In spite of all the grim news, there’s always room for some humor. There are more than 900 pages of jokes, cartoons and funny stuff in Volume 2 below and over 1,000 pages in Humor, Jokes ‘n Stuff – Vol. 1
New ones are still being posted in Vol. 3 . Enjoy!
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GHOST SHIT
An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset. Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he figured that the latest episode was just that, so he stayed put.
Suddenly, however, he filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.
In a complete loss of composure, he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.
A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. The drunk started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently, in an attempt to free himself of the sheets. He ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.
As the drunk stood there, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard walked up to him and asked, what the hell is going on?
The drunk, still staring down at the sheets, replied, “I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost.”
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CONDOM CONVENTION
One afternoon, a representative for a condom company was on her way to an international condom convention.
While rushing through the busy airport, she dropped her briefcase carrying her samples, scattering condoms across the floor.
She noticed passersby looking at her as she quickly tried to stuff all of the condoms back into her briefcase.
“It’s okay,” she said. “I’m going to a convention.”
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GEORGE CARLIN QUOTES
•Always do whatever’s next.
•By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
•Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.
•Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
•Future historians will be able to study at the Jimmy Carter Library, the Gerald Ford Library, the Ronald Reagan Library, and the Bill Clinton Adult Bookstore.
•I’m in shape. Round is a shape.
•I’m not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
•In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.
•Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
•Life… is a series of dogs.
•May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
•Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
•One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
•Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
•The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.
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LOCH NESS MONSTER
An atheist was rowing at the lake, when suddenly the Loch Ness monster attacked and grabbed him from his boat. He panicked and shouted “God help me!”, and suddenly, the monster and everything around him just stopped.
A voice from the heavens boomed “You say you don’t believe in me, but now you are asking for my help?”
The atheist looked up and said: Well, ten seconds ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness Monster either!
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FUNNY THANKSGIVING QUOTES
Mitch Hedberg
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get mad at turkeys. There’s turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey, ‘man, just be yourself.
Ambrose Bierce
Turkey: A large bird whose flesh, when eaten on certain religious anniversaries has the peculiar property of attesting piety and gratitude.
Ellen Orleans
I have strong doubts that the first Thanksgiving even remotely resembled the ‘history’ I was told in second grade. But considering that (when it comes to holidays) mainstream America’s traditions tend to be over-eating, shopping, or getting drunk, I suppose it’s a miracle that the concept of giving thanks even surfaces at all.
Kin Hubbard
A lot of Thanksgiving days have been ruined by not carving the turkey in the kitchen.
Erma Bombeck, No One Diets on Thanksgiving
What we’re really talking about is a wonderful day set aside on the fourth Thursday of November when no one diets. I mean, why else would they call it Thanksgiving?
Cornelius Plantinga, Jr.
It must be an odd feeling to be thankful to nobody in particular. Christians in public institutions often see this odd thing happening on Thanksgiving Day. Everyone in the institution seems to be thankful ‘in general.’ It’s very strange. It’s a little like being married in general.
Alton Brown
That’s the ultimate goal of most turkey recipes: to create a great skin and stuffing to hide the fact that turkey meat, in its cooked state, is dry and flavorless. Does it have to be that way? No. We just have to focus on what the turkey is and what the turkey needs.
Ted Nugent
If you want to save a species, simply decide to eat it. Then it will be managed — like chickens, like turkeys, like deer, like Canadian geese.
Russell Baker
It was dramatic to watch my grandmother decapitate a turkey with an ax the day before Thanksgiving. Nowadays the expense of hiring grandmothers for the ax work would probably qualify all turkeys so honored with ‘gourmet’ status.
Jim Davis
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread and pumpkin pie.
Jon Stewart
I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.
Johnny Carson
Thanksgiving is an emotional holiday. People travel thousands of miles to be with people they only see once a year. And then discover once a year is way too often.
Anonymous
May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey plump,
May your potatoes and gravy
Have nary a lump.
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize,
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!
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ECONOMY JOKES – 4
Q: How bad is the economy?
A: Vice President Cheney took his stockbroker hunting!
Q: What does AIG stands for?
A: Adventures in Greed!
Q: How do you know we have the wrong people in Washington?
A: When they start asking Nicholas Cage for debt advice!
Q: What is Dick Cheney’s solution to this financial crisis?
A: Approving waterboarding for stockbrokers and CEOs!’
Q: How do you know when stocks are getting cheap?
A: Wall Street is called Wal-Mart Street.
Q: How is the bad economy affecting the Super Bowl?
A: Instead of a coin toss they are now going to play rock, paper, scissors!
Q: How bad do economists think this global recession will get?
A: So bad economists are starting to stimulate their own packages!
Q: How do you that the American people are in trouble?
A: CEO’s and prostitutes are merging so they can screw the American people more efficiently!
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LEGAL AND LOGICAL
After having failed his exam in “Logistics and Organization “, a student goes and confronts his lecturer about it.
Student: “Sir, do you really understand anything about the subject?”
Professor: “Surely I must. Otherwise I would not be a professor!”
Student: “Great, well then I would like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my mark as is and go. If you however do not know the answer, I want you give me an “A” for the exam. ”
Professor: “Okay, it’s a deal. So what is the question?”
Student: “What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?”
Even after some long and hard consideration, the professor cannot give the student an answer, and therefore changes his exam mark into an “A”, as agreed.
Afterwards, the professor calls on his best student and asks him the same question.
He immediately answers: “Sir, you are 63 years old and married to a 35 year old woman, which is legal but not logical.
Your wife has a 25 year old lover, which is logical but not legal.
The fact that you have given your wife’s lover an “A”, although he really should have failed, is neither legal nor logical”.
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COCAINE JOKES – 2
Q: What did a team of doctors say when Nicole Richie complained about her inability to gain weight while she was pregnant?
A: Doctors concluded that she should eat food rather than cocaine and vodka!
Q: What happened after the Mexican government eliminated jail time for drug possession?
A: For the first time in history Mexico is worried about illegal immigration from the US!
Q: If legalizing pot in the USA can bring in billions in dollars in taxes, what can legalizing cocaine do?
A: Bring back the Bee-Gees and clothing from the 70’s!
Q: What did George W Bush say after hearing Barack Obama admitted to using cocaine in high school?
A: “High school? I can’t believe he waited that long.”
Q: What are the first five words a crackhead in a three piece tailored suit hears?
A: “Will the defendant please rise”
Q: What’s worth more than a black market kidney or liver?
A: Kate Moss’ nose hairs!
Q: How did the WTA know that Martina Hingis was using cocaine?
A: She tried to snort the service line!
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NEWFIE ON A PLANE
A priest was seated next to a Newfie on a flight to St.John’s. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Newfie asked for a Lambs Rum and Pepsi, which was brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust “I’d rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips.”
The Newfie handed his drink back to the attendant and said “Me too. I didn’t know we had a choice.”
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HAVE A GOOD DAY
Think you’re having a bad day?
Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.
A post mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.
It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.
You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.
Some days it just doesn’t pay to get out of bed, but keep reading….
Still think you’re having a bad day?
A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.
His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.
While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.
After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.
The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.
As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse…
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdes oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a bad day?
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places.. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
STILL think you’re having a bad day?
Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn , Germany. Suddenly, all 2000 pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
What?! STILL having a bad day??
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with ‘return to sender’ stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
Feel better now?
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THEN AND NOW
Over five thousand years ago, Moses said to the children of Israel, “Pick up your shovels, mount your asses and camels, and I will lead you to the Promised Land.”
Nearly 75 years ago, (when Welfare was introduced) Roosevelt said, “Lay down your shovels, sit on your asses, and light up a Camel, this is the Promised Land.”
Today, Congress has stolen your shovel, taxed your asses, raised the price of Camels, and mortgaged the Promised Land!
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I was so depressed last night thinking about health care plans, the economy, the wars, lost jobs, savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc. I called a suicide hotline. I had to press 1 for English. I was connected to a call center in Pakistan. I told them I was suicidal.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck…
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RODNEY DANGERFIELD ONE-LINERS – 6
Self
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
Wife
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
Wife
One day as I came home early from work… I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy, “Hey buddy, why are you doing that?” He said, “Because you came home early.”
Self
One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.
Funny Incidents
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
Doctors
I went to the doctor because I’d swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Wife
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
Family
My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
Self
You wanna have laughs? Do what I do. When I go through a tollbooth, I keep going. I tell the guy, “The car behind me is paying for two.”
Wife
I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.
Wife
Once, somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said, “No, but I did get the license number”.
Wife
With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.
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OLD GOATS
A group of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland.
As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat’s milk was used.
She showed the group a lively hillside where many goats were grazing.
“These,” she explained, “are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce.”
She then asked, “What do you do in America with your old goats?”
A spry old gentleman answered, “They send us on bus tours!”
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TWO LAWS, SAME DAY
Two Laws in the Torah were fulfilled on the same day.
For those who haven’t heard, Washington State passed two landmark laws: “Gay marriage” and the “Legalization of marijuana”.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes perfect biblical sense because Leviticus 20:13 says:
“If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”
We just hadn’t interpreted it correctly!
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THE COWBOY
An old cowboy dressed to kill with a cowboy shirt, hat, jeans, spurs and chaps went to a bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat there sipping his whiskey, a young lady sat down next to him. After she ordered her drink she turned to the cowboy and asked him, “Are you a real cowboy?”
The cowboy replied, “Well, I have spent my whole life on the ranch, herding cows, breaking horses, mending fences, I guess I am.” After a short while he asked her what she was.
She replied, “I’ve never been on a ranch so I’m not a cowboy, but I am a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning I think of women, when I eat, work, watch TV, everything seems to make me think of women.”
A short while later she left and the cowboy ordered another drink.
A couple sat down next to him and asked, “Are you a real cowboy?”
He replied, “I always thought I was, but I just found out that I’m probably a lesbian.
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PATIENT VS DOCTOR
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 HOURS! That’s terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE?
Doctor: I’ve been trying to reach you since yesterday.
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THE GAMBLER
During the Great Depression, there was a man who walked into a bar one day. He went up to the bartender and said, “Bartender, I’d like to buy the house a round of drinks.”
The bartender said, “That’s fine, but we’re in the middle of the Depression, so I’ll need to see some money first.”
The guy pulled out a huge wad of bills and set them on the bar. The bartender can’t believe what he’s seeing. “Where did you get all that money?” asked the bartender.
“I’m a professional gambler,” replied the man.
The bartender said, “There’s no such thing! I mean, your odds are fifty-fifty at best, right?”
“Well, I only bet on sure things,” said the guy.
“Like what?” asked the bartender.
“Well, for example, I’ll bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye,” he said.
The bartender thought about it. “Okay,” he said.
So, the guy pulled out his false right eye and bit it. “Aw, you screwed me,” said the bartender, and paid the guy his $50.
“I’ll give you another chance. I’ll bet you another fifty dollars that I can bite my left eye,” said the stranger.
The bartender thought again and said, “Well, I know you’re not blind, I mean, I watched you walk in here. I’ll take that bet.” So, the guy pulled out his false teeth and bit his left eye.
“Aw, you screwed me again!” protested the bartender.
“That’s how I win so much money, bartender. I’ll just take a bottle of your best scotch in lieu of the fifty dollars,” said the man.
With that, the guy went to the back room and spent the better part of the night playing cards with some of the locals. After many hours of drinking and card playing, he stumbled up to the bar. Drunk as a skunk, he said, “Bartender, I’ll give you one last chance. I’ll bet you five hundred dollars that I can stand on this bar on one foot and piss into that whiskey bottle on that shelf behind you without spilling a drop.”
The bartender once again pondered the bet. The guy couldn’t even stand up straight on two feet, much less one. “Okay, you’re on,” he said.
The guy climbed up on the bar, stood on one leg, and began pissing all over the place. He hit the bar, the bartender, himself, but not a drop made it into the whiskey bottle.
The bartender was ecstatic. Laughing, the bartender said, “Hey pal, you owe me five hundred dollars!”
The guy climbed down off the bar and said, “That’s okay. I just bet each of the guys in the card room a thousand bucks each that I could piss all over you and the bar and still make you laugh!”
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ECONOMY JOKES – 5
Q: How do you know when job market is getting worse?
A: People forced to work for peanuts, can’t even do that!
Q: Why are people afraid of losing one hour of sleep because of daylight savings time?
A: After losing their home, job, and 401k nothing scares them now!
Q: Why does President Obama think it’s good that gas prices have fallen?
A: Because now people can afford to drive the cars they’re living in!
Q: How do you know the economy is getting worse?
A: People who have nothing to do with the Obama administration aren’t paying their taxes!
Q: Why is the United States Congress and the porn industry always mentioned together?
A: Between the porn industry and Congress, no one has screwed more people!
Q: Why don’t we need Daylight Savings Time?
A: Because the President has already turned the clocks back to 1929.
Q: Why do people believe in the President’s pledge about turning around the economy?
A: Because he will be out of office soon!
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JOHNNY O AND THE DOC.
Dr. Eric Williams, first Prime Minister of Trinidad & Tobago was known for his aloofness, dry answers and keeping his cool.
One day, while on a visit to the Opening Ceremony of the New Civic Centre in Mayaro, he took respite after the function, at the house of Works Minister Victor Campbell in Mafeking.
Relaxing on the veranda, Johnny O’Halloran, with a drink in his hand said, “Doc, leh we go to war with de United States nah !”
Dr. Williams with the eternal cigarette hanging from his lips, his eyes unaverted answered in his low voice, “And what would that do?”
“Well yuh see Doc., when the Americans bomb-up Hiroshima an’ Nagasaki in World War 2, dem self turn rong and help rebuild Japan betta dan it was before. Yuh understan’ where ah coming from?“
The Doc continued gazing in the distance, took a drag on his cigarette, let it return hanging from his lips, and slowly exhaled the smoke.
Without looking at Johnny O, he softly asked, “And what if we win?”
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THE ARM TRANSPLANT
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital.
Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.
“I have some good news and some bad news,” says the surgeon.
“The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!”
“Oh God no!” cries the man “My golfing is over! Please Doc, what’s the good news?”
“The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it’s a woman’s arm. I’ll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant.”
“Go for it doc” says the man. “As long as I can play golf again.”
The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. “Hi, how’s the new arm?” asks the surgeon.
“Just great,” says the businessman. “I’m playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved.”
“That’s great,” said the surgeon.
“Not only that,” continued the golfer, “my handwriting has improved, I’ve learned how to sew my own clothes and I’ve even taken up painting landscapes in watercolours.”
“Unbelievable!” said the surgeon, “I’m so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?”
“Well, just one problem,” said the golfer. “Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache.”
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FUNNY YEARBOOK QUOTES
Lenny Bruce
I won’t say ours was a tough school, but we had our own coroner. We used to write essays like ‘What I’m going to be if I grow up.
Bob Dylan
Colleges are like old-age homes, except for the fact that more people die in colleges.
Anonymous
School is like a lollipop. It sucks until it is gone.
Sam Ewing, Readers Digest, Dec, 1997
As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you’re grown up, a credit card does it.
Ambrose Bierce
Education: That which discloses the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.
Emo Philips
In our school you were searched for guns and knives on the way in and if you didn’t have any, they gave you some.
Tallulah Bankhead
I read Shakespeare and the Bible, and I can shoot dice. That’s what I call a liberal education.
Gracie Allen
Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.
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TWO ELDERLY GENTLEMEN
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says:
“John, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
John says, “I feel just like a newborn baby.”
“Really!? Like a newborn baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.”
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TIMELESS TRUTHS
In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame; two is a law firm and three or more is a government.
~~ John Adams
If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
~~ Mark Twain
Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of government. But then I repeat myself.
~~ Mark Twain
I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle.
~~ Winston Churchill
A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul .
~~ George Bernard Shaw
Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.
~~ Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton a t Georgetown University
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.
~~ P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian
Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.
~~ Frederic Bastiat, French economist(1801-1850)
I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
~~ Will Rogers
If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free!
~~ P.J. O’Rourke
In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.
~~ Voltaire (1764)
Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you!
~~ Pericles (430 B.C.)
No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
~~ Mark Twain (1866)
Talk is cheap…except when government does it.
~~ Anonymous
The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.
~~ Ronald Reagan
T he only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.
~~ Mark Twain
There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save government.
~~ Mark Twain
What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.
~~ Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.
~~ Thomas Jefferson
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~~ Aesop
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IRRESISTABLE MODEL
The artist tried to concentrate on his work, but the attraction he felt for his model finally became irresistible. He threw down his palette, took her in his arms and kissed her.
She pushed him away. “Maybe your other models let you kiss them,” she said.
“I’ve never tried to kiss a model before,” he swore.
“Really?” she said, softening, “How many models have there been?”
“Four,” he replied, “A jug, two apples, and a vase.”
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YOU KNOW YOU’RE FROM SASKATCHEWAN WHEN …
– Your pronunciation of “Saskatchewan” is down to 1 syllable: “Skatchw’n”.
– You go into a bar and order a Pilsner.
– Losing sight of the horizon, for even a few seconds, leaves you with an ‘icky’ feeling of disorientation for the rest of the day.
– You’re confused when cars come equipped with options that would never be needed, such as turn signals and yet, obvious options like trailer hitches and air conditioning, are extras.
– You actually understand, and perhaps can describe in detail, the necessity for geographical correction lines.
-You can’t understand why those American television networks never settle on a schedule, instead of shifting all their programs back and forth an hour every spring and fall.
– You always know Christmas is near because stores stay open late TWO nights a week rather than one or not at all.
– While cleaning out your teenage son’s closet, you’re alarmed to discover tucked away in the back a foot-high stack of old “Western Producers”.
– You rent off-season storage space for your snowmobile on a week-by-week basis.
– You understand, and become quite emotional, when some outsider doesn’t know the difference between a farmer and a rancher.
– You overhear someone explain how he installed a counter binder on his combine’s pulley-driven wheat flattener with a square head hydrostatic coupler, using a universal bushing degreaser, and you can’t believe he left only 5 inches of clearance between the kernel rotor and the straw-feed regulator – the idiot!
– Once every 23 years you perform strange ritualistic dances in public places (Riders win Grey Cup).
– Every year you believe this will be the year for the Riders, and are surprised when it isn’t.
– You never realized you had a fear of heights until the day you made the mistake of looking down an open well.
– Your other vehicle is a Massey.
– When (if) the bank teller asks for some form of identification, you point to the arm patch on your slow-pitch jacket.
– You question why they didn’t call them the Cypress Mountains.
– The local car wash has a sign prohibiting people from using it to wash out manure or animal blood.
– You’ve required a total of 40 stitches over the years for various lacerations suffered while doing the butterfly at wedding dances.
– You drive your truck through a metal detector…and it doesn’t go off.
– Americans give you weird looks because the name of your province and (or) town sounds funny.
– You know that the giant green turtle in Turtleford, is one of a kind.
– Every birthday you receive exactly the present you most desperately need: a new curling broom.
– You actually have enough ball caps to match every shirt you own, although you still insist on wearing only one so the others don’t get dirty, or you wear specific hats to farm sales, livestock auctions, customer appreciation suppers, and vacations.
– You think the stock market is a place to buy cattle and hogs.
– There’s an expired license plate hanging on your living room wall.
– There’s a road sign from your home town on your living room wall.
– You’re not yet licensed to drive a passenger vehicle, but you’ve been driving tandem axle trucks and large farm equipment for years.
– You never had to ask were babies come from.
– You’ve frozen a part of yourself to something else.
– You’ve ever been pumping gas and another customer asks you to check his oil.
– You have a refrigerator just for beer
– You still drive a pickup truck from ’82 but you trade your snowmobile off every year on a new one.
– Your lawn furniture used to be your living room furniture.
– You come back from the dump with more than you took.
– Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in your hometown.
– You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
– Ethnic diversity in your hometown consists of the Asian family who own the restaurant.
– You can expect the smaller businesses in town to be closed for at least a couple days in the fall due to hunting or harvesting.
– You judge drive time solely by the number of beers you need to take.
– You have been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
– You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
– You have flowers planted in a bathroom appliance in your front yard.
– You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
– You’ve taken Ukrainian dancing.
– You’ve been ice fishing several times, but you always get too drunk to get around to the fishing part.
– Your dog rides in your truck more than your wife.
– You know if there’s no guys in your class it’s harvest time or hunting season.
– You have ever had to wash off in the backyard with a garden hose before your wife would let you in the house.
– You’ve never thrown away a 5-gallon bucket.
– You can remember the fertilizer rate, seed population, herbicide rate and yields back 10 years ago, but cannot recall your wife’s birthday.
– You’ve been run off the road by or had a close encounter with farm equipment.
– You know what everybody’s vehicle looks like and drive by the bar in the morning to see who was really drunk last night, and then tour around to see who’s parked at someone else’s house.
– You have driven off the road while examining your neighbor’s crops.
– You have borrowed gravel from the RM road to fill potholes in your driveway.
– Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
– You have friends and neighbors with rooms, sheds, buildings etc. painted to match their favorite farm machinery brand.
– You’ve been too drunk to finish a curling bonspiel.
– You have at least as many vehicles as people in your family and own snowmobiles and ATV’s as well.
– You have a tattoo featuring your favorite farm machinery brand.
– The local paper covers national and international headlines on two pages, but requires six pages for hockey.
– The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
– You have the local taxidermist’s number on speed dial.
– Directions to your house include “turn off the paved road.”
*
*
*
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GUMMED UP
Aboard a flight from L.A. to New York, Grandma Esther was taking her very first flight.
They had only been aloft a few minutes when the elderly lady complained to the stewardess that her ears were popping.
The girl smiled and gave the older woman some chewing gum, assuring her that many people experienced the same discomfort.
When they landed in New York, Grandma thanked the stewardess.
“The chewing gum worked fine,” she said, “but tell me, how do I get it out of my ears?”
*
*
*
*
BEST KEPT SECRET
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.
“No woman,” said one man, scornfully, “can keep a secret.”
“I don’t know about that,” huffily answered a woman guest. “I have kept my age a secret since I was twenty-one.”
“You’ll let it out some day,” the man insisted.
“I hardly think so!” responded the lady. “When a woman has kept a secret for seventeen years, she can keep it forever.”
*
*
*
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SEARS CATALOGUE
Two Saskatchewan farmers were looking at a Sears catalog and admiring the models.
One says to the other, ‘Have you seen the beautiful girls in this catalog?
The second one replies, ‘Yes, they are very beautiful. And look at the price!’
The first one says, with wide eyes, ‘Wow, they aren’t very expensive. At this price, I’m buying one.’
The second farmer smiles and pats him on the back. ‘Good idea! Order one and if she’s as beautiful as she is in the catalog, I will get one too.’
Three weeks later, the youngest farmer asks his friend, ‘Did you ever receive the girl you ordered from the Sears catalog?’
The second farmer replies ‘No, but it shouldn’t be long now. I got her clothes yesterday!
*
*
*
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PERFECT ADVICE
A patient complains to a famous psychologist: “Professor, I’ve been having terrible obsessions for years, and no one has ever been able to help me.”
“Who’s been treating you until now?”
“Dr Rathor.”
“I see. He’s an idiot. I’m curious to know what he advised you to do.”
“To come and see you.”
*
*
*
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THREE-LETTER AGENCIES
Almost 150 yrs ago, President Lincoln found it necessary to hire a private investigator – Mr. Alan Pinkerton.
The function that Pinkerton established actually was the beginning of the Secret Service.
Since that time federal police authority has grown to a large number of three-letter agencies – FBI, CIA, INS, IRS, DEA.
Now comes a proposal for another agency: The “Airport Security Service.”
Can’t you see it now, the new service in their black outfits with their initials in large white letters across their backs?
*
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*
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YOU KNOW YOU’RE FROM BRITISH COLUMBIA WHEN …
1. You know the provincial flower (Mildew)
2. You feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
3. Use the statement “sunny break” and know what it means.
4. You know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
5. You know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
6. You feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
7. You stand on a deserted corner in the rain waiting for the “Walk” signal.
8. You consider that if it has no snow, it is not a real mountain.
9. You can taste the difference between Starbucks, Blendz, and Tim Horton’s.
10. You know the difference between Chinook, Coho, and Sockeye salmon.
11. You know how to pronounce Squamish, Osoyoos & Nanaimo.
12. You consider swimming an indoor sport.
13. You can tell the difference between Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese, Korean and Thai food.
14. In winter, you go to work in the dark and come home in the dark -while only working eight-hour days.
15. You never go camping without waterproof matches and a poncho.
16. You are not fazed by “Today’s forecast: showers followed by rain,” and
Tomorrow’s forecast: rain followed by showers.”
17. You cannot wait for a day with “showers and sunny breaks”.
18. You have no concept of humidity without precipitation.
19. You know that Dawson Creek is a town, not a TV show.
20. You can point to at least two ski mountains, even if you cannot see through the cloud cover.
21. You notice “the mountain is out” when it is a pretty day and you can actually see it.
22. You put on your shorts when the temperature gets above 5, but still wear your hiking boots and parka.
23. You switch to your sandals when it gets about 10, but keep the socks on.
24. You have actually used your mountain bike on a mountain.
25. You think people who use umbrellas are either wimps or tourists.
26. You recognize the background shots in your favourite movies & TV shows.
27. You buy new sunglasses every year, because you can’t find the old ones after such a long time.
28. You measure distance in hours.
29. You often switch from “heat” to “a/c” in your car in the same day.
30. You use a down comforter in the summer.
31. You carry jumper cables in your car and your wife knows how to use them.
32. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit under a raincoat.
33. You know all the important seasons: Almost Winter, Winter, Still Raining (Spring), Road Construction (Summer) & Raining Again (Fall).
34. You actually understand these jokes!
*
*
RODNEY DANGERFIELD ONE-LINERS – 7
• General Humor
People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils – Texaco, Mobil, Exxon…
• Childhood
Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor, I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
• Age
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
• General Humor
Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
• Funny Incidents
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
• Life
I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said “On your mark… ”
• General Humor
Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
• Childhood
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
• Doctors
I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.
• Sex
I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
• Age
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can’t.
*
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*
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UKRAINIAN SAUSAGE
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘racism’ these days…..
Soooo….., the customer asked the store clerk, “In what aisle could I find the Ukrainian sausage?”
The clerk looks at him and says, “Are you Ukrainian?”
The guy (clearly offended) says, “Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? If I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish?”
The clerk says, “Well, no, I probably wouldn’t!”
With deep self-righteous indignation, the guy says, “Well then, why did you ask me if I’m Ukrainian because I asked for Ukrainian sausage?”
The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Depot.”
*
*
*
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MARRIAGE LIKE A DECK OF CARDS
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning all you need is two hearts and a diamond.
After thirty years, you wish you had a club and a spade………..
*
*
*
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SECRET CODE
After a President has been in office for 1 year it is customary for the last President to send a note to the new president. So when the note came from Bush to Obama, the President was somewhat troubled because it was written in code and all it said was:
370H-SSV-0773H
This troubled him as he had always heard from his peers how former president Bush was perceived to have been scholarly challenged. So he took the note to his wife She was unable to decipher it.
They called in the VP, and he was unable to decode the message. They called in the chief of staff and the head of Secret Service detail and they were unable to determine the meaning of the note.
Next he called in the head of the Senate and Speaker of the House.. They both were mystified by the meaning of the coded message.
Now there was complete panic in the Oval Office. They called all of their contacts in the media and sent copies of the note to all of them, and not one was able to come up with an answer. A special emergency meeting was called by the staff. All branches of the military, counter intelligence, CIA, FBI were called in, and the best minds were unable crack the code.
After a sleepless night, a now humbled President Obama picked up the phone and called the former president, and asked him the meaning of the note.
George Bush chuckled and replied—” you’re holding it upside down”!
*
*
*
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FUNNY QUOTES ABOUT BOYS
• Bart Simpson
Inside every hardened criminal beats the heart of a ten-year-old boy.
• Joseph Heller
When I grow up I want to be a little boy.
• James Matthew Barrie
What is genius? It is the power to be a boy again at will.
• Napoleon Bonaparte
No one knows how it is that with one glance a boy can break through into a girl’s heart.
• Plato
Of all the animals, the boy is the most unmanageable.
• James Thurber
Boys are beyond the range of anybody’s sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
• Mark Twain
There comes a time in every rightly constructed boy’s life that he has a raging desire to go somewhere and dig for hidden treasure.
• Eric Berne
The moment a little boy is concerned with which is a jay and which is a sparrow, he can no longer see the birds or hear them sing.
• Mark Twain
George Washington, as a boy, was ignorant of the commonest accomplishments of youth. He could not even lie.
• Robert Frost
A mother takes twenty years to make a man of her boy, and another woman makes a fool of him in twenty minutes.
• Ralph Waldo Emerson
Give a boy address and accomplishments and you give him the mastery of palaces and fortunes where he goes.
• Mickey Rooney
I was a thirteen-year-old boy for thirty years.
*
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*
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THEY SAID IT
Give a man a fish, and you’ll feed him for a day. Give him religion and he’ll starve to death while praying for a fish.
– Timothy Jones
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’ We closed our eyes. When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.
– Desmond Tutu
America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked.
– David Letterman
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ’em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years.
– Betsy Salkind
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats.
– Jean Kerr
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage.
– Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t.
– Jeff Foxworthy
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself.
– Harrison Ford
The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree.
– Spike Milligan
If life were fair Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead.
– Johnny Carson
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very sceptical.
– Arthur C Clarke
Home cooking. Where many a man thinks his wife is.
– Jimmy Durante
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.
– John Glenn
America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric.
– Doug Hamwell
The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone.
– George Roberts
If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport.
– Jonathan Winters
*
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PHILLIS DILLER QUOTES
The reason the golf pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can’t see him laughing.
You know you’re old if they have discontinued your blood type.
You know you’re old if your walker has an airbag.
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
*
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THIS IS HEAVEN
Mike and Yvonne were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they carefully watched their pennies.
Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to Yvonne’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.
They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet. They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’
Mike asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’
Mike looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.
‘What are the greens fees?’ grumbled Mike.
‘This is heaven,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch. ‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to Mike. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’
Mike looked around and nervously asked Yvonne ‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?’
‘That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can eat and drink as much as you like and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’
‘No gym to work out at?’ said Mike
‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.
‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’
‘Never again’
Mike glared at Yvonne and said, ‘You and your F–cking Bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!’
*
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*
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$0.00
In January 2000, a man received a bill for his, as yet unused credit card, stating that he owed $0.00. He ignored it and threw it away.
In February, he received another and threw that one away, too.
The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty note stating that they were going to cancel his card if he didn’t send them $0.00. He called them and was told that it was a computer error, and that they would take care of it.
The following month he decided that it was about time that he tried out the troublesome credit card, figuring that if there were purchases on his account it would put an end to his ridiculous predicament. However, in the first store when he produced his credit card in payment for his purchases, he found that his card had been cancelled. He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer error once again, and was told that they would take care of it.
The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue. Assuming that having spoken to the credit card company only the previous day, the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.
The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt. Finally giving in, he thought he would beat the company at their own game by mailing them a check for $0.00.
The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement to the effect that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all. A week later, the man’s bank called him asking him what he was doing writing a check for $0.00. After a lengthy explanation, the bank replied that the $0.00 check had caused their check processing software to fail. The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.
The following month the man received a letter from the credit card company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00, and unless he sent a check they would be taking steps to recover the debt.
The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for her birthday, bought her a typewriter instead.
*
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SCHOOL CHILDREN AND THE CHURCH
After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced
to his mother, “Mom, I’ve decided to become a minister when I grow up.”
“That’s okay with us, but what made you decide that?”
“Well,” said the little boy, “I have to go to church on Sunday anyway, and I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen.”
?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?
A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord’s Prayer at a church service, “And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us.”
?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?
A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
“How do you know what to say?” he asked.
“Why, God tells me.”
“Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?”
?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?
A little girl became restless as the preacher’s sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered, “Mommy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?”
?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’! °º?o?º
Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favorite
Bible stories. She was puzzled by Kyle’s picture, which showed four people
on an airplane, so she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
“The Flight to Egypt ,” was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said, “That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus. But who’s the fourth person?”
“Oh, that’s Pontius – the pilot!”
º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º
The Sunday School Teacher asks, “Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say
prayers before eating?”
“No sir,” little Johnny replies, I don’t have to. My mom is a good cook.”
?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?º°’°º?o,,,,o?º°’°º?o?
A little girl was sitting on her grandfather’s lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek. She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, “Grandpa, did God make you?”
“Yes, sweetheart,” he answered, “God made me a long time ago.”
“Oh,” she paused, “Grandpa, did God make me too?”
“Yes, indeed, honey,” he said, “God made you just a little while ago.”
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed, “God’s getting better
at it, isn’t he?”
*
*
*
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COCAINE JOKES – 3
Q: What film is getting its lead actress Lindsay Lohan a lot of Oscar buzz?
A: Coke Whore!
Q: What can tourists do on a $65 tour of gang turf in Los Angeles?
A: Purchase a postcard, t-shirt, and some crack cocaine!
Q: What happened after the government released a survey finding that most US currency is laced with cocaine?
A: The street value of a dollar bill jumped to $1.14!
Q: How do you know that a Mexican drug cartel has purchased your favorite cereal companies?
A1: Sonny, the Cuckoo bird for Cocoa Puffs was arrested for carrying a kg of cocaine!
A2: The Trix rabbit was found dead after an apparent ecstasy overdose!
A3: They use Tony the Tiger to promote an adult cocaine infused version of “Frosted Flakes”
A4: They change the slogan for Rice Krispies to “Snack on crack and pot…Rice Krispies!”
*
*
*
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THE BLIND DATE
“How was your blind date?”
“Terrible! He showed up in a 1932 Rolls-Royce.”
“What’s so terrible about that?”
“He was the original owner!”
*
*
*
*
COFFEE
A Native Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure. Coming right up.”
He gets the Native Indian a tall mug of coffee……
The Native Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Native Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.
He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”
The waiter says “Whoa! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”
The Native Indian smiles and proudly says, “Training for position in Canadian Senate: Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave shit for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
*
*
*
*
FUNNY SAYINGS
Fred Allen
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
Groucho Marx
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
H. L. Mencken
Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
Charles Schulz
Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.
Tom Waits
The large print giveth, but the small print taketh away.
George Ade
Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry.
Oscar Wilde
I can stand brute force, but brute reason is quite unbearable. There is something unfair about its use. It is hitting below the intellect.
Janeane Garofalo
I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.
Mae West
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
Benny Hill
Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
George Bernard Shaw
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
H. L. Mencken
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
Oscar Wilde
It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.
Steven Wright
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
*
*
*
*
MOLSON CANADIAN ‘RANT’ PARODY
I AM BRITISH COLUMBIAN!
My name is Nick,
On a map my province is on the left and unfortunately so is my government.
I not a hippy, or a tree hugger, but I’m proud to recycle.
I wasn’t born here, but I am here now and it’s better than where I was before, even though I will go back home for Christmas.
I wasn’t an extra on the X-Files, but my roommate was.
I use an umbrella in the winter, not a snow shovel.
There are no gas stations in gas town.
And it’s “lotus land” not lalatis land,
BC is the farthest away from Toronto,
The Home of Terry Fox, and the best part of Canada!
My name is Nick AND I AM A BRITISH COLUMBIAN!!!
*
*
*
*
SERIOUS PATIENT
A well-respected surgeon was relaxing on his sofa one evening just after arriving home from work. As he was tuning into the evening news, the phone rang. The doctor calmly answered it, and heard the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line.
“We need a fourth for poker,” said the friend.
“I’ll be right over,” whispered the doctor.
As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious?”
“Oh yes, quite serious,” said the doctor gravely. “In fact, three doctors are there already!
*
*
*
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A CARDIOLOGISTS FUNERAL
A very prestigious cardiologist died, and was given a very elaborate funeral
by the hospital he worked for most of his life…
A huge heart… covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside. The
heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter. When all eyes
stared at him, he said, ‘I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own
funeral… I’m a gynecologist.
*
*
*
*
PFIZER ANNOUNCEMENT
Pfizer Corp. Announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer.
It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.
Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of ‘cocktails’, ‘highballs’ and just a good old-fashioned ‘stiff drink’.
Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.
Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.
This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
*
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LITTLE JOHNNY PEE
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asked her students the following question:
‘Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?’
Michael said: ‘Just a minute I have to go pee.’
The teacher responded by saying: ‘That would be rude and impolite.
What about you Sherman, how would you say it?’
Sherman said: ‘I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I’ll be right back.’
‘That’s better, but it’s still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your good manners?’
Johnny said ‘I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduce you to after dinner.’
*
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COSMIC LAWS
1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee…
2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place.
3. Law of Probability – The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal – and someone always answers.
6. Variation Law – If you impatiently change lines, when standing, or traffic lanes, while driving, the one you were in will always move faster than the one you moved to….(works every time)
7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
8. Law of Close Encounters – The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.
9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, IT WILL!!!
10. Law of Bio-Mechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
11. Law of the Movie Theatre or Football game – The people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the restroom and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
14 Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated with the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible IF you don’t know what you are talking about.
16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.
17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!!!
18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like—they will stop making it.
19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better.. But, if you don’t make an appointment, you’ll stay sick.
For 170 pages of cynical observations click on The Complete Edition of Murphy’s Laws
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A SHORT GEM
I was standing in a bar yesterday and this little Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me and starts drinking a beer.
I said to him, “Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate or Ju-Jitsu?”
He says “No, why the fr**k you ask me dat? Is it coz I Chinese?”
“No,” I say, “It’s because you’re drinking my beer, you little jerk.”
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APPLE DOES IT AGAIN
Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women’s breast implants.
The iTit will cost between $499.00 and $699.00 depending on speaker size.
This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their tits and not listening to them.
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CHARLES M. SCHULZ QUOTES
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
Life is like an ice-cream cone, you have to lick it one day at a time.
Decorate your home. It gives the illusion that your life is more interesting than it really is.
Try not to have a good time… this is supposed to be educational.
No problem is too big to run away from.
There’s a difference between a philosophy and a bumper sticker.
Life is like a ten speed bicycle. Most of us have gears we never use.
I love mankind; it’s people I can’t stand.
I have a new philosophy. I’m only going to dread one day at a time.
Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, ‘Where have I gone wrong?’ Then a voice says to me, ‘This is going to take more than one night.’
Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life.
That’s the secret to life… replace one worry with another.
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MOLSON CANADIAN ‘RANT’ PARODY
I AM QUÉBECIOS!
I’m not unemployed, or smuggling cigarettes across the border
I don’t eat Pepsi and Mae West for breakfast
I don’t watch the hockey game while doing it doggy style.
And no, I don’t know Claude, Manon or Francois in Abitibi-Temiscamingue, but I’m sure they have nice teeth
I smoke in church
I speak Quebecois and Jouale, not French or English
I pronounce it ‘turd’ not ‘third’
And eating french fries with cheese makes sense, mon oesti!
I believe in distinct society as long as someone else pays for it
I believe in language police not equal rights
And, I believe that Club Supersexe is an appropriate place for my wife and me to celebrate our anniversaire,
What the hell, she goes on at ten anyway!
In Quebec, the Stanley Cup actually comes around more often than Halley’s Comet
I can get beer at the Dépanneur, not the convenience store!
And maybe I can’t turn right on a red light, but tabarnacle! I can go right through it!
Because Quebec is the world’s largest producer of maple syrup,
the home of Celine Dion AND Roch Voisine
The land where everybody is shacking up
And the drinking age is just a suggestion!
Je m’appelle Gui
And I am NOT Canadian!
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ACCOUNTANT JOKES
What’s the most wicked thing a group of young accountants can do?
Go into town and gang-audit someone.
What does an accountant say when you ask him the time?
It’s 9.18 am and 12 seconds; no wait – 13 seconds, no wait – 14 seconds, no wait……
Why was the accountant so excited that he completed a jigsaw puzzle in only 59 weeks?
Because on the box it said 8-12 Years.
Why did the accountant stare at his glass of orange juice for three hours?
Because on the box it said Concentrate.
When does a person decide to become an accountant?
When he realises he doesn’t have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.
What’s an actuary?
An accountant without the sense of humour.
Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?
They find bookkeeping too exciting.
What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?
Invite an accountant.
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HALLOWEEN QUOTES
Rita Rudner
Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, “Never take candy from strangers.” And then they dressed me up and said, “Go beg for it.” I didn’t know what to do! I’d knock on people’s doors and go, “Trick or treat.” “No thank you.”
Fernando Pessoa
Look, there’s no metaphysics on earth like chocolates.
Jean Baudrillard
There is nothing funny about Halloween. This sarcastic festival reflects, rather, an infernal demand for revenge by children on the adult world.
Rodney Dangerfield
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
Richard Harris Barham
Ghosts, like ladies, never speak till spoke to.
Miguel de Cervantes
Fear has many eyes and can see things underground.
Anonymous
I’ll bet living in a nudist colony takes all the fun out of Halloween.
Scottish Saying
From ghoulies and ghosties and long leggety beasties and things that go bump in the night, Good Lord, deliver us!
Steve Almond
Nothing on Earth so beautiful as the final haul on Halloween night.
Dee Snider
Halloween is huge in my house and we really get into the “spirits” of things.
Conan O’Brien
This Halloween the most popular mask is the Arnold Schwarzenegger mask. And the best part? With a mouth full of candy you will sound just like him.
George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Henry David Thoreau
I would rather sit on a pumpkin and have it all to myself than be crowded on a velvet cushion.
Mark Twain
Everyone is a moon and has a dark side, which he never shows to anybody.
Drew Carey
I see my face in the mirror and go, ‘I’m a Halloween costume? That’s what they think of me?
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GEORGE CARLIN QUOTES
As a matter of principle, I never attend the first annual anything.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
I’m always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I’m listening to it.
I’m desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
Not only do I not know what’s going on, I wouldn’t know what to do about it if I did.
Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It’s just stale bread to begin with.
They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
I am” is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that “I do” is the longest sentence?
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VERY LOGICAL
An old man was asked, “At your ripe age, what you prefer to get – Parkinson’s or Alzheimer’s?”
The wise one answered, “Definitely Parkinson’s. Better to spill half an ounce of Navy rum, than to forget where you keep the bottle!!”
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THE PARABLE OF TAGANGA
One day, an American investment adviser visited the small fishing village of Taganga, Colombia, in the country’s Magdalena department. As he walked along the pier, a Colombian fisherman, just in from the catch, was tying his small boat to the dock.
Inside was a basket filled with four glistening tilapia.
The American, impressed with the quality of the catch, tipped his hat to the Colombian and asked, “How long does it take to catch each of those?”
The Colombian answered, “Not too long.”
The American then asked why he stopped at four fish. “It’s early afternoon… why not keep fishing?”
The Colombian replied the four fish were enough for his family’s needs.
“So,” the American then asked, “what do you do the rest of the day?”
The villager answered, “I sleep in, then come here to fish. After, I play futbol with my children and have a siesta with mi esposa, Lucia. Then I walk north to the Playa Grande, where I recline, sip aguardiente and sing with mis amigos. I live a rewarding life.”
The American laughed, “I’m an MBA… and a financial adviser. You should fish for longer, then buy a bigger boat with the proceeds. Then, with the proceeds you make from the bigger boat, you could buy a few more boats. After a while, you’ll have your own fleet.
“After that, you could cut out the middleman and sell straight to the distributor. Soon after, you could start your own company and own the product, processing and distribution.
“We can start soon. I’d say you’d have to leave Taganga and move to Bogota. Then we could move you to North America… where we’d make our way to New York City. That’s where you’ll run your tilapia empire.”
Amazed, the Colombian asked, “But… how many years will this take?”
To which the man replied, “A decade or two.”
“And what happens after that?” pressed the Colombian.
The American started rubbing his hands together. “That’s the best part. You would announce an initial public offering… and from that you’d become filthy rich.”
“Filthy rich… ” thought the Colombian out loud. “And then what would I do?”
Well, the American said, “I guess you’d retire. You could move to a quaint fishing village on the coast. You could sleep late… play futbol with your kids, take naps with your wife and spend your nights relaxing on the beach, drinking and singing with friends.”
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TWO OLD LAWYERS
Two old lawyers had been stranded on a desert island 30 years.
The only thing on the island was a tall coconut tree that provided them their only food. Each day one of the old lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming.
One day the lawyer yelled down from the tree, “WOW, I just can’t believe my eyes. There is a woman out there floating in our direction.”
The old lawyer on the ground was most skeptical and said, “You’re hallucinating, you’ve finally lost your mind.”
But within a few minutes, up to the beach floated a stunningly beautiful woman, face up, totally naked, unconscious, without even so much as a ring or earrings on her person.
The two old lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, “You know, we’ve been on this God forsaken island for years now without a woman. It’s been such a long, long time… So … Do you think we should… well… You know… Screw her?”
“Out of WHAT?!?” asked the other old lawyer.
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OLD AGE PAIN
An old man went to the doctor complaining of a terrible pain in his leg.
“I am afraid it’s just old age,” replied the doctor, “there is nothing we can do about it.”
“That can’t be,” fumed the old man, “you don’t know what you’re doing.”
“How can you possibly know I’m wrong?” countered the doctor.
“Well, it’s quite obvious,” the old man replied. “My other leg is fine, and it’s the exact same age!”
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THE CUSTOMS OF AN IRISHMAN
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
The Irishman replies, “Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.”
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: ordering three pints and drinking them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. “Oh, no,” he says, “Everyone’s fine. I’ve just quit drinking.”
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HAPPY ANNIVERSARY
Al and Susie are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary and Al says to Susie, “So, Susie, I was wondering… Have you ever cheated on me?”
Susie replies, “Oh Al, why would you ask such a question now? You don’t want to ask that question…”
“Yes, Susie, I really want to know. Please…”
“Well, all right, 3 times…”
“3, hmmm, well when were they?”
“Well, Al, remember when you were 35 years old and you really wanted to start the business on your own and no bank would give you a loan… Remember, then one day the bank president himself came over the house and signed the loan papers, no questions asked… Well…”
“Oh, Susie, you did that for me! I respect you even more than ever, to do such a thing for me…. So when was number 2?”
“Well, Al, remember when you had that last heart attack and you were needing that very tricky operation, and no surgeon wanted to touch you… Then remember how Dr. DeBakey came all the way up here to do the surgery himself and then you were in good shape again… Well….”
“Oh my god!! Susie, you should do such a thing for me, to save my life… I couldn’t have a more wonderful wife… To do such a thing, you must really love me darling… I couldn’t be more moved… So, all right then, when was number 3?”
“Well, Al, remember two years ago when you wanted to become president of the Golf Club and you were short 23 votes?”
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MARIJUANA JOKES – 2
Q: What do you call it when a roach ash burns your shirt?
A: A pot hole!
Q: What is Reality?
A: An illusion caused by a lack of good weed.
A stoner called the fire department and said, “Come quick my house is on fire!”
The Fireman asked “How do we get there?”
The stoner says “DUH, in a big red truck!”
Q: How many potheads does it take to change a lightbulb.
A: Screw it, we got lighters
Q. How long does it take before a pound of weed goes bad?
A. I don’t know! I’ve never had it longer than an hour!
Q: How do you hide pot from a hippie?
A: Put it in his work boots.
Q: What do you called a doped-up Pikachu?
A: Tokemon!
Q: What is the difference between politicians and stoners ?
A: Politicians don’t inhale…they just suck.
Q. What do you call a stoner that just broke up with his girlfriend?
A. Homeless.
Q. What’s the difference between a stoner and a tweeker?
A. When a pothead is driving down a road he is driving about 20 mph and eating the upholstery. When a tweeker is driving down a road he is driving about 200 mph, and talking to the upholstery.
Q. If there are two potheads in the back of a car, then who is driving?
A. The cops!
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RELIGIOUS SHIT
Taoism – Shit happens.
Buddhism – If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
Islam – If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism – Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism – Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism – This shit happened before.
Catholicism – Shit happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna – Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism – Send more shit.
Atheism – No shit.
Jehova’s Witness – Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism – There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science – Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism – Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Rastafarianism – Let’s smoke this shit.
Existentialism – What is shit anyway?
Stoicism – This shit doesn’t bother me.
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GOD’S DEAD DOG
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
“You know,” Mom said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”
Susie stopped crying and asked, “What would God want with a dead dog?”
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BLONDE MEETS BLONDE
A blonde was speeding in a 35 mile per hour zone when a local police officer pulled her over and walked up to the car. The officer also happened to be a blonde and she asked for the blonde’s driver’s license.
The driver searched frantically in her purse for a while and finally said to the blonde policewoman, “What does a driver’s license look like?”
Irritated, the blonde cop said, “You dummy, it’s got your picture on it!”
The blonde driver frantically searched her purse again and found a small, rectangular mirror down at the bottom. She held it up to her face and said, “Aha! This must be my driver’s license” and handed it to the blonde policewoman.
The blonde cop looked in the mirror, handed it back to the driver and said, “You’re free to go. And, if I had known you were a police officer too, we could have avoided all of this.
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ACCOUNTANT JOKES – 2
How do you know when an accountant is on holiday?
He doesn’t wear a tie and comes in after 8am!
Why did God invent economists?
So accountants could have someone to laugh at.
What does an accountant use for birth control?
His personality.
What’s the difference between an accountant and a lawyer?
The accountant knows he is boring.
What’s an extroverted accountant?
One who looks at your shoes while he’s talking to you instead of his own.
What do you call an accountant who is seen talking to someone?
Popular
How do you drive an accountant completely insane?
Tie him to a chair, stand in front of him and fold up a road map the wrong way.
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THE END IS NEAR!!!
Two old geezers were fishing on the side of the road. They thoughtfully made a sign saying, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!” and showed it to each passing car.
One driver who drove by didn’t appreciate the sign and shouted at them, “Leave us alone, you crazy old fools!”
All of a sudden they heard a big splash, looked at each other, and one of them said to the other, “You think maybe we should have just said ‘Bridge Out’ instead?”
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FUNNY SPORTS QUOTES
Darrin Weinberg
Remember, it doesn’t matter whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.
Bill Shankly
Some people think football is a matter of life and death…I can assure them it is much more serious than that.
Emo Philips
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
George Orwell
Serious sport is war minus the shooting.
Charlie Lau
There are two theories on hitting the knuckleball. Unfortunately, neither of them works.
Greg LeMond
You don’t suffer, kill yourself and take the risks I take just for money. I love bike racing.
Bill Veeck
Baseball is almost the only orderly thing in a very un-orderly world. If you get three strikes, even the best lawyer in the world can’t get you off.
Roger Kahn
Football is violence and cold weather and sex and college rye.
Barry Switzer
Some people are born on third base and go through life thinking they hit a triple.
Sam Snead
If a lot of people gripped a knife and fork the way they do a golf club, they’d starve to death.
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GOOD NEWS BAD NEWS
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display at that time.
“I have good news and bad news,” the owner replied.
“The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all 15 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The guy was your doctor.”
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COINCIDENCE?
A Jewish businessman in Chicago sent his son to Israel for a year to absorb the culture.
When the son returned, he said, “Papa, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity.”
“Oy vey,” said the father, “What have I done!”
He took his problem to his best friend. “Ike,” he said, “I sent my son to Israel, and he came home a Christian. What can I do?”
“Funny you should ask,” said Ike. “I, too, sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the Rabbi.”
They explained their problem to the Rabbi. “Funny you should ask,” said the rabbi. “I, too sent my son to Israel, and he also came home a Christian. What is happening to our young people?”
They prayed, telling the Lord about their sons. As they finished their prayer, a voice came from the heavens: “Funny you should ask,” said the voice, “I, too, sent my son to Israel…”
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A NUN AT THE LOCAL BAR
John was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about himself, when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink.
“You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!”
Now John gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
“How do you know this, Sister?”
“My Mother Superior told me so.”
“But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?”
“Don’t be ridiculous–of course I have never taken alcohol myself”
“Then let me buy you a drink – if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life”
“How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!”
“I’ll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will ever know.”
The Nun reluctantly agrees, so John goes inside to the bar.
“Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks”, then he lowers his voice and says to the barman “and could you put the vodka in a teacup?”
“Oh no! It’s not that Nun again is it?”
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GARDEN OF EDEN
Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked Adam, “What is wrong with you?”
Adam said he didn’t have anyone to talk to. God said he was going to give him a companion and she would be called “woman.”
God said, “This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear your children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them. She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you’ve had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give love and compassion whenever needed.”
Adam asked God, “What will this woman cost?”
God said, “An arm and a leg.”
Adam said, “What can I get for just a rib?”
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MOLSON CANADIAN ‘RANT’ PARODY
I IS A NEWFIE!
Eh Dare,
I am not a roofer or, a fisherman, and I am not collecting Pogey.
I don’t live in a rented house with 4 udder newfie friends.
I don’t eat Moose meat every day and I don’t drive a Ski-doo.
And I don’t know Barry, Jimmy or Glenn from Grand Falls although I am certain they are good folk.
I drink Screech or Beer- or anything with a percent of alcohol.
I believe in open bars everywhere, and I pronounce it “turbitt”, not “turbo”.
I can proudly fly my province’s flag in the back window of my pickup.
A toque is a hat. Fried bologna is a meal.
And the COD is a proud and noble FISH!
And it is pronounced TREE, not THREE….TREE!
Newfoundland is the last member of confederation, the 1st province of fishing, and the best part of the Atlantic ocean!
My name is Bob!
And I is a Newfie!
Bye!
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FOOD FOR THOUGHT
If you can get arrested for hunting or fishing without a license, but not for being in the country illegally … you might live in a country run by idiots.
If you have to get your parents’ permission to go on a field trip or take an aspirin in school, but not to get an abortion … You might live in a country run by idiots.
If you have to show identification to board an airplane, cash a check, buy liquor or check out a library book, but not to vote … You might live in a country run by idiots.
If the government wants to ban stable, law-abiding citizens from owning gun magazines with more than ten rounds, but gives 20 F-16 fighter jets to the crazy leaders in Egypt … You might live in a country run by idiots.
If, in the largest city, you can buy two 16-ounce sodas, but not a 24-ounce soda because 24-ounces of a sugary drink might make you fat … You might live in a country run by idiots.
If an 80-year-old woman can be stripped searched by the TSA but a woman in a hijab is only subject to having her neck and head searched … You might live in a country run by idiots
If your government believes that the best way to eradicate trillions of dollars of debt is to spend trillions more … You might live in a country run by idiots.
If a seven year old boy can be thrown out of school for saying his teacher’s “cute,” but hosting a sexual exploration or diversity class in grade school is perfectly acceptable … You might live in a country run by idiots.
If hard work and success are met with higher taxes and more government intrusion, while not working is rewarded with EBT cards, WIC checks, Medicaid, subsidized housing and free cell phones … You might live in a country run by idiots.
If the government’s plan for getting people back to work is to incentivize NOT working with 99 weeks of unemployment checks and no requirement to prove they applied but can’t find work … You might live in a country run by idiots.
If being stripped of the ability to defend yourself makes you more “safe” according to the government … You might live in a country run by idiots.
Wait … that’s not funny. That’s America!
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CHRISTMAS COP
On Christmas morning, a cop on horseback sits at a traffic light next to a kid on a shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, “Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
The kid says, “Yeah.”
The cop says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike.”
The cop then issues the kid a $20 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and says, “By the way, that’s a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?”
Humoring the kid, the cop says, “Yeah, he sure did.”
The kid says, “Well, next year tell Santa to put the prick underneath the horse, instead of on top.”
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EXECUTIVE DECISION
A hard-working female executive dies and meets St. Peter at the pearly gates and he says, “You’ve shown an outstanding aptitude for making business decisions. Choose whether you will go to heaven or to hell.”
“I don’t know!” she flounders.
“Tell you what,” St. Peter says, “You can have 24 hours in heaven and 24 hours in hell. Then you have to decide where to spend eternity.”
“Okay then,” she says. “I’ll start with heaven since I’m here already.”
She goes in the pearly gates and makes some acquaintances. They have a nice walk among beautiful gardens. They have a nice quiet lunch. They have a nice stroll along a pristine, white, sandy beach looking out on brilliant blue ocean. At the end of the day she is shown to a nice room, and has a quiet meal on the balcony, looking out over the setting sun and the ocean. She marvels at the scenic beauty of heaven.
The next morning, St. Peter takes her to the fiery gates of hell and hands her off to Satan.
Satan takes her to a power breakfast given in her honor. Then she is escorted to a tennis club where she is greeted by her old boss, some co-workers, and previous business acquaintances. She plays a few sets of tennis and catches up on the gossip. At lunchtime her old boss takes her to a gourmet restaurant and she has an excellent meal with vintage wine.
After lunch he takes her to an exclusive golf course and they play 18 holes of golf. She runs into other business acquaintances and catches up on news and gossip.
After golf, he drops her at a spa where she is pampered and spoiled by beauty and body treatments. When she is finished at the spa, an acquaintance takes her shopping at designer stores. She picks out a fabulous evening gown, and Satan himself takes her to a huge party with drinking, dancing, gourmet food, and famous people.
At the end of the evening, a stretch limo drops her off at a five-star hotel. As she soaks in the Jacuzzi tub, and sips the complimentary champagne, she ponders eternity.
The next morning, she meets St. Peter at the pearly gates.
“Well, have you made your decision?” He asks.
“I’ve decided on hell,” she announces.
“So be it.” St Peter waves goodbye and she reappears before the fiery gates of hell.
Once inside she is teamed up with her old boss again, only this time everyone is wearing rags. They are filthy, diseased, malnourished, and living in a barren desert. They have to scrounge for food, water, clothing, even shade.
“What happened!?!” She exclaimed.
“Well,” said her boss, “Yesterday you were a recruit. Today you are staff.”
*
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RAINY NIGHT
A drunk stumbles out of a bar and he makes his way into the cemetery behind the tavern. He walks right to the edge of a freshly dug grave, loses his balance and falls in.
There’s a puddle of water in the hole, and he spends the rest of the night yelling, “Help me, I’m cold! Someone help me, I’m cold!”
At closing time, another drunk walks behind the bar and hears the noise.
He gets to the open grave, looks down and says, “Of course you’re cold, you idiot, you kicked all the dirt off yourself!”
*
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STAR TREK
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met the U.S. President. They shook hands, and as they walked the Iranian said, “You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America.”
The President said, “Well, anything I can do to help you, I will”.
The Iranian whispered “My son watches this show ‘Star Trek’ and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese, but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why there aren’t any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Syrians or Pakistanis on Star Trek.”
The President laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador, and whispered back, “That’s because it takes place in the future”.
*
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LITTLE GUY
Once upon a time, a guy was sitting at a bar. He was throwing money around, giving the barman hundred dollar tips and buying drinks for everyone. He was surrounded by a crowd of adoring women.
The barman liked the tips, but he was kind of curious about a little man that would jump from the rich guy’s pocket. The little man would run up and down the bar, kicking over the bowls of peanuts and giving people the finger. Then the little guy would jump back into the man’s jacket for a while.
The barman went over and asked the guy what was up.
So the rich guy says, “Well, let me tell you a little story. I was walking along a beach one day, and I come across this lamp. I rub it, and a genie popped out.
“I got three wishes, so my first wish was to be fabulously wealthy.
“Then I wished for a harem. You can see I got both.”
The barman asks, “So what about that little guy in your jacket?”
“Oh, that,” mumbles the rich guy. “That’s the twelve-inch prick I wished for.”
*
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PROSTATE EXAM
An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, “I’m going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say, ’99’.
The old guy obeys and says, “99”.
The doctor says, “Great”, now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say, ’99”.
Again, the old guy says, ’99’.”
The doctor said, “Very good”.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I’m going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other hand I’m going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, ’99’.
The old guy begins,
“One….
two…
three…”
*
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THE OVER 40 CROWD
When I was a kid, adults used to bore me to tears with their tedious diatribes about how hard things were when they were growing up; what with walking twenty-five miles to school every morning… barefoot…uphill BOTH ways? yadda, yadda, yadda.
And I remember promising myself that when I grew up, there was no way in hell I was going to lay a bunch of crap like that on my kids about how hard I had it and how easy they’ve got it!
But now that I’m over the ripe old age of forty, I can’t help but look around and notice the youth of today. You’ve got it so easy! I mean, compared to my childhood, you live in a damn Utopia! And I hate to say it, but you kids today, you don’t know how good you’ve got it!
I mean, when I was a kid we didn’t have the Internet. If we wanted to know something, we had to go to the damn library and look it up ourselves, in the card catalog! Or use the encyclopedia set your parents had on the bookshelf. (Now that was hard work, do you know how little the print was in those things?)
There was no email!! We had to actually write somebody a letter – with a pen! Then you had to walk all the way across the street and put it in the mailbox, and it would take like a week to get there! Stamps were 12 cents!
Child Protective Services didn’t care if our parents beat us. As a matter of fact, the parents of all my friends also had permission to kick our ass! Nowhere was safe!
There were no MP3’s or Napsters or iTunes! If you wanted to steal music, you had to hitchhike to the record store and shoplift it yourself!
Or you had to wait around all day to tape it off the radio, and the DJ would usually talk over the beginning and @#*% it all up!
There were no CD players! We had tape decks in our car. We’d play our favorite tape and “eject” it when finished, and then the tape would come undone rendering it useless. Cause, hey, that’s how we rolled, Baby! Dig?
We didn’t have fancy crap like Call Waiting! If you were on the phone and somebody else called, they got a busy signal, that’s it!
And we didn’t have fancy Caller ID either! When the phone rang, you had no idea who it was! It could be your school, your parents, your boss, your bookie, your drug dealer, the collection agent… you just didn’t know!!! You had to pick it up and take your chances, mister!
There weren’t any freakin’ cell phones either. If you left the house, you just didn’t make a damn call or receive one. You actually had to be out of touch with your “friends”. OH MY GOD !!! Think of the horror… not being in touch with someone 24/7!!! And then there’s TEXTING.
Yeah, right. Please! You kids have no idea how annoying you are.
We didn’t have any fancy PlayStation or Xbox video games with high-resolution 3-D graphics! We had the Atari 2600! With games like ‘Space Invaders’ and ‘Asteroids’. Your screen guy was a little square! You actually had to use your imagination!!! And there were no multiple levels or screens, it was just one screen… Forever! And you could never win. The game just kept getting harder and harder and faster and faster until you died!
Just like LIFE!
You had to use a little book called a TV Guide to find out what was on! You were screwed when it came to channel surfing! You had to get off your ass and walk over to the TV to change the channel!!! NO REMOTES!!! Oh, no, what’s the world coming to?!?!
There was no Cartoon Network either! You could only get cartoons on Saturday Morning. Do you hear what I’m saying? We had to wait ALL WEEK for cartoons, you spoiled little rat-finks!
And our parents told us to stay outside and play… all day long. Oh, no, no electronics to soothe and comfort. And if you came back inside… you were doing chores!
And car seats – oh, please! Mom threw you in the back seat and you hung on. If you were luckily, you got the “safety arm” across the chest at the last moment if she had to stop suddenly, and if your head hit the dashboard, well that was your fault for calling “shot gun” in the first place!
See! That’s exactly what I’m talking about! You kids today have got it too easy. You’re spoiled rotten! You guys wouldn’t have lasted five minutes back in 1970 or anytime before!!
Regards,
The Over 40 Crowd
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ACCOUNTANT JOKES – 3
Why accountants don’t read novels?
Because the only numbers in them are page numbers.
Why do accountants make good lovers?
They’re great with figures.
If an accountant’s wife cannot sleep, what does she say?
“Darling, could you tell me about your work.”
What is the definition of “accountant”?
Someone who solves a problem you didn’t know you had in a way you don’t understand.
What do accountants do for fun?
Add the telephone book!
Why don’t old accountants never die?
They just lose their balance!
What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
Someone who has a loophole named after him.
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ATHEIST JOKES
Q: Why did the atheist throw her watch out the window?
A: She wanted to see if it was designed intelligently enough to evolve into a bird.
Q: What is so ironic about Atheists?
A: They’re always talking about God.
Q: Did you hear about the evangelical atheist?
A: She went door to door with a book full of blank pages.
Q: How does an Athesist girl have her hair done?
A: In big bangs!
Q: Why does an atheist wear red suspenders?
A: To keep his pants from being taken up to heaven during the rapture.
Q: What do you call an intelligent American?
A: Atheist.
Q: Why did the Atheist cross the road?
A: He thought there might be a street on the other side, but he wouldn’t believe it until he tested his hypothesis.
Q: How many atheists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to actually change the bulb, and the other to videotape the job so fundamentalists won’t claim that god did it.
Q: Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?
A: Because they don’t believe in higher powers.
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THE OLD RANCHER
A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher’s prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed.
The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store.
The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking.
After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn’t resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, “You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn’t have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn’t have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!”
The old rancher replied, “Well, I’ll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning.”
*
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RICH MILLIONAIRE
A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two alligators in it. ‘I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.’
So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.
In the pool is a man and he is swimming as hard as he can, and the tails come out of the water and the jaws are snapping and this guy just keeps on going and the alligators are gaining on him and this guy reaches the end and he gets out of the pool, tired and soaked.
The millionaire grabs the microphone and says, ‘I am a man of my word, anything of mine I will give, my Ferraris, my house, absolutely anything, for you are the bravest man I have ever seen. So sir what will it be?’ the millionaire asks.
The guy grabs the microphone and says, ‘Why don’t we start with the name of the bastard that pushed me in!’
*
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ECONOMY JOKES – 6
Q: Why are Women more pessimistic about the economy then Men?
A: Because men are in charge of the economy!
Q: What is Barack Obama’s new slogan in these tough times?
A: Spare Change You Can Believe In!
Q: Can Barack Obama’s economic policies create millons of new jobs?
A: Yes, but they are all for Afghani soldiers!
Q: Why is it a bad sign that our camp in Guantanamo Bay is closing?
A: The economy is so bad now that even the terrorists are losing their homes!
Now that the S&P downgraded US Debt the White House said it’s working on a ‘plan B.’ Unfortunately, the B stands for “bake sale.”
Q: How do you know that the Debt Ceiling debate is a complete mess?
A: Al Qaeda is trying to find a way to take credit for it!
Q: What are Mcdonald’s employees now asking customers?
A: Can you afford fries with that?
Q: How has the economic downturn affected eating habits?
A: The 5-second rule has turned into the 5 minute rule!
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TRUCKER’S BREAKFAST
For many who travel, often the best food is a truck stop. I wonder what the waitress would have to say if someone actually ordered their breakfast as this guy did?
A trucker came into a Truck Stop Cafe’ and placed his order. He said I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.’
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, ‘This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?’
‘No,’ the cook said. ‘Three flat tires… mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights… is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards… are 2 slices of crisp bacon!
‘Oh… OK!’ said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, ‘What are the beans for, Blondie?’
She replied, ‘I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!
*
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THE SERMON
A minister was completing a temperance sermon. With great emphasis he said, “If I had all the beer in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
With even greater emphasis he said, “And if I had all the wine in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, “And if I had all the whiskey in the world, I’d take it and pour it into the river.”
Sermon complete, he sat down.
The choir leader very cautiously stood up and announced with a smile, “For our closing song, let us sing hymn number 365, ‘Shall We Gather at the River’.”
*
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JUST CAN’T FIGURE IT OUT
These two buddies are sitting at the bar in a singles’ club and talking about another guy sitting at the other end of the bar.
“I don’t get it,” complained the first guy, “He’s not good looking, he has absolutely no taste in clothes, and he drives a beat up wreck of a car, yet he always manages to go home with the most beautiful women here!”
“Yeah,” replies his buddy, “He’s not even a very good conversationally, all he does is sit there and lick his eyebrows.”
*
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MARIJUANA JOKES – 3
Q: What do you get when you eat marijuana ?
A: A pot belly
Q: What do you call a stoner spilling his weed on the floor?
A: Drug Abuse.
Q: How do you know when you have smoked enough pot ?
A: When you start looking around for the directions on how to use the lighter.
Q: How do you know your a pothead?
A: You studied five days for a urine test?
Q: What do you call a pothead that doesn’t inhale?
A: Mr. President.
Q: How do fish party ?
A: Seaweed.
Q: Why did the pot head plant cheerios?
A: He thought they were donut seeds.
Q: What do you call a person who remembers what they did at woodstock ?
A: A Liar.
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CANADIAN REGIONAL HUMOR:
Top reasons to live in BC:
The local hero is a pot-smoking snowboarder
There’s always some sort of deforestation protest going on
If a cop pulls you over, just offer them some of your hash
Top reasons to live in Manitoba:
Amusing town names like “Flin Flon” and “Winnipeg”
Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes
Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter
You remember the dates of major blizzards 30 years ago.
Top reasons to live in Ontario:
Your provincial capital calls in the army to help clean up after a snow storm.
Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump
Ontario alone decides who will win the federal election
The only province with hard-core American-style crime
You live in the center of the universe
There’s no such thing as an Ontario Separatist
Your grandparents sold booze to the States during Prohibition
Top ten reasons to live in Quebec:
You can’t believe that a cashier in Ontario speaks French too!
Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada
The only province/territory to ever kidnap federal politicians
NON-smokers are the outcasts
You blame all your problems on the “Anglo bastards”
Your hockey team is made up entirely of French guys
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RETIREMENT STORY FROM SASKATCHEWAN
He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, “Where did you come from? How did you get here?”
She replies, “I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank.”
“Amazing,” he notes. “You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you.”
“Oh, this thing?” explains the woman. “I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree.”
“But, where did you get the tools?
“Oh, that was no problem,” replied the woman. “On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to the right temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware.”
The guy is stunned.
“Let’s row over to my place,” she says. So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf. As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house.
While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, “It’s not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please.”
“Would you like a drink?”
“No! No thank you,” the man blurts out, still dazed.
“I can’t take another drop of coconut juice.”
“It’s not coconut juice,” winks the woman. “I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?”
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk.
After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces,
“I’m going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There’s a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs.”
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom.
There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
“This woman is amazing,” he muses. “What’s next?” When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias. She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
“Tell me,” she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, “We’ve both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There’s something I’m certain you feel like doing right now, something you’ve been longing for, right?” She stares into his eyes.
He can’t believe what he’s hearing. “You mean.” he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, “You have the Roughriders on TV? “
*
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SHEEP
A newcomer to the political scene was campaigning in Amish country for the office of assemblyman.
Outside an Amish homestead, he saw a young man and his sheep.
He approached the man, ready to make his pitch for a vote. Just as he was getting started, an old man called from inside the house. “Luke, get in the house. And who is that guy you’re talking to?”
“Says he’s a politician, Pop,” Luke said.
“In that case, you’d better bring the sheep inside with you.
*
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MARIJUANA JOKES – 4
Q: What is a stoners idea of a balanced diet?
A: A joint in each hand!
Q: What do you call Harrison Ford when he smokes weed?
A: Han So-high
Q: What did the stoners girlfriend say?
A: If I can’t marry a dude, i’ll Mary Jane
Q: What do get when you soak a spliff in Vodka?
A: The Holy Spirit!
Q: What is the difference between a drunk and a stoner at a stop sign?
A: The drunk guy runs it and the stoner waits for it to turn green!
Q: What do you call a stoner when horny?
A: A weed wacker!
Q: What do you call a bunch of mexican stoners?
A: Baked Beans.
Q: How do you get a one-armed stoner out of a tree?
A: Wave.
Q: What did the frog say after lighting up?
A: Don’t Worry be Hoppy?
*
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CONTROL OVER WIFE
There were three guys talking in the pub. Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third remains quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, “well, what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?”
The third fellow says “I’ll tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.”
The first two guys were amazed. “What happened then?” They asked. She said, “get out from under the bed and fight like a man”.
*
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WATCH PICK-UP LINE
A rather confident young man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive young woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.
The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” he replies, “I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it.”
Intrigued, the woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?”
“It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me,” he explains.
“What’s it telling you now?”, she asks.
“Well, it says that you’re not wearing any panties…”.
The woman giggles & replies, “Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!”
The man exclaims, “Damn– this thing must be an hour fast!”.
*
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FOOTBALL TICKETS FOR SALE
2 season tickets for sale.
It’s almost that time of the year.
My wife doesn’t like the person who sits in the seat next to us and will not attend any more games.
I’m, the guy with the baseball hat sitting behind and looking at that person.
I have included a picture with the view from the seats.
Tickets will be sold to the highest bidder.
Current Bid: $6,500 each.
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MOLSON CANADIAN ‘RANT’ PARODY
I am Albertan
Hey, I’m not a farmer or an oil worker.
I don’t live in Red Deer or eat raw beef or own a pickup truck.
I don’t know Doug or Dwayne or Debbie from Fort McMurray, but I’m sure they’re very nice people.
I have a premier, not a Quebec dictator.
And I speak English, you got it? English. Not French.
And I’m sick of having French rammed down my throat.
I go to the lake and stay in a cabin, not a cottage.
I believe in plugging in my car during the winter because if I don’t, it won’t start.
I drive 100 km/h in the left hand lane on Highway 2 even though the sign says, “slower traffic, keep to the right.”
I’m not against Bill 11, but I’m not for Bill 11. As a matter of fact, I don’t even know what Bill 11 is all about.
I cheer for the Oilers because they play in the Leagues.
I don’t believe Toronto is the centre of the universe.
I’ve never been there and I don’t ever plan on going there.
Alberta has the second largest deposit of oil in the world. And because of that, I don’t pay taxes.
And I believe it’s the greatest province in the country.
But I’d still move to B.C. if I got a good job offer.
My name is Joe.
And I am Albertan.
Actually, I moved here from Ontario in the ’80’s.
*
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ALBERTA NEW SPECIES AFTER ABUNDANT RAIN
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I HAD IT ALL … UNTIL
A conversation between a bartender and a man:
Bartender: What happened? You look wrecked!
Man: I had it all – Money, A beautiful house, The love of a beautiful woman…..
Bartender: Then… what went wrong?
Man: Well, then my wife found out!
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Famous Quotes by George Carlin about Politics
“Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?”
“You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.”
“These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.”
“Deep Throat: Think about it. There is actually a semi-important figure in American history who is named for a blow-job movie. How do school teachers handle this?”
“I don’t think we should be governing ourselves. What need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.”
“George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.”
“The owners of this country know the truth: It’s called the American dream because you have to be asleep to believe it.”
“Think about how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of ’em are stupider than that.”
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MAMA’S BIBLE
Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers, and prospered.
Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.
The first said, “I had a big house built for Mama.”
The second said, “I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house.”
The third said, “I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her.”
The fourth said, “You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can’t read anymore because she can’t see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”
The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her Thank You notes.
She wrote: Milton, the house you built is so huge; I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway.”
“Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks.”
“Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it could hold 50 people, but all of my friends are dead; I’ve lost my hearing and I’m nearly blind. I’ll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same.”
“Dearest Bob, you were the only son to have the good sense to give a little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you.”
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YOUNG WOMAN
In a train compartment, there are 3 men and a young woman.
The four passengers join in conversation, which very soon turns to the erotic.
Then, the young woman proposes, “If each of you will give me $1.00, I will show you my legs.”
The men, charmed by this young college girl, all pull a buck out of their wallet.
And then the girl pulls up her dress a bit to show her legs.
Then she says, “If each of you gentlemen will give me $10.00, I’ll show you my thighs”.
And men being what they are, they all pull out a ten dollar bill.
The girl pulls up her dress all the way to her legs in full.
Conversation continues, and the men, a bit excited, have all taken off their coats.
Then the young girl says, “If you will give me $100, I will show you where I was operated on for appendicitis.”
All three fork over the money. The girl then turned to the window and points outside at a building they’re passing. “See there in the distance. That’s the hospital where I had it done!”
*
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HOW TO TELL IT’S COLD IN SASKATCHEWAN
*
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PUNS FOR EDUCATED MINDS
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
*
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AMMO
I’m an old bugger. Live in ALBERTA. Been here for almost a century. I been shakin’ my head for years about some luck-ass rich power-hungry bastards essentially destroyin’ my world.
Finally the day came ’round when there was a huge shortage of water, gasoline, and ammunition. Now, I can go without water – got a well – charge idiots a fu**in’ fortune for a bottle. I can do without gasoline – got me a solar truck a few years ago – friggin’ thing runs on sunshine and we got a huge supply o’ that cuz some eco-lovin’ bastards scared the shit outta everybody to stay away from it – might get skin cancer! Sheeeee-it, who the f**k cares at this point. But I’m finding it damn hard to do without a good supply a’ ammo – I got lots a’ guns to keep away any f**kers tryin’ to steal my water or my truck and they need bullets.
Anyway, this morning I lucked out and was able to buy two boxes of ammo.
I placed the boxes on the front seat and headed back home, but stopped at a gas station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde in a short skirt was filling up her car at the next pump.
She glanced at the two boxes of ammo, bent over and leaned in my passenger window, and said in a sexy voice, “I’m a big believer in barter, old fella. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?”
I thought for a few seconds and asked,
“What kind of ammo ‘ya got?”
*
*
LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, ‘E-G-G’.
‘Very good’, says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast ‘T-O-A-S-T’.
‘Excellent.’
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
‘I had bugger all’, he says, ‘ B-U-G-G-E-R-A-L-L’.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada.
Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada’s east coast.
When it’s Johnny’s turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question..
Johnny, she asks, ‘Where is the Polish border?’
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, ‘The Polish boarder is in bed with my mother. That’s why I got bugger all for breakfast’.
*
*
*
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HOT & COLD SEX
An elderly couple scheduled their annual medical examination the same day so they could travel together.
After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, “You appear to be in good health, do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
“In fact I do,” said the man, “After I have sex with my wife for the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
“This is very interesting,” replied the doctor, “Let me do some research and get back to you.”
After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.
The doctor then asked, “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?”
“Oh, that old buzzard,” she replied, “That’s because the first time is usually in July and the second time in December.”
*
*
*
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NEW JOB
Bobby walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, one round for everyone, on me!”
The bartender says, “Well, seems you’re in a really good mood tonight, hmm?”
Bobby says, “Oh, you can bet on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!”
The bartender congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round. Monday evening arrives. Bobby comes back into the bar and says, “Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!”
The bartender says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your paycheck!”
Bobby looks at the bartender with a wondrous look on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket, and says, “You mean they’ll PAY me too?”
*
*
*
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ZEBRA GOES TO HEAVEN
A Zebra dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates. As he enters, he asks St. Peter, ‘I have a question that’s haunted me all of my days on earth. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’
St. Peter said, ‘That’s a question only God can answer.’
So the zebra went off in search of God.
When he found Him, the zebra asked, ‘God, please I must know. Am I white with black stripes, or am I black with white stripes?’
God simply replied ‘You are what you are.’
The zebra returned to see St. Peter once more, who asked him, ‘Well, did God straighten out your query for you?’
The zebra looked puzzled. ‘No sir, God simply said ‘you are what you are.”
St. Peter smiled and said to the zebra, ‘Well then, there you are. You are white with black stripes.’
The zebra asked St. Peter, ‘How do you know that for certain?’
‘Because,’ said St. Peter, ‘If you were black with white stripes, God would have said, ‘You is what you is’
WARNING: If you laugh at this, Al Sharpton, Jesse Jackson, Rev Wright and Obama will be comin’ after yo white ass.
*
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THE GHOST?
There was this party in the woods and all of a sudden there was a down pour of thunder and rain, these two young guys ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, finally reaching their car just as the rain let up. They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man’s face appeared in the passenger window and tapped lightly on the window! The passenger screamed out, “eeeeekkk! Look at my window!!! There’s an old guy’s face there!” (Was this a ghost?!?!?!?) This old man kept knocking, so the driver said “well open the window a little and ask him what he wants!”
So the passenger rolled his window down part way and said, scared out of his wits, “What do you want???”
The old man softly replied, “you have any tobacco?”
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, “He wants tobacco!”
“Well offer him a cigarette! HURRY!!” the driver replies.
So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells “Step on it!!!” rolling up the window in terror.
Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, “What do you think of that?”
The driver says, “I don’t know? How could that be? I’m going pretty fast?”
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock on the window and there is the old man again. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaa, there he is again!”, the passenger yells.
“Well see what he wants now!” yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says “Yes?”
“Do you have a light?” the old man quietly asks.
The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window and yells, “STEP ON IT!”
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again there is more knocking!
“Oh my God! HE’S BACK!” He rolls down the window and screams out, “WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?” in stark terror.
The old man gently replies, “You want some help getting out of this mud?
*
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*
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AIR CANADA’S HANDICAP PROGRAM
In recent years part of Air Canada’s settlement with its unions was the hiring of handicapped people.
One day after that settlement, passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for their flight to leave. The door opened and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots’ uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a guide dog, and the other was tapping the aisle seats with a white cane.
Nervous laughter spread through the cabin; but the men entered the cockpit, the door closed, and the engines started up. The passengers began glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke.
None was forthcoming.
The plane moved faster down the runway, and people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport perimeter. As it began to look as though the plane would never take off, but instead would plunge into the water, panicked screams filled the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly. Soon they all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was indeed in good hands.
Then over the PA system they heard the copilot say to the pilot, “You know Bob, one of these days, they’re going to scream too late, and we’re all going to die!”
*
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THIS MAY BE THE DEFINITION OF A TRUE FRIEND
*
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FAMOUS QUOTES BY GEORGE CARLIN ABOUT POLITICS
“Boy, these conservatives are really something, aren’t they? They’re all in favor of the unborn. They will do anything for the unborn. But once you’re born, you’re on your own. Pro-life conservatives are obsessed with the fetus from conception to nine months. After that, they don’t want to know about you. They don’t want to hear from you. No nothing. No neonatal care, no day care, no head start, no school lunch, no food stamps, no welfare, no nothing. If you’re preborn, you’re fine; if you’re preschool, you’re f**ked.”
“Once you leave the womb, conservatives don’t care about you until you reach military age. Then you’re just what they’re looking for. Conservatives want live babies so they can raise them to be dead soldiers.”
“The real reason that we can’t have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post ‘Thou shalt not steal,’ ‘Thou shalt not commit adultery,’ and ‘Thou shalt not lie’ in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.”
“If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.”
“I’m completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.”
“This is a little prayer dedicated to the separation of church and state. I guess if they are going to force those kids to pray in schools they might as well have a nice prayer like this: Our Father who art in heaven, and to the republic for which it stands, thy kingdom come, one nation indivisible as in heaven, give us this day as we forgive those who so proudly we hail. Crown thy good into temptation but deliver us from the twilight’s last gleaming. Amen and Awomen.”
*
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EXTRA LARGE
A guy walks into a Texas bar and orders a small glass beer. When the bartender comes with the drink it was the size of a a keg. The guy says that he just ordered a small glass of beer.
Bartender says, “That is a small glass of beer, son. Everything in Texas is big.”
Then he ordered a small steak. When the waitress brings it to him, it is this huge 40 oz. piece of meat. The guy says that he only ordered a small steak.
The waitress says, “Son, everything is big in Texas.
After eating he asks where the bathroom is and is told to take the third door on the right. By now he is a bit smashed and though he carefully counts the doors, he enters the third door on the left and falls into a pool. He returns to the bar soaking wet.
“What in Hell happened to you?” asks the barkeep.
“Oh man, I fell in the damn toilet!”
*
*
*
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ALLIGATOR SHORT JOKES
Q: What do you call an alligator in a vest?
A: An Investigator
Q: What’s the similarity between an Alligator and Windows?
A: Neither of them has enough bytes!
Q: How many arms has an alligator got?
A: Depends how far he has got with eating his dinner!
Q: What do you get if you cross an alligator with a flower?
A: I don’t know, but I’m not going to smell it!
Q: What do alligators call human children?
A: Appetizers.
Q: Who gives alligators presents on Christmas?
A: Santa Jaws!
Q: What’s worse than one alligator coming to dinner?
A: Two alligators coming to dinner
Q: Why are alligators comedians so funny?
A: Their wit is as razor sharp as their teeth!
Q: Why won’t alligators attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy!
Q: What do yuppie alligators like to drink
A: Jaw-va
Q: What was the nerd alligators favorite programming language
A: Jaw-va
Q: What do you call an alligator that makes others fight?
A: An Instigator.
*
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*
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AMISH JOKES
Q: How do you fit 10 Amish in a VW Beetle?
A: Tell them you are going to the livestock auction
Q: Did you hear about the Amish Flu?
A: There are only two symptoms. First you get a little hoarse, then you get a little buggy.
Q: Why did the Amish woman divorce her husband?
A: He was driving her buggy.
Q: What’s the shortest book in the world?
A: Amish war heros.
Q: What goes clip-clop clip-clop clip-clop bang bang bang?
A: Amish driveby shooting.
Q: Why don’t the Amish water ski?
A: Because the horses would drown.
Q: What do you call an Amish guy with his arm up a horse’s ass?
A: A mechanic.
Q: What’s an Amish woman’s favourite sexual fantasy?
A: Two Mennonite.
Q: How do we know that Adam and Eve were Mennonite?
A: Who else would be alone in a garden with a naked woman and be tempted by a piece of fruit?
Q: What’s the difference between a Mennonite girl and Alaska?
A: About three degrees.
Q: What’s the difference between an Amish girl and a water buffalo?
A: About 12 pounds of hair.
Q: What’s the difference between an Amish boy and a rock?
A: The rock moves faster.
Q: Why don’t Amish women wear sleeveless dresses?
A: They refuse to bare arms.
Q: How was copper wire invented?
A: Two Mennonites found a penny.
Q: What do you call a beautiful girl in an Amish Church?
A: A visitor.
*
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*
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ALCOHOLISM
Two men lost their long-time drinking buddy to alcoholism.
At the funeral, as they passed by the open casket, one remarked to the other, “Gee,
Sam sure look good, doesn’t he?”
The other replied, “Well, he ought to; he hasn’t had a drink in 3 days.”
*
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*
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COCAINE JOKES – 4
Q: What’s black on the outside and white on the inside?
A: Whitney Houston’s nose! ”
Q: What does a drug addict dream about on Christmas Eve?
A: Building a snowman using only cocaine.
Q: What happened to the guy who accidentally mixed Rogaine into his cocaine?
A: He’s in the Guinness Book of World Records for the world’s longest nostril hair!
Q: What do you call a person addicted to both cocaine and marijuana?
A: A Crack-Pot
Q: Why did the blonde snort artificial sweetener?
A: She thought it was diet coke.
Q: What do republicans think it’s alright to do cocaine?
A: Cocaine is God’s way of saying you earn far too much money!
Q: If cocaine were legal, what would the little packages be called?
A: Sweet N’ High?
*
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*
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GIVE BLOOD, PLAY HOCKEY
A Montreal Canadiens hockey fan is driving home from work when he passes the local priest. He stops and gives him a lift.
A block later they pass a man wearing a Toronto Maple Leafs jersey. The Montreal fan suddenly feels an uncontrollable urge to run him over with the car. He puts his foot down on the accelerator and tries to hit him.
At the last minute the Maple Leafs fan jumps out of the way and the driver hears a thump which he figures must just be the curb.
The two men proceed in silence until finally the Canucks fan blurts out, “Look Father, I’m really sorry about that incident back there. I tried to run the Leafs fan over but I believe I missed him; can you forgive me father?”
The Priest replies “It’s okay son, no need to apologize; I got him with the car door.“
*
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SMALL PRICK
Jacob, who has always had a fear of needles, was sitting in the hospital waiting to get a vaccination.
When the nurse called him into the office to receive the injection, he nervously entered the room, sat down and broke into a cold sweat as he watched her prepare the needle.
He tried to concentrate on the most pleasurable things he could, hoping that would dull the pain he was about to suffer.
As the nurse approached him with the needle, she couldn’t help but notice his nervousness. In an attempt to comfort him, she said, “Don’t worry, it’s just a small prick.”
Jacob quickly jumped up, obviously upset. Startled by his reaction, but before she was able to say anything, Jacob yelled, “Just how many people has my wife been talking to?!?”
*
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THE WAR IS OVER
An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: “Father, during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied: “That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.”
“There is more to tell, Father… she started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.”
The priest said, “That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.”
“Thank you, Father. That’s a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.”
“And what is that?” asked the priest.
“Should I tell her the war is over?”
*
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QUIT DRINKING
A juggler, driving to his next performance, is stopped by the police. “What are these matches and lighter fluid doing in your car?”, asks the cop.
“I’m a juggler and I juggle flaming torches in my act.”
“Oh yeah?” says the doubtful cop. “Lets see you do it.”
The juggler gets out and starts juggling the blazing torches masterfully.
A couple driving by slows down to watch. “Wow,” says the driver to his wife. “I’m glad I quit drinking. Look at the test they’re giving now!”
*
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CANADIAN SIAMESE TWINS
Siamese twins walk into a pub in Ontario and park themselves on a bar stool.
One of them says to the bartender, “Don’t mind us, we’re joined at the hip. I’m John, he’s Jim. Two Molson Canadian beers, draft please”.
The bartender, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers. “Been on holiday yet, lads?”
“Off to England next month,” says John. “We go to England every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don’t we, Jim?”
Jim agrees.
“Ah, England!” says the bartender. “Wonderful country… the history, the beer, the culture”
“Nah, we don’t like that British crap,” says John. “Hamburgers & Molsons beer, that’s us, eh Jim? And we can’t stand the English – they’re so arrogant and rude.”
“So why keep going to England?” asks the bartender.
“It’s the only chance Jim gets to drive.”
*
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COYOTE SOLUTION?
The Sierra Club and the U.S. Forest Service were presenting an alternative to the Wyoming ranchers for controlling the coyote population. It seems that after years of the ranchers using the tried and true method of shooting or trapping the predators, the Sierra Club had a “more humane” solution to this issue.
What they were proposing was for the animals to be captured alive. The males would then be castrated and let loose again. This was ACTUALLY proposed by the Sierra Club and by the U.S. Forest Service.
All of the ranchers thought about this amazing idea for a couple of minutes.
Finally an old rancher wearing a big cowboy hat in the back of the conference room stood up, tipped his hat back and said; “Son, I don’t think you understand our problem here… these coyotes ain’t screwin’ our sheep… they’re eatin’ ’em!”
The meeting never really got back to order.
*
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*
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LIVING THE DREAM
A man, his bike, and his chick.
It just doesn’t get any better than this.
*
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DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?
An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in New York for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
For all of you out there who have had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you.
A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled.
A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.
Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, “I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.”
The agent replied, “I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first; and then I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”
The passenger was unimpressed.
He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, “DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?”
Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.
“May I have your attention, please?”, she began, her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal.
“We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS.
If anyone can help him with his identity, please come to Gate 14.” With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United Airlines agent, gritted his teeth, and said, “F*** You!”
Without flinching, she smiled and said, “I’m sorry sir, you’ll have to get in line for that, too.”
*
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MARRIED FOUR TIMES
The local news station was interviewing an 80 year old lady, because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80 and then about her new husband’s occupation!
“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.
“Interesting,” the newsman thought. He then asked her if she wouldn’t mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s, and a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, a funeral director.
Astonished, the interviewer looked at her and asked, “Why did you marry four men with such diverse careers?”
She smiled and explained, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready and four to go.”
*
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BEST FRIEND
A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him.
“Lou,” says the shocked friend, “what are you doing? I’ve known you for over fifteen years, and I’ve never seen you take a drink before. What’s going on?
”
Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, “My wife just ran off with my best friend.”
He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp.
*
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HOW DO YOU GET TO 1603 MOCKINGBIRD LANE?
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn’t do it while he waited, so he said he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose.
However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem – how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost.
She asked, “Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?”
The farmer said, “Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can’t carry this lot.”
The old lady suggested, “Why don’t you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm, and carry the goose in your other hand?”
“Why thank you very much,” he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he says, “Let’s take my short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time.”
The little old lady looked him over cautiously, then said, ”I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?”
The farmer said, “Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?”
The old lady replied, “Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens.”
*
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DYING NEWFIE SKIPPER
Gravely ill, the Skipper was examined by a doctor while his wife stood by.
After the examination the physician motioned for her to meet him in the hallway.
“Your husband is very sick,” the doctor said. “Still, you can do three things to ensure his survival.
First, fix him three healthy meals a day. Next, give him a stress-free environment and don’t complain about anything. Finally, make love to him every day.”
The doctor left and the woman returned to her husband’s room.
“What did the doctor say?” he asked.
“I’m sorry, m’dear,” she said, “but you’re gonna die.”
*
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WEED MANTRAS
Don’t drink and drive. Park and spark.
Alcohol kills, weed chills.
Making bank, and smoking dank.
Life is what you bake it.
Sorry for my bluntness, that’s just how I roll.
Wake Up, Bake Up.
Wake & Bacon
Why drink and drive when you can smoke and fly?
Haters bring drama, stoners bring ganja
Join the marijuana movement, it’s a joint effort.
*
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EMBARRASSING!
A shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks tentatively.
“Would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO, I WON’T SLEEP WITH YOU TONIGHT!”
Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the shy guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a journalist and I’ve got an assignment to study how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “WHAT DO YOU MEAN $1,000?
*
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WALKS INTO A BAR
A man walkS into a Florida bar with his pet alligator and asked the bartender:
“Do you serve lawyers here?”
“Sure.”
“Good. One beer for me and a lawyer for my alligator.”
*
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ECONOMY JOKES – 7
Q: What will happen if the DOW average falls any further?
A: They’ll add a N to the end of it!
Q: What new chapter is S&P forecasting for the American Economy?
A: Chapter 11
Q: Why might President Obama cancel his 50th birthday party?
A: Because Republicans won’t even let Obama raise his age!
Q: How do you know when the stock market is volatile & unstable?
A: The morning bell is rung by Britney Spears!
Q: Whats the best way to close the camp in Guantanamo Bay?
A: Turn it into a BANK!
Q: When will you know the economy is bouncing back and good times are here again?
A: Instead of just shooting animals for food, Sarah Palin is back shooting them for fun again!
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HOW BABIES ARE MADE IN CANADA
Canadian photographer Patrice Laroche surely will have no trouble explaining to his kids about the birds and the bees. During his wife Sandra Denis’ pregnancy, the artist created hilarious explanatory photo series titled “How to Make a Baby”.
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PRIEST
A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.
So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, “This is a tree.”
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, “Tree.”
The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, “This is a rock.”
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, “Rock.”
The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.
The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, “Man riding bike.”
The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both.
The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how could he kill these people in cold blood that way?
The chief replied,….. ”My bike.”
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BLONDE DOESN’T KNOW
Blonde: “What does IDK stand for?”
Brunette: “I don’t know.”
Blonde: “OMG, nobody does!”
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ADVENTURES IN DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland when they came to a fork in the road.
The sign read: “Disneyland Left.”
So they went home.
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BLONDE COFFEE DRINKER
A blonde says to her doctor, “Each time I try to sip my coffee, my eye hurts.”
The doctor says, “Maybe you should take the stirrer out of the cup.”
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HAPPIEST COUPLE
A groom walks down the aisle of the church to take his place by the altar and the best man notices that the groom has the biggest, brightest smile on his face.
The best man says, “Hey man, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up – you look so excited.”
The groom replies, “I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me.”
The bride comes walking down the aisle and she, too, has the biggest, brightest smile on her face.
The maid of honor notices this and says, “Hey, girlfriend, I know you are happy to be getting married, but what’s up, you look so excited.”
The bride replies, “I have just given the last blow job of my entire life!”
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BAR ONE LINERS
A hamburger walks into a bar and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve food in here.”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “So, why the long face?”
A skeleton walks into a bar and says, “Gimme a beer, and a mop.”
A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.
A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.
A man walks into a bar. OUCH! You would have thought he would have seen it!
A dyslexic guy walks into a bra.
A neutron walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender sets the beer down and says, “For you, no charge!”
An Irishman walks out of a bar. Hey, it COULD happen!
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GOLFER AT THE DENTIST
A man and his wife walked into a dentist’s office.
The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in one heck of a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anesthetic, I don’t have time for the gums to get numb. I just want you to pull the tooth, and be done with it! We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and it’s 9:30 already… I don’t have time to wait for the anesthetic to work!’ Then I’m off to Florida for the winter season of Golfing!
The dentist thought to himself, “my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain.”
So the dentist asks him, “which tooth is it sir?”
The man turned to his wife and said, “Open your mouth Honey, and show him.”
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LONGEST SIX MONTHS
A fellow went for a check up to his family physician. After a thorough examination, the doctor gave the man the bad news — “I’m sorry, but you only have 6 months to live.”
Obviously the man was shocked. He replied, “Please Doc, give me some advice!”
“Well,” the doctor said, “here is what I would do. First off, I would move to Arkansas. Then I would buy a hog farm. Finally, I would marry a 350 lb. woman.”
Looking perplexed, the man replied “my God, doc, how in the world will that help?”
The doctor answered, “Well, it won’t help your illness, but it will be the longest 6 months of your life!”
*
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CUSTODY CASE
A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.
The mother gets up and says to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.
The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.
After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied, “Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?”
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DICTONARY OF SORTS
ADULT A – person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
BEAUTY PARLOR – A place where women curl up and dye.
CHICKENS –An animal you can eat before they are born and after they are dead.
COMMITTEE – A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
DUST – Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST – Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
HANDKERCHIEF – Cold Storage.
INFLATION – Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
MOSQUITO – An insect that makes you like flies better.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS – A doctrine fostered by a delusional, illogical minority.
RAISIN – A grape with a sunburn.
SECRET – A story you tell to one person at a time.
SKELETON – A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
TOOTHACHE – The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOMORROW – One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
YAWN – An honest opinion openly expressed.
WRINKLES – Something other people have….similar to my character lines.
OLD – I very quietly confided to my friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, “Are you having it catered?” . . . now that is the definition of ‘OLD’!
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SISTER CATHERINE AND SISTER HELEN
Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car.
They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
“Quick, quick!” shouts Sister Catherine. “What shall we do?”
“Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
“What shall I do now?” she shouts.
“Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ,” says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
“Now what?” shouts Sister Catherine.
“Show him your cross,” says Sister Helen.
“Now you’re talking,” says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, “GET THE F**K OFF THE WINDSHIELD !!
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DON’T BLAME CANADIANS
A Canadian couple was strolling through a park in London and sat down on a bench next to an elderly Briton. The Brit noticed their lapel pins sporting the Canadian flag and, to make conversation, said “Judging by your pins, you must be Canadians”.
“Indeed we are”, replied the Canadian gentleman.
“I hope you won’t mind my asking,” said the Brit, “but what do the two red bars on your flag represent?”
“Well,” replied the Canadian gentleman, “one of the bars stands for the courage and hardiness of our people in settling the cold expanses and broad prairies of our country. The other is for the honesty and integrity for which Canadians are known.”
The Brit mulled this over and nodded. Having poor eyesight at his advanced age, and not being familiar with maple leaves, he then asked, “And what’s that six-pointed item in the middle of your flag?”
“Oh, that’s to remind us of the six words of our national motto,” the Canadian lady piped up.
The Brit asked, “And what are those six words?”
The Canadian smiled and replied, “Don’t blame us – we’re not American.”
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BIOLOGY TEST
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.
He got an A.
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MONEY JOKES – 6
Q: What does one penny say to the other penny?
A: Let’s get together and make some cents.
Q: What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?
A: a $100 bill!
Q: What is Barack Obama’s new slogan in these tough times?
A: Spare Change You Can Believe In!
Q: When does it rain money?
A: When there is “change” in the weather.
Q: Two coins add up to 30 cents, and one is not a nickel. What are they?
A: A quarter and a nickel. The quarter isn’t nickel.
Q: Why don’t cows have any money?
A: Because farmers milk them dry.
Q: Why did the man think he saw a ghost on Halloween?
A: A kid dressed up as a 401 (K)
Q: Why didn’t the quarter roll down the hill with the nickel?
A: Because it had more cents.
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RELIGIOUS COWBOY
The devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range.
Three weeks later, a colony of ants walked up to him carrying the Bible on their backs.
The cowboy couldn’t believe his eyes.
He took the precious book from the ants, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, “It’s a miracle!”
“Not really,” said the ants. “Your name is written inside the cover.
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FOUR LESSONS TO LEARN
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.
Four live worms were placed into four separate jars.
The first worm was put into a container of alcohol. The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke. The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup. The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.
At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results: The first worm in alcohol – Dead. The second worm in cigarette smoke – Dead. The third worm in chocolate syrup – Dead. The fourth worm in good clean soil – Alive.
So the Minister asked the congregation, “What did you learn from this demonstration?”
Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said, “as long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won’t have worms!”
That pretty much ended the service.
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MARIJUANA JOKES – 5
Q: How do you know you are a true stoner?
A: When your bong gets washed more than your dishes!
Police Officer: “How high are you?”
Pothead: “No officer, it’s “Hi, How are you?”
Q: What do you call a pothead with two spliffs?
A: Double jointed.
Q: What do you call one bowl between three tokers ?
A: Malnutrition.
Q: Why is the roach clip called a roach clip?
A: Because pot holder was taken
Q: Did you hear about the kid that overdosed on weed?
A: Neither did I.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage.
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MONEY JOKES
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness, simply didn’t know where to shop.
When I have money, I have nothing to buy. When I don’t have money, I want everything.
Cocaine is God’s way of saying you’re making too much money.
Love is gambling, not with money but with your heart. You can always get money back, but you might not get your heart back.
If robbers ever broke into my house and searched for money id just laugh and search with them.
If I had a dollar for every lie Mitt Romney tells the American people, I would be in his tax bracket.
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NEWFIE PASSWORD
The Bank of Montreal was running a recent Password Audit and found Stevie O’Toole from Conception Bay (Newfoundland) using the following password:
MickeyDonaldMinnieGoofyDaffyBugsElmerPlutoOttawa
When Stevie was asked why he had such a long password, he replied, “Lard t’underin geesus! Are yez blind er’ stupid?
I wuz told me password had to be at least 8 characters long wit’ one capital!”
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BLONDES WALKING
Three blondes walk into a building.
You’d think at least one of them would’ve seen it…..
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BLONDES IN A HOLE
Two blondes fell down a hole.
One said, “It’s dark in here isn’t it?”
The other replied, “I don’t know; I can’t see.”
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LIFE BEFORE COMPUTERS
*Memory is something you lost with age
*An application was for employment
*A program was a TV show
*A cursor used profanity
*A keyboard was a piano
*A web was a spider’s home
*A virus was the flu
*A CD was a bank account
*A hard drive was a long road trip
*A mouse was a rodent
*AND if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy … You just hoped nobody found out
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CONFUCIUS IS AT IT AGAIN !
Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland … A one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
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WHY YOU SHOULDN’T DATE AN ECONOMIST
1. Economists may be dangerous. Watch out for the invisible hands!
2. It won’t matter what you supply, they will always demand more.
3. They consider selfish behavior the most natural thing in the world.
4. They prefer doing it with models and dummies.
5. Economists habitually deflate everything.
6. They like their love lives like they like their markets: free and open.
7. On average they are pretty mean.
8. And definitely too trendy.
9. They will never be happy with you as you are, they will always want you to grow.
10. They require a lot of stimulus in order to expand.
11. They will spend their lives trying to predict your behavior.
12. They consider you perfectly substitutable.
13. They’ll only like you if you have plenty of elasticity.
14. They will always think that there is an acceptable level of unemployment.
15. As soon as you are happy in the relationship they’ll burst your bubble.
16. They’ll only be into you if you have plenty of boom and bust.
17. They’ll never say, I Love you, only that You optimise my utility?
18. They will rate your kids’ advancement into a Human Development Index.
19. They will establish very clear household property rights to avoid the tragedy of the commons.
20. If you ever get depressed, they’ll lower their interest rate to zero.
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WORLD SURVEY BY PHONE:
Recently a world-wide survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was, “Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?
The survey was a huge failure because of the following:
1. In Eastern Europe they didn’t know what “honest” meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn’t know what “shortage” meant.
3. In Africa they didn’t know what “food” meant.
4. In China they didn’t know what “opinion” meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn’t know what “solution” meant.
6. In South America they didn’t know what “please” meant.
7. In the USA they didn’t know what “the rest of the world” meant.
8. In Canada they hung up as soon as they heard the East Indian accent.
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POWER OUTAGE
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately.
So, I had to talk to my family for a few hours.
They seem like nice people.
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AIDS VIRUS
There was a German, an Italian and an East Indian on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:
To be shot
To be hung
To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.
The German said, “Shoot me right in the head.” (Boom, he was dead instantly.)
Then the Italian said, “Just hang me.” (Snap, he was dead.)
Then East Indian said, “Give me some of that AIDS stuff.”
They gave him the shot, and East Indian fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy.
Then East Indian said, “Give me another one of those shots.” So the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over.
Finally the warden said, “What is wrong with you?”
The East Indian replied, “You guys are so stupid….. I’m wearing a condom!”
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ALL MY STUFF WHEN I DIE
One lazy Sunday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, “When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.
“She looked at me intently and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”
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ALCOHOL JOKES – 5
Q: Why did Mexicans create tequila?
A: So ugly people would have a chance at having sex!
Q: What do you get when you mix English class with alcohol?
A: Tequila Mockingbird
Q: What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?
A: Four guys drinking Bud Light and watching a football game!
Q: How many men does it take to open a Budweiser bottle?
A: None. the lady should already have it open on the table!
Q: How can you find the guy who drank a case of Coors Light?
A: He’s the one dancing like an a**hole!
Q: How do you know a man is really really gay?
A: When he’s nursing a Bacardi Breezer!
Q: What’s the difference between a G-Spot and a bottle of Jack Daniels?
A: A guy will actually SEARCH for a bottle of Jack Daniels.
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INTENDED GRANDCHILD
A man is walking past this house when a used condom comes flying out of the second story window and lands squarely on his head.
Rather disgusted and absolutely furious, he goes up to the front door and starts pounding on it.
An elderly man opens it and asks him what caused him to knock so loudly.
The passerby asks, “Who’s in your upstairs room?”
The elderly man replies, “I can’t see how it’s any of your business. Since, you must know, my daughter and intended son-in-law are upstairs.”
The passerby hands him the used condom and says, “Well, I just wanted you to know that your intended grandchild fell out the window!”
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CATHOLIC HEART ATTACK
A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.
A store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to.
A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clip board loaded with several forms, and a pen.
She asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.
“Do you have health insurance?” she asked.
He replied in a raspy voice, “No health insurance.”
The nun asked, “Do you have money in the bank?”
He replied, “No money in the bank.”
“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?” asked the irritated nun.
He said, “I only have a spinster sister, and she is a nun.”
The nun became agitated and announced loudly, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”
The patient replied, “Perfect. Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”
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ONTARIO IN HEAT
Finally a joke about Ontario that does not involve the losing Maple Leafs or the Sens!
An Ontarian, a Prince Edward Islander and a Newfie all die and go to hell.
While there, they spot a red phone and ask what the phone is for. The devil tells them it is for calling back home to Earth.
The Islander asks to call Charlottetown and talks for 5 minutes. When he finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so the Islander writes him a cheque.
Next the Newfie calls St. John’s and talks for 30 minutes. When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is 6 million dollars, so the Newfie writes him a cheque.
Finally the Ontarian gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call, and feel free to call Ontario anytime.
When the Newfie hears this, he goes ballistic, and asks the devil why the Ontarian got to call his home province free.
The devil replied,” Since McGuinty became premier of Ontario, the province has gone to hell, so naturally it’s a local call.”
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A SHOT OF WHISKEY
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot of whiskey then looks into his pocket.
He does this over and over again.
Finally, the bartender asks why he orders a shot of whiskey and afterwards looks into his pocket.
The man responded, “I have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then I’ll go home.”
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LET HER IN
I am really concerned about my elderly parents who are living in Michigan… I just got off the phone with my father who is up north right now at his little cottage.
He said that the snow is nearly waist high. The temperature is at minus 20 degrees and the snow is still dropping… The wind is increasing to near gale force. Even the plows are having a hard time getting around, some trees are down too.
The roads are closed, and alerts are on all the TV and radio stations urging people to stay off the highway.
He said my mom has done nothing but look through the window for hours on end, just staring.
He says he’s concerned that if it gets much worse, he may have to let her in.
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SOME INTERESTING DEFINITIONS
Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end & a fool on the other.
Etc.: A sign to make others believe you know more than you actually do.
Marriage: It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor’s degree and a woman gains her master’s.
Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.
Diplomat: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
Politician: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
Committee: Individuals who can do nothing individually and decide that nothing can be done together.
Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens & everybody disagrees later on.
Dictionary: A place where divorce comes before marriage.
Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water-power.
Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece
Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Opportunists: One who starts having a bath when he/she accidently falls in a river.
Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either.
College: A place where some pursue learning and others learn pursuing.
Pessimist: A person who says that O is the last letter in ZERO, instead of the first letter in the word OPPORTUNITY
Miser: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
Optimist: A person who while falling from Eiffel tower says midway “See I ‘m ok”
Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Divorce: Future tense of marriage.
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MUTUAL ADMIRATION
A photographer went to a socialite party in New York. As he entered the front door, the host said ‘I love your pictures – they’re wonderful; you must have a fantastic camera.’
He said nothing until dinner was finished, then: ‘That was a wonderful dinner; you must have a terrific stove.”
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ALCOHOL JOKES – 6
Q: What is a man’s idea of a balanced diet?
A: A Budweiser in each hand!
Q: Whats the difference between Amy Winehouse and Captain Morgan?
A: Captain Morgan comes alive when you add coke!
Q: What did the bartender say after Charles Dickens ordered a martini?
A: “Olive or twist?”
Q: What did the bartender say after a book walked into the bar?
A: “Please, no stories!”
Q. Why did God invent Jameson whiskey?
A. So the Irish would never rule the world!
Q: What do Russians get when mixing Holy Water with Vodka?
A: The Holy Spirit!
Q: What did the man with slab of asphalt under his arm order?
A: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
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LANGUAGES
What do you call someone who speaks three languages?
“Multilingual”.
What do you call someone who speaks two languages?
“Bilingual”.
What do you call someone who speaks one language?
“American”.
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KIDS – THE OLD DAYS
Were you born sometime between – 1930 – 1979?
THIS IS FOR ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE 1930’s, 40’s, 50’s, 60’s and 70’s!!
written by this old comedian – Mr. Jay Leno
1) First, we survived being born to mothers who smoked and/or drank while they were pregnant.
2) They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can and didn’t get tested for diabetes.
3) Then after that trauma, we were put to sleep on our tummies in baby cribs covered with bright coloured lead-base paints.
4) We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets and when we rode, our bikes, we had baseball caps not helmets on our heads.
5) As infants & children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes!
6) Riding in the back of a pick-up truck on a warm day was always a special treat and legal.
7) We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
8) We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle and no one actually died.
9) We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar, …and, we weren’t overweight. WHY? Because we were always outside playing…that’s why!
And guess what ? We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on. No one was able to reach us all day.. And, we were O.K.
We would spend hours building our go-carts out of scraps And then ride them down the hill, only to find out we forgot the brakes. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem.
We did not have Playstations, Nintendo and X-boxes. There were no video games, no 150 channels on cable, no video movies or DVD’s, no surround-sound or CD’s, no cell phones, no personal computers, no Internet and no chat rooms. WE HAD FRIENDS And we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut, broke bones and teeth And there were no lawsuits from these accidents.
We ate worms and mud pies made from dirt, and the worms did not live in us …forever..
We rode bikes or walked to a friend’s house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just Walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts and not everyone made the team. Those who didn’t had to learn to deal with disappointment. Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. Hey, they actually agreed with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers, problem solvers and inventors ever to walk the planet. The past 50 years have been an explosion of innovation and new ideas.
We had freedom, and we shared failure, success and responsibility, and by golly we learned how to deal with it all !
If YOU are one of them? CONGRATULATIONS! You might want to share this with others you know who have had the luck to grow up as real ordinary kids – before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives that it’s now often dangerous just to leave your own home!
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DEAR GOD,
My prayer for this New Year is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don’t mix these up like you did last year.
AMEN!
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EAT JUNK FOOD AND LIVE LONGER
Now that I am older, my cardiologist advised me to watch my diet.
Now I avoid eating healthy natural foods because I read that most people die of natural causes. I’ll have a double Whopper please!
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DIARY OF A BLONDE
Jan: Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight
Feb: Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helloooo!!! Bottles won’t fit in the typewriter!!!
Mar: Got really excited – finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months – the box said 2 – 4 years!!
Apr: Trapped on escalator for hours – power went out!!
May: Tried to make Kool-Aid – stupid instructions were wrong – 8 cups of water won’t fit into those tiny packets!!!
Jun: Tried to waterski – couldn’t find a lake with a slope.
Jul: Lost Breast Stroke swimming contest…can’t believe they didn’t see the other swimmers cheating…they were using their arms!!!
Aug: Got locked out of my car in a rain storm…the car got swamped because the convertible top was down
Sep: The capital of California is ‘C’ … Isn’t it????
Oct: HATE Smarties … They’re sooo hard to peel!
Nov: Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days … Instructions said 1 hour per pound … I’M 100 POUNDS!!!
Dec: Couldn’t call 911 … DUH … There’s no ‘eleven’ button on the stupid phone!!!
WHEW!!! What a year!!
*
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WHAT DAY IS THIS?
Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, ‘I bet you don’t know what day this is?’
‘Of course I do,’ he answered indignantly, as he slammed the door, and drove to his office.
At 11 o’clock, the doorbell rang. The wife answered, and there at her front door was a UPS driver, with a box containing 12 red roses.
Later, at 2 pm there was another knock at the door, this time it was a deluxe box of Belgian chocolates.
Eventually the husband came home, tired after a hard day’s work. His wife greeted him by saying: ‘First the flowers, then the chocolates, I’ve never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!’
*
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LEROY AND LEIGHROY
A woman walks into the downtown welfare office, trailed by 15 kids.
‘WOW,’ the social worker exclaims, ‘are they all yours?”
‘Yep, they are all mine,’ the flustered momma sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before.
She says, ‘Sit down Leroy.’ All the children rush to find seats.
‘Well,’ says the social worker, ‘then you must be here to sign up. I’ll need all your children’s names.’
‘Well, to keep it simple, the boys are all named Leroy and the girls are all named Leighroy.’
In disbelief, the case worker says, ‘Are you serious? They’re ALL named Leroy?’
Their momma replied, ‘Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it’s time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Leroy!’ An’ when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Leroy!’ An they all comes a runnin. An’ if I need to stop the kid who’s running into the street, I just yell Leroy’ and all of them stop. It’s the smartest idea I ever had, namin’ them all Leroy.’
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, ‘But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?’
‘Then I call them by their last names.’
*
*
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ON EUPHEMISMS FOR AGING AND DEATH
– George Carlin
“‘Older’ sounds a little better than ‘old,’ doesn’t it? Sounds like it might even last a little longer.
… I’m getting old. And it’s OK. Because thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die — I’ll ‘pass away.’ Or I’ll ‘expire,’ like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they’ll call it a ‘terminal episode.’
The insurance company will refer to it as ‘negative patient care outcome.’ And if it’s the result of malpractice they’ll say it was a ‘therapeutic misadventure.'”
You BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I was JUST 92.”
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
*
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A MICROSOFT TECHNICIAN
One of Microsoft’s technicians was drafted and sent to a boot camp.
At the rifle range, he was given some instructions, rifle and bullets. He fired several shots at the target, and the report came from the target area that all the attempts had completely missed the target.
The technician looked at his rifle, and then at the target. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand.
The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled towards the target area, “It’s leaving here just fine, the trouble must be at your end!”
*
*
*
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THE ORIGIN OF PROFILING
The day it all started was March 6, 1836. On that fateful day, Davy Crockett woke up, rose from his bunk on the main floor of the Alamo, and walked up to the observation post along the west wall of the fort.
William B. Travis and Jim Bowie were already there, looking out over the top of the wall. These three great men gazed at the hordes of Mexicans moving towards the Alamo.
With a puzzled look on his face, Crockett turned to Bowie and said,
“Jim, by any chance, are we having any landscaping done today?”
*
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STRANDED BLONDE
There was a blonde, a redhead, and a brunette. They were all trapped on an island and the nearest shore was 50 miles away.
The redhead swam trying to make it to the other shore she swam 15 miles, drowned, and died.
The brunette swam 24 miles, drowned, and died.
The blonde swam 25 miles, got tired, and swam back.
*
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SHORT ONES …
DEAR GOD,
My prayer for this New Year is for a fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don’t mix these up like you did last year. AMEN!
SCARS
Scars are tattoos with better stories.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Birthdays are good for your health.
Studies have shown that people who have more birthdays live longer
NEIGHBOURS
My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 AM this morning, can you believe that 2:30 AM?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
UNIVERSAL DISAPOINTMENT
When they finally discover the center of the universe …
a lot of people will be disappointed they are not it.
MATHEMATICAL BEHAVIOR
The speed in which a woman says “NOTHING” when asked “What’s wrong?” is inversely proportional to the severity of the coming storm.
MIDNIGHT SNACKS
If we’re not supposed to have midnight snacks,
then why is there a light in the fridge?
PISSED
It’s better to be pissed off, than pissed on.
Unless, you’re into that kind of thing.
DYSLECTIC INSOMNIAC
Did you hear about the agnostic dyslectic who had insomnia?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a Dog.
*
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ADVICE FOR MEN
What to do when she says…
“I’ve been thinking… ” — DON’T Ask !
“What are you thinking?” — DON’T Tell!
“Do you think they are attractive?” — DON’T say a freakin’ word!
*
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DETROIT RESIDENTS STUNNED!
Police in Detroit announced the discovery of an arms cache of 200 semi-automatic rifles with 25,000 rounds of ammunition, 200 pounds of heroin, 5 million in forged US banknotes and 25 trafficked prostitutes — all in a semi-detached house behind the Public Library on Woodward Ave.
Local residents were stunned. A community spokesman said: “We’re all shocked; we never knew we had a library.”
*
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RELATIONSHIP STATUS
( ) Single
( ) In a Relationship
( ) Engaged
( ) Married
( ) Separated
( ) Divorced
(X) Waiting for a miracle
*
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THE TRUTH OF LIFE
It takes 7 seconds for food to pass from mouth to stomach.
A human hair can hold 3kg.
The length of the penis is three times the length of the thumb.
The femur is as hard as concrete.
A woman’s heart beats faster than a man’s.
Women blink twice as much as men.
We use 300 muscles just to keep our balance when we stand.
A woman has read this entire text.
A man is still looking at his thumb…
*
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DRINKING QUOTES
Brendan Behan
I saw a notice that said “Drink Canada Dry” and I’ve just started.
Henny Youngman
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says “You’ve been brought here for drinking.” The drunk says “Okay, let’s get started.”
George Gobel
I’ve never been drunk, but often I’ve been over served.
W. C. Fields
I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
Frida Kahlo
I drank to drown my pain, but the damned pain learned how to swim, and now I am overwhelmed by this decent and good behavior.
W. C. Fields
A man’s got to believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
Edward Abbey
A drink a day keeps the shrink away.
Catherine Zandonella
Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time.
Dudley Moore
Not everyone who drinks is a poet. Some of us drink because we’re not poets.
George Burns
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can’t remember if it’s the thirteenth or fourteenth.
*
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ALL MY PEOPLE
On the roof of a very tall building are four men; one is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white.
The asian walks to the ledge and says, “This is for all my people” and jumps off the roof.
Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, “This is for all my people” and then he jumps off the roof.
Next is the black guy’s turn. The black guy walks to the ledge and says, “This is for all my people” and then throws the white guy off the roof.
*
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MIRACLE DOCTOR
A new miracle doctor was in town. He could cure anything and anybody, and everyone was amazed with what he can do except for Robert, the town’s grouch.
So he went to this ‘Miracle Doctor’ to prove that he wasn’t so miraculous.
He tells the doctor, “Hey, doc, I lost my sense of taste. I can’t taste nothing, so what are you going to do?”
The doctor scratches his head and mumbles to himself a little, then tells him, “What you need is jar number 43.”
“Jar number 43?”, Robert wonders.
So the doctor leaves and after five minutes he brings a jar and tells Robert to taste it.
He tastes it and immediately spits it out, “This is sh*t!” he yells.
“I just restored your sense of taste,” says the doctor.
So Robert goes home very mad.
One month later, he goes back to the doctor along with a new problem, “Doc,” he starts, “I can’t remember!”
Thinking he got the doctor, the doctor scratches his head, mumbles to himself a little and then tells him, “What you need is jar number 43…”
Before the doctor finished his sentence, Robert fled the office.
*
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SUCCESS
At age 4 success is . . . . Not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 17 success is . . . Having a driver’s license.
At age 35 success is . . . Having money.
At age 50 success is . . . Having money.
At age 70 success is . . . Having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . . . Having friends.
At age 80 success is . . . Not piddling in your pants.
*
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BENEFITS OF BEING AN ATHEIST
A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.
However, the atheist’s had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man’s job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day ,and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.
So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, “Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn’t even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?”
A great voice bellowed out from above, “BECAUSE HE DOESN’T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!”
*
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MEN ARE LIKE …
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Floor Tiles, if you lay them right the first time, you can
walk all over them for years
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Bank Accounts, without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Blenders, you need one, but you’re not quite sure why
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Commercials, you cant believe a word they say.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Computers, hard to figure out and never have enough memory.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Coolers, load them with beer and you can take them anywhere.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Government Bonds, they take so long to mature.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . High Heels, they’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of
it.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Horoscopes, they always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Lava Lamps, fun to look at, but not all that bright.
MEN ARE LIKE . . . Mascara, they usually run at the first sign of emotion.
*
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HAVE YOU HEARD THE ONE ABOUT … ?
Q: How many Canadians does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None. Canadians don’t try to change lightbulbs, we accept them as they are.
.
Q: In an emergency, how do you get a bunch of Canadians out of a crowded swimming pool?
A: You say, “Please get out of the swimming pool.”
.
Q: What does a Canadian say when you step on their foot?
A: “Sorry!”
.
Q: How do you know what the weather is going to be like in Vancouver?
A: If you can’t see the mountains, it means it’s raining. And if you can see them, it means it’s going to rain.
.
Q: Why doesn’t Hamilton have a professional hockey team?
A: Because then Toronto would want one too. (Sorry Leafs fans…)
*
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OBAMA AT THE BANK
President Obama walks into a local bank in Chicago to cash a check. He is surrounded by Secret Service agents. As he approaches the cashier he says, “Good morning Ma’am, could you please cash this check for me?”
Cashier:
“It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?”
Obama:
“Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn’t think there was any need to. I am President Barack Obama, the President of the United States of AMERICA !!!!”
Cashier:
“Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of 9/11, impostors, forgers, money laundering, and bad mortgage underwriting not to mention requirements of the Dodd/Frank legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.”
Obama:
“Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.”
Cashier:
“I am sorry Mr. President but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.”
Obama:
“I am urging you, please, to cash this check. I need to buy a gift for Michelle for Valentine’s Day”
Cashier:
“Look Mr. President, here is an example of what we can do. One day, Tiger Woods came into one of our bank branches without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a coffee cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his check.”
“Another time, Andre Agassi came into the same place without ID. He pulled out his tennis racquet and made a fabulous shot where as the tennis ball landed in a coffee cup. With that shot we cashed his check.
So, Mr. President, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you, as the President of the United States?”
Obama:
Obama stands there thinking, and thinking, and finally says, “Honestly, my mind is a total blank…there is nothing that comes to my mind. I can’t think of a single thing. I have absolutely no idea what to do and I don’t have a clue.”
Cashier:
“Will that be large or small bills, Mr. President?
*
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WED IN HEAVEN
On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple was involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived, they asked him if they could get married in Heaven. St. Peter said, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,” and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer… for a couple of months. While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all? “What if it doesn’t work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?”
Yet another month passed before St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,” he informed the couple, “You can get married in Heaven.”
“Great!” said the couple. “But we were just wondering; what if things don’t work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed down his clipboard.
“What’s wrong?” asked the frightened couple.
“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it’ll take to find a lawyer?”
*
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TOO SOON
A man was having premature ejaculation problems so he went to the doctor. The doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.”
That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol and ran home to his wife.
That night the two were having sex and found themselves in the 69 position. The man felt the urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.
The next day he went back to the doctor who asked how it went.
The man answered, “Not well. When I fired the pistol, my wife pooped on my face, bit three inches off my penis, and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air.”
*
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FISHING TIP
It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.
He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice next to him. The young boy dropped his fishing line and minutes later he hooked a Largemouth Bass.
The old man couldn’t believe his eyes but chalked it up to plain luck. Shortly thereafter, the young boy pulled in another large catch. The young boy kept catching fish after fish.
Finally, the old man couldn’t take it any longer. “Son” he said, “I’ve been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You’ve been here only a few minutes and have caught a half dozen fish! How do you do it?”
The boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm.”
“What was that?” the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, “Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm.”
“Look,” said the old man, “I can’t understand a word you’re saying sonny.”
The boy spat the bait into his hand and said… “You have to keep the worms warm!”
*
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*
PRINCE CHARLES AND THE HOOKER
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed, a hooker was standing. He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
“One hundred and fifty pounds!” she’d shout.
here every day.
“No! Five pounds!” he said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up”.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She’d yell, “One hundred and fifty pounds!”
He’d yell back, “Five pounds!”
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband. As the couple neared the hooker’s corner, Prince Charles realized she’d bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he’d really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he’d better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled:
“See what you get for five pounds, you cheap bastard!”
*
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ITALIAN POKER PLAYERS
Seven retired Italian Floridian guys were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other six continue but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, “So, who’s gonna’ tell his wife?”
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don’t make a bad situation any worse.
“Discreet? I’m the most discreet person you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!”
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido’s condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?
Pasquale declares: “Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home.”
“Tell him to drop dead!” yells the wife.
“I’ll go tell him.” says Pasquale.
*
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ONE LINERS
A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.
I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they’re still walking about with it. I thought to myself, “These guys have lost the plot!”
Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.
I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
I was driving this morning when I saw an Automotive Club van parked on the side of the road. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself, “That guy’s heading for a breakdown.”
*
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*
I CAN’T REMEMBER
Just a line to say I ‘m living; that I’m not among the dead. Though I’m getting more forgetful and mixed up in the head.
I got used to my arthritis, to my dentures I’m resigned. I can manage my bifocals, but God I miss my mind.
For sometimes I can’t remember when I stand at the foot of the stair; if I must go up for something or have I just come down from there.
And before the fridge so often my poor mind is filled with doubt. Have I just put food away, or have I come to take some out.
And there is time when it is dark with my nightcap on my head; I don’t know if I’m retiring or just getting out of bed.
So, if it’s my turn to write you there’s no need to get sore; I may think that I have written and don’t want to be a bore.
So, remember that I miss you and wish that you were near, but now it’s nearly mail time so I must say goodbye I fear.
There I stand beside the mailbox with a face so very red. Instead of mailing you this letter I had opened it instead.
*
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TEN HUSBANDS
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married 10 times?”
“Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services. He was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services. He said everything checked out diagnostically, but he just couldn’t get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing. Even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer. He understood the basic process, but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration. He thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing. Although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist. All he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist. All he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector. All he ever did was… God! I miss him!
But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”
“Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”
“You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m going to get screwed!”
*
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TWENTY EIGHT LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE
1 My husband and I divorced over religious differences.. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
2. I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
3. Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
5. Don’t take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.
6. You’re just jealous because the voices only talk to me
7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.
8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.
9. I’m not a complete idiot — Some parts are missing.
10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.
12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.
13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.
15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
16. Being ‘over the hill’ is much better than being under it!
17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.
18. Procrastinate Now!
19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!
23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.
25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.
26. Ham and eggs…A day’s work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.
27. The trouble with life is there’s no background music.
28. I smile because I don’t know what the heck is going on.
*
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HOW TO BREAK THE NEWS …
“Have you ever seen twenty dollars all crumpled up … ?” the woman asked her husband.
“No”, replied her husband.
She gave him a lingering, sensuous smile, and slowly unbuttoned the top four buttons of her blouse. She slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra . . . and pulled out a crumpled twenty dollar note.
He took the crumpled twenty dollar note from her, and smiled approvingly.
“Have you ever seen fifty dollars all crumpled up … ?” she then asked her husband.
“Uh . . . no, I haven’t” he told her, with a slightly anxious tone in his voice.
She gave him another sexy little smile, pulled up her skirt and seductively retrieved a crumpled fifty dollar note.
He took the crumpled fifty dollar note, and started breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
“Now” she said, “have you ever seen $50,000 dollars all crumpled up?”
“No way” he exclaimed, while becoming even more breathless.
“Well, go look in the garage!” she replied.
*
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CANADIAN JOKES
In Canada, There Are Only 2 Seasons – Six Months Of Winter And 6 Months Of Poor Snowmobiling
What’s The Definition Of A Canadian? – A Disarmed American With Health Care…
When A Canadian Thinks Of Hell… he Wonders What The Heating Bill Must Be.
Why Does A Canadian Cross The Road? To Get To The Middle.
Why Do Newfie Dogs Have Flat Noses? From Chasing Parked Cars.
*
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MEXICAN WORDS
The teacher told Pepito to use the following words in a sentence:
1. *Cheese*
Maria likes me, but cheese ugly.
2. *Mushroom*
When all my family get in the car there’s not mushroom.
3. *Shoulder*
My friend wants 2 become a citizen, but she didn’t know how to read, so I, shoulder.
4. * Texas *
When I’m not home, my friend always Texas me, she wonders where I am!
5. *Herpes*
Me and my friend ordered pizza. I got my piece, then she got herpes.
6. *July*
Ju told me ju were going to the store, but ju went to see sum guy, July to me! Julyer!
7. *Rectum*
I had 2 cars, but my wife rectum!
8. *Chicken*
I was going to go to the store with my wife, but she said chicken go herself.
9. *Wheelchair*
We only have one enchilada left, but don’t worry wheelchair
*
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I LOVE YOU RELATIONSHIP
A group of women were at a seminar on “How to live in a loving relationship with your husband.”
The women were asked, “How many of you love your husband?”
All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, “When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?”
Some women answered today, some yesterday, some couldn’t remember.
The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband:
“I love you, sweetheart.”
The women were then told to exchange phones and to read aloud the text message responses.
Here are some of the replies:
1. Who is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick?
3. I love you too.
4. What now? Did you crash the car again?
5. I don’t understand what you mean?
6. What did you do now?
7. ?!?
8. Don’t beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don’t tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed we would not drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay, isn’t she??
“Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves, for they shall never cease to be amused” – (Author Unknown)
*
*
*
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MORE CARLINISMS
“Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.”
*
“Have you ever wondered why Republicans are so interested in encouraging people to volunteer in their communities? It’s because volunteers work for no pay. Republicans have been trying to get people to work for no pay for a long time.”
– George Carlin
*
*
*
*
BORDER PATROL & THE MEXICAN
A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says “Sorry, you know the law, you’ve got to go back across the border right now.”
The Mexican man pleads with them, “No, noooo Senor, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!”
The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, I’m going to make it hard for him and says “Ok, I’ll let you stay if you can use three english words in a sentence. The three words are ‘green,’ ‘pink,’ and ‘yellow.'”
The Mexican man thinks , then says, “Hmmm, okay. The phone, it went green, green, green. I pink it up and sez yellow?”
*
*
*
*
COOKING WITH BACON GREASE
There is nothing better to fry eggs, popcorn, season beans, or season cornbread. But I didn’t know this can happen!
IF YOU HAVE EVER INGESTED BACON GREASE IN ANY FORM PLEASE READ THIS!
Bacon Grease warning
The question is: Do you use bacon grease?
We were raised on bacon grease (lard) as kids and even into adulthood! I will never use it again.
I hope you will throw yours away whenever you fry bacon from now on. It seems as though nothing is safe to eat anymore.
This is what happens when you keep cooking with bacon grease. This is a warning, tell everyone you care about.
Bacon grease will make your feet SHRINK!!!
Warn everyone!!
*
*
*
*
LITTLE JOHNNY ON GROWING UP
The teacher was asking her students what they wanted to be when they grow up. It was Johnny’s turn.
Johnny: “I wanna be a billionaire and go to expensive clubs. Find a bitch there, buy her a million dollar apartment in Vegas. Get her a Ferrari. Buy her a beach house in Miami, a private jet, get her expensive jewelry and have sex with her 3 times a day.”
The teacher was lost of words and didn’t know what to do; she just proceeded along and asked Marie what she wanted to be.
Marie replied: “Without a doubt ma’am, I’d like to be Johnny’s bitch!!”
*
*
*
*
PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DEAD AT 71
It is with the saddest heart I pass on the following. Please join me in remembering a great icon. The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection and complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.
Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry Jack, the California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain Crunch.
The grave site was piled high with flours.
Long-time friend, Aunt Jemima, delivered the eulogy, describing Doughboy as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.
Doughboy rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was never considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Despite being a little flaky at times, even still he was a crusty old man and was considered a roll model for millions
.
Toward the end, it was thought he would rise again, but alas, he had reached his expiration date.
Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough; two children, John Dough and Jane Dough; plus they had one in the oven. He is also survived by his elderly father, Pop Tart.
The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes
*
*
*
*
SCARED SHIT
Shortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced: ‘Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your Captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to Toronto. The weather ahead is good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight. So sit back, relax and… OH, MY GOD!’
Silence followed!
Some moments later the captain came back on the intercom. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!’
An elderly Irish passenger yelled back… ‘For Christ sake… You should see the back of mine!’
*
*
*
*
HANDJOB
A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads, “Cheese Sandwich: $1.50; Chicken Sandwich: $2.50; Hand Job: $10.00.”
Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks to an eager-looking group of men.
“Yes?” she enquires with a knowing smile, “Can I help you?”
“I was wondering,” whispers the man, “Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”
“Yes,” she purrs, “I am.”
The man replies, “Well, go wash your hands, I want a cheese sandwich!”
*
*
*
*
MISSED ANNIVERSARY
Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really pissed.
She told him “Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since Friday.
*
*
*
*
BLONDE KIDNAPPER
A blonde needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.
She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, “I’ve kidnapped you.”
She then wrote a big note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde.”
The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree.
The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”
*
*
*
*
SINCE 1955
A crusty old Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
“Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?”
“Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.”
“The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, “It looks like you have seen a lot of action.”
“Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.”
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, “You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.”
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.
Finally the young lady said, “You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?”
“1955, ma’am.”
“Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, “Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955!”
The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, “I hope not, it’s only 2130 now.”
*
*
*
*
YEARLY CHECKUP
Went to the doctor for my yearly physical.
The nurse started with certain basics. “How much do you weigh?” she asked.
“150,” I said. The nurse put me on the scale. It turns out my weight is 190.
The nurse asked, “Your height?””5 foot 7,” I said.
The nurse checked and saw that I only measure 5′ 4″
She then took my blood pressure and told me that it is very high.
“Of course it’s high!” I screamed, ‘When I came in here I was tall and slender! Now I’m short and fat!”
She put me on Prozac. What a bitch!
*
*
*
*
FAVORITE OPERATIONS
Four surgeons sit around discussing their favorite patients.
The first surgeon says, “I like operating on librarians. When you open them up, everything is in alphabetical order”.
The second surgeon says, “I like operating on accountants. When you open them up, everything is in numerical order”.
The third surgeon says, “I like operating on electricians. When you open them up, everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon says, “I like operating on politicians.”
The other three surgeons look at each other in disbelief.
The fourth surgeon continues, “Because they’re heartless, gutless, spineless, and the ass and head are interchangeable.”
*
*
*
*
WEDDING PROPOSAL
Finally, the old-timer picked up courage to ask her, “Will you marry me?”
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, “Yes, yes I will!”
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say “Yes” or did she say “No?” He couldn’t remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall.
He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not recall her response.
With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn’t remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. “When I asked if you would marry me, did you say “Yes” or did you say “No?”
“Why you silly man I said, ‘Yes. Yes I will.’ And I meant it with all my heart.”
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. “And I am so glad you called because I couldn’t remember who asked me!”
*
*
*
*
SEX EXPLAINED
“Daddy, where did I come from?” seven-year-old Rachel asks.
It is a moment for which her parents have carefully prepared. They take her into the living room, get out several other books, and explain all they think she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction.
Then they both sit back and smile contentedly. “Does that answer your question?” the mom asks.
“Not really,” the little girl says. “Judy said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from.”
*
*
*
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WEDDING VS WAKE
What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
One less drunk Irishman.
*
HOW MANY LAWYER JOKES ARE THERE?
Q. How many lawyer jokes are there?
A. Three…the rest are all true.
*
*
*
*
THE PILOT AND THE PRIEST
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.
Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ‘Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?’
The guy replies, ‘I’m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.’
Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ‘Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.’ The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.
Next, it’s the priest’s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ‘I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.’
Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.
‘Just a minute,’ says the good father. ‘That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?
‘Up here – we go by results,’ says Saint Peter. ‘When you preached – people slept. When he flew, people prayed.’
*
*
*
*
DILBERT ONE-LINERS
1. I say no to alcohol, but it just doesn’t listen.
2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.
3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.
4. Work is fine if it doesn’t take too much of your time.
5. When everything comes in your way,you’re in the wrong lane.
6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an oncoming train..
7. Born free, taxed to death.
8. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film..
9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.
10. Smile. It makes people wonder what you are thinking.
11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
12. It’s not hard to meet expenses. They are everywhere.
13. I love being a writer… What I can’t stand is the paperwork.
14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.
15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot.
The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.
16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.
17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?
18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?
19. Beat the 5 O’clock rush, leave work at noon!
20. If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
21. It’s not the fall that kills you. It’s the sudden stop at the end.
22. I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder!
23. Hot glass looks the same as cold glass.
24. The cigarette does the smoking. You are just the sucker.
25. Someday is not a day of the week.
26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
27. To Err is human; to forgive is not a company policy.
28. The road to success…. is always under construction.
29. Alcohol doesn’t solve any problems, but neither does milk.
30. In order to get a loan, you first need to prove that you don’t need it.
And my favourite …
31. All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive, fattening or married to someone else.
*
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BELLBOY
Once there was a church that had a bell that no one could ring. One day, a boy came and asked the priest if he could try.
So the boy went up into the tower and ran straight into the bell, face-first. The bell tolled loud and clear. The shocked priest gave him the job.
But one Sunday, he ran straight toward the bell with his face and missed and fell off the tower and died.
“Congregation,” the priest said before the assembled masses. “Does anybody know this boy’s name? Because I don’t know him, but his face rings a bell.”
*
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LIBIDO PILL
A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex.
The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her that it’s still experimental. He tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner, so that night, she does just that.
About a week later, she’s back at the doctor, where she says, “Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn’t five minutes later that he jumped up, raked all the food and dishes onto the floor, grabbed me, ripped all my clothes off, and ravaged me right there on the table!”
The doctor says, “I’m sorry, we didn’t realize the pill was that strong! The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages.”
“Nah,” she says, “that’s okay. We’re never going back to that restaurant anyway.”
*
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*
CANADIAN JOKES
Q: What’s The Difference Between A Canadian And A Canoe?
A: A Canoe Will Tip.
.
Q: Why Do Canadians Screw Doggy-style?
A: So Both Can Watch The Hockey Game.
.
Q: Why is American beer like Canoe Sex?
A: It’s f**cking near water…
*
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RESPECT
Two friends are fishing near a bridge.
Suddenly a hearse and two funeral cars go over the bridge so one of the men stands up, takes off his cap and bows his head.
When the cars have gone he puts his cap back on, sits back down and carries on fishing.
His buddy turns to him and says, “Dave, that’s one of the nicest, most respectful things I’ve ever seen.”
Dave replies,” Well we were married for nearly 20 years.”
*
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VET HINT
A dog lover, whose dog was a bitch and ‘in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbors’ male dog and house while they were away on vacation.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep them apart but as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds; she rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet responded, “hang up the phone and then place the phone down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw”.
“Do you think that will work?” she asked
“It just worked for me” he replied.
*
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MORE CARLINISMS
“In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.”
“Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.”
“Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.”
“Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.”
– George Carlin
*
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FINDING JESUS
An Irishman is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds into the water, subsequently bumping into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, hereupon, he asks the drunk, “Are you ready to find Jesus?”
The drunk shouts, “Yes, oi am.”
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him back and asks, “Brother, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk replies, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus!”
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him again but for a little longer. He again pulls him out of the water and asks, “Have you found Jesus, me brother?”
The drunk answers, “No, oi haven’t found Jesus!”
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk again — but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds, and when he begins kicking his arms and legs about, he pulls him up. The preacher again asks the drunk, “For the love of God, have you found Jesus?”
The drunk staggers upright, wipes his eyes, coughs up a bit of water, catches his breath, and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he bloody fell in?”
*
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*
*
NEW IDEAS
An elderly priest was speaking to a younger priest. “You had a good idea to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theatre seats. It worked like a charm! The front of the church always fills first now.”
As the young priest nodded, the old priest continued, “You also told me to assign a little more beat to the music because it would bring young people back to church. So, I supported you when you bought in that rock ‘n’ roll Gospel choir. Now, our services are consistently packed.“
“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”
“All of these ideas have been well and good,” said the elderly priest. “But, I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”
“But Father,” protested the young priest. “My confessions and donations have nearly doubled since I began that!”
“Yes,” replied, the elderly priest. “I appreciate that, but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot ‘n’ Tell or Go to Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!”
*
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*
*
GRANDMOTHERS VS GRANDFATHERS
Have you ever wondered what the difference is between Grandmothers and Grandfathers? Well, here it is:
There was this loving grandfather who always made a special effort to spend time with his son’s family on weekends. Every Saturday morning he would take his 7 year old granddaughter out for a drive in the car for some quality time — just him and his granddaughter.
One particular Saturday, however, he had a bad cold and really didn’t feel like being up at all. He knew his granddaughter always looked forward to their drives and would be disappointed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter for the drive.
When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see her grandfather who was still in bed.
“Well, did you enjoy your ride with grandma?” he asked.
“Oh, yes, Papa, it was really wonderful. We didn’t see a single asshole, piece of crap, horse’s ass, blind bastard, dipshit, muslim goat humper or son of a bitch anywhere we went!”
Almost brings a tear to your eye, doesn’t it?
*
*
*
*
ONE SMART PIG
A travelling salesman came
upon an old farmer sitting on his porch, next to the farmer was a pig with only one leg.
The salesman was about to give his sales pitch when his curiosity got the best of him.
“Excuse me sir, but why does your pig only have one leg?” asked the salesman.
“Well sonny, I’ll tell ya. One day I was out plowing the back 40 when my tractor overturned, pinning me underneath. I was losing blood and thought I would die when that pig came running. He dug and rooted around with his nose till he got me out and he dragged me back to the house. Saved my life that pig did.”
“Wow, that’s really amazing,” said the salesman, “but I still don’t know why the pig only has one leg.”
“Well I’ll tell ya,” said the farmer. “One night me and the wife were asleep at about 3am when a fire broke out in the kitchen. Well that pig broke down the door, came into our bedroom waking us up and getting us out before the fire could get us, saved our lives that pig did!”
“Well that’s really great but why does the pig only have one leg?”
“Well sonny, when you get a pig that smart, you don’t want to eat him all at once.
*
*
*
*
THE EUROPEAN MONESTERY
There is a monastery in Europe perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air.
The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several old monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength.
Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.
One tourist got exceedingly nervous about half-way up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed
.
With a trembling voice he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.
The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, “Whenever it breaks.”
*
*
*
*
CONDOMS
One day President Bill Clinton call Prime Minister Chretien with an emergency, “Our largest condom factory has exploded!” the American President cried, “My peoples favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!”
“Chretien replies, “Bill, da Canadian pipple would be ‘appy to do anyt’ing wit’in der power to ‘elp you.”
“I need your help,: said Clinton. “Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms asap to tie us over?”
“Certainment” I get right on it!” said Chretien.
“Oh, and one more small favor, please?” asked Clinton.
“Oui?”
“Could the condoms be red, white, and blue in color and at least 10″ long and 4″ in diameter?”
“No problem,” replied the Prime Minister and, with that, Chretien hung up and called the president of Trojan.
“I need a favor, you gots to make 1,000,000 million condom right away and sen’ dem to Hamerica.”
“Consider it done,” said the president of Trojan.
“Great! Now lis’en, dey hab to be blue, blanc, et rouge in colour; at leas’ ten hinches long and four hinches in diameter.”
“Easily done. Anything else?”
“Yah,” said Chretien, “an’ print “MADE IN CANADA, SIZE SMALL” on each one”
*
*
*
*
A WHITE DOT
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting, and to relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Wally, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came.
Little Wally walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Wally had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
“It’s a period,” reported Wally.
“Well I can see that,” she said. “But what is so exciting about a period.”
“Damned if I know.” said Wally. “But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself
*
*
*
*
VASECTOMY
My doctor asked me “Is there anything you’d like to discuss?”
“Well” I said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.”
“That’s a big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?”
“Yes, we took a vote… and they’re in favor 15 to 2.”
*
*
*
*
CHICKEN WIRE
An old man in Mississippi is sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor’s kid walk by carrying something big under his arm. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
“Roll of chicken wire.” “What you gonna do with that?” …
“Gonna catch some chickens.”
“You damn fool! You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire!”
The boy just laughs and keeps walking. That evening at sunset, the boy comes walking by, dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
The next morning, the old man is out watching the sun rise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something in his hand. “Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
“Roll of duct tape.”
“What you gonna do with that?”
“Gonna catch me some ducks.”
“You damn fool! You can’t catch ducks with duct tape!”
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.That night around sunset the boy walks by, trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duct tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
The next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
”Hey boy, whatcha got there?”
“It’s a pussy willow.”
“Wait up kid… I’ll get my hat.”
*
*
*
*
BLONDE IN A SHOE STORE
A blonde walks into a shoe store and tries on a pair of shoes.
“How do they feel?” asks the salesclerk.
“Well, they feel a bit tight,” replies the blonde. The assistant promptly bends down and has a look at the shoes and the blonde’s feet.
“Try pulling the tongue out,” offers the clerk.
“Nath, theyth sthill feelth a bith tighth,” the blonde replies
*
*
*
*
THE NEW INDIAN CHIEF
It’s late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in South Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was an old chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old tribal secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’
‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded. So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’
‘Yes,’ the man at the weather service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’
The old chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. ‘Are you positive that the winter is going to be very cold?’
‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked. The weatherman replied, ‘The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy.’
*
*
*
*
FAMILY TREE OF VINCENT VAN GOGH
His dizzy aunt ——————————————————-Verti Gogh
The brother who ate prunes——————————-Gotta Gogh
The brother who worked at a convenience store —— Stop N Gogh
The grandfather from Yugoslavia —————————-U Gogh
His magician uncle ——————————-Where-diddy Gogh
His Mexican cousin ————————————-A Mee Gogh
The Mexican cousin’s American half-brother ———– Gring Gogh
The nephew who drove a stage coach ————– Wells-far Gogh
The constipated uncle —————————————–Can’t Gogh
The ballroom dancing aunt ——————————-Tang Gogh
The bird lover uncle ——————————— Flamin Gogh
An aunt who taught positive thinking ——————Way-to-Gogh
The little bouncy nephew ——————————– Poe Gogh
A sister who loved disco ———————————- Go Gogh
And his niece who travels the country in an RV — Winnie Bay Gogh
I saw you smiling :-)… there ya Gogh
*
*
*
*
HALUCINATION
A guy thought he was dead, but in reality he was very much alive.
His hallucination became a real problem for his family and they finally took him to see a psychiatrist.
After spending many laborious sessions trying to convince the guy he was still alive, the psychiatrist tried one last approach. He opened his medical book and proceeded to show the man that dead men don’t bleed.
After a mind-numbing study, the man seemed convince that dead men don’t bleed, and the psychiatrist asked: “Do you now agree that dead men don’t bleed?”
“Yes I do” the man replied.
“Very well, then,” the psychiatrist said. He took out a pin and pricked the man’s finger. Out came a drop of blood. The doctor asked. “What does that tell you?”
“Oh my goodness!” The patient exclaimed as he stared doubtfully at his finger…. “Dead men do bleed!!”
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WIFE DEFINED BY SOME GREAT PEOPLE
DavidBissonette
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
Sacha Guitry
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
Socrates
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Anonymous
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
Dumas
The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is, ‘What does a woman want?
Sigmund Freud
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
Anonymous
‘Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.’
Sam Kinison
‘There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than electronic banking. It’s called marriage.’
James Holt McGavran
‘I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me, and the second one didn’t.’
Anonymous
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
Nash
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
Anonymous
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
Henny Youngman
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
Rodney Dangerfield
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
Anonymous
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: ‘Wife wanted’. Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: ‘You can have mine.’
Anonymous
First Guy (proudly): ‘My wife’s an angel!’
Second Guy: ‘You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.’
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JESUS AND THE DEMOCRAT
A Republican, in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus sitting over there?”
The waitress nodded “yes,” so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.
The next patron to come in was a Libertarian, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, “Is that Jesus, over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, “My treat.”
The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, “Hey there honey! How’s about getting me a cold mug of Miller Light?” He too looked across the restaurant and asked, “Isn’t that God’s boy over there?”
The waitress nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. “On my bill,” he said loudly.
As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, “For your kindness, you are healed.” The Libertarian felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door.
Then, Jesus walked towards the Democrat, just smiling. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, “Don’t touch me …. I’m on disability.”
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CANADIAN BLONDE
As a North Bay trucker stops for a red light on Hwy.11; a Blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says, “Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly,”Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.
The trucker lowers the window. Again she says, “Hi, my Name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!”
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says…”Hi, my name is Kevin, it’s winter in CANADA , and I’m driving the SAND AND SALT TRUCK……….”
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DIVORCED BARBIE
Ralph is driving home one evening, when he suddenly realizes that it’s his daughter’s birthday and he hasn’t bought her a present. He drives to the mall, runs to the toy store, and says to the shop assistant, “How much is that Barbie in the window?”
In a condescending manner, she says, “Which Barbie?” She continues, “We have Barbie Goes to the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Nightclubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00.”
Ralph asks, “Why is the Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the others are only $19.95?”
“That’s obvious,” the saleslady says. “Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s house, Ken’s car, Ken’s boat, Ken’s furniture…”
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BAR ALLIGATOR
A guy walks into a bar with a 10 foot long alligator.
The bartender flips out and says, “Hey buddy, you gotta get that animal outta here. It’s going to bite one of my customers and I’ll get sued.”
The guy says, “No no, it’s a tame alligator. I’ll prove it to you.”
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he unzips his pants, pulls out his package and sticks it in the alligator’s mouth. The alligator just keeps his mouth open. After about 5 minutes, he pulls it out of the alligator’s mouth, zips up his pants, and says, “See, I told you it was a tame alligator. Anybody else want to try it?”
The drunk at the end of the bar says, “Yah, I’d like to try it but I don’t think I can hold my mouth open that long!”
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MACHO MAN RULES
A typical macho man married a typical good looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules.
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want, what time I want, and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table, unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card playing when I want with my old buddies, and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”
His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night, whether you’re here or not.”
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WOMEN RULE
Everyone says the world would be better off if it was run by women.
Sure, maybe there wouldn’t be violence and territorial conquests fueled by male testosterone.
But instead, we’d have a bunch of jealous countries that aren’t talking to each other.
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A ROMANIAN IMMIGRANT ARRIVES IN LONDON
A Romanian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, “Thank you Mr. Englishman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!”
The passerby says, “You are mistaken, I am Egyptian.”
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. “Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England.”
The person says, “I not English, I am Pakistani.”
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, “Thank you for wonderful country England!”
That person puts up his hand and says, “I am from Afghanistan. I am not British.”
He finally sees a nice lady and asks, “Are you an Englishwoman?”
She says, “No, I am from Africa.”
Puzzled, he asks her, “Where are all the English?”
The African lady checks her watch and says, “Probably at work.”
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LEROY OF DETROIT
In a Detroit church one Sunday morning, a preacher said, “Anyone with ‘special needs” who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar.”
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, “Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?”
Leroy replied, “Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing.”
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy’s ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy’s head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a “blue streak” for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, “Leroy, how is your hearing now?”
Leroy answered, ” I don’t know. It ain’t ’til Thursday.”
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TOP 12 REASONS FOR BEING CANADIAN
12. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
11. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
9. Kill Grizzly bears with huge frigging shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
8. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
7. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
6. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
1. It beats being an American.
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BLONDE CRUISE
A blonde sees a posting on a bulletin board that says, “Cruise — Only $5.”
She goes to the address on the back and hands the receptionist $5. The receptionist nods to a burly man reading a newspaper. He walks over to the blonde and knocks her unconscious.
The blonde wakes up tied to a log floating down river. To her right, she sees one of her blonde friends. “Do you think they’re going to serve food on this trip?” she asks.
The other blonde replies, “They didn’t last year.”
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E-MOONING
A new phenomenon called E-MOONING.
We all know those cute little computer symbols called ’emoticons,’ where:
🙂 means a smile and
😦 is a frown.
Well, how about some ‘ASSICONS?’
Here goes:
(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) an ass hole
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that’s been around
(_x_) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of his ass
(_?_) Dumb Ass
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LARYNGITIS
“What flavors of ice cream do you have?” inquired the customer.
“Vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate,” answered the new waitress in a hoarse whisper.
Trying to be sympathetic, the customer asked, “Do you have laryngitis?”
“No….” replied the new waitress with some effort, “just…um…. vanilla, strawberry, and chocolate.”
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HIND LICK MANEUVER
Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.
After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?’
The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks, ‘Kin ya breathe?’
The woman begins to turn blue, and shakes her head no.
The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt cheek a lick with his tongue.
The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm, and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. As she begins to breathe again, the Hillbilly walks slowly back to his table.
His partner says, ‘Ya know, I’d heerd of that there ‘Hind Lick Maneuver’ but I ain’t niver seed nobody do it!
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A STAR TREK STORY …………
The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby of the convention center where he was introduced to a U.S. Marine General.
As they talked, the Iranian said, “I have just one question about what I have seen in America.”
The General said, “Well, anything I can do to help?”
The Iranian whispered, “My son watches this show called ‘Star Trek’ and in it there is… Kirk who is Canadian, Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is black, And Sulu who is Japanese, but there are NO Muslims.
My son is very upset and doesn’t understand why there aren’t any Iranians, Iraqis, Afghans, Egyptians, Palestinians, Saudis, Syrians, or Pakistanis on ‘Star Trek’.
“The General leaned toward the Iranian Ambassador, and whispered in his ear, “That’s because it takes place in the future…”
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OLD COUPLE
A wife asked her husband, “Honey, will you still love me when I am old and overweight?”
The man replied, “Yes, I do.”
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MARRIAGE RING
Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
engagement ring, wedding ring,
and suffering.
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THREE BLONDES
Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.
The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, “So y’all want to be cops, huh?”
The blondes all nodded.
The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture, and said,
“To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth.”
So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds. “Now…,” He said, “did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?”
The blonde immediately said, The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them
and said, “Yes, I did. He has only one eye!”
The detective shook his head and said, “Of course he has only one eye in this picture!
It’s a profile of his face! You’re dismissed!”
The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said,
“What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?” “Yes”, she said, “He only has one ear!”
The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, “Didn’t you hear what I just told the other lady?
This is a profile of the man’s face! Of course you can only see one ear! You’re excused too!”
The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, “This is probably a waste of time, but”
He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying,
“All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man?”
The blonde said, “I sure did. This man wears contact lenses”.
The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder. He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said,
“You’re absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts!
How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture?”
The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
“Well, Helloooooo honey!! …With only, one eye and one ear, he certainly can’t wear glasses.”
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11 MINUTES
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot. He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look. Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine. He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, knitting.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver’s window.
The young man lowers his window . “Uh, yes, officer?”
The cop says: “What are you doing?”
The young man says: “Well, Officer, I’m reading a magazine.”
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: “And her, what is she doing?”
The young man shrugs: “Sir, I believe she’s knitting a pullover sweater.”
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple. Alone, in a car, at night in a Lover’s lane….and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: “What’s your age, young man?”
The young man says : “I’m 22, sir.”
The cop asks: “And her what’s her age?”
The young man looks at his watch and replies: ” She’ll be 18 in 11 minutes.”
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HOW COLD IS IT?
There were these three Eskimos in the Canadian Territory of Nunavit, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were.
They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.
They went to the first Eskimo’s igloo, where he said “Watch this!” and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor.
“Not bad” said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.
So they went to the second Eskimo’s igloo, and he said “Watch this!” and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.
“Wow, that’s colder than mine! “said the first Eskimo. But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo’s igloo.
He said “Watch this!” and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went “FFFAAAARRRRTTT”. He won.
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BLONDE’S BOSS
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.
“Hey girls,” says the brunette, “Let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”
The next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss!
She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.
Next day, “That was fun,” says the brunette. “We should do it again sometime.”
“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught!”
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HAPPY ENDING
Some friends of mine and I were making out our bucket lists… The conversation turned to who would do the craziest thing on the lists …..so I volunteered to go to an Asian Massage parlor and get a happy ending.
I took a hundred bucks out of the ATM… drove to the nearest massage parlor, walked in and told the manager. ” Look lady, I am 40 years old… and I just made out my bucket list… this place is on it and I want a happy ending. Show me a happy ending”
She took my hundred bucks…walked out to her car….drove to my mother in laws house and shot her in the head.
Best Happy Ending Ever!
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ORGANIZATIONS
An organization is like a tree full of monkeys, all on different limbs at different levels.
The monkeys on top look down and see a tree full of smiling faces.
The monkeys on the bottom look up and see nothing but assholes.
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DO ANYTHING
A man is sitting at a bar enjoying a cocktail when an exceptionally gorgeous, sexy, young woman enters. The man can’t stop staring at her.
The young woman notices this and walks directly toward him. Before he could offer his apologies for being so rude, the young woman says to him, “I’ll do anything you want me to do, no matter how kinky, for $100, with one condition.”
Flabbergasted, the man asks what the condition is.
The young woman replies, “You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.”
The man considers her proposition for a moment, withdraws his wallet from his pocket, and hands the woman five $20 bills. He looks deeply into her eyes and slowly says, “Paint my house.”
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BANFF PARK TOURISTS
Here are some of the “All Time Dumbest Questions Asked by Banff Park Tourists” Yes, they’re ALL TRUE, as heard at the information kiosks manned by Parks Canada staff!
On nature…
* Is that food coloring in the lakes?
* When did you build the glaciers?
* How much for a moose?
* Where are the igloos?
* How do the elk know they’re supposed to cross at the “Elk Crossing” signs?
* At what elevation does an elk become a moose?
* Tourist: “How do you pronounce ‘Elk’ ?” Park Information Staff: ” ‘Elk’ ” Tourist: “Oh”
* Are the bears with collars tame?
* Is there anywhere I can see the bears pose?
* Is it okay to keep an open bag of bacon on the picnic table, or should I store it in my tent?
* Where can I find Alpine Flamingos?
* I saw an animal on the way to Banff today – could you tell me what it was?
* Are there birds in Canada?
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On geography…
* Did I miss the turnoff for Canada? (while standing in the middle of Banff!)
* Where does Alberta end and Canada begin?
* Do you have a map of the State of Jasper?
* Is this the part of Canada that speaks French, or is that Saskatchewan?
* If I go to B.C., do I have to go through Ontario?
* Which is the way to the Columbia Ricefields?
* How far is Banff from Canada?
* What’s the best way to see Canada in a day?
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On tourist facilities…
* Do they search you at the B.C. border?
* When we enter B.C. do we have to convert our money to British pounds?
* Where can I buy a raccoon hat? ALL Canadians own one don’t they?
* Are there phones in Banff?
* So it’s eight kilometers away… is that in miles? We’re on the decibel system you know.
* Where can I get my husband really, REALLY, lost??
* Is that 2 kilometers by foot or by car?
* Don’t you Canadians know anything?
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WOMEN IN HEAVEN
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How’d you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn’t so bad…. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn’t look in the freezer—we’d both still be alive
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TEN REASONS WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN
1) BIBLE
A little boy opened the big family Bible. He was fascinated as he fingered through the old pages. Suddenly, something fell out of the Bible. He picked up the object and looked at it. What he saw was an old leaf that had been pressed in between the pages.
“Mama, look what I found,” the boy called out.
“What have you got there, dear?”
With astonishment in the young boy’s voice, he answered, “I think it’s Adam’s underwear!”
2) OPINIONS
On the first day of school, a first-grader handed his teacher a note from his mother.
The note read, “The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents.”
3) KETCHUP
A woman was trying hard to get the ketchup out of the jar. During her struggle the phone rang so she asked her 4-year-old daughter to answer the phone.
“Mommy can’t come to the phone to talk to you right now. She’s hitting the bottle.”
4) MORE NUDITY
A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.
The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter, haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”
5) POLICE # 2
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking, and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
“Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.
“It sure is,” I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then towards the back of the van.
Finally he said, ” What’d he do?”
6) ELDERLY
While working for an organization that delivers lunches to elderly shut-ins, I used to take my 4-year-old daughter on my afternoon rounds. She was unfailingly intrigued by the various appliances of old age, particularly the canes, walkers and wheelchairs
.
One day I found her staring at a pair of false teeth soaking in a glass.
As I braced myself for the inevitable barrage of questions, she merely turned and whispered, “The tooth fairy will never believe this!”
7) DRESS-UP
A little girl was watching her parents dress for a party. When she saw her dad donning his tuxedo, she warned, “Daddy, you shouldn’t wear that suit.”
“And why not, darling?”
“You know that it always gives you a headache the next morning. ”
8) DEATH
While walking along the sidewalk in front of his church, our minister heard the intoning of a prayer that nearly made his collar wilt.
Apparently, his 5-year-old son and his playmates had found a dead robin. Feeling that proper burial should be performed, they had secured a small box and cotton batting, then dug a hole and made ready for the disposal of the deceased.
The minister’s son was chosen to say the appropriate prayers and with sonorous dignity intoned his version of what he thought his father always said: “Glory be unto the Faaaather, and unto the Sonnn, and into the hole he gooooes.”
9) SCHOOL
A little girl had just finished her first week of school.
“I’m just wasting my time,” she said to her mother . “I can’t read, I can’t write and they won’t let me talk!”
10) NUDITY
A lady was driving with her three young children one warm summer evening when a woman in the convertible ahead of us stood up and waved. She was stark without clothes!
As she was reeling from the shock, she heard her 5-year-old shout from the back seat,
“Mom! That lady isn’t wearing a seat belt!”
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BLONDE IN DISGUISE
Tired of constant blonde jokes, a blonde dyes her hair brown. She then goes for a drive in the country and sees a shepherd herding his sheep across the road.
“Hey, shepherd, if I guess how many sheep are here, can I keep one?”
The shepherd is puzzled but agrees. She blurts out “352!”
He is stunned but keeps his word and allows her to pick a sheep.
“I’ll take this one,” she says proudly. “It’s the cutest!”
“Hey lady,” says the shepherd, “if I guess your real hair color, can I have my dog back?”
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NEXT FARMHOUSE
I’m sure you’ve all heard about the traveling salesman whose car became disabled in the middle of nowhere.
It took him several hours to make it to the nearest farm house, he finally reached their front door and knocked on it.
A grizzled old farmer answered, and the salesman pleaded for a place to spend the night.
“Why sure young fella, I can give you a place to bunk.” said the hospitable old man. “But I ain’t got no daughter for you to sleep with, like you always hear about them in jokes.”
“Oh !” said the salesman. Then thinking a moment or two he asked, “How far is it to the next farmhouse ?”
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BLONDE DIET
There was blonde who wanted to go on a diet. She went to the doctor and asked for his advice.
He said that she was going to go on a diet for three days, “Eat anything and everything you want for the first two days of your diet. Then skip the third day.”
So the blonde went home and ate anything and everything she wanted for the first two days, then she skipped the third day.
The next day she went back to the doctor and he asked her, “How is your diet?”
She said, “Well, the first two days were easy but that third day was hard. Doing all that skipping made me really tired.”
*
*
*
*
ALWAYS BEEN A DOUBT
A man is talking to his best friend about married life.
“You know,” he says, “I really trust my wife, and I think she has always been faithful to me. But there’s always that doubt.”
His friend says, “Yeah, I know what you mean.”
A couple of weeks later the man has to go out of town on business. Before he goes, he gets together with his friend.
“While I’m away, could you do me a favor? Could you watch my house and see if there is anything fishy going on? I mean, I trust my wife but there’s always that doubt.”
The friend agrees to help out, and the man leaves town.
Two weeks later he comes back and meets his friend.
“So did anything happen?”
“I have some bad news for you,” says the friend.
“The day after you left I saw a strange car pull up in front of your house. The horn honked and your wife ran out and got into the car and they drove away. Later, after dark, the car came back. I saw your wife and a strange man get out. They went into the house and I saw a light go on, so I ran over and looked in the window. Your wife was kissing the man. Then he took off his shirt. Then she took off her blouse. Then they turned off the light.”
“Then what happened?” says the man.
“I don’t know. It was too dark to see.”
“Damn, you see what I mean? There’s always that doubt.”
*
*
*
*
SHIP SINKS & A GENIE APPEARS
Two ships were sailing across the Atlantic. They collide and the crews are lost except for one Canadian sailor from each ship. The two sailors are marooned on a life boat.
After three days, the sailors are very thirsty and have nothing to drink.
After another day, a bottle floats alongside the life boat. One of the Canadian sailors opens the bottle and a Genie magically appears.
The Genie says, “I’m a Magic Genie, but I’m only giving you one wish because you opened the bottle without rubbing it first”
The first Canadian says, “I wish the ocean was Labatt Blue beer.”
Suddenly the entire ocean is beer.
The second Canadian says, “Oh great, now we have to pee in the boat.”
*
*
*
*
AN EAST INDIAN VS A PAKISTANI
There was once an East Indian and a Pakistani who lived next door to each other. The East Indian owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen’s eggs for breakfast.
One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Pakistani’s garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Pakistani pick up the egg. The Indian ran up to the Pakistani and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Pakistani disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.
They argued for a while until finally the East Indian said, “In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up, whoever gets up quicker wins the egg.”
The Pakistani agreed to this and so the Indian found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Pakistani and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Pakistani fell to the floor clutching his nuts howling in agony for 30 minutes.
Eventually the Pakistani stood up and said, “Now it’s my turn to kick you.”
The East Indian said, “Never mind, keep the egg!”
*
*
*
*
ANIMAL INSTINCTS
A woman is very distressed because she has not been married very long and yet her husband has lost interest in sex. So she goes to see her doctor and relays the problem.
The doctor doesn’t seem worried at all and tells her that it is nothing serious and her husband has merely lost his animal instincts.
The doctor tells her to crumble some dog biscuits on her husband’s cereal every morning without telling him, and little by little this will bring out the savage beast in him. He wishes her good luck and tells her to come back in a week with a progress report.
A week later the woman returns to the doctor, who asks how her husband is.
“He’s dead,” she replies.
“Dead?” the doctor asked.
“Yes. He was sitting in the driveway licking his balls, and I backed over him with the car.”
*
*
*
*
GOOD MEDICAL ADVICE
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health,
but it’s harmful if done every day.
2. F***ing relaxes your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don’t eat too much;
go for more liquids.
5. Try F***ing in bed cause it can
save you valuable energy.
6. F***ing can even reduce
your cholesterol levels.
SO, REMEMBER,
Fasting Is Good For Health
&
May The Good Lord Cleanse Your Dirty Mind
*
*
*
*
YOUR HORSE CALLED
A man was sitting reading his paper when his wife hit him in the head with a frying pan.
“What was that for?” ,the man asked.
The wife replied, “That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket”.
The man said, “When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on”
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
She replied “Your horse called”.
*
*
*
*
SMILES FROM KIDS
A grade one teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.
It’s hard to believe these were actually done by grader one kids (“6 ” year-olds),
Don’t bite the hand that — looks dirty.
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll — stink in the morning.
No news is — impossible.
You can’t teach an old dog new — maths.
Love all, trust — me.
The pen is mightier than the — pigs.
Where there’s smoke there’s — pollution.
A penny saved is — not much.
Two’s company, three’s — the Musketeers.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and — you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as — Stevie Wonder.
When the blind leadeth the blind — get out of the way.
*
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*
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AIR FORCE ONE AND THE FARMER
Air Force One crashed in the middle of rural America.
Panic stricken, the Secret Service mobilized and descended on the farm in force. When they got there, the wreckage was clear.
The aircraft was totally destroyed, with only a burned hulk left smoldering in a tree line that bordered a farm. Secret Service descended upon the smoking hulk but could find no remains of the crew or the President’s staff.
To their amazement, a lone farmer was plowing a field not too far away as if nothing at all happened. They hurried over to surround the man’s actor.
“Sir,” the senior Secret Service agent asked, panting and out of breath. “Did you see this terrible accident happen?”
“Yep. Sure did.” The man muttered unconcernedly.
“Do you realize that is the President of the United States’ airplane?”
“Yep.”
“Were there any survivors?” the agent gasped.
“Nope. They’s all kilt straight out.” The farmer sighed cutting of his tractor motor. “I done buried them all myself. Took most of the morning.”
“The President of the United States is DEAD?” The agent gulped in disbelief.
“Yep, he kept a-saying he wasn’t … but you know what a liar he is!”
*
*
*
*
SOME REALLY COOL DEFINITIONS
Life Insurance:
A contract that keeps you poor all your life so that you can die Rich.
Nurse:
A person who wakes you up to give you sleeping pills.
Marriage:
It’s an agreement in which a man loses his bachelor degree and a woman gains her masters.
Divorce:
Future tense of Marriage.
Tears:
The hydraulic force by which masculine willpower is defeated by feminine waterpower
Lecture:
An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through the minds of either
Conference:
The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
Conference Room:
A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.
Compromise:
The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
Dictionary:
A place where success comes before work.
Father:
A banker provided by nature.
Criminal:
A guy no different from the rest….except that he got caught.
Boss:
Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
Politician:
One who shakes your hand before elections and your Confidence after.
Classic:
Books, which people praise, but do not read.
Smile:
A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
Office:
A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.
Yawn:
The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
Etc.:
A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.
Committee:
Individuals who can do nothing individually and sit to decide that nothing can be done together.
Experience:
The name men give to their mistakes.
*
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*
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SENIOR LEMON PICKER
Sally Mullihan of Coral Springs , Florida decided to take one of the jobs that most Americans are not willing to do.
The woman applying for a job in a Florida lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She had a liberal arts degree from the University of Michigan and had worked as a social worker and school teacher.
The foreman frowned and said, “I have to ask you, have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?”
“Well, as a matter of fact, I have! I’ve been divorced three times, owned 2 Fords and voted for Obama.”
*
*
PHILSOPHY
This is a deceptively simple philosophy that I have been working on and refining for most of my life.
I am delighted to say that I believe I have refined it down to its essence – sufficiently enough to share it with you so that may appreciate its elegance and simplicity.
*
*
TAKE MY ASS TO JAIL
A Tennessee State trooper pulled a car over on I-24 about 2 miles east of the Alabama/Tennessee State line.
When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Chattanooga to do a show at the Shrine Circus & he didn’t want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling acts and told the driver if he would do a little juggling for him he wouldn’t give him a ticket.
He told the trooper he had sent his equipment on ahead and didn’t have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.
The juggler said he could, so the trooper got out 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good ol’ boy from Alabama got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.
The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door & asked the drunk what he thought he was doing………
The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail,….. cause there ain’t no way I can pass that test.”
*
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*
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FAMILY PROBLEMS
Two men, one American and an East Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American, ‘You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven’t even met once.’ We call this arranged marriage. I don’t want to marry a woman whom I don’t love… I told them that openly and now have a hell lot of family problems.’
The American said, talking about love marriages… I’ll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years. ‘After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and married her, so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father’s father-in-law.
Legally now my daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother.
More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father’s brother and so he is my uncle.
Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father’s son, my brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you think you have family problems…
*
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*
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HAIRCUT BEFORE A TRIP
A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber who responded, “Rome? Why would anyone want to go there?
It’s crowded & dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome.
So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got a great rate!”
“TWA?” exclaimed the barber. “That’s a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late.
So, where are you staying in Rome?”
“We’ll be at the downtown International Marriott.”
“That dump! That’s the worst hotel in the city. The rooms are small, the service is surly and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?”
“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”
“That’s rich,” laughed the barber. “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”
A month later, the man again came in for his regular haircut. The barber asked him about his trip to Rome.
“It was wonderful,” explained the man, “not only were we on time in one of TWA’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old stewardess who waited on me hand and foot.
And the hotel-it was great! They’d just finished a $25 million remodeling job and now it’s the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!”
“Well,” muttered the barber, “I know you didn’t get to see the pope.”
“Actually, we were quite lucky, for as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait the pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later the pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.”
“Really?” asked the Barber. “What’d he say?”
He said, “Where’d you get the shitty haircut?
*
*
*
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LARD TUNDERIN’
LARD TUNDERIN’ Jaysus b’y
A Newfoundlander living in Toronto decided to visit the Scarborough zoo.
While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person’s age.
The trainer had the elephant look at a small boy.
The elephant stamped its foot 9 times.
“Is that right?” he asked the boy. “Oh yes”, said the boy.
The Newfie was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms.
Finally, the trainer could take it no longer, and offered to bet the Newfie that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age.
The Newfie accepted the wager.
The elephant looked very closely at the skeptic, then turned around, raised his tail and broke wind like you wouldn’t believe. Then he turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
The Newfie stumbled back, amazed, and with a sound of disbelief in his voice, cried,
“Lard tunderin’ Jaysus b’y, he’s right!!!! I’m farty-two!”
*
*
*
*
I LOVE IT…
A woman has sued her local hospital, saying that after her husband was recently treated, he has lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied: “The man was admitted in Ophthalmology — all we did was correct his eyesight.”
*
*
CHAMPIONSHIP RINGS
Some sports ‘World championship rings’ are so diamond-encrusted, they’re worth more than the price of a home with diamonds galore.
Here are a few examples of championship rings from baseball, football, and hockey!
.
Philadelphia Phillies
.
Pittsburgh Penguins
.
Pittsburgh Steelers
.
Toronto Maple Leafs
*
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*
BLONDES IN A CONVERTIBLE
Two blondes were shopping at the mall. When they were done, they went out to their car, which happened to be an awesome leather-interior convertible, but they realized they had locked the keys in the car. So they both kind of stood there and thought for a while.
Then one of the girls had the bright idea to try to open the car with a coat hanger, so she started fiddling with the lock. The other blonde looked up at the sky, became very worried, and pleaded,
“HURRY, HURRY, IT’S GOING TO RAIN AND WE LEFT THE TOP DOWN!”
*
*
*
*
GROWING WILD
Here is this guy who really takes care of his body; he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day.
One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it.
He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the dand except for the one part sticking out.
Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says, “There really is no justice in this world.”
The other little old lady says, “What do you mean?”
The first little old lady says, “Look at that.”
“When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.”
“When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.”
“When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.”
“When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.”
“When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.”
“When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.”
“When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.”
“And now that I’m 80, the damned things are growing wild!!”
*
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9 THINGS I HATE
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time…I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours?
********
People who search the entire room for the TV remote because they refuse to walk to the TV and change the channel manually.
********
3. When people say “Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too”. Damn
right! What good is cake if you can’t eat it?
********
4. When people say “it’s always the last place you look”. Of course it is.
Why the hell would you keep looking after you’ve found it?
********
5. When people say while watching a film “did you see that?” No Loser, I
Paid money to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
********
6. People who ask “Can I ask you a question?”…. Didn’t really give me a
choice there, did ya sunshine?
********
7. When something is ‘new and improved!’ Which is it? If it’s new, then
there has never been anything before it. If it’s an improvement, then there
must have been something before it, couldn’t be new.
********
8. When people say “life is short”. What the hell?? Life is the longest damn
thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that’s longer?
********
9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks “Has the bus come yet?” If the bus came would I be standing here?
*********
*
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BAAAD NEWS
Doctor: I have good news and bad news.
Patient: Go with the good news first.
Doctor: You have 24 hours to live.
Patient: What!?! How about the bad news?
Doctor: Um… I forgot to tell you yesterday.
*
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WHO BREWS?
Who should brew Coffee ?
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee”.
The husband said, ” You are in charge of the cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”
Wife replies, “No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”
Husband replies, ” I can’t believe that, show me.”
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says:
“HEBREWS”
*
*
*
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TWO WONDERFUL HOURS
Did you hear about the fellow that was talking to his buddy, when he said, “I don’t know what to get my wife for her birthday. She has everything, and besides, she can afford to buy anything she wants. So, I’m stumped.”
His buddy said, “I have an idea. Why don’t you make up a certificate that says she can have two hours of great sex, any way she wants it. She’ll probably be thrilled!” So the first fella did just that.
The next day his buddy asked, “Well, did you take my suggestion? How did it turn out?”
“She loved it. She jumped up, thanked me, kissed me on the mouth, and ran out the door yelling, ‘I’ll see you in two hours’.”
*
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*
*
MY NAME IS BOB AND I AM CANADIAN
I am a minority in Vancouver, Banff, and every casino in this country. I was born in 1972, yet I am responsible for some Native’s great great grandfather who screwed himself out of his land in the 1800’s.
I pay import tax on cars made in Ontario.
I am allowed to skydive and smoke, but not allowed to drive without a seat belt.
All the money I make up until mid-July must go to paying taxes.
I live and work among people who believe Americans are ignorant. These same people cannot name this country’s new Territory.
Although I am sometimes forced to live on Kraft Dinner and don’t have a pot to piss in, I sleep well knowing that I’ve helped purchase a nice six figure home in Vancouver for some unskilled Chinese refugee.
Although they are unpatriotic and constantly try to separate, Quebec still provides my nation’s Prime Ministers.
95% of my nation’s international conflicts are over fish.
I’m supposed to call black people African Canadians, although I’m sure none of them have ever been to Africa, or east of Halifax for that matter.
I believe that paying a 200% tax on alcohol is fair. I believe that same tax on gasoline is also fair.
Even if I have no idea what happened to that old rifle my grandfather gave me when I was 14, I will be considered a criminal if I don’t register it.
I DO know Jeff from Toronto.
I often badmouth the United States, and then vacation there three times a year.
I’m led to believe that some lazy ass unionized broom pusher who makes $30 an hour is underpaid and therefore must go on strike, but paying $10 an hour to someone who works 12 hour shifts at forty below on an oil rig is fair.
I believe that paying $30 million for 3 stripes (The Voice of Fire) by the National Art Gallery was a good purchase, even though 99% of this country didn’t want it, or will ever see it.
When I look at my pay stub and realize that I take home a third of what I actually make, I say “Oh well, at least we have better health care than the Americans”.
I must bail out farmers when their crops are too wet or too dry, because I control the rain.
My National Anthem has versions in both official languages, and I don’t know either of them.
Canada is the highest taxed nation in North America, the biggest military buffer for the United States, and the number one destination for fleeing boat people.
I am not an angry white male. I am an angry broke taxpayer. My name is Bob, and I am Canadian.
*
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WHO’S FASTEST
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging of how great their fathers are.
The first one says, “Well, my father runs the fastest. He can fire an arrow, and start to run, I tell you, he gets there before the arrow.”
The second boy says, “Ha! You think that’s fast! My father is a hunter. He can shoot his gun and be there before the bullet!”
The third one listens to the other two and shakes his head. He then says, “You two know nothing about speed. My father works in the Govt department. He stops working at 5:00 and he is home by 3:45!!”
*
*
*
*
BLONDE – CONTRACTOR
There was a woman who wanted to repaint her house, so she called the contractor and set an appointment to meet with him.
When the contractor came to her house they did a walk-through and he asked her what colors she would like. They came to the living room and she told him that she would like a nice, warm cream color. The contractor wrote something down on his pad, then walked to the window and yelled, ”Greenside up.”
The lady is a little confused, but doesn’t say anything, and they continue to the dining room where she tells him, ”I would like a nice warm white in here, nothing stark.”
The contractor writes something down on his pad, then walks to the window and again yells, ”Greenside up!”
The lady is really confused now but still does not say anything. They continue to her bedroom and she says, ”I would like a nice, cool, relaxing blue in here.” The contractor writes something on his pad and again walks to the window and yells, ”Greenside up.”
The woman is now totally perplexed and says to the contractor, ”Three times I have told you the color that I want, and you write something on your pad, then you walk to the window and yell greenside up. What is going on?”
The contractor replies, ”You see, I have four blondes laying sod across the street.”
*
*
*
*
AFTER THE OFFICE PARTY
John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.
After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
“Louise,” he moaned, “tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?”
“Even worse,” she said, her voice oozing scorn. “You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face.”
“He’s an asshole,” John said. “Piss on him.”
“You did,” came the reply. “And he fired you.”
“Well, screw him!” said John.
“I did. You’re back at work on Monday.
*
*
*
*
NURSING HOME CHIT CHAT
At a nursing home in Florida, a group of senior citizens were sitting around talking about their aches and pains.
“My arms are so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one.
“I know what you mean. My cataracts are so bad I can’t even see my coffee,” replied another.
“I can’t turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a third, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
“My blood pressure pills make me dizzy,” another contributed.
“I guess that’s the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
Then there was a short moment of silence.
“Well, it’s not that bad,” said one woman cheerfully. “Thank God we can all still drive.”
*
*
*
*
A BLIND MAN AND HIS DOG
A blind man was waiting to cross the road when his guide dog peed on his leg. He reached into his pocket and took out a biscuit for the dog.
A passer by who’d seen everything remarked: “That’s very tolerant of you after what he just did.”
“Not really,” came the reply. “I’m just finding out where his mouth is, so I can kick his butt.”
*
*
*
*
HORSE PULLED OVER BY COP
An Amish lady is riding down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop.
“Ma’am, I’m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy.”
“Oh, I’ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home.”
“Another thing, ma’am. I don’t like the way that one rein loops across the horse’s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That’s cruelty to animals.”
Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop.
“Well, dear, what exactly did he say?”
“He said the reflector is broken.”
“I can fix that in two minutes. What else?”
“I’m not sure, Jacob … something about the emergency brake…”
*
*
*
*
TRASH HUBBY
A woman and her lover are having sex. Someone knocks on the door.
“It must be my husband! No problem, I’ll handle this.”
She grabs the trash bin, opens the door and smiling sweetly says to her husband, “Darling, please, empty the trash.”
While he is out, the other man escapes and walks back home.
He is thinking: “She is sooo smart, unlike my wife.”
He comes up to his door, knocks, his wife opens, smiles to him and says, “Darling, please, empty the trash.”
He is carrying the basket and thinking, “ What a stupid bitch! The whole friggin’ day at home, and she can’t find the time to empty the trash!”
*
*
*
*
AN HOUR OF PLEASURE
The Dean of Women at an exclusive girls’ school was lecturing her students on sexual morality.
“We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation,” she said, “ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?”
A young woman rose in the back of the room and said, “Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?”
*
*
*
*
CANADIAN ELEPHANT
Every nation in attendance at the International Symposium On Elephants had to deliver a report on Elephants.
France’s report: “The Love Life of an Elephant.”
America saw the economic values in: “Raising Elephants For Fun And Profit.”
Great Britain had their own unique view: “The Elephant and the British Empire.”
The Canadian report was typically Canadian… “The Elephant: A Federal or Provincial Responsibility?”
*
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EUROPEAN TERROR STATUS UPDATE
British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent bombings and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” Londoners have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was during the great fire of 1666.
Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Surrender” and “Collaborate.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.
It’s not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
*
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BLONDE CONFUSION
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Tell her a blonde joke.
BLONDE’S BAD DAY
Q: How can you tell a blonde is having a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she can’t find her cigarette.
*
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HOW MANY WOMEN?
After three years of marriage, Kim was still questioning her husband about his lurid past.
“C’mon, tell me, “she asked for the thousandth time, “how many women have you slept with?”
“Baby,” he protested, “if I told you, you’d throw a fit”.
Kim promised she wouldn’t get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.
“Okay,” he said, “One, two, three, four, five, six, seven – then there’s you – nine, ten, 11, 12, 13…”
*
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BIG GAME HUNTER
A big-game hunter went on safari with his wife and mother-in-law. One evening, while still deep in the jungle, the wife awoke to find her mother gone. Rushing to her husband, she insisted on them both trying to find her mother.
The hunter picked up his rifle, took a swig of whiskey, and started to look for her.
In a clearing not far from the camp, they came upon a chilling sight: the mother-in-law was backed up against a thick, impenetrable bush, and a large male lion stood facing her.
The wife cried, “What are we going to do?”
“Nothing,” said the hunter-husband. “That lion got himself into this mess; let him get himself out of it.”
*
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CONFUSED?
I become confused when I hear the word “Service ” used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue ‘Service’
Postal ‘Service’
Cable TV ‘Service’
Civil ‘Service’
Federal, State, City, & Public ‘Service’
Customer ‘Service’
This is NOT what I thought ‘Service’ meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had bought a bull to ‘Service’ his cows.
BAM !!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.
*
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ABSTINENCE
Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went.
The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.
Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint.
“Can of PAINT!” exclaimed the minister.
“Yeah,” said the newlywed man. “She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over.”
The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church.
“That’s okay,” said the man. “We’re not welcome in Home Depot anymore either.”
*
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EXCERPTS FROM A CANADIAN DIARY
Manitoba – Canada’s Winter Wonderland
Aug 12
Moved to our new home in Winnipeg. It is so beautiful here. The prairies are so vast, can hardly wait to see the fields covered with snow. Love it here.
Oct 14
Winnipeg is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves are all turned different colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful farmland and saw some Deer. They are so graceful, certainly the most beautiful creature on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here.
Nov 11
Deer season starts soon. I can’t imagine anyone wanting to kill such a beautiful creature. Hope it will snow soon.
Dec 02
It snowed last night. Woke up to find it blanketed in white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won) and when the snow plough came by, we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Winnipeg.
Dec 12
More snow last night. I love it, the snow plough did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.
Dec 19
More snow last night. Couldn’t get out of the driveway to get to work. I am exhausted shoveling snow. F**cking snow plough!
Dec 22
More of that white shit fell last night. I’ve got blisters on my hands from shoveling. I think that snow plough hides around the curve and waits until I’m done shoveling the driveway. Asshole!
Dec 25
Merry F**cking Christmas!! More friggen snow. If I ever get my hands on that son of a ***** who drives that snow plough, I swear I’ll kill the bastard. Don’t know why they don’t use more salt on the roads to melt the friggen snow.
Dec 27
More white shit last night. Been inside for 3 days, except for shoveling out the driveway every time the snow plough goes by. Can’t go anywhere, car’s stuck in a mountain of white shit. The weatherman says to expect another 10″ of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10″ is?
Dec 28
The G D weatherman was wrong. We got 34″ of that white shit this time! At this rate it won’t melt before next summer. The snow plough got stuck up the road and that bastard came to the door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him how I had broken six shovels already shoveling all the **** he pushed into my driveway, I broke my last shovel over his f**king head.
Jan 04
Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back, a friggin deer ran out in front of the car and I hit it. Did about $3,000 damage to the car.
Those friggin beasts should be killed. Wish the hunters had killed them all last November.
May 03
Moved to Alberta. I can’t imagine anyone in their right mind would ever live in Manitoba.
*
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NEED HELP
I’m reaching out because a friend of mine needs some help !!!!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he’s looking for a place to live.
Can you help him ?
*
*
How do you know when it is time to hang up the car keys? I’d say when your dog has this look on his face!
*
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LIFETIME SAVING
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23.
The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman.
But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life.
She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, “Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you’ve been wrestling an alligator!”
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, “Ohhh God! He told me he’d been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!”
*
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SHOPLIFTING BY A WIFE
An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting When she went before the judge in Cincinnati he asked her, “What did you steal?”
She replied, “A can of peaches.”
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and she replied that she was hungry. The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied 6.
The judge then said, “I will then give you 6 days in jail then.”
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman’s husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, “What is it?”
The husband said, “She also stole a can of peas.”
*
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AN ENGINEER IN HELL
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates.
St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer, you’re in the wrong place.”
So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, the engineer is becoming a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Devil up on the telephone and asks with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Devil replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, lets see what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake “he should never have gone down there, send him up here.”
Devil says, “No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Devil laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah right and just where are you going to get a lawyer up there?”.
*
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*
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NEWFIE WINS AT TIM HORTONS
A Newfoundlander goes into a Tom Horton’s in Gander, NL and notices there’s a “Roll Up The Rim To Win” Contest going on.
So, he rolls it up and starts screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
The girl at the counter says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a car.”
But he keeps on screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
Finally, the manager comes over and says, “I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken. You couldn’t have possibly won a motor home because we didn’t have that as a prize!”
He says, “No, it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motor home!”
The Newfoundlander hands the cup to the manager and HE reads: “W I N A B A G E L
*
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*
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NEED HELP
I’m reaching out because a friend of mine needs some help !!!!
His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.
When he came back, he tossed her some diet pills.
Anyway, he’s looking for a place to live.
Can you help him ?
*
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ALTERNATIVE MEDICAL TERMS
Benign: what you are after you was eight
Artery: the study of painting
Bacteria: back door of cafeteria
Coma: a punctuation mark
Dilate: to live long
Enema: not a friend
Post operative : a letter carrier
Seizure: roman emperor
Tablet: a small table
Urine: the opposite of “you are out”..
Morbid: a higher offer than I bid
*
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CONFUSING BLONDE
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You put her in a round room and tell her to sit in a corner.
Q: How does a blonde confuse you?
A: She comes out and says she did.
*
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OFF TO VEGAS
A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.
‘Just where the heck do you think you’re going!’, said the man.
‘I’m going to Las Vegas’, said the wife, ‘I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!
‘The man said, ‘Wait a minute!’, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.
‘Where the heck are you going?’, said the wife.
The man said, ‘I want to see how you’re gonna live on $800 a year!’
*
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TOUR OF HELL
A man dies and goes to hell. There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.
He goes to the German hell and asks,
“What do they do here?”
He was told,” First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.
Then the German devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.”
The man does not like the sound of that at all, so he moves on.
He checks out the USA hell as well as the Russian hell and many more.
He discovers that they are all more or less the same as the German hell.
Then he comes to the East Indian hell and finds that there is a long line of people waiting to get in.
Amazed, he asks, “What do they do here?”
He was told, “First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the Indian devil comes in and beats you for the rest of the day.”
“But that is exactly the same as all the other hells – why are there so many people waiting to get in?”
“Because maintenance is so bad that the electric chair does not work, someone has stolen all the nails from the bed, and the devil is a government worker, so he comes in, signs the register and then goes to the Cafeteria!!!
*
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BEYOND IMPOTENT
Doctor, my husband is 300% impotent.
“I’m not quite sure what you mean. Could you elaborate?”
“Well, the first part you can imagine, but he also burned his tongue and broke his finger.”
*
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A BRIEF HISTORY OF MEDICINE
2000 B.C. — Here, eat this root.
1000 A.D. — That root is heathen. Say this prayer.
1850 A.D. — That prayer is superstition. Drink this potion.
1940 A.D. — That potion is snake oil. Swallow this pill.
1985 A.D. — That pill is ineffective. Take this antibiotic.
2013 A.D. — That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root.
*
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A GENIE IN TORONTO
A man was strolling along the Beaches area in East Toronto when he spotted a bottle floating in Lake Ontario. The bottle drifted ashore.
He picked up the bottle and opened it, and out popped a Genie.
“Master, Master you have released me from my bondage in this bottle, ask any three wishes and I will grant them to you.”
The man thought for a moment and said, “I would like the following three things to happen this year — The Toronto Maple Leafs win the Stanley Cup, the Toronto Blue Jays win the World Series and The Toronto Raptors win the NBA title.”
The Genie thought about this for a moment and jumped back into the bottle.
*
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FACTORY WORKERS
In a small town in the US, there is a rather sizable factory that hires only married men.
Concerned about this, a local woman called on the manager and asked him, “Why is it you limit your employees to married men?
Is it because you think women are weak, dumb, cantankerous..or what?”
“Not at all, Ma’am,” the manager replied.
“It is because our employees are used to obeying orders, are accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don’t pout when I yell at them.”
*
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MAN AND GOD
Man asked God how much is the value of $100 million to you.
God : Its about 1 cent for me.
Man : God how long is 100 years for you.
God : Its about 1 second for me.
Man : God why don’t you give me $100 million? Its only 1 cent for you.
God : Sure but can you wait a couple seconds?
*
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ONLY IN AMERICA
1) Only in America could politicians talk about the greed of the rich at a $35,000 a plate campaign fund raising event.
2) Only in America could people claim that the government still discriminates against black Americans when we have a black President, a black Attorney General, and roughly 18% of the federal workforce is black. 12% of the population is black.
3) Only in America could we have had the two people most responsible for our tax code, Timothy Geithner, the head of the Treasury Department and Charles Rangel who once ran the Ways and Means Committee, BOTH turn out to be tax cheats who are in favor of higher taxes.
4) Only in America can we have terrorists kill people in the name of Allah and have the media primarily react by fretting that Muslims might be harmed by the backlash.
5) Only in America would we make people who want to legally become American citizens wait for years in their home countries and pay tens of thousands of dollars for the privilege while we discuss letting anyone who sneaks into the country illegally just ‘magically’ become American citizens.
6) Only in America could the people who believe in balancing the budget and sticking by the country’s Constitution be thought of as “extremists.”
7) Only in America could you need to present a driver’s license to cash a check or buy alcohol, but not to vote.
8) Only in America could people demand the government investigate whether oil companies are gouging the public because the price of gas went up when the return on equity invested in a major U.S. oil company (Marathon Oil) is less than half of a company making tennis shoes (Nike).
9) Only in America could the government collect more tax dollars from the people than any nation in recorded history, still spend a trillion dollars more than it has per year for total spending of $7 million PER MINUTE, and complain that it doesn’t have nearly enough money.
10) Only in America could the rich people who pay 86% of all income taxes be accused of not paying their “fair share” by people who don’t pay any income taxes at all.
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O.M.G., I’M RICH IN MY OLD AGE!
Silver in the Hair
Gold in the Teeth
Crystals in the Kidneys
Sugar in the Blood
Lead in the Ass
Iron in the Arteries
And
An inexhaustible supply of natural gas.
I never thought I’d
Accumulate such wealth!
*
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TRIPLE FILTER TEST
In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about your friend?”
“Hold on a minute,” Socrates replied, “before telling me anything I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s called the Triple Filter Test.”
“Triple filter?”
“That’s right,” Socrates continued, “before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you’re going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?”
“No,” the man said, “actually I just heard about it and…”
“All right,” said Socrates. “so you don’t really know if it’s true or not. Now let’s try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?”
“No, on the contrary…” “So,” Socrates continued, “you want to tell me something bad about him, but you’re not certain it’s true. You may still pass the test though, because there’s one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?”
“No, not really.”
“Well,” concluded Socrates, “if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?”
This explains why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.
It also explains why Socrates never found out his best friend was banging his wife.
*
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BLONDE AND A BRUNETTE ON A CLIFF
Q: A blonde and a brunette jumped off a cliff. Who hit bottom first?
A: The brunette — the blonde had to stop and ask for directions.
.
COINCIDENTALLY
Q: What did the bartender say when a priest, a boyscout, and a blonde walked in?
A: Is this a joke?
*
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MAN & HIS WIFE’S CAT
A man hated his wife’s cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.
He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, “Is the cat there?”
“Of course, why do you ask?” answered the wife.
Frustrated the man said, “Put that cat on the phone, I’m lost and I need directions!
*
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SCREW ALL NIGHT
It’s the spring of 1957 and Joe goes to pick up his date, Peggy. Joe is a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy’s father answers and invites him in.
“Peggy is not ready yet, so why don’t you have a seat?” he says.
“That’s cool” says Joe.
Peggy’s father asks Joe what they are planning to do. Joe replies politely that they will probably just go to the mall or to a drive-in movie.
Peggy’s father responds, “Why don’t you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it.”
Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Joe and he says, ”Whaaaat?”
“Yeah,” says the father, “Peggy really likes to screw; she’ll screw all night if we let her!”
Joe’s eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Peggy comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she’s ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Joe escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, ”Have a good evening, kids!”
About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Peggy rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father, ”Dammit, Daddy! The twist! The dance is called the twist!!”
*
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RELIGIOUS REASONS
After their car broke down on a lonely country road, three men sought a night’s shelter at a farmhouse. The farmer, poor but eager to help them, said that he only had two beds so one of the three would have to sleep in the barn.
Immediately, one of the travelers, a polite Hindu mathematician, agreed and left for the barn.
A short while later he returned and apologetically explained that there were cows in the barn and for religious reasons he could not sleep there.
Another of the guests, a conservative rabbi, volunteered, picked up his bedding and left for the barn. It wasn’t long before he returned complaining that the pig in the barn made it impossible for him to sleep there.
The last of the stranded trio, a lawyer, sighed and grudgingly picked up his bag and shuffled off to the barn.
Soon, there was another knock at the door. When the farmer answered it, there were the cows and the pig.
*
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THE PERFECT DIVORCE LETTER
Dear Husband
I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you for good. I’ve
been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it.
These last two weeks have been hell.
Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn’t notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee.
You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don’t tell me you love me anymore, you don’t touch me or anything Either you’re cheating or you don’t love me anymore, whatever the case is, I’m gone.
P.S. If you’re trying to find me, don’t. Your BOSS and I are moving away
to West Virginia together! Have a great life!
Your Ex-wife
***********************
Dear Ex-Wife
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true that you and I have been married for seven years, although a good woman is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch sports so much to try to drown out your constant nagging. Too bad that doesn’t work.
I did notice when you cut off all of your hair last week, the first thing that came to mind was “You look just like a man!” My mother raised me to not say anything if you can’t say anything nice.
When you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY BOSS, because I stopped eating pork seven years ago.
I went to sleep on you when you had on that new negligee because the price tag was still on it. I prayed that it was a coincidence that my boss had just borrowed fifty dollars from me that morning and your negligee was $49.99.
After all of this, I still loved you and felt that we could work it out. So when I discovered that I had hit the lotto for ten million dollars, I quit my job and bought us two tickets to Jamaica.
But when I got home you were gone. Everything happens for a reason I guess. I hope you have the filling life you always wanted.
My lawyer said with your letter that you wrote, you won’t get a dime from me. So take care.
P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this but Carl, my boss was born Carla. I hope that’s not a problem.
Your Ex-Husband
*
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COMMANDO …
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level.
I described a typical day, “Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I took a few ‘leaks’ behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers.”
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!”
“No,” I replied, “I’m just a crappy golfer.”
*
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TRUE SEX
A Greek and Italian were sitting in a cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture.
Over triple lattes the Greek guy says, “Well, we have the Parthenon.”
Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies, “We have the Coliseum.”
The Greek retorts, “We Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics.”
The Italian, nodding agreement, says, “But we built the Roman Empire.”
And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.
With a flourish of finality he says, “We invented sex!”
The Italian replies, “That is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women!
*
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LECTURE
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home.
As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
“What are you doing out here at 2 A.M.?” asked the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture.”
“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.
“My wife.”
*
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BLONDE WITH CHICKENS
A blonde is walking down the street and a car pulled up next to her.
The man in the car says to her, ”What do you have in the bag?”
The blonde replies: ”I have chickens!”
The man thinks for a moment and says, ”If I can guess how many chickens you have in the bag, can I have one?”
The blonde thinks that it sounds fair and replies, ”Okay, but I’ll make the bet even better! If you can guess how many chickens I have in the bag I will give you BOTH of them!”
*
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*
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FISHY STORY
A man calls home to his wife and says, “Honey I have been asked to go fishing at a big lake up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We’ll be gone for a week.”
“This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I’ve been wanting so would you please pack me enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and tackle box. We’re leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up. Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas.”
The wife thinks this sounds a little fishy but being a good wife she does exactly what her husband asked.
The following weekend he comes home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomes him home and asks if he caught many fish?
He says, “Yes! Lot’s of Walleye, some Bluegill, and a few Pike. But why didn’t you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?”
I did, they’re in your tackle box.
*
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IN HIS IMAGE
A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God she asked, “Is my time up?” God said, “No you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live.”
Upon hearing this, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction and a tummy tuck. She even had someone change her hair color. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it.
She was released from the hospital but while crossing the street on her way home, she was killed by a car.
Arriving in front of God, she demanded, “I thought you said I had another 43 years?! Why didn’t you pull me out of the path of that car?”
God replied, “I didn’t recognize you.”
*
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YOU KNOW YOU’RE CANADIAN WHEN
You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more kilometers on your snow blower than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one metre above ground.
You’ve taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled in with snow.
You think sexy lingerie is tube-socks and a flannel nightie with only 8 buttons.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snow blower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of deer season is a national holiday.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbecue so the bears won’t prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major parish fund-raiser isn’t bingo it’s sausage making.
You find -40C a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freeze.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest jewelry and your Sorrels.
You can play road hockey on skates.
You know 4 seasons: Winter, Still Winter, Almost Winter, and Construction.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
You perk up when you hear the theme from “Hockey Night in Canada”.
You actually get these jokes and SEND them to all your Canadian friends
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TRIBAL EXPERIMENT
A blonde couple was watching a documentary on the TV Channel about an African tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long. When a male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his tool and a weight is attached to the other end. After a while, the weight stretches the length of the tool to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked down at him and said, “What do you say, we try that African string-and-weight procedure?”
Her husband agreed and they tied a string and weight to it.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband, “How is our tribal experiment coming along?”
“Well, it looks like we’re half-way there,” he replied.
“You’ve grown to 12 inches?!” she said, astonished.
He said, “No … it’s turned black.”
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GOLF TROUBLE
There was this guy who went golfing every Saturday and Sunday. It didn’t matter what kind of weather it was, he was hooked on a round of golf on his days off.
One Saturday he left the house early and headed for the golf course, but it was so bitter cold that he decided he wouldn’t golf that day and went back home.
His wife was still in bed when he got there, so he took off his clothes and snuggled up to his wife’s backside and said, “Terrible weather out there.”
She replied, “Yeah, and can you believe my stupid husband went golfing.”
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CATHOLIC HORSES
A punter was at the horse races playing the ponies and all but losing his shirt.
He noticed a Priest step out onto the track and blessed the forehead of one of the horses lining up for the 4th race.
Lo and behold, that horse – a very long shot – won the race.
Next race, as the horses lined up, the Priest stepped onto the track.
Sure enough, he blessed one of the horses.
The punter made a beeline for a betting window and placed a small bet on the horse. Again, even though it was another long shot, the horse won the race.
He collected his winnings, and anxiously waited to see which horse the Priest would bless next.
He bet big on it, and it won. As the races continued the Priest kept blessing long shots, and each one ended up winning.
The punter was elated. He made a quick dash to the ATM, withdrew all his savings, and awaited for the Priest’s blessing that would tell him which horse to bet on ..
True to his pattern, the Priest stepped onto the track for the last race and blessed the forehead of an old nag that was the longest shot of the day.
This time the priest blessed the eyes, ears, and hooves of the old nag. The punter knew he had a winner and bet every cent he owned on the old nag.
He watched dumbfounded as the old nag came in last. In a state of shock, he went to the track area where the Priest was.
Confronting Him, he demanded, ‘Father! What happened? All day long you blessed horses and they all won. Then in the last race, the horse you blessed lost by a mile. Now, thanks to you I’ve lost every cent of my savings!’.
The Priest nodded wisely and with sympathy.
‘Son,’ he said, ‘that’s the problem with you Protestants, you can’t tell the difference between a simple blessing and last rites.
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THE 2012 DARWIN AWARDS
You’ve been waiting for them with bated breath, so without further ado, here
are the 2012 Darwin Awards:
Eighth Place
In Detroit , a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing head first through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned when he ran”,
accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from
the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom, when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand.
People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him.
It took rescue workers using heavy equipment
almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a
bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a
man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store.
The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter.
Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol.
The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics.
Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out the window to see what would happen.
Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic.
The conversation grew moreexcited, and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered
that no one had brought a bungee rope.
Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman’s cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham’s leg and then tied the other to the bridge.
His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham’s foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS….
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt ( Paderborn , Germany ) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief.
Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded.
The sheer force of the elephant’s unexpected defecation knocked Mr. Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him.
It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves… ‘Stuff happens’
IT’S ALWAYS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEIR DNA FROM THE GENE POOL.
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POLITICALLY INCORRECT BRITISH HUMOUR
A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates..
He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.
Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
“Are you Mohammed?” he asks.
“No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up.” And he points to a ladder that rises into the clouds.
Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than Peter, he climbs the ladder in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, “Are you Mohammed?”
“No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still.”
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the ladder and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, “Are you Mohammed?”
“No, I am Jesus… You will find Mohammed higher up.”
Mohammed higher than Jesus!
The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher.
Once again he reaches a larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
“Are you Mohammed?” he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
“No my son…..I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?”
“Yes, please, my Lord.”
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
“Hey Mohammed, two coffees !!!!”
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TRUE ROMANCE
A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking send me a sip. If you are crying,
send me your tears. I love you!”
The husband, typically non-romantic, replied, “On the commode……….Please advise.”
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A HIGGS BOSON WALKS INTO THE VATICAN
A Higgs Boson walks into the Vatican.
Pope Francis looks at him and says “Why are you here?”
The Boson replies “I’m here because you can’t have Mass without me.”
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TWO OLD LADIES
It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?
“Heavens no, we bought it.”
“Then why don’t you drive it away.”
“We can’t drive.”
“Then why did you buy it?”
“We were warned that if we bought a car here we’d get screwed… so we’re waiting.”
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BLONDES AND BRUNETTES
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because pets can’t bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Because the blondes couldn’t either.
BLONDES AND CANDLES
Q: What does a blonde do when it gets cold?
A: Sits around a candle
Q: What does she do when it gets really cold?
A: Lights it
BLONDE’S CHALLENGE
Q: What is long and hard to a blonde?
A: Fourth grade.
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DON’T TRY TO OUTSMART A NEWFIE
A Newfie went hunting one day in Ontario and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn’t like Newfies.
The game warden ordered the Newfie to show his hunting license, and the Newfie pulled out a valid Ontario hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one Of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, “This duck ain’t from Ontario. This is a Quebec duck. You got a Quebec huntin’ license, Boy?”
The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Quebec hunting License. The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said “This ain’ t no Quebec Duck. This duck’s from Manitoba. You got a Manitoba License?” The Newfie reached into his wallet and produced a Manitoba Hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its Butt, and said, “This ain’t no Manitoba duck. This here duck’s From Nova Scotia. You got a Nova Scotia huntin’ license?” Again the Newfie reached into his wallet and brought out a Nova Scotia hunting License.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at The Newfie “Just where the hell are you from?”
The Newfie turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, “You tell me, you’re the expert.”
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MECHANIC AND DOCTOR
A mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a motorcycle when he spotted a well-known heart surgeon in his shop.
The surgeon was there waiting for the service manager to come take a look at his bike.
The mechanic shouted across the garage, “Hey Doc, can I ask you a question?”
The surgeon, a bit surprised, walked over to the mechanic working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, “So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart, take valves out, fix ’em, put ’em back in and when I finish, it works like new. So how come I get such a small salary and you get the really big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?
The surgeon paused, smiled and leaned over and whispered to the mechanic… “Try doing it with the engine running!”
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WHAT HAPPENS TO GOOD PEOPLE?
Mother Teresa died and went to heaven. God greeted her at the Pearly Gates.
“Be thou hungry, Mother Teresa?” asked God.
“I could eat,” Mother Teresa replied.
So God opened a can of tuna and reached for a chunk of rye bread and they began to share it.
While eating this humble meal, Mother Teresa looked down into Hell and saw the inhabitants devouring huge steaks, lobsters, pheasants, and pastries. Curious, but deeply trusting, she remained quiet.
The next day God again invited her to join him for a meal. Again, it was tuna and rye bread.
Once again, Mother Teresa could see the denizens of Hell enjoying lamb, turkey, venison, and delicious desserts. Still she said nothing.
The following day, mealtime arrived and another can of tuna was opened.
She couldn’t contain herself any longer. Meekly, she asked, “God, I am grateful to be in heaven with you as a reward for the pious, obedient life I led. But here in heaven all I get to eat is tuna and a piece of rye bread and in the Other Place they eat like emperors and kings! I just don’t understand it…”
God sighed. “Let’s be honest Teresa,” He said, “. . . for just two people, it doesn’t pay to cook.”
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WORDS FROM STATE TROOPERS
Those Southerners have a way with words!
These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car video.
1. “You know, stop lights don’t come any redder than the one you just went through.”
2. “Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch after you wear them a while.”
3. “If you take your hands off the car, I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
4. “If you run, you’ll only go to jail tired.”
5. “Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that’s the speed of the bullet that’ll be chasing you.”
6. “You don’t know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?”
7. “Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don’t think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I’m the shift supervisor?”
8. “Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I’m warning you not to do that again or I’ll give you another ticket.”
9. “The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?”
10. “Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop.”
11. “Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”
12. “In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC.” ( National Crime Information Center )
13. “Just how big were those ‘two beers’ you say you had?”
14. “No sir, we don’t have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we’re allowed to write as many tickets as we can.”
15. “I’m glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail.”
AND THE WINNER IS….
16.. “You didn’t think we give pretty women tickets? You’re right, we don’t.
Sign here.”
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SEX IN THE DARK
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the lights.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights.
She looked down… and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated pleasure device… a vibrator! Soft, wonderful and larger than a “real one”.
She went completely ballistic.
“You impotent bastard,” she screamed at him, “how could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!”
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly, “I’ll explain the toy… you explain the kids.”
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INVESTING FOR RETIREMENT IN THE U.S.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.
If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.
But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drunk all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for a recycling refund, you would have received $214.00.
Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg
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SAD HUBBY
A man sat at a bar, drinking slowly. On his face was the saddest hangdog expression.
The bartender asked, “What’s the matter? Are you having troubles with your wife?”
The man said, “We had a fight, and she told me that she wasn’t going to speak to me for a month.”
The bartender said, “That should make you happy.”
The man sadly shook his head and said, “It did but, the month is up today!”
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CANNIBALS
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…
+Tourist: ………………………$ 5.00
+Broiled Missionary: …………….$10.00
+Fried Explorer: ……………….$15.00
+Baked LIBERAL, Grilled CONSERVATIVE or Sauteed NDP:… $100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked,
“Why such a high price for the Politicians?”
The cook replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one?
They’re so full of shit, it takes all morning.”
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CHURCHILL’S DRINKING
Churchill had a bit of an impromptu intervention when he had been drinking too much at a formal event.
“I say, Churchill, you’ve drank more than any person I’ve ever met, and it’s putting an undue stress on your life!” said one of his colleagues.
He took his cane, and drew an imaginary line on the wall a few feet above Churchill’s head. “If we filled this parlor with all the alcohol you’ve drank in your life, it would go all the way up to this line!”
Churchill downed the drink he had in his hand, looked at the line, then all the way up to the ceilings in the mansion he was in. “So much done, yet so much to do!”
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NEW BIBLICAL INTERPRETATION
For those who haven’t heard, Washington State just passed two new laws:
gay marriage and legalized marijuana.
The fact that gay marriage and marijuana were legalized on the same day makes absolutely perfect biblical sense.
Leviticus 20:13 says “If a man lies with another man they should be stoned.”
Evidently, we just hadn’t interpreted it correctly before!
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WELCOME TO THE 21st CENTURY
Our Phones – Wireless
Cooking – Fireless
Cars – Keyless
Food – Fatless
Tires – Tubeless
Dress – Sleeveless
Youth – Jobless
Leaders – Shameless
Relationships – Meaningless
Attitude – Careless
Wives – Fearless
Babies – Fatherless
Feelings – Heartless
Education – Valueless
Children – Mannerless
Everything is becoming LESS but still our hopes are Endless.
In fact I am – Speechless
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AN OLD SOVIET JOKE
An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are talking about their wives.
The Englishman says, “When my wife swallows a cherry with a pit, everyone thinks she is pregnant. I don’t want to say that she is starving; I just want to underscore, how carefully she watches her figure.”
The Frenchman says, “My wife has seventeen lovers. I don’t want to say that she is a whore; I just want to underscore that men find her irresistible.”
The Russian says, “When I go off to work, I pinch my wife’s behind; when I come back, it is still quivering. I don’t want to say that she is fat; I just want to underscore that we have the shortest workday in the world.”
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THOUGHT FOR THE DAY…
Women are like phones:
They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected
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RESPONSIBLE CANADIAN
While walking along the Niagara River this morning I noticed a Muslim guy slip from the shoreline and fall into the river.
He was struggling to stay afloat because of all the explosives he had been carrying.
If he didn’t get help he’d surely drown.
Being a responsible Canadian, and abiding by the law of the land that requires you to help those in distress, I informed the Niagara Regional Police and the RCMP.
It is now 4 p.m., he has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded.
I’m starting to think I wasted two stamps.
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ABOUT THOSE HELP WANTED ADS
Competitive salary: We pay less than our competitors.
Join our fast-paced company: We have no time to train you.
Casual work atmosphere: We don’t pay enough to expect you to dress up.
Must be deadline-oriented: You’ll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some overtime required: Some overtime each night and each weekend.
Duties will vary: Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must have an eye for detail: We have no quality control.
Career-minded: Female applicants must be childless (and stay that way).
Apply in person: If you’re old, fat or ugly, you’ll be told the position has been filled.
No phone calls please: We’ve filled the job, our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Seeking candidates with a variety of work experiences: You’ll need it to replace three people who just left.
Problem-solving skills a must: You’re walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Requires team leadership skills: You’ll have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.
Good communications skills: Management communicates, you listen, figure out what
they want and do it.
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NOAH TODAY
The Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in America and said: “Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me.”
“Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans.
“He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: “You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard – but no Ark.
“Noah!” He roared, “I’m about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?”
“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah, “but things have changed.”
“I needed a Building Permit.”
“I’ve been arguing with the Boat Inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.”
“My neighbors claim that I’ve violated the neighborhood by-laws by building the Ark in my back yard and exceeding the height limitations. We had to go to the local Planning Committee for a decision.”
“Then the local Council and the Electricity Company demanded a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea.
I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear none of it.”
“Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the Greater Spotted Barn Owl.”
“I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls – but no go!”
“When I started gathering the animals the ASPCA took me to court. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.”
“Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn’t build the Ark until they’d conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.”
“I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew.”
“The Immigration Dept. is checking the visa status of most of the people who want to work.”
“The trade unions say I can’t use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.”
“To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.”
“So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.”
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.”
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, “You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?”
“No,” said the Lord. “The Government beat me to it.”
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BLONDE PREGNANT
A bonde walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, “I, need, to see the upturn, please.”
“I think, you mean the ‘intern,’ don’t you?” asked the nurse on duty.
“Yes,” said the girl. “I want to have a contamination.”
“Don’t you mean ‘examination,'” the nurse questioned her again.
“Well I want to go to the ‘fraternity ward,’ anyway.”
“I’m sure you mean the maternity ward.”
To which the blonde replied “Upturn, intern, contamination, examination fraternity, maternity…. What’s the difference? All I know is I, haven’t demonstrated in two months, and I think I’m stagnant.”
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BITCHES ‘TIL THE END
The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I’ve got some bad news.
You have inoperable cancer, and you’d best put your affairs in order…”
The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.
“Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don’t go so well. In this case, things aren’t well. I have cancer. So, let’s head to the club and have a martini.”
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less somber. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman’s old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating.
The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, “I’ve been diagnosed with AIDS .”
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.
After the friends left, the woman’s daughter leaned over and whispered, “Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?”
“Because I don’t want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I’m gone.”
And THAT is what is called, “Putting Your Affairs in Order.”
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TO GET TO HEAVEN FROM SCOTLAND…
I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.
I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
Money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”
“NO!” the children answered.
“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?”
Again, the answer was ‘No!’
By now I was starting to smile.
“Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”
Again, they all answered ‘No!’
I was just bursting with pride for them.
I continued, “Then how can I get into heaven?”
A six year old boy shouted,
“Yuv got tae be f**kin’ dead”
Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye…
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A MAN & A PRETTY WOMAN IN A TRAIN COMPARTMENT
A man & a pretty woman who had never met before found themselves sharing a sleeping compartment on a train.
The man on the top bunk and the lady on the bottom bunk.
During the night, man woke & asked “Sorry to bother you but would you reach into the closet to get me a 2nd blanket, I’m freezing!”
“I’ve a better idea” she replied, “Why don’t we pretend we’re married?”
“Wow what a great idea!” he said.
“Good” she said, “Get your own blanket, you lazy bastard!”
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NOT OLD YET
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, “How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?”
“Well,” he said, “we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub.”
“Oh, I understand,” I said. “A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.”
“No” he said. “A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?”
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HOW ARE WOMEN LIKE HURRICANES?
Question: How are women like hurricanes?
Answer: They are wet and wild when they come …
… but when they leave they take your house and your car with them
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RETIRED/BORED HUSBAND
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring & preferred to get in & get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women – she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behaviour & have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below & are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms & randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5 minute intervals.
3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
4. July 19: Walked up to an employee & told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station & receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time & costing the company money.
5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk & tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layby.
6. August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION – WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department & told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows & blankets from the bedding department to which 20 children obliged.
8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying & screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ Paramedics were called.
9.. September 4: Looked right into the security camera & used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3: Darted around the Store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘Mission Impossible’ theme.
12. October 18: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels on his chest.
13. October 25: Hid in a clothing rack & when people browsed through, he yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
14. November 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position & screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
15. December 3: Took a box of condoms to the check-out clerk & asked where the fitting room was?
And last, but not least:
16. December 15: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile & then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
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INTELLIGENT REDNECK
A husband and wife came for counseling after 35 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 35 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of un-met needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately.
The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, “This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?”
The husband thought for a moment and replied, “Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish.”
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HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
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My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered.
I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
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I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. ‘ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
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My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.”
I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
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When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.
Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
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My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
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Satur