because I now have to use a wet sponge with every envelope that needs sealing.
ALSO, now I have to scrub the top of every can I open for the same reason.
I can’t have a drink in a bar because I fear I’ll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone.
I can’t eat at KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can’t use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an e-mail to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.
I no longer buy fuel without taking someone along to watch the car, so a serial killer doesn’t crawl in my back seat when I’m filling up.
I no longer use Cling Wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer.
And thanks for letting me know I can’t boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face, disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the cinema because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down.
I no longer go to shopping centers because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a huge phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda , Singapore and Uzbekistan ..
Thanks to you I can’t use anyone’s toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
And thanks to your great advice I can’t ever pick up a coin dropped in the car park because it was probably placed there by a sex molester waiting to grab me as I bend over.
I can’t do any gardening because I’m afraid I’ll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
Oh, and by the way…
A German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read online with their hand on the mouse.
Don’t bother taking it off now, it’s too late.
P. S. I now keep my toothbrush in the living room, because I was told by e-mail that water splashes over 6 ft. out of the toilet.
NOW YOU HAVE YOURSELF A VERY GOOD DAY…
The Michaels family owned a small farm in Canada, just yards away from the North Dakota border. Their land had been the subject of a minor dispute between the United States and Canada for generations.
Mrs. Michaels, who had just celebrated her ninetieth birthday, lived on the farm with her son and three grandchildren.
One day, her son came into her room holding a letter.
“I just got some news, Mom,” he said. “The government has come to an agreement with the people in Washington. They’ve decided that our land is really part of the United States. We have the right to approve or disapprove of the agreement. What do you think?”
“What do I think?” his mother said. “Jump at it! Call them right now and tell them we accept! I don’t think I could stand another one of those Canadian winters!”
GOING TO TORONTO
A plane is on its way to Toronto, when a blonde in economy class gets up and moves to the first class section and sits down.
The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.
She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m staying right here”.
The flight attendant goes into the cockpit and tells the pilot and co-pilot that there is a blonde bimbo sitting in first class that belongs in economy, and won’t move back to her seat.
The co-pilot goes back to the blonde and tries to explain that because she only paid for economy she will have to leave and return to her seat.
The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Toronto, and I’m staying right here”.
The co-pilot tells the pilot that he probably should have the police waiting when that land to arrest this blonde woman who won’t listen to reason.
The pilot says, “You say she’s a blonde? I’ll handle this, I’m married to a blonde. I speak blonde”.
He goes back to the blonde and whispers in her ear and she says, “Oh, I’m sorry,” and gets up and goes back to her seat in economy .
The flight attendant and co-pilot are amazed and asked him what he said to make her move without and fuss.
“I told her, ‘First class isn’t going to Toronto’ “.
Law of Logical Argument—Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.
Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy—As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.
Law of Lockers—If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
Law of the Bath—When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Supermarket Law—As soon as you get in the smallest line, the cashier will have to call for help.
A man was wheeling himself frantically down the hall of the hospital in his wheelchair trying to escapre just before his operation.
A nurse stopped him and asked, “What’s the matter?”
He said, “I heard the nurse say, ‘It’s a very simple operation, don’t worry, I’m sure it will be all right.'”
“She was just trying to comfort you, what’s so frightening about that?”
“She wasn’t talking to me. She was talking to the doctor!”
3 LIBERATED WOMEN
Three women meet at a Women’s Liberation Seminar, one Australian, one American and one English.
Two weeks after the Seminar they met and had coffee, the American woman say’s ” when I got home I told my husband that I was no longer doing the washing all the time. On the first day I didn’t see anything, on the second day I didn’t see anything but on the third day I noticed my husband starting to help out with the washing.
The English woman said ” Wow I did the same thing, I said to my husband that I was no longer going to do the ironing all by myself, on the fist day I didn’t see anything, on the second day I didn’t see anything, but on the third day he got the ironing board out and started ironing”
The Australian woman said ” Well when I got home I said to my husband that I was not going to do the cooking all the time and on the first day I didn’t see anything and on the second day I didn’t see anything but on the third day I could just start to see out of my left eye. !!!!
ODE TO FATHERS
For all the fathers out there, how many of these have you said?
Don’t ask me, ask your mother.
Were you raised in a barn?
Close the door.
You didn’t beat me. I let you win.
Big boys don’t cry.
Don’t worry. It’s only blood.
Don’t you know any normal boys?
Now you listen to ME, Buster! I’ll play catch after I read the paper.
Coffee will stunt your growth.
A little dirt never hurt anyone, just wipe it off..
Get your elbows off the table.
I told you, keep your eye on the ball.
Who said life was supposed to be fair?
Always say please and thank you. That way, you get more. If you forget, you’ll be grounded till the end of the world.
You call that a haircut?
“Hey” is for horses.
This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.
Turn off those lights.
Do you think I am made of money?
Don’t give me any of your lip, young lady.
You call that noise “music”?
We’re not lost. I’m just not sure where we are.
No, we’re not there yet.
Shake it off. It’s only pain.
When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.
As long as you live under my roof, you’ll live by my rules.
I’ll tell you why. Because I said so. That’s why.
Do what I say, not what I do.
Sit up straight!
So you think you’re smart, do you?
What’s so funny? Wipe that smile off your face.
Young ladies perspire, they do not sweat.
If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times.
C’mon, you throw like a girl.
You want something to do? I’ll give you something to do.
You should visit more often. Your mother worries.
This is your last warning. Your mother worries.
I’m not sleeping, I was watching that channel.
What keeps those jeans of yours from falling off?
I’m not just talking to hear my own voice!
Don’t believe anything you hear and only half of what you see.
What do you think I am, a bank?
What part of NO don’t you understand?
I don’t care what other people are doing! I’m not everybody else’s father!
You’re not leaving my house dressed like that! What will other parents think?
Could those sleeves be any longer? You look like a bag lady!
Worrying about things you can’t change is like a rocking chair… it gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere.
Hurt much? I didn’t feel a thing.
I feel for you, but I can’t reach you from here.
If you’re gonna be dumb, you’ve gotta be tough.
Didn’t your teacher learn you anything?!
You can marry a rich guy just as easily as you can a poor guy.
It’s hard to be good, and easy to be bad.
I got my tongue wrapped around my eye-tooth and couldn’t see what I was saying.
Men are like buses. Just wait on the corner and another one will come along.
Don’t tell on anybody unless you tell on yourself first.
Hey, did you hear me talking to you?
You know you’re always gonna be Daddy’s little girl.
I’m not watching television. I’m resting my eyes.
Don’t use that tone with me!
Am I talking to a brick wall?
If I catch you doing that one more time, I’ll…
Act your age.
Two wrongs do not make a right.
Wipe your feet!
Enough is enough!
Don’t make me stop the car!
What did I just get finished telling you?
ONE FOR THE LADIES
Once upon a time there was a female brain cell that by mistake happened to end up in a man’s head. She looked around nervously but it was all empty and quiet.
“Hello?” she cried, but no answer. Is there anyone here?” she cried a little louder, but still no answer.
Now the female brain cell started to feel alone and scared and yelled: “HELLO, IS THERE ANYONE HERE?”
Then she heard a voice from far, far away: “Hello, we’re down here…”
NEWFIES FLY TO TORONTO
Henry and Mike decide to leave Newfoundland and fly to Ontario. Before they leave, Henry’s dad gives them a bit of advice: “You watch out for those Toronto cab drivers. If you give ’em an inch, they’ll take a yard. They’ll rob you blind. There’s nothing you can do – except don’t you go paying them what they ask. You haggle.”
At the airport in Toronto they hail a cab to take them to their hotel. When they reach their destination, the cabbie says, “That’ll be twenty dollars, lads.”
“Oh no you don’t! My dad warned me about you. You’ll only be getting fifteen dollars from me,” says Henry.
“And you’ll only get fifteen from me too.” Adds Mike.
GOSSIP & RUMOUR
Pamela, the church gossip and self-appointed supervisor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several residents were unappreciative of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Tony, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his pickup truck parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.
She commented to Tony and others that everyone seeing it there would know that he was an alcoholic.
Tony, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just walked away. He said nothing.
Later that evening, Tony quietly parked his pickup in front of Pamela’s house……….and he left it there all night!
OLD COUPLE’S SPAT
A very old couple, who have been married forever, are sitting on their porch one night.
Suddenly, the old woman reaches over and smacks her husband, knocking him off the porch and into the bushes.
He crawls back up and asks, “What was that for?”
She says, “For having a little pecker.”
He sits there quietly a moment, then smacks her, sending her off the other side of the porch and into the bushes.
She crawls back and says, “What was that for?”
He says, “For knowing there was more than one size.”
Due to the climate of political correctness now
pervading America , Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West
Virginians will no longer be referred to as
You must now refer to them as ‘APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS’.
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a “BABE” or a “CHICK” – She is a
“BREASTED AMERICAN (‘Female’ added is acceptable in
urban areas of 450 pop. or more).”
2. She is not “EASY” – She is “HORIZONTALLY
3. She is not a “DUMB BLONDE” – She is a “LIGHT-HAIRED
DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY”.
4. She has not “BEEN AROUND” – She is a
5 . She does not “NAG” you – She becomes “VERBALLY
6. She is not a “TWO-BIT HOOKER” – She is a “LOW COST
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a “BEER GUT” – He has developed a
“LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY”.
2. He is not a “BAD DANCER” – He is just “OVERLY
3. He does not “GET LOST ALL THE TIME” – He
“INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS”.
4. He is not “BALDING” – He is in “FOLLICLE
5. He does not act like a “TOTAL ASS” – He develops a
case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION”.
6. It’s not his “CRACK” you see hanging out of his
pants – It’s “REAR CLEAVAGE”
ALL DRESSED UP WITH NO PLACE TO GO
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM.
Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
She sleepily sat up and said, “Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I’ve got a splitting headache.”
“Certainly, honey,” he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.
As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, “Say,” said the druggist, “aren’t you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?”
“Yes, I am,” said the officer.
“Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief’s uniform?”
SENIOR TRYING TO SET A PASSWORD
WINDOWS: Please enter your new password.
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must be more than 8 characters.
USER: boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain 1 numerical character.
USER: 1 boiled cabbage
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot have blank spaces.
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password must contain at least one upper case character.
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot use more than one upper case character consecutively.
WINDOWS: Sorry, the password cannot contain punctuation.
WINDOWS: Sorry, that password is already in use.
SIR LANCELOT PONDERS WHAT DO WOMEN REALLY WANT?
Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals. So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question?….What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer. Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.
But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend! Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.
He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur’s question thus:
What a woman really wants, she answered….is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.
And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day….or night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do?
What Lancelot chose is below. BUT….make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time, because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
Now….what is the moral to this story?
The moral is…..
If you don’t let a woman have her own way….
Things are going to get ugly.
A shrimp walks into a restaurant.
The waiter says, “Sorry we don’t serve shrimp.”
“That’s alright,” replies the shrimp. “I want to order chicken.”
A man with an alligator walks into a restaurant.
He asks the owner, “Do you serve tax agents here?”
“Sure do,” the owner replies.
“Good, bring me a pizza,” says the man, “and my ‘gator will have a tax agent.”
DOG WATCHES MAPLE LEAFE GAMES
The man said, “My dog watches all the Maple Leafs games on TV. Every time they lose, he lies down and cried his eyes out.”
His friend says, “That’s incredible. What does he do when they win?”
The man replied, “I don’t know, but I’ll let you know when it actually happens.”
Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favor?’
‘Of course child. What may I do for you?’
‘Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?’
‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.’
‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’
‘From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.’
The official thought this answer strange, so asked, ‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’
‘I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.’
Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father. Next please!
A woman went to her doctor for advice.
She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.
“Do you enjoy it?” The doctor asked.
“Actually, yes, I do.”
“Does it hurt you?” he asked.
“No. I rather like it.”
“Well, then,” the doctor continued, “there’s no reason that you shouldn’t practice anal sex, if that’s what you like, so long as you take care not to get pregnant.”
The woman was mystified.
“What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?”
“Of course,” the doctor replied, “Where do you think politicians come from?”
Walking into the post office, Joe saw a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter busily placing ‘love’ stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. The man then removed a perfume bottle from his pocket and started spraying the scent on the envelopes.
Jack was overcome with curiosity and asked the man what he was doing.
“I’m sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed ‘Guess Who’,” the man explained.
“Why?” asked Jack.
“I’m a divorce lawyer,” the man replied.
THE 2 MOOSE HUNTERS
These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.
Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool)
They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.
The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.
So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call.
Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.
They called again, the bull answered closer to them.
They called again, the bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.
As the bulls’ pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said, “OK, let’s get out and get him”!
After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts – “THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!”
The front guy says, “Well, I’m gonna start nibbling grass, but you better brace yourself!”
AN AMERICAN TOURIST IN IRELAND
An American tourist in Northern Ireland was walking down a street in Belfast, all of a sudden someone puts a gun to his back and says: “Are you a Catholic or Protestant”
The American thinks “If I say Catholic he’ll shoot me because he’s a Protestant, but If I say Protestant he’ll shoot me because he’s a Catholic” thinking about it some more he answers: “I’m Jewish”
The man behind him laughs and says “Praise be to Allah, I’m the luckiest Arab in Ireland”
Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”
“No,” said his mom, “Of course not.”
Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay, we can play that game again!”
FUNNY GOLF QUOTES
Golf is not a game of good shots. It’s a game of bad shots.
They call it golf because all the other four letter words were taken.
Don’t play too much golf. Two rounds a day are plenty.
The only thing a golfer needs is more daylight.
Golf is played by twenty million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.
I play golf with friends sometimes, but there are never friendly games.
Golf is a good walk spoiled.
The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.
Golf is a day spent in a round of strenuous idleness.
Gilbert K. Chesterton
I regard golf as an expensive way of playing marbles.
ECONOMY JOKES – 2
Q: How is the bad economy affecting women in Beverly Hills?
A: For the first time they are using the sun to get a tan!
Q: How bad is the economy?
A1: Even people not associated with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes
A2: Michael Phelps has to share a bong
A3: Ben ate Jerry Q:
Why are people comparing the US Economy to the Detroit Lions?
A: They both have two consecutive quarters of declining productivity!
Q: Why are more people flying US Airways?
A: Because they are hoping geese hit the plane and they get $5000 dollars.
Q: Why are guys calling information in Bangkok?
A: To save money on phone sex!
Q: How bad is the economy?
A: When Bill and Hilary travel together they have to share a room!
Q: How do you know when the economy is getting worse?
A: People start standing behind George W Bush just to get the free shoes!
GEORGE CARLIN QUOTE
“I have solved this political dilemma in a very direct way: I don’t vote.
On Election Day, I stay home.
I firmly believe that if you vote, you have no right to complain.
Now, some people like to twist that around. They say, ‘If you don’t vote, you have no right to complain,’ but where’s the logic in that? If you vote, and you elect dishonest, incompetent politicians, and they get into office and screw everything up, you are responsible for what they have done. You voted them in. You caused the problem. You have no right to complain.
I, on the other hand, who did not vote — who did not even leave the house on Election Day — am in no way responsible for that these politicians have done and have every right to complain about the mess that you created.”
My first drink with my son.
I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Fosters He didn’t like it – so I had it.
Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn’t like it, so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky, I could hardly push the stroller back home.
TWIN IRISH SISTERS CELEBRATE
Twin sisters in a Dublin Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.
The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take
pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.
Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The deaf sister said to her twin, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!”, said the other
“Now get a little closer together,” said the cameraman.
Again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE.”
So they wiggled up close to each other.
“Just hold on for a bit longer, I’ve got to focus a little,” said the photographer.
Yet again, “WHAT DID HE SAY?”
“HE SAYS HE’S GONNA FOCUS!”
With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out,
“OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US ????
YOU MIGHT BE CANADIAN IF …
1. You like to drink beer when:
a) Watching hockey
b) Challenged to drinking games by friends
c) When the boss is not looking
d) Only on days that end in Y
2. You enjoy hockey:
a) Enough to sleep outside in an Edmonton winter for Stanley Cup tickets
b) ALMOST enough to give up beer…Almost
c) As much to carry a hockey stick in your vehicle, just in case a game of shinney breaks out
d) So much as to hit anyone who says Wayne Gretzky is not Canadian
3. You will back out of going to your own wedding if:
a) You find out at the last minute your husband/wife hates hockey
b) You find out at the last minute your husband/wife hates beer
c) Your wedding is scheduled for game 7 of the Stanley Cup playoffs between 2 Canadian teams.
If you need to circle more than one answer for any or all of the questions, you are definitely Canadian.
LATE NIGHT PARTY
The mother and father had just given their teenage daughter family-car privileges.
On Saturday night she returned home very late from a party.
The next morning her father went out to the driveway to get the newspaper and came back into the house frowning.
At 11:30 AM the girl sleepily walked into the kitchen, and her father asked her, “Sweetheart, what time did you get in last night?”
“Not too late, Dad.” she replied nervously.
Dead-panned, her father said, “Then, my precious one, I’ll have to talk with the paperboy about putting my morning paper under the front tire of the car.
TAXIDERMIST IN A NEW ZEALAND BAR
A bloke walks into a bar in New Zealand and orders a shandy. All the Kiwis sitting around the bar look up, expecting to see another Australian visitor.
The barman says, “You ain’t from around here, are ya?”
The guy says, “No, I’m from Canada.”
The bartender says, “What do you do in Canada?”
The guy says, “I’m a taxidermist.”
The bartender says, “A tixidermist? What the hick is a tixidermist? Do you drive a tixi?”
“No, a taxidermist doesn’t drive a taxi. I mount animals.”
The bartender grins and yells, “He’s okay boys. He’s one of us.
In the back woods of Oklahoma, a redneck’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, “Here you hold this high so I can see what I am doing.”
Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there,” said the doctor, “Don’t be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there’s another one coming.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl.
“Hold that lantern up, don’t set it down there’s another one!” said the doctor.
Within a few minutes he had delivered another baby girl.
“No, no don’t be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there’s yet another one coming!” cried the doctor.
The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “You reckon it might be the light that’s attractin’ ’em?”
A WIFE STORY
An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning ’til night she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing the fields with his old mule.
He plowed a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch, his wife began nagging him again. Complain, nag – it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot!
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement.
This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said, “Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I’d nod my head in agreement.”
“And the men?” the minister asked.
“They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.”
PRESIDENT GEORGE BUSH QUOTES
US President George Bush is at it again. His hilarious snafus have got him enough media attention, notwithstanding his “war against terror” doctrine. Some of these quotes will go down in history as “Bush Says the Darndest Things!”
“Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN’s aren’t able to practice their love with women all across the country.
“There’s an old saying in Tennessee – I know it’s in Texas, probably in Tennessee… that says, fool me once, shame on… shame on you. Fool me… you can’t get fooled again.
“Well, I think if you say you’re going to do something and don’t do it, that’s trustworthiness.
“It’s clearly a budget. It’s got a lot of numbers in it.
“See, in my line of work you got to keep repeating things over and over and over again for the truth to sink in, to kind of catapult the propaganda.
“I just want you to know that, when we talk about war, we’re really talking about peace.
“We don’t believe in planners and deciders making the decisions on behalf of Americans.
“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.
“The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the… the vast majority of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these people and we will bring them to justice.
“I think we ought to raise the age at which juveniles can have a gun.
“If we don’t succeed, we run the risk of failure.
“You can fool some of the people all the time, and those are the ones you want to concentrate on.
“You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.”
JESUS IS THE ANSWER
As I was walking home this week worrying about all the crap going on in Washington, Ottawa, London, Moscow, Ukraine etc. and at how my life was falling apart, I saw a yard sign that said:
Out of curiosity and desperation, I did.
A Mexican showed up with a lawnmower!
A successful businessman flew to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the shirt off his back and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. If he could just get to the airport, he could get himself home.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabby. He promised to send the driver money from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his drivers license number, his address, etc., but to no avail.
The cabby said, “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!” So the businessman was forced to hitch-hike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the businessman, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.
Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs but his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity and he hit upon a plan. The businessman got in the first cab in the line. “How much for a ride to the airport?” he asked.
“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.
“And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?”
“What?! Get the hell out of my cab.”
The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, “How much for a ride to the airport?”
The cabby replied, “Fifteen bucks.” The businessman said, “Ok” and off they went.
Then, as he drove slowly past the long line of cabs the businessman gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each cab driver.
WHY PLAYOFF HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX:
1. It’s legal to play hockey professionally.
2. The puck is always hard.
3. Protective equipment is reusable and you don’t even have to wash it.
4. It lasts a full hour.
5. You know you’re finished when the buzzer sounds.
6. Your parents cheer when you score.
7. Periods only last 20 minutes.
8. You can count on it at least twice a week.
9. You can tell your friends about it afterwards.
10. A two-on-one or three-on-one is not uncommon.
TOP 10 REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Everybody assumes you’re a butt head
2. Racism is socially acceptable
3. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians
4. You take bets with your friends on which English neighbor will move out next
5. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
6. The FLQ
7. Your hockey team is made up entirely of dirty French guys
8. The province with the oldest, nastiest hookers
9. NON-smokers are the outcasts
10. You can blame all your problems on the “Anglo bastards”
THE COCK IS MISSING!!!
The priest in a small Irish village had a rooster and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church.
One Sunday morning, before mass, he went to feed the birds and discovered that the cock was missing.
He knew about cock fights in the village, so he questioned his parishioners in church.
During mass, he asked the congregation, ‘Has anybody got a cock? ‘
All the men stood up.
‘No, no, ‘ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock? ‘
All the women stood up.
‘No, no, ‘ he said, ‘ that wasn’t what I meant.
Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them? ‘
Half the women stood up.
‘No, no, ‘ he said, ‘that wasn’t what I meant.
Has anybody seen MY cock? ‘
Sixteen altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.
The priest fainted.
SIGN OF A HI-TECH PERSON
— You haven’t played solitaire with a real deck of cards in years.
— You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
–You call your son’s beeper to let him know that it is time to eat. He emails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?”
— Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
— You chat several times a day with someone from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken with your next door neighbor yet this year.
— Your daughter just bought a single CD of all the records your college roommate used to play.
— Your grandmother clogs up your email inbox asking you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
— You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
— The concept of using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase is foreign to you.
— You consider second-day air delivery painfully slow.
— Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have email addresses.
— You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
— You’ve printed this out and are reading it in the “library.”
A man and a woman were dating. She being of a religious nature had held back the worldly pleasure that he wanted from her so bad. In fact, he had never even seen her naked.
One day, as they drove down the freeway, she remarked about his slow driving habits.
‘I can’t stand it anymore,’ she told him. ‘Let’s play a game. For every 5 miles per hour over the speed limit you drive, I’ll remove one piece of clothing.’
He enthusiastically agreed and sped up the car and at the 55 MPH mark, so she took off her blouse. At 60 off came the pants. At 65 it was her bra and at 70 her panties.
Now seeing her naked for the first time and travelling faster than he ever had before, he became very excited and lost control of the car. He veered off the road, went over an embankment and hit a tree. His girlfriend was not hurt but he was trapped in the car. She tried to pull him free but alas he was stuck.
‘Go to the road and get help,’ he said.
‘I don’t have anything to cover myself with!’ she replied.
The man felt around, but could only reach one of his shoes. ‘You’ll have to put this between your legs to cover up,’ he told her.
So she did as he said and went up to the road for help. Along came a truck driver. Seeing a naked, crying woman along the road, he pulled over to hear her story.
‘My boyfriend! My boyfriend!’ she sobs, ‘He’s stuck and I can’t pull him out!’
The truck driver looking down at the shoe between her legs replies, ‘Ma’am, if he’s in that far, I’m afraid he’s a goner!’
ALCOHOL JOKES – 2
Mayan: Hey wanna drink? Other Mayan: I’m working on this calendar, but I guess if I don’t finish, it won’t be the end of the world.
Life and beer are very similar ….. chill for best results.
I’m not an alcoholic. Alcoholics need a drink, but I already have one.
If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?
I’m not an alcoholic alcoholics go to meetings, I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
You say alcoholic, I’ll say alcohol enthusiast
It’s true alcohol kills people, but how many are born because of it?
My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.
GENTLE CAJUN LADY
One day, a very gentle Cajun lady was driving across a high bridge in New Orleans.
As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixin’ to jump (“fixin’ to” in Cajun means getting ready to)
She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, “Please don’t jump! Think of your dear mother and father.”
He replied, “My mom and dad are both dead; I’m going to jump.”
She said, “Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children.”
He replied, “I’m not married, and I don’t have any kids.”
She said, “Well, then you just sing Dixie.”
He replied, ”What’s Dixie?”
She replied, “Well, bless your heart, you just go ahead and jump, you little Yankee Democrat Bastard, you’re holding up traffic”
NEVER FORCE CHILDREN TO PRAY
At dinner, little Johnny was asked to lead the prayer.
“But I don’t know how to pray,” he replied.
“Just pray for your family, friends and neighbors, the poor, etc.,” said his father.
“Okay”, the boy said,”.
“Dear Lord,… Thank you for our visitors and their children, who finished all my cookies and ice cream. Bless them so they won’t come again.
Forgive our neighbor’s son, who removed my sister’s clothes and wrestled with her on her bed.
This coming Christmas, please send clothes to all those poor naked ladies on my Daddy’s Blackberry.
And provide shelter for the homeless man who uses Mom’s room when Daddy is at work.
Dinner was cancelled.
PRICLESS – BILLY GRAHAM
Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home. As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.
‘You know’ he said, ‘I am 87 years old and I have never Driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?’
The driver said, ‘No problem. Have at it.’
Billy gets into the driver’s seat and they head off down the highway. A short distance away sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.
The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.
The trooper pulled out and easily caught the limo then got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure. The young trooper walked up to the driver’s door and when the glass was rolled down, he was surprised to see who was driving.
He immediately excused himself and went back to his car and called his supervisor. ‘I know we are supposed to enforce the law…. but I also know that important people are given certain courtesies. I need to know what I should do because I have stopped a very important person.’
The supervisor asked, ‘Is it the governor?’
The young trooper said, ‘No, he’s more important than that.’
The supervisor said, ‘Oh, so it’s the president.’
The young trooper said, ‘No, he’s even more Important than that.’
After a moment, the supervisor finally asked, ‘Well then, who is it?’
The young trooper said, ‘I think it’s Jesus, because he’s got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!’
THE PENGUIN WHISPERER
A man is driving down the highway when he sees a shipping truck wrecked on the side of the road, and 25 penguins waddling around outside it. He pulls over and the truck driver tells him, “Quick! You’ve gotta take these birds to the zoo while I wait for AAA!” The man agrees and drives off with the penguins.
After fixing his vehicle, the truck driver heads over to the zoo to make sure the penguins made it safely. There’s no sign of them. The truck driver panics and starts scouring the town for his missing penguins. An hour later he passes by the local cinema, when who does he see leaving the theater but the guy who said he’d help him, 25 penguins still in tow.
“What happened!” the truck driver screams. “I told you to take them to the zoo!”
“I did,” the man answers. “But I had a little money left over, so I thought I’d take them to a movie too.”
LAST OF THE ONE-LINERS
I spent four years in college. I didn’t learn a thing. It was really my own fault. I had a double major in psychology and reverse psychology.
Honestly Kind of Fugly Abe
If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?
Speak Softly, Kick Gently
If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.
Give me a one-handed economist! All my economists say, “On the one hand … on the other.”
Wake The Prez
I have left orders to be awakened at any time in case of a national emergency—even if I’m in a Cabinet meeting.
Right to Ignore
Being president is like running a cemetery: You’ve got a lot of people under you, and nobody’s listening.
I don’t think George Clooney has a bathroom mirror, just a note taped to the wall that says “Don’t worry about it.”
Comedian Eli Yudin
Lower Your Ears
Haircuts are great because I did none of the work but get all the credit.
@ludwig (Ludwig Pettersson)
People always ask me how long it takes to do my hair. I don’t know. I’m never there.
One time, a guy handed me a picture and said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” Every picture of you is when you were younger.
Comedian Mitch Hedberg
On the first day after his divorce, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.
On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, a bottle of spring-water, 3 cans of sardines.
When he’d finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar, and some sardines into the hollow center of the curtain rods.
He then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they couldn’t take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later – even though they’d cut their price in half – they couldn’t find a buyer for such a stinky house.
Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house.
Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10 nth of what the house had been worth … but only if he would sign the papers that very day.
He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork.
A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home …… and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
WINNIPEGGERS IN HELL
One Day two Winnipeggers were ice fishing on the Red River when all of a sudden the ice breaks, and the two Winnipeggers drown and go to Hell.
In Hell, the devil saw the Winnipeggers and saw that they were so happy because it was warm in Hell. Since you can’t have fun in hell the Devil turns up the heat, but the hotter it gets the happier the Winnipeggers are.
Ticked off the Devil turns down the heat so much that Hell froze over. The devil thought that the Winnipeggers were sure to be miserable now, but when he looked they were happier than ever.
Fed up with this the devil goes to the two Winnipeggers and asked why they were so happy.
They told him that since Hell froze over it must mean that the Bombers are going to win the Grey Cup and the Jets are coming back.
Judge: Why did you hit your husband with a chair?”
Wife: “I couldn’t lift the table.”
“What did one ghost say to another?”
“Do you believe in people?”
My friend has a fine watch dog.
At any suspicious noise he wakes the dog and the dog begins to bark.
They call our language the mother tongue because the father seldom gets to speak.
When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.
“Where did you get those big eyes?”
“They came with the face.”
I went alone on our honeymoon.
My wife had already seen Niagara Falls.
But the psychiatrist really helped me a lot. I would never answer the phone, because I was afraid. Now I answer it whether it rings or not.
It was love at first sight.
Then I took a second look!!
“Look, guide, here are some lion tracks.”
“Good. You see where they go and I’ll find out where they came from.”
“Do you think I’ll lose my looks as I get older?”
“Yes if you’re lucky.”
A modern artist is one who throws paint on canvas, wipes it off with a cloth and sells the cloth.
“Has there been any insanity in your family?”
“Yes, doctor. My husband thinks he’s the boss.”
I was thinking of becoming a doctor.
I have the handwriting for it.
“My wife doesn’t know what she wants.”
“You’re lucky. My wife does.”
We have a quiet home life. I don’t speak to her and she doesn’t speak to me.
“What do you use for washing dishes?”
“Oh, I tried many things but found my husband best.”
“Why don’t you give your husband a divorce?”
“What, I have lived with him for ten years and now I should make him happy?”
“Young man, do you think you can handle a variety of work?”
“I ought to be able to. I’ve had 12 different jobs in four months.”
THOUGHTS ABOUT MEN
When we are born, our mothers get the compliments and the flowers.
When we are married, our brides get the presents and the publicity.
When we die, our widows get the life insurance.
What do women want to be liberated from?
The average man’s life consists of :
Twenty years of having his mother ask him where he is going,
Forty years of having his wife ask the same question;
And at the end, the mourners wondering too.
A Man was walking down a street when he heard a voice from behind, “If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.”
The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished.
He went on, and after a while he was going to cross the road. Once again the voice shouted, “Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you, and you will die.” The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him.
The man asked. “Who are you?”
“I am your guardian angel,” the voice answered.
“Oh, yeah?” the man asked “And where the hell were you when I got married?”
The other day my neighbor, who is blonde, came running up to me in the driveway just jumping for joy! I didn’t know why she was jumping for joy but I thought, what the heck, and I start jumping up and down along with her.
She said, “I have some really great news!”
I said, “Great. Tell me why you’re so happy.”
She stopped jumping and, breathing heavily from all the jumping up and
down, told me that she was pregnant! I knew that she had been trying for a
while so I told her, “That’s great! I couldn’t be happier for you!”
Then she said, “There’s more.”
I asked, “What do you mean ‘more’?”
She said, “Well, we are not having just one baby. We are going to have
TWINS!” Amazed at how she could know so soon after getting pregnant, I
asked her how she knew.
She said, “Well, that was the easy part. I went to Wal-Mart and they actually had a home pregnancy kit in a twin-pack. Both tests came out positive!”
A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her “Hello – How are you! We’ve been waiting for you! Good to see you.”
When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, “This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?” “You have to spell a word,” Saint Peter told her.
“Which word?” the woman asked.
The woman correctly spelled “Love” and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.
About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. “I’m surprised to see you,” the woman said. “How have you been?”
“Oh, I’ve been doing pretty well since you died,” her husband told her. “I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all around the world. We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?”
“You have to spell a word,” the woman told him.
“Which word?” her husband asked.
” Czechoslovakia .”
Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry… There will be Hell to pay later!
FUNNY MOVIE QUOTES
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
If I’m not back in five minutes… wait longer!
Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
Lois: How would you like me to make your life a living hell?
Ace Ventura: Well, I’m not really ready for a relationship, Lois, but thank you for asking. Hey, maybe I’ll give you a call sometime. Your number’s still 911? All righty then.
The Addams Family
Pugsley: We’re not shy!
Wednesday: We’re contagious.
Addams Family Values
(Gomez refers to the girl popping out of the cake at a bachelor party)
Was she in there before you baked it?
Addams Family Values
Gomez: Children, why do you hate the baby?
Pugsley: We don’t hate him. We just wanna play with him.
Wednesday: Especially his head.
Addams Family Values
Little Girl: …and then Mommy kissed Daddy, and the angel told the stork, and the stork flew down from heaven, and put the diamond in the cabbage patch, and the diamond turned into a baby!
Pugsley: Our parents are having a baby too.
Wednesday: They had sex.
There’s no reason to become alarmed, and we hope you’ll enjoy the rest of your flight. By the way, is there anyone on board who knows how to fly a plane?
Spaulding: (to two ladies) Let’s get married!
Mrs. Rittenhouse: The three of us? Why, that’s bigamy!
Spaulding: Yes! And it’s big of me, too!
I’m so rich, I wish I had a dime for every dime I have.
Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery
As long as people are still having premarital sex with many anonymous partners while at the same time experimenting with mind-expanding drugs in a consequence free environment, I’ll be sound as a pound!
The husband finally wised up to the fact that his wife was less than faithful. He hired a private investigator to follow her and, in less than a week, had all the information that he needed on the ‘other man.’
The husband convinced himself that his would still be a loving and trustworthy marriage had not this S.O.B. come onto the scene. Being a man of the 90s and all, he decided to handle the matter in what he judged to be a sophisticated and business-like manner. He sent the following e-mail to his wife’s lover:
It has been brought to my attention that for some time now you have been carrying on an affair with my wife. So that we may settle this matter in an intelligent fashion, please be at my office at 3 PM on Friday next.
The ‘other man’ was highly amused by the husband’s formal manner and sent the following reply:
I have received a copy of the your mass mailing this morning. You may be advised that I will attend the scheduled conference in your office’s auditorium.
A judge was instructing the jury that because a witness changed his statement after giving it to the police, he should not necessarily be regarded as untruthful.
“For example,” the Judge said, “when I entered my chambers today, I was certain that I had my gold watch in my pocket. Then I remembered that I had left it on my nightstand in my bedroom.”
When the Judge arrived home that evening, his wife asked, “Why so much urgency for your watch? Don’t you think sending three men to pick it up for you was a bit extreme?”
“What?” exclaimed the Judge. “I didn’t send anyone for my watch, let alone three people. What did you do?”
“I gave it to the first one,” replied his wife, “he knew exactly where it was.”
At the emergency meeting of the UN regarding another conflict in the Middle East, the floor has been given to the Israeli Consul.
The Israeli Consul began, “Ladies and gentlemen before I commence with my speech, I wanted to relay an old story to all of you…
When Moses was leading the Jews out of Egypt he had to go through deserts, and prairies, and even more deserts… The people became thirsty and needed water.
So Moses struck the side of a mountain with his cane and at the sight of that mountain a pond appeared with crystal clean, cool water. And the people rejoiced and drank to their hearts’ content. Moses wished to cleanse his whole body, so he went over to the other side of the pond, took all of his clothes off and dove into the cool waters. Only when Moses came out of the water he discovered that all his clothes had been stolen… And I have reasons to believe that the Palestinians stole his clothes.”
The Palestinian Chairman, hearing this accusation, jumps out of his seat and screams, “This is a travesty…It’s a lie ! It is widely known that there were no Palestinians there at the time!!!”
“And in complete agreement with the Palestinian Chairman,” said the Israeli Consul, “let me begin my speech…”
CAPTURED BY TERRORISTS
An Englishman, a Canadian and an American were captured by terrorists.
The terrorist leader said, “Before we shoot you, you will be allowed last words. Please let me know what you wish to talk about.”
The Englishman replied, “I wish to speak of loyalty and service to the crown.”
The Canadian replied, “Since you are involved in a question of national purpose, national identity, and secession, I wish to talk about the history of constitutional process in Canada, special status, distinct society and uniqueness within diversity.”
The American replied, “Just shoot me before the Canadian starts talking.”
YOU HAVE MAIL
One sunny afternoon, a guy is busy mowing his lawn. As he is finishing up, he sees his hot blonde neighbour walking down to her mail box.
She opens it, looks inside, then shows a puzzled look on her face and closes the mailbox and goes back in her house.
The guy is confused as to why she just did that, but ignores it and goes back to what he was doing.
A few minutes later, the blonde neighbour goes to her mailbox again and does the exact same thing again, then goes back in her house.
Another few minutes later, she does it again, this time banging the mailbox shut with anger.
Another few minutes later, she does it again, this time hitting her mailbox and screaming at it.
At this point, the guy can’t take it anymore and goes over to her and says, ‘Why are going back and forth checking the mailbox for?
The blonde then goes ‘ It’s because of my computer. It keeps telling me I have mail.’
BOSS AND THE TRAINEE
A Man joined a big Multi National Company as a trainee.
On his first day he dialed the pantry and shouted into the phone, “Get me a coffee quickly!”
The voice from the other side responded, “You fool you’ve dialed the wrong extension! Do you know who you’re talking to?”
“No”, replied the trainee.
“It’s the Managing Director of the company, you fool!”
The man shouted back, “And do you know who YOU are talking to, you fool?”
“No”, replied the Managing Director.
“That’s good!” replied the trainee and put down the phone!
The Super Computer stood at the end of the Computer Company’s production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo.
“This”, he said, “is the Super Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it”.
At which a Clever Guest stepped forward – there is always one – and spoke into the Computer’s microphone.
“Where is my father?” he asked.
There was a whirring of wheels and flashing of lights that the manufacturers always use to impress lay people, and then a little card popped out.
On it were printed the words: Fishing off the coast.
Clever Guest laughed.
“Actually”, he said, “My father is dead”!
It had been a tricky question! The salesman, carefully chosen for his ability to think fast on his feet, immediately replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as computers were precise, perhaps he might care to rephrase his question and try again?
Clever Guest thought, went to the Computer and this time said, “Where is my mother’s husband?”
Again there was a whirring of wheels and a flashing of lights. And again a little card popped out. Printed on it were the words, “Dead. But your father is still fishing off the coast.”
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, ‘Jesus knows you’re here.’
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard ‘Jesus is watching you.’
Startled, he shined his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot.
‘Did you say that?’ he hissed at the parrot.
‘Yes’, the parrot confessed, then squawked, ‘I’m just trying to warn you that he’s watching you.’
The burglar relaxed. ‘Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?’
‘Moses,’ replied the bird.
‘Moses?’ the burglar laughed. ‘What kind of people would name a bird Moses?’
‘The kind of people who would name a Rottweiler Jesus.’
WEALTH, WISDOM OR BEAUTY?
An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for his unselfish and exemplary behavior the Lord will reward him with his choice of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of light.
One of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”
The dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”
SOME FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT AGING
I’m so old they’ve cancelled my blood type.
– Bob Hope
As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can’t remember the other two…
– Sir Norman Wisdom
Yes, time flies. And where did it leave you? Old too soon…smart too late.
– Mike Tyson
You know you’re getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
As we grow older, our bodies get shorter and our anecdotes longer.
People say that age is just a state of mind. I say it’s more about the state of your body.
For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.
1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans…
5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
CANADIAN APOLOGY TO THE USA FROM RICK MERCER
On behalf of Canadians everywhere I’d like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven’t been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I’m sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn’t nice of us to point it out. If it’s any consolation, the fact that he’s a moron shouldn’t reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it’s not like you actually elected him.
I’m sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defense I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.
I’m sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you’re going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.
I’m sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you’ve rebuilt it! It’s very nice.
And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I’m sorry that we’re constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you’re not upset over this. Because we’ve seen what you do to countries you get upset with.
A helicopter was flying above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft’s electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter’s position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it up in the helicopter window.
The pilot’s sign said, “Where am I?” in large letters.
The people in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it to the window of their building.
Their sign read, “You are in a helicopter.”
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at the map, determined the course to steer to the airport and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the “You are in a helicopter” sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded, “I knew that had to be the Microsoft building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer!”
A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.
They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, an anthropologist, and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
“Sure,” said the druggist. “Every morning the six o’clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it’s too late to go back to sleep, and it’s too early to get up.”
A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things – chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. “Why don’t you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?”
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail. After a few hours, the nephew returned.
“How did you enjoy that?” asked the uncle.
“It was great!” exclaimed the nephew. “Got any more dogs?”
An elderly couple were driving across the country. The woman was driving when she got pulled over by the highway patrol.
The officer said, “Ma’am did you know you were speeding?”
The woman turns to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled, “He says you were speeding!”
The patrolman said, “May I see your license?”
The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?” The old man yelled, “He wants to see your license!” The woman gave him her license.
The patrolman said, “I see you are from Texas. I spent some time there once and went on a blind date with the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”
The woman turned to her husband and asked, “What did he say?”
The old man yelled, “He thinks he knows you!”
I’M BETTER THAN YOU
Three Texas plastic surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.One of them said, “I’m the best plastic surgeon in Texas. A concert pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England.”
One of the others said. “That’s nothing. A young man lost both arms and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold medal in 5 field events in the Olympics.”
The third surgeon said, “You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the horse’s ass and a cowboy hat. Now he’s President of the United States!”
The colonel had three Second Lieutenants eligible for promotion. The problem was, he only had one First Lieutenant Slot available.
The colonel called the first candidate his office and said, “This is a promotion test. If I was to tell you that I wanted a flag pole erected in front of Post HQ by 1500, what would you do?”
The Lt. thought about it for a second, and said, “Sir. I would get a shovel, head for HQ and start digging. ”
“You’re not ready to be promoted,” the Colonel interrupted.
The colonel asked the same question of the next candidate.
“Sir,” said the next Lt., “I would fill out a CE work order, making sure I made provisions for the appropriate environmental study and . . . ”
“You are definitely not ready to be promoted,” the Colonel said.
The Colonel asked the question of the final candidate.
Without hesitation, the Lieutenant said, “Sir. I would call the First Sergeant, and say, “Top, I want a @#$#@ flag pole in front of HQ by 1500!”
“You’re ready to be promoted,” the Colonel said.
YOU KNOW YOU’RE FROM CANADA WHEN …
1. You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
2. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
3. Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
4. You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
5. Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
6. You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
7. The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
8. You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
9. You find -40C a little chilly.
10. The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
11. You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelery and your Sorels.
12. You understand the Labatts Blue commercials.
13. You perk up when you hear the theme from “Hockey Night in Canada”.
14. The mosquitoes have landing lights.
15. You have more kilometres on your snow blower than your car.
16. You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
17. You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one metre above ground.
18. You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
19. At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
20. The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
21. Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
22. You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
23. You head south to go to your cottage.
24. You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.
25. The major parish fund-raiser isn’t bingo it’s sausage making.
26. You can play road hockey on skates.
27. You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
29. The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
30. You actually get these jokes and tell all your Canadian friends
Budget cuts to the Armed Forces forced the training team to start doing mock combat using no explosives, guns, or basically any equipment what-so-ever. When it came to a training scenario, the Sergeant in charge tells his recruits that they are under imaginary fire, and what do they do?
So all of the recruits except one scatter and get down behind “stuff”, and get into returning fire positions.
The Sergeant notices this one recruit standing out in the open, quite relaxed and unfazed.
Yelling, the Sergeant asks, “What the devil do you think you’re doing? You’re under fire!”
So the recruit takes one step to the left and remains still.
Now the Sergeant’s really annoyed. He yells again, “What the Hell are you doing? You’re under imaginary fire, take cover!”
The recruit turns to him and replies, “I’m taking cover behind this imaginary tree Sergeant!”
GEORGE & the DRAGON
A homeless guy is travelling down a country lane, tired and hungry he comes across a Pub called the “George and the Dragon.” Although it’s late and the Pub is closed he knocks on the door.
The innkeeper’s wife sticks her head out a window.
“Could I have some food?” he asks.
The woman glances at his shabby clothes and obviously poor condition and sternly says, “No!”
“Any chance of a pint of ale then?”
“No!” she says again.
“Could I at least sleep in your barn?”
“No!” By this time, she was fairly shouting.
The down and out says, “OK then, might I please…?”
“What now?” the woman interrupts impatiently.
“Might I please have a word with George?”
Little Georgie watched his daddy’s car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.
Little Georgie found this so exciting that he could not contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother, “Mommy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane ….
At this point Mommy cut him off and said, “Georgie, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”
At the dinner table, Mommy asked little Georgie to tell his story.
Georgie started his story, “I was at the playground and I saw Daddy’s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army.”
MORAL: Sometimes you need to listen to the whole story before you interrupt.
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over.
“So,” says the cop to the driver, “where have ya been?”
“Why, I’ve been to the pub of course,” slurs the drunk.
“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you’ve had quite a few to drink this evening.”
“I did all right,” the drunk says with a smile.
“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”
“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
TRUE AUSSIE MATES
Sheila didn’t come home one night. When Bruce asked her where she’d been she said she spent the night at a girl friend’s house.
Bruce was a bit suspicious she’d been “rooting around” so rang her ten closest friends, but none of them had seen her.
The following week Bruce didn’t come home one night. Sheila asks him where he’d been. So Bruce says he got a bit drunk at a mate’s place and thought it was safer not to drive but crash out there.
Sheila thinks he’s been “rooting around” so rings his ten best mates.
In true Aussie style – eight of them say he spent the night there and two claim he’s still there.
IN A MAN’S WORLD
A husband went to the police station to file a “missing person” report for his missing wife:
Husband :- I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn’t come back yet.
Inspector :- What is her height ?
Husband:- I never checked.
Inspector :- Slim or healthy ?.
Husband:- Not slim can be healthy.
Inspector :-Colour of eyes ?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Colour of hair ?
Husband :- Changes according to season.
Inspector :- What was she wearing?
Husband : Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :- Was she driving?
Husband :- yes.
Inspector :- tell me the number, name & colour of the car ? . .
Husband :- black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door.….and then the husband started crying…
Inspector:…….Don’t worry sir,…..We’ll find your car.
MY NEW PRIMARY CARE PHYSICIAN
Q: Doctor, I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it… Don’t waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.
Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!
Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one.. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.
Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can’t think of single one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain…good!
Q: Aren’t fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?
Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.
Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!
Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.
Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ‘Round’ is shape!
Well… I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways – Chardonnay in one hand – chocolate in the other – body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO-HOO, what a ride!!”
Teacher: Where does God live?
Little boy: I think he lives in our bathroom.
Teacher: Why do you say that?
Little boy: Well, every morning my daddy bangs on the door and says, ‘God, are you still in there?’
GEORGE BUSH AT A SCHOOL
George Bush goes to a primary school to give a speech. After his talk he offers to take questions.
One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is. “Bob”.
“And what is your question, Bob?”
“I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Kerry got more votes? And Third, what happened to Osama Bin Laden?”
Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.
When they resume George says, “OK, where were we? Oh that’s right — question time. Who has a question?”
A different little boy puts up his hand . George points him out and asks him what his name is. “Steve”
“And what is your question, Steve?”
“I have 5 questions. First, Why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, Why are you President when Kerry got more votes? Third, What happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, Why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early?! And Fifth, Where is “Bob”? !!
Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter. He told them before they could enter Heaven, they had to tell him what Easter was.
The first blonde said, “Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey.”
St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her to hell.
The second blonde said, “Easter is when we celebrate Jesus’ birth and exchange gifts.”
St. Peter said, “Noooooo,” and he banished her to hell.
The third blonde said, she knew what Easter is, and St. Peter said,”So, tell me.”
She said, “Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover. Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried Him in a tomb behind a very large boulder….
St. Peter said, “Verrrrrry good.”
“Then,” the blonde continued, “now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If he sees his shadow, we have six more weeks of basketball.”
“Any man who thinks he can be happy and prosperous by letting the Government take care of him; better take a closer look at the American Indian.” ~Henry Ford
BREAST FEEDING INCIDENT
A man was riding a bus, minding his own business, when the gorgeous woman next to him started to breastfeed her baby.
The baby wouldn’t take it, so she said, “Come on sweetie, eat it all up or I’ll have to give it to this nice man next to us.”
Five minutes later, the baby was still not feeding, so she said, “Come on, honey. Take it or I’ll give it to this nice man here.”
A few minutes later, the anxious man blurted out, “Come on, kiddy. Make up your mind! I was supposed to get off four stops ago!
GEORGE CARLIN QUOTE
“Now, there’s one thing you might have noticed I don’t complain about: politicians. Everybody complains about politicians. Everybody says they suck. Well, where do people think these politicians come from? They don’t fall out of the sky. They don’t pass through a membrane from another reality. They come from American parents and American families, American homes, American schools, American churches, American businesses and American universities, and they are elected by American citizens. This is the best we can do folks. This is what we have to offer. It’s what our system produces: Garbage in, garbage out. If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to get selfish, ignorant leaders. Term limits ain’t going to do any good; you’re just going to end up with a brand new bunch of selfish, ignorant Americans. So, maybe, maybe, maybe, it’s not the politicians who suck. Maybe something else sucks around here… like, the public. Yeah, the public sucks. There’s a nice campaign slogan for somebody: ‘The Public Sucks. F*ck Hope.'”
PRESIDENTS OF AUSTRALIA, RUSSIA AND USA GO TO HELL
John Howard, Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell. While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The Devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth.
Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 15 minutes. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes a cheque.
Obama calls the US and talks for an hour. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 4 million dollars, so he writes a cheque.
Finally John Howard gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he is finished the Devil informs him that the cost is 25 cents. Howard just smiles.
Obama and Putin go ballistic, and ask the Devil why Howard got to call Australia for only 25 cents?
The devil smiles and replies: “Since Julia Gillard became Prime Minister, the whole country has gone to hell. It’s a local call.”
WHAT MEN REALLY MEAN
Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question…
It’s a guy thing”
Translated: “There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical”.
“Can I help with dinner?”
Translated:: “Why isn’t it already on the table?”
“I’m going fishing”
Translated: I’m going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and sit in a boat with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety.”
“Uh huh, sure honey,” or, “Yes, dear.”
Translated: Absolutely nothing. It’s a conditioned response.
“I was listening to you. It’s just . . . I have lots of things on my mind.”
Translated: “Is that woman over there wearing a bra?”
“Take a break honey, you’re working too hard”.
Translated: “I can’t hear the game over the vacuum cleaner.”
“That’s interesting, dear.”
Translated: “Are you still talking?”
“You know how bad my memory is.”
Translated: “I remember the theme song to “F-Troop,” the address of the first girl I ever kissed, the license plate numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, I just forgot your birthday.”
“I dunno . . . i was just thinking about you, and I got you these roses. . .”
Translated: “The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
Translated: “I have actually severed a limb, but I will bleed to death before I admit that I am hurt.”
“I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing”.
Translated: “. . . and I sure hope I think of some soon.”
“I heard you.”
Translated: “I have no idea what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t find out.”
“You know I could never love anyone else.”
Translated: “I am used to the way you yell at me and I realize it could be worse.”
“You look terrific.”
Translated: “Oh God, please don’t try on MORE clothes.”
THREE STUPID CANADIANS
Paul Martin, Jack Layton, and Stephen Harper were all on a private jet together. Stephen Harper gets an idea. He says: “I’m gonna throw this $100 bill out the window, and make one Canadian really, really happy.”
Paul Martin doesn’t want to be outdone, so he says: “I’ll throw these two $50 bills out the window, and make two Canadians really really happy.”
Jack Layton decides to go with the flow and says: “I’ll throw these 100 loonies out the window, and make 100 Canadians really really happy.”
At this point, the pilot comes through the door and says: “If you three don’t simmer down right now, I’ll throw all three of you out the window, and make 33 million Canadians really, really happy.”
A first-grade teacher was having trouble with one of her students
The teacher asked, “Boy, what is your problem?”
Boy answered, “I’m too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third-grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!”
Ms. Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal’s office.
While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Neelam he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy. was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, “I think Boy can go to the third-grade.”
The teacher says to the principal, “I have some of my own questions. Can I ask him ?”
The principal and Boy. both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Boy., after a moment “Legs.”
Ms Nee lam: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy was taking charge:
Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?
The principal’s eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer…
Boy.: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some “Who am I” sort of questions, okay?
Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do.
Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you’re bored. The best man always has me first.
The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I’m not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.
Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means lot of heat and excitement?
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ & if you don’t get it you have to use your hand.
Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it’s longer on some men than on others, the pope doesn’t use his and a man gives it to his wife after they’re married?
Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, likes pumping and is responsible for making love ?
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
“Send this Boy to University. I got the last ten questions wrong myself!
“It was just a simple misunderstanding, your Honor,” testified the man charged with indecent exposure.
“Explain that statement!” demanded the Judge.
“Well, you see, this girl and I were drinking in a bar and she asked me what I wanted most in a woman, so I showed her.”
The pastor was talking to a group of young children about being good and going to heaven. At the end of his talk, he asked,
“Where do you want to go?”
“Heaven!” Suzy cried out.
“And what do you have to be to get there?” asked the preacher.
“Dead!” yelled Little Johnny.
Girl #1: “My boyfriend just cheated on me.”
Girl #2: “Holy sh*t! Which one?”
ALCOHOL JOKES – 3
Q: Why are Men like coolers?
A: Load them with Bud Light, and you can take them anywhere!
Q: What does a shot of Everclear and a Woman have in common?
A: Both of them make men start talking nonsense!
Q: Why don’t Democrats drink?
A: It interferes with their suffering!
Q: What happens when you cross a gynecologist drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and sexy blonde drinking Smirnoff Vodka?
A: a “Pabst Smir!”
Q: How do you start a parade in the ghetto?
A: Roll a 40 ouncer down the street.
Q: What does an alcoholic ghost drink?
HOW I LOST MY TEETH
I was in the ‘Texas Rose Saloon’ last night, at the bar waiting for a beer, when a butt-ugly gal came up from behind me, and slapped me on the ass.
She said, “Hey sexy, how about giving me your number?”
I looked at her and said, ”Have you got a pen?”
She said, “I sure do.”
I said, “Well, you better get back into it before the farmer notices you’re missing.”
My dental surgery is on Monday.
LAUGHTER IS GOOD FOR THE SOUL
Why pay money to have your family tree traced? Go into politics and your opponents will do it for you.
If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates. ~Jay Leno~
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. ~Henry Cate, VII~
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. ~Aesop~
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it. ~Clarence Darrow~
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other. ~Oscar Ameringer~
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country. ~Tex Guinan~
There ought to be one day ˗ just one ˗ when there is open season on Congressmen. ~Will Rogers~
Father : I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : “I will choose my own bride!”
Father: “But the girl is Bill Gates’s daughter.”
Son : “Well, in that case…ok”
Next Father approaches Bill Gates.
Father: “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates: “But my daughter is too young to marry!”
Father: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case…ok”
Finally Father goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Father: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.”
President: “But I already have more vice- presidents than I need!”
Father: “But this young man is Bill Gates’s son-in-law.”
President: “Ah, in that case…ok”
This is how business is done!
ALWAYS ALLOW THE BOSS TO SPEAK FIRST
A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a
meeting. On their way through a park, they come across a wonder
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says, Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three,
I will allow one wish each”
So the eager senior manager shouted, “I want the first wish. I
want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries”.
“Pfufffff and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted “I want to be in
Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails”.
Pfufffff, and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said,” I want these two idiots back in the office after
lunch at 12.35pm”
Moral: “Always allow the boss to speak first”
FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT MARRIAGE
“In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.”
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
“Ah, yes, divorce: from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet.”
“A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing.”
“When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that’s a few steps ahead is the one that’s mad.”
“Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.”
“Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel.”
–Leonardo Di Vinci.
“I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.”
“I’m the only man in the world with a marriage license made out to whom it may concern.”
“I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.”
“The difference between divorce and legal separation is that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.”
A FEW CHUCKLES
I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox, informing me that I can have sex at 79.
I’m so happy, because I live at number 81.
So it’s not too far to walk home afterwards.
And it’s the same side of the street so I don’t even have to cross the road!
Answering machine message, “I am not available right now, but thank you for caring enough to call.
I am making some changes in my life.
Please leave a message after the beep.
If I do not return your call, you are one of the changes.”
My wife and I had words, but I didn’t get to use mine.
Frustration is trying to find your glasses without your glasses.
Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.
The irony of life is that, by the time you’re old enough to know your way around, you’re not going anywhere.
God made man before woman so as to give him time to think of an answer for her first question.
I was always taught to respect my elders, but it keeps getting harder to find one.
Every morning is the dawn of a new error.
IQ & OBAMA
So….a guy goes into the clubhouse and there is a robot bartender. The robot asks, “What will you have?” The guy says “Martini.” The robot brings back the best martini ever and asks to the man, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “168.” The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, space exploration and medical technology.
The guy leaves, but he is curious, so he goes back into the bar. The robot bartender asks, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini”. Again, the robot makes a great martini, gives it to the man and asks, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “100.” The robot then starts to talk about Nascar, Budweiser and John Deere tractors.
The guy leaves, but finds it very interesting, so he thinks he will try it one more time. He goes back into the bar. The robot asks, “What will you have?” The guy says, “Martini”, and the robot brings him another great martini. The robot then asks, “What’s your IQ?” The guy says, “Uh, about 50.” The robot leans in real close and says, “So… you people still happy you voted for Obama?”
SMART STUDENTS & SMARTER DEAN
4 MBA students went out on a night before their exam and were boozing hard. They did not study for the test and thought of a plan to escape. So they went to their dean looking weary and worn out, their dresses covered in grease and dirt.
They told their dean that they had all gone to a wedding the previous day and while coming back their car tire had blown up. So they had to push the car all way back to the hostel as there was no help available on the way. So they said that they were not in a position to write the test that day and asked him to conduct a retest later.
The dean being a kind man he was asked them to come to a retest 3 days later.
The boys were very happy and went to prepare in full swing.
After 3 days the dean asked them to come for the test.
The dean said that the test had 2 questions for 100 marks.
He said that they had to write the test in separate rooms.
As the boys had prepared well they agreed. The test went as follows.
Q.1 Write your name
Q.2 Which tire burst?
A guy in a bar notices a woman, always alone, who comes in on a fairly regular basis, after the second week, he made his move.
“No thank you,” she said politely.” “This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I’m keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love.”
“That must be rather difficult,” the man replied.
“Oh, I don’t mind too much,” she said. “But, it has my husband pretty upset.”
AN AMERICAN GOES TO AUSTRALIA
Randy, a Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Glen, an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, ‘Oh yeah. We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large.
Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Glen shows off his herd of cattle. Then Randy immediately says, ‘We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows.’
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field and so he asks, ‘And what are those?’
‘Glen’, the Aussie replies with an incredulous look, ‘Don’t you have any grasshoppers in Texas.’
ONE FOR THE BLONDES!
A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him. She took the box and promised to put it in the crew’s refrigerator.
He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in an arrogant manner that he was a lawyer and threatened what would happen to her if she let them thaw out.
Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, “Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?”
Not one hand went up… So she took them home and ate them.
There are two lessons here:
1. Lawyers aren’t always as smart as they think they are;
2. Blondes aren’t always as dumb as some folks think.
Sometime this year, we tax- payers will again receive another ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I’ll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an ‘Economic Stimulus’ payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn’t that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Walmart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala ..
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea .
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan .
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer!
No need to thank me, I’m just glad I could be of help.
THE STOLEN GOAT
Farmer Azmat slaughtered a goat and hung it up for the night, intending to butcher it in the morning, but the next day it was gone.
He didn’t tell a soul about it, and nothing happened for more than two months.
Then another farmer, who lived down the road, came by and said, “By the way Azmat, did you ever find out who stole your goat?”
“Nope,” said Azmat. “Not until just now.”
ASK BUT DON’T TELL
Today from the P.M.O. – the Canadian Prime Ministers Officer:
Harper’s Conservatives announced the long-waited strategy for Afghanistan.
It is called the “Ask but, Don’t Tell” strategy.
You can ask about the strategy and the Federal Conservatives won’t tell you what it is.
BRUCE’S FUNNY STORY
Bruce went to the police station and asked to speak to the burglar who had broken into his house the previous night.
‘You’ll get your chance in court,’ the desk Sergeant Kelly told him.
‘I have to know how he got into the house without waking my wife,’ pleaded Bruce. ‘I’ve been trying to do that for years.’
LIQUOR STORE EMPLOYEE FIRED
A new employee of the Grant Park liquor store in Winnipeg , Manitoba , was fired immediately after serving his first customer.
Mr. Germander Mohammad Singh came in and asked the clerk if he could recommend a good port.
The employee replied, “Try Halifax …
A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.
Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different again.
Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not an Obama fan.”
The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Obama?”
Johnny said, “Because I’m a Republican.”
The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican.
Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?”
With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “that would make me an Obama fan.”
WHAT MEN MEAN – 1
“I’m not lost. I know exactly where we are.”
“No one will ever see us alive again.”
“We share the housework.”
“I make the messes, she cleans them up.”
“This relationship is getting too serious.”
“I like you more than my truck.”
“We could pay the rent with the money from my empties.”
“Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful.”
“Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?”
“It sure snowed last night.”
“I suppose you’re going to nag me about shovelling the walk now.”
“It’s good beer.”
“It was on sale.”
“I don’t need to read the instructions.”
“I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help.”
“I’ll fix the garbage disposal later.”
“If I wait long enough you’ll get frustrated and buy a new one.”
“I broke up with her.”
“She dumped me.”
“I’ll take you to a fancy restaurant.”
“Someplace that doesn’t have a drive-thru window.”
MEANWHILE RICKY …
Ricky decides to go back home to Melbourne so he calls Qantas Airlines to book his flight.
The operator asks him, ‘How many people are flying with you?’
Ricky replies, ‘Strewth mate, how would I know. It’s your plane.’
Ricky is now getting drunk in the pub and runs out of money. Ricky does not feel like going home and he hassles the publican for another drink.
‘Com’on Robbo, givuzzanaddabeerwillya? I’ll pay you next week…..’
Robbie, the publican points out the window and says to Ricky, ‘See that building across the road?’
‘Yeah…’ says Ricky, squinting
‘Well, that is the Bank of Victoria, and I got a deal with them.’
‘Deal? Wot deal?’ mutters Ricky.
Robbie, Well, Ricky, they don’t sell beer, and I don’t lend money.’
GEORGE CARLIN QUOTES
A lady came up to me on the street, pointed at my suede jacket and said, “Don’t you know a cow was murdered for that jacket?” I said, “I didn’t know there were any witnesses. Now I’ll have to kill you too”.
I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.
What’s all this stuff about motivation? I say, if you need motivation, you probably need more than motivation. You probably need chemical intervention or brain surgery.
Actually, if you ask me, this country could do with a little less motivation. The people who are causing all the trouble seem highly motivated to me.
Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it’s a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, “Well, okay, that’s enough of that.”
You have to be realistic about terrorism. Certain groups of people, certain groups, Muslim fundamentalists, Christian fundamentalists, Jewish fundamentalists, and just plain guys from Montana, are going to continue to make life in this country very interesting for a long, long time.
FUNNY POLITICAL QUOTES
Senator John McCain
I spent several years in a North Vietnamese prison camp, in the dark… fed with scraps. Do you think I want to do that all over again as vice president of the United States?
We’re going to have the best-educated American people in the world.
French President Charles de Gaulle
China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
George Bernard Shaw
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people.
We have a firm commitment to NATO; we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe.
George W Bush
The reason we start a war is to fight a war, win a war, thereby causing no more war.
I was recently on a tour of Latin America, and the only regret I have was that I didn’t study Latin harder in school so I could converse with those people.
Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence… and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser.
Being president is like running a cemetery: you’ve got a lot of people under you and nobody’s listening.
I am not worried about the deficit. It is big enough to take care of itself.
Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that.
It did take a Clinton to clean up after the first Bush, and I think it might take another one to clean up after the second Bush.
If I want to knock a story off the front page, I just change my hairstyle.
This campaign is kind of fascinating, because the three major candidates have to be very careful when they criticize each other. Like, you can’t criticize Hillary. Ooh, that’s sexism. You can’t criticize Barack. Ooh, that’s racism. And you can’t go after McCain, because that’s elder abuse.
It’s like I was shot out of a cannon. I’m so overexposed that I make Paris Hilton look like a recluse.
George Bush, Sr.
For seven and a half years I’ve worked alongside President Reagan. We’ve had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We’ve had some sex… uh… setbacks.
I LOVE LEATHER DRESSES
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, an old geezer’s heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
Ever wonder why?
It’s because she smells like a new golf bag ….
THE RELUCTANT SPENDER
After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.
“How about some perfume?” he asked the cosmetics clerk. She showed him a $50.00 bottle.
“That’s a bit much,” said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.
“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complained.
Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.
“What I mean,” said Tim, “is I’d like to see something really cheap.”
So the clerk handed him a mirror.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD ONE-LINERS – 3
A girl phoned me the other day and said, “Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
General Humor Quotes
I bought a perfect second car… a tow truck.
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the West.
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
…went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted. “Surprise me”, I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don’t believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
With girls, I don’t think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
I was such an ugly kid… when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.
An old man enters a confessional and proudly exclaims, “Father, I have to tell you what happened to me last night. I’m 90 years old, and I made love to two 18-year-old women for eight hours!”
The stern priest replies, “That is a sin. I will have to give you a penance.”
“Father, you can’t give me a penance.”
“Because I’m Jewish.”
The perplexed Father asks, “Then why are you telling me?”
“I’m telling everyone!”
Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.
Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
“Holy cow, Mister,” one of them said after catching his breath, “You scared us half to death — we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?”
“Those fools!” the old man grumbled. “They misspelled my name!
LEARN FROM THE STORY OF NOAH’S ARK
Funny things that can be learned from the bible and applied to life.
1) Don’t miss the boat.
2) Remember that we are all in the same boat.
3) Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
4) Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
5) Build your future on high ground.
6) For safety’s sake, always travel in pairs.
7) Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
8) When you’re stressed, float a while.
9) Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
MISSING HUSBAND REPORT
A lady went to the police station to file a report for her missing Husband:
Lady: I lost my Husband
Inspector: What is his height
Lady: I never noticed
Inspector: Slim or healthy
Lady: Not slim can be healthy
Inspector: Colour of eyes
Lady: Never noticed
Inspector: Colour of hair
Lady: Changes according to season
Inspector: What was he wearing
Lady: Suit/casuals I don’t remember exactly
Inspector: Was somebody with him………????
Lady: Yes my Labrador dog, Calvin, tied with a golden chain, height 30 inches, healthy, blue eyes, blackish brown hair, his left foot thumb nail is slightly broken, he never barks, wearing a golden belt studded with blue balls, he likes non veg food, we eat together,
we jog together….
And the lady started crying…..
Inspector: Let’s search for the dog first……..!!!!
ALCOHOL JOKES – 4
Q: How does a man show he’s planning for the future?
A: He buys two cases of Miller Lite instead of one.
Q: Why does Corona go through your system so fast?
A: Because it does not have to stop to change color
Q: How do you find a man in a bar who is sensitive, caring and good looking?
A: He’s nursing a Mike’s Hard Lemonade and is acting super super gay!
Q: What is the difference between a sofa and a man watching Monday Night Football?
A: The sofa doesn’t keep asking for Bud Light!
Q: What is the similarity between Michelob Ultra and having sex in a rowboat?
A: They are both f**king near water!
Q: What do blondes and bottle of Corona have in common?
A: Their both empty from the neck up!
THE AUSTRALIAN WAY
A woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, without clothes and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
“What happened?” she asks.
“I’ve never been with a woman,” he says, “but if it’s anything like a kangaroo, I’m gonna need all the room I can get.”
GEORGE CARLIN QUOTE
“This country was founded by a group of slave owners who wanted to be free! Am I right?
So they killed a lot of white English people in order to continue owning their black African people, so they could wipe out the rest of the red Indian people, in order to move west and steal the rest of the land from the brown Mexican people, giving them a place to take off and drop their nuclear weapons on the yellow Japanese people.
You know what the motto for this country ought to be? ‘You give us a color, we’ll wipe it out.'”
An airplane was in serious trouble and was about to crash; there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes.
The first passenger said: “I am Stephen Harper, the prime minister of Canada. The country needsme to continue the work I’ve been doing. I can’t afford to die.” So he took the first parachute and left the plane.
The second passenger said: “I am Justin Trudeau and I am the leader of the Liberal party, and the next prime minister of Canada. The country needs me to undo the damage that Harper has done to our Canadian values.” So he grabbed the parachute next to him and jumped.
The third passenger, a woman, said: “I am Pauline Marois, da premier hof Quebec. Da peoples of hour ‘Belle Province’ don’ts wants me to die beecause dey wants da French language to be law and have deir hown country.” So she took the third parachute and jumped out of the plane.
The last two remaining passengers were a 90 year old decorated World War II veteran and a 10-year-old schoolgirl. The vet said “I have lived a full life, and served my country the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”
To which the little girl replied: “That’s OK sir, there are still two parachutes left. Although it was clearly written in English, that lady from Quebec took my schoolbag.”
A MAN WITH NO ENEMIES
Meet Walter Barnes – All should live so long as to become this kind of old man!
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
“Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any,” he replied gruffly.
“Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight,” he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
“Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?”
The old man tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, “I outlived all them a**holes” – and he calmly returned to his seat.
CHINESE GUY DRINKING BEER
I was standing in a bar yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking beer.
I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
He says “No, why the you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinee?”
“No”, I say, “It’s because you’re drinking my friggin’ beer!”
WHAT MEN MEAN – 2
“What do you mean, you need new clothes?”
“You just bought new clothes 3 years ago.”
“She’s one of those rabid feminists.”
“She refused to make my coffee.”
“But I hate to go shopping.”
“Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse.”
“No, I left plenty of gas in the car.”
“You may actually get it to start.”
“I’m going to stop off for a quick one with the guys.”
“I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions.”
“I heard you.”
“I haven’t the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don’t spend the next 3 days yelling at me.”
“You know I could never love anyone else.”
“I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse.”
“You look terrific.”
“Oh, God, please don’t try on one more outfit. I’m starving.”
“I brought you a present.”
“It was free ice scraper night at the ball game.”
“I missed you.”
“I can’t find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet
Canada had four seasons
1) Almost winter
3) Still winter
4) Road construction
Due to cut-backs, there are now only two seasons:
1) This winter
2) Next winter
Last Tuesday President Obama got off the helicopter in front of The White House – carrying a baby piglet under each arm.
The squared-away Marine guard snapped to attention, saluted and said:
“Nice pigs, sir.”
The President replied: “These are not pigs.
These are authentic Arkansas Razorback Hogs.
I got one for Secretary of State Hillary Clinton, and I got one for Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi.”
The squared-away Marine again snapped to attention, salutes and said, “Excellent trade, sir.
ANOTHER DUMB BLOND
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he’s doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas.
With his dummy on his knee, he’s going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ”I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general…and all in the name of humor!”
The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ”You stay out of this, mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”
PERPLEXING TAX RETURN
I just received my tax return for 2012 back from the Revenue Canada. It puzzles me!!!
They are questioning how many dependents I claimed.
I guess it was because of my response to the line : “List all dependents”
I replied: 2 million Native Indians; 1 million crack heads;
7.3 million unemployed people , 100,000 people in prisons;
Half of Haiti; and 105 persons in the Senate and 308 Members of Parliament.
Evidently, this was NOT an acceptable answer.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF,
WHO DID I MISS?
Suddenly, the temperature dropped and a furious snowstorm was upon them. They came across an isolated cabin, far removed from any town. The hunters had heard that the locals in the area were quite hospitable, so they knocked on the door to ask permission to rest.
No one answered their knocks, but they discovered the cabin was unlocked and they entered. It was a simple place … 2 rooms with a minimum of furniture and household equipment. Nothing was unusual about the cabin except the stove. It was large, pot-bellied, and made of cast-iron. What was strange about it was its location … it was suspended in midair by wires attached to the ceiling beams.
“Fascinating,” said the psychologist. “It is obvious that this lonely trapper, isolated from humanity, has elevated this stove so that he can curl up under it and vicariously experience a return to the womb.”
“Nonsense!” replied the engineer. “The man is practicing the laws of thermodynamics. By elevating his stove, he has discovered a way to distribute heat more evenly throughout the cabin.”
“With all due respect,” interrupted the theologian, “I’m sure that hanging his stove from the ceiling has religious meaning. Fire LIFTED UP has been a religious symbol for centuries.”
The three debated the point for several hours without resolving the issue. When the trapper finally returned, they introduced themselves and then asked him why he had hung his heavy pot-bellied stove from the ceiling.
His answer was succinct. “Had plenty of wire, not much stove pipe.”
A MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
FIVE RULES TO REMEMBER IN LIFE
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it’s more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle.
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember his name.
3. Help someone when they are in trouble and they will remember you when they’re in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.
5. Trying to debate with Obama voters is like trying to pick up a turd by its clean end.
SPARE A THOUGHT
Please spare a thought for the poor chap who told his wife he was going to China on Malaysian flight MH 370 and now cannot come out of his girlfriend’s apartment.
NOTABLE SPORTS QUOTES
Last year we couldn’t win at home and we were losing on the road. My failure as a coach was that I couldn’t think of anyplace else to play.
– Harry Neale, professional hockey coach
“Blind people come to the ballpark just to listen to him pitch.”
– Reggie Jackson commenting on Tom Seaver
“I’m working as hard as I can to get my life and my cash to run out at the same time. If I can just die after lunch Tuesday, everything will be perfect.”
– Doug Sanders, professional golfer
“All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.'”
– Mickey Lolich, Detroit Tigers Pitcher
“When it’s third and ten, you can have the milk drinkers; I’ll take the whiskey drinkers every time.”
– Max McGee, Green Bay Packers receiver
“I found out that it’s not good to talk about my troubles. Eighty percent of the people who hear them don’t care and the other twenty percent are glad you’re having them.”
– Tommy LaSorda , LA Dodgers manager
“My knees look like they lost a knife fight with a midget.”
– E.J. Holub, Kansas City Chiefs linebacker regarding his 12 knee surgeries
“My theory is that if you buy an ice-cream cone and make it hit your mouth, you can learn to play tennis. If you stick it on your forehead, your chances aren’t as good.”
– Vic Braden, tennis instructor
“When they operated, I told them to add in a Koufax fastball. They did – but unfortunately it was Mrs. Koufax’s.”
– Tommy John N.Y. Yankees, recalling his 1974 arm surgery
When asked if Tom Landry ever smiled, Walt Garrison, Dallas Cowboys fullback replied, “I don’t know; I only played there for nine years.”
“We were tipping off our plays. Whenever we broke from the huddle, three backs were laughing and one was pale as a ghost.”
– John Breen, Houston Oilers
“The film looked suspiciously like the game itself.”
– Bum Phillips, New Orleans Saints, after viewing a lopsided loss to the Atlanta Falcons
“When I’m on the road, my greatest ambition is to get a standing boo.”
– Al Hrabosky, major league relief pitcher
“I have discovered in 20 years of moving around the ball park, that the knowledge of the game is usually in inverse proportion to the price of the seats.”
– Bill Veeck, Chicago White Sox owner
Paul Horning, Green Bay Packers running back, when asked why his marriage ceremony took place before noon replied, “Because if it didn’t work out, I didn’t want to blow the whole day.”
“I have a lifetime contract. That means I can’t be fired during the third quarter if we’re ahead and moving the ball.”
– Lou Holtz , Arkansas football coach
“I won’t know until my barber tells me on Monday.”
– Knute Rockne, when asked why Notre Dame had lost a game
“I tell him ‘Attaway to hit, George.'”
– Jim Frey, K.C. Royals manager when asked what advice he gives George Brett on hitting
“I learned a long time ago that ‘minor surgery’ is when they do the operation on someone else, not you.”
– Bill Walton, Portland Trial Blazers
“Our biggest concern this season will be diaper rash.”
– George MacIntyre, Vanderbilt football coach surveying the team roster that included 26 freshmen and 25 sophomores.
“The only difference between me and General Custer is that Custer didn’t have to watch the game films the day after.”
– Rick Venturi, Northwestern football coach
Wife texts husband on a cold winter’s morning: “Windows frozen, won’t open.
“Husband texts back: “Gently pour some lukewarm water over it.
“Wife texts back five minutes later: “Computer really screwed up now.”
It is listed in the dictionary as an [adv], [prep], [adj], [n], or [v].
It’s easy to understand UP, meaning toward the sky or at the top of the list, but in the morning we wake UP?
We call UP our friends, brighten UP a room, polish UP the silver, warm UP the leftovers, and clean UP the kitchen. We lock UP the house and fix UP the old car.
At other times, this little word has real special meaning. People stir UP trouble, line UP for tickets, work UP an appetite, and think UP excuses —because we never want to screw UP.
To be dressed is one thing, but to be dressed UP is special. A drain must be opened UP because it is stopped UP. We open UP a store in the morning, but we close it UP at night.
We seem to be pretty mixed UP about UP!
If you are UP to it, you might try building UP a list of the many ways UP is used. It will take UP a lot of your time, but if you don’t give UP, you may wind UP with a hundred or more.
When it threatens to rain, we say it is clouding UP. When the sun comes out, it is clearing UP. When it rains, it soaks UP the earth. When it does not rain, things dry UP.
It’s no wonder children are messed UP—one minute we tell them to speak UP and then we tell them to shut UP.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD ONE-LINERS – 4
One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
My old man, I told him I’m tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
The big difference between sex for money and free sex is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
My wife’s not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, “All kids smell that way.”
My wife has to be the worst cook. I’ve got the only dog who begs for alka-seltzer.
There’s only one thing wrong with my wife’s face – it shows.
When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.”
General Humor Quotes
I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio… I don’t understand a word they’re saying.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.
DEAR REVENUE CANADA
Dear Revenue Canada (or whatever your current name may be):
Enclosed and/or attached, you will find my 2012 tax return showing that I owe $3,407.00 in taxes.
Please note the attached article from the Toronto Globe and Mail; dated 12 November, wherein you will see the Canadian Department of National Defence is paying $171.50 per hammer and Fisheries and Oceans Canada has paid $600.00 per toilet seat for its icebreakers.
As payment, I am enclosing four (4) toilet seats (valued @ $2,400) and six (6) hammers valued @ $1,029), which I secured at Canadian Tire, bringing my total remittance to $3,429.00.
Please apply the overpayment of $22.00 to the ‘Help Stephan Dion Election Fund,’ as noted on my return.
You can do this inexpensively by sending them one (1) 1.5′ Phillips Head screw (see aforementioned article from The Globe and Mail detailing how the Department of Public Works pays $22.00 each for 1.5′ Phillips Head Screws). One Philips screw is enclosed for your convenience.
It has been a pleasure to pay my tax bill this year, and I look forward to paying it again next year.
God Bless Canada!
COLD DAY IN HELL
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil.
The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.
At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity.
At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man, and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Pennsylvania.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind.
At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, instead the man was singing louder than ever, twirling the sledge hammer like a baton.
When the devil asked him why he was so happy, the man answered, “Cold day in hell – the Eagles must have won the Super Bowl!”
CLASSROOM PSYCHOLOGY – FINAL EXAM
A psychology professor at the University of Miami knew his students expected a terrifyingly long final exam.
To play with their minds a little (what do you expect from a psychology professor?) he only put ONE question on the final exam.
He watched the reactions of the students as they all opened the exams and saw the one question.
Initially they all looked relieved, but as the difficulty of the question began to sink in, those relieved faces sagged to confusion and consternation.
All, that is, except for one student.
He read the question, tapped his pencil into his palm a few times, then jotted something down on the test paper.
He walked up to the professor, handed him the final, and walked out.
The professor blinked in surprise, looked at what the student wrote, and smiled.
The professor wrote “100%” on the top of that student’s test.
The Question: What is courage?
The Student’s Answer: This is.
A man with a winking problem is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm. The interviewer looks over his papers and says, “This is phenomenal. You’ve graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we’d hire you without a second thought.
However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we’re afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I’m sorry…. we can’t hire you.”
“But wait,” the man says. “If I take two aspirin, I’ll stop winking!”
“Really? Great! Show me!”
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
“Well,” said the interviewer, “that’s all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!”
“Womanizing? What do you mean? I’m a happily married man!”
“Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?”
“Oh, that,” he sighed. “Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?”
VLADIMIR PUTIN JOKES
“The standoff in Ukraine keeps getting worse.
But a new poll shows Vladimir Putin’s approval rating has actually gone up 10 percent since he sent troops into Crimea.
When he heard that, Obama just shrugged and sent troops to invade Canada.” – Jimmy Fallon
“It seems like everybody’s weighing in on the situation.
In fact, Senator John McCain has released a list of 11 steps he thinks the White House should take to punish Russia.
Usually when McCain takes 11 steps, he uses a stair lift.” – Jimmy Fallon
“President Obama released his March Madness bracket this morning, picking Michigan State to win the tournament.
In response, Vladimir Putin started moving troops into Gonzaga.” – Seth Meyers
“A new poll found that two-thirds of Americans are following the situation in Ukraine, which is impressive.
Usually, you can’t find two-thirds of Americans who are following the situation in America.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, in a highly debated election, 95 percent of Crimea voted to secede from Ukraine and join Russia.
Yeah, 95 percent voted to join Russia.
Even Kim Jong Un said, ‘Yeah, right.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Things have gotten very tense between the U.S. and Russia.
In fact, during a speech today Vladimir Putin criticized the U.S. for thinking it’s ‘always right.’
Then he went back to organizing an election where you can’t vote ‘No.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Vladimir Putin signed a treaty this morning that formally absorbs Crimea into the Russian Federation.
So if you felt bad because you didn’t know where Crimea was, don’t worry, it’s gone.” –Seth Meyers
“Vice President Biden said today that the U.S. is considering sending troops to the Baltic states bordering Russia.
According to Biden, the Baltic states are the territories located just past Boardwalk and Park Place.” –Seth Meyers
“The situation in Ukraine keeps getting more tense.
And now Vladimir Putin has moved 10,000 troops to the Russian-Ukrainian border.
Russia says its troops are there only for a training exercise.
When asked what they’re training for, Russian officials said, ‘Invading Ukraine.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“The crisis in Ukraine still has people worried.
Today John McCain led a group of senators there to get a firsthand look.
When they landed, McCain said, ‘This is a disaster, these people are living like animals!’
And then someone said, ‘We have a layover – this is LaGuardia Airport.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Things are moving quickly over there.
Crimea is now holding a vote on whether to join Russia, but the ballot doesn’t have an option for voting against the plan – it lets people vote for joining Russia now, or down the road.
When asked where he got the idea, Vladimir Putin said, ‘iTunes user agreement.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“It’s been very tense between Russia and us recently.
In fact, lawmakers in Russia have started a petition to get the U.S. kicked out of this year’s World Cup.
Or they could just take the easier route and wait until we lose in the first round to literally any other country.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Sarah Palin offered some advice to President Obama regarding Vladimir Putin, saying the only thing that stops a bad guy with a nuke is a good guy with a nuke.
And the most shocking part of that statement is that she considers President Obama a good guy.” –Seth Meyers
“Vladimir Putin is a goon, a stooge, and a thug.
Not only did he invade Crimea, but he shut down ‘meet-Russian-women.com.'” –David Letterman
“If you want to boycott Russia, do what I did. Switch to a domestic vodka.” –David Letterman
“President Obama this week warned Russian President Vladimir Putin, who has sent warships to Crimea, that he is on the “wrong side of history.”
Pretty strong words from a guy who still uses a Blackberry.” –Cecily Strong
“Vladimir Putin said the tanks that you see rolling through the streets are just part of the closing ceremonies of the Olympics.” –David Letterman
“If Putin invades Ukraine and then passes the written test, he will be promoted to dictator.” –David Letterman
“Because of Russia’s actions in Ukraine, President Obama is threatening them with economic sanctions.
Obama said if Russia doesn’t pull out of Kiev we’re not going to let them borrow any of the money that we borrowed from China.” –Conan O’Brien
“Putin doesn’t know what the troops are doing there.
And he has no exit strategy.
He got that from us.” –David Letterman
“Russia is threatening to invade Ukraine, and the U.S. is stepping in.
In fact, just yesterday the U.S. gave a billion dollars to Ukraine to help stabilize the region.
Then Detroit said, ‘Hey, can WE go to war with Russia?'” –Jimmy Fallon
“Just one day after the U.S. gave Ukraine a billion dollars, the E.U. announced it was giving Ukraine $15 billion.
It’s kind of like when your sister gives your mom a fancy necklace for Christmas right after you give her a pair of socks.” –Jimmy Fallon
“Yesterday, House Speaker John Boehner referred to Vladimir Putin as a ‘thug,’ and then called on President Obama to stand up to him.
Which is sort of like throwing your drink on a big guy at a bar and then saying, ‘My friend here will take care of you.'” –Jimmy Fallon
“The president of the United States is getting outplayed.
Look what he wore when he Saturday during a tense 90-minute phone call with Putin – no tie, jeans with a jean shirt.
What is this, casual doomsday?
Meanwhile, on the other end, you know Putin is shirtless, stroking a tiger, looking into an infinity mirror.” –Stephen Colbert
“Despite the fact that the Ukraine has been all over the news for the past few weeks, a survey found that 64 percent of U.S. students still couldn’t find Ukraine on a map.
Said Vladimir Putin, ‘Soon nobody will.'” –Seth Meyers
“The Olympics are done.
The Russians have nothing to do so they invaded Crimea.” –David Letterman
FUNNY SCHOOL QUOTES
Thank goodness I was never sent to school; it would have rubbed off some of the originality.
There are only two places in the world where time takes precedence over the job to be done: school and prison.
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
There is nothing so stupid as the educated man if you get him off the thing he was educated in.
If the Romans had been obliged to learn Latin, they would never have found time to conquer the world.
In the first place God made idiots; that was for practice; then he made school boards.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam: I looked into the soul of another boy.
Education is a progressive discovery of your own ignorance.
It is a miracle that curiosity survives formal education.
My school was so tough the school newspaper had an obituary section.
B. F. Skinner
Education is what survives when what has been learned has been forgotten.
BLONDE IN A DESERT
A blonde, a redhead, and a brunette were all lost in the desert.
They found a lamp and rubbed it. A genie popped out and granted them each one wish.
The redhead wished to be back home. Poof! She was back home.
The brunette wished to be at home with her family. Poof! She was back home with her family.
The blonde said, “Awwww, I wish my friends were here.”
GOLF IN HEAVEN
God, Jesus and John the Baptist are playing golf up in heaven.
On the first tee, JB leads off and hits a big blast right down the gut; it rolls to a stop about 270 yards out, perfect lie.
Jesus steps up next and kills the ball, sending it about 300 yards straight away, perfect lie.
God steps up and waggles and wiggles and then badly hooks his ball into the trees. As it flies in, a huge oak is struck by lightning and splits, one half falling into the path of the oncoming ball and knocking it into the fairway.
As it comes to a rest, a bare 50 yards out, a squirrel darts out of the woods on the other side and grabs the ball and takes off towards the left-side woods.
Before he gets in, an eagle swoops down and grabs the squirrel, carrying it aloft down the fairway.
Just as it passes over the green, the eagle is pelted by hailstones, whereupon it drops the squirrel (still clutching the ball) onto the green about three feet from the hole
Dazed, the squirrel spits the ball out where it rolls up and stops on the lip of the cup.
Suddenly there is an earthquake! The ball drops in… hole in one!
Jesus stares at John the Baptist with a pissed look, then turns to God and says: “Dad? We gonna play golf, or are You just gonna mess around?”
THAT NICE GEORGE JOHNSON
Dorothy and Edna, two ‘senior’ widows, are talking.
Dorothy: ‘That nice George Johnson asked me out for a date, I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer.’
Edna: ‘Well, I’ll tell you, he turned up at my bungalow punctually at 7 oclock,
Dressed like a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brought me a lovely bunch of flowers!
Then he takes me downstairs, and outside my bungalow a limousine was waiting, uniformed chauffeur and all.
Then he took me out for dinner… A marvelous dinner… Lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks.
Then we go see a show, let me tell you, Dorothy,
I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure!
So then we get back to my bungalow, and he turns into an ANIMAL.
Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me twice!’
Dorothy: ‘Goodness gracious!… so you are telling me I shouldn’t go out with him?’
Edna: ‘No, no, no… I’m just saying, wear an old dress.’
GET OUT AND DON’T COME BACK
A large corporation, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The place was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, “How much money do you make a week?”
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, “I make $400 a week. Why?”
The CEO said, “Wait right here.” He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, “Here’s four weeks’ pay.
Now GET OUT and don’t come back.”
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, “Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?”
From across the room a voice said, “He’s the pizza delivery guy from Domino’s.”
FUNNY ST. PATRICK’S DAY QUOTES
May the Good Lord take a liking to you… but not too soon!
Saint Patrick was a gentleman
Who through strategy and stealth
Drove all the snakes from Ireland
Here’s a drinkee to his health!
But not too many drinkees
Lest we lose ourselves and then…
Forget the good Saint Patrick
And see them snakes again!
Anyone acquainted with Ireland knows that the morning of St. Patrick’s Day consists of the night of the 17th of March flavored strongly with the morning of the 18th.
Why should you never iron a 4-leaf clover? You don’t want to press your luck.
There are only two kinds of people in the world, The Irish and those who wish they were.
There are many good reasons for drinking,
One has just entered my head.
If a man doesn’t drink when he’s living,
How in the hell can he drink when he’s dead?
An Irishman is never drunk as long as he can hold onto one blade of grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Charles M. Madigan
St. Patrick — one of the few saints whose feast day presents the opportunity to get determinedly whacked and make a fool of oneself all under the guise of acting Irish.
St. Patrick’s Day Toast
Here’s to a long life and a merry one.
A quick death and an easy one
A pretty girl and an honest one
A cold beer – and another one!
It is better to spend money like there’s no tomorrow than to spend tonight like there’s no money!
May you die in bed at ninety-five years, shot by a jealous husband (or wife).
DOCTOR’S DESCRIPTION OF OBAMACARE
The best description of Obamacare so far:
Remember when Nancy Pelosi said:
“We have to pass it, to find out what’s in it.”
A physician called into a radio show and said:
“That’s the definition of a stool sample”.
A GIRL’S FIRST TIME
As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.
He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it’s the first time his finger has found the right place. He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he’s gentle like he promised he’d be.
He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he’s done this many times before. His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an ease entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible.
As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it’s too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on.
He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you. After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.
You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.
Almost 150 yrs ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator – Mr. Alan Pinkerton.
The function that Pinkerton established actually was the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of three-letter agencies – FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA. Now comes a proposal for another agency: The “Airport Security Service.”
Can’t you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs?
RELATIONSHIPS AND COMPARISONS
Garth and his wife Sadie are having dinner at an upmarket restaurant in Melbourne, when an attractive young redhead walks by, smiles at Garth and says, “Hello Garth.”
Sadie immediately asks, “And who was that girl who just spoke to you?”
Garth replies, “Oh her, that’s my mistress.”
“You have a mistress? I don’t believe you. How long has this been going on?” says Sadie.
“About ten years, on and off.” answers Garth.
“Ten years?”, says Sadie. “You swine! I’ll see a solicitor tomorrow and start divorce proceedings. I’ll ruin you, you wait and see.”
“Now hold on Sadie,” responds Garth, “just think about it for a minute. If we get a divorce, you will only get only half of what we have together now. You won’t have our big house in Hampstead, you’ll no longer get a new Lexus as your birthday present from me each year, you won’t be able to play golf all day with your friends, you won’t …”
But before Garth can continue, a blonde walks past and says to him, “Hello, nice to see you again.”
Sadie asks, “And who was that, another of your ‘girls’?”
Garth replies, “No, that’s Harry’s mistress.”
“You mean that Harry also has a mistress?” says Sadie, surprised.
Garth answers, “Of course, she’s been with him for nearly twelve years.”
Sadie then says, proudly, “I like ours a lot better.”
POLITICALLY CORRECT WAYS TO ADDRESS WOMEN
She does not: GET PMS
She becomes: HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL
She does not have: A KILLER BODY
She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE
She is not: A BAD COOK
She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not: A BAD DRIVER
She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED
She is not a: PERFECT 10
She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR
She is not: EASY
She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not: HATE SPORTS ON TV
She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED
She does not have: SEXY LIPS
She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get: DRUNK
She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED
You do not ask her: TO DANCE
You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE
She is not: A GOSSIP
She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR
She does not: WORK OUT TOO MUCH
She is an: ABDOMINAL OVERACHIEVER
She does not have: A GREAT BUTT
She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS
She is not: HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS
She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not: COLD OR FRIGID
She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE
She does not: WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP
She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED
She does not have: GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK)
Her assets are: CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never: GAIN WEIGHT
She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER
She is not: A SCREAMER OR MOANER
She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE
She does not: SHAVE HER LEGS
She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not have: A HARD BODY
She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE
She does not: SUN BATHE
She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT
Her breast will never: SAG
They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not: SHOP TOO MUCH
She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS
She does not: CUT YOU OFF
She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE
She does not have: BIG HAIR
She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED
She does not: SNORE
She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE
She does not: GET DRUNK
She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC
She does not have: BIG HOOTERS
Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER
She is not: TOO SKINNY
She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT
A DYING SCOTSMAN
On his deathbed, he looked up and said: “Is my wife here?”
His wife replies: “Yes, dear, I’m here, next to you..”
The Scot goes: “Are my children here?”
“Yes, daddy, we are all here?” say the children.
The Scot: “Are my other relatives also here?”
And they say: “Yes, we are all here…”
The Scot says: “Then why in tarnation is the light on in the kitchen?”
A guy is walking along when suddenly he got his foot caught stuck in some railroad tracks. He tried to get it out but it was really stuck in there well. He heard a noise and turned around to see a train coming.
He panicked and started to pray, “God, please get my foot out of these tracks and I’ll stop drinking!”
Nothing happened, it was still stuck, and the train was getting closer!
He prayed again, “God, please get my foot out and I’ll stop drinking AND cussing!”
Still nothing….. and the train was just seconds away!
He tried it one more time, “God please, if you get my foot out of the tracks, I’ll quit drinking, cussing, smoking and having sex with all the women I meet.”
Suddenly his foot shot out of the tracks and he was able to dive out of the way, just as the train passed!
He got up, dusted himself off, looked toward Heaven and said, “Thanks anyway God, I got it myself.”
GUD OLD DAYS
Grandpa and Grandpa were sitting in their porch rockers watching the beautiful sunset and reminiscing about “the good old days,” when Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, “Honey, do you remember when we first started dating and you used to just casually reach over and take my hand?”
Grandpa looked over at her, smiled and obligingly took her aged hand in his.
With a wry little smile, Grandma pressed a little farther, “Honey, do you remember how after we were engaged, you’d sometimes lean over and suddenly kiss me on the cheek?”
Grandpa leaned slowly toward Grandma and gave her a lingering kiss on her wrinkled cheek.
Growing bolder still, Grandma said, “Honey, do you remember how, after we were first married, you’d kind of nibble on my ear?”
Grandpa slowly got up from his rocker and headed into the house. Alarmed, Grandma said, “Honey, where are you going?”
Grandpa replied, “To get my teeth!”
FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES
Remember, it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Some people think football is a matter of life and death…I can assure them it is much more serious than that.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Serious sport is war minus the shooting.
There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them works.
You don’t suffer, kill yourself and take the risks I take just for money. I love bike racing.
Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very un-orderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off.
Football is violence and cold weather and sex and college rye.
Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.
WHAT MEN MEAN – 3
“Go ask your mother.”
“I am incapable of making a decision.”
“You know how bad my memory is.”
“I remember the theme song to ‘F Troop’, the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I’ve ever owned, but I forgot your birthday.”
“I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses.”
“The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe.”
“Football is a man’s game.”
“Women are generally too smart to play it.”
“Oh, don’t fuss. I just cut myself, it’s no big deal.”
“I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I’m hurt.”
“I do help around the house.”
“I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket.”
“Hey, I’ve got my reasons for what I’m doing.”
“And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon.”
“I can’t find it.”
“It didn’t fall into my outstretched hands, so I’m completely clueless.”
“What did I do this time?”
“What did you catch me at?”
There was a husband and his wife sitting next to a drunk in a bar.
Suddenly the drunk stands up and yells, “ATTENTION ALL” and farts loudly.
The wife is extremely embarrassed, and the husband looks at the drunk and says, “Excuse me, you just farted before my wife.”
The drunks replies, ” I’m sorry I didn’t know it was her turn.”
TOUCHING STORY ON HOW MEN THINK
As she sat by him, he whispered, his eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side…
You know what Mary?”
“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
“I’m beginning to think you’re just bad luck.”
A U.S., first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they are American too.
Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception.
A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd.
The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because, I am not an American.”
“Then”, asks the teacher, “What are you?”
“I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian.
“Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.
The teacher is now really angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly.
“What if your mom was a crappy hockey player and your dad was a crappy hockey player? Would that mean that you’re a crappy hockey player too?”
A pause and a smile, then, says Kristen, “Nope! That’d mean I’m an American!”
RODNEY DANGERFIELD ONE-LINERS – 5
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood he ran a tab!
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
I asked him, ̶