In spite of all the grim news, there’s always room for some humor. Over 1,000 pages of jokes, cartoons and funny stuff below.
There’s also 900 pages of stuff on Vol. 2.
New ones are still being posted in Vol. 3 . Enjoy!
These are actual notes from Doctors patient charts…
1. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
2. On the 2nd day the knee was better and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.
3. She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
4. The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.
5. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male. Mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused an autopsy.
9. The patient has no past history of suicides.
10. Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel re-section. However, he took a job as a lawyer instead.
27. Skin: Somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
31. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
SO MUCH FOR TREATMENT
A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist…. The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.
After she dis-robed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, “Do you know what I am doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That s right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts. “Do you know what I am doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” she said, “you are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer.”
“Correct,” replied the shady doctor.
Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, “Do you know what I am doing now?”
“Yes,” she said, “you’re getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place.”
BOUNCING BABY BOY BALLS
There was a baby born in the hospital and he weighed ten pounds. The odd thing about him was his body weighed five pounds and his testicles weighed five pounds. All the nurses and even the doctor didn’t know what to do with him.
Then, the chief surgeon walked in and asked what was wrong. The head nurse replied, ”We don’t know what to do with this baby.”
So the chief surgeon took one look and said, “You should put him into a mental institution.”
”Why?’ asked the head nurse.
“Well,” replied the chief surgeon, “take a look at him. The boy is obviously half nuts.”
Why can’t a blonde dial 911?
She can’t find the eleven.
THE BLONDE AND THE BLINKER
Two blondes were driving down the road.
The blonde driving looks at her friend in the passenger seat and asks her to see if her blinker is working.
So the blonde looks out the window and says, ”Yes. No. Yes. No.”
THE BLOND ABC’s
Q: Why does the blonde have the biggest boobs in the third grade?
A: Because she’s 21
We could have sworn you said the ark wasn’t leaving till 5.
Dear Twilight fans,
Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never get it up. Enjoy dreaming about that.
Sorry to hear about the global warming. Karma’s a bitch.
Dear America ,
You produced Miley Cyrus. Bieber is your punishment.
I’ve never heard anyone say, “I don’t know, let’s Yahoo! it…”
So I hear the best rapper is white and the president is black? WTF happened?!
Dear girls who have been dumped,
There are plenty of fish in the sea… Just kidding! They’re all dead.
Dear Skin-Colored Band Aids,
Please make one for every skin color.
I feel your pain… no one wants to run with me either.
Yes, we ARE making fun of you in Vietnamese.
Nail Salon Ladies
Dear Ugly People,
Please stop freaking out about 2012. Our calendars end there because some Spanish d-bags invaded our country and we got a little busy, ok?
Dear White People,
Don’t you just hate immigrants?
Please stop spell checking all of my rude words into nice words.
You piece of shut.
Every iPhone User
At least you get picked up…
The Girls of Jersey Shore
It’s cute, but can you pick up peanuts with it?
There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side.
His eyes fluttered open and he said, “You’re beautiful!” and then he fell asleep again.
His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said “You’re cute!”
Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of “beautiful” it was “cute.”
She said “What happened to ‘beautiful’?
His reply was “The drugs are wearing off!”
THIS IS MUMMY
Jennifer sprang to answer the telephone.
“Darling, How are you? This is Mummy.”
“Oh Mummy,” Jennifer said crying, “I’m having a bad day. The baby won’t eat and the washing machine won’t work. I’ve sprained my ankle and I’m hobbling around. On top of all this, the house is a mess and I’m supposed to have the Andersons and the Nicholsons for dinner tonight. I haven’t even had a chance to go shopping.”
The voice on the other end said in sympathy, “Darling, let Mummy handle it. Sit down, relax and close your eyes. I’ll be over in half an hour. I’ll do your shopping, tidy up the house and cook your dinner. I’ll feed the baby and I’ll call an engineer I know who’ll fix your washing machine. Now stop crying. I’ll even call your husband Wayne at the office and tell him he should come home to help out for once.”
“Wayne?” said Jennifer. “Who’s Wayne?”
“Why, Wayne’s your husband….Is this 0208 123 3749?”
“No, this is 0208 123 3747.”
“Oh, I’m sorry. I guess I dialed the wrong number.”
There was a short pause, then Jennifer said, “Does this mean you’re not coming over?”
WHAT THEY SAY AT YOUR FUNERAL
Three friends die in a car accident and attend an orientation in Heaven.
An angel asks, “When you are in your casket and your friends and family are mourning you, what would you like to hear them say about you?”
The first guy says, “I would like them to say that I was a great doctor and a loving family man.”
The second guy says, “I would like them to say that I was a caring husband and a schoolteacher who made a huge difference to kids.”
The last guy says, “I would like them to say — LOOK, he’s still moving!”
CATFISH AND LAWYERS
Q: What’s the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
A: One’s a slimy scum-sucking bottom-dwelling scavenger; the other is a fish.
A FEW GOOD LAWYERS
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around.
“What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.”
“Well, I’m a lawyer, but you don’t see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?”
LAWYERS AND LIGHTBULBS
Q: How many lawyers does it take to screw a light bulb?
A: One but it has to have a good case.
THE DEVOUT CATHOLIC WOMAN
Maria, a devout Catholic, got married and had 10 children.
After her first husband died, she remarried and had 10 more children.
A few weeks after her second husband died, Maria also passed away.
At Maria’s funeral, the priest looked skyward and said, “At last, they’re finally together.”
Her sister sitting in the front row said, “Excuse me, Father, but do you mean she and her first husband, or she and her second husband?”
The priest replied, “I mean her legs.”
In a murder trial, the defense attorney was cross-examining the coroner:
“Before you signed the death certificate, did you take the pulse, listen to the heart or check for breathing?”
“So, when you signed the death certificate, you weren’t sure the man was dead, were you?”
“Well, the man’s brain was in a jar on my desk, but I suppose he could have still been practicing law for a living.”
WHAT WE LEARN FROM THE MOVIES
— It is always possible to park directly in front of any building you are visiting.
— A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
— If you start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
— Most laptops are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
— It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts because your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one, dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
— After a person suffers a massive blow to the head, they will still be surprisingly good looking.
— No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
— Partnering police officers with their total opposites will always, eventually, lead to buddy teams who share unbreakable bonds and gruff affection.
HEAVENLY MARITAL HELP
Betty and Tim die in a car accident on the eve of their wedding. In Heaven, they ask St. Peter if they can still be married.
“Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay here and I will be right back.”
Six months pass and Peter returns. “Yes, we can do this for you.”
The couple asks, “Well, as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don’t work out, is there a possibility that we can be divorced?”
To which St. Peter answers, “It took me six months to find a priest up here — how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer?”
WALKS INTO A BAR … KARATE CHOP
A huge guy walks into a bar, approaches a little guy and karate chops him in the back. When the little guy gets up, the huge guy says, “That was a karate chop from Korea.”
A little later, the huge guy walks back over to the little guy and karate chops him in the back. The huge guy says, “That was a karate chop from China.”
The little guy leaves the bar, comes back and hits the huge guy on the back. The huge guy lies unconscious on the floor. The little guy tells the bartender, “Tell him that was a crowbar from Sears.”
WALKS INTO A BAR … BEER BROTHERS
A man walks into a bar and orders three beers.
The bartender brings him the three beers, and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then the third, until they’re gone.
He then orders three more and the bartender says, “Sir, I know you like them cold, so you can start with one, and I’ll bring you a fresh one as soon as you’re low.”
The man says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in Ireland. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night, we’d still drink together. So right now, my brothers have three beers, too, and we’re drinking together.”
The bartender thinks it’s a wonderful tradition, and every week he sets up the guy’s three beers.
Then one week, the man comes in and orders only two. He drinks them and then orders two more. The bartender says sadly, “Knowing your tradition, I’d just like to just say that I’m sorry you’ve lost a brother.”
The man replies, “Oh, my brothers are fine — I just quit drinking.”
THE ABSOLUTE BEST LITTLE JOHNNY JOKE
Little Johnnie’s neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie’s family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnnie’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby’s missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely. When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, ‘What a beautiful baby.’ The mother said, ‘Why, Thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, ‘He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?’
‘Yes’, the mother replied, ‘we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision.’
‘That’s great’, said Little Johnnie, ‘coz he’d be f**ked if he needed glasses.
A grandson runs up to his grandfather and asks him if he can talk like a frog.
“Of course not,” says the grandfather. A few minutes later, his granddaughter asks him the same question.
“No, of course not. Why are you both asking me this?”
The granddaughter replies, “Dad said that when you croak, we can go to Disneyland.”
JET FUEL DRINK
Dick and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Winnipeg, Manitoba.
One day the airport was iced in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Dick said, ‘Man, I wish we had something to drink!’
Jim says, ‘Me too. Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet fuel and get abuzz.
You wanna try it?’ So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane booze and get completely smashed. The next morning Dick wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels.
In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing!
Then the phone rings. It’s Jim. Jim says, ‘Hey, how do you feel this morning?’
Dick says, ‘I feel great, how about you?’
Jim says, ‘I feel great, too. You don’t have a hangover?’
Dick says, ‘No that jet fuel is great stuff — no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often..’
‘Yeah, well there’s just one thing.’
‘Have you farted yet?’
‘Well, DON’T – ‘cause I’m in Saskatchewan
AN ODD TALE
There once was a boy named “Odd.”
People made fun of him because of his name, so he decided to keep his gravestone blank when he died.
Now when people pass by the burial site, they point and say, “That’s odd.”
HEAVEN VS HELL
One night, God visits a preacher.
The preacher has one question, “What is Heaven like?”
God replies, “Heaven is like a city. It has the best of everything. For example, the French are the chefs, the Italians are the lovers, the English are the policeman, the Germans are the mechanics, and the Dutch are the politicians.”
“What is Hell like?” he asks.
“Well,” he sighs, “the French are the mechanics, the Italians are the politicians, the English are the chefs, the Germans are the policemen, and the Dutch are the lovers.”
STOP OR SLOW DOWN?
A car slows down at a stop sign and keeps driving. A cop sees him and pulls him over.
The cop asks, “Why didn’t you stop?”
The man says, “I slowed down.”
The cop pulls out his nightstick and starts beating him.
“Now,” the cop says, “do you want me to stop or slow down?”
REVENGE OF THE BLONDES
Q: What is black and blue and brown, and lies in a ditch?
A: A brunette who told too many blonde jokes.
Q: Why are politicians proof of reincarnation?
A: You just can’t get that screwed up in one lifetime.
LAWYERS AND GOD
What’s the difference between a lawyer and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a lawyer.
BARRACK OBAMA REPAYS THE FAVOR
Three boys walk through the woods and suddenly hear cries for help. They follow the sound to the lake and see Barrack Obama drowning. The boys jump into the water and drag him to shore.
Barrack asks the boys how he can repay them. The first boy says, “I want a boat.”
The second boy says, “I want a truck.”
The third boy says, “I want a nice tombstone.”
Barrack asks, “Why is that?”
The boy says, “Because when my dad finds out I helped save you, he’s going to kill me.”
LAST MUSICAL REQUEST
The inmate on death row is scheduled to be put to death by firing squad. He doesn’t request a last meal or anything special for his last day.
As he stands before the firing squad he says, “Actually, music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions.”
The guard nods solemnly and tells him to go ahead.
The inmate starts, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall… .”
Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack.
“How did that happen?” asks the first guy.
“Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn’t find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot.”
“Geez,” says the first guy. “If you’d opened the fridge, we’d both be alive right now.”
NOT LITTLE JOHNNY AGAIN
A grade three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, ‘E-G-G’.
‘Very good’, says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast ‘T-O-A-S-T’.
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
‘I had f**k all’, he says, ‘F-*-*-K A-L-L’.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada ‘s east coast.
When it’s Johnny’s turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, ‘Where is the Newfoundland border?’
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, ‘The Newfoundland boarder is in bed with my mother.
That’s why I got f**k all for breakfast’.
THE BANKER AND THE FROG
A banker was walking in the park one day when she noticed a large frog sitting along the side of the pond.
As she was walking by, the frog suddenly piped up and said, “”Excuse me… but… ummm… would you happen to be a banker?”
The banker responded, “Why yes, I am a banker. Why do you ask?”
“Well,” says the frog, “I was a forecasting economist, and my forecasts didn’t turn out so well. The CEO I worked for put a spell on me and turned me into a frog. The spell can be broken if a banker will kiss me. Then I can return to being a forecasting economist.”
The banker paused for a moment, then reached out, picked up the frog, put him in her purse, and began walking along.
After a few minutes the frog piped up, “Hey, what are you doing? If you will just give me a kiss I can walk along on my own and you won’t have to carry me.”
The banker stopped, looked down at the frog, and said, “True… but you’re worth a lot more to me as a talking frog than as a forecasting economist.”
BRITISH HUMOUR IS DIFFERENT
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbour’s dog.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
**** And the WINNER is… ****
FOR SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
Statement of the Century
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker–Billy Connolly.
“If women are so perfect at multitasking,
How come they can’t have a headache and sex at the same time?”
A bunch of new recruits are making their first parachute jump.
The sergeant gives instructions: “After you jump out of the plane, count slowly to 10. Your parachute will automatically open. If it doesn’t, pull the emergency cord. When you get to the drop zone, there’ll be trucks waiting to take you back to the base. Move out!”
As scared as they are, they all make it out the door.
The last recruit jumps out and slowly counts to 10 — nothing. He frantically fumbles around and finds the emergency handle. He jerks on the cord, and it comes off in his hand.
Raising his head to the heavens, he screams, “I bet them trucks ain’t waiting either!!”
CHILDREN ARE QUICK
TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it’s H to O.
TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn’t have ten years ago.
TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I’m a lot closer to the ground than you are.
TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ‘ I. ‘
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie….. Always say, ‘I am.’
MILLIE: All right… ‘I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.’
TEACHER: George Washington not only chopped down his father’s cherry tree, but also admitted it. Now, Louie, do you know why his father didn’t punish him?
LOUIS: Because George still had the axe in his hand…..
TEACHER: Now, Simon , tell me frankly, do you say prayers before eating?
SIMON: No sir, I don’t have to, my Mom is a good cook.
TEACHER: Clyde , your composition on ‘My Dog’ is exactly the same as your brother’s..
Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It’s the same dog.
TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people
are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Due to current economic conditions the light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off
OBAMA 4th BEST PRESIDENT
President Obama has been rated the 4th best president ever:
Reagan and 9 others tied for first,
15 presidents tied for second,
and 18 other presidents tied for third
And that’s how Obama came in fourth.
ACTUAL CALLS RECEIVED AT A PUBLIC GOLF COURSE
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I need to get some information from you. First, is this your correct phone number?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, we have a tee time for two weeks from Friday.
What’s the weather going to be like that day?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I had a tee time for this afternoon but I’m running late. Can you still get me out early?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that’s not it.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like to get a tee time tomorrow between 12 o’clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o’clock and noon?
Staff: We’ll try to squeeze you in.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o’clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What’s the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We’ll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don’t think any of those times will work for me.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Caller: How much for a bucket of large balls?
Staff: Sorry, we’re all out of large balls. But we can give you twice as many small balls for the same price.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Can I get a tee time for tomorrow?
Staff: Sure, what time would you like?
Caller: Something between 9 o’clock and 10 o’clock. In the morning, if possible.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he’s on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it’s 15 dollars after 2 o’clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I’d like some info about your golf course.
Staff: OK, what would you like to know?
Caller: I don’t know, that’s why I called.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls and said they stole them from your driving range. Would you like to buy them back?
CHILDBIRTH AT 65
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
‘May I see the new baby?’ I asked
‘Not yet,’ She said ‘I’ll make coffee and we can talk for a while first.’
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, ‘May I see the new baby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed, I asked again, ‘May I see the baby now?’
‘No, not yet,’ replied my friend.
Growing very impatient, I asked, ‘Well, when can I see the baby?’
‘WHEN HE CRIES!’ she told me.
‘WHEN HE CRIES?’ I demanded. ‘Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?’
‘BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?!!’
BAR ROOM SIGNS
Beauty is only a light switch away.
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC
If life is a waste of time,
And time is a waste of life,
Then let’s all get wasted together
And have the time of our lives.
– Armand’s Pizza, Washington , DC
Fighting for peace is like
Screwing for virginity.
– The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO
No matter how good she looks,
Some other guy is sick and tired
Of putting up with her .
– Men’s Room, Linda’s Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC
At the feast of ego
Everyone leaves hungry.
– Bentley’s House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ
It’s hard to make a comeback
When you haven’t been anywhere.
– Written in the dust on the back of a bus, Wickenburg , AZ
Make love, not war.
Hell, do both
– Women’s restroom, The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT
If voting could really change things,
It would be illegal.
– Revolution Books, New York , New York .
If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
– Men’s restroom House of Representatives, Washington , DC
Five beers or less
– Sign over one of the urinals, Ed Debevic’s, Phoenix , AZ
No wonder you always go home alone.
– Sign over mirror in Men’s restroom, Ed Debevic’s, Beverly Hill s ,CA
~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~
A Woman’s Rule of Thumb:
If it has tires or testicles,
You’re going to have trouble with it
– Women’s restroom, Dick’s Last Resort, Dallas , TX
AMISH ELEVATOR …
A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall.
They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, ‘What is this Father?’
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, ‘Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.’
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…..
‘Go get your Mother’
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School .
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
‘Tell me Susie, who created the universe?’
When Susie didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
‘God Almighty!’ shouted Susie.
The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class..
A little later the Nun asked Susie, ‘Who is our Lord and Saviour?’
But Susie didn’t stir from her slumber.
Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, ‘Very good,’ and Susie fell back asleep..
The Nun asked her a third question…
‘What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
‘If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’
The nun fainted !
WEAPONS OF MATH INSTRUCTION
A public school teacher was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International
airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a
protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.
At a morning Press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who
has been charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.
‘Al-Gebra is a problem for us’, the Attorney General said. ‘They derive
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in search
of absolute values.’ They use secret code names like “X” and “Y” and refer
to themselves as “unknowns” but we have determined that they belong to a
Common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every
Country. As the Greek philosopher Isosceles used to say, “There are 3
Sides to every triangle.”
When asked to comment on the arrest, President Obama said, “If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us
more fingers and toes.”
White House aides told reporters they could not recall a more intelligent or profound statement by the President. It is believed that another Nobel Prize will follow.
Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying.
Max replies, “Why don’t you ask the Priest?”
So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, “Father, may I smoke while I pray ?”
The Priest replies, “No, my son, you may not! That’s utter disrespect to our religion.”
Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him.
Max says, “I’m not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try.”
And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, “Father, may I pray while I smoke ?”
To which the Priest eagerly replies, “By all means, my son. By all means. You can always pray whenever you want to.”
THINGS THAT END WITH “TOR”
A teacher asked her third grade class to name things that ended with
“tor” that ate things.
The first little boy said, “Alligator.”
“Very good James, that’s a big word.”
The second boy said, “Predator.”
“ Yes, that’s another big word Alan. Very well done.”
Little Johnny says, “Vibrator.”
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, “That is a big word
Johnny, but it doesn’t eat anything.”
“ Well my mother has one and she says it eats frickin’ batteries like
there’s no tomorrow!”
LAST NIGHT OF LOVIN’
After his annual checkup, Bob learns that he has a rare disease and 12 hours to live. His wife tearfully says, “Honey, I’m going to give you a night you’ll never forget.”
They make passionate love with an ardor they haven’t felt in years. When they’re done, Bob asks his wife, “Can we do it again?” This time it’s even more passionate.
Later, as she is about to doze off, Bob gives her a nudge and says, “Honey, I know it’s getting late, but I think we can do it one more time.”
“That’s easy for you to say,” she complains. “You don’t have to get up in the morning.”
A guy phones a law firm and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer.” The receptionist says, “I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week.”
The next day the same guy phones the law firm and says, “I want to speak to my lawyer.” Once again the receptionist replies, “I’m sorry, but your lawyer died last week.”
The next day the guy makes his regular call to the law firm and say, “I want to speak to my lawyer.”
“Excuse me sir,” the receptionist says, “but this is third time I’ve had to tell you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?”
The guy replies, “Because I love hearing it!”
A priest and a rabbi were talking when the rabbi asked the priest about confession. “I have an idea,” said the priest.
Why don’t you sit with me on my side of the confession booth and hear it for yourself? No one will ever know.
A woman came into the booth and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned.”
The priest asked, “What did you do?”
“I cheated on my husband.”
“How many times?”
“Well,” said the priest, “Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box.”
Another woman came and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned.”
The priest asked, “What did you do?”
“I cheated on my husband.”
“How many times?”
Again the priest said, “Say 5 Hail Marys and put 5 dollars in the offering box.”
Then the priest said to the rabbi, “Would you like to do the next confession?”
The rabbi started to object, but the priest said, “Go ahead. It’s easy.”
So another woman came in and said, “Bless me Father for I have sinned.”
This time the rabbi asked, “What did you do?”
“I cheated on my husband.”
“How many times?”
The woman said, “Twice.”
Then the rabbi said, “Well go do it again. They’re 3 for 5 dollars today.
A judge asks a defendant to please stand. “You are charged with murdering a garbage man with a chain saw.”
From the back of the courtroom a man shouts, “You lying bastard!”
“Silence in the court!” The judge turns to the defendant again and says, “You are also charged with killing a paperboy with a shovel.”
“You tightwad!” blurts the spectator.
“Quiet!” yelled the judge. “You are also charged with killing a mailman with an electric drill.”
“You cheap son of a… ” the spectator starts to shout.
The judge thunders back, ” I will hold you in contempt! What is the reason for your outbursts?”
“I’ve lived next to that lying bastard for 10 years now, but do you think he ever had a tool when I needed to borrow one?”
~Your kids are becoming you……but your grandchildren are perfect!
~Going out is good.. Coming home is better!
~You forget names…. But it’s OK because other people forgot they even knew you!!!
~You realize you’re never going to be really good at anything…. especially Golf.
~The things you used to care to do, you no longer care to do, but you really do care that you don’t care to do them anymore.
~You sleep better on a lounge chair with the TV blaring than in bed. It’s called “pre-sleep”.
~You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” Switch..
~You tend to use more 4 letter words … “what?”…”when?”… ???
~Now that you can afford expensive jewelry, it’s not safe to wear it anywhere.
~You notice everything they sell in stores is “sleeveless”?!!!
~What used to be freckles are now liver spots.
~You have 3 sizes of clothes in your closet…. 2 of which you will never wear.
~~~But Old is good in some things: Old songs, Old movies, and best of all, OLD FRIENDS!!
Remember, it’s Not What You Gather, But What You Scatter That Tells What Kind Of Life You Have Lived
Two men were talking. ‘So, how’s your sex life?’
‘Oh, nothing special, I’m having Pension sex.’
‘Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!’
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, ‘I’ve got a big problem, doctor.
Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.’
‘My dear,’ the shrink said, ‘that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.’
‘The problem is,’ she complained, ‘it wakes me up!’
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found him, resting on the seventh day.
He inquired, “Where have you been?”
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put life on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. “For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things.”
God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”
The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to a land area and said, “What’s that one?”
“That’s Alberta, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and plains. The people from Alberta are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, dependable, and producers of products to feed the world.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.”
God smiled, “There’s Quebec. Wait till you see the idiots I put there.”
A man was in a terrible accident, and his ‘manhood’ was mangled and torn from his body.
His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery since it was considered cosmetic.
The doctor said the cost would be
$3,500 for ‘small,
$6,500 for ‘medium,
And $14,000 for ‘large.’
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options.
The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
‘Well, what have the two of you decided?’ asked the doctor.
‘She’d rather remodel the kitchen.’
STUTTERING CAT – AS EXPLAINED BY A GRADE 4 STUDENT
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.
“Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she said.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.”
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well,” she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
“That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.
“It sure was,” said the little girl. “My kitty raised her back, went ‘Ffffff!, Ffffff!, Fffffff,’; but before she could say ‘F**k!,’ the Rottweiler ate her!”
The teacher had to leave the room …
A COWBOY TOMBSTONE
Here are the Five Rules for Men to Follow for a Happy Life that Russell J. Larsen had inscribed on his headstone in Logan, Utah. He died not knowing that he would win the “Coolest Headstone” contest.
FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW FOR A HAPPY LIFE:
It’s important to have a woman who helps at home, cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.
It’s important to have a woman who can make you laugh.
It’s important to have a woman who you can trust, and doesn’t lie to you.
It’s important to have a woman who is good in bed, and likes to be with you.
It’s very, very important that these four women do not know each other or you could end up dead like me.
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel.
On the day of their 40th wedding anniversary, the husband yelled, ‘when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.’
‘Yeah,’ she replies, ‘when you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads:
‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.’
SPECIAL LAWYER TREATMENT
A lawyer dies and goes to the end of a long line at the Pearly Gates. To his surprise, St. Peter leaves his desk, walks over and greets him warmly. An angel takes the lawyer by the hand, guides him to the front of the line and settles him into a comfortable chair.
The lawyer says, “I appreciate all this attention, but what makes me so special?”
St. Peter replies, “Well, we’ve added up all the hours that you billed your clients, and by my calculation, you must be about 193 years old!”
What do you get when you put 50 lawyers in a room with 50 lesbians?
One hundred people who don’t do dick.
A GOOD LAWYER KNOWS THE LAW, A GREAT LAWYER …
A good lawyer knows the law; a great lawyer knows the judge.
CHECK THE EMAIL ADDRESS
A few days after her husband’s death, a grieving widow accidentally receives an e-mail from a man waiting for his wife in Miami.
The e-mail reads:
Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
P.S. Sure is hot down here
Tower: “Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o’clock, 6 miles!”
Delta 351: “Give us another hint! We have digital watches!”
Tower: “TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees.”
TWA 2341: “Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?”
Tower: “Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?”
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: “I’m f….ing bored!”
Ground Traffic Control: “Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!”
Unknown aircraft: “I said I was f…ing bored, not f…ing stupid!”
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, “What was your last known position?”
Student: “When I was number one for takeoff?”
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long rollout after touching down.
San Jose Tower noted: “American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport.”
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): “Ground, what is our start clearance time?”
Ground (in English): “If you want an answer, you must speak in English.”
Lufthansa (in English): “I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?”
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):”Because you lost the bloody war!”
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one’s gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: “Frankfurt, Speedbird 206! Clear of active runway.”
Ground: “Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven.”
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: “Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?”
Speedbird 206: “Stand by, Ground, I’m looking up our gate location now.”
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience):”Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?”
Speedbird 206: (coolly): “Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark – and I didn’t land.”
A HOLIDAY WARNING
With the holidays upon us, I would like to share a personal experience about drinking and driving. As you may know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a “social session” out with friends.
Well, two days ago, I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice white wine. Feeling jolly, I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That’s when I did something that I’ve never done before – I took a cab home instead of calling my sister.
Sure enough, on the way home, there was a police road block, but since it was a cab, they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident.
This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don’t know where I got it, and now that it’s in my garage, I don’t know what to do with it.
A new priest, born and raised in Montana,
comes to serve in a city parish and is nervous about hearing confessions,
so he asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions.
The new priest hears a couple of confessions,
then the old priest asks him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, “Cross your arms over your chest,
and rub your chin with one hand and try saying things like
‘yes, I see,’ and ‘yes, go on,’ and ‘I understand.’
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand and repeats
all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, “Now, don’t you think that’s a little better
than slapping your knee and saying, “No shit, what happened next?
LITTLE JOHNNY AND AMERICAN HISTORY
The teacher said, “Let’s begin by reviewing some American History. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death’?”
She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Little Johnny a bright foreign exchange student from Japan, who had his hand up: ‘Patrick Henry, 1775’ he said.
Who said, ‘Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?’
Again, no response except from Little Johnny, ‘Abraham Lincoln, 1863’.
‘Excellent!’ said the teacher continuing, ‘let’s try one a bit more difficult…’
Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country?’
Once again, Johnny’s was the only hand in the air and he said; ‘John F. Kennedy, 1961’.
The teacher snapped at the class, ‘Class, you should be ashamed of yourselves, Little Johnny isn’t from this country and he knows more about our history than you do.’
She heard a loud whisper: ‘F**k the Japs,’
‘Who said that? I want to know right now!’ she angrily demanded.
Little Johnny put his hand up, ‘General MacArthur, 1945.’
At that point, a student in the back said, ‘I’m gonna puke.’
The teacher glares around and asks, ‘All right!!! Now who said that!?’
Again, Little Johnny says, ‘George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.’
Now furious, another student yells, ‘Oh yeah? Suck this!’
Little Johnny jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher , ‘Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!’
Now with almost mob hysteria someone said, ‘You little shit. If you say anything else, I’ll kill you.’
Little Johnny frantically yells at the top of his voice, ‘Michael Jackson to the child witnesses testifying against him, 2004.’
The teacher fainted.
As the class gathered around the teacher on the floor, someone said, ‘Oh shit, We’re screwed!’
Little Johnny said quietly, ‘the American people, November 6, 2012.’
LUCKY BREAKS & CRYING SHAMES
Q: What is the definition of a “lucky break”?
A: When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.
Q: What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
A: There was an empty seat
THE FIRST CHRISTMAS STORY
A couple were Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve and the whole place was heaving, packed with other last minute shoppers
Walking through the shopping centre the surprised wife looked up from a window display and noticed her husband was nowhere to be seen.
She knew they had lots still to do and she became very upset.
She rummaged in her handbag and found her mobile phoned then used it to call her husband to ask him where he was.
The husband in a calm voice replied: “Darling, you remember the jewellery shop we went into five years ago, where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that one day I would get it for you…?”
His wife’s eyes filled with tears of emotion, she began to cry softly and stifling a sob she whispered:”Yes, I remember that jewellery shop…”
“Well,” he said, “I’m in the pub next to that.”
It’s a slow day in heaven, so St. Peter decides to show a new guy around.
St. Peter shows him all of the sights: the golf course, library, observation deck, cafeteria and a huge room full of clocks.
“What’s up with those clocks, Peter?”
“Everyone on Earth has a clock that shows how much time he has left. When a clock runs out of time, the person dies and comes to the gates to be judged.”
The guy notices that some of the clocks are going faster than others. St. Peter tells him that every time a living person tells a lie, it speeds up his clock.
The guy notices one clock in the center of the ceiling with both hands whirling around at an unbelievable rate.
“What’s the story with that clock?”
“Oh, that,” St. Peter replies. “That’s Barrack Obama’s clock. We decided to use it as a fan.”
These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
Don’t let worry kill you off – let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be try-outs for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
This evening at 7 PM, there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge – Up Yours.”
– Credit to Casey Research Dec. 7, 2012
AFTERLIFE FOR TAX CHEATERS
Tony and his friend John die in a car accident and go to judgment. God tells Tony that because he cheated on his income taxes, the only way he can enter Heaven is to sleep with a stupid, ugly woman for the next five years.
A few days later, as Tony’s walking in the park with his stupid, hideous new girlfriend, he spots his friend John with an absolutely drop dead gorgeous woman. “John, what happened?” Tony asks.
“I have no idea,” John replies. “I was told I have five years of amazing sex to look forward to. The only thing I don’t understand is why she always yells ‘Damn income taxes!’ whenever we have sex.”
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, ‘Name seven advantages of Mother’s Milk.’ The question was worth 70 points or none at all.
One student, in particular, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
However, he wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother, and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell rang indicating the end of the test, he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it’s high enough off the ground where the cat can’t get it.
He got an A.
LITTLE JOHNNY’S “BOOKISH” FATHER
Little Johnny was in class and the teacher announced that they were going to try something different to help everyone get to know each other a little better, and to help with their spelling.
She explained, “I want you to stand up and give us the occupation of your father, spell it, and say one thing he would give us all if he was here today.”
The first student raised her hand to volunteer.
“Marcy,” the teacher said. “You may go first.”
Marcy replied, “My father is a banker. B-A-N-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a shiny new penny.”
The teacher said, “Very nice, Marcy, who wants to go next?”
Kevin stood up and announced, “My father is a baker. B-A-K-E-R and if he was here today, he would give us all a freshly-baked cookie.”
“Very good,” the teacher told Kevin.
Jeff was next, and he said, “My father is an accountant. A-K, no wait, A-C-K, no…”
Before he could attempt to spell it once more, the teacher cut him off and told him to sit back down and to think about it for a while. When he thought he knew how to spell it, he could stand back up and try again.
Little Johnny raised his hand in excitement hoping to be acknowledged by the teacher. The teacher called on little Johnny to go next.
Johnny said, “My father is a bookie. B-O-O-K-I-E and if he was here today, he would give us all 20:1 odds Jeff will never be able to spell “accountant.”
THE LAWYER KEEPS HIS PROMISE
A dying man gives each of his best friends — a lawyer, doctor and clergyman — an envelope containing $25,000 in cash to be placed in his coffin.
A week later the man dies and the friends each place an envelope in the coffin. Several months later, the clergyman confesses that he only put $10,000 in the envelope and sent the rest to a mission in South America.
The doctor confesses that his envelope had only $8,000 because he donated to a medical charity.
The lawyer is outraged, “I am the only one who kept my promise to our dying friend. I want you both to know that the envelope I placed in the coffin contained my own personal check for the entire $25,000.”
DATING POINTS FROM A SCOTSMAN
A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.
“Did you smell that food?” she asked. “Incredible!”
Being a ‘Kind Hearted Scotsman’, he thought, “What the heck…, I’ll treat her!”
So, they walked past it again…
iPAD VS NEWSPAPER
I was visiting my son last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
‘This is the 21st century, he said. ‘I don’t waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad.’
I can tell you this, that damn fly never knew what hit him.
BEER AND THOUGHT
Mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a couple nice cold beers. The day was really quite beautiful, and the brew facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, “it might be nice to have another child.”
On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, “You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts.”
I rest my case. Time for another beer.
WHITE LIE CAKE
Have you ever told a white lie?
Alice Grayson was to bake a cake for the Methodist Church Ladies’ Group, but forgot to do it until the last minute.
She remembered it the morning of the bake sale and after rummaging through cabinets, found an angel food cake mix & quickly made it while drying her hair, dressing, and helping her son pack for scout camp.
When she took the cake from the oven, the center had dropped flat.
The cake was horribly disfigured and she exclaimed, “Oh dear, there is not time to bake another cake!”
So, being inventive, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.
She found it in the bathroom – a roll of toilet paper!
She plunked it in and then covered it with icing. Not only did the finished product look beautiful, it looked perfect.
Before she left the house to drop the cake by the church and head for work, Alice woke her daughter and gave her some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the moment it opened at 9:30 and to buy the cake and bring it home.
When the daughter arrived at the sale, she found the attractive, perfect cake had already been sold. She grabbed her cell phone and called her mom.
Alice was horrified…she was beside herself!
Everyone would know! What would they think? She would be ostracized, talked about, and ridiculed!
All night, Alice lay awake in bed thinking about people pointing fingers at her and talking about her behind her back.
The next day, Alice promised herself she would try not to think about the cake and would attend the fancy luncheon/bridal shower at the home of a fellow church member and try to have a good time.
She did not really want to attend because the hostess was a snob who more than once had looked down her nose at the fact that Alice was a single parent and not from the founding families of the community. But having already RSVP’d, she couldn’t think of a believable excuse to stay home.
The meal was elegant, the company was definitely upper crust, and to Alice’s horror, the cake in question was presented for dessert!
Alice felt the blood drain from her body when she saw the cake!
She started out of her chair to tell the hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, the Mayor’s wife said,
“What a beautiful cake!”
Alice, still stunned, sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say, “Thank you, I baked it myself.”
Alice smiled and thought to herself, “Yes, there is justice on earth.”
ENGINEERING IN HELL
Noticing a mistake in St. Peter’s roster, God calls Satan; “It seems you accidentally received some of my professionals down there: a teacher, a doctor and a farmer.”
“Yeah,” Satan replies, “All the more for me!”
God replies, “You better send them up here immediately.”
Satan says, “No way. I’m keeping them.”
God says, “Send them up here, or I’ll sue the horns right off you.”
Satan laughs uproariously, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
BASEBALL IN HEAVEN
Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?”
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno. But let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.”
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol… .”
Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?”
“Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?”
“Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.”
“Gimme the good news first,” says Sol.
Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.”
Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?”
Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”
CAB DRIVER GOES TO HEAVEN
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, “OK, we’ll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff.”
The preacher is shocked and replies, “But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!”
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, “This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed.”
GOD’S DEAD DOG
Mom and Dad were trying to console Susie, whose dog, Skipper, had recently died.
“You know,” Mom said, “it’s not so bad. Skipper’s probably up in Heaven right now, having a grand old time with God.”
Susie stopped crying and asked, “What would God want with a dead dog?”
THE NIGHT WATCHMAN
This obviously applies to the U.S. but it’s certainly applicable to all governments.
Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.
Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.”
So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.
Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?”
So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.
Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?”
So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One was to do the studies and one was to write the reports.
Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?”
So they created two positions, a time keeper and a payroll officer then hired two people.
Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”
So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, an Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.
Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $918,000 over budget, we must cut back.”
So they laid off the night watchman.
NOW, slowly, let it sink in.
Quietly, we go like sheep to slaughter. Does anybody remember the reason given for the establishment of the DEPARTMENT OF ENERGY during the Carter administration?
Didn’t think so!
Bottom line is, we’ve spent several hundred billion dollars in support of an agency, the reason for which very few people who read this can remember!
It was very simple … and at the time, everybody thought it very appropriate.
The Department of Energy was instituted on 8/4/1977, TO LESSEN OUR DEPENDENCE ON FOREIGN OIL.
Hey, pretty efficient, huh???
AND NOW IT’S 2012 — 35 YEARS LATER — AND THE BUDGET FOR THIS “NECESSARY” DEPARTMENT IS AT $24.2 BILLION A YEAR. IT HAS 16,000 FEDERAL EMPLOYEES AND APPROXIMATELY 100,000 CONTRACT EMPLOYEES; AND LOOK AT THE JOB IT HAS DONE!
(THIS IS WHERE YOU SLAP YOUR FOREHEAD AND SAY, “WHAT WERE THEY THINKING?”)
34 years ago 30% of our oil consumption was foreign imports. Today 70% of our oil consumption is foreign imports.
Ah, yes — good old Federal bureaucracy.
NOW, WE HAVE TURNED OVER THE BANKING SYSTEM, HEALTH CARE, AND THE AUTO INDUSTRY TO THE SAME GOVERNMENT?
Hello!! Anybody Home?
Signed…The Night Watchman
(P.S. Thanks, Phil)
LITTLE JOHNNY… FINDING JESUS
A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, “Where is Jesus today?”
Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”
Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”
Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”
The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.
“Well,” Little Johnny says, “every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells ‘Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'”
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS
HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT’S UP.
THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT, ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS, “BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU’VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE.”
BILLY SAYS, “I’M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN’T GONE POTTY YET.”
MOTHER SAYS, “OKAY, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES, BUT BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?”
BILLY SAYS, “WORKS FOR KETCHUP.”
50 SHADES OF GREY
Four guys have been going to the same fishing trip for many years.
Two days before the group is to leave, Ron’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.
Ron’s mates are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do.
Two days later the three get to the camping site to find Ron sitting there with a tent set up, firewood gathered, and dinner cooking on the fire, sitting having a cold beer.
“Shit Ron, how long you been here, and how did you talk your missus into letting you go?”
“Well, I’ve been here since last night. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?” I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie.
She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she’s been reading 50 Shades of Grey……
On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.
And then she said, “Do whatever you want.”
So, here I am!
A BLONDE JOKE THAT YOU’VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE ..
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, ‘Well, then, maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!’
The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, ‘Well, little lady, why don’t you go give it a try?’
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, and spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
He saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blond took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blond struggled with the gator.
Then, rolling her eyes, she screamed in frustration . . .
“DAMN!! THIS ONE’S BAREFOOT, TOO!”
HILLARY CLINTON ON THE PHONE TO BILL
Hillary Clinton goes to her doctor for a check-up, only to find out that she’s pregnant.
She is furious… Here she is – in the middle of dealing with this crisis in the middle east now this has happened to her!
She calls home, gets Bill on the phone and immediately starts screaming: “You B——!! How could you have let this happen? With all that’s going on right now, you go and get me pregnant! How could you? I can’t believe this! I’ve just found out I’m five weeks pregnant and it’s all your fault!…………Well, what have you got to say?”
There is nothing but dead silence on the phone. She screams again, “Did you hear me?”
Finally, she hears Bill’s very, very quiet voice, in a barely audible whisper, “Who’s speaking?”
A man in walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
“Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce.”
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, “and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half.”
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy,”
I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who can think on their feet here. Where are you from son?”
“New Zealand, sir,” the boy replied.
“Why did you leave New Zealand ?” the manager asked.
The boy said, “Sir, there’s nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there.”
“Is that right?” replied the manager, ” My wife is from New Zealand !”
“Really?” replied the boy, “Who’d she play for?”
NEWS FLASH FROM THE CANADIAN COAST
The Canadian Navy intercepted three boatloads of people off the coast of Canada today.
This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boats were not heading to, but away from Canada towards the Middle East .
Another surprise finding was that they were loaded with Canadians who were all seniors of pension age.
Their claim was that they were trying to get to the Middle East so as to be able to return to Canada as illegal immigrants and therefore be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Canadian pensioners.
The Navy, it is believed, gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey.
We are booking the next boat out. Let me know if you want to come.
At the wedding reception someone yelled,
“Would all the married men, please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living.”
The bartender was almost crushed to death.
A MUSLIM QUARTERBACK
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Saskatchewan Roughriders The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the US and European Leagues, but he couldn’t find a ringer who could ensure a Grey Cup win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.
“I’ve got to get this guy!” Coach said to himself. “He has the perfect arm!”
So, he brings him to the Canada and teaches him the great game of football. And the Riders go on to win the Grey Cup.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
“Mom,” he says into the phone, “I just won the Grey Cup!”
“I don’t want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says.”You are not my son!”
“I don’t think you understand, Mother,” the young man pleads. “I’ve won the greatest sporting event in Canada . I’m here among thousands of my adoring fans.”
“No! Let me tell you!” his mother retorts. “At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn’t get raped!” The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, “I will never forgive you for making us move to Regina !!”
THE JEWISH SAMURAI
There once was a powerful Japanese emperor who needed a new Chief Samurai.
So he sent out a declaration throughout the entire known world that he was searching for a Chief.
A year passed, and only three people applied for the very demanding position: a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a Jewish samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Japanese samurai opened a matchbox, and out popped a bumblebee. Whoosh! went his sword.
The bumblebee dropped dead, chopped in half. The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!”
The emperor then issued the same challenge to the Chinese samurai, to come in and demonstrate why he should be chosen. The Chinese samurai also opened a matchbox and out buzzed a fly. Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh! The fly dropped dead, chopped into four small pieces. The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!”
Now the emperor turned to the Jewish samurai, and asked him to demonstrate why he should be the chief samurai. The Jewish Samurai opened a matchbox, and out flew a gnat. His flashing sword went Whoosh!
But the gnat was still alive and flying around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, said, “Very ambitious, but why is that gnat not dead?”
The Jewish Samurai just smiled and said, “Circumcision is not meant to kill”.
THE MALE CYCLE
When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.
When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.
In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional.
Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide.
So I decided I needed a girl with stability.
When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring.
She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything.
Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.
When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn’t keep up with her.
She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless.
So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.
When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her.
She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.
After having their 11th child, a Newfoundland couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor/veterinarian and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Newfie said to the doctor, “I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firecracker in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.”
“Trust me,” said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a firecracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:
at which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, and resumed counting on his other hand.
This procedure also works in Quebec and some parts of Saskatchewan .
WISDOM FROM THE BAR
Luke ”The Drifter” says:
“We Americans got so tired of being thought of as dumbasses by the rest of the world that we went to the polls November, 2012 and removed all doubt.”
LITTLE JOHNNY MEETS BARACK OBAMA
Barack Obama was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked the president if he would like to lead the discussion on the word ‘tragedy.’
So our illustrious president asked the class for an example of a ‘tragedy.’
One little boy stood up and offered: “If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy.”
“No,” said Obama, “that would be an accident.”
A little girl raised her hand: “If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy.”
“I’m afraid not,” explained Obama. “That’s what we would call great loss.”
The room went silent. No other child volunteered.. Obama searched the room. “Isn’t there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?”
Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. In a quiet voice he said: “If the plane carrying you and Mrs. Obama was struck by a ‘friendly fire’ missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.”
“Fantastic!” exclaimed Obama. “That’s right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?”
“Well,” says Johnny, “It has to be a tragedy, because it sure wouldn’t be a great loss, and you can bet your butt it wouldn’t be an accident either.
POLITICS IS THE LAST RESORT OF THE SCOUNDREL
What happens if a politician drowns in a river? That is pollution. What happens if all of them drown? That‘s the solution!!!
We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office.
~Aesop, Greek slave & fable author
Those who are too smart to engage in politics are punished by being governed by those who are dumber.
~Plato, ancient Greek Philosopher
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.
~Nikita Khrushchev, Russian Soviet politician
When I was a boy I was told that anybody could become President; I’m beginning to believe it.
~Quoted in ‘Clarence Darrow for the Defense’ by Irving Stone.
Politicians are people who, when they see light at the end of the tunnel, go out and buy some more tunnel.
~John Quinton, American actor/writer
Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer, “the Mark Twain of American Socialism.”
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. AND … the Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.
~P.J. O’Rourke, American comedian
I offered my opponents a deal: “If they stop telling lies about me, I will stop telling the truth about them”.
~Adlai Stevenson, campaign speech, 1952..
A politician is a fellow who will lay down your life for his country.
~Texas Guinan, 19th century American businessman
I have come to the conclusion that politics is too serious a matter to be left to the politicians.
~Charles de Gaulle, French general & politician
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be better to change the locks.
~Doug Larson (English middle-distance runner, gold medals 1924 Olympic Games in Paris)
The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
~Variously attributed to Will Rogers and George Bernard Shaw
GEORGE CARLIN’S VIEW ON AGING
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions. “How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!”
You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on
five! That’s the key. You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead. “How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16!
And then the greatest day of your life . . . you become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . . . YOU BECOME 21. . . YEAS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk. He TURNED, we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40.
Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 . . . and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday! You get into your 80s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.
And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; “I was JUST 92.” Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
EVE CHATS WITH GOD
“Lord, I have a problem.”
“What’s the problem, Eve?”
“I know that you created me and provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, as well as that hilarious comedic snake, but I’m just not happy.”
“And why is that Eve?”
“Lord, I am lonely, and I’m sick to death of apples.”
“Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you.”
“Man? What is that Lord?”
“A flawed creature, with many bad traits. He’ll lie, cheat and be vain; all in all, he’ll give you a hard time. But he’ll be bigger, faster and will like to hunt and kill things. He will look silly when he is aroused, but since you’ve been complaining, I’ll create him in such a way that he will satisfy your physical needs. He will be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won’t be too smart, so he will also need your advice to think properly.”
“Sounds great,” says Eve, with ironically raised eyebrows, “but what’s the catch Lord?”
“Well…..you can have him on one condition.”
“And what’s that Lord?”
“As I said, he’ll be proud, arrogant and self-admiring…..so you’ll have to let him believe that I made him first. And it will have to be our little secret…… You know, woman to woman”
While sitting at your desk make clockwise circles with your right foot.
While doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand.
Your foot will change direction.
Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and you have to read his reply to the woman who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you
going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?
GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see why, they’ll be properly supervised on the rifle range.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don’t you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?
GENERAL REINWALD: I don’t see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.
FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you’re equipping them to become violent killers.
GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you’re equipped to be a prostitute, but you’re not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.
THIS IS HOW BUSINESS IS DONE
Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son…
Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : “I will choose my own bride”.
Jack: “But the girl is Bill Gates’ daughter.”
Son : “Well, in that case…”
Next Jack approaches Bill Gates…
Jack: “I have a husband for your daughter.”
Bill Gates : “But my daughter is too young to marry.”
Jack: “But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.”
Bill Gates: “Ah, in that case…”
Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank…
Jack: “I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.”
President: “But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.”
Jack: “But this young man is Bill Gates’ son-in-law.”
President: “Ah, in that case…..”
You see? This is how business is done.
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Scotsman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives.
“Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.”
“Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelet and told me she could never love another man.”
When the Scotsman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?”
“Once,” he replied.
“Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?”
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
We will no longer accept a doctor’s statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offence, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the “Chronic Offenders category”. Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company’s mental health policy.
Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that’s all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
A REAL MAN
A real man is a woman’s best friend. He will never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure and comfort her after a bad day.
He will inspire her to do things she never thought she could do; to live without fear and regret.
He will enable her to express her deepest emotions and give in to her most intimate desires.
He will make sure she always feels as though she’s the most beautiful woman in the room and will enable her to be the most confident, sexy, seductive, and invincible.
No wait… sorry… I’m thinking of wine. It’s wine that does all that…….
His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.
He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.
Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.
He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, ‘Let’s go’.
The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.
Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, ‘Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.’
‘Why?’ asked the pilot.
‘Because I’m a photographer for CNN’, he responded, ‘and I need to get some close up shots.’
The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, ‘So, what you’re telling me, is . . . You’re NOT my flight instructor?’
BRITISH LITTLE JOHNNY
A English teacher asked her class how many of them were Labour Party’s Gordon Brown fans.
Not really knowing what a Gordon Brown fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.
The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different…again.
Little Johnny said, ‘Because I’m not a Gordon Brown fan.’
The teacher asked, ‘Why aren’t you a Gordon Brown fan?’
Johnny said, ‘Because I’m a Conservative.’
The teacher asked him why he’s a Conservative.
Little Johnny answered, ‘Well, my Mum’s a Conservative and my Dad’s a Conservative, so I’m a Conservative.’
Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, ‘If your Mum was a moron and your Dad was an idiot, what would that make you?’
Little Johnny replied, ‘A Gordon Brown fan.’
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.
When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, “Why the spoon?” “Well, “he explained, “the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.”
As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. “I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now.” I was impressed.
I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, “Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?”
“Oh, certainly!” Then he lowered his voice. “Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent.”
I asked “After you get it out, how do you put it back?”
“Well,” he whispered, “I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon.”
ELEVEN PEOPLE ON A ROPE
Eleven people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter. Ten men and one woman.
The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave, because otherwise they were all going to fall.
They weren’t able to choose that person, until the woman gave a very touching speech.
She said that she would voluntarily let go of the rope, because, as a woman, she was used to giving up everything for her husband and kids or for men in general, and was used to always making sacrifices with little in return.
When she finished her speech, all the men started clapping
MESSAGE FROM THE QUEEN
To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II
In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.
(You should look up ‘revocation’ in the Oxford English Dictionary.)
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).
Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up ‘vocabulary’).
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.
8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.
11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).
12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.
14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).
15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.
God Save the Queen!
NEWFOUNDLAND DECLARES WAR ON THE USA
President Barack Obama was in the Oval Office when his telephone rang.
“Hallo, President Obama ” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Archie, up ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger’s Cove, Newfoundland , Canada , eh? I am callin’ to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on ya!”
“Well Archie,” Barack replied, “This is indeed important news ! How big is your army ?”
“Right now,” said Archie, after a moments calculation “there is myself, me cousin Harold, me next-door-neighbor Mick, and the whole dart team from the pub. That makes eight!”
Barack paused. “I must tell you Archie that I have one million men in my army waiting to move on my command.”
“Wow,” said Archie. “I’ll have ta call ya back!”
Sure enough, the next day, Archie called again. “Mr. Obama, the war is still on! We have managed to acquire some infantry equipment!”
“And what equipment would that be Archie?” Barack asked.
“Well sir, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Harry’s farm tractor.”
President Obama sighed. “I must tell you Archie, that I have 16,000 tanks and 14,000 armored personnel carriers. Also I’ve increased my army to one and a half million since we last spoke.”
“Lord above”, said Archie, “I’ll be getting back to ya.”
Sure enough, Archie rang again the next day. “President Obama , the war is still on! We have managed to git ourselves airborne! We up an’ modified Harrigan’s ultra-light wit a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Legion have joined us as well!”
Barack was silent for a minute then cleared his throat. “I must tell you Archie that I have 10,000 bombers and 20,000 fighter planes. My military complex is surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I’ve increased my army to TWO MILLION!”
“Jumpins,” said Archie, “l’ll have at call youse back.”
Sure enough, Archie called again the next day. ” President Obama ! I am sorry to have to tell you dat we have had to call off dis ‘ere war.”
“I’m sorry to hear that” said Barack. “Why the sudden change of heart?”
Well, sir,” said Archie, “we’ve all sat ourselves down and had a long chat over a bunch of pints, and come to realize dat dere’s no way we can feed two million prisoners..”
NEW DEFINTION OF S.O.S.
A C-130 was lumbering along when a cocky F-16 flashed by.
The jet jockey decided to show off.
The fighter jock told the C-130 pilot, ‘watch this!’ and promptly went into a barrel roll followed by a steep climb.
He then finished with a sonic boom as he broke the sound barrier. The F-16 pilot asked the C-130 pilot what he thought of that?
The C-130 pilot said, ‘That was impressive, but watch this!’
The C-130 droned along for about 5 minutes and then the C-130 pilot came back on and said: ‘What did you think of that?’
Puzzled, the F-16 pilot asked, ‘What the heck did you do?’
The C-130 pilot chuckled, ‘I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, took a leak, then got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon roll.’
We older folks understand this; it’s called S.O.S. – Slower, Older and Smarter….
NASCAR RACING NEWS
Jeff Gordon announced today that he was firing his entire pit crew. This announcement followed Gordon’s decision to take advantage of President Obama’s scheme to employ Harlem youngsters.
The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Harlem were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Gordon’s existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with thousands of dollars’ worth of high tech equipment.
It was thought to be an excellent and bold move by Gordon’s management team, as many races are won or lost in the pits.
However, Gordon got more than he bargained for.
At the crew’s first practice session, not only was the inexperienced crew able to change all 4 wheels in under 6 seconds, but within 9 seconds they had changed the paint scheme, altered the VIN number, and sold the car to Dale Earnhardt Jr. for 10 cases of Bud, a bag of weed, and some photos of Jeff Gordon’s wife in the shower
RAY IS GAY
He goes into the doctor’s office and has some tests run.
The doctor comes back and says, ‘ Ray, I’m not going to beat around the bush. You have AIDS.’
Ray is devastated. ‘Doc, what can I do?’
Doctor says ‘eat 1 curry sausage, 1 head of cabbage, 20 unpeeled carrots drenched in hot sauce, 10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, 1/2 box of All Bran, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice’.
Ray asks bewildered, ‘ Will that cure me, Doc?’
Doc says, ‘No, but it should leave you with a better understanding of what your butt is for’.
ED & NORMA
Ed and his wife Norma went to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would say, “Norma, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”
Norma always replied, “I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”
One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, “Norma, I’m 75 years old. If I don’t ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”
To this, Norma replied, “Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”
The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don’t say a word I won’t charge you a penny.”
“But if you say one word it’s fifty dollars.”
Ed and Norma agreed and up they went.
The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard.
He did his daredevil tricks over and over again,
But still not a word…
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said,
“By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”
Ed replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Norma fell out, but you know, fifty bucks is fifty bucks.”
TALE OF A SENIOR MOMENT
Several days ago as I left a meeting at a hotel; I desperately gave myself a personal pat down. I was looking for my keys.
They were not in my pockets or my purse. A quick search in the meeting room revealed nothing.
Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking
lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving the keys in the ignition.
My theory is the ignition is the best place not to lose them. His theory is that the car will be stolen.
As I burst through the door, I came to a terrifying conclusion. His theory was right. The parking lot was empty.
I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all, “Honey,” I stammered; I always call him “honey” in times like these. “I left my keys in the car, and it has been stolen.”
There was a period of silence. I thought the call had been dropped, but then I heard his voice. He barked, “I dropped you off!”
Now it was my time to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, “Well, come and get me.”
He retorted, “I was on my way, but I’ll be delayed.”
“Why is that?” I asked.
“Because I was pulled over by the police and now have to convince them that I didn’t steal your car.
As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I realized that I don’t really give a rat’s hiney. It’s the tortoise life for me!
1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.
3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.
4.. A tortoise doesn’t run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
And you tell me to exercise??
I don’t think so.
I’M RETIRED. GO AROUND ME.
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m older here’s what I’ve discovered:
1 I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats have turned into prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, where is it?
7. It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
8. Some days, you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
13. The only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he’d have put them on my knees.
15. When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone want to play chess?
16. Its not hard to meet expenses . . . they’re everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I’m hereafter
19. Funny, I don’t remember being absent-minded.
20. DID I POST THIS BEFORE……….??
One day an old German Shepherd starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he’s lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old German Shepherd thinks, “Oh, oh! I’m in deep trouble now!”
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old German Shepherd exclaims loudly,
“Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?”
Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.
“Whew!,” says the panther, “That was close! That old German Shepherd nearly had me!”
Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.
The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.
The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, “Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what’s going to happen to that conniving canine!”
Now, the old German Shepherd sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, “What am I going to do now?,” but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn’t seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old German Shepherd says…
“Where’s that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!”
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Don’t mess with the old-timers… Age and skill always overcome youth and treachery!
MY FAVORITE ANIMAL
Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.”
She said I wasn’t funny, but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else in the class laughed.
My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken.
She asked me why, just like she’d asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal’s office again.. He laughed, and told me not to do it again. I don’t understand.
My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.
I told her, “Colonel Sanders.”
Guess where I am now…
ONLY CHILDREN !!!
I was sitting on a bus behind a mother and her young son.
Her boy kept looking around and making weird funny faces at me.
After a few minutes I tired of his antics so I said,
“When I was a young boy my mother told me that if I made an ugly face it just might stay that way.”
The little b#?+*# replied, “Well, you can’t say you weren’t warned.”
OUR BUILDING PERMIT
We recently applied for a building permit for a new house.
We decided it was going to be 100 ft. tall and 400 ft. wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment system. We have enough property that it could have parking for 200 cars and my husband was going to paint it “snot green” while I insisted on pink trim.
The County Building permit office told us to go to hell.
So we sent in the application again….but this time we called it a Mosque.
Work starts on Monday…..
MUSLIM PASSENGER IN A TAXI
He asks the taxi-driver to turn off the radio.
He explains that he must not hear music as decreed by his religion , for in the time of the prophet, there was no music … no radio…….
So the driver turns off the radio, stops the car, leans over and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him : “What are you doing?”
The driver replied : “In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get the hell out my car and wait for a camel !!”
I had to look up “paraprosdokian”. Here is the definition:
“A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.”
“Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,” is a type of paraprosdokian.
Ok, so now enjoy! These’ll give you a good mental workout!
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. my desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
13. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
18. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
19. Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
20. There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
21. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
22. You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
23. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
24. Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
25. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
26. Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
27. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
28. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
29. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
Words of Wisdom:
“The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.”
~ Jon Hammond
Lulu was a prostitute – One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were
lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.
As Lulu stood in line, she saw her 87 year old Grandma coming down the street and
was so ashamed the grandmother didn’t know her occupation and stopped to say hi.
She asked what the line was for?
Lulu, saving face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those waiting.
Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges and got at the end of the line.
When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said “How the heck do you do this at your age?”
She said “I just take out my teeth, rip the skin back and suck ’em dry!”:
PASTOR ON HIS DEATH BED
An old pastor lay dying. He sent a message for a Revenue Canada Service agent and his lawyer to come to the hospital.
When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room.
As they entered the room, the pastor held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed.
The pastor grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything.
Both the RC agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments.
They were also puzzled because the pastor had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the Lawyer asked, Pastor, why did you ask the two of us to come here?
The old pastor mustered all his strength, and then said weakly, Jesus died between two thieves, and that’s how I’d like to go.
A couple had only been married for two weeks and the husband, although
very much in love, couldn’t wait to go out on the town and party with
his old buddies. So, he said to his new wife, “Honey, I’ll be right back.”
“Where are you going, Coochy Coo?” asked the wife.
“I’m going to the bar, Pretty Face,” he answered. I’m going to have a beer.”
The wife said, “You want a beer, my love?” She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer, brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan, India, etc
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, “Yes, Lollipop… but at the bar… You know… they have frozen glasses… ” He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, “You want a frozen glass, Puppy Face?”
She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, “Yes, Tootsie Roll, but at the bar they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long. I’ll be right back. I promise. OK?”
“You want hors d’oeuvres, Poochie Pooh?” She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, and little quiches.
“But my sweet honey… at the bar…. you know there’s swearing, dirty
words and all that…”
“You want dirty words, Cutie Pie? LISTEN UP CHICKEN SHIT! SIT YOUR ASS DOWN, SHUT THE HELL UP, DRINK YOUR BEER IN YOUR FROZEN MUG AND EAT YOUR HORS D’OEUVRES BECAUSE YOUR MARRIED ASS ISN’T GOING TO A DAMNED BAR! THAT SHIT IS OVER, GOT IT, JACKASS?”
and…they lived happily ever after! Isn’t that a sweet story? –
MARRIED LIFE – MAKES MY EYES WATER!
Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends.
You order what you want then, when you see what the other person has,
you wish you had ordered that.
Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come up again.
Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged Marriage.
It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
It is difficult to understand GOD. He makes such beautiful things as women
and then he turns them into Wives.
If u r married please ignore this msg,
for everyone else: Happy Independence Day
Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about
something you said.
After marriage, he’ll fall asleep before you finish.
Girlfriends are like chocolates; they taste good anytime.
Lovers are like PIZZAS: hot n spicy, eaten frequently.
Husbands are like Dal RICE, eaten when there’s no choice.
Man receives telegram: Wife dead-should she be buried or cremated?
Man: Don’t take any chances. Burn the body and bury the ash.
Prospective husband: Do you have a book called ‘Man, The Master
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
Q: Why dogs don’t marry?
A: Because they are already leading a dog’s life!
There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much
that he would go through hell for her.
They got married and now that’s what he’s doing.
Fact of life: One woman brings you into this world crying & the other
ensures you continue to do so for the rest of your life!
Q: Why doesn’t law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offence!
MORE MARRIAGE JOKES
When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him
– Lee Majors
After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin;
they just can’t face each other, but still they stay together.
– Al Gore
By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll be happy.
If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
Woman inspires us to great things, and prevents us from achieving them.
– Mike Tyson
The great question… which I have not been able to answer… is,
“What does a woman want?
– George Clooney
I had some words with my wife, and she had some paragraphs with me.
– Bill Clinton
“Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.”
– George W. Bush
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.”
– Rudy Giuliani
“There’s a way of transferring funds that is even faster than
electronic banking. It’s called marriage.”
– Michael Jordan
“I’ve had bad luck with all my wives. The first one left me and
the second one didn’t.” The third gave me more children!
– Donald Trump
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming
1. Whenever you’re wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you’re right, shut up.
– Shaquille O’Neal
The most effective way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once…
– Kobe Bryant
You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
– David Hasselhoff
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
– Alec Baldwin
A good wife always forgives her husband when she’s wrong.
– Barack Obama
Marriage is the only war where one sleeps with the enemy.
– Tommy Lee
A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds: “Wife wanted”.
Next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing:
“You can have mine.”
– Brad Pitt
First Guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second Guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”
– Jimmy Kimmel
“Honey, what happened to ‘ladies first’?”
Husband replies, “That’s the reason why the world’s a mess today,
because a lady went first!”
– David Letterman
“First there’s the promise ring, then the engagement ring, then
the wedding ring…soon after….comes Suffer…ing!
– Jay Leno
STILL MORE MARRIAGE JOKES
There Are Two Times When A Man Doesn’t Understand A Woman Before Marriage AndAfter Marriage.
Wife : I Will Die.
Husband : I Will Also Die.
Wife : Why Will You Die ?
Husband : Because I Can’t Bear That Much Happiness..!.
My Husband And I Divorced Over Religious Differences.
He Thought He Was God, And I Didn’t.
Marriage Is Like A Public Toilet Those Waiting Outside Are
Desperate To Get In & Those Inside Are Desperate To Come Out.
Whisky Is A Brilliant Invention. One Double And You Start
Feeling Single Again.
A Man Goes To The Wizard To Ask If He Can Remove A Curse
He Has Been Living With For The Last 40 Years.
The Wizard Says, “Maybe, But You Will Have To Tell Me
The Exact Words That Were Used To Put The Curse On You.”
The Man Says Without Hesitation, “I Now Pronounce You Man And Wife.”
Husband Searching Keywords On Google `How To Tackle
Wife?` Google Search Result, `Still Searching`.
Husband Throwing Darts At His Wife’s Photo And Not Even A Single One Hitting The Target..
From Another Room Wife Called The Husband : “Honey What Are You Doing?
Husband: “MISSING YOU”..
YET ANOTHER MARRIAGE JOKE
A Man Goes To See The Rabbi. “Rabbi, Something Terrible
Is Happening And I Have To Talk To You About It.”
The Rabbi Asked, “What’s Wrong?”
The Man Replied, “My Wife Is Poisoning Me.”
The Rabbi, Very Surprised By This, Asks, “How Can That Be?”
The man then pleads, “I’m telling you, I’m certain she’s poisoning me, what should I do?”
The Rabbi Then Offers, “Tell You What. Let Me Talk To Her, I’ll See What I Can Find Out And I’ll Let You Know.”
The Rabbi Calls after a while And Says, “Well I Spoke To Her For Three Hours. You Want My Advice?”
The Man Said “Yes”
The Rabbi Replied, “Take The poison”…!
NEW NATIONAL EMBLEM
The Government today announced that it is changing its national emblem to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government’s political stance.
A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of dicks, and gives you a sense of security while you’re actually being screwed!
A Polish man moved to the United States and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, acre and half with nice home.
No, I mean what is the foundation?
It made of concrete.
I don’t think you understand.
Do either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have carport.
I mean. What are your relations like?
All my relations in Poland .
Is there any infidelity in your marriage?
We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always up before her.
Is your wife a nagger ?
No, she white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I got proof.
What kind of proof?
She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at Drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read. It say: “Polish Remover”.
These has been a few tough years.
You have taken my favorite actor Patrick Swayze, my favorite musician Michael Jackson,
… my favorite salesman Billy Mays, my favorite actress Elizabeth Taylor,
… my favorite singer Whitney Houston, and now my favorite pannist, Bertie Marshall.
I just want you to know who my favorite politicians are …
A GLASS OF WINE
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine…
And those who don’t and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand.
As Ben Franklin said:
In wine there is wisdom,
In beer there is freedom,
In water there is bacteria.
In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink
one litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1
kilo of Escherichia coli, (E.. Coli) – bacteria found in feces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting.
Water = Poop,
Wine = Health .
Therefore, it’s better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of s**t.
Here is a new word to add to your vocabulary.
It will be especially useful to senior folks!
Just too tired to give a s**t.
My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized
that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.
About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.
The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (try to get a mental picture of this). Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.”
The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them…… I just never saw one mounted and framed.”
I AM NOT OLD
I woke up,
I lifted my arms,
I moved my knees,
I turned my neck….
Everything made the same noise:
I came to a conclusion:
I am not old,
I am crispy!!!
HUNTING IN CANADA
Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip.. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two lads objected strongly. “Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.”
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off.
However, while attempting to cross some mountains even on full power the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only Paddy and Mick survived the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, “Any idea where we are?”
Mick replied, “I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.”
THE MAN WHO GAVE UP SEX FOR GOLF
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. “Boy, I’d give anything to sink this putt,” the golfer mumbles to himself.
Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, “Would you be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?”
Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says, “Sure,” and sinks the putt.
Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, “Gee, I sure would like to get an eagle on this one.”
The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, “Would it be worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?”
Shrugging, the golfer replies, “Okay.” And he makes an eagle.
On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.
Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves to his side and says, “Would winning this match be worth giving up the rest of your sex life?”
“Definitely,” the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.
As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks alongside him and says, “I haven’t really been fair with you because you don’t know who I am. I’m Satan, and from this day forward you will have no sex life.”
“Nice to meet you,” the golfer replies, “I’m Father O’Malley.”
THE OFFICIAL TEXAS SHERIFF EXAM
A young Texan grew up wanting to be a lawman. He grew up big, 6′ 2”, strong as a longhorn, and fast as a mustang.
He could shoot a bottle cap tossed in the air at 40 paces.
When he finally came of age, he applied to where he had only dreamed of working: the West Texas Sheriff”s Department. After a series of tests and interviews, the Chief Deputy finally called him into his office for the young man’s last interview.
The Chief Deputy said, “You’re a big strong kid and you can really shoot.
So far your qualifications all look good, but we have what you might call an attitude suitability test’ that you must take before you can be accepted. We just don’t let anyone carry our badge, son.”
Then, sliding a service pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, the Chief said, “Take this pistol and go out and shoot:
six illegal aliens,
six meth dealers,
six Muslim extremists,
and a rabbit.”
“Why the rabbit?” queried the applicant.
“Great attitude. You pass.” said the Chief Deputy.
“When can you start?”
THE SHORTEST BOOKS OF ALL TIME
MY BLACK GIRLFRIENDS
By Tiger Woods
THINGS I LOVE ABOUT MY COUNTRY
By Jane Fonda and Cindy Sheehan
Illustrated by Michael Moore
Foreword by George Soros
MY CHRISTIAN ACCOMPLISHMENTS AND HOW I HELPED AFTER KATRINA
By Rev Jesse Jackson & Rev Al Sharpton
THINGS I CANNOT AFFORD
By Bill Gates
THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY
By Dennis Rodman
THINGS WE KNOW TO BE TRUE
By Al Gore and John Kerry
GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC
By Amelia Earhart
HOW TO LIVE LIFE TO THE FULLEST
By Dr. Jack Kevorkian
TO ALL THE MEN WE HAVE LOVED BEFORE
By Ellen de Generes and Rosie O’Donnell
GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE
By Mike Tyson
THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY
MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS
By O. J. Simpson
HOW TO DRINK AND DRIVE SAFELY
By Ted Kennedy
MY BOOK OF MORALS
By Bill Clinton
With introduction by The Rev. Jesse Jackson
MY COM-LETE KNOWLEDGE OF MILITARY STRATEGY
By Nancy Pelosi
THINGS I DID TO DESERVE THE NOBEL PEACE PRIZE
By Barack Obama
LITTLE JOHNNY, AGAIN
A teacher goes around her class asking each of the kids what do they need at home.
1st kid says “A computer”.
Teacher replies “That’d be very useful.”
Second kid says “A car” and gets a similar answer.
Johnny says ” At my house we don’t need nothin.”
The teacher asks him to think again carefully as everybody needs something.
Johnny replies, “No I’m sure. When my sister started going out with a Muslim, I remember my dad saying “Well that’s all we f**king need.”
Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie. He decides to test it at dinner.
“Son, where were you today?”
The son says “at school dad.”
Robot slaps the son!
“Ok, I watched a dvd at my friend’s house!”
Robot slaps the son again!
“Ok, it was a porno” cries the son.
“What! When I was your age I didn’t know what porn was” says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mom laughs “HaHaHa! He’s certainly your son.”
Robot slaps the mom.
A FARMER DECIDED HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, “SIR, WHAT’S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?”
THE OLD FARMER SAID, “THAT’S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK. WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES.”
“I’M SORRY SIR,” SAID THE TICKET AGENT. WE CAN’T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER.”
THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS. THEN HE RETURNED TO THE BOOTH,
BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.
THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . . THE OLD FARMER UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.
“MARGE,” WHISPERED MILDRED.
“WHAT?” SAID MARGE.
“I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT.”
“WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?” ASKED MARGE?
“HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT”, WHISPERED MILDRED.
“WELL, DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT”, SAID MARGE.. “AT OUR AGE WE’VE SEEN ‘EM ALL”
“I THOUGHT SO TOO”, SAID MILDRED, “BUT THIS ONE’S EATIN’ MY POPCORN…!”
FIRST CHRISTMAS JOKE
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
‘In honor of this holy season’ Saint Peter said, ‘You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.’
The man from Nova Scotia fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. ‘It represents a candle’, he said.
‘You may pass through the pearly gates’ Saint Peter said.
The man from Saskatchewan reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, ‘They’re bells.’
Saint Peter said ‘You may pass through the pearly gates’.
The Newfoundlander started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, ‘And just what do those symbolize?’
The Newfoundlander replied, ‘These are Carols.’
And So The Christmas Season Begins……
EVE’S SIDE OF THE STORY
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. ‘So, how is everything going ?’ inquired God.
‘It is all so beautiful, God,’ she replied. ‘The sunrises and sunsets are breath-taking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem..
It’s these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They’re a real pain.’
And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc She felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more ‘symmetrically balanced’.
‘That’s a fair point,’ replied God, ‘But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.’
And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes
Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden.
‘ Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation ?’
‘Just fantastic,’ she replied, ‘But for one oversight. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.’
God thought for a moment and said, ‘You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this ? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Let’s see….where did I put that useless boob ?’
Now doesn’t THAT make more sense than the rib story ?
LITTLE JOHNNY ON SALESMANSHIP
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited.
Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship.
Little Sally led off. “I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30” she said proudly, “My sales approach was to appeal to the customer’s civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success.”
“Very good”, said the teacher.
Little Debbie was next. “I sold magazines” she said, “I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events.”
“Very good, Debbie”, said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny’s turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher’s desk. “$2,467”, he said.
“$2,467!” cried the teacher, “What in the world were you selling?”
“Toothbrushes”, said Little Johnny. “Toothbrushes”, echoed the teacher, “How could you possibly sell enough tooth brushes to make that much money?”
“I found the busiest corner in town”, said Little Johnny, “I set up a Dip & Chip stand and I gave everybody who walked by a free sample.”
They all said the same thing, “Hey, this tastes like dog poop!” Then I would say, “It IS dog poop. Wanna buy a toothbrush? I used the President Obama method of giving you some crap, dressing it up so it looks good, telling you it’s free and then making you pay to get the bad taste out of your mouth.”
Little Johnny got five stars for his assignment.
COLD WINTER AHEAD
Its late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in Tama asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn’t tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the Weather Network and asked, ‘Is the coming winter going to be cold?’
‘It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,’ the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later, he called the Weather Network again. ‘Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?’
‘Yes,’ the man at Weather Service again replied, ‘it’s going to be a very cold winter.’
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later, the chief called the Weather Network again. ‘Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?’
‘Absolutely,’ the man replied. ‘It’s looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we’ve ever seen.’
‘How can you be so sure?’ the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, ‘Because the Indians are collecting a lot of firewood’
VOTED BEST SCOTTISH SHORT JOKE
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, “Excuse me, Miss, dey ye hae ony books on suicide?”
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
“Buggeroff, ye’ll no bring it back!”
ADULT JOKE OF THE YEAR
One day in the future, Barack Obama had a heart attack and died.
He immediately went to hell, where the devil was waiting for him.
“I don’t know what to do here,” says the devil. “You are on my list, but I have no room for you.
You definitely have to stay here, so I’ll tell you what I’m going to do. I’ve got a couple of folks here who weren’t quite as bad as you.
I’ll let one of them go, but you have to take their place.
I’ll even let YOU decide who leaves.” Obama thought that sounded pretty good, so the devil opened the door to the first room.
In it was Ted Kennedy and a large pool of water. Ted kept diving in, and surfacing empty handed. Over, and over, and over he dived in and surfaced with nothing. Such was his fate in hell.
“No,” Obama said. “I don’t think so. I’m not a good swimmer, and I don’t think I could do that all day long.”
The devil led him to the door of the next room.
In it was Al Gore with a sledge-hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time.
“No, this is no good; I’ve got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day,” commented Obama.
The devil opened a third door. Through it, Obama saw Bill Clinton, lying on the bed, his arms tied over his head, and his legs restrained in a spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Obama looked at this in shocked disbelief, and finally said, “Yeah! Man, I can handle this.”
The devil smiled and said……….. “OK, Monica, you’re free to go.”
ONLY AN 11 YR OLD WOULD DO THIS
As we SilverSurfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers.
I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over.
Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired,
‘An, ID ten T error? What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Eric grinned …’Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?
‘No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down:
I used to like Eric, the little s**t head.
HISTORY’S TOP 10 TIMES FOR APPROPRIATE USE OF THE F-WORD
10th – “Scattered f***ing showers, my ass!” – Noah, 4314 BC
9th – “How the f*** did you work that out?” – Pythagoras, 126 BC
8th – “You want WHAT on the f***ing ceiling?” – Michelangelo, 1566
7th – “Where did all those f***ing Indians come from?” – Custer, 1877
6th – “It does so f***ing look like her!” – Picasso, 1926
5th – “Where the f*** are we?” – Amelia Earhart, 1937
4th – “Any f***ing idiot could understand that.” – Einstein, 1938
3rd – “What the f*** was that?” – Mayor Of Hiroshima , 1945
2nd – “I need this parade like I need a f***ing hole in the head!” – JFK, 1963
AND … Drum roll please …
The Number 1 most appropriate time for using the “F” word …..
“Aw c’mon. Who the f*** is gonna find out?” – Tiger Woods, 2009
THE PASTOR’S FAMILY
A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the pastor’s family expanded; so would his paycheck….
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary….
A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost….
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.”…
Silence fell over the congregation. In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”
The entire congregation said, “Amen”
A BLONDE IN A HAILSTORM
A blonde was driving home after a game & got caught in a really bad
hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it
to a repair shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he
decided to have some fun… He told her to go home and blow into the
tail pipe really hard, & all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands & knees & started
blowing into her tailpipe. Nothing happened. So she blew a little
harder, & still nothing happened.
Her blonde roommate saw her & asked, ‘What are you doing?’ The first
blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the
tail pipe in order to get all the dents to pop out.
The roommate rolled her eyes & said, ‘Uh, like hello!
You need to roll up the windows first.’
WHY OUR HEALTH CARE COSTS ARE SO HIGH
Kevin had shingles.
Those of us who spent time in a doctor’s office should appreciate this! Doesn’t it seem more and more that physicians are running their practices like an assembly line?
Here’s what happened to Kevin:
Kevin walked into a doctor’s office and the receptionist asked him what he had. Kevin said: ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.
Fifteen minutes later a nurse’s aide came out and asked Kevin what he had…
Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Kevin to wait in the examining room.
A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Kevin what he had. Kevin said, ‘Shingles..’ So the nurse gave Kevin a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Kevin to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.
An hour later the doctor came in and found Kevin sitting patiently in the nude and asked Kevin what he had.
Kevin said, ‘Shingles.’ The doctor asked, ‘Where?’
Kevin said, ‘Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload ’em??’
THE WHY’S OF MEN
1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX
(because they are plugged into a genius)
2. WHY DON’T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don’t have enough time)
3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don’t stop to ask directions)
(You’re laughing, aren’t you?!?!)
4. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won’t hump women’s legs at cocktails parties)
5. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)
6. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don’t know…..it never happened)
( C’mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
Remember, if you haven’t got a smile on your face and laughter in your heart…Then you are just an old sour fart!
One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweat-shirt seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me,
‘What setting do I use on the washing machine?’
‘It depends,’ I replied. ‘What does it say on your shirt?’
He yelled back, ‘ University of Oklahoma .’
And they say blondes are dumb…
A couple is lying in bed. The man says, ‘I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.’
The woman replies, ‘I’ll miss you…’
‘It’s just too hot to wear clothes today,’ Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, ‘honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?’
‘Probably that I married you for your money,’ she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I’ll beat him to death. AMEN
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder ‘Instruction Manual.’
WINNING SMART ASS ANSWERS FOR 2005
Smart Ass Answer #5:
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened
his trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat….she said, “Sir, I need to see your ticket not
Smart Ass Answer #4:
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but
she couldn’t find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy,
“Do these turkeys get any bigger?”
The stock boy replied, “No ma’am, they’re dead.”
Smart Ass Answer #3:
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding
rolled down his window. “I’ve been waiting for you all day,” the cop said.
The kid replied, “Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could.”
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.
Smart Ass Answer #2:
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that
reads, “Low Bridge Ahead.” Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead
of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to
the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck, huh?”
The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas.”
#1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2005…………………..
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam.
“Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here
tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury
or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other
A smart ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, “What
would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence was
restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shaking her head
and sweetly said “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your
ANT AND THE GRASSHOPPER CANADIAN STYLE
You’ve all heard the fable about the ant and grasshopper, right? Here’s a made-in-Canada version that might bring a chuckle or two.
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. – THE END
THE CANADIAN VERSION:
The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he’s a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed. So far, so good, eh?
The shivering grasshopper calls a press conference and demands to know why the ant should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like him, are cold and starving. The CBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper, with cuts to a video of the ant in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food.
Canadians are stunned that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so while others have plenty.
The NDP, the CAW and the Coalition Against Poverty demonstrate in front of the ant’s house. The CBC, interrupting an Inuit cultural festival special from Nunavut with breaking news, broadcasts them singing “We Shall Overcome.”
Svend Robinson rants in an interview with Pamela Wallin that the ant has gotten rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his “fair share”. In response to polls, the Liberal Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti-Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The ant’s taxes are reassessed, and he is also fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as helpers. Without enough money to pay both the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, his home is confiscated by the government. The ant moves to the US, and starts a successful agribiz company.
The CBC later shows the now fat grasshopper finishing up the last of the ant’s food, though Spring is still months away, while the government house he is in, which just happens to be the ant’s old house, crumbles around him because he hasn’t bothered to maintain it. Inadequate government funding is blamed and Roy Romanow is appointed to head a commission of inquiry that will cost $10,000,000. The grasshopper is soon dead of a drug overdose and the Winnipeg Free Press blames it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity. The abandoned house is taken over by a gang of immigrant spiders, praised by the government for enriching Canada’s multicultural diversity, which promptly set up a marijuana grow op and terrorize the community. – THE END
THE WELSH GIRLS
On Saturday night. Had a few…
I noticed two large women by the bar. They both had strong accents so I asked, “Hey, are you two ladies from Scotland?”
One of them chirped: “It’s WALES you friggin’ idiot!”
So, I immediately apologized and said…, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”
That’s the last thing I remember…
THE WHO REPORT
The World Health Organization (WHO) commissioned a $200K study on world population.
Results just released: “That 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world population
HEALTH AND SAFETY COURSE
I failed the mandatory Health and Safety course at the Senior Center today.
One of the questions was: “In the event of a fire, what steps would you take?”
“Freakin’ big ones” was apparently the wrong answer .
A LESSON IN IRONY
The Food Bank Program, administered by Social Welfare Canada, is actually proud of the fact it is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food vouchers ever!
Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the Canada Parks and Natural Resources, asks us to “Please Do Not Feed the Animals.”
Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.
This ends today’s lesson!
I thought this sounded good! Here is a turkey recipe that also includes
the use of popcorn as a stuffing ingredient — imagine that. When I found
this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who just are not
sure how to tell when turkey is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give
this a try.
8 – 15 lb. turkey
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing (Pepperidge Farm is Good.)
1 cup un-popped popcorn (ORVILLE REDENBACHER’S LOW FAT IS BEST)
Salt/pepper to taste
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush turkey well with melted butter, salt,
Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn. Place in baking pan making sure the
neck end is toward the front of the oven, not the back.
After about 4 hours listen for the popping sounds.
When the turkey’s ass blows the oven door open and the bird flies across
the room,…. it’s done.
Today’s Analogy: “Normal” is getting dressed in clothes you buy for work and driving through traffic in a car you are still paying for, in order to get to the job you need to pay for the clothes, the car, and the house you leave vacant all day to go to work so you can afford to live in it.
Kind of sad isn’t it?
THIS IS ALARMING! BEER FACTS.
Beer contains female hormones! Yes, that’s right, FEMALE hormones! Last month, Montreal University and scientists released the results of a recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer. Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption. The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women.
To test the theory, 100 men each drank 8 schooners of beer within a one (1) hour period.
It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects, yes, 100% of all these men:
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.
5) Became overly emotional
6) Couldn’t drive.
7) Failed to think rationally, and
8) Had to sit down while urinating.
No further testing was considered necessary!
Alert the men you know and warn them about drinking too much beer!
GRANDMAS DON’T KNOW EVERYTHING
Tony was 9 years old and was staying with his grandmother for a few days.
He’d been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked her,
‘Grandma, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?’
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to tell him the truth. ‘Well, dear, it’s called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Tony said, ‘OK,’ and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, ‘Grandma, it isn’t called sexual intercourse.
It’s called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.’
THE GREAT EINSTEIN AND SOME REAL INCIDENTS
============ ========= ========= =========
One day during a speaking tour, Albert Einstein’s driver, who often sat at the back of the hall during his lectures, remarked that he could probably give the lecture himself, having heard it so many times. Sure enough, at the next stop on the tour, Einstein and the driver switched places, with Einstein sitting at the back in his driver’s uniform.
Having delivered a flawless lecture, the driver was asked a difficult question by a member of the audience. “Well, the answer to that question is quite simple,” he casually replied. “I bet my driver, sitting up at the back there, could answer it!”
============ ========= ========= =========
Albert Einstein’s wife often suggested that he dress more professionally when he headed off to work. “Why should I?” he would invariably argue. “Everyone knows me there.” When the time came for Einstein to attend his first major conference, she begged him to dress up a bit. “Why should I?” said Einstein. “No one knows me there!”
============ ========= ========= =========
Albert Einstein was often asked to explain the general theory of relativity. “Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour,” he once declared. “Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. That’s relativity!”
============ ========= ========= =========
When Albert Einstein was working in Princeton university, one day he was going back home he forgot his home address. The driver of the cab did not recognise him. Einstein asked the driver if he knows Einstein’s home. The driver said “Who does not know Einstein’s address? Everyone in Princeton knows. Do you want to meet him? Einstein replied “I am Einstein. I forgot my home address, can you take me there? “The driver reached him to his home and did not even collect his fare from him.
============ ========= ========= =========
Einstein was once traveling from Princeton on a train when the conductor came down the aisle, punching the tickets of every passenger. When he came to Einstein, Einstein reached in his vest pocket. He couldn’t find his ticket, so he reached in his trouser pockets. It wasn’t there, so he looked in his briefcase but couldn’t find it. Then he looked in the seat beside him. He still couldn’t find it.
The conductor said, ‘Dr. Einstein, I know who you are. We all know who you are. I’m sure you bought a ticket. Don’t worry about it.’
Einstein nodded appreciatively. The conductor continued down the aisle punching tickets. As he was ready to move to the next car, he turned around and saw the great physicist down on his hands and knees looking under his seat for his ticket.
The conductor rushed back and said, ‘Dr. Einstein, Dr. Einstein, don’t worry, I know who you are. No problem. You don’t need a ticket. I’m sure you bought one.’
Einstein looked at him and said, ‘Young man, I too, know who I am. What I don’t know is where I’m going.’
EAST INDIAN PASSIONATE ROMANCE
An Italian, a Frenchman and an Indian were drinking at a bar, discussing what they had done the previous evening.
The Italian says: “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream nonstop for five minutes.”
The Frenchman says: “Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special aphrodisiac oil, then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight.”
The East Indian says: “That’s nothing. Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with Amul butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, then made love and I made her scream for two long hours.”
The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, “Two hours, phenomenal!”
What did you do to make her scream for two hours??
East Indian: I wiped my hands on the curtains.
Never quite saw it this way – but, it’s an interesting assessment.
The Wonder of it All:
1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.
3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.
6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.
THE AMAZING CONCLUSION: The higher you go in an organization, the smaller your balls become.
Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of people in government playing marbles.
1ST GRADE LOGIC
A 1st grade school teacher had twenty-six students in her class. She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders. Their insight may surprise you. While reading, keep in mind that these are first-graders, 6-year-olds, because the last one is a classic!
1. Don’t change horse ……… until they stop running.
2. Strike while the ……… bug is close.
3. It’s always darkest before ……… Daylight Saving Time.
4. Never underestimate the power of ……. termites.
5. You can lead a horse to water but ……… How?
6. Don’t bite the hand that ……… looks dirty.
7. No news is ……… impossible
8. A miss is as good as a ……… Mr.
9. You can’t teach an old dog new ……… Math
10. If you lie down with dogs, you’ll ……… stink in the morning.
11. Love all, trust ……… Me.
12. The pen is mightier than the ……… pigs.
13. An idle mind is ……… the best way to relax.
14. Where there’s smoke there’s ……… pollution.
15. Happy the bride who ……… gets all the presents.
16. A penny saved is …….. not much.
17. Two’s company, three’s ……… the Musketeers.
18. Don’t put off till tomorrow what ……… you put on to go to bed.
19. Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and ……… You have to blow your nose.
20. There are none so blind as ………. Stevie Wonder.
21. Children should be seen and not ………. spanked or grounded.
22. If at first you don’t succeed ……… get new batteries.
23. You get out of something only what you ……… See in the picture on the box
24. When the blind lead the blind ……… get out of the way.
25. A bird in the hand ……… is going to poop on you.
And the WINNER and last one!
26. Better late than ………. Pregnant
GRANDPARENTS’ ANSWERING MACHINE
Good morning . . . At present we are not at home, but please leave your message after you hear the beep.
If you are one of our children, dial 1 and then select the option from 1 to 5 in order of “birth arrival” so we know who it is.
If you need us to stay with the children, press 2
If you want to borrow the car, press 3
If you want us to wash your clothes and do ironing, press 4
If you want the grandchildren to sleep here tonight, press 5
If you want us to pick up the kids at school, press 6
If you want us to prepare a meal for Sunday or to have it delivered to your home,press 7
If you want to come to eat here, press 8
If you need money, press 9
If you are going to invite us to dinner, or take us to the theater, start talking … we are listening !”
WHAT IS COUPLE SEX?
An 8-year-old girl went to her grandfather, who was working in the yard and asked him, “Grampa, what is couple sex?”
The grandfather was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she’s old enough to know to ask the question, then she’s old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open, eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the grandfather asked her, “Why did you ask this question,honey?”
The little girl replied, “Grandma says that dinner will be ready in just a couple secs.
A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband’s temper and threatening manner.
The Doc asks: “What’s the problem, Janet?
The woman says: “Weeell Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon’.”
The Doctor says: “Aye, well… I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don’t swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep.”
Two weeks later she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.
She says: “Doctor that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an’ swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me Doc …wha’s the secret? How’s the water do that?”
The Doctor says: “Janet hen, it’s really nae big secret. The water does bugger all – it’s keeping your mouth shut that does the trick…”
ONTARIO VS ALBERTA
The Premier of Ontario is jogging with his dog along a nature trail.
A coyote jumps out and attacks the Premier’s dog, then bites the Premier.
The Premier starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie “Bambi” and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
He calls animal control .. Animal Control captures the coyote and bills the Province $200 testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it.
The Premier goes to hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and on getting his bite wound bandaged.
The running trail gets shut down for 6 months while Fish & Game conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals.
The Premier spends $50,000 in Provincial funds implementing a “coyote awareness program” for residents of the area.
The Provincial Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world.
The Premier’s security agent is fired for not stopping the attack.
The Province spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training re: the nature of coyotes.
PETA protests the coyote’s relocation and files a $5 million suit against the Province.
Premier Alison Redford is jogging with her dog along a nature trail. A Coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.
The Premier’s security agent shoots the coyote and keeps jogging. The Premier has spent $0.50 on a .45 ACP hollow point cartridge.
Crows eat the dead coyote.
And that is why ONTARIO is broke and ALBERTA is not.
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night.
They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader.”
The gas pump, of course, didn’t respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, ‘I’d calm down if I were you.’
The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Pissed at the pump’s haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, “Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!”
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, ‘You probably don’t want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.’
‘Rubbish,’ replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.
‘What a ferocious creature!’ exclaimed the young, fried alien. ‘He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?’
The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, ‘If there’s one thing I’ve learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder and then stick it in his ear.’
VERY SHORT STORY
Man driving down road.
Woman driving up same road.
They pass each other.
Woman yells out window, PIG!
Man yells out window, BITCH!
Man rounds next curve & crashes into a HUGE PIG in middle of road & dies.
Thought For the Day: If men would just listen.
TWO WOMEN & TWO DOGS
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua .. As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, “Let’s go over to that bar for a drink.”
The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The one with the Doberman said, “Just watch, and do as I do.”
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”
The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer said, “A Doberman?”
The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.”
The bouncer said, “OK, come on in.”
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought, “What the heck,” so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”
The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my seeing-eye dog.”
The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?”
The woman with the Chihuahua said …
“A Chihuahua? They gave me a f**king Chihuahua ?!”
ADOPT A TERRORIST
A lady Canadian libertarian wrote a lot of letters to the government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
She received back the following reply:
National Defence Headquarters
MGen George R. Pearkes Bldg, 15 NT
101Colonel By Drive
Ottawa , ON K1A 0K2
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa.
You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself; we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called ‘Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers’ program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided to divert one terrorist and place him in your personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Edmonton next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud (you can just call him Ahmed) is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
It will likely be necessary for you to hire some assistant caretakers. We will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with those you so strongly recommend in your letter.
Although Ahmed is a sociopath and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his ‘attitudinal problem’ will help him overcome these character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences.
We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers.
We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills at your next yoga group.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless (in your opinion) this might offend him.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters (except sexually) since he views females as a subhuman form of property.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him and he has been known to show violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the new dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire.
I’m sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time. Just remember that it is all part of ‘respecting his culture and religious beliefs’ as described in your letter.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember we’ll be watching.
Good luck and God bless you.
Minister of National Defense
WASHINGTON POST’S MENSA INVITATIONAL
The Washington Post’s Mensa Invitational” once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are the winners:
1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.
2. Ignoranus : A person who’s both stupid and an asshole.
3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.
5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high
8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
11. Karmageddon : It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
13. Glibido : All talk and no action.
14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you’re eating.
TWO WOMEN IN A BAR
Two women were sitting next to each other at a bar.
After a while, one looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland.’
The other woman responds proudly, ‘Yes, I sure am!’
The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about in Ireland are ya from?’
The other woman answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’
The first one responds, ‘So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’
The other woman says, ‘A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.’
The first one says, ‘Faith, and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?’
The other woman answers, ‘Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.’
The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?’
The other woman answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’
The first woman exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!’
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.
Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’
Michael asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’
Brian answers, ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’
Two bears were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake.
The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, ‘I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We’re the same age; we were the same size as kids. I just don’t get it.’
‘Well,’ said the big Bear, ‘what have you been eating?’
‘Politicians, same as you,’ replied the small Bear.
‘Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?’
‘Down near the parking lot.’
‘Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?’
‘Well, I hide under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the shit out of them and eat ’em!’
‘Ah!’ says the big Bear, ‘I think I see your problem. You’re not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the shit out of a Politician, there’s
nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.
EMPTY-HEADED BLONDE SHOOTS HERSELF
A blonde hurried into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. ‘How did this happen?’ the emergency room doctor asked her.
‘Well, I was trying to commit suicide,’ the blonde replied.
‘What?’ sputtered the doctor. ‘You tried to commit suicide by shooting off your finger?’
‘No, silly’ the blonde said. ‘First I put the gun to my chest, & then I thought, ‘I just paid $6, 000.00 for these implants…
I’m not shooting myself in the chest.’
‘So then?’ asked the doctor.
‘Then I put the gun in my mouth, & I thought, ‘I just paid $3,000.00 to get my teeth straightened. I’m not shooting myself in the mouth.’
‘Then I put the gun to my ear, & I thought: ‘This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in my other ear before I pulled the trigger.
THE VERY FIRST EVER BLONDE GUY JOKE
An Irishman, a Mexican and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building.
They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, ‘Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch, I’m going to jump off this building.’
The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, ‘Burritos again! If I get burritos one more time I’m going to jump off, too.’
The blonde opened his lunch and said,
‘ Bologna again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I’m jumping too.’
The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned beef and cabbage, and jumped to his death.
The Mexican opened his lunch, saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped to his death as well.
At the funeral, the Irishman’s wife was weeping. She said, ‘If I’d known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him again!’
The Mexican’s wife also wept and said, ‘I could have given him tacos or enchiladas! I didn’t realize he hated burritos so much.’
Everyone turned and stared at the blonde’s wife. The blonde’s wife said, ‘Don’t look at me. The idiot made his own lunches.’
Woke up this morning, got dressed and went in the kitchen where my wife was already fixing breakfast.
I looked to see what she was cooking, and I see one of my socks in the frying pan.
“What are you doing?” I asked her.
She said, “I’m doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very DRUNK,” she replied.
Completely puzzled, I walked away thinking to myself, “I don’t remember asking her to cook my sock.”
WHERE IS GOD?
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know if any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.
The boys’ mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys.
The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.
The mother sent the 8 year old in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.
The preacher, a huge man with a deep booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly,
“Do you know where God is, son?”
The boy’s mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.
So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone,
“Where is God?!
Again, the boy made no attempt to answer.
The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy’s face and bellowed, “WHERE IS GOD?!”
The boy screamed & bolted from the room, ran directly home & dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.
When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked,
The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied,
“We are in BIG trouble this time!”
“GOD is missing, and they think WE did it!”
An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other.
He says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”
The waiter says, “Sure. Coming right up.”
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee…… The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling
another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter: “Want coffee.”
The waiter says “Whoa! We’re still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?”
The Indian smiles and proudly says,
“Training for position in Canadian government. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave shit for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.”
THE SENSITIVE ONE
Three Newfies were working at the top of a phone tower, Jim, John and Joe.
As they start their descent, Jim slips, falls off the tower, and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, John says, “Well, someone’s gotta go and tell Jim’s wife”.
Joe says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer. John says, “Where’d you get the beer, Joe?”
“Jim’s wife gave it to me,” Joe replies.
“That’s unbelievable, you told the Missus her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?” asked Jim.
“Well, not exactly”, Joe says. “When she answered the door, I said to her, “You must be Jim’s widow.”
She said, “You must be mistaken, I’m not a widow”.
Then I said, “I’ll betcha a case of beer you are.”
Definition of KISS from an Educational Point of View
KISS is the shortest distance between 2 Lips.
KISS is that thing 4 which the DEMAND is always higher than the SUPPLY.
KISS is the powerful process of charging 2 human bodies in a short time.
KISS is just like a LAN, in which 2 bodies are connected without any DATA CABLE.
Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to produce an agreement. The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut by 25% this February, from 72 to only 60. The rationale for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bomber’s union, the British Organization of Occupational Martyrs (BOOM) responded with a statement that this was unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don’t ask for much in return, and to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth.”
Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands, in which he currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained, “We sympathize with our workers concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace.
Thanks to Western depravity there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages but I’d hate to have to tell 3,000 of my staff that they won’t be able to blow
Spokespersons for the Union in the north east of England, Ireland, Wales , and the entire Australian continent stated that the strike would not affect their operations, as “there are no virgins in their areas anyway.”
Apparently the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been put down to the emergence of Scottish singing star Susan Boyle – now that Muslims know what an actual virgin looks like they are not so keen on going to paradise.
TWO BLONDES WITH HAMMERS
Lisa & Judy were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat for Humanity House.
Lisa was nailing down house siding, would reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail & either toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.
Judy, figuring this was worth looking into, asked, ‘ Why are you throwing those nails away?’
Lisa explained, ‘When I pull a nail out of my pouch, about half of them have the head on the wrong end & I throw them away.’
Judy got completely upset & yelled, ‘You moron! Those nails aren’t defective! They’re for the other side of the house!’
Stories about children and their views of the world are always touching.
A father watched his young daughter playing in the garden.
He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and pure his little girl was.
Tears formed in his eyes as he thought about her seeing the wonders of nature through such innocent eyes.
Suddenly she just stopped and stared at the ground.
He went over to her to see what work of God had captured her attention.
He noticed she was looking at two spiders mating.
‘Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?’ she asked.
‘They’re mating,’ her father replied.
‘What do you call the spider on top?’ she asked.
A Daddy Longlegs,’ her father answered.
‘So, the other one is a Mommy Longlegs?’ the little girl asked.
As his heart soared with the joy of such a cute and innocent question he replied, ‘No dear. Both of them are Daddy Longlegs.’
The little girl, looking a little puzzled, thought for a moment, then lifted her foot and stomped them flat.
”Well”, she said, “that may be OK in California , but we’re not having any of that shit in North Carolina .”
WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST?
The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question, ‘When you die and go to Heaven, which part of your body goes first?’
Suzy raised her hand and said, ‘I think it’s your hands.’
‘Why do you think it’s your hands, Suzy?’
Suzy replied: ‘Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.’
‘What a wonderful answer!’, the nun said.
Little Johnny raised his hand and said, ‘Sister, I think it’s your feet.’
The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. ‘Now, Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?’
Johnny said: ‘Well, I walked past Mom and Dad’s bedroom the other night. Mom had her legs up in the air and she was saying:
‘Oh God! I’m coming!’
If Dad hadn’t pinned her down, I reckon we’d have lost her.”
The nun had to leave the room.
MURPHY’S OTHER 15 LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those that wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14. The shin bone is a device for finding furniture in the dark.
15. When you go into court, you are putting yourself in the hands of twelve people, who weren’t smart enough to get out of jury duty.
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit’s, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: “American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British”.
One week later, Canadian Dept. of Mines and Resources in Northern Canada reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 feet in Northern Canada in the Ontario region of Thunder Bay Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless.”
Just makes you bloody proud to be Canadian, don’t it?
WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT BLONDE JOKES
A blonde & her husband are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor’s dog.
It has been in the backyard barking for hours & hours.
The blonde jumps up out of bed and says, “I’ve had enough of this”.
She goes downstairs.
The blonde finally comes back up to bed and her husband says, “The dog is still barking, what have you been doing?”
The blonde says, “I put the dog in our backyard … let’s see how THEY like all the barking!
This is pretty damned amazing. Mine turned out to be “Raiders of the Lost Ark”. I was surprised how this worked. Be honest and don’t look at the movie list till you have done the math!
Try this test and find out what movie is your favorite. This amazing math quiz can likely predict which of 18 films you would enjoy the most. Don’t ask me how, but it really works!
Pick a number from 1-9.
Multiply by 3.
Multiply by 3 again.
Add the two digits together and find your predicted favorite movie in the list below.
1. Gone With The Wind
3. Beverly Hills Cop
4. Star Wars
5. Forrest Gump
6. The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly
9. The Joy of Anal Sex With A Goat
11. Jurassic Park
13. Pirates of the Caribbean
15. Raiders Of The Lost Ark
16. Home Alone
17. Mrs. Doubtfire
Now, ain’t that something…..?
COMPUTER – MALE OR FEMALE?
A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
‘House’, for instance, is feminine: ‘la casa..’
‘Pencil’, however, is masculine: ‘el lapiz.’
A student asked, ‘What gender is ‘computer’?’
Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether ‘computer’ should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.
The men’s group decided that ‘computer’ should definitely be of the feminine gender (‘la computadora’), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(THIS GETS BETTER!)
The women’s group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine (‘el computador’), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can’t think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
The women won.
25 SIGNS SHOWING YOU MIGHT BE CANADIAN
1. You’re not offended by the term “HOMO MILK”.
2. You understand the phrase “Could you pass me a serviette; I just dropped my poutine, on the chesterfield.”
3. You eat chocolate bars, not candy bars.
4. You drink Pop, not Soda.
5. You know what a Mickey and 2-4 mean
6. You don’t care about the fuss with Cuba. It’s a cheap place to go for your holidays, with good cigars and no Americans.
7. You know that a pike is a type of fish, not part of a highway.
8. You drive on a highway, not a freeway.
9. You have Canadian Tire money in your kitchen drawers.
10. You know that Casey and Finnegan were not part of a Celtic musical group.
11. You get excited whenever an American television show mentions Canada.
12. You brag to Americans that: Shania Twain, Jim Carrey, Celine Dion & many more, are Canadians.
13. You know that the C.E.O. of American Airlines is a Canadian!
14. You know what a toque is.
15. You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
16. You know that the last letter of the English alphabet is always pronounced “Zed” not “Zee”
17. Your local newspaper covers the national news on 2 pages, but requires 6 pages for hockey.
18. You know that the four seasons mean: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road construction.
19. You know that when it’s 25 degrees outside, it’s a warm day.
20. You understand the Labatt Blue commercials.
21. You know how to pronounce and spell “Saskatchewan”. (Sas-Kat-chew-wan)
22. You perk up when you hear the theme song from ‘Hockey Night in Canada’.
23. You were in grade 12, not the 12th grade.
24. “Eh?” is a very important part of your vocabulary, and is more polite than, “Huh?”
25. You actually understand these jokes
COMPLETE VS FINISHED
No English dictionary has been able to explain the difference between the two words COMPLETE and FINISHED.
Some people say there is no difference. I beg to differ because; there is.
When you marry the right person; you are “COMPLETE”. And when you marry the wrong one, you are “FINISHED”!
And when the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are “COMPLETELY FINISHED” !!!
She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the T-shirt that she normally slept in.
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
WHAT’S IN THE BOX?
A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up four cans and took them to the check-out counter.
The girl at the cash register said, “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat.”
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store. They sold her the cat food.
The next day, she tried to buy two cans of dog food. Again the cashier said “I’m sorry, but we cannot sell you dog food without proof that you have a dog. A lot of old people buy dog food to eat, but the management wants proof that you are buying the dog food for your dog.”
So she went home and brought in her dog. She then was able to buy the dog food.
The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, “No, you might have a snake in there.”
The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would harm her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and quickly pulled it out. She said to the little old lady, “That smells like shit.” The little old lady said, “It is. I want to buy toilet paper.”
Don’t mess with old people.
CLETUS & BILLY-BOB
Cletus is passing by Billy Bob’s hay barn one day when, through a gap in the door, he sees Billy Bob doing a slow and sensual striptease in front of an old green John Deere.
Buttocks clenched, he performs a slow pirouette, and gently slides off first the right strap of his overalls, followed by the left.. He then hunches his shoulders forward and in a classic striptease move, lets his overalls fall down to his hips, revealing a torn and frayed plaid shirt. Then, grabbing both sides of his shirt, he rips it apart to reveal his stained T-shirt underneath. With a final flourish, he tears the T-shirt from his body, and hurls his baseball cap onto a pile of hay.
Having seen enough, Cletus rushes in and says, “What the world’re ya doing, Billy Bob?”
“Good grief, Cletus, ya scared the bejeebers out of me,” says an obviously embarrassed Billy Bob.
“But me ‘n the wife been havin trouble lately in the bedroom d’partment, and the therapist suggested I do something sexy to a tractor.”
(Don’t make me come splain this to you! Read the last line again, slowly.)
Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked: “Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?”
Maria: “Well, Senora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze. The first is that I iron better than you.”
Wife: “Who said you iron better than me?”
Maria: “Jor huzban he say so.”
Wife: “Oh yeah?”
Maria: “The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you.”
Wife: “Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?”
Maria: “Jor hozban did”
Wife increasingly agitated:”Oh he did— did he???”
Maria: “The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed.”
Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth. “And did my husband say that as well?”
Maria: “No Senora……The gardener did.”
Wife: “So how much do you want?”
WHY CAN’T I OWN A CANADIAN?
In her radio show, Dr Laura Schlesinger said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned under any circumstance.
The following response is an open letter to Dr. Laura, written by a US man, and posted on the Internet. It’s funny, as well as informative:
Dear Dr. Laura:
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God’s Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination … End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God’s Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can’t I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of Menstrual uncleanliness – Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord – Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination, Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don’t agree. Can you settle this? Are there ‘degrees’ of abomination?
7. Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn’t we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I’m confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God’s word is eternal and unchanging.
Your adoring fan.
James M. Kauffman, Ed.D. Professor Emeritus, Dept. Of Curriculum, Instruction, and Special Education University of Virginia
PS (It would be a damn shame if we couldn’t own a Canadian)
WHY SHARKS CIRCLE YOU BEFORE ATTACKING
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
“Follow me son” the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
“First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing.” And they did.
“Now we eat everybody.” And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, “Dad, why didn’t we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?”
His wise father replied, “Because they taste better without the shit inside!”
CLASSES FOR WOMEN
THE ADULT LEARNING CENTER
NOTE: DUE TO THE COMPLEXITY AND DIFFICULTY LEVEL
OF THEIR CONTENTS, CLASS SIZES WILL BE LIMITED TO 8 PARTICIPANTS MAXIMUM .
Up in Winter, Down in Summer – How to Adjust a Thermostat
Step by Step, with Slide Presentation.
Meets 4 weeks, Monday and Wednesday for 2 hrs beginning at 7:00 PM..
Which Takes More Energy – Putting the Toilet Seat Down, Or Bitching About It for 3 Hours?
Round Table Discussion.
Meets 2 weeks, Saturday 12:00 for 2 hours.
Is It Possible To Drive Past a Wal-Mart Without Stopping?–Group Debate.
Meets 4 weeks, Saturday 10:00 PM for 2 hours.
Fundamental Differences Between a Purse and a Suitcase–
Pictures and Explanatory Graphics.
Meets Saturdays at 2:00 PM for 3 weeks.
Curling Irons–Can They Levitate and Fly Into The Bathroom Cabinet?
Examples on Video.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning
At 7:00 PM
How to Ask Questions During Commercials and Be Quiet During the Program
Help Line Support and Support Groups.
Meets 4 Weeks, Friday and Sunday 7:00 PM
Can a Bath Be Taken Without 14 Different Kinds of Soaps and Shampoos?
Monday at 8:00 PM, 2 hours.
Health Watch–They Make Medicine for PMS – USE IT!
Three nights; Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 7:00 PM for 2 hours.
I Was Wrong and He Was Right!–Real Life Testimonials.
Tuesdays at 6:00 PM Location to be determined.
How to Parallel Park In Less Than 20 Minutes Without an Insurance Claim.
4 weeks, Saturday’s noon, 2 hours.
Learning to Live–How to Apply Brakes Without Throwing Passengers Through the Windshield.
Tuesdays at 7:00 PM, location to be determined
How to Shop by Yourself.
Meets 4 weeks, Tuesday and Thursday for 2 hours beginning at 7:00 PM.
MEN IN HEAVEN
Everybody on earth was dead and waiting to enter Heaven when God appeared and said, “I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who were true heads of their household, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. I want all the women to report to St. Peter.”
Soon, the women were processed and there were two lines of men left.
The line of the men who were dominated by their wives was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who truly were heads of their household, there was only one man.
God said to the long line, “You men should be ashamed of yourselves; I created you to be the head of your household! You have been disobedient and have not fulfilled your purpose! Of all of you, only one obeyed. Learn from him.”
God turned to the one man, “How did you manage to be the only one in this line?”
The man replied, “My wife told me to stand here.”
WHY SOME MEN HAVE A DOG AND NO WIFE
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don’t notice if you call them by another dog’s name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog’s parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you’re drunk..
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, “If I died, would you get another dog?”
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don’t get mad. They just think it’s interesting.
And last, but not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won’t take half of your stuff.
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking.
Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.
Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman, who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, ‘Do you know who I am?’
The man replied, ‘Yep, sure do.’
‘Aren’t you afraid of me?’ Satan asked.
‘Nope, sure ain’t,’ said the man.
‘Don’t you realize that I can kill you with one word?’ asked Satan.
‘Don’t doubt it for a minute,’ returned the old man in an even tone.
‘Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?’ persisted Satan.
‘Yep,’ was the calm reply.
‘And you are still not afraid?’ asked Satan.
‘Nope,’ said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ‘Why aren’t you afraid of me?’
The man calmly replied, ‘Been married to your sister for 58 years
CHOOSING A WIFE
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he’d given her.
Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight. While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head. The wife shouts, ‘Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money‚
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!’
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, ‘What would you do?
The cabby replies, ‘I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches cold.’
MEETING FOR LUNCH
A group of 15-year old boys discussed where they should meet for lunch. It was agreed they should meet at the Dairy Queen next to the Ocean View restaurant because they only had $6.00 between them and Jennie Johnson, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives on that street and they might see her and they can ride their bikes there.
Ten years later, the group of 25-year-old guys discussed where they should meet for lunch. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the beer was cheap, they had free snacks, the band was good, there was no cover and there were lots of cute girls.
Ten years later, at 35 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the booze was good, it was right near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn’t be too many whiny little kids.
Ten years later, at 45 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the martinis were big, and the waitresses had nice boobs and wore tight pants.
Ten years later, at 55 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the prices were reasonable, the wine list was good and fish is good for your cholesterol.
Ten years later, at 65 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the lighting was good and they have an early bird special.
Ten years later, at 75 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because the food was not too spicy, not too noisy and the restaurant was handicapped accessible.
Ten years later, at 85 years of age, the group once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. It was agreed they should meet at the Ocean View restaurant because they had never been there before.
CELL PHONES IN PUBLIC
After a very busy day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes as the train departed Montreal for Hudson.
As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: “Hi sweetheart it’s Eric, I’m on the train – yes, I know it’s the six thirty and not the four thirty but I had a long meeting – no, honey, not with that floozie from the accounts office, with the boss. No sweetheart, you’re the only one in my life – yes, I’m sure, cross my heart” etc., etc.
Fifteen minutes later at St. Anne de Bellevue he was still talking loudly , when the young woman sitting next to him, who was obviously angered by his continuous diatribe, yelled at the top of her voice:”Hey, Eric, turn that stupid phone off and come back to bed!”
My guess would be that Eric doesn’t use his cell phone in public any longer.
BEER…..SEVEN YEAR OLD VIEWS ON ITS VIRTUES AND VICES
A handful of 7 year old children were asked what they thought of beer.
‘I think beer must be good. My dad says the more beer he drinks the prettier my mum gets.’
–Tim, 7 years old
‘Beer makes my dad sleepy and we get to watch what we want on television when he is asleep, so beer is nice.’
–Melanie, 7 years old
‘My Mum and Dad both like beer. My Mum gets funny when she drinks it and takes her top off at parties, but Dad doesn’t think this is very funny.’
–Grady, 7 years old
”My Mum and Dad talk funny when they drink beer and the more they drink the more they give kisses to each other, which is a good thing.’
–Toby, 7 years old
‘My Dad gets funny on beer. He is funny. He also wets his pants sometimes, so he shouldn’t have too much.
–Sarah, 7 years old
‘My Dad loves beer. The more he drinks, the better he dances. One time he danced right into the pool.’
–Lily, 7 years old
‘I don’t like beer very much. Every time Dad drinks it, he burns the sausages on the barbecue and they taste disgusting.’
–Ethan, 7 years old
‘I give Dad’s beer to the dog and he goes to sleep.’
–Shirley, 7 years old
AND THE BEST RESPONSE
‘My Mum drinks beer and she says silly things and picks on my father. Whenever she drinks beer she yells at Dad and tells him to go bury his bone down the street again, but that doesn’t make any sense.’
–Jack, 7 years
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation in Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, “You can have her buried here in the Holy Land for $150 or we can have her shipped back home for $5,000.
The husband thought about it and told the undertaker he would have her shipped back home.
The undertaker asked him, “why would you spend $5,000 to have her shipped home when you could have a beautiful burial here, and it would only cost $150????”
The husband replied, “Long ago, a man died here, was buried here, and three days later, arose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance!”
APHORISM – A SHORT, POINTED SENTENCE THAT EXPRESSES A WISE OR CLEVER OBSERVATION OR A GENERAL TRUTH.
1. The nicest thing about the future is . . . that it always starts tomorrow.
2. Money will buy a fine dog, but only kindness will make him wag his tail.
3. If you don’t have a sense of humor, you probably don’t have any sense at all.
4. Seat belts are not as confining as wheelchairs.
5. A good time to keep your mouth shut is when you’re in deep water.
6. How come it takes so little time for a child who is afraid of the dark to become a teenager who wants to stay out all night?
7. Business conventions are important. . .because they demonstrate how
many people a company can operate without.
8. Why is it that at class reunions you feel younger than everyone else looks?
9. Scratch a cat . . . and you will have a permanent job.
10. No one has more driving ambition than the teenage boy who wants to buy a car.
11. There are no new sins; the old ones just get more publicity.
12. There are worse things than getting a call for a wrong number at 4a.m. – like, it could be the right number.
13. No one ever says “It’s only a game” when their team is winning.
14. I’ve reached the age where ‘happy hour’ is a nap.
15. Be careful about reading the fine print. . . . there’s no way you’re going to like it.
16. The trouble with bucket seats is that not everybody has the same size bucket.
17. Do you realize that, in about 40 years, we’ll have thousands of old ladies running around with tattoos? (And rap music will be the Golden Oldies!)
18. Money can’t buy happiness — but somehow it’s more comfortable to cry in a Cadillac than in a Volkswagen.
19. After 60, if you don’t wake up aching in every joint, you’re probably dead.
20. Always be yourself because the people that matter don’t mind . and the ones that mind don’t matter.
21. Life isn’t tied with a bow . . . . . . . . but it’s still a gift.
With considering all the brilliant, devious minds some kids exhibit in high school, I don’t know how I missed doing this…
At a high school in Montana , a group of students played a prank.
They let three goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4.
School administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.
After being married 25 years, one day I took a look at my wife and said,
“Honey, do you realize 25 years ago, I had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blond.
“Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 50 year old woman.
It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things!”
Now my wife is a very reasonable woman.
She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blond, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed….
I shut up and took out the trash…
Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve your mid-life crisis!
LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN
The teacher asked the class to use the word ‘fascinate’ in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, ‘My family went to my granddad’s farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.’
The teacher said, ‘That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating’.
Sally raised her hand. She said, ‘My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.’
The teacher said, ‘Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate.’
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word ‘fascinate’, so she called on him for his offering.
Johnny said, ‘My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasin eight.’
The teacher sat down and cried.
A young blond girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a “handy woman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch” he said. “How much will you charge me?”
Delighted, the girl quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?”
“That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?” he responded.
The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes.”
A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already??” the startled husband asked.
“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I even had paint left over so I gave it a second coat.”
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.
“Thank you,” the blonde said, “And, by the way, it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus.”
A TALE ABOUT HAIRCUTS AND POLITICIANS
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut …
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The florist was pleased and left the shop.
When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you; I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop was happy and left the shop.
The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The MP was very happy and left the shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.
And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.
BOTH POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!
A COUPLE STAYING IN A HOTEL
A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they’re too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest.
They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.
When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill For $350.00. The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it’s a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren’t worth $350.00. When the clerk tells him $350.00 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.
The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the Hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.
“But we didn’t use them,” the man complains. “Well, they are here, and you could have,” explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the floor shows for which the hotel is famous. “The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here,” the Manager says.
“But we didn’t go to any of those shows,” complains the man again. “Well, we have them, and you could have,” the Manager replies. No matter what amenity the Manager mentions, the man replies, “But we didn’t use it!”
The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay.
He writes a check and gives it to the Manager.
The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. “But sir,” he says, this check is only made out for $50.00.”
“That’s correct,” says the man. “I charged you $300.00 for sleeping with my wife.”
“But I didn’t!” exclaims the Manager.
“Well, too bad,” the man replies. “She was here and you could have.”
Why do supermarkets make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?
Why do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke?
Why do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters?
Why do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in our driveways and put our useless junk in the garage?
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?
Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavoring, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff??
Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
7 DEGREES OF BLONDE
A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said ‘How should I know, that’s 200 miles from here!’ and hung up.
The husband said, ‘Who was that?’
The wife answered, ‘I don’t know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.’
Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, ‘Hmm, this person looks familiar.’
The second blonde says, ‘Here, let me see!’
So, the first blonde hands her the compact.
The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, ‘You dummy, it’s me!’
A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun, and as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head.
The boyfriend yells, ‘No, honey, don’t do it!!!’
The blonde replies, ‘Shut up, you’re next!’
A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, ‘Go ahead, ask me, … I know ’em all.’
A friend says, ‘OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin ?’
The blonde replies,’Oh, that’s easy .. it’s W.’
Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant?
A: ‘Is it mine?’
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US Government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, ‘That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware .’
Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, ‘I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!’
A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not Far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.
‘I’d like to be six again’, she replied, still looking in the mirror .
On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.
Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down.
He then took her to a McDonald’s where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favorite candy, M&M’s. What a fabulous adventure!
Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.
He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, ‘Well Dear, what was it like being six again?’
Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed. ‘I meant my dress size, you retard!!!!’
The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.
The 1st Affair
A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘Where have you been?’ his wife demanded.
‘I can’t lie to you,’ he replied,
‘I’m having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon.’
She looked down at his shoes and said:
‘You lying bastard! You’ve been playing golf!’
The 2nd Affair
A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but always talked about having a son.
They decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.
The wife got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy.
The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son.
He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever seen.
He told his wife: ‘There’s no way I can be the father of this baby.
Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around behind my back?’
The wife smiled sweetly and replied: ‘No, not this time!’
The 3rd Affair
A mortician was working late one night.
He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.
Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen!
‘I’m sorry Mr. Schwartz,’ the mortician commented, ‘I can’t allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity.’
So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home.
‘I have something to show you won’t believe,’ he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.
‘My God!’ the wife exclaimed, ‘Schwartz is dead!’
The 4th Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
‘Hurry,’ she said, ‘stand in the corner.’
She rubbed baby oil all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder.
‘Don’t move until I tell you,’ she said. ‘Pretend you’re a statue.’
‘What’s this?’ the husband inquired as he entered the room.
‘Oh it’s a statue,’ she replied. ‘The Smiths bought one and I liked it so I got one for us, too.’
No more was said, not even when they went to bed.
Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a beer.
‘Here,’ he said to the statue, ‘have this. I stood like that for two days at the Smiths and nobody offered me a damned thing.’
The 5th Affair
A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
‘Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.’
‘One Cent?’ the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: ‘How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?’
‘A nickel,’ the barman replied.
‘A nickel?’ exclaimed the man. ‘Where’s the guy who owns this place?’
The bartender replied: ‘Upstairs, with my wife.’
The man asked: ‘What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?’
The bartender replied: ‘The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.’
The 6th & Best Affair
Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside.
He looked up and said weakly: ‘I have something I must confess.’
‘There’s no need to, ‘his wife replied.
‘No,’ he insisted, ‘I want to die in peace.
I slept with your sister, your best friend, her best friend, and your mother!’
‘I know,’ she replied.
‘Now just rest and let the poison work.’
WHY GOD CREATED CHILDREN (AND IN THE PROCESS GRANDCHILDREN)
To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students… here is something to make you chuckle.
Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God’s omnipotence did not extend to His own children.
After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.
And the first thing he said was “DON’T! ”
“Don’t what? “Adam replied.
“Don’t eat the forbidden fruit. “God said.
“Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit?
“Hey Eve..we have forbidden fruit! ”
“No Way! ”
“Yes way ! ”
“Do NOT eat the fruit! ” said God.
“Why ? ”
“Because I am your Father and I said so! ” God replied, wondering why He hadn’t stopped creation after making the elephants.
A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!
“Didn’t I tell you not to eat the fruit? ” God asked.
“Uh huh,” Adam replied.
“Then why did you? ” said the Father.
“I don’t know,” said Eve.
“She started it! ” Adam said.
“Did not! ”
“Did too! ”
“DID NOT! ”
Having had it with the two of them, God’s punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.
Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.
BUT THERE IS REASSURANCE IN THE STORY!
If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven’t taken it, don’t be hard on yourself.
If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT!
1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.
2 Grandchildren are God’s reward for not killing your own children.
3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.
4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn’t have said.
5. The main purpose of holding children’s parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.
6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.
ADVICE FOR THE DAY:
Be nice to your kids.
They will choose your nursing home one day.
AND FINALLY: IF YOU HAVE A LOT OF TENSION AND YOU GET A HEADACHE, DO WHAT IT SAYS ON THE ASPIRIN BOTTLE:
“TAKE TWO ASPIRIN” AND “KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN”!!!!!
WHY CONDOMS COME IN BOXES OF 3, 6, AND 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son.
They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
“What are these, Dad?
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms son. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boy pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.”
He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package?”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys, one for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men,” the dad answers, TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh and a tear in his eye, the dad replied, “Those are for married men. One for January, one for February, one for March…….”
Do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are going dead?
Why do banks charge a fee on “insufficient funds” when they know there is not enough money?
Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
Why doesn’t glue stick to the bottle?
Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?
Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?
Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Whose idea was it to put an “S” in the word “lisp”?
If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?
Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?
Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?
Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?
Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” Well, it isn’t all right, so why don’t we say, “That hurt, you stupid idiot?”
Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?
In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?
And my FAVORITE……
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends — if they’re okay, GUESS WHO’S IT?
WHICH HUMAN BODY PART INCREASES IN SIZE?
“Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?” the 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class,
No one answered until little Molly stood up and said, “You should not be asking 6th graders a question like that! I’m going to tell my parents and they will go tell the principal, and you’ll get fired!” She then sat back down.
Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again, “Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?”….Little Molly’s mouth fell open and she said to those around her, “Boy, is she gonna get in big trouble!”
The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, “Anybody?”
Finally, Jimmy nervously stood up and said, “The body part that increases to10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye.”
Mrs. Parks said, “Very good, Jimmy.”
She then turned to Molly and continued, “As for you, young lady, I have two things to say: First, you didn’t read your homework.
And second, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed.”
WHAT’S A LEXOPHILE?
They love the play of words so here’s some groaners for you…
1. A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
2. A will is a dead giveaway.
3. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
4. A backward poet writes inverse.
5. In a democracy, it’s your vote that counts; in feudalism, it’s your Count that votes.
6. A chicken crossing the road: poultry in motion.
7. If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.
8. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
9. Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I’ll show you A-flat miner.
10. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
11. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.
12. A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
13. You are stuck with your debt if you can’t budge it.
14. Local Area Network in Australia: The LAN down under.
15. He broke into song because he couldn’t find the key.
16. A calendar’s days are numbered.
17. A lot of money is tainted: ‘Taint yours, and ‘taint mine.
18. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
19. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
20. A plateau is a high form of flattery.
21. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison: a small medium at large.
22. Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.
23. When you’ve seen one shopping center, you’ve seen a mall.
24. If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.
25. When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
26. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
27. Santa’s helpers are subordinate clauses.
28. Acupuncture: a jab well done.
29. Marathon runners with bad shoes suffer the agony of de feet.
And might I add…
It is better to have loved a short woman than never to have loved a tall.
WHAT IS A CAT AND DOG?
What is a Cat?
1. Cats do what they want.
2. They rarely listen to you.
3. They’re totally unpredictable.
4. When you want to play, they want to be alone.
5. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
6. They expect you to cater to their every whim.
7. They’re moody.
8. They leave hair everywhere.
CONCLUSION: They are tiny women in little fur coats.
What is a Dog?
1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece
of furniture in the house.
2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but don’t hear you when you’re in the same room.
3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.
4. They growl when they are not happy.
5. When you want to play, they want to play.
6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.
7. They leave their toys everywhere.
8. They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to
give you a kiss on yours.
9. They go right for your crotch as soon as they meet you.
CONCLUSION: They’re tiny men in little fur coats.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT?
If you have 50 government workers and 50 lesbians in a room what have you
100 people that don’t do dick ….
A WEE BIT OF HUMOR
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said, “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
WASHINGTON POST VALENTINE COMPETITION
These are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line… but the least romantic second line.
1. Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss
But I only slept with you, because I was pissed.
2. Thought that I could love no other
Until, that is, I met your brother.
3. Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl’s empty and so is your head.
4. Of loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
5. Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
6. I want to feel your sweet embrace ;
But don’t take that paper bag off of your face
7. I love your smile, your face, and your eyes –
Damn, I’m good at telling lies!
8. My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife:
Marrying you screwed up my life
9. I see your face when I am dreaming.
That’s why I always wake up screaming
10. My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
11. My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe “go to hell”
12. What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.
A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly “Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?”
The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, “Hell no they ain’t. The oldest one’s 9 and the other one’s 7. Why the hell would you think they’re twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?”
“I’m neither blind nor stupid, Ma’am,” replied the greeter. “I just couldn’t believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart”. *
WALL STREET ECONOMICS
Young Chuck moved to Texas and bought a donkey from a farmer for $100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, ‘Sorry Chuck, but I have some bad news, the donkey died.’
Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.’
The farmer said, ‘Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.’
Chuck said, ‘OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.’
The farmer asked, ‘What ya gonna do with a dead donkey?
Chuck said, ‘I’m going to raffle him off.’
The farmer said ‘You can’t raffle off a dead donkey!’
Chuck said, ‘Sure I can. Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.’
A month later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead donkey?’
Chuck said, ‘I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898.00.’
The farmer said, ‘Didn’t anyone complain?’
Chuck said, ‘Just the guy who won. So I gave him his two dollars back.’
VIVE LE QUEBEC
Ministère des Transports du Québec Official Guide – New Drivers in Québec
1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A confident Québec driver avoids using them.
2. Under no circumstance should you maintain a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, because somebody else will fill in the space, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.
3. The faster you drive through a red light, the less of a chance you have of getting hit.
4. Warning! Never come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in your being rear-ended.
5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork, especially with New Brunswick or Ontario plates. With no insurance, the other operator has nothing to lose.
6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a vigorous, foot massage as the brake pedal violently pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it’s a chance to strengthen your leg muscles.
7. Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right. It’s a good way to prepare other drivers entering the highway.
8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are not enforceable in Québec during rush hour, especially in Montréal.
9. Just because you’re in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn’t mean that a Québec driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn’t think he can go faster in your spot.
10. Always brake and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire. This is seen as a sign of respect for the victim.
11. Learn to swerve abruptly without signaling. Québec is the home of high-speed slalom-driving; thanks to the Ministère des Transports du Québec, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers’ reflexes and keep
12. It is tradition in Québec to honk your horn at cars in front of you that do not move three milliseconds after the light turns green.
13. To avoid injury in the event of a collision or rollover, it is important to exit your vehicle thru the windshield right away. Wearing your seat belt will only impede your hi-velocity escape from danger.
14. Remember that the goal of every Québec driver is to get ahead of the pack by whatever means necessary.
15. In Québec, ‘flipping the bird’ is considered a polite salute.
Two priests died at the same time and met Saint Peter at the Pearly gate. St. Peter said, ‘I’d like to get you guys in now, but our computer is down. You’ll have to go back to Earth for about a week, but you can’t go back as priests. What’ll it be?’
The first priest says, ‘I’ve always wanted to be an eagle, soaring above the Rocky Mountains.’
‘So be it,’ says St. Peter, and off flies the first priest.
The second priest mulls this over for a moment and asks, ‘Will any of this week ‘count,’ St. Peter?’
‘No, I told you the computer’s down. There’s no way we can keep track of what you’re doing.’
‘In that case,’ says the second priest, ‘I’ve always wanted to be a stud.’
So be it’ says St. Peter, and the second priest disappears.
A week goes by, the computer is fixed, and the Lord tells St. Peter to recall the two priests.
‘Will you have any trouble locating them?’ He asks.
The first one should be easy,’ said St. Peter. ‘He’s somewhere over the Rockies, flying with the eagles.
But the second one could prove to be more difficult.’
Why?’ asked the Lord.
‘He’s on a snow tire, somewhere in Newfoundland.
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
‘Quick, quick!’ shouts Sister Catherine. ‘What shall we do?’
‘Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,’ says Sister Helen.
Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
‘What shall I do now?’ she shouts.
‘Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,’ says Sister Helen.; Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
‘Now what?’ shouts Sister Catherine.
‘Show him your cross,’ says Sister Helen.
‘Now you’re talking,’ says Sister Catherine.
She opens the window and shouts, ‘Get the f**k off the car!’
Two Newfies, Ned ‘n Jarge, decided they aren’t going anywhere in life and think they should go to college to get ahead.
Ned goes in first, and the professor advises him to take math, history, and logic.
“What’s logic?” asked Ned.
The professor answers, “Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed-eater?”
“I sure do,” answers the Newfie.
“Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard,” replies the professor.
“That’s real good.” The Newf responds in awe.
The professor continues: “Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house.”
Impressed, the Newf shouts,”Darned tootin!!”
“And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself logic dictates that you have a wife.”
“HOLY SHIT!! This is incredible!” Ned exclaims.
Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual rather than homosexual,” says the professor.
“Lord thunderin Jesus. You’re right on bye! Why dat’s the most fascinatin’ ting I ever heard of. I caint wait to take dis ‘ere logic class.”
Ned, right proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where Jarge is still waiting. “So what classes are ya takin?” asks Jarge.
“Math, history, and logic.” replies Ned.
“What da ‘ell is logic?” asks Jarge?
“Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?”
“Yer queer ain’t ya?”
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a large tumbler of scotch in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his drink.
“What’s the matter, dear?”, she whispers as she steps into the room, “Why are you down here at this time of night?” The husband looks up from his drink, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?” he asks solemnly.
“Yes I do” she replies. The husband paused. The words were not coming easily. “Do you remember when your father, the cop, caught us in the back seat of my car making love?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued, “Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘either you marry my daughter, or I’ll send you to jail for 20 years?”
“I remember that too”, she replied softly.
He wiped another tear from his cheek and said…
“I would have gotten out today.”
Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.”
The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, “What’s wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says, “What EXACTLY did you say to me?” The big dude says, “I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me….. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weighs 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.”
The small guy says: “Turner Brown?!….Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, “Turn around.”
Three mice are sitting at a bar after the funeral of an Saskatchewan mouse killed by an eighty year old lady with a broom, trying to impress each other about how tough they are.
The Ontario mouse throws down a shot of bourbon, slams the empty glass onto the bar, turns to the Alberta mouse and says, “When I see a mousetrap, I lie on my back and set it off with my foot. When the bar comes down, I catch it in my teeth, bench press it twenty times to work up an appetite, and then make off with the cheese.”
The Alberta mouse orders up two shots of tequila, drinks them down one after the other, slams both glasses onto the bar, turns to the Ontario mouse and replies, “Oh yeah? When I see rat poison, I collect as much as I can, take it home, grind it up to a powder, and add it to my coffee each morning so I can get a good buzz going for the rest of the day.”
The Ontario and Alberta mouse then turn to the Manitoba mouse. The Manitoba mouse finishes the beer he has in front of him, lets out a long sigh and says to the two, “I don’t have time for this bulls**t. Gotta go home and f**k the cat.”
It has been brought to management’s attention that some individuals throughout the company have been using foul language during the course of normal conversation with their co-workers.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realize the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with co-workers.
Therefore, a list of 18 New and Innovative “TRY SAYING” phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1) TRY SAYING: I think you could use more training.
INSTEAD OF: You don’t know what the f___ you’re doing.
2) TRY SAYING: She’s an aggressive go-getter.
INSTEAD OF: She’s a f___ing bit__.
3) TRY SAYING: Perhaps I can work late.
INSTEAD OF: And when the f___ do you expect me to do this?
4) TRY SAYING: I’m certain that isn’t feasible.
INSTEAD OF: No f___ing way.
5) TRY SAYING: Really?
INSTEAD OF: You’ve got to be sh___ing me!
6) TRY SAYING: Perhaps you should check with…
INSTEAD OF: Tell someone who gives a sh__.
7) TRY SAYING: I wasn’t involved in the project.
INSTEAD OF: It’s not my f___ing problem.
8) TRY SAYING: That’s interesting.
INSTEAD OF: What the f___?
9) TRY SAYING: I’m not sure this can be implemented.
INSTEAD OF: This sh__ won’t work.
10) TRY SAYING: I’ll try to schedule that.
INSTEAD OF: Why the f___ didn’t you tell me sooner?
11) TRY SAYING: He’s not familiar with the issues.
INSTEAD OF: He’s got his head up his a__.
12) TRY SAYING: Excuse me, sir?
INSTEAD OF: Eat sh__ and die.
13) TRY SAYING: So you weren’t happy with it?
INSTEAD OF: Kiss my a__.
14) TRY SAYING: I’m a bit overloaded at the moment.
INSTEAD OF: F__ it, I’m on salary.
15) TRY SAYING: I don’t think you understand.
INSTEAD OF: Shove it up your a__.
16) TRY SAYING: I love a challenge.
INSTEAD OF: This f___ing job sucks.
17) TRY SAYING: You want me to take care of that?
INSTEAD OF: Who the f___ died and made you boss?
18) TRY SAYING: He’s somewhat insensitive.
INSTEAD OF: He’s a pr_ck.
TOP TEN THINGS MEN UNDERSTAND ABOUT WOMEN
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN CANADA
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges. You do the math.
2. Your $900,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There’s always some sort of deforestation protest going on.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big rock between you and BC.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 5% instead of the approximately 200% it is for the rest of the country.
4. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
5. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
6. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Your province is really easy to draw.
3. You can watch the dog run away from home for days.
4. People will assume you live on a farm.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find that you suddenly have a beachfront property.
2. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
3. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
4. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
5. You can pass the time watching trucks and barns either float or fly by.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO
1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $700,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
3. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.
4. You can blame all your problems on the “Anglo A*#!%!”
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK
1. One way or another, the government gets 98% of your income.
2. You’re poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
4. Everybody has a grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can’t, think they can.
2. You can pretend to have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
3. You are the only reason Anne Murray makes money.
(Her first name is really Morna.)
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
4. Everyone has been an extra on “Road to Avonlea.”
5. This is where all those tiny, red potatoes come from.
6. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
3. The workday is about two hours long.
4. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.
TOP 25 COUNTRY SONGS
25. Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth Cause I’m Kissing You Goodbye
24. Her Teeth Was Stained, But Her Heart Was Pure
23. How Can I Miss You If You Won’t Go Away?
22. I Don’t Know Whether To Kill Myself Or Go Bowling.
21. I Bought A Car From A Guy Who Stole My Girl, But It Don’t Run, So we’re even.
20. I Keep Forgettin’ I Forgot About You.
19. I Liked You Better Before I Knew You So Well.
18. I Still Miss You, Baby, But My Aim’s Gettin’ Better.
17. I Wouldn’t Take Her To A Dog Fight, Cause I’m Afraid She’d Win
16. I’ll Marry You Tomorrow But Let’s Honeymoon Tonight
15. I’m So Miserable Without You, It’s Like Having You Here
14. I’ve Got Tears In My Ears From Lyin’ On My Back and Cryin Over You
13 If I Can’t Be Number One In Your Life, Then Number Two On You
12. If I Had Shot You When I Wanted To, I’d Be Out By Now
11. Mama Get A Hammer (There’s A Fly On Papa’s Head)
10. My Head Hurts, My Feet Stink, And I Don’t Love You
9. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend, And I Sure Do Miss Him
8. Please Bypass This Heart
7. She Got The Ring And I Got The Finger
6. You Done Tore Out My Heart And Stomped That Sucker Flat
5. You’re The Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly
4. If The Phone Don’t Ring, You’ll Know It’s Me
3. She’s Actin’ Single and I’m Drinkin’ Doubles
2. She’s Looking Better After Every Beer
And the number 1 Country and Western song of all time is:
1. I Haven’t Gone To Bed With Any Ugly Women, But I’ve Sure Woke Up With a Few.
TOP 8 MORONS OF 2006
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP? AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it’s not Walter who’s lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS: Police in Oakland, CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B??? An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY! A man walked into a Topeka, Kansas Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently, the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT??? Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn’t control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: “Give me all your money or I’ll shoot”, the man shouted, “that’s not what I said!”.
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING??? A man spoke frantically into the phone: “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart”. “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No!” the man shouted, “This is her husband!”
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED! In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket. (hellooooooo)!
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!! Last summer, down on Lake Isabella, located in the high desert, an hour east of Bakersfield, CA, some folks, new to boating, were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn’t get their brand new 22 foot boat, going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver, no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition.
The engine ran fine, the out-drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So, one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard.
NOW REMEMBER…THIS IS TRUE.
Under the boat, still strapped securely in place, was the trailer!
TODAY’S HISTORY LESSON
Everything I need to know about life, I learned from Noah’s Ark. ..
One : Don’t miss the boat.
Two : Remember that we are all in the same boat.
Three : Plan ahead. It wasn’t raining when Noah built the Ark.
Four : Stay fit. When you’re 600 years old, someone may ask you to do something really big.
Five : Don’t listen to critics; just get on with the job that needs to be done.
Six : Build your future on high ground.
Seven: For safety sake, travel in pairs.
Eight : Speed isn’t always an advantage. The snails were on board with the cheetahs.
Nine : When you’re stressed, float a while.
Ten : Remember, the Ark was built by amateurs; the Titanic by professionals.
TIGER IN NEWFOUNDLAND
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside.
The pump attendant, obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Newfoundlander manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are dose? Asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the attendant.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.
“Tunderin’ Jaysus”, says the Newfoundlander, “BMW tinks of everyting!”
THINGS THAT ARE HARD TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU’RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you’re not really my type
Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight Oh, I just couldn’t.
No one wants to hear me sing.
THINGS MY MOTHER TAUGHT ME
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. !
” Because I said so, that’s why.”
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
7. My mother taught me IRONY.
“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
“Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
14. My mother taught me about BEH AVIOR MODIFICATION.
“Stop acting like your father!”
15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
“Just wait until we get home”
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING
“You are going to get it when you get home!”
18.! My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
“If you don’t s top crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
19 My mother taught me ESP.
“Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
“You’re just like your father.” (boy did I ever hear this one – proud of it)
23 My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
25. And my favorite: – My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
“One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
THEY WALK AMONG US TOO!!!!!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old
fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying: “Free
to good home. You want it, you take it.” For three days the fridge sat
there without even one person looking twice at it. He eventually decided
that people were too un-trusting of this deal. It looked to good to be
true, so he changed the sign to read: “Fridge for sale $50.” The next
day someone stole it.
Caution…. They Walk Among Us!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone
shouted….”Look at that dead bird!” Someone looked up at the sky and
They Walk among us!!
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which
direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking
him up every morning. She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?” When
my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for
sometime, she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that
They Walk Among Us!!
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call center. One day I
got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call center was
open. I told him, “The number you dialled is open 24 hours a day, 7 days
a week.” He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?” Wanting to end
the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific” . .
They Walk Among Us!!!
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we
overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn
she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a
convertible, but “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was
They Walk Among Us!!!!
I told the girl at the steakhouse register that I wanted the half pound
sirloin. She informed me they only had an 8 ounce sirloin. Not wanting
to make a scene, I told her I would take the 8 ounce steak instead of
They walk among us!
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car it’s designed to cut through
a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk…
They Walk Among Us!!!!!
My friends and I were on a Pepsi run and noticed that the cases were
discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier
multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount….
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring
attached to an earring by a chain. My friend said, “Wouldn’t the chain
rip out every time she turned her head?” I had to explain that a
person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way
the head is turned…
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to
the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never
showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained
professional and I was in good hands. “Now,” she asked me, “Has your
plane arrived yet?”…
They Walk Among Us!!!!!!!!
While working at a pizza parlour I observed a man ordering a small pizza
to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like
it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before
responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough
to eat 6 pieces.
Yep, They Walk Among Us, too.!!!!!!!
THINGS GOT YOU DOWN?
Well Then, Consider These!
In a hospital’s Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 a.m., regardless of their medical condition.
This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural. No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am. A worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents.
The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am., all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books, and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits.
Just when the clock struck 11:00, Pookie Johnson, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could plug in the vacuum cleaner.
Still Having a Bad Day????
The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez Oil spill in Alaska was $80,000.00 – per animal! At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers.
A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
Still think you are having a Bad Day????
A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood! , breaking his arm in two places.
Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
Are Ya OK Now? – No?
Two animal rights defenders were protesting the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly.
The two helpless protesters were trampled to death.
What?? STILL having a Bad Day????
Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn’t pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with “Return to Sender” stamped on it.
Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.
There now, Feeling Better, Aren’t you?
THE WISDOM OF PARENTS
A man in Toronto calls his son in Vancouver the day before Christmas Eve and says, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screams.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father says. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Calgary and tell her.”
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. “No way they’re getting divorced!” she shouts, “I’ll take care of this.”
She calls Toronto immediately and screams at her father, “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. “Okay,” he says, “they’re coming for Christmas and paying their own way.
THE VALUE OF A DRINK
‘Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn’t drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.
Then I say to myself, ‘It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.’
~ Joe Handy
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.
‘I feel sorry for people who don’t drink. When they wake up in the morning, that’s as good as they’re going to feel all day.’
~ Frank Sinatra
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.
‘When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.’
~ Henny Youngman
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
‘ 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
I think not.’
~ Stephen Wright
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.
‘When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk,
we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let’s all
get drunk and go to heaven!’
~ Brian O’Rourke
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.
‘Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.’
~ Benjamin Franklin
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a retard.
‘Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.’
~ Dave Barry
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
To some it’s a six-pack, to me it’s a Support Group. Salvation in a can!
~ Dave Howell
WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
And saving the best for last, as explained by Cliff Clavin, of Cheers.
One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Theory to his buddy Norm.
Here’s how it went:
‘Well ya see, Norm, it’s like this… A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.’
THE SENILITY PRAYER
God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones that I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I’m older, here’s what I’ve discovered:
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
My wild oats have turned into prunes and All Bran.
I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
Funny, I don’t remember being absent minded…
All reports are in; life is now officially unfair.
If all is not lost, where is it?
It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Some days you’re the dog; some days you’re the hydrant.
I wish the buck stopped here; I sure could use a few…
Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
Accidents in the back seat cause…kids.
It’s hard to make a comeback when you haven’t been anywhere.
Only time the world beats a path to your door is when you’re in the bathroom.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
When I’m finally holding all the cards, why does everyone decide to play chess?
It’s not hard to meet expenses…they’re everywhere.
The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter… I go somewhere to get something and then wonder what I’m here after.
One day, three men were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about an hour, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools…and the intelligence… to cross this river.” And poof! God turned him into a woman. She looked at the map, hiked upstream a couple hundred yards, and walked across the bridge.
THE REDNECK & THE GATOR
A redneck walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons.
“I’ll make you a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Then open his mouth and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the alligator’s open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped.
After a minute, the man grabbed A beer bottle and smacked the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.
The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I’ll pay anyone $1000 who’s willing to give it a try.”
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up………..”I’ll try it! Just don’t hit me so hard with the beer bottle!”
THE POSITIVE SIDE OF LIFE
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun every year.
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you’re on.
Birthdays are good for you; the more you have, the longer you live.
Happiness comes through doors you didn’t even know you left open.
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
Most of us go to our grave with our music still inside of us.
If Wal-Mart is lowering prices every day, how come nothing is free yet?
You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
Some mistakes are too much fun to only make once.
Don’t cry because it’s over; smile because it happened.
We could learn a lot from crayons: some are sharp, some are pretty, some are dull, some have weird names, and all are different colors….but they all exist very nicely in the same box.
A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.
Have an awesome day!
THE POPE & HILLARY
The Pope and Hillary Rodham Clinton (HRC) are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd. ‘Her Majesty’ and His Holiness, however, have seen it all before, so to make it a little more interesting, the senator says to the Pope, “Did You know that with just one little wave of my hand I can make every Democrat in the crowd go wild?”
He doubts it, so she shows him. Sure enough, the wave elicits rapture and cheering from every democrat in the crowd. Gradually, the cheering subsides.
The Pope, not wanting to be outdone by such a level of arrogance, considers what he could do. “That was impressive. But did you know that with just one little wave of MY hand I can make EVERY person in the crowd goes crazy with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display like that of your subjects, but will go deep into their hearts, and they will forever speak of this day and rejoice.”
The senator seriously doubts this, and says so. “One little wave of your hand and all people will rejoice forever? Show me.”
So the Pope slapped her.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY
A teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.
The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories
Kathy said, “My father’s a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the pickup when we hit a bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess”.
“And what’s the moral of the story?” asked the teacher.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket!”
“Very good,” said the teacher.
Next little Lucy raised a hand and said, “Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks and the moral to this story is,
Don’t count your chickens until they’re hatched.”
“That was a fine story Lucy. Johnny, do you have a story to share?”
“Yes, ma’am, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn’t break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke and then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”
“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “what kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?
“Stay the Hell away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking
THE LONE RANGER
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party.
The Indian Chief proclaims “So, you are the great Lone Ranger?
In honor of the Harvest Festival you will be executed in three days.
But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse.”
Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger. The Lone Ranger whispers in Silver’s ear and the horse gallops away.
Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blond enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed. “You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?”
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse’s ear. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon.
Later that evening, to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more beautiful than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. “You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?”
The Lone Ranger responds, “I’d like to speak to my horse, ALONE.”
The Chief is curious, but he agrees and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eyes and says, “Silver, listen carefully, for the last time, I need a posse! P – O – S – S – E !!
An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.
Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, “Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!”
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.
He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: “Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can’t marry her because of my personal family situation but I’ll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?”
At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man’s shoulder and tells him, “You try again
A man came home from work and was greeted by his wife, who was dressed in a sexy little nightie.
“Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”
So, he tied her up and went out for a round of golf
Two Arab terrorists are in a locker room taking a shower after their bomb making class in Toronto , when one notices the other has a huge cork stuck in his a**.
If you do not mind me saying,” stated the second, “that cork looks very uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?”
“I regret I cannot”, lamented the first Arab. “It is permanently stuck in my a**.”
“I do not understand,” said the other.
The first Arab says, “I was walking along Bloor Street, and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge old man in Canadian Flag attire with a white beard and cowboy hat came boiling out. He said, “I am Captain Canada, the Genie. I can grant you one wish.”
I said, “No shit?”
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7 foot grizzly charge towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and
saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again,
and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.
At that instant the Atheist cried out: “Oh my God!…”
Time stopped. The bear froze. The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: “You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don’t exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?”
The atheist looked directly into the light, “It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask You to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the BEAR a Christian?”
“Very well,” said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And then the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together and bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen.”
In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight mini skirt.
As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn’t.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reach behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step, and, once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”
The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I’d agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.
The owner of a golf course in Texas was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, “You graduated from the University of Texas and I need some help. If I were to give you $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?”
The secretary thought a moment, then replied, “Everything but my earrings.”
The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.
The Scots raised their threat level from “p### Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.
The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide”. The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country’s military capability.
It’s not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert: Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”
The Germans also increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose”.
Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.
The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.
Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes on all of their allies ‘just in case’.
Canada doesn’t have any alert levels.
And in the southern hemisphere …
New Zealand has also raised its security levels – from “baaa” to “BAAAA”. Due to continuing defense cutbacks (the airforce being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister’s bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is “I hope Australia will come and rescue us”.
Australia , meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be al’right, mate”. Three more escalation levels remain: “Crikey!’, “I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend” and “The barbie is cancelled”. So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level
TOP TEN THOUGHTS FOR THE YEAR
Life is sexually transmitted.
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny.
If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day;
teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.
Some people are like a Slinky … not really good for anything, but you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut saves you $0.30?
In the ’60’s, people took acid to make the world weird.
Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.
AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR THE YEAR:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among millions and millions of cows, but we haven’t got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.
Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.
TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: “They’ve stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!” she cried.
The dispatcher said, “Stay calm an officer is on the way.”
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. “Disregard.” He says. “She got in the back-seat by mistake.”
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to the other sisters, “Was I getting in or out of the bath?”
The 94 year old yells back, “I don’t know. I’ll come up and see.” She starts up
the stairs and pauses “Was I going up the stairs or down?”
The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She
shakes her head and says, “I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.” She then yells, “I’ll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
“I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!”
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, “Windy, isn’t it?”
“No,” the second man replied, “it’s Thursday.”
And the third man chimed in, “So am I. Let’s have a beer.”
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say “Supersex.”
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, “Supersex.”
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, “I’ll take the soup.”
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk. She said: “You used to hold my hand when we were courting.”
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: “Then you used to kiss me.
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: “Then you used to bite my neck.”
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
“Where are you going?” she asked.
“To get my teeth!”
DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTER
80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, “Anyone who can guess what’s in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!”
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, “An elephant?”
Bessie thinks a minute and says, “Close enough.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, Now don’t get mad at me … I know we’ve been friends for a long time .. but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her.
Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please be careful!”
“Hell,” said Herman, “It’s not just one car. It’s hundreds of them!”
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car – both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it. I could
have sworn we just went through a red light.”
After a few more minutes, they came to another intersection and the light was red again. Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!”
Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh shoot, am I driving?”
TELL ME THIS WON’T HAPPEN TO US!!!
SO YOU THINK YOU KNOW EVERYTHING?
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
A crocodile cannot stick out its tongue.
A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A “jiffy” is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
A snail can sleep for three years.
Al Capone’s business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are a member of the peach family.
An ostrich’s eye is bigger than its brain.
Babies are born without kneecaps. They don’t appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds.
Dogs only have about 10.
“Dreamt” is the only English word that ends in the letters “mt”.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.
In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
If the population of China walked past you, in single file, the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an average of 6 months waiting at red lights.
It’s impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver, purple.
On an old Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament building is an American flag.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears never stop growing.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
“Stewardesses” is the longest word typed with only the left hand and lollipop” with your right.
The average person’s left hand does 56% of the typing.
The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there were three gifts.
The cruise liner, QE2, moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
The sentence: “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog” uses every letter of the alphabet.
The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.
The words ‘racecar,’ ‘kayak’ and ‘level’ are the same whether they are read left to right or right to left (palindromes).
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
There are only four words in the English language which end in “dous”: tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: “abstemious” and “facetious.”
There’s no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies’ room during a dance.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks; otherwise it will digest itself.
…………….Now you know everything!
A Frenchman, an Englishman and Newfoundlander were exploring the jungle and were captured by a fierce tribe. As they sit in a hut, awaiting their fate, the chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now that we’ve caught you, we’re going to kill you, and use your skins to build a new canoe. The good news is you get to choose how you die.”
The Frenchmen says, “I take ze poison.” The chief gives him some poison, the Frenchman says,” Vive la France!” and drinks it down.
The Englishman says, “A pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol, points it at his head, says, “God save the queen!” and blows his brains out.
The Newfoundlander says, “Givus a fork, chief.” The chief looks puzzled, but he gives him a fork. The Newfoundlander starts jabbing himself all over– the stomach, his neck, chest, his sides, and blood is gushing all over the place.
“What are you doing?” screams the chief.
The Newfoundlander looks at the chief and says, “So much for your canoe, chief!”
A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car. There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.
It was, and she said to her husband, “It’s nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?”
He says, “O.K., Get in the car with it.”
“Where shall I put it to get it warm?”
He says, “Put it in between your legs. It’s nice and warm there.
“But what about the smell?”
“Just hold its nose.”
The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat the crap out of him died at the scene.
SKINNY DIPPING & OLD MEN
An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice — picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.” Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Some old men can still think fast.
9 MONTHS LATER
Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.
They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. “I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently “widowed,” she explained. “I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Don’t worry,” Jack said. “We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.”
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the
night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a
few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?”
“Yes,” Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. “I have to admit that I did.”
“And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did. Why do you ask?”
“She just died and left me everything.”
SIX PROOFS THAT JESUS WAS IRISH:
1. He never got married.
2. He never held a steady job.
3. He went out drinking with the lads the night before he died.
4. His last request was a drink
5. He lived with his parents until he was 33.
6. He thought his mother was a virgin, and she, bless her, thought he was God.
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
. . . .
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye….It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
He thinks this is a figment of his imagination, and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, “What may we do for you my son?”
He answers, “I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business….”
“Very well my son. Please follow me.” He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disorientated. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, “Please knock on this door.”
He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door… This nun instructs,
“Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.”
He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.
The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER.
AMAZINGLY SIMPLE HOME REMEDIES
1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat, and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away!
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Smash your thumb with a hammer and you will forget about the toothache.
Sometimes, we just need to remember what the rules of life really are:
You only need two tools: WD-40 and Duct Tape. If it doesn’t move and should, use the WD-40. If it shouldn’t move and does, use the duct tape.
Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You get another chance.
And finally, be really nice to your family and friends; you never know when you might need them to empty your bedpan.
On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
“We’re #1 in the #2 business.”
Sign over a Gynecologist’s Office:
“Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
At a Proctologist’s door
“To expedite your visit please back in.”
On a Plumber’s truck:
“We repair what your husband fixed.”
On another Plumber’s truck:
“Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
Pizza Shop Slogan:
“7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
“Invite us to your next blowout.”
On a Plastic Surgeon’s Office door:
“Hello. Can we pick your nose?”
At a Towing company:
“We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.”
On an Electrician’s truck:
“Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Nonsmoking Area:
“If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
On a Maternity Room door:
“Push. Push. Push.”
At an Optometrist’s Office
“If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
On a Taxidermist’s window:
“We really know our stuff.”
In a Podiatrist’s office:
“Time wounds all heels.”
On a Fence:
“Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.”
At a Car Dealership:
“The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop:
“No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a Veterinarian’s waiting room:
“Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the Electric Company:
“We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don’t, you will be.”
In a Restaurant window:
“Don’t stand there and be hungry, Come on in and get fed up.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
“Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”
At a Propane Filling Station,
“Tank heaven for little grills.”
And don’t forget the sign at a Chicago Radiator Shop:
“Best place in town to take a leak.”
An elderly gentleman…
Had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, ‘Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again.’
The gentleman replied, ‘Oh, I haven’t told my family yet.
I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!’
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: ‘Slim, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?’
Slim says, ‘I feel just like a newborn baby.’
‘Really!? Like a newborn baby!?’
‘Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants.’
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple’s house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, ‘Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would re commend it very highly.’
The other man said, ‘What is the name of the restaurant?’
The first man thought and thought and finally said, ‘What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love?
You know… The one that’s red and has thorns.’
‘Do you mean a rose?’
‘Yes, that’s the one,’ replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, ‘Rose, what’s the name of that restaurant we went to last night?’
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn’t need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
‘I don’t know,’ he said. ‘She’s still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.’
Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.
‘ Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’
‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.
‘No, I can remember it.’
‘Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so’s not to forget it?’
He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’
‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.
Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!’
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment..
‘Where’ s my toast ?’
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
‘So I hear you’re getting married?’
‘Do I know her?’
‘This woman, is she good looking?’
‘Is she a good cook?’
‘Naw, she can’t cook too well.’
‘Does she have lots of money?’
‘Nope! Poor as a church mouse.’
‘Well, then, is she good in bed?’
‘I don’t know.’
‘Why in the world do you want to marry her then?’
‘Because she can still drive!’
Three old guys are out walking.
First one says, ‘Windy, isn’t it?’
Second one says, ‘No, it’s Thursday!’
Third one says, ‘So am I. Let’s go get a beer.’
A man was telling his neighbor, ‘I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.’
‘Really,’ answered the neighbor . ‘What kind is it?’
Morris, an 82 year- old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, ‘You’re really doing great, aren’t you?’
Morris replied, ‘Just doing what you said, Doc: ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.”
The doctor said, ‘I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur; be careful..’
One more. !
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, ‘Crushed nuts?’
‘No,’ he replied, ‘Arthritis.’
SENIORS … GOTTA LOVE ‘EM
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
“You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,” the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. “The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing and…”, pausing to take another drink of beer……
The senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said, “You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young… so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shithead, what are you doing for the next generation?”
SENIOR ENTERTAINMENT NIGHT
It was entertainment night at the senior center, and the Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the meeting room, he announced “Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience.”
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat. “I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations.”
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch….”
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.
“S**T!” said the hypnotist.
It took three days to clean up the senior center.
OL’ FRED ….
Ol’ Fred had been a faithful Christian and was in the hospital, near death. The family called their pastor to stand with them. As the pastor stood next to the bed, Ol’ Fred’s condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper, and Ol’ Fred used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The pastor thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket.
At the funeral, as he was finishing the message, he realised that he was wearing the same jacket that he was wearing when Ol’ Fred died. He said, “You know, Ol’ Fred handed me a note just before he died. I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration there for us all.”
He opened the note, and read, “A**hole, you’re standing on my oxygen tube!”
RESULTS OF MENSA COMPETITION
The Washington Post is said to have published the results of the 2007 yearly contest in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
Here are the results:
1. Coffee, (n.) the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted, (adj.) appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.
3. Abdicate, (v.) to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade, (v.) to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-Nilly, (adj.) impotent.
6. Negligent, (adj.) absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.
7. Lymph, (v.) to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle, (n.) olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence, (n.) emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash, (n.) a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle, (n.) a humorous question on an exam.
12. Rectitude, (n.) the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon, (n.) a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Frisbeetarianism, (n.) the belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
15. Circumvent, (n.) an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men
Bryan came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he
often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep. He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Brian, “and what are you doing in my bedroom”? The mysterious man answered “This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St. Peter”.
Brian was stunned “You mean I’m dead!!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for, I haven’t said goodbye to my family…. you’ve got to send me back straight away”.
St Peter replied “Yes you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain’t so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him.
The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here?” “It’s not so bad” replies Brian, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode”.
“You’re ovulating” explained the rooster, “don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before”.
“Never” replies Brian.
“Well just relax and let it happen”.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him… ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting “Brian, wake up you drunk b**tard, you’re s**tting in the bed!!”
REDNECK DRIVER’S LICENSE APPLICATION
Last name: ________________
First name (check appropriate box):
Age: ____ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: ____ M _____ F _____ Not sure
Shoe Size: ____ Left ____ Right
[_] Hair Dresser
[_] Dirty Politician
Spouse’s Name: __________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: _________________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: _________________________
Lover’s Name: ____________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: __________________________
Relationship with spouse:
Number of children living in household: ___
Number of children living in shed: ___
Number of children that are yours: ___
Mother’s Name: _______________________
Father’s Name: _______________________
(If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
Vehicles you own and where you keep them:
___ Total number of vehicles you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Firearms you own and where you keep them:
Model of your pickup: _____________
Year pickup produced: 194____
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] No; If no, please
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] The National Enquirer
[_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide
[_] Soap World
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Not Applicable
How many teeth? ___
Color of teeth:
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer:
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 1 mile
[_] 2 miles
[_] don’t know
A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket toward the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman says as she pops her eye back in place.
“I’m sure that must have embarrassed you so let me pay for your dinner to make it up to you,” she says.
They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theatre followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he listens, he shares his and she listens.
After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.
They have a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet breakfast with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed and totally impressed.
Everything had been SO incredible!
“You know,” he said, “you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? ”
“No,” she replies. . . . .
“You just happened to catch my eye.”
RED SKELTON’S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere…..
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands.
If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said “There are too many gadgets and no place to sit down!”
So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn’t running well because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was; she told me “In the lake.”
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling “Am I too late for the garbage?”
The driver said “No, jump in!”
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right.
I just didn’t know her first name was Always.
12. I haven’t spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don’t like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked “What’s on the TV?”
I said “Dust!”
While I was flying down the road yesterday (only 10 over), I noticed a cop with a radar gun sitting on top of a bridge. The cop pulled me over, walked up to the car and asked, “What’s the hurry?” as he began writing the ticket.
I replied, “I’m late for work.”
Oh, too bad” said the cop, continuing to write, “What do you do?”
After pausing, I responded, “I’m a rectum stretcher.”
The cop said “What…..a rectum stretcher, and what does a rectum stretcher do?”
I said, “Well, I start with one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then my whole hand, then I work until I can get both hands in there and then I slowly stretch it until it’s about 6 feet wide.”
The cop asked me, “What in the hell would you do with a 6 foot a**hole?”
I simply replied, “You give him a radar gun and park him on top of a bridge…”
The ticket — $95 dollars. The look on his face, PRICELESS!
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
Smart boss + smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn’t need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to
understand her at all.
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot
more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change, and she does.
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and
cackling, telling me, “You’re next.”
They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
RAY AND BUBBA
Ray & Bubba (two mechanical engineers) were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
“We’re supposed to find the height of the flagpole,” said Bubba, “but we don’t have a ladder.”
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. Then she took a tape measure from her pocket, took a measurement, announced, “Eighteen feet, six inches,” and walked away.
Ray shook his head and laughed. “Ain’t that just like a woman! We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”
Bubba and Ray are currently working for the government . . .
RANDOM THOUGHTS FROM 25 – 35 YEAR OLDS …
1. -I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
2. -More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
3. -Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
4. -I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?
5. -Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
6. -That’s enough, Nickelback.
7. -I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
8. -Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
9. -Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.
10. -There is a great need for sarcasm font.
11. -Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f was going on when I first saw it.
12. -I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.
13. -How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
14. -I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
15. -I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
16. -The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
18. -LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
19. -I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
20. -Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
21. -Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
22. -How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
23. -I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
24. -Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”
25. -What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
26. -While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.
27. -MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
28. -Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
29. -I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
30. -Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
31. -I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
32. -Bad decisions make good stories
33. -Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!
34. -If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
35. -Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….
36. -You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
37. -Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
38. -There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
39. -I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
40. -“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
41. -I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’
42. -I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dammit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?
43. -I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
44. -When I meet a new guy, I’m terrified of mentioning something he hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
45. -I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
46. -Why is a school zone 30 kph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
47. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
48. -Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
49. -It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
50. -I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
51. -Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.
52. -Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…
53. -My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?
54. -It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
55. -I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
56. -I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
57. -I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, “Man, what happened to you?” He said, “Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.”
The next night it was a different deputy’s turn. In the morning, same thing–hair all standing up, eyes all blood-shot. They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, “Man, that Daryl! Shakes the roof. I watched him all night.”
The third night was Frank’s turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. “Good morning,” he said. They couldn’t believe it! They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him good night. He sat up and watched me all night long.”
QUESTIONS TO KEEP YOU AWAKE:
1. Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
2. Why can’t women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
3. Why doesn’t glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
4. Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?
5. Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?
6. Why is a boxing ring square?
7. Why is it considered necessary to nail down a lid of a coffin?
8. Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?
9. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
10. Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on “Start”?
11. Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
12. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
13. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
14. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
15. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
16. Why isn’t there a special name for the tops of your feet?
17. Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?
18. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
19. Why do you need a driver’s license to buy liquor when you can’t drink and drive?
Can you imagine working for a company that has a little more than 300
Employees and has the following statistics?
30 have been accused of spousal abuse.
9 have been arrested for fraud
14 have been accused of writing bad cheques.
95 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses.
4 have done time for assault.
55 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit.
12 have been arrested on drug related charges.
4 have been arrested for shoplifting.
16 are currently defendants in lawsuits.
62 have been arrested for drunk driving in the last year!
Can you guess which organization this is?
It is the 301 MP’s in the Canadian Parliament!
The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws designed to keep
The rest of us in line?!
Which one did you vote for?
TAKEN FROM THE OTTAWA CITIZEN
THE QUEEN AND THE GENTLEMAN
At Heathrow Airport, in England, a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out to Air Canada’s designated VIP aircraft and the Canadian Prime Minister strode to a warm but dignified handshake from Queen Elizabeth II. They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.
As they rode toward Buckingham Palace, each looking to their side and waving to the thousands of cheering Britons lining the streets, all was going well. This was indeed a glorious display of pageantry and dignity. Suddenly the scene was shattered when the right rear horse let rip the most horrendous, earth-shattering, eye-smarting blast of flatulence and the coach filled with noxious fumes.
Uncomfortable, but maintaining control, the two dignitaries did their best to ignore the whole incident, but then the Queen decided that was a poor manner with which to handle a most embarrassing situation. She turned to Mr. Harper and explained, “Mr. Prime Minister, please accept my regrets. I’m sure you understand that there are some things even a Queen cannot control.”
Stephen Harper, the ever Canadian gentleman, replied, “Your Majesty, please don’t give the matter another thought. You know, if you hadn’t said something I would have assumed it was one of the horses.”
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o’clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger standing in a pouring rain is asking for a push.
“Not a chance,” says the husband – “It’s three o’clock in the morning!”
He slams the door and returns to bed.
“Who was it?” asks his wife.
“Just a drunken stranger asking for a push,” he answers.
“Did you help him?” she asks
“NO, I didn’t – it’s three in the morning and raining cats and dogs out there!”
“Well, you’ve got a short memory,” says his wife.
“Can’t you remember about three months ago when we broke down on our vacation and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him.” The man does as he is told, gets dressed, goes out into the pounding rain and calls out into the dark.
“Hello-are you still there?”
“Yes,” comes the answer.
“Do you still want a push?” calls out the husband.
“Yes, please!” comes the reply from the dark.
“Where are you?” asks the husband.
“Over here on the swing,” the drunk replies.
SO, WHAT DO CANADIANS HAVE TO BE PROUD OF?
2. Crispy Crunch, Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our footballs fields and one less down
4. Baseball is Canadian
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers ass
10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin’ Donuts ass
11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back…past their ‘White House’. Then we burned it…and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time. We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied…Go figure.
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population that never ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.
14. Our civil war was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing… but showed up just in time to get caught.
16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth’s surface and is still around as the world’s oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
20. We don’t marry our kin-folk.
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, velcro, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. A Canadian invented Superman.
BUT MOST IMPORTANT!
24. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on. OOOoohhhhh Canada!!
Oh yeah… and our elections only take one day.
PROOFREADING IS A DYING ART, WOULDN’T YOU SAY?
Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
No, really? Ya think?
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Now that’s taking things a bit far!
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
What a guy!
Miners Refuse to Work after Death
No-good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!
Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
See if that works any better than a fair trial!
War Dims Hope for Peace
I can see where it might have that effect!
If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile
Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
Who would have thought!
Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide
They may be on to something!
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges
You mean there’s something stronger than duct tape?
Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge
He probably IS the battery charge!
New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
Weren’t they fat enough?!
Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft
That’s what he gets for eating those beans!
Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
Do they taste like chicken?
Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!
And the winner is….
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?
In Honor of Stupid People.
In case you needed further proof that the human race is doomed through stupidity, here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.
On a Sears hairdryer — Do not use while sleeping.
(Damn, and that’s the only time I have to work on my hair).
On a bag of Fritos — You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special)?
On a bar of Dial soap — “Directions: Use like regular soap.”
(and that would be how???….)
On some Swanson frozen dinners — “Serving suggestion: Defrost.”
(But, it’s “just” a suggestion).
On Tesco’s Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) – “Do not turn upside down.”
(well…duh, a bit late, huh)!
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding — “Product will be hot after heating.”
(…and you thought????…)
On packaging for a Rowenta iron — “Do not iron clothes on body.”
(but wouldn’t this save me more time)?
On Boot’s Children Cough Medicine — “Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication.”
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)
On Nytol Sleep Aid — “Warning: May cause drowsiness.”
(and…I’m taking this because???….)
On most brands of Christmas lights —
“For indoor or outdoor use only.”
(as opposed to…what)?
On a Japanese food processor —
“Not to be used for the other use.”
(now, somebody out there, help me on this. I’m a bit curious)
On Sainsbury’s peanuts — “Warning: contains nuts.”
(talk about a news flash)
On an American Airlines packet of nuts — “Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts.”
(Step 3: maybe, uh…fly Delta?)
On a child’s Superman costume –“Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly.”
(I don’t blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)
On a Swedish chainsaw — “Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals.”
(Oh my God! Was there a lot of this happening somewhere?)
All those who believe in telekinesis, raise my hand.
I almost had a psychic girlfriend, but she left me before we met.
OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
24 hours in a day … 24 beers in a case … coincidence?
When I’m not in my right mind, my left mind gets pretty crowded.
What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
I used to have an open mind, but my brains kept falling out. (Now I know why I have
I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
No one is listening until you make a mistake.
Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
The colder the X-ray table, the more of your body
is required to be on it.
The hardness of the butter is proportional to the
softness of the bread.
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism — to
steal from many is research.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one
you’ve never tried before.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow.
If you think nobody cares about you, try missing
a couple of payments.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Borrow money from pessimists – they don’t expect it back.
Half the people you know are below average.
42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
POLITICAL SCIENCE MADE EASY
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.
Bono sings for you.
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You have two cows.
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
You form a cooperative to tell him how to manage his cow.
You have two cows.
The government seizes both and provides you with milk.
You wait in line for hours to get it.
It is expensive and sour.
CAPITALISM, HARPER STYLE
You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.
BUREAUCRACY, DION STYLE
You have two cows.
Under the new farm program the government pays you to shoot one, milk the other, and then pours the milk down the drain.
You have two cows.
You sell one, lease it back to yourself and do an IPO on the 2nd one.
You force the two cows to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when one cow drops dead. You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.
Your stock goes up.
You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.
You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.
You have two cows but you don’t know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.
You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.
You have all the cows in Afghanistan , which are two.
You don’t milk them because you cannot touch any creature’s private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.
You have two cows.
They go into hiding.
They send radio tapes of their mooing.
You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed and killed attempting to milk them.
You have one cow.
The cow is schizophrenic.
Sometimes the cow thinks he’s French, other times he’s English.
The English cow won’t share with the French cow.
The French cow wants control of the English cow’s milk.
The cow asks permission to be cut in half.
The cow dies happy.
You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone votes for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can’t figure out how to vote at all.
Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.
You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.
Only five speak English.
Most are illegals.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.
[Steve, an old friend of mine added this]
You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You have no license to own them
You are jailed and your cows are confiscated
Your neighbor has taken the cow ownership course and has an acquisition certificate for same. He gets your cows
*THE PHONE CALL*
“Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy. She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Paul.”
“Oh yes I do and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now.”
“Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy’s car just pulled into the driveway.”
“Okay Daddy, just a minute.”
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.
“I did it Daddy.”
“And what happened honey?” he asked.
“Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn’t moving at all!”
“Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?”
“He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn’t know that you emptied it last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he’s dead.”
***Even Longer Pause***
Then Daddy says, “Swimming pool? . . . Is this 555-486-5731?”
ONCE UPON A TIME IN THE KINGDOM OF HEAVEN
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Look Michael, look what I’ve made.”
Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet,” replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance.”
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth, “For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the far north will be cold while the Middle East over there will be a hot spot. Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people,” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”
The Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then pointed to a large landmass in the top corner and asked, “What’s that one?”
“Ah,” said God. “That’s Canada, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, lakes, rivers, streams and an exquisite coastline. The people from Canada are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them super-human, undefeatable ice hockey players who will be admired and feared by all who come across them.”
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed. “What about balance, God. You said there would be BALANCE!”
God replied wisely. “Wait until you see the size of the loud biker gang I’m putting next to them.”
On the very first day, God created the cow. He said to the cow,
“Today I have created you! As a cow, you must go to the field with the farmer all day long. You will work all day under the sun! I will give you a life span of 50 years.” The cow objected. “What? This kind of tough life you want me to live for 50 years? Let me have 20 years, and the last 30 years – I’ll give back to you.”
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the dog. God said to the dog, “What you are supposed to do is to sit all day by the door of your house. Any people that come by, or in, you will have to bark at them! I’ll give you a life span of 20 years!” The dog objected. “What? All day long I have to sit by the door? No way! Let me live for only 10 years. I give you back my other 10 years of life!”
So God agreed.
On the third day, God created the monkey. He said to the monkey, “A monkey has to entertain people. You’ve got to make them laugh and do monkey tricks. And I’ll give you a 20 year life span.” The monkey objected. “What? Make them laugh? Do monkey faces and tricks? Ten years will do, and the other 10 years – I’ll give back to you.”
So God agreed.
On the fourth day, God created man and said to him, “Your job is to sleep, eat, and play. You will enjoy very much in your life. All you need to do is to enjoy and do nothing. For this kind of life, I’ll give you a 20 year life span.” The man objected. “What? Such a good life! Eat, play, sleep, do nothing? Enjoy the best and you expect me to live only for 20 years? No way, man! Why don’t we make a deal? Since Cow gave you back 30 years, Dog gave you back 10 years, and Monkey gave you back 10 years, I will take them from you! That makes my life span 70 years, right?”
So God agreed.
AND THAT IS WHY…
In our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, enjoy the best and do nothing much. For the next 30 years, we work all day long, suffer and get to support the family. For the next 10 years, we entertain our grandchildren by making monkey faces and doing monkey tricks. And for the last 10 years, we stay at home, sit in front of the door and bark at people.
Lesson Number 1:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, “Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?” The crow answered: “Sure, why not.” So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson 1: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Lesson Number 2:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, “but I haven’t got the energy.” Well, why don’t you nibble on some of my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Management Lesson 2:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won’t keep you there.
Lesson Number 3:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some
dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung and promptly dug him out and ate him!
Management Lessons 3:
1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy.
2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend.
3) And when you’re in deep shit, keep your mouth shut.
THE PRIEST’S RETIREMENT DINNER
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
“I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife; taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled.
But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”…..
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies for being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. “I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession.”
Moral: DON’T BE LATE.
A boat docked in a tiny Mexican fishing village.
A tourist complimented the local fishermen
on the quality of their fish and asked
how long it took him to catch them.
“Not very long.” they answered in unison.
“Why didn’t you stay out longer and catch more?”
The fishermen explained that their small catches were
sufficient to meet their needs and those of their families.
“But what do you do with the rest of your time?”
“We sleep late, fish a little, play with our children,
and take siestas with our wives.
In the evenings, we go into the village to see our friends,
have a few drinks, play the guitar, and sing a few songs.
We have a full life.”
The tourist interrupted,
“I have an MBA from Harvard and I can help you!
You should start by fishing longer every day.
You can then sell the extra fish you catch.
With the extra revenue, you can buy a bigger boat.”
“And after that?”
“With the extra money the larger boat will bring,
you can buy a second one and a third one
and so on until you have an entire fleet of trawlers.
Instead of selling your fish to a middle man,
you can then negotiate directly with the processing plants
and maybe even open your own plant.
You can then leave this little village and move to Mexico City,
Los Angeles, or even New York City!
From there you can direct your huge new enterprise.”
“How long would that take?”
“Twenty, perhaps twenty-five years.” replied the tourist.
“And after that?”
“Afterwards? Well my friend, that’s when it gets really interesting,”
answered the tourist, laughing. “When your business gets really big,
you can start buying and selling stocks and make millions!”
“Millions? Really? And after that?”asked the fishermen.
“After that you’ll be able to retire,
live in a tiny village near the coast,
sleep late, play with your children,
catch a few fish; take a siesta with your wife
and spend your evenings drinking and enjoying your friends.”
And the moral of this story is:
…….. Know where you’re going in life… you may already be there!!
LIFE AS A SENIOR (it’s not for sissies)
A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things.
They decide to go to the doctor for a checkup. The doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair.
His wife asks, “Where are you going?” “To the kitchen” he replies. “Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?”
“Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?” she asks.
“No, I can remember it.”
“Well, I’d like some strawberries on top, too. You’d better write it down because you know you’ll forget it.”
He says, “I can remember that! You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.”
“I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, so you’d better write it down!” she retorts.
Irritated, he says, “I don’t need to write it down, I can remember it! Leave me alone! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream – I got it, for goodness sake!”
Then he grumbles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.
She stares at the plate for a moment and says – “Where’s my toast?
Keep Reading ~~
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: “So I hear you’re getting married?”
“Do I know her?”
“This woman, is she good looking?”
“Is she a good cook?”
“Naw, she can’t cook too well.”
“Does she have lots of money?”
“Nope! Poor as a church mouse.”
“Well then, is she good in bed?”
“I don’t know.”
“Why in the world do you want to marry her then?”
“Because she can still drive!”
Keep Reading ~ ~
Three old guys are out walking. First one says,
“Windy, isn’t it?”
Second one says, “No, it’s Thursday!”
Third one says, “So am I. Let’s go get a beer.”
Keep Reading ~ ~
A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It
cost me four thousand dollars, but its state of the art. It’s perfect.”
“Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
Keep Reading ~ ~
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just doing what you said, Doc. ‘Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.’
” The doctor said, “I didn’t say that. I said, ‘You’ve got a heart murmur. Be careful.”
Keep Reading ~ ~
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, “Crushed nuts?”
“No,” he replied, “arthritis.”
LIBERAL OR CONSERVATIVE?
I was traveling between Toronto and Ajax the other day when a tire blew out. Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van.
He yelled out the window, “Need a lift?”.
“Yes, I sure do,” I replied.
“You a Liberal or Conservative,” asked the old man.
“Conservative,” I replied.
“Well, you can just go to Hell,” yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
Again, I gave the same answer, “Conservative.”
The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Conservatives.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Liberal or Conservative.
“Liberal” I shouted.
“Hop in!” replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn’t help but stare at the gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, “Please stop the car.”
She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out.
“What’s the matter?” she asked.
“I can’t take it anymore,” I replied. “I’ve only been a Liberal for five minutes and already, I want to screw somebody”.
LETTER TO DAD AND DAD’S ANSWER
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can’t think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
LET’S GET STARTED FOR ST. PAT’S
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar.
When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
“S’cuse me”, said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done, “what was that all about?”
“Nothin’, said the Irishman, “my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives!”
“I’ve Lost Me Luggage”
An Irishman arrived at J.F.K. Airport and wandered around the terminal with tears streaming down his cheeks. An airline employee asked him if he was already homesick.
“No,” replied the Irishman “I’ve lost all me luggage!”
“How’d that happen?”
“The cork fell out!” said the Irishman.
“Water to Wine”
An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.
\The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest.
The trooper says, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The priest looks at the bottle and says, “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”
Two Irishmen were sitting at a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin’ bad.”
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, “Aye, ’tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin’ victim to temptation as well.”
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel, and one of the
Irishmen said, “What a terrible pity…one of the girls must be dying.
Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Seamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard..
“Come have a look over here,” says Paddy, “It’s Michael O’Grady’s grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87.”
“That’s nothing,” says Sean, “here’s one named Patrick O’Toole, it says here that he was 95 when he died.”!
Just then, Seamus yells out, “Good God, here’s a fella that got to be 145!”
“What was his name?” asks Paddy.
Seamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else
is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, “Miles, from Dublin.”
Drunk Ole Mulvihill (From the Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional box, sits down but says nothing.
The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention but the Ole just sits there.
Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.
The drunk mumbles, “ain’t no use knockin, there’s no paper on this side either.”
Irish Last Request
Mary Clancy goes up to Father O’Grady’s after his Sunday morning service, and she’s in tears.
He says, “So what’s bothering you, Mary my dear?”
She says, “Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news. My husband passed away last night.”
The priest says, “Oh, Mary, that’s terrible. Tell me, did he have any last requests?”
She says, “That he did, Father…”
The priest says, “What did he ask, Mary?”
She says, “He said, ‘Please Mary, put down that damn gun!’
LET ME SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT!”
IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.
IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.
IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER ILLEGALLY,
YOU GET SHOT.
IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE JAILED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.
IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.
IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.
IF YOU CROSS THE CANADIAN OR AMERICAN BORDER ILLEGALLY
A JOB, A DRIVERS LICENSE, SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE, FOOD STAMPS, CREDIT CARDS, SUBSIDIZED RENT OR A LOAN TO BUY A HOUSE,
FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE, A LOBBYIST IN OTTAWA OR WASHINGTON, BILLIONS OF DOLLARS WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE,THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU PROTEST THAT YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT, AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.
I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION.
LES AMERICAINS ….
Once again the American’s motto: Might is Right!!! (sigh!..)
Below is the actual radio conversation of a US navy ship and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.
CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to avoid a collision.
CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.
AMERICANS: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.
CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.
AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT’S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.
CANADIANS: We are a lighthouse. Your call.
ON THE TOPIC OF LAWYERS
These are from a book called “Disorder in the American Courts,” which presents excerpts that are allegedly taken, word for word, from courtroom transcripts…
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?’
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he’s twenty.
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you #*%^@ %) me?
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you #@%*&$ @ me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh… are you qualified to ask that question?
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
My Wife and I were sitting in the living room, watching TV news about somebody in the hospital on life-support, and I said to her, “Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
She got up, unplugged the TV and threw out all of my beer.
IT IS TOUGH BEING A MAN
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you’re a male chauvinist. If you stay home and do the housework, you’re a pansy.
If you work too hard, there is never any time for her. If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation. If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your ass and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism. If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment. If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.
If you cry, you’re a wimp. If you don’t, you’re an insensitive bastard.
If you thump her, it’s wife bashing. If she thumps you, it’s self-defense.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a chauvinist. If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s domination. If she asks you, it’s a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you’re a pervert. If you don’t, you’re gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you’re sexist. If you don’t, you’re unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re vain. If you don’t, you’re a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you’re after something. If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.
If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re full of yourself. If you don’t, you’re not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she’s tired. If you have a headache, you don’t love her anymore.
If you want it too often, you’re oversexed. If you don’t, there must be someone else.
NO WONDER MEN DIE BEFORE WOMEN…..THEY WANT TO!!
IS SEX WORK OR PLAY?
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, “My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays.”
The man thinks: “What does a priest know about sex?” So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply: “Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!”
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, ” My son, sex is definitely play.”
The man replies, “Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?” The Rabbi softly speaks, “My son, if sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it.”
“One would think the most prominent injustice of an outhouse is its foul odor.
In actuality, it is the inability for visual confirmation of accomplishment!”
IMPORTANCE OF ENGLISH
I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange, so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank.
Short line. Just one lady in front of me . .. an Asian lady who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and she was a little irritated
She asked the teller, ‘Why it change?? Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I get hunat eighty?? Why it change?’
The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, ‘Fluctuations’
The Asian lady says, ‘Fluc you white people, too’.
IF COLLEGE STUDENTS WROTE THE BIBLE
Last Supper would have been eaten the next morning – cold.
The Ten Commandments are actually only five, double-spaced, and written in a large font.
New edition every two years in order to limit reselling.
Forbidden fruit would have been eaten because it wasn’t cafeteria food.
Paul’s letter to the Romans becomes Paul’s e-mail to firstname.lastname@example.org.
Reason Cain killed Abel: They were roommates.
The place where the end of the world occurs: Finals, not Armageddon.
Out go the mules, in come the mountain bikes.
Reason why Moses and followers walked in desert for 40 years: They didn’t want to ask directions and look like freshmen.
Instead of God creating the world in six days and resting on the seventh,
He would have put it off until the night before it was due and then pulled an all-nighter.
IDIOTS OF 2008
Some people should wear and “Idiot” sign.
Number One Idiot of 2008
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.
Here’s your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
Number Two Idiot of 2008
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.
Here’s your sign, guys. Don’t get it wet; the paint might run.
Number Three Idiot of 2008
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, ‘Put all your muny in this bag.’ While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller’s window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn’t the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.
Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, ‘OK’ and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don’t bother with this guy’s sign. He probably couldn’t read it anyway.
Number Four Idiot of 2008
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, ‘Because I don’t believe you are over 21.’ The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn’t believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver’s license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.
The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.
This guy definitely needs a sign.
Idiot Number Five of 2008
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers.
The first one shouted, ‘Nobody move!’ When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.
This guy doesn’t even deserve a sign
Idiot Number Six of 2008
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he’d just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run.
So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.
STAY ALERT! They walk among us… and they REPRODUCE…!!!
IDIOTS IN THE WORLD
IDIOTS IN SERVICE. This week, all our office phones went dead and I had
to contact the telephone repair people. They promised to be out between
8:00 a.m. and 7:00p.m. When I asked if they could give me a smaller time
The pleasant gentleman asked, “Would you like us to call you before we
come?” I replied that I didn’t see how he would be able to do that since
our phones weren’t working.
IDIOTS AT WORK: I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase
when the clerk noticed I had never signed my name on the back of the
credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless
the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to
compare the signature I had just signed on the receipt. So I signed the
credit card in front of her. She carefully compared the signature to the
one I had just signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.
IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD: I live in a semi-rural area. We recently
had a new Neighbor call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: too many deer
were being hit by cars and she didn’t want them to cross there anymore.
IDIOTS IN FOOD SERVICE My daughter went to a local Taco Bell and
ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for “minimal lettuce.” He
said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg. At another Taco Bell, I was
asked if I wanted the food to go. I said no. She asked, do you want to eat
it here? I said, can I eat it on the roof?
IDIOT SIGHTING #1 I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an
airport employee asked, “Has anyone put anything in your baggage without
your knowledge?” To which I replied, “If it was without my knowledge, how
would I know?” She smiled knowingly and nodded, “That’s why we ask.”
IDIOT SIGHTING #2 The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it’s safe To
cross the street. I was crossing with a coworker of mine when she asked if
I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people
when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, “What on earth are blind people
IDIOT SIGHTING #3 At a good-bye luncheon for an old and dear coworker
who is leaving the company due to “downsizing,” our manager commented
cheerfully, “This is fun. We should do this more often.” Not a word was
spoken. We all just looked at each other with that deer-in-the-headlights
IDIOT SIGHTING #4 I work with an individual who plugged her power strip
back into itself and for the life of her couldn’t understand why her
system would not turn on.
IDIOT SIGHTING #5 When my husband and I arrived at an automobile
dealership to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in
it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly
to unlock the driver’s side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I
instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
“Hey,” I announced to the technician, “it’s open!” To which he replied, “I
know – I already got that side.”
I THINK YOU’RE THE FATHER OF ONE OF MY KIDS…
A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.
He’s rather taken a back because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, “Do you know me?” To which she replies, “I think you’re the father of one of my kids.”
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, “My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???”
She looks into his eyes and says calmly, “No, I’m your son’s teacher.”
I THINK THE LIFE CYCLE IS BACKWARDS
I think the life cycle is all backwards.
You should start out dead and thus get it out of the way.
Then, you wake up in an old folks home, feeling better every day.
You get kicked out for being too healthy; go collect your pension,
then when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.
You work 40 years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement.
You drink alcohol, you party, you’re generally promiscuous, you
then get ready for University, then Secondary School.
You go to Primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have
no responsibilities, you become a baby, and then…
You spend your last 9 months floating peacefully in luxury, in
spa-like conditions, with central heating, room service on tap, larger
quarters to live in every day, and then
you finish off as an orgasm
HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY
It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring beer & food
HOW WALL STREET WORKS
An author out of Bangalore who goes by “Thejendra BS” sent this parable:
“Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for $10 each. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at $10 and, as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy monkeys at $20 each. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so scarce it was an effort to even find a monkey, let alone catch it! The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50 each! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. “Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has already collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell them to him for $50 each.” The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
Then they never saw the man nor his assistant again, only lots and lots of monkeys! Now you have a better understanding of how the stock market works.”
I LIE AWAKE
I lie awake waiting for you.
As I lie on my bed, thinking about you,
I feel this strong urge to
grab you and squeeze you,
because I can’t forget last night.
You came to me unexpectedly
during the balmy and calm night,
and what happened in my bed
still leaves a tingling sensation in me.
You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly,
without any reservations,
you lay on my naked body…
You sensed my indifference,
so you applied your hungry mouth to me
without any guilt or humiliation,
and you nearly drove me crazy
while you drained me.
Finally I went to sleep.
Today when I woke up, you were gone.
I searched for you but to no avail,
only the sheets bore witness
to last night’s events
My body still bears faint marks
of your enthusiastic ravishing,
making it harder to forget you.
Tonight I will remain awake
waiting for you…
You f**king mosquitoes!!
HUMOR QUOTES FROM MAXINE
Marriage can be fun some of the time but the trouble is you’re married all the time.
Why adopt a highway when I already drive like I own the road.
Most stress is caused by money, family and family with no money.
Age doesn’t cause forgetfulness; it’s having too many stupid things to remember that causes it.
Some people can have all the lights on and still be in the dark.
I keep hitting the “Escape” key but I’m still here.
HOW TO GIVE A CAT A PILL
1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.
Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.
Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.
Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.
4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.
Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.
5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.
Call spouse in from the garden.
6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.
Get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.
Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw
9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed.
Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of scotch. Pour shot, drink.
Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
12. Call fire department to retrieve the damn cat from the top of the tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.
Take last pill from foil wrap.
13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little *&#%^’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of filet steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.
14. Consume remainder of scotch. Get spouse to drive you to the emergency room. Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.
15. Arrange for RSPCA to collect mutant cat from hell and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.
HOW TO GIVE A DOG A PILL
1. Wrap it in bacon.
2. Toss it in the air.
HOW TO FIND INNER PEACE…………………
I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we
all could use more calm in our lives.
By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace was to finish all the things you have started.
So I looked around my house to see things I started and hadn’t finished; and before leaving the house this morning I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of White Zinfandel, a bottle of Baileys, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of Valium
prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some Saltines and a box of chocolates.
HAVE YOU EVER DANCED?
An old prospector shuffled into town leading an old tired mule.
The old man headed straight for the only saloon to clear his parched throat.
He walked up and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, “Hey old man, have you ever danced?”
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, “No, I never did dance.. never really wanted to.”
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, “Well, you old fool, you’re gonna dance now,” and started shooting at the old man’s feet.
The old prospector –not wanting to get a toe blown off– started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air.
The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening.
The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man’s hands, as he quietly said, “Son, have you ever licked a mule’s ass?”
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, “No sir….. but… I’ve always wanted to.”
There are a few lessons for us all here:
Never be arrogant.
Don’t waste ammunition.
Alcohol makes you think you’re smarter than you are.
Always, always make sure you know who has the power.
Don’t mess with old men; they didn’t get old by being stupid.
GUIDE TO WINNIPEG
First you must learn to pronounce the city name. It is WIN-A-PEG, not VIN-A-PEG and it does not matter how people pronounce it in other places.
Winnipeg has its own version of traffic rules. Never forget that downtown Winnipeg is composed in large part of one-way streets. The only way to get out of the center of town is to turn around and start over when you reach the river.
All directions start with, ‘Go down Portage.’
Portage Avenue has no beginning and no end.
The 8:00 a.m. Rush hour is from 6:30 to 9:30a.m.
The 5:00 PM rush hour is from 3:30 to 6:30 p.m.
Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
If you actually stop at a yellow light, there’s no chance you’re from Winnipeg. Yellow lights are for sissys.
Lagimodiere Blvd. Can only be pronounced by a native Winnipegger, so do not attempt the phonetic pronunciation. People will simply tilt their heads to the right and stare at you. (And let’s not forget Noter Dayme! And of course, Portidge.)
Bingo, Bugs and Perogies are a way of life. Deal with it.
Construction on the Winnipeg streets in summer is a way of life and a permanent form of entertainment. (Especially those dopey-looking city workers holdingup signs in traffic that say in big orange letters ‘SLOW’. ( I always want to yell, ‘You don’t really need to advertise, buddy!)
Many bizarre sights can be explained simply by realizing, ‘Oh, we’re in Transcona!’
Construction crews aren’t doing their job properly unless they close down all lanes except one during rush hour.
If someone actually has his turn signal on, it was probably left on at the factory where the car was made.
Buying a Winnipeg street map is a waste of money since the termination or continuation of any street is entirely at the discretion of the Works Department of the City: e.g.: Salter, Isabel, Balmoral, Colony, Memorial, Osborne, Dunkirk and Dakota. You’ve gone two miles down the same road and the name changes eight times.
Asking directions will help you get acquainted with numerous happy-to-help residents. It may not be any help at all for finding the address you seek.
Never honk your horn at another car in traffic. The bumper sticker that reads, ‘Keep honking, I’m reloading.’ is considered a fair warning.
Exit and entry ramps on the Perimeter Hwy. are just the recommended way of entering and exiting, feel free to exit at any grassy point you wish.
All drivers frightened of heights, stay clear of Charleswood and its ten-foot ditches. Believe me when I say you won’t get out without a hundred-dollar towing bill.
Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your bluespruce.
Down South to you means Grand Forks, ND.
Your 1 July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You find 0 degrees ‘a little chilly.’ But it is still t-shirt weather.
GRADE 6 HISTORY TEST
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.
5. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.
7. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: “Tee hee, Brutus.”
8. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw.
9. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen.” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted “hurrah.”
10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking.
11. Sir Francis Drake circumsized the world with a 100-foot clipper.
12. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
13. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
14. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin covered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.” Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
15. Abraham Lincoln became America’s greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor. This ruined Booth’s career.
16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.
18. The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie discovered the radio. Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
Postscript – It might interest you to know that the students who took this test all moved on to grade 7!
Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science.
The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.
These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A tiny amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second, to take from 4 days to 4 years to complete.
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2- 6 years. It does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.
In fact, Governmentium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes.
This characteristic of morons promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.
When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.
A middle aged man bought a brand new Porsche convertible.
He took off down the road, pushed it up to 160 and was enjoying the wind blowing through his (thinning) hair.
“This is great,” he thought and accelerated to an even higher speed. But when he eventually looked in his rear-view mirror there was a police car behind him, blue lights flashing.
“I can get away from him, no problem”, thought the man, he floored it some more and flew down the road at over 210 km/h to escape.
Then he thought, “What the hell am I doing? I’m too old for this kind of thing”, and pulled over to the side of the road, waiting for the police car to catch up with him.
The officer pulled in behind the Porsche and walked up on the driver’s side.
“Sir, my shift ends in five minutes, and today is Friday the 13th. If you can give me a good reason that I’ve never heard before as to why you were speeding, I’ll let you go.”
The man looked up and said, “Last week my wife ran off with a policeman and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The policeman said, “Have a nice day.”
A nun walks into Mother Superior’s office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
‘What troubles you, Sister?’ asks the Mother Superior. ‘I thought this was the day you spent with your family.’
‘It was,’ sighed the Sister. ‘And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.’
‘I seem to recall that,’ the Mother Superior agreed. ‘So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?’
‘Far from it,’ snorted the Sister. ‘In fact, I even took the Lord’s name in vain today!’
‘Goodness, Sister!’ gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. ‘You must tell me all about it!’
‘Well, we were on the fifth tee…and this hole is a monster,Mother – 540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green…and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made. And it’s flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted…and it hits a bird in mid-flight not 100 yards off the tee!’
‘Oh my!’ commiserated the Mother. ‘How unfortunate! But surely that didn’t make you blaspheme, Sister!’
‘No, that wasn’t it,’ admitted Sister. ‘While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!’
‘Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!’ sympathized Mother.
‘But I didn’t, Mother Superior!’ sobbed the Sister. ‘And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!’
‘So that’s when you cursed,’ said the Mother with a knowing smile.
‘Nope, that wasn’t it either,’ cried the Sister, anguished, ‘because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!’
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said…’You missed the
f**king putt, didn’t you?
What is the definition of Globalization?
Princess Diana’s death.
An English princess
with an Egyptian boyfriend
crashes in a French tunnel,
driving a German car
with a Dutch engine,
driven by a Belgian who was drunk
on Scottish whiskey,
followed closely by Italian Paparazzi,
on Japanese motorcycles,
treated by an American doctor,
using Brazilian medicines
and this is sent to you by an Armenian,
using Bill Gates’ technology,
and you?re probably reading this on one of the IBM clones,
that use Taiwanese-made chips,
and a Korean-made monitor,
assembled by Bangladeshi workers
in a Singapore plant,
transported by lorries driven by Indians,
hijacked by Indonesians,
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,
trucked by Mexican illegals, and finally sold to you.
That is Globalization!